To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)

To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.

To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.

Abortion impacts future parenting

The Elliot Institute News (vol 8, no 8) ran an article titled "Abortion has greater impact on parenting than other forms of pregnancy loss, new review finds." This article summarizes the findings of a study (performed by Priscilla Coleman of Bowling Green University) published in "Current Women's Health Reviews". This research study "focused on psychological reactions to these various types of loss and discussed how they might affect a mother's relationship with children born after the pregnancy loss."

"It is now known that women usually begin feeling maternal attachment in the early stages of pregnancy." Ask your pregnant daughter if she has begun feeling attachment to her child in her womb.

The paper notes that despite the increased responsibilities and stress involved in raising children, "numerous studies have documented positive psychological characteristics associated with motherhood including increases in life satisfaction, self-esteem, empathy, restraint, flexibility and resourcefulness in coping, and assertiveness." Losing a child before or at birth, for any reason, however, "can be a profound source of suffering."

Examining your own motherhood, have you found that being a mother has increased your life satisfaction? Your self-esteem? Your empathy? Your restraint? Your flexibility and resourcefulness in coping? Your assertiveness? Have you lost a child before or at birth for any reason, including abortion? Did you find this loss to be a source of suffering? If you did suffer the loss of a child, would you prefer that your pregnant daughter receive the possible positive psychological benefits of motherhood or the possible suffering of child loss?

"While all forms of pregnancy loss can cause emotional distress that can impact future parenting, the available research indicates that emotional responses after induced abortion are more likely to go unresolved and to persist for a longer time period."

Why would that be true?

While "society understands that women who miscarry or relinquish a child through adoption may experience sadness and grief; however, grief after socially sanctioned because abortion is not acknowledged by our culture as a human death experience," and help to deal with the experience is usually not offered. ... Finding help and support after abortion is further hampered by the belief that, unlike other forms of pregnancy loss, abortion is optional and therefore women experience less distress afterwards.

Having an abortion is "sometimes quite inconsistent with the woman's true desires" (one survey found that 64 percent of American women who had abortions reported feeling pressured to abort), and many women, especially those who feel conflicted or didn't want the abortion, do feel emotional distress afterwards.

Ask your daughter to be honest with you... does she really want to abort her child? Is she feeling conflicted? Is she feeling pressured to abort?

"The best evidence regarding negative effects of abortion indicates that 20-30 percent will experience serious psychological problems," Coleman wrote. "With 1.3 million U.S. abortions performed annually, a minimum of 130,000 new cases of abortion-related mental health problems appear each year."

And while abortion advocates frequently argue that abortion is better than carrying
an unplanned pregnancy to term, the evidence suggests otherwise.

Studies of women with unplanned pregnancies found that women who aborted had higher risks of depression, substance abuse and anxiety, and teens who aborted an unintended pregnancy were more likely to experience negative mental health outcomes than their peers who carried to term. Further, a recent New Zealand study led by a pro-choice researcher found no evidence that abortion provided any mental health benefits to women even in cases of unplanned pregnancy.

Many times, a pregnant woman will say that she is choosing abortion because she wants to be a parent later in life instead of now. The research study describes "a number of ways that a previous abortion can effect a woman's relationship" with the children she gives birth to later at some point after the abortion.

1) Increased depression and anxiety. Abortion has been linked to higher rates of maternal depression and anxiety before and after birth, which may effect the woman's relationship with her children. In addition, depression is a common predictor for child abuse.

2) Sleep disorders and disturbances. Women who have had an abortion are more likely to experience sleep disorders compared to women who carry to term, and one survey found that many women attributed the sleep disorders to a past abortion. These sleep disturbances "could render the high energy demands of parenting more complicated."

3) Substance abuse. Studies have found that women who had an abortion were more likely to engage in substance abuse, and also more likely to smoke or use drugs or alcohol while pregnant. Mothers who abuse drugs or alcohol are more likely to "engage in authoritarian and punitive parenting practices," and parental substance abuse increases the risk that the children will suffer abuse or neglect.

4) Child abuse. Abortion has been associated with lower emotional support for one's children and with a higher risk of child abuse and neglect.

Abortion has also been linked to higher rates of suicide and to a wide range of mental health disorders. Coleman was also the lead author of a study published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, which found that the children of women who had abortions have less supportive home environments and more
behavioral problems than children of women without a history of abortion. [2]

While the review noted that not every woman may experience psychological problems after abortion that will carry over into their personal relationships, "some women will have carryover effects into the parenting realm." The paper pointed to a need for better screening and awareness of possible psychological problems after miscarriage, adoption and abortion, and for more research to examine the effects of abortion.

Citations

1. PK Coleman, "The Psychological Pain of Perinatal Loss and Subsequent Parenting Risks: Could Induced Abortion Be More Problematic Than Other Forms of Loss," Current Women's Health Issues 5: 88-99, 2009.
2. PK Coleman, DC Reardon, JR Cougle, “Substance use among pregnant women in the context of previous reproductive loss and desire for current pregnancy,” British Journal of Health Psychology 10: 255-268, 2005.

If you or your pregnant daughter are considering aborting her child, take the time to research the possible physical, emotional and spiritual risks that are associated with this action... not only risks to her own well-being but risks to her future children as well.

Real Story: Stephanie

ABC News recently ran an article and video featuring Stephanie, a teen mom. Stephanie was a 15-year old cheerleading sophomore in high school when she got pregnant. When she was able to tell her mother that she was pregnant, her mother was angry and told her to leave the house. So Stephanie stayed with her sister for a few days. Her mother "eventually calmed down and allowed Stephanie to return home, under one condition: she had to do her own chores. The tasks would be a homework assignment in preparation for her new life as a mother." Her mother's "anger quickly giving way to grandmotherly adoration." With support from her family and from a school program for teen mothers, Stephanie graduated from high school.

Watch this video segment where Stephanie tells about her day as a teen mom.

What chores can your pregnant daughter who lives with you do around the house to prepare her for independent living as a parent? Does her school have any programs that can help her finish her education? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

"Let Go" by Sheila Walsh

The focus of "Let Go" is on the various things that we need deliverance from.

Each chapter starts with Scripture and also relevant quotes, followed by a (often corny) story that is supposed to illustrate the point. Then the meat of the chapter begins. The chapters end with a summary, some discussion questions, and a prayer.

Chapters and topics include: "Fresh-baked grace for the spiritually hungry" (on legalism), "This dead religion is past its sell-by date" (on judging), "Living in the past", "Look at the view ahead!", "The trap of unforgiveness", "Don't play fair - it will set you free" (about how life isn't fair), "The trouble with temptation is that it's just so tempting", "Let go and live in Christ's victory", "Shame on you!", "Shame on Him", "You are you for a reason", "I was made for this" (about purpose), "Sometimes my life feels like a cliffhanger" (about fear and trust), "God will prove it's a love story" (you are loved and you are never alone), "We are what we believe we are?" (about self-hatred), "Table for two, please", "No light at the end of my tunnel" (about depression), "The million-watt megabulb of God's hope", and "A long-awaited deliverance."

Some quotes that were meaningful to me, with a comment or two on how they might relate to you today as you deal with your single daughter's pregnancy:

Why is forgiveness hard?
"Fear: 'What if I forgive and they do it again?'
Mistrust: 'I've heard it all before, and I don't believe they're really sorry.'
Pain: 'How can saying 'I forgive you' take away the deep wound inside?'
Bitterness: 'Nothing can change what happened to me.'"

Do you relate to these thoughts in regards to forgiving your single-and-pregnant daughter? Or the baby's father?

"Forgiveness means we surrender our right to know the outcome. That is hard. We want to know that if we forgive, then the person will be sorry and never hurt us again. When we forgive someone and he turns right around and does the same thing again, not only are we wounded afresh, but we feel so foolish."

"Another reason we struggle with forgiveness is because we have cheapened what forgiveness really is. There is an element of sentimentality among many in the evangelical church who would suggest forgiveness is easy and quick. People apply forgiveness like a Band-Aid over a wound, without recognizing the wound has to be addressed, acknowledged, grieved over, and owned before forgiveness can ever be real and lasting."

"We can only really forgive when we acknowledge the depth to which we have been wounded and allow ourselves to 'own' the pain. By 'own' the pain, I mean face the truth that we are wounded. It is tempting to slough pain away, denying we are hurt. It can be embarrassing to be wounded. We feel weak or out of control. So we ignore it."

What wounds are you feeling right now in relation to your single-and-pregnant daughter? Write them down, and try to be as specific as possible, expressing the depth to which you have been wounded. Read your list to God in prayer, ask Him to help you grieve over them. Part of the grieving process is acceptance and resolution... ask God to lead you toward those parts of the grief cycle.

"One of the greatest issues I see is self-hatred ... Many prefer to call it low self-esteem. But, really, what those feelings are is a rejection of who we are; we believe that at least part of us is unacceptable. What else can it be called but self-hatred? The fallout of self-hatred is isolation."

Do you feel self-hatred because you are feeling that you've failed as a parent?

"When we allow our brokenness to make our choices, we withhold who we are and what we have to give to one another. One of Satan's tricks is to keep us so obsessed with what we USED to believe or what USED to be true that we don't live in God's grace RIGHT NOW. ... It keeps us wallowing in the past, alone and defeated."

Are you allowing your brokenness to make choices in your daughter's pregnancy?

Sheila talks about Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost" and how 'lost' means 'broken beyond repair'. She says, "There have been moments in my life when I've thought, 'I'm not going to make it, Lord; I'm too broken, too despairing, too far gone.' I love this verse because it says to you and to me that if we feel that way we can take heart, because that's why Jesus came!"

Are you feeling broken? Despair? Take heart! Jesus came to find YOU and restore YOU.

"I was not put onto this earth to make myself happy. I was put here to learn to love and trust God and to let his love flow through me until we make it safely home."

As you and your pregnant daughter examine her options, make an effort to love your daughter, to love her child, and to trust God with this child she is carrying.

The outcome

Today, make an effort to not focus so much on how out of control you feel about your daughter's pregnancy outside of marriage. Just for today.

Instead, today focus on the things you do have control over: namely, how you will face Today. Your own attitude. Your own choices for the day.

What can you do today to help make today okay?
Don't beat yourself up ... treat yourself well.
Eat right.
Get some exercise.
Connect with supportive friends.
Connect with God.

Supporting your spouse

When a daughter announces her pregnancy outside of marriage, you can bet that a lot of the time her mother and father will react differently from each other.

In "A Conversation with a Counselor" (March/April 2009 issue of Stepping Stones newsletter by Bethany Christian Services), author John Van Regenmorter encourages husbands and wives to consider the following:

• Be patient with each other. Men and women are going to handle this differently. It doesn't mean that one spouse is handling it right and the other is handling it wrong; it just means that each spouse is handling it differently.
• Do not rely only on your spouse for support - that puts a lot of pressure on your marriage. You cannot expect your spouse to be everything for you throughout this entire process. Find a friend or support group to help you, or look for support online.
• Communicate with your spouse. Most men truly want to make their wives feel better. They would love to fix the situation, but they can't. Women need to tell their husbands what they can do. Men are not mind readers. Wives my need to say, "You can't fix this, but I really appreciate it when you bring me flowers, or I really appreciate it when you just give me some time by myself."

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Talking with my husband" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Would counseling help?

You and your family are in a stressful situation when your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage! You might want to seek counsel if you are feeling anxious, or if you need help making the multitude of decisions you face, or if you are working through the grief cycle, or if your relationships are being strained by the stress of your daughter's pregnancy. You could seek counsel from a religious leader, a peer counselor, a professional counselor, or trained mentors at a pregnancy resource center.

Would counseling benefit your daughter, your family, and you? You don't need to wait until you've hit bottom before you seek counseling, and you don't need to delve into the past if you don't want to... just have a conversation about what you're experiencing right now during your daughter's pregnancy.

The above tips were adapted from "A Conversation with a Counselor" by John Van Regenmorter, in the March/April 2009 "Stepping Stones" newsletter by Bethany Christian Services.

Uprooting Bitterness

An article in the September/October 1996 issue of Virtue Magazine was titled "Uprooting Bitterness". The article is by Nancy Carmichael, and it has some wonderful tidbits that are relevant to the Christian parents of a pregnant single.

"[Bitterness] comes from justice denied, a hope dashed, an expectation unmet, a belief that I deserved better than what I received, anger grown cold and unresolved - maybe from an offense at the hands of someone I love."

Do you feel this way regarding your daughter's pregnancy outside of marriage?
What hopes of yours were dashed when you discovered her pregnancy?
What expectations of your daughter were not met by this change in her life?
How about your spouse...what hopes and expectations were changed?
How about your pregnant daughter...what hopes of hers were dashed by this child's creation? What expectations of her own were changed?

"It's nasty stuff that easily takes root. It prods me to stew: 'He should have known better.' 'She needs to make restitution for this.' Or 'God could have prevented this from happening. And He didn't.' "

What thoughts have been stewing in your mind and heart regarding your daughter? Or the baby's father? Or God?

"It lures me to flog myself mentally for past mistakes, or the unrighteous people in our nation, thinking in some twisted way I'm doing God a favor by being mad at sinners."

Do you identify with this?

"How do I let go of offenses, the deeply rooted things that slowly but surely sap life from me?"

Ms Carmichael quotes Walter Brueggemann from "Finally Comes The Poet" when he says, "Keeping kills. Relinquishing heals... Return to the command, to the God who rests and gives rest, who sets free and satisfies. We do not yield easily. But if we do not yield, we shall die." The article also quotes an anonymous source that says, "Forgiveness is celestial amnesia; that is, letting go of all the memories of the past except the love we have given and received."

Will you take the effort to yield to the God who gives rest? Will you let Him set you free and satisfy you? Will you let Him help you focus on the love for your daughter and her child?

Proudnana's story

"Proudnana" on Bukisa.com wrote her beautiful story "How to survive a teen parent" about her pregnant teen. Under the Creative Commons copyright, her story is copied here (edited for punctuation, grammar and capitalization).

----Begin Article----

When the Doctor came into the room, I was not expecting those four words to come out of his mouth. "Your Daughter is Pregnant." I was dumb founded. I just sat there. All of a sudden tears just started flowing down my face and I could not stop it. I started down memory lane. I remembered the day she was born.

I was devastated. I had all these emotions: devastation, anger, bitterness. I must of cried everyday for a long time. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Then all of a sudden I thought, "Okay she is pregnant. Its not the end of the world. She is not dying she is having a baby."

I needed support through this but no one would listen. My daughter did not want me to talk to anyone about it. But I had to. You're going to have to do the same thing. If you are going through this just tell your daughter, "Look, I have to talk to someone about this and you are gonna have to trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt you."

I finally realized that it was not my fault. My daughter did not set out to get pregnant to hurt me. I was not there when they had sex. I could not be with her 24 hours a day or 7 days a week. It was not my fault. If I knew about [it] I would have stopped it. Everyone thought it was my fault. I lost a lot of friends over this and so did my daughter. Those friends were not really our friends.

I was devstated. I thought my daughter's life was over. My husband and I really thought that our daughter was not mature enough to handle this. To us she was still a baby. She wanted to keep her baby so we talked about it and decided to let her keep him. He was hers. No matter what she would always be his Mom. I knew the change in her eyes to look for. If you are a Mom you know the look I am talking about it. I knew what to look for. So when my grandson was born, I handed him to my daughter and immediatly she had that look of a Mother. She started to count his fingers and his toes. She kissed him and just held him in her arms. At that moment I knew she was going to be fine.

I felt like sometimes I was on a roller coaster and I wanted to stop to get off but it would not stop. Everytime I thought it was going to stop it just got faster and faster. Then other days I felt as though I was on a row boat without the paddles in the middle of a sea storm with the waves crashing down on the boat. I felt all alone. Like I was the only one going through this. No one would listen to me. No matter what I said to my daughter she did not want me to talk to anyone about it.

My husband -- well he is another story. He just acted like nothing was wrong. I thought at one time I was going to have slap him to see if he was still here with me. But when our grandson was born something changed within him... it was amazing. Something wonderful was finally coming from this world of darkness. I could finally see the light. It just dawned me one day to support my daughter.

To us we had no choice but to support our daughter. We took on that responsibility the day she was born. We were parents through bad times as well as good times. Every parent is there for their kids when they get good grades or bad grades, when they scrape their knees, when they get their heart broken. Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. Yes, it's a thankless job at times. But sometimes it's a rewarding job.

Every child is a gift from God. You don't choose your parents or your children -- God does. You don't choose when your children are born, God does. I know we do stuff all the time that God does not like. But does he turn us away when we do those things. No! He loves us regardless of what we do! I have been judged for supporting my daughter. I guess everyone thought I should have sent her away to give up her child or make her get an abortion. But it was not my choice to make. I was not the one who was pregnant, she was.

You as a parent to your teen parent have to realize that your teen is scared too. She feels like she is all alone during this. She is worried that no one will accept her or appreciate the decision she has made. It takes a strong person to go through something like this. Your daughter's or my daughter's life has not ended, it is just beginning a new chapter. Her dreams or your dreams for her has not died -- she will just to have to work harder for them and she will have to take her baby along with her. It will take her longer but she will get there. Telling her that she has just ruined her life or that her life is going to change now -- that is just ruining her self esteem. She will never do anything if you keep doing that. She knows her life is going to change. She is not stupid. You raised her to be a loving, generous person so show that to her. Practice what you preach. Take it slow, one day at a time. It will get better with time.

I read a book one time called "Daughters Gone Wild Dads Gone Crazy". Get it and read it and see if your daughter will read it too. You read the part for the dad and let her read the part for the daughter. It is amazing. It taught me a lot. Rev. Charles Stone and his daughter Heather Stone wrote the book together. In that book Charles Stone says to Remain Calm. Talk to your daughter and realize that the first thing you say to your daughter during a Major problem is what she is going to remember. Act like she is not your daughter but one of her friends that has just come to you with a problem. What would say to her. It takes one day at a time to handle this situation.

---- Article finished ----
All of the emotions Proudnana describes as she discovers her daughter's pregnancy are part of the grief cycle, which we discuss in the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News". Proudnana learned who were true friends, and we discuss "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances". Proudnana's husband reacted quite differently from her, and we discuss this in "Talking with My Husband". Proudnana talks about her daughter's feelings, which relates to the chapter "What Is My Daughter Feeling?" The advice to remain calm and pay attention to the first words out of your mouth is exactly what we recommend in the chapter "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Thankfulness

As the parent of a pregnant teen or college student, you might have asked yourself "What on earth is there to be thankful for this year?" When you are in pain or in grief, positive thoughts are less likely to leap into your head. But put your brain power into this for a few minutes...brainstorm aspects of your daughter's pregnancy you CAN be thankful for. Use this list as a jumping off point:

1. Your daughter is still living, she has not died. You are not mourning her physical death. That is something to be thankful for!
   
2. If your daughter is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
3. If your grandchild, the baby your daughter is carrying, is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
4. If your daughter is not currently be threatened or abused by the father of the baby, that is something to be thankful for!
5. If your daughter is researching her choices for this baby's life, that is something to be thankful for!
6. If your daughter has not been physically or emotionally damaged by a secret abortion, that is something to be thankful for!
   
7. What can you add to this list, if you brainstorm?
   

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where Will We Be in a Year?", "Where is God in All of This?", "Beauty from Ashes", and "Our Hope for the Next Five Years" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"

Mom is Hurt and Angry

A recent advice column titled "Help! My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant" by By Dr. Gail Saltz, TODAYShow.com contributor, gave a good overall response to the upset parent. The mother of the teen who has fathered a child with his girlfriend is hurt, crying, and angry. She appears to feel that his girlfriend got pregnant intentionally in order to get married. This hurting mother is very clearly in a grief cycle. Dr. Saltz says, "Your feelings are partly a manifestation of dashed hopes and dreams for your [child's] future." This is how parents on both sides of the situation may feel. You are in a grief cycle, but don't allow yourself to get stuck there!

Dr. Saltz continues, "But what’s done is done. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to berate your son or being cool toward his girlfriend. All you will do is drive him further away. ... Expressing your concern about the future is fine, but expressing hurt, anger and disapproval toward your son and his girlfriend will not get you anywhere. If you continue with such an adversarial position, you might end up with a son who hates you and a grandchild you never see." Find a safe friend, a pastor, or a counselor to whom you can vent your hurt, anger, and disapproval. When talking with your pregnant daughter or the baby's father, focus on problem solving and skills training, not on blaming and berating. Dr. Saltz recommends, "You can be kind, supportive and forgiving to your son [or daughter] at the same time you make it clear that he made a bad decision and must now deal with the consequences."

The mother in the advice column has a younger daughter, and she wants to give this younger daughter a very strong message. You may have children that are younger siblings to your pregnant daughter too. Dr. Saltz says, "I do agree with you that it will be important to make it clear to your young daughter why this was a poor choice on her brother's part and the ways this will make life difficult. .... You do not need to ostracize her brother and girlfriend to make this message clear."

"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can do your best in teaching your kids to make better choices, but you can’t control every choice they make. When they make a bad one, it's best to make your disagreement clear, but also to maintain an open door rather than cutting them off." You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" which has lots of tips on how to cope with this crisis.

Reducing Conflict and Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Resolving Conflicts and Anger- Improving Situations Through Communication ". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

You know that your daughter's pregnancy can stir up a lot of emotion in your family. We've discussed several times how each person in the family may be processing their own grief cycle of shock, anger, depression, and bargaining. This lesson teaches a method of communicating that may help your family reduce the conflict and anger.

First, let's look at the lesson's questionnaire. Have each person fill out the questions, then compare answers.

When I am having a problem, disagreement or am in conflict with someone, I usually… (Check all that apply.)

• Put off dealing with the situation
• Get mad, get loud so I get my way
• Try to meet the other person half way
• Criticize or attack the other person
• Give a lot of reasons to show I’m right
• Just give in but find another way to punish the person
• Treat the other person as if s/he is a child who needs a parent to explain how the conflict will be resolved
• Try to help the other person get what s/he wants
• Complain or sulk until I get my way
• Explain my point of view, ask the other person to do the same, and listen to his/her response
• Keep my ideas to myself
• Change the subject
• Find humor in the situation and try not to take yourself too seriously
• Try to understand the other person’s point of view
• Get another person to decide who’s right
• Try to work out a compromise that we both can agree to
  

The type of person I find it easiest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

The type of person I find it hardest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

Ideally, I would like to communicate my needs during a conflict in the following way(s)...

Often times when people are angry, they don't communicate as carefully as when they are calm. Discuss the worksheets in the lesson, and see if your entire family can start practicing this way of communicating.

"Sometimes people in anger, begin a conversation or an argument with phrases like, “You always,” or “You never,” that make the receiver of the message very defensive."

"One communication strategy to help reduce conflict is to use the “W.I.N. Strategy.” WIN stands for: “When you..., I feel..., I need...”

"The WIN strategy changes the emphasis from an attack on the other person, to how the other person’s actions make the speaker feel."

The WIN strategy:

W = When you (state the specific behavior that bothers you)
I = I feel (express your feeling or thought)
N = I need/want (state the specific behavior you would like instead)

Infant abandonment

The Buffalo News recently ran an article titled "Mother charged with killing infant daughter kept pregnancy a secret, police say". This article tells a small piece of the story of 19-year-old college student Alicia Zebrun who apparently hid her pregnancy from her family, gave birth alone at home, then put her newborn daughter into a shoe box where she died. According to a quote in the article, this type of incident happens about once per day in the U.S. This sort of situation is also the basis for the "Safe-Haven Laws" that all 50 states have where a newborn can be left at a specific location. See the National Safe Haven Alliance for more information about these laws and the details for your state. There has also been a recent set of articles about parents abandoning their older kids at Safe Haven locations.

Like pregnancy in teens and college students, there is no perfect stereotype for women who hide their pregnancy and then leave their child to die: any socio-economic group can be represented. In this article, neighbors said Alicia was a good kid and the children in the Zebrun family had a strong upbringing by "excellent parents" who were strict. Neighbors believe Alicia's mother and step-father would have helped her with the pregnancy and baby becuase they were "all about kids."

So why do some women do this?
One commentator in the article guesses that "For whatever reason, they were extremely frightened. They may have felt fearful about disclosing the pregnancy for whatever reason. We don’t know."

Another commentator in the article says "The girls and young women who kill or abandon their newborns generally are deeply ashamed and often refuse to acknowledge their pregnancies 'until the very end when it’s undeniable,' he said. Faced with a baby they don’t want, they do the unthinkable. 'They’re not thinking,' Kaye said. 'They’re acting.' "

So what can we do?
Kaye believes the only way to stop it is for parents and communities to be more involved with their daughters. He pointed out one case in which a girl said she hid her pregnancy from her family and ended up killing her baby because her father had told her he’d kill her if she ever came home pregnant. “The father broke down in tears,” Kaye said. “ ‘This is my fault . . . I didn’t mean it. But I actually said it,’ ” he recounted. “The community needs to say this is an example of us failing our kids,” Kaye said. “We need to do a better as a community rather than skapegoating this girl.”

Talk to all your children about this story. Tell them that while you will probably be angry or upset to learn they were pregnant (or were drinking or using drugs), that you would prefer that your kids talked to you instead of keeping a secret. You may have said something in the past such as "If you ever come home pregnant, I'll (kill you, kick you out of the house, etc.)." Do you really mean this? Would you really murder your own child? Or are you simply trying to express that you would be hurt, disappointed, and angry for a while? If you've ever said an extreme statement like this, tell your kids that you don't mean it and then tell them what you really mean instead. Tell your kids that you love them even when they make mistakes with serious consequences. Tell your kids that you want to help them when they have a problem, even if the news of the problem may be hard to hear. Be involved in your kids' lives so much that you would NOTICE if your daughter was pregnant. Brainstorm ways you can be involved in their lives without going to extremes. There is a balance in there somewhere so that you are neither a clueless parent nor an invasive parent.

In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", the chapter titled "First Steps" list three things you need to do as soon as you discover your teen or college student daughter is pregnant. First, get her the medical attention she needs, and then find her the emotional support she needs. For example, help your pregnant daughter get parenting classes and help her learn about stress management. Your local pregnancy help center may be able to offer your family these classes, and may also have peer support sessions and group sessions to help your pregnant daughter cope with the changes that are coming into her life.

Waiting for the punch line

An Associated Press news article recently reported Lynne Spears (mother of Britney Spears and Jamie Lynn Spears) told the "Today" show how she discovered that Jamie Lynn was pregnant. Apparently, Jamie Lynn wrote her mother a note and asked her to read it alone in her bedroom.

Lynne Spears says her first reaction was shock, that she was "waiting for the punch line." This is a very common response, and is the normal start of a grief cycle. Lynne Spears that once she processed the shock for a minute, she started to cry.

"Lynne Spears said she blames herself for what happened. 'As a mother, don't we always blame ourselves? I mean, we're the first one that's gonna take the blame,' she said. 'We never get the credit, but we always question ourselves and say, `What did I do? We had this talk just a month ago.' I mean, I had no idea. I took a lot of the blame. I took all the blame.'"

How did your daughter tell you she was pregnant? If she didn't tell you, how did you discover the pregnancy? Was your first reaction also shock? Do you have the common thoughts that you are to blame, that you are a failure as a parent? When you hear news like this, take time to think before you react or take action. You are not alone in this situation. Get help and resources, take time to research all the options. Talk and pray a lot before you take any action.

Managing Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Managing Anger". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

Anger is a very common emotional reaction in a family that learns that their single daughter (sister) is pregnant. As we've discussed on many occassions, anger is a normal part of the grief cycle. Your family is grieving many things related to a unmarried daughter's pregnancy. Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger. But DO learn how to express is appropriately, and how to manage anger so that it is not overwhelming. Anger should not control your actions or your decisions.

The lesson has a great worksheet to help people learn about their anger style. Print out a copy for each person, and have them score each of the questions. This is a copy of the questions on the anger survey:

1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way.
2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry with them.
3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to their face.
4. I disagree with others without attacking them on a personal level or becoming defensive.
5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems cannot be resolved.
6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry.
7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing my anger.
9. I have a tendency to be depressed or moody.
10. I look for mutually agreeable solutions when people disagree with me.
11. I politely, but firmly tell others when I am angry.
12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry.
13. I suppress my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or overeating.
14. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
15. I take some time to calm down before talking with others about disagreements.
16. I try not to let my anger show.
17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make people look bad or feel bad.
18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something.
19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something.
20. When I am angry I become silent, to make it obvious that I am unhappy.

Before you discuss your scores, talk about the main points of the lesson:

• Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.
• It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger.
• Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people experience it more intensely and more often than other people.
• Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.
• Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.
• Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.
• When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.
• Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.

Talk with your family about anger: Can anger result in something good happening? If so, give an example. Give an example of something bad that can happen when someone expresses anger.

Tally up each person's response to the anger survey, using the Key in the lesson. What is each person's current method of handling anger? Read the descriptions of each anger management style from the lesson. How has each person demonstrated their anger style during the stress of your daughter's pregnancy so far?

Anger management Style A - Open Agression: Using physical or verbal force to respond to a situation that makes you angry. Open aggression often leads to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving.

Style B - Suppressed Anger: Pretending that you are not angry, stuffing your anger and hoping it will go away. People who have this style of anger management may develop headaches,
ulcers, stomachaches, or other physical illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving.

Style C - Passive Aggressive: Showing anger in indirect ways, such as pouting, refusing to talk, slamming doors, stomping feet, sarcasm, and gossiping. These responses often lead to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving instead.

Style D - Assertive Problem Solving: First, be aware that you are angry. Express your anger in an honest and polite way. Confront people without making personal attacks. Don't become defensive. Brainstorm solutions to the problem that would be mutually acceptable. Release your angry feelings and forgive, let go of grudges and bitterness.

Assertive Problem Solving can be remembered by the acrostic ACTS:

A - Be AWARE of your anger. How does your body react when you start to get angry? Pay attention to how your body is feeling.

C - CONTROL your response. Think before you act. What reponse choices are available? What are the pros and cons of each? What solutions are available? What are the pros and cons of each solution? Your goal is to meet your needs without hindering the needs of others.

T - TALK about the problem in a calm, polite and assertive way. Talk about differences without using personal attacks and without becoming defensive. Use the "WIN" method of confrontation: "When...(something happens)", "I feel...". "I NEED/want...(particular action to happen)." For example, "When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.”

S - SOLVE the problem in a mutually acceptable way. If the situation is not solvable, then you have three choices:

1) Change your way of thinking about the event. So, in relation to your daughter's pregnancy, you might need to change your way of thinking about her pregnancy. She is carrying your grandchild, not just some blob of tissue. As difficult as life may become going forward, this child, your grandchild, will also be a blessing. Your daughter can't become un-pregnant. Abortion will not change the fact that she was pregnant. It will simply make her the mother of a dead child, and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild. So change your way of thinking about her pregnancy.

2) Get help and counseling. You can find resources and counseling for your pregnant daughter and maybe other family members at your local pregnancy help center, your church, private counselors, social services, charities, and your friends and family. Reach out to your support network and brainstorm positive solutions to the challenges your family faces. Avoid courses of action that will hurt and damage each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a time to pull together, not to tear each other down and destroy the family.

3) Withdraw from the situation. If you or your family member(s) are at risk of being physically abused by someone's anger, get help to escape from harm. If you feel angry enough to hurt someone, leave until you have calmed down. Avoid alcohol and drugs when you are angry - they can help you to act violently or in aggressive ways that are harmful to yourself and others.

How does teen pregnancy impact the family?

In the swirl of commentary on Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's announcement that her 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant, we received a phone call from a reporter at a paper in New York. One main question they asked is, "what is the psychological impact of teen pregnancy on the family?"

The core answer is that a surprise teen pregnancy can cause each member of the family to begin working through their own grief cycle.

When the pregnancy is discovered, there is first shock and denial. Parents of a pregnant teen may feel stunned, especially if they are also learning that their daughter has been sexually active. Siblings of the pregnant teen also may feel shock. Everyone may feel like they don't know this person they thought they knew. It can be hard to accept a mental image of a loved one that is different than the image currently held. They may think to themselves, "Who is this person? Who are you and what have you done with my daughter/sister?" or "Are you sure you're pregnant? This can't be true. This can't be happening."

Once the family members accept the fact that the pregnancy is real, the next step of the grief cycle is anger. Everyone may feel anger at the baby's father, blaming him for the pregnancy. Fathers may feel anger at themselves, feeling that they did not protect their daughter. Parents may feel anger at themselves, saying "What did I do wrong?" Parents may start blaming each other, "If only you had..." Siblings of the pregnant young woman may feel anger that her pregnancy is causing them social embarassment or that the situation is soaking up so much time and attention. Anger can have symptoms in the physical health of the entire family: headaches, abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, irritability, impatience, heart problems, relationship problems, sleep disorders, uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, and compulsive behaviors. Siblings of a pregnant daughter may act out in their anger, creating new a crisis for the family to handle.

The next steps of the grief cycle are bargaining and depression. In bargaining, you may hear family members say "If you help me through this, I'll never let it happen again." In depression, family members may feel that there are no acceptable solutions to even the smallest challenge. You may wonder how you'll live through it all.

Each family member will walk through these steps at their own pace. It is very likely that everyone will revisit previous phases of the grief cycle several times. If a person doesn't get stuck somewhere in the above phases, they eventually move toward acceptance. Acceptance and resolution is measured by acknowledging that past decisions can't be erased, accurately taking responsibility for contributing factors (in other words, neither accepting too much blame nor denying all blame) and finding constructive ways to solve challenges, forgive, heal, learn new coping skills, and grow stronger rather than be destroyed.

If you analyze some of the commentary out there about the Palin family, you may notice that reactions of the people fit in with a grief cycle phase too: some are in shock that the Palins could have a pregnant daughter; others are angry at the Palins; others are depressed that Sarah Palin is the presumptive VP, given her family's situation. It will be interesting to watch as people continue to process their feelings about this one family's situation in the days and months to come.

The family of a pregnant teen or college student likely needs the opportunity to receive individual and family counseling to hash out their anger and depression in order to move to acceptance and resolution. If there is a pregnancy help center near you, see what services they can offer your family. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", particularly the chapter titled "Hearing the Shocking News" which describes the grief cycle.

Finding help and local resources

"Programs help teen mothers" is an article from a recent Ohio town newspaper (you may have to scroll down the page some) that gives an overview of the programs available to help teen mothers in their town.

Their "GRADS" program helps pregnant teens develop a plan of how to finish their education and manage their parenting responsibilities, with the primary goal of helping girls stay in school and graduate. The program counselor "also talks with the teens about parenting skills, money management and career planning."

The article also discusses services offered by their local pregnancy help centers, which teach mothers about what to do if "the baby can’t stop crying, what’s the best way to communicate with the baby, how to play with the baby and first aid for the baby." The pregnancy help centers also have services for the parents of the pregnant teen, and the father of the baby: “The parents of a pregnant teen — they go through every possible emotion,” Dicke said, citing anger and frustration at the top of the list. “They (the teenager) need unconditional love and support. You have to go beyond the anger and the hurt, you still have to love them. That person is still your child.” Dicke said teenage boys involved in an unplanned pregnancy are often frustrated with the situation as well.“They’re upset that they made a mistake and that’s why they don’t want to tell their parents and hear about it again.”

See if your community offers a program like this that would be of help to you and your daughter.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

Rebekah's Story

This is the real story of a young woman named Rebekah who was single and pregnant.

I am a living example of how being a born again Christian does not shield you from Satan’s power, if you do not walk with the Lord. My dad was a missionary pilot in the Philippines. I am a Bible college graduate. I was saved when I was 15 years old.

Yet a few years after graduating from college, I was in a good job, driving a nice sports car and had lost sight of God in the midst of my success. I became a very lonely person, spending my time looking for happiness in other areas of my life … partying, excessive drinking, sexual impurity, and looking for fulfillment with the wrong kind of men. Two years ago, after a long series of selfish choices, I had reached a point in a “roller coaster” of life where everything I had ever believed was challenged, and I made the wrong choice – I was pregnant and I chose to have an abortion rather than ruin my career or let my parents find out about my lifestyle.

For the next several months, I struggled alone with deep depression, suicidal thoughts, anger and the guilt and shame of what I had done. I had shattered my family’s trust in me, emerged from a destructive relationship barely intact and was so absolutely overwhelmed by my sins that I spent nights crying in despair, wondering how I had reached this point in my life and how God could ever love me back to Himself. 1 John 3:9 says that no one born of God can live at peace with sin and God finally had my attention. After a couple of months, I knew I could not do it alone anymore. I finally took the painful steps of telling my family what I had done and asking for their forgiveness. I also began attending a post-abortion Bible study at Assist Pregnancy Center and after many months of prayer and working through my grief, began to understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness. What impacted me through the Bible study at that time was this:

• I was encouraged to talk about my abortion experience and feelings without fear of judgment, was listened to and encouraged by other women in the course, and was reminded of God’s promises in Scripture.
• I was able to identify why I was feeling the emotions I was experiencing and began the slow process of working through them – unprovoked anger, bitterness, moments of denial, and overwhelming grief.
• I learned to identify the emotional triggers that prevented my healing.
• I learned how easily we buy into the world’s lies – how so many are told that abortion is an “easy solution,” “it’s the best decision for this time in your life”, “it’s over and done with” or “what will your parents think”.
• I learned how sexual immorality leads to a bondage of sexual ties in bad relationships, how to break those ties and repair the sexual damage I had done to my heart and soul.

Although the healing process takes a long time, I was emotionally better equipped to face my daily challenges at the end of our eight week course. I knew I could call on anyone at Assist for additional guidance or a hug anytime I needed it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason and God can work everything together for His purpose. I am now back in church, deeply involved with my small groups and growing again in my faith. It’s amazing to see how God brings opportunities for me to share my life experiences with others to be an encouragement. I am joyful, knowing that God will use my past and my story to help others understand His undeserved grace and unconditional love.

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for Parents of A Pregnant Christian Single," we share at least one true story in every chapter. You are not alone, and reading the stories of others who have been where you are is such a comfort!

Call 800-395-HELP to find a pregnancy resource center near you that can come alongside your family to support you all. Talk to your daughter about the pain that secrets can cause. Talk to her about how you may be hurt or angry when a secret such as a pregnancy or an abortion is revealed but that you love her and you don't want any secrets poisoning your relationship.