Real Story: Tanika Stevenson's murder

Tanika Stevenson (24) was murdered in 1997 because she refused to abort her third child with Derrick Clements (25).  Derrick was married to someone else and had three children with his wife.  Derrick had already paid Tanika to abort two of their children, and she refused to abort their third child.  So Derrick shot Tanika in the back of the head and stuffed her body into the trunk of her own car, then parked the car at the Dowdell’s Knob overlook in Pine Mountain’s Franklin D. Roosevelt State Park in Georgia.  He stole her ATM card and withdrew money from her account, telling police that he had paid her to have an abortion and he wanted his money back since she would not abort.

If your daughter is pregnant by a married man who is not her husband, talk to her about her safety.  Has he threatened her in any way?  Is he insisting on abortion?  Do they fight about her pregnancy?  If so, ask her to not see him in private at any time, to always have someone with her.  If he has threatened her, ask her to talk to the police and/or a lawyer about getting a restraining order against him.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!  

Maps for Dads

"Maps for New Dads" is a great brochure for the baby's father, covering both prenatal and newborn topics.  Print out a free copy and give it to the baby's father.  Use the brochure as a guideline for family talk times.  Your pregnant daughter and other family members may like a copy too so that they can participate in the discussion.

Topics covered in the brochure are:
Prenatal: Before Your Baby Is BornHow Do You Feel About Being a Dad?
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
The First Trimester
The Second Trimester
The Third Trimester
Dad Fears...There are Plenty!
Dads Make a Difference
Settling Down
Just the Facts
Get Involved and Stay Involved
Prenatal Visits: Why Are They So Important?
Making a Healthy Baby – Dad’s Part
Show Me the Money!
What You Can Do to Get Ready
What’s Up with the New Mom?
Chef Dad
What If My Baby's Mother and I Aren't Together?
What You Can Expect When the Baby Comes
Bonding With Your New Baby
Changing A Diaper!
Sleeping, Dressing, Grooming
Feeding
Crying
Never Shake a Baby
Newborn Safety
All About Cribs
Make Your House a Smoke-free Zone
Supporting Your Baby’s Mom
What Are Mommy Blues?
Make Dadhood Legal
Getting a Job and Going to School
Live Like Dad...Be There!

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!  

Real stories: Allison Walsh

Allison Walsh, 21, was seven months pregnant and living with her 22-year-old boyfriend (Matthew Becker) and his family.  Matthew shot and killed Allison on August 12, and their unborn daughter died too.  Why did Matthew kill Allison?  His family says that Matthew was not happy that Allison was pregnant.  Allison had told her family that Matthew wanted her to abort the baby and that he had said that he would not help care for the child when it was born.  Matthew had a history of physically and verbally abusing his girlfriends.  Matthew also had a history of threatening his girlfriends with knives and guns, and was very controlling.

If your daughter's relationship to the baby's father has any similarity to the above, please help your daughter escape him and stay away from him.  Take his threats very seriously.  Get your daughter counseling for the verbal abuse so that she can stay away from him.  Talk to the police and to a lawyer about what you can do to protect your daughter and her unborn child.  Learn about domestic violence at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Real story: Troy Gaines

Troy Gaines grew up in Akron, Ohio, in the 1970’s. He grew up without his father.

Troy has painful memories of not receiving any direction from his dad about school, sports, or any other part of his life. He was a star running back for his middle school football team that won three championships. He felt like if he did well at football that his father would take an interest in his life. He has vivid memories of waiting for his father to show up after each of his football games, only to be
bitterly disappointed.

In his own words, he “wanted to lash out.” Troy turned to other people and things to fill the void that his father had left in his life. As a result, he had several run-ins with police, and starting in 2002 he spent a year at the Summit County Jail. At the time he went to prison, he was leaving behind his 22 year old girlfriend, Stacey, and their one week old son, Xavier. Troy recalls thinking that Xavier would feel the same way about him as he felt about his own dad.

It took a tragedy in Troy’s life for him to really turn the corner. While in prison, Troy learned that his girlfriend, Stacey, was murdered by guys that came to the house looking for drugs. Distraught from the loss of his girlfriend, Troy realized he needed help on what it means to be a man and father. He had a renewed determination to be there for his son in ways that his father was not there for him. He was committed to breaking the vicious cycle of father absence.

It was at that point that he turned to a man named Frank Williams, who was leading the InsideOut Dad™ program, which is helping inmate fathers throughout the country reconnect with their children before they are released. Troy had asked Frank for help on how to be a better man and father, and Frank was more than willing to answer that call. (Frank leads the Man2Man Fatherhood Building Program in Akron, Ohio.)

Troy knew he was in the right place when he joined the InsideOut Dad™ program and became part of a community of men that could support, encourage, and challenge each other to be better fathers, even while incarcerated. Troy remarked, “The [National] Fatherhood Initiative program [InsideOut Dad™] helped me to realize you have to make some changes in your life because what you’re doing is going to affect your boy.”

When Troy was released from prison, his first two goals were to find a job and connect with his one year old son. Now that Xavier is 8 years old, Troy is committed to helping him with homework and football, the very things he desperately wanted from his own dad. In fact, Troy tries to attend every game and practice that Xavier has. The impact of Troy’s involvement in Xavier’s life can best be seen
when talking to Xavier.

“With my dad at my games, I feel better and I care more. I love him a lot because he is a very good dad. If you make a mistake, he’ll make you keep going and going and… make you lift your head up.”

Troy knows there is a lot at stake in what type of father he is to Xavier. “Kids do exactly what they see their parents do. If I didn’t straighten up how I did, he would probably follow in my footsteps because he wanted to be like me.”

Troy tells Xavier at least five times a day that he loves him.  We can tell that Xavier knows it when he says, “My dad loves me and would do anything for me.”

Troy’s moving story is featured in a video that was released as part of the Connections Project, an initiative to train practitioners around the country on how to better serve fathers in a corrections setting. To view the video of Troy’s story, please visit www.connectionsproject.org. The Connections Project is being funded by the Bureau of Justice Assistance, a component of the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Challenges faced by the baby's father

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a noted international expert on child development, notes that expectant fathers often feel excluded. These feelings may show up because pregnancy is typically a time when family, friends and health care professionals focus on the mother.  His pregnant partner is asked repeatedly about her health and well-being, while few people, if any, think to engage him in an authentic way about his own experience. In addition, the expectant mother has a physical connection to the developing child that excludes the father.

This exclusion very often leads to feelings of competition. The expectant father now has to compete with his partner for attention from their friends and family. He has to compete with the pregnancy for attention from his partner. Also, because his prenatal experience may sometimes feel like it is largely one of observation, the expectant father may feel as if he has to rely on his partner for information about their forming child. If not deliberately approached from a place of inclusion, this situation can set up an unhealthy power dynamic, with the mother-to-be positioned as gatekeeper of “all things baby.”

Dr. Brazelton stressed the need for prenatal health care providers to draw the father out of his isolation and engage him in the pregnancy. He sees prenatal visits as a time to expose the father to his  developing baby’s heartbeat and sonogram, as well as an opportunity to ask the father questions about his worries and dreams for his baby. Dr. Brazelton recommends that practitioners show the expectant father how much his baby experiences in the womb as a way to predispose him towards later involvement in his infant’s development.

Another father-specific obstacle discussed throughout the conference is the difficulty many men have defining their role as the father in a family. Some men may have trouble because they lacked a strong father figure in their own home.  Another factor may be the increasingly ambiguous role of the father as experienced in and expressed by our society. The “provider” role is still a very dominant concept in the minds of many men and women, and it is an especially daunting one for un- or underemployed expectant fathers. Fortunately, the model of an involved father continues to broaden from mere
breadwinner and disciplinarian to include coparent, teacher, and nurturer, among others.

Still, there is a perceived disconnect between expectations of masculinity and what it is to be a caring father. For instance, David Johnson, a public health advisor from the Office of Family Planning, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, stressed the need to promote healthier behaviors as expressions of manhood. Yet another barrier to prenatal paternal involvement is that the existing public programs (in general) do not focus on the family as a whole. Programs tend to serve mother and child, while some serve fathers. It is a tough transition for programs to shift to serving the family as a whole system. Mr. Johnson also underscored the need to be prepared to serve various family structures (married, separated, cohabiting). He believes that we more effectively serve fathers when we approach them through an understanding of their own realities and challenges.

One final highlighted challenge is society’s broad disregard for the importance of father
involvement during pregnancy. Expectant fathers report great difficulty taking time away from work or school to attend prenatal appointments and classes. This is typically not the case for the pregnant mother. A recent National Fatherhood Initiative survey asked 701 American fathers about the obstacles they faced to being a good father. “Work responsibilities” was the answer most frequently given. Of the respondents who were not married to their child’s mother, the most frequent obstacle reported was resistance and lack of cooperation from the mother.  Whether an accurate perception or not, this information stresses the need to intervene and address the importance of father involvement from the earliest moment possible.

Source: report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

What men and women want from each other during pregnancy

Q: In all your conversations with single mothers, what is the most common theme you hear about what they wish their baby's father would have done during their pregnancy?
A: Get a suitable job, stay at home, and off the streets. Infidelity and domestic violence, which generally begin during this period, have long-term negative consequences and usually eventually lead to breakup.

Q: What about your conversations with men — what do you hear from them about pregnancy and their involvement?
A: They want these kids, respond more favorably to the news of an unplanned pregnancy, and are determined to stay involved. They are troubled by the amount of power the mothers hold over this key resource (the kid) and the lack of power they hold.

Typically, involvement falls off slowly as mothers and fathers' romantic attachment wanes, but not because of lack of interest on the father's part. Instead, maternal gate-keeping once the mother re-partners seems to be the primary cause. A secondary cause is fathers' new partnerships and parenting roles with subsequent children, which, for men with limited resources, can crowd out commitment to past children.

Source: Interview with author Kathryn Edin in report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this quote.  What does she wish the baby's father would do during her pregnancy?  In her conversations with the baby's father, in what ways does he say he wants to be involved in her pregnancy and in their child's life?  What are their current plans for him to visit and care for their child?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Father involvement after birth

Unless the baby's father is physically dangerous, consider how he might be involved in the life of your daughter's child in some way.  With your pregnant daughter, talk about three categories in which the baby's father could be involved:

1) Engagement with their child: direct interaction with their child.  For example, will the baby's father participate in caregiving tasks, such as preparing food, feeding their child, putting the child to bed, and playing with their child?
2) Availability / Accessibility: the amount of time that the father is available to the child for interaction and the amount of time that the father is accessible to the child, for example, nearby but not interacting with the child.
3) Responsibility: taking charge of meeting the child’s needs for supervision, basic welfare, and health care. 

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

If the baby's father will absolutely not be involved in the child's life, who in your family will pledge to be a substitute father?  If no one is available or able to make this commitment, would adoption into a man/woman married family be beneficial to both your daughter and her child?

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Father involvement during pregnancy is important

Children in homes without fathers are roughly five times more likely to be poor and are twice as likely to drop out of school. Conversely, children with positive father involvement have fewer behavior problems and higher levels of sociability, and perform better in school.

While you may not want the father of your daughter's child to be around, recent research suggests that father involvement during pregnancy affects multiple areas of child and family well-being, from prenatal care initiation and mother and child health outcomes, to the likelihood that the father will provide ongoing financial and emotional support (Source: Report titled "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood").

• Women with involved partners are 40% more likely to receive prenatal care in their first trimester than were those without an involved partner.
• Pregnant smokers with involved partners reduced their cigarette consumption 36% more than those whose partners were not involved.
• Fathers who were involved during the pregnancy were more likely to establish paternity at the hospital and to continue to provide emotional and economic support to their child.
• Couples with positive prenatal father involvement were more likely to be together three years after the child’s birth.
• Expectant fathers can be influential advocates for breastfeeding, playing a critical role in encouraging a mother to breastfeed the couple’s newborn infant.
• Involving the father during the pregnancy increases his understanding of his child and the mother, which may help prevent violence.

So unless the baby's father is physically dangerous, talk about whether he could be involved with your daughter's pregnancy in the following ways:

1. Can he attend a doctor visit with your daughter
2. Can he be present during an ultrasound of their child
3. Can he listen to their child's heartbeat
4. Can he spend time talking to their child in the womb
5. Can he discuss the progress of pregnancy with your daughter
6. Can he buy things their child will need shortly after birth

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Michael Rice, Father and Student

Watch this video of Michael Rice, father of two children and a student at Ivy Tech Community College in Indiana.  He talks about being a parent and a student, and how his priorities had to change.



Talk to your pregnant daughter about some of Michael's points:

• The responsibilities that come with being a parent mean that you have to increase the amount of work you do to be successful as a student.  He talks about how he used to just wake up and dress himself, but now as a parent he has to get the children ready for the day and then deliver them to childcare or school before he can start his own day. Then, after school, he has to get the children fed and spend time with them before he can start his own homework.  With your pregnant daughter, write out a detailed schedule of a typical day for after her child is born.  What time will she need to wake up in order to take care of her baby before heading off to school or her job?  When will she be able to study?  Would an adoption plan help her accomplish her educational goals?
• Michael says that he does not regret having children, and that being a parent made him reset his priorities.  He says that children go to the top of his priority list and everything else gets bumped down.  With your pregnant daughter, write a list of her priorities before she became pregnant.  Then write a list of her current priorities as a pregnant woman.  Then write a list of her expected priorities after her child is born.  Talk about the changes that have occurred and will occur in her priorities.  How does she feel about these changes?  What ideas can you both brainstorm to help make the transitions easier?
• Michael says that part of being a parent is establishing a firm foundation for the children: medically, financially, and how you want them raised.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about these areas.  What foundation will she be able to give them medically, financially, and in how she plans to parent?  Would an adoption plan give her child a firmer foundation than she is able to provide?
• Finally, Michael says "Your life is not over because you become a parent.  You just might have to work a little harder than you would have, and be a lot more focused, but it's not impossible."  Ask your pregnant daughter how she feels about this quote.  Is she feeling overwhelmed?  How can she break the tasks ahead of her into more manageable tasks?  

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Completing School" and “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!  

Real Story: Rosemary Newman's Death

Rosemary was 18 years old and would be giving birth to her daughter in a few days.  The baby's father was no longer in her life.  But then he suddenly invited her out to dinner, and she never came home from that date.  Rosemary's former boyfriend didn't want to be a father, so he and his new girlfriend strangled and beat Rosemary to death.

Parents, talk to your pregnant daughter about this story.  Be cautious if her baby's father shows up again suddenly after getting out of her life.  Be cautious if her baby's father has indicated that he doesn't want to be a father.  If the baby's father has made any threats against your daughter or the baby, talk to the police or to a lawyer about getting a restraining order against him.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Importance of a Father

The secret heartache caused by broken families and father failure is frequently laid bare by the tabloids covering the lives of pop stars. Emptiness caused by divorce and absent or abusive fathers has been the catalyst for the ruin of many of Hollywood’s darlings. 

Hännah Schellhase, National Fatherhood Initiative's Development Specialist, wrote a great blog entry recently, titled "Fathers, be good to your daughters".  Go read the whole post and talk it over with your pregnant daughter.

Hannah writes, "John Mayer’s song "Daughters" won the 2005 Grammy for Song of the Year. The lyrics carry a rebuke to fathers for how they treat their daughters because of the profound influence a father’s actions have on the psyche of a daughter. Mayer has captured the cyclical nightmare that is created when a girl is mistreated or abandoned by her father. “Daughters” describes the emotional confusion daughters feel when their fathers are absent or uninvolved, either physically or emotionally.

A woman’s definition of her self-worth and the nature of love is often formed by early impressions of her father’s relationship to both her and her mother. Without a healthy family framework to define these things for her, a girl is often left scrambling to piece together meaning for herself, and has to work through significant emotional barriers in order to commit to a loving relationship or a healthy lifestyle for herself.  Taylor Swift’s new song "Mine" captures this struggle perfectly—learning to trust and love is an incredibly difficult thing for a daughter to learn if her father hasn’t modeled these things well.

Teen star Lindsay Lohan fell into drugs and alcohol and has ruined her career with courtroom scandals and immature behavior. Her mother is always at her side at court hearings—but where is her father? Michael Lohan spent Lindsay’s childhood years in and out of jail and in highly publicized affairs, finally divorcing her mother Dina in 2007. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but Lindsay’s first DUI was also that same year. Fathers, be good to your daughters.

R&B singer Chris Brown nearly ruined his career when his girlfriend, pop artist Rihanna, appeared in public with bruises in 2009. It turned out that Chris had beaten Rihanna several times during arguments, and he was later given a restraining order and five years of parole. Many fans were disgusted with his behavior—hitting a woman is despicable.  However, a father’s behavior is often shown to be a predictor of the behavior of his children, and Brown had spoken many times before the incident about how traumatized he had been by how his stepfather abused his mom. Brown grew up in a home where his mom was regularly beaten and verbally abused—and like most children, Brown later learned that it’s nearly impossible to break free from the cycle of "loving" like your family "loved."

Mayer’s song says “So fathers, be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do,” but sons learn how to treat women from their fathers—sons will love like their fathers do.  If more dads were dedicated to being involved, if more dads were careful with how they loved their daughters, there would be so much less heartbreak as children try to enter adulthood without any idea of what real commitment, unconditional love, or an unbroken family looks like. There would be less need for songs like P!nk’s "Perfect" or Bruno Mars' "Just the Way  You Are", as the women in these songs might have had the chance to understand their worth and beauty from the affirmations of a caring father.

 So read this article to your pregnant daughter.  Who will be the father figure for her child?  How will her son learn about how to to treat women by watching a string of boyfriends that your daughter dates?  How will her daughter learn self-worth without a father figure?  If your pregnant daughter is not going to marry her child's father, please talk to her about seriously considering an adoption plan so that her child can have a stable mother and father.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "The Importance of a Father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Men Impacted by Coercion

Men are hurt by coerced and unwanted abortions too. Here is one man’s story:

For every woman who has had an abortion a man has been involved. For me it was two abortions.  My story begins at 16 when I heard that first “I’m pregnant” from my girlfriend. I can remember being scared and a little confused about how it all happened. I asked all of the questions like, “I thought you were protected,” and anything else I could think of to say rather than taking responsibility for my actions.

I can remember when the phone call came to my parents. My feelings of being scared and confused changed to terrified and ashamed. I don’t know how much time passed from the phone call until my parents came to talk with me, but it felt like an eternity. I remember putting on my headphones with the music cranked up, not wanting to face the consequences of my actions as my parents were trying to talk to me. I wanted it all to go away.

I’m sure my parents were just as scared and that thoughts of “what’s next” were running through their minds. Both sets of parents got involved, and it ended with the untimely death of Jonathan Michael, who would now be 30-plus years old and doing something I never gave him the chance to do.

I don’t remember thinking a whole lot about the abortion. In my busy, important life as a teenager, sex, drugs, and rock and roll took over with a steady diet of Pink Floyd and others. It didn’t take long for this life-style to catch up with me; I got myself in the same situation with another girlfriend.

I remember thinking, “Okay, this time I will be a man and take care of this baby. I know I’m only 17, but I’ll be 18 real soon and out of high school. I know I can work hard and make it work out this time.”

When we had the sit-down talk with my girlfriend’s dad, he proceeded to tell me I wasn’t ready for the responsibility of raising a child. After all, I was still in high school and I had no job stability. He continued for some time, but all I heard after that was, “You are not good enough; you’re a loser. What kind of idiot would get my daughter pregnant anyway? I can’t believe I even let my daughter go out with you the way you look, you long-haired loser.”

The result of that conversation was the decision by her parents for the abortion of Zachary Allen, who would be following his older brother’s lead in the life I didn’t fight for. That day ripped my gut out and closed my heart.

My role in two abortions has been long-lasting. I can tell you that the mental and emotional effects on a man are real and devastating. I really don’t let anyone get close to me because I don’t want to let them down. I’ve had a divorce, no current relationship with my two living sons, countless unfinished projects, and several jobs left before true success–mainly because I never felt I deserved it.

Where am I today? After hearing a woman’s personal story in our church of how abortion affected her, I felt like a hammer hit me between the eyes. I knew then it was time to start dealing with my past. Jesus Christ has forgiven my past and continues to strengthen me. I know that there is NO future looking in my rearview mirror and nothing in my past that I can change. My wife had nothing to do with my past, but she wants the best for our future and to fight and save as many untimely deaths as we can together. Her support has been immeasurable in the healing process.

 You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Understanding Child Support

All parents are legally responsible to support their children. Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) notes that child support must continue until one of these conditions is met:

• the child reaches the age of majority
• the child enters active military duty
• the child is declared emancipated by a court
• the parents' rights are terminated (for example, during an adoption process)

Your pregnant daughter and the baby's father might meet the child support requirements by one parent being the primary caretaker and the other parent paying monthly child support payments.

Each State has its own formula for calculating child support payments and often takes the following into consideration:

• how much time each parent spends caring for the child
• each parent's income and living expenses
• each parent's ability to earn income
• each parent's eligibility for welfare benefits
• the number and ages of children each parent is responsible for
• the ability of the parent to pay child support

Money received as child support payments is income-tax-free to the recipient.

All States specifically prohibit parents from withholding visitation just because the other parent owes child support money.

For your pregnant daughter to receive child support payments from the baby's father, the child must be born and then she must go to court to get a court order. This will definitely need a lawyer's involvement.

Once there is a court order, there will still be the battle of actually collecting the payments. Zemmelman notes that "On average, fathers paid between two-thirds and three-fourths of the awarded support, but their compliance with support orders fell off over time." In other words, many fathers don't pay the full amount they are ordered to pay, and they tend to pay even less (or stop making payments) as the child grows older. Zemmelman notes that the best way to improve the chance of receiving child support payments is for the father to be actively and consistently involved in the child's life. Research shows that fathers tend to "continue paying child support when they had regular and frequent visits" with their children and that the less involved with the child the less likely they were to keep paying support.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Teaching manliness to sons

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."

Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.

Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.

Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?

As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Five Myths on Fathers and Family

The National Review recently ran an article titled "Five Myths on Fathers and Family" by W. Bradford Wilcox (a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia). Here are a few interesting tidbits from that article.

1) The 'Mr. Mom' Surge is a myth. America has 22.5 million married familes with children under the age of 15. Less than 1% of these had a stay-at-home dad in 2008, but 24% had a stay-at-home mom.

What does your single-and-pregnant daughter envision for her role as mother? Does she desire to be a stay-at-home mom?

2) Myth: Women want everything 50/50. While married mothers do want fathers to contribute to housework and childcare, most do not insist on 50/50 because they count his full-time job as a contribution to the household. "A 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20% of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72% of fathers with children under 18."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter desire to work full-time, or would she prefer to work only part-time or not at all? If the baby's father will be involved in raising their child, what expectations does she have about his contributions to childcare and support? Does the baby's father desire to work full time?

3) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper. "Experts now estimate that about 40% of American children will spend some time in a cohabiting household, either because they are born into such a household or because one of their parents cohabits after a breakup. ... On average, cohabiting fathers do not compare with married fathers. As Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland and Kermyt Anderson of the University of Oklahoma found in a recent study, married fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their children than are cohabiting fathers. In fact, from their research, they conclude 'that marriage per se confers advantage in terms of father involvement above and beyond the characteristics of the fathers themselves.' Married fathers are also much more likely than their cohabiting peers to stick around. One recent study by Wendy Manning at Bowling Green State and Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan found that 50% of children born to cohabiting parents saw their parents break up by age five; by comparison, only 15% of children born to married parents saw their parents divorce by age five. Dad is much more likely to stick around if he has a wedding ring on his finger."

Paul Amato's research summarizes results that cohabiting parents tend to "have less education, earn less income, report poorer relationship quality, and experience more mental health problems" than parents who are married.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about this research. Does she want her child's father to stick around? If so, what is keeping them from getting married?

4) Myth: Divorce doesn't hurt children; single-parenting doesn't hurt children. "According to research by Sara McLanahan of Princeton University and Paul Amato of Penn State, girls whose parents divorce are about twice as likely to drop out of high school, to become pregnant as teenagers, and to suffer from psychological problems such as depression and thoughts of suicide. Girls whose parents divorce are also much more likely to divorce later in life."

In Amato's article in "The Future of Children", he points out that children born to single parents "reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, and are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression" than children raised in a two-parent family.

Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur "found that 31% of youth with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared with 37% of youth born outside marriage," compared to 13% of youth whose parents were continuously married. "Similarly, 33% of daughters with divorced parents had a teen birth, compared to 37% of daughters born outside marriage" and 11% of daughters with continuously married parents. "Other studies that have compared offspring in these two groups yield similar results with respect to occupational attainment, earned income, depression, and the risk of seeing one's own marriage end in divorce."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? or at all? A father-figure is very important in the development of children. The statistics above indicate that children with married parents are less likely to have problems. They also indicate that children do a little better in a divorced family than in a single-parent family. What does your daughter think about these statistics? Do they encourage her to get married or to examine an adoption plan so her child can be raised by married parents?

5) Myth: Dads are dispensable. "Children typically do better in an intact, married families with their fathers than they do in families headed by single mothers."

"Fathers bring distinctive talents to the parenting enterprise. The work of psychologist Ross Parke, for instance, indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to engage their children in vigorous physical play (e.g., roughhousing), to challenge their children — including their daughters — to embrace life’s challenges, and to be firm disciplinarians."

"Not surprisingly, children benefit from being exposed to the distinctive paternal style. Sociologist David Eggebeen has shown, for instance, that teenagers are significantly less likely to suffer from depression and delinquency when they have involved and affectionate fathers, even after controlling for the quality of their relationship with their mother. In his words, “What these analyses clearly show is that mothers and fathers both make vital contributions to adolescent well-being.”"

"Linda Carroll at MSNBC has written an incisive story showing that involved and affectionate fathers play a crucial role in steering their daughters away from early sexual activity; in fact, it turns out that dads are more important than moms in protecting their teenage daughters from early sex."

Who will play the role of father-figure for your daughter's child? If no one is able or willing to make this commitment, she should consider making an adoption plan that involves a married couple.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Father facts

Father Facts 5 from the National Fatherhood Initiative lists these items as some relevant facts about the importance of fathers:

In America, 24.35 million children (33.5 percent) live absent their biological father.
Source: Krieder, Rose M. and Jason Fields. Living Arrangements of Children: 2001. Current Population Reports, P70-104. Table 1. Washington, D.C.: US Census Bureau, 2005.

Child Abuse: Using data from 1000 students tracked from seventh or eighth grade in 1988 through high school in 1992, researchers determined that only 3.2 percent of the boys and girls who were raised with both biological parents had a history of maltreatment. However, a full 18.6 percent of those in other family situations had been maltreated.
Source: Smith, Carolyn and Terence P. Thornberry. “The Relationship Between Childhood Maltreatment and Adolescent Involvement inDelinquency.” Criminology, 33 (1995): 451-479.

Poverty: In 1997, 65% of poor children lived in households that did not include their biological fathers, compared to 25% of children who were not poor.
Source: Feeley, Theresa J. “Low Income Noncustodial Fathers: A Child Advocate’s Guide to Helping Them Contribute to the Support of Their Children.” National Association of Child Advocates Issue Brief, National Association of Child Advocates, Washington, D.C., February, 2000.

Education: A study of 1,330 children from the Panel Survey of Income Dynamics showed that fathers who are involved on a personal level with their child’s schooling increases the likelihood of their child’s achievement. When fathers assume a positive role in their child’s education, students feel a positive impact.
Source: McBride, Brent A., Sarah K. Schoppe-Sullivan, and Moon-Ho Ho. “The mediating role of fathers’ school involvement on student achievement.” Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology 26 (2005): 201-216.

Crime: Children raised in single-parent families and surrounded by children of single-parent families at school are at the greatest risk of delinquency.
Source: Anderson, Amy L. “Individual and contextual influences on delinquency: the role of the single-parent family.” Journal of CriminalJustice, 30 (November 2002): 575-587.

Emotional and Behavioral Problems: A study using a nationally representative sample of 6,287 children ages 4-11 years old indicated that children in single-parent homes are more likely to experience emotional problems and use mental health services than children who live with both biological parents.
Source: Angel, Ronald J. and Jacqueline L. Angel. “Physical Comorbidity and Medical Care Use in Children with Emotional Problems.” Public Health Reports 111 (1996): 140-145.

Physical Health: A fathers’ body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.
Source: Finn, Kevin, Neil Johannsen, and Bonny Specker. “Factors associated with physical activity in preschool children.” The Journal of Pediatrics 140 (Jaary 2002): 81-85.

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If the baby's father will not be involved in the life of your daughter's child, who will act as father figure for that child? If no one will commit to this role, your daughter should research adoption so that her child can benefit from having a father figure. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's fahter belong in all this?", "Forgiving the baby's father", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Murder Is #1 Cause Of Death For Pregnant Women

In Maryland, murder is the number one cause of death for pregnant women, reports WJZ.com news.

The article says that the victims are typically young, single and African-American.

The perpetrator is typically the baby's father. Why does he kill his pregnant girlfriend? He is seeking to end her pregnancy.

Maryland is among the 36 states that have a law that allows prosecutors to charge the killer of a pregnant woman with two deaths: the woman, and the child she is carrying.

Talk to your single pregnant daughter about her relationship with the baby's father. Has he been strongly against her giving birth? Has he been pushing her to get an abortion? Has he threatened her? What was their relationship like before she became pregnant - was he abusive or violent even then? Ask your pregnant daughter to tell you immediately if the baby's father is threatening toward her, and then seek help from the police right away.

Marriage Readiness

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a program called "Why Knot?" which is a marriage-readiness program for men. They offer a sample session on their website. Why not print it out and go over it with both your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Modify the questions for gender pronouns as necessary. The worksheets for the session are also printable.

The sample session asks "How ready do you think you are to be married today?" and gives a scale of 0 (not ready at all) to 10 (completely ready). Print out this page and give a copy to your pregnant daughter and to the baby's father. Have them fill it out seperately and then talk about how their answers are similar and different. Part of this page is answering the question "What's keeping you from reaching a 10?". The choices they can check are questions like:

• I'm not in a serious relationship.
• I don't have the money I need to get married. (Ask how much money they think they would need, and what the money is to be used for)
• I need to get a job or a better job. (Ask how much money they feel they need to make at their job, or what benefits they are looking for from the job)
• I need to finish school or some career training. (Talk about whether being married would be an encouragement and support during this training)
• I'd like to own a house before I get married. (Ask them to project how long it may take to reach this goal)
• I don't want to be tied down. I want to enjoy the single life. (Ask what they mean by this... do they just want free sex without responsibility?)
• I like to date more than one person at a time.
• I can't see myself having sex with the same person for the rest of my life.
• I can get sex without marriage.
• I'm happy (or would be happy) just living with my girlfriend/boyfriend.
• I have some fears about marriage. (Ask if they can express those fears)
• I think marriage will require too many changes. (Ask what changes they think may be requested)
• I'm not sure I'd make a good husband/wife.
• My parents were not married, or they divorced. I want to avoid divorce. (Ask what made the divorce difficult for them)
• I want to avoid the money problems that can result from a divorce. (Ask if they think these same money problems might occur if they are not married but the relationship ends)
• I don't want to have children. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about raising their child)
• I want to have children, but I want to wait until I'm older. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about being a parent at their current age)
• I haven't met the right woman/man.
• Other:

Another worksheet in this PDF is "My Marriage Model" and reminds us that we "may be affected by the attitudes of friends, co-workers, family members, the media, previous dating partners or even your own parents. How can you separate out what you really think?" There is a little chart that ask them to rate a few factors as either a positive influence on their attitude about marriage, a neutral influence, or a negative influence. The factors are:

1) Does the media you view, read, or listen to provide a good or bad view of marriage?

2) Did you parents have a good or bad view of marriage?

3) Do you friends or co-workers have a good or bad view of marriage?

4) Have your previous girlfriends/boyfriends had a good or bad view of marriage?

5) Do you have a good or bad view of marriage?

The next worksheet of the PDF asks them to identify their fears about marriage and think about how those fears can be handled.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success" and "The importance of a father" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Priorities and Goals

The National Fatherhood Initiative has an article titled "Resolutions for All Your Roles." This makes a great discussion topic for your family meeting. If the baby's father will be involved with the baby, make him a part of this discussion too. Give each person a piece of paper and a pen.

1) Brainstorm all the roles each person plays, and write them down. For example, mother/father, husband/wife, brother/sister, employee/volunteer, student, sports team player, friend, etc.

2) Pick the five most important roles from this list.

3) Create goals for each role, for this year. See our previous post about making goals.

Example goals for mothers and fathers:

• Schedule time each week for kids
• Start or keep traditions
• Hug your kids each day
• Talk to your kids about tough stuff
• Teach your kids about money
• Be healthy together

Example goals for husbands and wives:

• Schedule a monthly date night
• Kiss your spouse every day
• Listen more
• Engage in conversation over dinner
• Help each other with taking care of the kids and household chores

Example goals for employees and students:

• Get organized
• Take the initiative on projects and assignments
• Create a plan to keep work/school in balance with family time
• Develop your leadership skills

Example goals for sons and daughters:

• Talk to your parents regularly
• Remember important family events like birthdays and anniversaries
• Plan ways to spend time with family regularly

Getting baby's father involved

A recent study suggests that "Fathers who are involved in their children's prenatal care are more likely to be around for the long haul, whether they marry the child's mother or not." So if the father of the baby is someone your family would like to keep around, take action to involve him in the activities of your daughter's pregnancy: "buying things for the baby, helping with the mother with transportation or other tasks, or being present at the birth."

If the baby's father is no longer in the picture or your family does not want him involved for any reason, who will serve as the baby's father figure in the future? Consider asking this person to start being involved right away by taking on the above activities.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" that are related to the baby's father: "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Forgiving the baby's father", "The importance of a father", "Should they marry?" and "The baby is born."