The growing cultural divide

Charles Murray, whose book Losing Ground redefined the debate about welfare and the underclass thirty years ago, has a new book, Coming Apart. The book is about the increasing cultural divide among white Americans.

Murray shows clearly the growing cultural divide between white middle-to-upper class communities and white working-class communities. In 1960, the two communities, despite differences in income and educational attainment, were statistically-similar when it came to marriage, out-of-wedlock births, and religion. Around 1970, the gap widened, and by 2010 it was better described as a “chasm.”

Whereas 83% of those in upper-class communities are married, only 48% of those in working-class communities are married. 

While 6% of births among upper-class communities are to unmarried mothers, 44% of those in working communities are. 

And most surprisingly of all, middle-to-upper-middle class Americans are more likely to attend religious services on a regular basis than working-class Americans.

Source: Breakpoint

Births to unmarrried women

Children of unmarried mothers are at higher risk of adverse birth outcomes such as low birthweight and infant mortality than are children of married mothers.  They are also more likely to live in poverty than children of married mothers.   Children are at greater risk for adverse consequences when born to a single mother, because the social, emotional, and financial resources available to the family may be limited.


The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Births to Unmarried Women", some of which are shown below.

In 2009, 41% of all births were to unmarried women.

Nearly half of first births were to unmarried women in 2009. Almost three-fourths of births to women under age 25 having their first child were nonmarital.


The percentage of all births to unmarried women rose from 18% of total births in 1980 to 33% in 1994. From 1994 to 2002, the percentage ranged from 32% to 34%. The percentage has increased more rapidly since 2002, reaching 41% in 2009.

Between 1980 and 1994, the birth rate for unmarried women ages 15–44 increased from 29.4 to 46.2 per 1,000.

Between 1995 and 2002, the rate fluctuated little, ranging from 42.9 to 44.3 per 1,000.

From 2002 to 2008, however, the rate increased from 43.7 to 52.5 per 1,000, before declining to 50.6 per 1,000 in 2009.

The birth rate among unmarried adolescents ages 15–19 declined between 1994 and 2005, increased in 2006 and 2007, and then decreased slightly in 2008.

Among adolescent subgroups, the rate for adolescents ages 15–17 declined from 31.7 per 1,000 in 1994 to 19.7 in 2005 and has changed little since (it was 20.6 in 2008).

For adolescents ages 18–19, the birth rate declined from 1994 to 2003 and increased annually from 2003 to 2007; the rate declined in 2008, when it was 61.9 per 1,000.

Birth rates for unmarried women in their twenties changed relatively little during the mid- to late 1990s. In the 2000s, for women ages 20–24, the rate rose from 70.5 per 1,000 in 2002 to 79.2 in 2008, and, for women ages 25–29, the rate rose from 58.5 per 1,000 in 2000 to 76.1 in 2008.

Birth rates for unmarried women ages 30–44 have steadily increased since the late 1990s.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Who is the pregnant single mother?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Real stories: Ann Forster

Ann was 19 and a sophomore in college when she found she was pregnant.  She tells her story in the Fall 2007 edition of The American Feminist.  Here is her story; read it to your pregnant daughter and talk about it.

I went to my boyfriend and told him and he was also shocked —we’d done what we thought would prevent this—and dismayed—he was also a sophomore in college, and like me, loving the luxuries of lots of free time and not a lot of responsibility. He hugged me and told me we’d figure it out, and drove me to Taco Bell for a bean burrito.

We went to the doctor, who did an ultrasound, which confirmed that I was six weeks pregnant, and gave us a glimpse of a little beating heart. We then drove the 2½ hours to his parents’ house. They were the “accepting ones”; the ones that we were sure would react with disappointment at the timing, but not with anger at our “irresponsible behavior.” But that was not what we got. His parents immediately jumped to the conclusion that abortion was the solution.

To say I never considered abortion would be dishonest. Of course I did. It is portrayed as the quick fix. The solution that costs the least in time, money and responsibility. Of course I considered it. But that’s not what I had chosen. I felt betrayed, alone and angry. Especially angry that this boy who I loved, and who professed to love me, with whom I had been in a relationship for more than a year—this boy, in response to his family’s position, adopted a new one. He said, “I love you, but this is a bad idea. Make it go away or I will go away.”

His mother, a proud feminist, warned me I would never succeed if I had a baby in college; that we needed to “terminate the pregnancy” so that her son and I could move into life as “unencumbered adults.”

I told my parents—the ones we were convinced would not react well; the ones we were sure would react with judgment— but they responded with unconditional support. And a feeling of indignation rose up in me. “Can’t succeed?” I thought, “Really? Have I not been raised to be and strived to be a strong woman? A capable woman? Does this right to choose for which I have argued so vehemently mean I don’t really have a choice? Can’t succeed? Really? Let’s find out.”

And so I did. I went to school full time until May and Ada was born June 17th. I lived in the dorm—I was comically huge, but I had a housing scholarship that I was not willing to give up. My professors embraced my choice—excusing me as I ran to the bathroom with morning sickness, laughing with me as it got harder and harder to squeeze into a desk, but also demanding my best effort on papers, in discussions. One professor said, “You know, Ann Lowrey, if you are going to be a woman who succeeds professionally, a little old pregnancy cannot turn off your brain.”

While I was pregnant, I competed on the mock trial team I had founded the year before. After Ada was born, I served two more terms as president of that organization. I wrote weekly opinion columns for the school paper. Ada sat in my lap as I read philosophy treatises for my philosophy of law class. I laughed a lot.

I was not able to do this because I am super woman—or because being a single mother and a full-time student at 20 is easy. I was able to do it because of the support I received. The mounds of emotional support and the financial resources provided by my academic scholarships and my family. These resources ensured that we never wanted for diapers or baby food or child care.

Patricia Heaton, two-time Emmy winner, honorary chair of Feminists For Life and Debra on “Everybody Loves Raymond,” who currently stars on “Back to You,” says, “Women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserve unplanned joy.” I did not get to spend a semester in Vienna as I had planned. But I did graduate with honors, on time, with two majors, and I have the most wonderful little girl who, rather than ruining my life and preventing me from succeeding, has only created new challenges and ways in which I can succeed.  And along the way, I realized that while I never stopped being a feminist, I was now a pro-life feminist.

My best friend, Paul, and I married two years after Ada was born, two weeks before he and I both defended our senior theses—his on education and mine on the deliberate blocking by Planned Parenthood and NOW of any pro-life Supreme Court justice. He adopted Ada in June 2007. A few months after we married, Paul and I found ourselves expecting. Ada has a new baby brother, and I am more and more proud of my role as a mother. If we work to ensure that the thousands of young women who find themselves pregnant in college every year have the resources Ada and I had, there can be unplanned joy. Let’s do that together.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Ann's story.  How did your daughter's partner react when she told him that she was pregnant?  Did he change his mind later?  How did your daughter expect each set of grandparents to react to the pregnancy news?  Did she expect you to have a very difficult reaction?  What emotional and financial support are you able to offer your daughter?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Real Stories: Joyce McCauley-Benner's pregnancy after rape

Joyce McCauley-Benner shares her personal experience with pregnancy after rape in an article "Victory over Violence" in the Fall 2007 edition of American Feminist (see page 10).

Like many college students, I wanted to move away from home and experience life on my own. I chose to move 1,100 miles away and I ended up working two jobs and surviving on financial aid to support this dream.

One of my jobs was at a restaurant. A cook in the restaurant started to show some favoritism towards me. The other servers were annoyed as my orders came out faster and better and my tips increased. I didn’t think much of it, until I was pushed inside a freezer and the cook made sexual advances towards me. No matter the number of times I broke free, it happened again.
Later that night, he raped me.

For the next several weeks, I tried just to keep my life barely intact and my classes at a passing level. About two months later I went to my on-campus health center for a check up. I asked the nurse if I was pregnant. She assured me I wasn’t and kept telling me the test would be negative. I wanted to believe in her confidence, but I had this nagging feeling that I was pregnant.

Five minutes passed. The clock ticked mercilessly, as I thought: “I don’t know how to take care of a baby! I’m not ready to be a mother, I don’t have medical coverage. I can’t do this now!” The nurse came back in a state of quiet shock and placed the positive test in front of me. I begged her to tell me what to do. She told me to take a prenatal vitamin, find a doctor, and be on my way. That was it.

I walked out in a daze. Was the cook this baby’s dad?  Some jerk who hurt me, for fun, in spiteful laughter, as he, when he was done, said “see ya round, bitch”? Could that moment, in all its ugliness, possibly have fostered a child?  Or did this baby belong to me and to my boyfriend, whom I loved deeply, who had been with me in loving times and fun-filled moments?  I had to wait until the birth to know.

Despair came in fast and furious. Either way seemed a dead end. Surely, either way was hard. Did I think about abortion? Sure. I wanted so badly for the pain to go away, the unknowing, but even abortion wouldn’t put the question of paternity to an end.

And I still didn’t know what to do. I was in a new town, no family, few friends close by, no health insurance and not a clue how to take care of myself during pregnancy.  One day, during a desperate call to a friend from home, I went over my so-called choices. She made a comment to me, “I know you are feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain and despair right now, but just know, no single feeling lasts forever. An abortion will.” That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Upon deeper reflection, I realized that while I did not know who the father of my baby was yet, I did know who his mother was. And that was me. There was as much of me inside this baby as there was the rapist, or my boyfriend. How could I allow yet another piece of me to be taken away?

I didn’t have much. But I had enough.  So I moved back home and had my baby boy. My boyfriend didn’t sign the paternity papers at the birth because he still didn’t know if he was the father and his friends and family encouraged him not to. It would take three months to learn who the dad was. But it didn’t matter to me any more, at least not as much. In Joshua McCauley’s eyes and tender hands I saw that part of me, fragile, needing love and support, but also full of life.

To learn later that women like Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton celebrated motherhood as a part of womanhood was very empowering. I was not going to be transformed from a woman to a mother, but rather my womanhood experience was expanding, enhanced by motherhood.

When I chose single motherhood, it was hard. Finding resources and returning to my hometown college were challenging. But I persevered through it all and tapped into a strength within myself I never knew I had. We, as women, can sell ourselves short sometimes. Some parts of society will tell us we can’t do it, we shouldn’t do it, or force us to choose between our dreams as women and our desires as mothers. But I am here to tell you, women deserve better choices than that.

If your daughter has been raped, get her the medical and emotional intervention she needs.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Joyce's experience.  What is your daughter's reaction to the quote "I realized that while I did not know who the father of my baby was yet, I did know who his mother was. And that was me. There was as much of me inside this baby as there was the rapist, or my boyfriend. How could I allow yet another piece of me to be taken away?"  Joyce talks about being pressured to choose between "our dreams as women and our desires as mothers"... ask your pregnant daughter what her dreams and desires are.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Understanding Child Support

All parents are legally responsible to support their children. Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) notes that child support must continue until one of these conditions is met:

• the child reaches the age of majority
• the child enters active military duty
• the child is declared emancipated by a court
• the parents' rights are terminated (for example, during an adoption process)

Your pregnant daughter and the baby's father might meet the child support requirements by one parent being the primary caretaker and the other parent paying monthly child support payments.

Each State has its own formula for calculating child support payments and often takes the following into consideration:

• how much time each parent spends caring for the child
• each parent's income and living expenses
• each parent's ability to earn income
• each parent's eligibility for welfare benefits
• the number and ages of children each parent is responsible for
• the ability of the parent to pay child support

Money received as child support payments is income-tax-free to the recipient.

All States specifically prohibit parents from withholding visitation just because the other parent owes child support money.

For your pregnant daughter to receive child support payments from the baby's father, the child must be born and then she must go to court to get a court order. This will definitely need a lawyer's involvement.

Once there is a court order, there will still be the battle of actually collecting the payments. Zemmelman notes that "On average, fathers paid between two-thirds and three-fourths of the awarded support, but their compliance with support orders fell off over time." In other words, many fathers don't pay the full amount they are ordered to pay, and they tend to pay even less (or stop making payments) as the child grows older. Zemmelman notes that the best way to improve the chance of receiving child support payments is for the father to be actively and consistently involved in the child's life. Research shows that fathers tend to "continue paying child support when they had regular and frequent visits" with their children and that the less involved with the child the less likely they were to keep paying support.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Child custody definitions

Your pregnant daughter may need to formally define the legal custody and physical custody of her child.   Legal custody is the authority to make decisions about the child. Physical custody is the physical care of the child. Some States merge these ideas together, but some states keep them separate.

Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) explains that in States where legal and physical custody are separate concepts, you may have the following situations:

1. Sole legal and physical custody: one parent has the decision-making responsibility, and the child spends most of their time with that parents.
2. Shared legal and sole physical custody: both parents must share decision-making responsibility, but the child spends most of their time with one parent.
3. Shared legal custody and shared physical custody: both parents must share decision-making responsibility, and the child must spend fairly equal time with both parents.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Parenting agreements

If your pregnant daughter will not be marrying her child's father, help her create a written parenting agreement.  The parenting agreement can be general or can cover specific scenarios in great detail, but it should at least describe how your daughter and the baby's father will meet their parental responsibilities. 

How will they take care of the child's needs: medical, psychological, educational, physical, social, and spiritual?
Who will make decisions about daily life and about large important issues?
How will they make sure that each parent spends time with the child?

The goal of writing a parenting agreement is to reduce conflict between your daughter and the baby's father and to help the child have a good relationship with both parents.  "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works" (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) has lots of good information (even though it is written mostly for parents that are divorcing) and has good templates in the back of the book.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Real Story: Apryl Roberts

Apryl got pregnant at 16 while "just experimenting with sex with her first boyfriend" (who was 19).  Parents, don't let your minor daughter "date" a man who is an adult!  Apryl says that her boyfriend didn't pressure her into sex...that she "just wanted to know what sex was like."  The power difference caused by the age difference is too dangerous for your daughter.  Apryl may not have been explicitly pressured, but there may not have been a need for an adult man to pressure a 16 year old... the power level difference did all the pressuring for him.  Ask your pregnant daughter how she came to be sexually active.  How old was she and how old was her partner?  Was she pressured?  Was she experimenting?  What other risk-filled behaviors has she experimented with or been pressured into?  Has she experimented with or been pressured into smoking, drugs and alcohol?

At 16, Apryl was a high school junior taking honors classes and piano lessons, and participating in beauty pageants.  She says "My mother was very protective, but I felt smothered.  I wanted to experience things for myself."  Ask your pregnant daughter if she felt like Apryl.  Ask her how she would protect her daughter without her own child feeling smothered. 

Apryl was scared to tell her mother about being pregnant, so she hid her pregnancy for 6 months until a cousin pointed out to her mother that Apryl had been gaining weight.  Apryl's mom asked Apryl if she was pregnant.  Apryl said, "When I confessed, it was such a relief."  Ask your pregnant daughter what she was feeling in the time between discovering she was pregnant and you finding out about it.  Was your pregnant daughter also relieved when the secret was revealed?  You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Hearing the Shocking News" and "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Apryl and her boyfriend had talked about abortion, but "were on the fence about it."  When Apryl's mother took her to an abortion clinic, they found that Apryl's son was too developed to be aborted in Virginia.  When Apryl heard the explanation for how a second trimester abortion is performed, she said, "No, I'm not going to do that.  I knew I couldn't live with myself.  My mother understood, but at the same time, she was upset.  She didn't talk to me for two months."  Ask your pregnant daughter if she had investigated aborting her child.  What were her feelings?

Apryl said that being pregnant in high school was difficult.  The school administration wanted her to attend a different high school that had a program for pregnant girls and focused on parenting classes.  But Apryl wanted to stay in her accelerated class program.  Ask your pregnant daughter if she wants to stay at her current school or if she wants to attend a program that can teach her parenting skills.  You might find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".



The last week of her junior year, she gave birth to her son.  Apryl's mother wouldn't let Apryl have an epidural because "She wanted me to experience the pain of labor, which was bad.  That experience definitely made me think."  A week after giving birth, Apryl was back at high school to take her final exams.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about writing up a birth plan.  Do research together to learn about hospital policies and about the areas where your daughter has options in the birth process.  You might find it helpful to read the chapter "The baby is born" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Apryl returned to high school for her senior year and also had a part-time job.  Apryl's mother "wanted me to experience motherhood, so she made it clear that she wasn't going to get up in the middle of the night to take care of my baby."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about what kinds of help you will give and what things she must do for herself.  Write down your list.  Is your help dependent on anything (like good grades, etc.)? 

Apryl's aunt ran a home daycare that took care of her son while she was in school, and the father's baby (who had joined the Army) sent part of his paycheck to help pay for daycare.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about child care.  Who will provide care while she is in school or at work?  How will she pay for child care?  What will she do when her child is sick and isn't allowed to go to child care?  What help will the baby's father be providing?  Will his family help care for their child, or will he contribute money?  You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Apryl graduated high school on time and with honors, and started college which she discovered was more difficult than high school.  "At one point, I had to cut back with college and go only part time while working full-time as an administrative assistant."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about her plans for college.  How will she pay tuition?  How will she pay for child care while she is in class or working?

Apryl says, "I never resented the baby, but I did begin to second-guess myself and wonder if I was ever going to finish school and accomplish my goals.  When Avion (her son) was 2, I broke up with his father, who had gotten kicked out of the Army.  I needed to be with someone who was ambitious because I had lots of things I wanted to do.  I needed to be with someone more proactive."  We recently wrote about the fact that most couples who have a baby outside of marriage have broken up before the baby is 5 years old.  What are your pregnant daughter's hopes for her relationship with the baby's father?  Does he have the qualities she is looking for in a husband and father to her child?  You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", "Should she make an adoption plan?" and "Our hope for the next five years" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Today, Apryl has been married and divorced.  Her son, Avion, is 19 and in college full time with a full-time job.  "He still has contact with his father even though his father wasn't around much at all when he was growing up despite the fact that we've always lived in the same city."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about this... how will she feel if her baby's father does not participate in raising their child?  How will she feel if he is in the same town as herself and their child yet he's not involved with them?  You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

At 36, Apryl looks back at her life and says, "Having a child so young forced me to grow up quickly.  I wish I would have waited to be in a serious relationship and dated more, gone on trips and had the chance to go to movies, dances, and parties - all those fun things you do when you're in high school and college."  Having a baby outside of marriage can mean the loss of many dreams.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about her fears and her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her with her college dreams and also benefit the child with a two-parent family that is ready to support a child?

Apryl continues, "I don't feel the urge to make up for lost time, but I know I missed out on a lot because I had to stay home and be a mother.  With Avion, I've worked on having a more open relationship than I had with my own mother.  I want him to feel like he can tell me anything about sex, peer pressure, and dating.  I've never tried to hide my experiences.  I tell him that I don't regret having him because I believe it brought me to where I am today."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about this comment.  Tell your daughter how you felt when you became a mother... did you feel you missed out on things?  Did you feel you had to stay home and be a mother?  Do you feel that you've had a more open relationship with your daughter than you had with your own mother?  Ask your daughter how she thinks she will parent differently.  What would she do differently so that her child can talk more easily to her about sex, peer pressure, and dating than she was able to talk to you?

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Michelle Murphy

Watch Michelle's story with your pregnant daughter. Michelle got pregnant at 15 and chose to give birth to her son Michael. She considered adoption, but chose to be a single mom.

Real Stories: Sasha's pregnancy after rape

Watch Sasha Nelson's story about becoming pregnant after being raped, and her thoughts about abortion and choosing life for her son, Charlie

Teaching manliness to sons

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."

Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.

Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.

Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?

As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Alicia's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Alicia tells her story:

Before I tell you my story, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m not blaming anyone but me for the choices I made in my life. But that wasn’t how I felt that April night when I came home from work.

I came home that night feeling as if something was not right with my body. I continued questioning myself, “What could it be?” I sat down in the living room and just cried. I felt as if it really did not matter what was wrong because I did not have anyone to listen to me. Out of habit and without even thinking about it, I turned on the TV. And almost as soon as I did, a commercial for a home pregnancy test came on.

Hearing this ad raised a question in my mind. “Could this be what was wrong with me? No, I could not be pregnant.” I did not want to even think about it. So I bought a kit with two pregnancy tests and took the first test ... pregnant. Hoping I’d done something wrong, I took the second test ... pregnant.

Feeling terribly alone and extremely guilty, my mind filled with questions. “How could I be a mother? How could I provide a home for a baby?” I had to get out of my apartment. I left and went to talk to a friend. I know that my friend meant well. However, he was too busy working on his jeep to really have anything to say about my situation. He just kept saying, “Are you sure? Do you know who the father is?” Talking with him only made things worse.

I turned the TV back on. And that’s when I heard a young woman’s voice saying: “If you’re facing an unplanned pregnancy, you have options. You don’t have to be alone. Call 1-800-395-HELP. Our services are totally confidential and free. If you’re pregnant, call now. There is help.” I couldn’t believe my ears. It was as if God had arranged things just so I heard that ad at the very moment when I most needed some hope.

Grace. That’s what moved me to respond to that young woman’s voice.

The name of the woman at the Option Line contact center who took my call was Megan. But for me that night, Megan was an angel from heaven.

She understood what I was going through because she’d had a crisis pregnancy herself. She was kind and not in the least judgmental. And she gave me the information and encouragement I needed...especially about adoption since that’s the option Megan chose for her baby. But most of all...Megan gave me hope. So when she asked if I wanted her to connect me to a local crisis pregnancy center’s 24-hour hotline, I said yes...and a moment later I was talking with a trained volunteer and making an appointment to come in for a consultation the very next day.

I met with a volunteer named Peggy and I talked for a long time. I poured out my heart to her. I was so afraid. I was sure that neither my father nor my boyfriend would support me. I told Peggy I would probably lose my job because my company has a “no fraternization” policy, and my boyfriend and I work for the same company. I talked for what seemed like forever...and Peggy listened.

Finally, after I’d talked myself out, Peggy took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye and told me she was there to help me. You can’t imagine how I felt at the sound of those words. It was as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Peggy assured me that I was not alone. She said she would be with me every step of the way. And then she prayed with me. After that, Peggy said that before she and I could address the changes I needed to make in my life, the first thing I needed to do was make sure I was pregnant. So I agreed to come back to the center’s medical clinic for an ultrasound.

Almost immediately after leaving the clinic, I called my mother at work. I just straightened my voice and said, “Mom, please don’t hate me...I’m pregnant.” As soon as the words came out, the tears started flowing again. All I could hear my mom say is that everything would be okay and that she was my mom and she was here to support me.

I am grateful to God for my mom. She did not abandon me. In fact, she came with me when I went in for my [second] sonogram. I am so thankful she did. I saw my baby’s heart beating on the screen, and my mother and I began to weep. Then the nurse showed us the images of my baby.

This past December – thanks to God – I gave birth to my baby girl. Her name is Alexis Jean...and she is the light of my life. If it hadn’t been for Heartbeat, I don’t know how I would have gotten by.

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Tia's story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tia tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought there was no way I could provide for a child and decided that abortion was my only option. I went to the City Health Department looking for an abortion referral, but they suggested I go to the Pregnancy Care Center, a local Care Net center in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. At first I was scared they were going to judge me because of my situation, but when I walked through the doors I was accepted with open arms. My peer counselor offered me hope and assurance and told me that God has a plan for everyone, and that included me and my child. She told me that God would take care of both of us if I would let Him. That day, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and chose life for my child.

The center arranged for me to have an ultrasound, which revealed that I was having twins! Excited but a little anxious, this news motivated me to begin parenting classes at the center as well as to attend a Bible study. Through the parenting classes, I learned how to take care of myself, as well as my children. Through the Bible study, I learned how to draw closer to God and how to make positive decisions for my future. I realized that I’m worth waiting for and have made a new commitment to remain abstinent until marriage.

Today I am the proud mother of twins, a boy and girl, who I named Ma-chi and Ma-chiya. I plan on completing a degree in nursing and will soon begin classes.

If I could give advice to other girls that find themselves in a similar situation, I would tell them to never give up and to put all their faith in God, because with Him, anything is possible!

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Tina and Isabella's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tina tells her story:

My boyfriend said there was only one option: abortion. After all, what would our parents say? What would the people at our church think?

I obediently scheduled an appointment, but before the date arrived, I was overwhelmed with doubts. I knew I couldn't do it. Desperate for help and options, I turned to the phone book and found the Care Net Pregnancy Center of Cochise County.

I scheduled an appointment to meet with a peer counselor. They sat down with me and helped me go over all of my options, and they really listened to my needs. I didn't feel judged; I just felt cared for.

After meeting with my counselor, I knew that I wanted to keep this baby. I still had fears about how this decision was going to affect my future, but the staff from the pregnancy center was there for me throughout my pregnancy. They offered me parenting classes as well as ears to talk to, shoulders to cry on, and ready prayers.

And now, I have a beautiful little daughter, Isabella. When I look at my daughter, I still cannot believe that I almost considered abortion. Life as a single mother is not a bed of roses, but the love that I have for my daughter and the love that she gives to me make it all worthwhile.

I am so thankful for the love and support I received at the Care Net center and for their continuing friendship and prayers!

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Megan and Ava's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Megan tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, confused, and believed everything I had been told. "Having a baby will ruin your life." "Abortion is the only way out." "Young single mothers cannot make it in this world." The fears I felt toward confronting the pregnancy, and having such drastic changes take place in my life, confirmed my decision. An abortion was the only way to "save" my life as I knew it.

I made an appointment for the next week for a medical abortion, where I would take the medication/pill regimen known as RU-486. The thought of "surgical abortion" made me queasy, and the clinic staff made the pill sound so simple - like taking a Tylenol for a headache. It seemed like the perfect solution had fallen right in my lap. But what I first thought was the answer to my prayers soon came with its own set of worries. I couldn't shake the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, those unsettled feelings that I was sure would disappear since I had made the appointment to take the RU-486.

My anxiety worsened as the date for the abortion grew closer. I crept slowly through the days, wishing that I could stall the abortion appointment until I felt 100% confident about my choice. It was the biggest decision of my life, and I needed, I craved some conviction that it was the right decision. One day, as I was riding on the bus I saw a sign that read, "Considering Abortion? Pregnancy Care Centers: Caring, Confidential, Trusted." It gave me a sense of comfort I hadn't felt in weeks. I decided to call the number... I figured at that point, what did I have to lose? Maybe I did have one more chance to talk to someone before the abortion.

When I called the Help Line phone number, I was nervous - I didn't want to be judged or pressured. I just wanted to hear something hopeful. The woman on the other end of the line listened, and didn't judge. She gave me information, and set me up with an appointment. I don't know what prompted me to go. But I knew that I couldn't go in and get the abortion without some sense of affirmation that whatever choice I made, it would be a well-informed decision.

The visit to the pregnancy care center changed my life. For the first time, I saw my situation for what it really was - a blessing, a miracle of life. I saw my baby on the ultrasound as a real person. I could see her as a newborn baby... a little girl... and a grown woman who would do amazing things in this world if I would just give her the opportunity. Seeing Ava opened my eyes to everything I couldn't see before. I was able to see past my fears and my worries, and experience the excitement and joy of a new life. I felt a renewed sense of purpose, and an overwhelming responsibility to myself as a woman, and my capabilities of being a mother. The support and love the center showed me gave me the validation I was searching for all along.

The center wasn't about fixing a "problem" or telling me what to do - it was about the undeniable, unselfish celebration of life... and not just my baby's life, but mine as well. It was about empowerment, guidance and support. They were my reminder, when I was too scared to remind myself, that I didn't need to succumb to pressure just because I was afraid, and that I could choose the life I wanted. For the first time, I felt like I had choices and that I could make a genuine, confident decision.

When I left the clinic, I realized that the pit in my stomach was gone. I no longer had that nagging feeling of dread I had while I was waiting to have the abortion. I finally understood that the dread was not just a result of my current situation. It was really a preview of the regret that I would feel living the rest of my life knowing I had made a decision that I didn't have any information about. It was regret in a decision which would have stolen those qualities of joy and unconditional love that I experience in my life every day now.

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Five Myths on Fathers and Family

The National Review recently ran an article titled "Five Myths on Fathers and Family" by W. Bradford Wilcox (a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia). Here are a few interesting tidbits from that article.

1) The 'Mr. Mom' Surge is a myth. America has 22.5 million married familes with children under the age of 15. Less than 1% of these had a stay-at-home dad in 2008, but 24% had a stay-at-home mom.

What does your single-and-pregnant daughter envision for her role as mother? Does she desire to be a stay-at-home mom?

2) Myth: Women want everything 50/50. While married mothers do want fathers to contribute to housework and childcare, most do not insist on 50/50 because they count his full-time job as a contribution to the household. "A 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20% of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72% of fathers with children under 18."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter desire to work full-time, or would she prefer to work only part-time or not at all? If the baby's father will be involved in raising their child, what expectations does she have about his contributions to childcare and support? Does the baby's father desire to work full time?

3) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper. "Experts now estimate that about 40% of American children will spend some time in a cohabiting household, either because they are born into such a household or because one of their parents cohabits after a breakup. ... On average, cohabiting fathers do not compare with married fathers. As Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland and Kermyt Anderson of the University of Oklahoma found in a recent study, married fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their children than are cohabiting fathers. In fact, from their research, they conclude 'that marriage per se confers advantage in terms of father involvement above and beyond the characteristics of the fathers themselves.' Married fathers are also much more likely than their cohabiting peers to stick around. One recent study by Wendy Manning at Bowling Green State and Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan found that 50% of children born to cohabiting parents saw their parents break up by age five; by comparison, only 15% of children born to married parents saw their parents divorce by age five. Dad is much more likely to stick around if he has a wedding ring on his finger."

Paul Amato's research summarizes results that cohabiting parents tend to "have less education, earn less income, report poorer relationship quality, and experience more mental health problems" than parents who are married.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about this research. Does she want her child's father to stick around? If so, what is keeping them from getting married?

4) Myth: Divorce doesn't hurt children; single-parenting doesn't hurt children. "According to research by Sara McLanahan of Princeton University and Paul Amato of Penn State, girls whose parents divorce are about twice as likely to drop out of high school, to become pregnant as teenagers, and to suffer from psychological problems such as depression and thoughts of suicide. Girls whose parents divorce are also much more likely to divorce later in life."

In Amato's article in "The Future of Children", he points out that children born to single parents "reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, and are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression" than children raised in a two-parent family.

Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur "found that 31% of youth with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared with 37% of youth born outside marriage," compared to 13% of youth whose parents were continuously married. "Similarly, 33% of daughters with divorced parents had a teen birth, compared to 37% of daughters born outside marriage" and 11% of daughters with continuously married parents. "Other studies that have compared offspring in these two groups yield similar results with respect to occupational attainment, earned income, depression, and the risk of seeing one's own marriage end in divorce."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? or at all? A father-figure is very important in the development of children. The statistics above indicate that children with married parents are less likely to have problems. They also indicate that children do a little better in a divorced family than in a single-parent family. What does your daughter think about these statistics? Do they encourage her to get married or to examine an adoption plan so her child can be raised by married parents?

5) Myth: Dads are dispensable. "Children typically do better in an intact, married families with their fathers than they do in families headed by single mothers."

"Fathers bring distinctive talents to the parenting enterprise. The work of psychologist Ross Parke, for instance, indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to engage their children in vigorous physical play (e.g., roughhousing), to challenge their children — including their daughters — to embrace life’s challenges, and to be firm disciplinarians."

"Not surprisingly, children benefit from being exposed to the distinctive paternal style. Sociologist David Eggebeen has shown, for instance, that teenagers are significantly less likely to suffer from depression and delinquency when they have involved and affectionate fathers, even after controlling for the quality of their relationship with their mother. In his words, “What these analyses clearly show is that mothers and fathers both make vital contributions to adolescent well-being.”"

"Linda Carroll at MSNBC has written an incisive story showing that involved and affectionate fathers play a crucial role in steering their daughters away from early sexual activity; in fact, it turns out that dads are more important than moms in protecting their teenage daughters from early sex."

Who will play the role of father-figure for your daughter's child? If no one is able or willing to make this commitment, she should consider making an adoption plan that involves a married couple.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Stress and Support

A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year.

Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.

Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this statistic. Does she plan to be a single parent, or to marry the baby's father? What are her thoughts about how she can better handle the stress of being a parent after her baby is born? How will she maintain contact with friends and family? How will she get to church at least once a week? What social groups will she attend regularly? For example, does your church have a single parent's support group? Or a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group? Does your pregnant daughter have a history of depression? If so, she should be prepared to take quick action if she gets depressed after the baby is born.

If your family does not have the resources to help your pregnant daughter with these needs for emotional and social support and she does not plan to marry the baby's father, consider whether an adoption plan would provide benefits for both the child and your daughter.

Help your daughter get emotional support right now, during her pregnancy, by attending classes at your local pregnancy help center. Your daughter can learn about parenting and adoption, decision-making skills, relationship skills, and maybe even financial skills and job skills if those topics are available.

Single Moms Often Poor

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.

In 2002, 7.8% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4% of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If he is a safe person and has the potential to provide for his family and to learn parenting skills, your daughter should seek counseling about whether to marry him. I strongly recommend that any couple get good pre-marriage counseling that teaches them about managing expectations, communication skills, and gives the basics of financial skills such as budgeting and balancing a checkbook. In addition, the couple will need to be attending parenting skills classes so that they both participate in caring for the needs of their child. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?"

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure?

If no father-figure is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

If your daughter is determined to be a single mother, what job skills does your she currently have? How can you help your pregnant daughter improve her job skills? What kind of career could she train for quickly? What financial help for living expenses or career training expenses are available in your family? Where can she get quality childcare while she is at work? You may also want to read the "Childcare Responsibilities" chapter in our book .

Setting Goals

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Planning and Preparing for My Choice" and it focuses on making goals and taking action regarding the relationship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

Goals are important in all areas of life: Goals give us a sense of purpose and direction. Goals help to move us to act. Goals help you decide what is most important to do first. Goals keep you focused on improving your life and not just doing for doing’s sake. Goals give you signs that you are making progress.

What kinds of goals might your pregnant daughter have at this point? The lesson gives a bunch of example goals. Discuss these goals with your daughter; have her pick out goals that are meaningful to her, given her specific situation.

Example Goals for building a strong family: To better manage my stress and anger. To spend time with my baby and other children. To take better care of myself so I can be a better parent. To visit my mom once a week with the baby. To earn enough money to care for my family. To learn new job skills. To set and work on goals for my family’s future. To keep a balance between my work and family responsibilities. To think about my baby first when getting involved with someone romantically. To find free or inexpensive things to do as a family. To find safe and affordable child care (Read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book). To get to know my partner’s other children.

Exampel Goals for involving my baby’s father or mother -- for parenting together: To prepare a parenting plan with my baby’s other parent. To set a time each week for my baby’s dad to see him or her. To find another man who can be a male presence (father figure) for my baby. To have my baby’s dad help take care of my baby. To get financial support from my baby’s dad. To help my child get to know his/her dad. To increase my partner’s involvement in making decisions about our baby. To work together with my baby’s dad to raise him or her. To get the family members of my baby’s dad involved. To set aside my negative feelings about my baby’s dad (Read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book).

Example Goals for creating a healthy relationship with my baby’s father: To patch things up with my baby’s father or mother. To open the lines of communication with my baby’s mother or father. To get ready to marry my baby’s father or mother, or another person. To learn how to talk to my baby’s father or other partner without being afraid. To learn good listening skills. To watch my body language and avoid giving mixed messages to my baby’s father or other partners. To listen and allow him/her to express his/her feelings when she/he does it safely. To spend time together alone. To be more assertive. To ask for help from my family or baby’s father or other partner. To leave the relationship because it is unhealthy and unsafe for me and my baby. To work toward a long-term relationship with my baby’s mother or father. To solve problems together about our baby. To say “no” and not feel guilty. To enjoy my life with or without a romantic relationship. To recognize my strengths. To nurture and take good care of myself. To find a partner that wants a healthy and loving relationship with me. To have a more positive relationship with my baby’s father.

If you don’t know what to do, set a goal: To decide what role my baby’s dad or mom should have in my baby’s upbringing. To decide your future involvement with my baby’s other parent. To decide the steps to make my family stronger.

Now that you have picked a few goals, write down your goal and how long it might take you to achieve it. Write down the three biggest strengths you have that will help you achieve this goal. Write down as many potential stumbling blocks as you can think of. Which of these stumbling blocks do you have control over? Brainstorm ways to handle the stumbling blocks that you have control over. Write down what this goal will cost you (What will you have to give up to get what you want? Money, time, relationships, present living situation, other choices?). Finally, write down action steps that move you toward completing this goal. Make one action step something you can do today, one step something you can do this week, and one step something you can do this month.

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "First steps to take", "Where will we be in a year?", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Examining Relationships

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Making Your Choice" and it focuses on examining the realtionship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson asks some questions to help each person look at their relationship. These questions should be answered on paper, by your daughter and the baby's father separately. As a parent, write your own answers to some of these questions twice: once about your pregnant daughter and once about the baby's father [as you'll see, not all of them apply to you. For example, 'would you consider marrying this person?' However, you could rewrite them to work for you (for example, 'do you think your daughter should consider marrying this person')]. After everyone is finished writing their answers, get together (possibly with an outside counselor) and discuss everyone's answers. These also make good thought questions for your other children who are in dating relationships (some questions will have to be reworded to match their dating relationship instead of a parenting relationship).

• When you think of the baby’s father/mother, what are the major feelings you have?
• Would you consider marrying this person? Why or why not?
• What do you think marriage to this person would be like?
• What attracted you to him or her to begin with? Do the same things still attract you?
• Has the baby’s father or mother been a good or bad influence in your life?
• Do you love each other?
• What do you like best about him or her? Least?
• Who puts more into the relationship?
• Do you get along with his/her family and friends?
• How would you change him/her?
• Do you talk enough? Do you listen to each other when you do talk?
• Do you argue too much or not enough?
• Has the baby’s mother/father hurt you or your baby in any major way? If so, was it deliberate? Were his/her intentions good?
• Have you hurt him/her or your baby in any way?
• Does he/she limit you in any way? If so, how?
• What interests and friends do you share?
• How would you describe him/her as parent? Is he a good father or is she a good mother?
• What would you miss if you stopped seeing each other? What do you miss, if have already stopped seeing each other?
• What would you be glad about if you broke up? Or what are you glad about since you broke up?
• How does your relationship compare to the one you’d like?
• How do you see your relationship with him/her five years from now? 18 years from now?
• Are your present actions taking you there?
• What other concerns do you have about the baby’s father or mother?

Now that you have examined the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father a little bit, you can start to examine the options for their relationship going forward. There are a number of options which should be considered carefully. Make pro/con lists for each of these options. Then spend time thinking and praying about which choice to make. Basically, your pregnant daughter has the following choices for the relationship with the baby's father:

• Marry the baby's father 'soon' (within a year)
• Marry the baby's father at some point much later (years in the future)
• Have no contact/involvement with the baby's father: either be a single parent, marry someone else (at some later point), or choose an adoptive family for the baby
• Not marry the baby's father but he will be involved in parenting with you to some degree
• Not marry the baby's father at this time (and maybe never) and choose an adoptive family for the baby

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?".