Infant abandonment

The Buffalo News recently ran an article titled "Mother charged with killing infant daughter kept pregnancy a secret, police say". This article tells a small piece of the story of 19-year-old college student Alicia Zebrun who apparently hid her pregnancy from her family, gave birth alone at home, then put her newborn daughter into a shoe box where she died. According to a quote in the article, this type of incident happens about once per day in the U.S. This sort of situation is also the basis for the "Safe-Haven Laws" that all 50 states have where a newborn can be left at a specific location. See the National Safe Haven Alliance for more information about these laws and the details for your state. There has also been a recent set of articles about parents abandoning their older kids at Safe Haven locations.

Like pregnancy in teens and college students, there is no perfect stereotype for women who hide their pregnancy and then leave their child to die: any socio-economic group can be represented. In this article, neighbors said Alicia was a good kid and the children in the Zebrun family had a strong upbringing by "excellent parents" who were strict. Neighbors believe Alicia's mother and step-father would have helped her with the pregnancy and baby becuase they were "all about kids."

So why do some women do this?
One commentator in the article guesses that "For whatever reason, they were extremely frightened. They may have felt fearful about disclosing the pregnancy for whatever reason. We don’t know."

Another commentator in the article says "The girls and young women who kill or abandon their newborns generally are deeply ashamed and often refuse to acknowledge their pregnancies 'until the very end when it’s undeniable,' he said. Faced with a baby they don’t want, they do the unthinkable. 'They’re not thinking,' Kaye said. 'They’re acting.' "

So what can we do?
Kaye believes the only way to stop it is for parents and communities to be more involved with their daughters. He pointed out one case in which a girl said she hid her pregnancy from her family and ended up killing her baby because her father had told her he’d kill her if she ever came home pregnant. “The father broke down in tears,” Kaye said. “ ‘This is my fault . . . I didn’t mean it. But I actually said it,’ ” he recounted. “The community needs to say this is an example of us failing our kids,” Kaye said. “We need to do a better as a community rather than skapegoating this girl.”

Talk to all your children about this story. Tell them that while you will probably be angry or upset to learn they were pregnant (or were drinking or using drugs), that you would prefer that your kids talked to you instead of keeping a secret. You may have said something in the past such as "If you ever come home pregnant, I'll (kill you, kick you out of the house, etc.)." Do you really mean this? Would you really murder your own child? Or are you simply trying to express that you would be hurt, disappointed, and angry for a while? If you've ever said an extreme statement like this, tell your kids that you don't mean it and then tell them what you really mean instead. Tell your kids that you love them even when they make mistakes with serious consequences. Tell your kids that you want to help them when they have a problem, even if the news of the problem may be hard to hear. Be involved in your kids' lives so much that you would NOTICE if your daughter was pregnant. Brainstorm ways you can be involved in their lives without going to extremes. There is a balance in there somewhere so that you are neither a clueless parent nor an invasive parent.

In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", the chapter titled "First Steps" list three things you need to do as soon as you discover your teen or college student daughter is pregnant. First, get her the medical attention she needs, and then find her the emotional support she needs. For example, help your pregnant daughter get parenting classes and help her learn about stress management. Your local pregnancy help center may be able to offer your family these classes, and may also have peer support sessions and group sessions to help your pregnant daughter cope with the changes that are coming into her life.