Blessings, trust, and fear

In a recent article called "Ten Benefts of Difficult Economic Times", authors Wes Willmer and Calvin Howe have some interesting points that are relevant to the parents of a pregnant daughter.

When you are in the midst of all the emotions of discovering that your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage, you can feel overwhelmed with negativity. So counter that negativity by being active in counting your blessings. Write down your blessings. Brainstorm to find more blessings that don't leap to mind easily. Maybe write your list on a sheet of paper that is posted in your kitchen so that you can review them regularly and even add to them when you think of a new one. America is a very rich country compared to a lot of the world. Even when things are very very tough in terms of food and material posessions, you may still have blessings that some parts of the world do not have... such as freedom to go to the church of your choice, freedom to have more than one child rather than a forced abortion, freedom to vote, etc. So rediscover the blessings you have, and express gratitude for them!

The challenge of a pregnant daughter during tougher economic times is an opportunity to trust God rather than your own resources. "God, as Creator, owns all in the created world. When our earthly resources dry up, we are reminded that we should trust God. All we have, we are managing for Him as stewards. The recession should bring us back to relying first and foremost on God, and not trusting in our own power."

Today is a day to rejoice. This is the day that the Lord has made! "While the watchword of today's world may be fear and panic, Christians can rejoice because their security is not in their bank accounts." Fear is not from God. God's perfect love will cast out fear unless you are clinging to the fear. So choose to let go of the fear and to cling to God's love for you instead.

Challenging Times

In a recent article called "Ten Benefts of Difficult Economic Times", authors Wes Willmer and Calvin Howe have some interesting points that are relevant to the parents of a pregnant daughter.

They say, "God gives us challenging times to (1) deepen our own personal faith, (2) improve our ...long-term effectiveness, and (3) focus on our call to fulfill the Great Commission of winning the world to Christ. No matter how bad our situation... God is with His people, and He provides a way for us to find joy and contentment within the circumstance in which we find ourselves."

Don't let the challenge of a daughter pregnant outside of marriage destroy your faith. Recognize this as a time to deepen your own faith. Don't cut yourself off from church, fellowship, and your personal time with God. Now is the time for more Bible study and prayer, not less. Search the Bible for verses that address the emotions you are facing. You may find it helpful to read "Daily Contentment with God" by Howard Ford, a daily devotional that shows you how the Bible has practical advice for topics like anger, fear, and depression.

Don't let the challenge of a daughter pregnant outside of marriage derail your ministry. You may be like Queen Esther ... you are going through this challenge so that you can minister to others based on what you experience now. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Your daughter's child is now a member of your responsibility in the Great Commission. God is placing this child in your family. God desires you to minister to that child, teach him/her about God, and lead that child into God's family.

A Christian woman we worked with recently told us that she was reluctantly but seriously considering abortion because she was uncertain about the future of her relationship with the baby's father and she was uncertain about the future economic situation. You may be feeling the same. Write down a reminder that God is with you. Post the reminder where you will see it. Write down a reminder that God provides a way through the challenges of life. Do not give in to the "quick and easy" abortion that destroys the child God has created. The future is always uncertain..this will never change. Matthew 6:34 reminds us "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." So take Godly actions today instead of sinful actions based on fear of the future.

Would counseling help?

You and your family are in a stressful situation when your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage! You might want to seek counsel if you are feeling anxious, or if you need help making the multitude of decisions you face, or if you are working through the grief cycle, or if your relationships are being strained by the stress of your daughter's pregnancy. You could seek counsel from a religious leader, a peer counselor, a professional counselor, or trained mentors at a pregnancy resource center.

Would counseling benefit your daughter, your family, and you? You don't need to wait until you've hit bottom before you seek counseling, and you don't need to delve into the past if you don't want to... just have a conversation about what you're experiencing right now during your daughter's pregnancy.

The above tips were adapted from "A Conversation with a Counselor" by John Van Regenmorter, in the March/April 2009 "Stepping Stones" newsletter by Bethany Christian Services.

Proudnana's story

"Proudnana" on Bukisa.com wrote her beautiful story "How to survive a teen parent" about her pregnant teen. Under the Creative Commons copyright, her story is copied here (edited for punctuation, grammar and capitalization).

----Begin Article----

When the Doctor came into the room, I was not expecting those four words to come out of his mouth. "Your Daughter is Pregnant." I was dumb founded. I just sat there. All of a sudden tears just started flowing down my face and I could not stop it. I started down memory lane. I remembered the day she was born.

I was devastated. I had all these emotions: devastation, anger, bitterness. I must of cried everyday for a long time. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Then all of a sudden I thought, "Okay she is pregnant. Its not the end of the world. She is not dying she is having a baby."

I needed support through this but no one would listen. My daughter did not want me to talk to anyone about it. But I had to. You're going to have to do the same thing. If you are going through this just tell your daughter, "Look, I have to talk to someone about this and you are gonna have to trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt you."

I finally realized that it was not my fault. My daughter did not set out to get pregnant to hurt me. I was not there when they had sex. I could not be with her 24 hours a day or 7 days a week. It was not my fault. If I knew about [it] I would have stopped it. Everyone thought it was my fault. I lost a lot of friends over this and so did my daughter. Those friends were not really our friends.

I was devstated. I thought my daughter's life was over. My husband and I really thought that our daughter was not mature enough to handle this. To us she was still a baby. She wanted to keep her baby so we talked about it and decided to let her keep him. He was hers. No matter what she would always be his Mom. I knew the change in her eyes to look for. If you are a Mom you know the look I am talking about it. I knew what to look for. So when my grandson was born, I handed him to my daughter and immediatly she had that look of a Mother. She started to count his fingers and his toes. She kissed him and just held him in her arms. At that moment I knew she was going to be fine.

I felt like sometimes I was on a roller coaster and I wanted to stop to get off but it would not stop. Everytime I thought it was going to stop it just got faster and faster. Then other days I felt as though I was on a row boat without the paddles in the middle of a sea storm with the waves crashing down on the boat. I felt all alone. Like I was the only one going through this. No one would listen to me. No matter what I said to my daughter she did not want me to talk to anyone about it.

My husband -- well he is another story. He just acted like nothing was wrong. I thought at one time I was going to have slap him to see if he was still here with me. But when our grandson was born something changed within him... it was amazing. Something wonderful was finally coming from this world of darkness. I could finally see the light. It just dawned me one day to support my daughter.

To us we had no choice but to support our daughter. We took on that responsibility the day she was born. We were parents through bad times as well as good times. Every parent is there for their kids when they get good grades or bad grades, when they scrape their knees, when they get their heart broken. Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. Yes, it's a thankless job at times. But sometimes it's a rewarding job.

Every child is a gift from God. You don't choose your parents or your children -- God does. You don't choose when your children are born, God does. I know we do stuff all the time that God does not like. But does he turn us away when we do those things. No! He loves us regardless of what we do! I have been judged for supporting my daughter. I guess everyone thought I should have sent her away to give up her child or make her get an abortion. But it was not my choice to make. I was not the one who was pregnant, she was.

You as a parent to your teen parent have to realize that your teen is scared too. She feels like she is all alone during this. She is worried that no one will accept her or appreciate the decision she has made. It takes a strong person to go through something like this. Your daughter's or my daughter's life has not ended, it is just beginning a new chapter. Her dreams or your dreams for her has not died -- she will just to have to work harder for them and she will have to take her baby along with her. It will take her longer but she will get there. Telling her that she has just ruined her life or that her life is going to change now -- that is just ruining her self esteem. She will never do anything if you keep doing that. She knows her life is going to change. She is not stupid. You raised her to be a loving, generous person so show that to her. Practice what you preach. Take it slow, one day at a time. It will get better with time.

I read a book one time called "Daughters Gone Wild Dads Gone Crazy". Get it and read it and see if your daughter will read it too. You read the part for the dad and let her read the part for the daughter. It is amazing. It taught me a lot. Rev. Charles Stone and his daughter Heather Stone wrote the book together. In that book Charles Stone says to Remain Calm. Talk to your daughter and realize that the first thing you say to your daughter during a Major problem is what she is going to remember. Act like she is not your daughter but one of her friends that has just come to you with a problem. What would say to her. It takes one day at a time to handle this situation.

---- Article finished ----
All of the emotions Proudnana describes as she discovers her daughter's pregnancy are part of the grief cycle, which we discuss in the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News". Proudnana learned who were true friends, and we discuss "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances". Proudnana's husband reacted quite differently from her, and we discuss this in "Talking with My Husband". Proudnana talks about her daughter's feelings, which relates to the chapter "What Is My Daughter Feeling?" The advice to remain calm and pay attention to the first words out of your mouth is exactly what we recommend in the chapter "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Ultrasound

Many times a pregnant teen may not know exactly how long she has been pregnant when her parents discover her pregnancy. This is especially common for younger teens.

An ultasound (or sonogram) can provide the age of the baby fairly accurately. If your OB/GYN is not able to see your pregnant daughter right away, your daughter may qualify for an ultrasound at a pregnancy resource center that provides limited medical services. Find your closest pregnancy resource centers by calling OptionLine at 800-395-HELP. Then find out if any of them offer ultrasound. Sometimes a pregnancy center that does not offer ultrasound directly at their facility can provide a referral to other resources that do offer ultrasound.

Discipline with Integrity

In his book "Character Connections", Robert Baggett has an essay titled "Discipline with Integrity" in which he says:

Before you can discipline a child, you first have to discipline yourself. Parents who scream and make irrational threats like "I'm gonna kill you!" never get much respect. Children soon learn that such parents are too lazy and, perhaps, too apathetic, to follow through on much of anything they say. Wise parents know to think carefully about the consequences they impose because enforcing those consequences will require time and energy of their own.

What did you say when you discovered that your unmarried teen or college daughter was pregnant? Did you threaten to kick her out of the house? Did you threaten other severe consequences? There is no doubt that pregnancy outside of marriage automatically creates consequences for the entire family, not just the pregnant daughter. There may be reasonable consequence that you choose to add, but take the time to think carefully about them instead of reacting from your emotion.

T.H.I.N.K. before you speak

In the crushing emotions of discovering that your daughter is pregnant, you may have said some things you now regret. The stresses of her pregnancy will give you many many more opportunities to choose your words more carefully in the coming days. The following acronym from the book "Character Connections" by Robert Baggett may be helpful to you. Before you speak, remember to THINK:

T - Is what you're about to say True?
H - Is what you're about to say Helpful?
I - Is what you're about to say Important?
N - Is what you're about to say Necessary?
K - Is what you're about to say Kind?

If not, can you reword your thoughts or put them off until another time? Maybe they shouldn't even be said, just vented into a private journal or into a prayer.

Shun? or Support?

The Chicago Tribune has an advice column called "Ask Amy". One of the recent columns was titled "Aunts feud over teen's pregnancy", which discusses the reaction that two aunts are having to a 15-year old niece's pregnancy. Emotions and reactions are almost always very strong when a teen or college student becomes pregnant.

I love what Amy says, "You and your sisters have an opportunity to mentor your niece by demonstrating the steadfastness of a strong family." The world is full of people that will be judging your entire family. Now is the time to pull together, not tear each other apart. You will each need the support of family as you cope with your daughter's pregnancy. Your family may or may not have been strong in the past. Hopefully the crisis of your daughter's pregnancy will at the very least help your family learn about supporting each other and the strength of family. You do NOT have to approve of your daughter's sexual activity in order to support her where she's at -now-. Being pregnant is not a sin in and of itself - it is how God created the female body to function. Pregnancy is a natural consequence of sexual activity. If your daughter is not married, then that sexual activity was a sin but the baby is not sinful.

In the column, Amy also says, "If you don't believe in shunning, then don't shun her." Think about this for a minute. What were your thoughts about supporting or shunning people before you discovered your single daughter was pregnant? Are you treating your daughter differently than you would treat other pregnant young women? Is sexual activity somehow different than other sins in your mind? Did you shun people for sexual activity outside marriage before your daughter became pregnant? Amy's statement reminds me of the bumper sticker that says "If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one." The sentiment behind both is similar: act out your beliefs and convictions with consistency. Don't let the fear, anger, guilt, panic and other emotions of the crisis convince you to act in a way that you would not have previously acted. If you don't believe in shunning, then don't shun. Act in a way that is consistent with your beliefs. Bring your family together to support each other, not tear each other down.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Forgiving my daughter" and "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Thankfulness

As the parent of a pregnant teen or college student, you might have asked yourself "What on earth is there to be thankful for this year?" When you are in pain or in grief, positive thoughts are less likely to leap into your head. But put your brain power into this for a few minutes...brainstorm aspects of your daughter's pregnancy you CAN be thankful for. Use this list as a jumping off point:

1. Your daughter is still living, she has not died. You are not mourning her physical death. That is something to be thankful for!
   
2. If your daughter is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
3. If your grandchild, the baby your daughter is carrying, is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
4. If your daughter is not currently be threatened or abused by the father of the baby, that is something to be thankful for!
5. If your daughter is researching her choices for this baby's life, that is something to be thankful for!
6. If your daughter has not been physically or emotionally damaged by a secret abortion, that is something to be thankful for!
   
7. What can you add to this list, if you brainstorm?
   

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where Will We Be in a Year?", "Where is God in All of This?", "Beauty from Ashes", and "Our Hope for the Next Five Years" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"

Mom is Hurt and Angry

A recent advice column titled "Help! My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant" by By Dr. Gail Saltz, TODAYShow.com contributor, gave a good overall response to the upset parent. The mother of the teen who has fathered a child with his girlfriend is hurt, crying, and angry. She appears to feel that his girlfriend got pregnant intentionally in order to get married. This hurting mother is very clearly in a grief cycle. Dr. Saltz says, "Your feelings are partly a manifestation of dashed hopes and dreams for your [child's] future." This is how parents on both sides of the situation may feel. You are in a grief cycle, but don't allow yourself to get stuck there!

Dr. Saltz continues, "But what’s done is done. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to berate your son or being cool toward his girlfriend. All you will do is drive him further away. ... Expressing your concern about the future is fine, but expressing hurt, anger and disapproval toward your son and his girlfriend will not get you anywhere. If you continue with such an adversarial position, you might end up with a son who hates you and a grandchild you never see." Find a safe friend, a pastor, or a counselor to whom you can vent your hurt, anger, and disapproval. When talking with your pregnant daughter or the baby's father, focus on problem solving and skills training, not on blaming and berating. Dr. Saltz recommends, "You can be kind, supportive and forgiving to your son [or daughter] at the same time you make it clear that he made a bad decision and must now deal with the consequences."

The mother in the advice column has a younger daughter, and she wants to give this younger daughter a very strong message. You may have children that are younger siblings to your pregnant daughter too. Dr. Saltz says, "I do agree with you that it will be important to make it clear to your young daughter why this was a poor choice on her brother's part and the ways this will make life difficult. .... You do not need to ostracize her brother and girlfriend to make this message clear."

"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can do your best in teaching your kids to make better choices, but you can’t control every choice they make. When they make a bad one, it's best to make your disagreement clear, but also to maintain an open door rather than cutting them off." You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" which has lots of tips on how to cope with this crisis.

Infant abandonment

The Buffalo News recently ran an article titled "Mother charged with killing infant daughter kept pregnancy a secret, police say". This article tells a small piece of the story of 19-year-old college student Alicia Zebrun who apparently hid her pregnancy from her family, gave birth alone at home, then put her newborn daughter into a shoe box where she died. According to a quote in the article, this type of incident happens about once per day in the U.S. This sort of situation is also the basis for the "Safe-Haven Laws" that all 50 states have where a newborn can be left at a specific location. See the National Safe Haven Alliance for more information about these laws and the details for your state. There has also been a recent set of articles about parents abandoning their older kids at Safe Haven locations.

Like pregnancy in teens and college students, there is no perfect stereotype for women who hide their pregnancy and then leave their child to die: any socio-economic group can be represented. In this article, neighbors said Alicia was a good kid and the children in the Zebrun family had a strong upbringing by "excellent parents" who were strict. Neighbors believe Alicia's mother and step-father would have helped her with the pregnancy and baby becuase they were "all about kids."

So why do some women do this?
One commentator in the article guesses that "For whatever reason, they were extremely frightened. They may have felt fearful about disclosing the pregnancy for whatever reason. We don’t know."

Another commentator in the article says "The girls and young women who kill or abandon their newborns generally are deeply ashamed and often refuse to acknowledge their pregnancies 'until the very end when it’s undeniable,' he said. Faced with a baby they don’t want, they do the unthinkable. 'They’re not thinking,' Kaye said. 'They’re acting.' "

So what can we do?
Kaye believes the only way to stop it is for parents and communities to be more involved with their daughters. He pointed out one case in which a girl said she hid her pregnancy from her family and ended up killing her baby because her father had told her he’d kill her if she ever came home pregnant. “The father broke down in tears,” Kaye said. “ ‘This is my fault . . . I didn’t mean it. But I actually said it,’ ” he recounted. “The community needs to say this is an example of us failing our kids,” Kaye said. “We need to do a better as a community rather than skapegoating this girl.”

Talk to all your children about this story. Tell them that while you will probably be angry or upset to learn they were pregnant (or were drinking or using drugs), that you would prefer that your kids talked to you instead of keeping a secret. You may have said something in the past such as "If you ever come home pregnant, I'll (kill you, kick you out of the house, etc.)." Do you really mean this? Would you really murder your own child? Or are you simply trying to express that you would be hurt, disappointed, and angry for a while? If you've ever said an extreme statement like this, tell your kids that you don't mean it and then tell them what you really mean instead. Tell your kids that you love them even when they make mistakes with serious consequences. Tell your kids that you want to help them when they have a problem, even if the news of the problem may be hard to hear. Be involved in your kids' lives so much that you would NOTICE if your daughter was pregnant. Brainstorm ways you can be involved in their lives without going to extremes. There is a balance in there somewhere so that you are neither a clueless parent nor an invasive parent.

In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", the chapter titled "First Steps" list three things you need to do as soon as you discover your teen or college student daughter is pregnant. First, get her the medical attention she needs, and then find her the emotional support she needs. For example, help your pregnant daughter get parenting classes and help her learn about stress management. Your local pregnancy help center may be able to offer your family these classes, and may also have peer support sessions and group sessions to help your pregnant daughter cope with the changes that are coming into her life.

Waiting for the punch line

An Associated Press news article recently reported Lynne Spears (mother of Britney Spears and Jamie Lynn Spears) told the "Today" show how she discovered that Jamie Lynn was pregnant. Apparently, Jamie Lynn wrote her mother a note and asked her to read it alone in her bedroom.

Lynne Spears says her first reaction was shock, that she was "waiting for the punch line." This is a very common response, and is the normal start of a grief cycle. Lynne Spears that once she processed the shock for a minute, she started to cry.

"Lynne Spears said she blames herself for what happened. 'As a mother, don't we always blame ourselves? I mean, we're the first one that's gonna take the blame,' she said. 'We never get the credit, but we always question ourselves and say, `What did I do? We had this talk just a month ago.' I mean, I had no idea. I took a lot of the blame. I took all the blame.'"

How did your daughter tell you she was pregnant? If she didn't tell you, how did you discover the pregnancy? Was your first reaction also shock? Do you have the common thoughts that you are to blame, that you are a failure as a parent? When you hear news like this, take time to think before you react or take action. You are not alone in this situation. Get help and resources, take time to research all the options. Talk and pray a lot before you take any action.

Managing Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Managing Anger". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

Anger is a very common emotional reaction in a family that learns that their single daughter (sister) is pregnant. As we've discussed on many occassions, anger is a normal part of the grief cycle. Your family is grieving many things related to a unmarried daughter's pregnancy. Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger. But DO learn how to express is appropriately, and how to manage anger so that it is not overwhelming. Anger should not control your actions or your decisions.

The lesson has a great worksheet to help people learn about their anger style. Print out a copy for each person, and have them score each of the questions. This is a copy of the questions on the anger survey:

1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way.
2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry with them.
3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to their face.
4. I disagree with others without attacking them on a personal level or becoming defensive.
5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems cannot be resolved.
6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry.
7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing my anger.
9. I have a tendency to be depressed or moody.
10. I look for mutually agreeable solutions when people disagree with me.
11. I politely, but firmly tell others when I am angry.
12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry.
13. I suppress my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or overeating.
14. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
15. I take some time to calm down before talking with others about disagreements.
16. I try not to let my anger show.
17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make people look bad or feel bad.
18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something.
19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something.
20. When I am angry I become silent, to make it obvious that I am unhappy.

Before you discuss your scores, talk about the main points of the lesson:

• Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.
• It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger.
• Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people experience it more intensely and more often than other people.
• Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.
• Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.
• Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.
• When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.
• Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.

Talk with your family about anger: Can anger result in something good happening? If so, give an example. Give an example of something bad that can happen when someone expresses anger.

Tally up each person's response to the anger survey, using the Key in the lesson. What is each person's current method of handling anger? Read the descriptions of each anger management style from the lesson. How has each person demonstrated their anger style during the stress of your daughter's pregnancy so far?

Anger management Style A - Open Agression: Using physical or verbal force to respond to a situation that makes you angry. Open aggression often leads to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving.

Style B - Suppressed Anger: Pretending that you are not angry, stuffing your anger and hoping it will go away. People who have this style of anger management may develop headaches,
ulcers, stomachaches, or other physical illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving.

Style C - Passive Aggressive: Showing anger in indirect ways, such as pouting, refusing to talk, slamming doors, stomping feet, sarcasm, and gossiping. These responses often lead to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving instead.

Style D - Assertive Problem Solving: First, be aware that you are angry. Express your anger in an honest and polite way. Confront people without making personal attacks. Don't become defensive. Brainstorm solutions to the problem that would be mutually acceptable. Release your angry feelings and forgive, let go of grudges and bitterness.

Assertive Problem Solving can be remembered by the acrostic ACTS:

A - Be AWARE of your anger. How does your body react when you start to get angry? Pay attention to how your body is feeling.

C - CONTROL your response. Think before you act. What reponse choices are available? What are the pros and cons of each? What solutions are available? What are the pros and cons of each solution? Your goal is to meet your needs without hindering the needs of others.

T - TALK about the problem in a calm, polite and assertive way. Talk about differences without using personal attacks and without becoming defensive. Use the "WIN" method of confrontation: "When...(something happens)", "I feel...". "I NEED/want...(particular action to happen)." For example, "When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.”

S - SOLVE the problem in a mutually acceptable way. If the situation is not solvable, then you have three choices:

1) Change your way of thinking about the event. So, in relation to your daughter's pregnancy, you might need to change your way of thinking about her pregnancy. She is carrying your grandchild, not just some blob of tissue. As difficult as life may become going forward, this child, your grandchild, will also be a blessing. Your daughter can't become un-pregnant. Abortion will not change the fact that she was pregnant. It will simply make her the mother of a dead child, and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild. So change your way of thinking about her pregnancy.

2) Get help and counseling. You can find resources and counseling for your pregnant daughter and maybe other family members at your local pregnancy help center, your church, private counselors, social services, charities, and your friends and family. Reach out to your support network and brainstorm positive solutions to the challenges your family faces. Avoid courses of action that will hurt and damage each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a time to pull together, not to tear each other down and destroy the family.

3) Withdraw from the situation. If you or your family member(s) are at risk of being physically abused by someone's anger, get help to escape from harm. If you feel angry enough to hurt someone, leave until you have calmed down. Avoid alcohol and drugs when you are angry - they can help you to act violently or in aggressive ways that are harmful to yourself and others.

I need help!

We often get asked general questions from our readers, such as "How should I respond to my pregnant daughter?", "Help! Our daughter is pregnant," "Christian parents with a pregnant teen," "Advice? Teen daughter pregnant," "Daughter is single and pregnant," "Please help, my daughter is pregnant," "Parents dealing with daughter's pregnancy," "Spiritual advice for parents of a pregnant teen," "First words to say to pregnant Christian daughter?" "Christian response to a pregnant teen," "Help me cope with my daughter's pregnancy," "Advice for mothers with young pregnant daughter?", "What to do when your teen gets pregnant?"

Answering these kinds of questions is exactly why we wrote the book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" and exactly why we write this blog.

Here are 10 important points for the parents of a pregnant single:

1. Assure your daughter of your unconditional love and concern.
2. Get your daughter to a supportive pro-life doctor as soon as possible.
3. Provide a peaceful environment.
4. Research and talk about all her current healthy options: Marriage, single parenting, choosing a family to adopt her child.
5. Help your pregnant daughter look to her future in 5 and 10 years.
6. Let her know you value education.
7. Clearly state in what ways you are willing to be involved in her life and the life of her child.
8. Live out your values clearly and consistently.
9. Stay connected to your spouse, other children, family and friends.
10. Grow spiritually yourself by staying involved in church life.

How does teen pregnancy impact the family?

In the swirl of commentary on Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's announcement that her 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant, we received a phone call from a reporter at a paper in New York. One main question they asked is, "what is the psychological impact of teen pregnancy on the family?"

The core answer is that a surprise teen pregnancy can cause each member of the family to begin working through their own grief cycle.

When the pregnancy is discovered, there is first shock and denial. Parents of a pregnant teen may feel stunned, especially if they are also learning that their daughter has been sexually active. Siblings of the pregnant teen also may feel shock. Everyone may feel like they don't know this person they thought they knew. It can be hard to accept a mental image of a loved one that is different than the image currently held. They may think to themselves, "Who is this person? Who are you and what have you done with my daughter/sister?" or "Are you sure you're pregnant? This can't be true. This can't be happening."

Once the family members accept the fact that the pregnancy is real, the next step of the grief cycle is anger. Everyone may feel anger at the baby's father, blaming him for the pregnancy. Fathers may feel anger at themselves, feeling that they did not protect their daughter. Parents may feel anger at themselves, saying "What did I do wrong?" Parents may start blaming each other, "If only you had..." Siblings of the pregnant young woman may feel anger that her pregnancy is causing them social embarassment or that the situation is soaking up so much time and attention. Anger can have symptoms in the physical health of the entire family: headaches, abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, irritability, impatience, heart problems, relationship problems, sleep disorders, uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, and compulsive behaviors. Siblings of a pregnant daughter may act out in their anger, creating new a crisis for the family to handle.

The next steps of the grief cycle are bargaining and depression. In bargaining, you may hear family members say "If you help me through this, I'll never let it happen again." In depression, family members may feel that there are no acceptable solutions to even the smallest challenge. You may wonder how you'll live through it all.

Each family member will walk through these steps at their own pace. It is very likely that everyone will revisit previous phases of the grief cycle several times. If a person doesn't get stuck somewhere in the above phases, they eventually move toward acceptance. Acceptance and resolution is measured by acknowledging that past decisions can't be erased, accurately taking responsibility for contributing factors (in other words, neither accepting too much blame nor denying all blame) and finding constructive ways to solve challenges, forgive, heal, learn new coping skills, and grow stronger rather than be destroyed.

If you analyze some of the commentary out there about the Palin family, you may notice that reactions of the people fit in with a grief cycle phase too: some are in shock that the Palins could have a pregnant daughter; others are angry at the Palins; others are depressed that Sarah Palin is the presumptive VP, given her family's situation. It will be interesting to watch as people continue to process their feelings about this one family's situation in the days and months to come.

The family of a pregnant teen or college student likely needs the opportunity to receive individual and family counseling to hash out their anger and depression in order to move to acceptance and resolution. If there is a pregnancy help center near you, see what services they can offer your family. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", particularly the chapter titled "Hearing the Shocking News" which describes the grief cycle.

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

"Seven Steps to Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

The following is a summary/outline of the points made by guest R.T. Kendall on the Focus On The Family radio program "Finding True Forgiveness."

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What Forgiveness is Not

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

There may be a lot of people you need to forgive when your single daughter is pregnant. You may need to forgive your daughter, the baby's father, his family, your friends and family for the way they react, yourself, and others.

How can we apply these steps to forgiveness to a Christian daughter who is single and pregnant?

1. "Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you." Okay, pregnancy is going to be obvious at some point, and this sentiment is not a support of abortion. To apply this one, let's instead focus on perhaps not complaining to everyone about how much your daughter embarrassed you, hurt you, angered you, or shamed you. How about not complaining to everyone about your daughter's character, or the character of the baby's father? If you really need to vent your frustrations, pick a mature, trustworthy person such as a counselor or pastor who will not gossip about what you share.

2. "Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you." Is your anger at your daughter a scary thing? Was she afraid to tell you she was pregnant because she guessed your reaction would be intimidating? Do you need to apologize to her for the way you've acted since discovering her pregnancy?

3. "Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty." Your daughter may feel guilty about her sexual activity. If she willingly participated, this guilt could be the Holy Spirit prompting her that she has sinned and needs to confess. Once she has repented and asked forgiveness, guilty feelings may be unhealthy (meaning that they are no longer pointing out the need for confession). Corrie ten Boom used to talk about God's forgiveness by saying that He placed our sins at the bottom of the ocean and then put up a buoy with a sign that says "No Fishing." If your daughter has repented, don't keep bringing up her sin. Don't fish. Leave it alone.

4. "Let them save face." Ask your daughter what this would mean to her. Does it mean that she wants to tell people about the pregnancy instead of you doing it? Or does it mean she wants you to tell people instead of her doing it? Does it mean she would like to live with a relative during the pregnancy? What would 'saving face' mean to her in this situation? Are any of her ideas for this realistic possibilities? If they are possible, pray and talk about making them happen.

5. "Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear." Talk with your daughter about this. What is her greatest fear about being single and pregnant? What is her darkest secret about this pregnancy? Brainstorm together about what kind of protection can be offered. For example, if she is in an abusive relationship is she afraid for her safety and the safety of her baby?

6. "It is a lifelong commitment." Forgiving your daughter for a particular thing may take a lifetime of upkeep on your part. You may have unforgiving thoughts and feelings resurface that you must choose to deal with again. You may have to repeatedly choose not to "fish" around and bring up her past sins that you say you have forgiven. Perhaps she will make the same mistake again in the future and you will have to choose whether or not to berate her for her past mistakes again.

7. "Pray for them to be blessed." When you are in the midst of anger and pain, this kind of prayer can seem impossible. You may not feel like your daughter deserves blessing because of the things she has chosen to do. You certainly do not have to pray that her sin be blessed, because sin cannot be blessed. However, the consequences of sin can prompt someone to repent and turn their life around. This in itself may be a blessing to the person whose life is changed. Repentance and a changed life can open the door to other blessings, and that is hopefully something you can pray for your daughter to receive.

Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must approve of her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. You can love your daughter and hate her actions. Forgiving your daughter does not mean you must excuse her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must pardon her willing actions: there may be consequences she needs to face, possibly even punishments depending on the situation. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must reconcile your relationship with her. For reconciliation to occur, you both have to be trustworthy people. You can forgive her even if she is not yet trustworthy for a relationship.

For more about forgiveness when your single daughter is pregnant, read the chapters in our book ("How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy") titled "Forgiving the Baby's Father," "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents," "Forgiving Myself," "Forgiving My Daughter," and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances."

The Grief Cycle, continued

Eventually your journey through the grief cycle takes you to the phase of acceptance. This is where you stop trying to change your daughter, where you release her into God's hands. Only Jesus can be her savior, through the work of the Holy Spirit, and we have to get out of His way. Journal your list of fears, hopes, and dreams about your daughter, her life, and your grandchild. Then pray through the list, offering each item to God and purposefully leaving them at the Cross. Ask God for the courage and strength to keep your hands off these items, allowing God to work. Ask God to increase your capacity to trust Him. Ask God to increase your faith in His timing. You probably will not be perfect at this process of release and trust! You may find that you have re-engaged in the turmoil and need to start a fresh cycle of journaling and prayer. God knows that you are not perfect yet calls you to keep working the journey. So don't give up when you face discouragement.

Acceptance and release are not the same as abandonment and neglect, so don't swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and simply wash your hands of your daughter. Pray for God to show you what actions you should take. Pray for wisdom about how to distinguish tough love from abandonment and neglect. Seek Godly counsel, and the support of mature Christians. Your daughter is a valuable and unique creation by God, with inherant value. God chose you to be her parent. Your relationship with your daughter and her child, your grandchild, will change over your whole life, just as it has to date as your daughter grew from infant to young adult. You can only control your response to her. You have never been able to control her response to you. She may decide to abandon you for a time, like the prodigal son. She may decide to walk a tough road before returning to God's path for her life. Nothing comes as a surprise to God...He knows us better than we know ourselves because He created us and loved us even while we were yet sinners.

God promises in Romans 8:28 that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So we know that God is able and willing to take these painful experiences and use them to benefit us. Pray for patience while you wait to see how God will work in your lives. God wants to heal us and help us to become more like Him. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (NIV) It may be that in the future, God will ask you to help other parents through a similar situation by sharing your experiences and God's comfort. What comfort have you received from God recently? Share with us in the comments.

The Grief Cycle

Yes! The grief cycle applies to YOU, the parent of a single daughter who is pregnant! The grief cycle most likely also applies to your daughter. You are both facing real and perceived losses. Journal about the things you feel loss about in this situation. Have your daughter do the same, and talk about your lists together.

When you heard the news that your daughter was pregnant, you may have felt shock and pain. These are the beginning stages of the grief cycle. We each experience grief differently, but the phases of the cycle apply to us all. We each need to study how we feel and act during painful events so that we can learn to respond instead of react.

When discovering that their daughter is pregnant, some parents feel a strange sense that their daughter has died. The realities of her situation do not mesh up to their mental picture of their daughter, and they struggle to reconcile these two perceived versions of their daughter. Perhaps the mental image of their daughter seems dead as compared to the physical loved one in front of them. Sometimes parents feel that they no longer know who their daughter is.

Parents may also feel that the hopes and dreams they had for their daughter have died because she is pregnant. Hopefully you can come to see that almost all the hopes and dreams you had for your daughter can still be achieved after the detour of pregnancy. Your daughter's pregnancy is not the end of the world, and your daughter has not physically died, nor has your grandchild that she is carrying.

The grief cycle starts with denial or disbelief, and these reactions can be very strong. It is likely that your daughter has already dealt with denial to some degree and had to overcome it in order to admit to herself and to you that she is indeed pregnant. So your daughter may be slightly ahead of you in her own grief cycle. Do not give in to the temptation to ignore or minimize the situation. You must process your feelings so that you can move forward...there are many decisions to think and pray about! Denial of your daughter's pregnancy will not make the situation go away. Abortion sometimes seems like a way to deny that your daughter is pregnant. However, your daughter is now a mother, you are now a grandparent, and the question is will she be the mother of a dead child and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild, or of a living one?

The next phases of the grief cycle are anger, depression, and bargaining. These too can be very strong emotions. You may feel anger at your daughter, at the father of your grandchild, at your spouse, at your family, yourself, and the world in general. Depression has been defined by some as "anger turned inward over a period of time". Pay attention to your thoughts and physical feelings. Watch for symptoms of depression in yourself, your family, and your pregnant daughter. Watch for symptoms of prolonged anger (headaches, stomach pain, heart problems, etc.) in yourself, your family, and your daughter. Seek the help that you and your family need. Examine yourself to see if you are avoiding or suppressing the pain you feel... it usually does not go away but will simply surface in other aspects of your life. Chapter 1 "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" talks more about the grief cycle and offers exercises to help you examine your emotions.

Share with us by commenting: where do you think you are in the grief cycle right now?

Finding Support for Your Family

You probably feel pretty isolated when trying to cope with the news of your single daughter's pregnancy. The statistics show that you are not alone, but it is also the case that you and your family need special support during this challenge! You should not try to deal with this situation entirely on your own even though you may fear "airing the family's dirty laundry". It may be embarassing to admit you need help, but pregnancy outside of marriage is a crisis: there are changes to life no matter what course is chosen, and those changes will require new coping strategies.

Sit down and think about who your support circle is. List family, fellow church members, and friends who are trustworthy and wise. God created family to support each other. Likewise, God urges us to be active in a local church for spiritual, emotional and physical support. The body of Christ is called to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. And yet we are still fallen humans, so choose your initial support group with prayer and thought. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom about who to talk to and where to find help.

Find a local ministry that understands the issues and decisions involved in pregnancy. Call OptionLine (800-395-HELP, open 24/7) to see if there is a pregnancy resource center near you, or to talk to a phone counselor. OptionLine can also be reached via email and instant messenger, and can talk to both you and your daughter. You may also be able to find counseling help for your other children as they deal with your daughter's pregnancy.

Take the time to educate yourself and your family about the issues and decisions involved in your daughter's pregnancy. Obviously we recommend our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single", and there are other books and resources out there too. It is important to understand that there is rarely a single cause that led your daughter into sexual activity outside marriage, which led to her pregnancy. So don't place all the 'blame' on any particular person or thing. Talk to your daughter to brainstorm all the actions and decisions that contributed to her situation.

Find other parents to talk to. You may know another family at church who has had a pregnant daughter in the past. Call them and ask to meet for coffee to hear their experiences. You will likely find it very comforting to hear the story of other parents who have gone through similar struggles as you are now facing. Again, don't allow this challenge to isolate you from help when you need it most. Pray for God to bring you wise and trustworthy counsel, and ask God to give you wisdom. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."