Real story: Troy Gaines

Troy Gaines grew up in Akron, Ohio, in the 1970’s. He grew up without his father.

Troy has painful memories of not receiving any direction from his dad about school, sports, or any other part of his life. He was a star running back for his middle school football team that won three championships. He felt like if he did well at football that his father would take an interest in his life. He has vivid memories of waiting for his father to show up after each of his football games, only to be
bitterly disappointed.

In his own words, he “wanted to lash out.” Troy turned to other people and things to fill the void that his father had left in his life. As a result, he had several run-ins with police, and starting in 2002 he spent a year at the Summit County Jail. At the time he went to prison, he was leaving behind his 22 year old girlfriend, Stacey, and their one week old son, Xavier. Troy recalls thinking that Xavier would feel the same way about him as he felt about his own dad.

It took a tragedy in Troy’s life for him to really turn the corner. While in prison, Troy learned that his girlfriend, Stacey, was murdered by guys that came to the house looking for drugs. Distraught from the loss of his girlfriend, Troy realized he needed help on what it means to be a man and father. He had a renewed determination to be there for his son in ways that his father was not there for him. He was committed to breaking the vicious cycle of father absence.

It was at that point that he turned to a man named Frank Williams, who was leading the InsideOut Dad™ program, which is helping inmate fathers throughout the country reconnect with their children before they are released. Troy had asked Frank for help on how to be a better man and father, and Frank was more than willing to answer that call. (Frank leads the Man2Man Fatherhood Building Program in Akron, Ohio.)

Troy knew he was in the right place when he joined the InsideOut Dad™ program and became part of a community of men that could support, encourage, and challenge each other to be better fathers, even while incarcerated. Troy remarked, “The [National] Fatherhood Initiative program [InsideOut Dad™] helped me to realize you have to make some changes in your life because what you’re doing is going to affect your boy.”

When Troy was released from prison, his first two goals were to find a job and connect with his one year old son. Now that Xavier is 8 years old, Troy is committed to helping him with homework and football, the very things he desperately wanted from his own dad. In fact, Troy tries to attend every game and practice that Xavier has. The impact of Troy’s involvement in Xavier’s life can best be seen
when talking to Xavier.

“With my dad at my games, I feel better and I care more. I love him a lot because he is a very good dad. If you make a mistake, he’ll make you keep going and going and… make you lift your head up.”

Troy knows there is a lot at stake in what type of father he is to Xavier. “Kids do exactly what they see their parents do. If I didn’t straighten up how I did, he would probably follow in my footsteps because he wanted to be like me.”

Troy tells Xavier at least five times a day that he loves him.  We can tell that Xavier knows it when he says, “My dad loves me and would do anything for me.”

Troy’s moving story is featured in a video that was released as part of the Connections Project, an initiative to train practitioners around the country on how to better serve fathers in a corrections setting. To view the video of Troy’s story, please visit www.connectionsproject.org. The Connections Project is being funded by the Bureau of Justice Assistance, a component of the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!