Real stories: Allison Walsh

Allison Walsh, 21, was seven months pregnant and living with her 22-year-old boyfriend (Matthew Becker) and his family.  Matthew shot and killed Allison on August 12, and their unborn daughter died too.  Why did Matthew kill Allison?  His family says that Matthew was not happy that Allison was pregnant.  Allison had told her family that Matthew wanted her to abort the baby and that he had said that he would not help care for the child when it was born.  Matthew had a history of physically and verbally abusing his girlfriends.  Matthew also had a history of threatening his girlfriends with knives and guns, and was very controlling.

If your daughter's relationship to the baby's father has any similarity to the above, please help your daughter escape him and stay away from him.  Take his threats very seriously.  Get your daughter counseling for the verbal abuse so that she can stay away from him.  Talk to the police and to a lawyer about what you can do to protect your daughter and her unborn child.  Learn about domestic violence at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Dating Violence: Power and Control

February is awareness month for dating violence. BreakTheCycle.org points out that "the core of dating violence are issues of power and control." Talk to your kids about how "violent words and actions are tools an abusive partners uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner."

Talk about these kinds of power and control:

Peer pressure: for example, threatening to expose someone's weakness, spreading rumors, telling lies about a person to their peer group.

Anger and emotional abuse: putting you down, making you feel badly about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, mind games, humiliating you, making you feel guilty.

Using social status: treating you like a servant, the controlling partner making all the decisions, the controlling partner being the only one allowed to define men's and women's roles.

Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Minimize/Deny/Blame: the controlling partner making light of the abuse and not taking seriously your concerns about the situation, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying that you caused the abusive behavior.

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone. Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to the police. Making you drop charges. Making you do illegal things.

Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats in order to get sex, getting a girl pregnant in order to control her, threatening to take the children away, getting you drunk or drugged in order to have sex.

Isolation/Exclusion: Controlling what you do, controlling who you see or talk to, controlling what you read, controlling where you go. Limiting outside involvement from others. Using jealousy to justify actions.

If your child is being controlled in a relationship, please get them help. Tell your child you are concerned for their safety. Point out that what they are experiencing is not normal and that they deserve a safe relationship. Stress that you are on their side and that no one deserves to be abused. Help them develop a safety plan.

Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month

February is awareness month for Teen Dating Abuse.

Break the Cycle says that as many as one in three teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship; and one in four eighth and ninth grade students reported being victims of dating violence.

Talk to your daughter about this video.

October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
This violence hotline is open for victims or anyone calling on their behalf 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline counselors can provide crisis intervention, information or referrals to agencies across the nation. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
Among its programs, Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE). This nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape treatment hotlines provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services around the clock. When a caller dials 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), the call is automatically connected to a local U.S. rape crisis program near the phone number's area code.

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453
To raise awareness and champion zero tolerance of dating violence among teens, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline in conjunction with the Love Is Respect program for teens and parents seeking help. An online chat option is available from 4 p.m. – 2 a.m. CST.

Break The Cycle
Break the Cycle believes everybody has the right to safe and healthy relationships—regardless of where they live, who they are or what they believe. That is why they work every day toward its mission to engage, educate and empower youth to build lives and communities free from domestic violence. Break the Cycle offers programs that defy geographic bounds—ensuring that no young person is excluded from receiving the help, tools and information they need to live free from violence. Break the Cycle’s success is demonstrated by more than a decade of leadership in working with teens to prevent and end domestic and dating violence.

Resources & Programs located on The Mary Kay Foundation Web site

Teens with Older Sexual Partners

Child Trends published a fact sheet in April 2008 titled "Long-term consequences for teens with older sexual partners". This research examines whether having sexual intercourse before age 16 with a partner at least three years older was associated with becoming a teen parent or unmarried parent or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by young adulthood (post-high school through the early twenties).

Findings:
1) 18% (nearly 1 in 5) middle school and high school girls reported having sex with an partner who who was three or more years older than themselves. Only 4% of boys were in the same position.
2) 55% of girls and 61% of boys reported that they had not yet had sexual intercourse by middle school or high school.
3) Girls who had an older sexual partner were more likely to acquire an STD, and more likely to have had a baby outside marriage by young adulthood.
4) Girls who had sex before age 16 with a partner at least three years older were twice as likely to test positive for an STD in young adulthood.
5) 27% of the girls in the research study reported that they had had at least one nonromantic sexual partner during adolescence.

Talk to your teens and college students about the dangers of dating someone that is more than 3 years older than themselves while they are not yet adults. The maturity and power differences pose serious risks until your children are adults themselves. Read our other blog entries about this topic: "Age differences in dating", "Sexual Behavior in America's Children", and "Teen Dating Abuse".

Resource: Southern Nevada Children First

Las Vegas TV News 3 has a video and article about Southern Nevada Children First, a program that helps "young mothers who don't have a home....[and] gives young mothers a place to stay while helping them to receive an education or search for a job." Up to seven young mothers and their babies can stay in the central Las Vegas home associated with Southern Nevada Children First. The two-year program gives 17 to 22-year-old homeless mothers a place to stay and a plan to get on their feet.

One 17-year-old mother, who asked to not be identified, knows what it's like to be homeless.
"My boyfriend had beat me and I had nowhere to go. I've been on the streets multiple times for multiple lengths of times." She still fears for her safety even though she's in a better place now.
"It really feels like a home; it doesn't feel like a shelter or a place you are staying because you don't have anywhere else to go. They helped me get into college so I am officially a college student. I want to get a full-time job and then transition to my own apartment and have my own place."

If your pregnant daughter can not live with you after the baby is born, where will she live? With other family? With friends? Does she need your help to find a program like this that will help her get on her feet? Call your local pregnancy resource center to see if they have referrals for housing. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" because it discusses the many decisions that you and your pregnant daughter are facing about housing during pregnancy, finishing her education, legal issues, medical issues, skill building and life options after the baby is born.

Monitoring your kids online

A news article titled "Houston teen's Myspace page reveals sex with adult, pregnancy fears" tells the story of a mother of a 14-year-old girl. The mother "often checks her daughter's page to check for risky behavior or contact with strangers, and it's even more amazing to her that such information was found on the main page for anyone to see. The mom always figured she'd find trouble in the "sent messages" or "inbox" where messages are sent privately between two Myspace users."

Monitoring your teen's online activities is a very good idea. Let your teens know that you will be checking their blog or other accounts. Discuss rules about online behavior with them (what kinds of information they post, what kinds of pictures, etc.) and rules about meeting online contacts in real life. We posted about "Sex and Technology" previously, giving tips and statistics. MySpace offers parents a few safety tips here.

The mother called the teen home from a friends house and sat down to talk with her. "The two had never even discussed the girl becoming sexually active, and the mom says she was convinced her daughter hadn't reached that point yet."

Talk with your kids early and often about your values about alcohol, drugs, smoking, and sex. In a previous post called "Teen Sex: The Parent Factor", we said: "In a study of 700 teens in Philadelphia, 58% of teens reported being sexually active, while only 1/3 of their mothers believed they were." Have you directly asked your teens if they are sexually active? What activities do you include in this... for example, many young teens mistakenly believe that oral sex is not sexual activity. So be specific in your questions and conversations!

The news article continues, "The girl started to cry as she detailed for her mom that she was given alcohol while visiting a friend in Chambers County, east of Houston. She met a man from across the street and ended up crossing the street to talk with him, and the girl said the two ended up having sex." The mother then took her daughter to the police in order to file charges against the man but was shocked that the officer did not appear concerned and kept asking if the girl had agreed to the sexual activity. The article points out that, "In Texas, state law does not recognize that a child can give consent for sex with an adult. Statutory rape charges, felony charges of Sexual Assault of a Child, can be filed against an adult regardless of whether the child was coaxed or tricked into agreeing to sex." The article closes by saying that the mother hasn't been able to get the police to file charges.

If your underage daughter has been exploited by an adult, definitely pursue legal charges against the man. In addition, get your daughter medical attention and also counseling to help her process the situation.

"God, Why?"

Yesterday we blogged about the possible dangers of a teen daughter dating someone who is several years older than herself. Earlier in the week we blogged about warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Here's a real-life example that appeared in "The Elliot Institute News" from the Leader in Post-Abortion Research, Vol. 8, No. 6 -- April 16, 2009.

"God, Why?"
One Woman Shares Her Personal Story

I was living in Texas, with my mom, dad, and four brothers. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother was sick most of my childhood life, in and out of hospitals and mental institutions.

Then in the eighth grade I met someone who was 19 years old (I was only 14 years old.) I think I leaned on him for support because my dad had moved to another state for job reasons and my mom was sick. In some ways I was a little mother for my four brothers.

My boyfriend abused me by slapping me and controlling everything I did. I was just a child. I didn't realize then how serious my situation was. We started having sex and I got pregnant.

My mother decided I should have an abortion and my boyfriend gave me the money to go. My oldest brother took me to Dallas to have the abortion. I was only four weeks pregnant.

When I walked into the abortion clinic, I remember seeing so many young, scared faces just like mine. …. I remember waking up in a room all alone and scared. I went home and little did I know that my trouble and pain were just beginning.

I was still being abused by my boyfriend and then my mother was sick. I had to live with an aunt I did not know.

My two younger brothers lived with different aunts and I and my older brothers stayed in Texas. I had lost my family and until then hadn't realized how my abortion affected me.

Time went by and I met new friends but I was still a very hurt and confused teenager. I was watching TV one evening and a show came on about conceiving a baby and how it grows inside the mother's womb. Then it talked about abortion.

For the first time in my life I realized what I had done. I started crying and screaming. I ran into my bedroom and hit the walls with my fists. I was sobbing, “God, why?” I cried for hours.

I am 33 years old now and still there are days when I cry. Every day of my life I have pain inside of me.

I think it should be a law for women, especially teenagers, to see a film on abortion before they decide to have one. I know it would have saved my baby's life.

I don't blame my mother because she still saw me as a child … I carry the responsibility and the pain.

~~~

Learn more: For more personal stories of abortion, including coerced, forced and unwanted abortions, visit www.TheUnchoice.com.

More personal stories and a reflection on the personal and social obstacles women often face before, during and after abortion, can be found in the book Giving Sorrow Words: Women's Stories of Grief After Abortion, by Melinda Tankard Reist.

Age differences in dating

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: 13% of same-age relationships among those aged 12-14 include sexual intercourse. If the partner is just two older, that number doubles: 26% of the relationships include sex. If the partner is three or more years older, 33% of the relationships include sex.

TIP: Group activities among young people are fine, often fun, and can be a terrific way to develop relationships that are not necessarily of the intense, bf/gf variety. Steady, frequent, one-on-one dating much before age 16 is another story altogether. In particular, be very cautious about letting your teenage son/daughter develop an intense relationship with
someone who is three or more years older. For example, research makes clear that romantic relationships between very young teens significantly increase the risk of too-early and unwanted sex. Dating in the presence of large age differences is similarly a high-risk proposition.

On all of these matters—group dating, early dating, or dating someone older—don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area otherwise he/she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.

Begin laying the groundwork and ground rules long before dating is even an option.

Relationship red flags

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship say they have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner; one in four teen girls say their boyfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; and one in four teen girls say they have been pressured to go further sexually than they wanted.

Ask your teens (and your college student, and even your older child) if they have been hit/slapped/pushed by a partner. Are they currently in a relationship where that is happening?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have ever tried to control who they spend time with. Is that happening in the current relationship?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have pressured them to go further sexually than they wanted. Is that happening in the current relationship? For your pregnant daughter, was her sexual activity with the baby's father by mutual consent, or did he pressure her into it?

The booklet has some great questions to help you talk about relationship problems. Talk to all your kids about their current and past relationships, using these questions. For your pregnant daughter, these are very important questions to discuss about her relationship with the baby's father.

1) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend pressure you to make the relationship very serious or have sex quickly?

2) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend act jealous or possessive of you?

3) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend ignore boundaries of any sort that you have set?

4) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend insult you privately or in front of others?

5) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend not let you have your own identity? Do they try to control where you go, what you wear, or what you do?

6) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend IM or text you constantly?

7) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend refuse to consider your point of view or your desires, or simply doesn't listen to what you have to say?

8) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend keep you from talking to or spending time with close friends or family?

9) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend blame alcohol or drugs for their behavior?

10) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend threaten to hurt you, someone you care about, or themselves if you were to leave them?

These questions point out serious red flags about the relationship and indicate that the relationship is not respectful or caring. Help your kids know that they are worthy of respect and worthy of being treated with care.

Dana's story

This real story (names changed) is exerpted from "Dana's Delight" written by Jeff Meredith, from the Care Net Report, Winter/Spring 2009. Copyright is held by Care Net.

When Dana found herself lost in Utica, New York, one night, the man who offered to help seemed nice enough. But it was a trap. He brutally raped her on the side of the road. It was a new low for a woman who had endured abuse and hardship her whole life. Yet in her darkest moment, God sowed the seeds of her redemption.

Dana suffered almost unimaginable cruelty growing up. By her early 30s, Dana had been married three times: including an adulterer, and an alcoholic who persuaded her to move to Alaska with him only to be devastated when he turned up in jail after a drunk driving arrest. The day he was scheduled for release, he was rearrested for a prior DUI and extradited to New York. Dana followed him to Utica, where she spent most of her lonely days at the jail waiting for visiting hours. It was just after a long day at the jail that the rape occurred. She had just moved to a new apartment and didn't know how to drive home. Police never caught the rapist.

Without friends of support, Dana suffered severe anguish. She would cry for days, entertain suicidal thoughts, and wash herself with bleach to "deal" with the rape. Two months after the rape, Dana received the biggest shock of her life. She was pregnant. Her husband urged her to abort the child, and her doctors also insisted abortion was her "best" option. So did her therapist. It seemed like circumstances couldn't get worse. But then a woman she had never met before called and said she was her husband's wife. That seemed utterly impossible. But when she confronted him, he admitted it was true.

With her "marriage" in tatters and pressure building on all sides to end her pregnancy, Dana felt lost. She wasn't sure what she needed, but she thought she might find it at a church. So one night, she decided to drive until she found one. When she stumbled into Calvary Gospel Church, she introduced herself to the pastor and met his wife. That kind, gentle woman listened to Dana's story and she told her she knew people who could help.

The very next day, the two of them went to a pregnancy center. For the first time in months, Dana felt safe and relaxed. Dana spoke to a peer counselor named Amy, unloading all of the conflicting questions plaguing her: "What if I can't love the baby? What if it looks like the rapist? Is it wrong to want to keep this child?" Amy listened and offered unconditional support. In the weeks and months ahead, Dana spoke repeatedly with Amy. She was always encouraged, but she still felt unsure. Three times she scheduled and missed abortion appointments. The first time, she came down with a cold. The second time she was rear-ended on the way to the appointment. Finally, on the third try, Dana realized the abortion clinic workers just didn't care about her. That's when she chose life.

Overjoyed, Dana told Amy about her decision. They rejoiced with her and helped her receive maternity clothes, baby clothes, and a bassinet. These wonderful gifts - strengthened by prayer, counsel, and friendship - finally helped Dana realize that out of that horrible rape and her anguished life, "God was creating something good."

The day her daughter was born, Dana felt overwhelmed with joy. As her labor ended and new life began, she suddenly understood what Amy had been sharing with her about God's unconditional love. Shortly after giving birth, Dana sent a note to Amy saying, "Thank you for sticking with me. I love my baby so much. If I had gone through with the abortion, I would be feeling so much despair. Instead I have so much love. I have never been happier."

Less than a year after her daughter's birth, Dana met a man who not only loves her but her daughter too. They've been married for four years now and he's adopted Dana's daughter. Today, Dana can say with total certainty that despite the unbelievable difficulty of her life, "I would do it all again for my baby."

Click here to watch a video of Dana sharing her story.

Dana's Story from Care Net on Vimeo.

Teens and Dating Violence

According to the ABC news article linked in the title of this post, "one in 10 high school girls report being abused by a boyfriend, according to the Department of Justice. And high school girls are exposed to three times more abuse in relationships than adult women."

The National Violence Prevention Resource Center outlines warning signs for parents:

• Does the individual have unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries?
• Do you see signs that the individual is afraid of his/her boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend seem to try to control the individual’s behavior, making all of the decisions, checking up on his/her behavior, demanding to know who the individual has been with, and acting jealous and possessive?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend lash out, criticize, or insult the individual?
• Does the individual apologize for the boyfriend or girlfriend’s behavior to you and others?
• Has the individual casually mentioned the boyfriend or girlfriend’s temper or violent behavior, but then laughed it off as a joke?
• Have you seen the boyfriend or girlfriend be abusive towards other people or things?
• Does the individual seem to have lost interest or to be giving up things that were once important? Has he/she lost interest in school or other activities?
• Has the individual's appearance or behavior suddenly changed?
• Has the individual stopped spending time with friends and family?
• Have you seen sudden changes in the individual’s mood or personality. Is the individual becoming anxious or depressed, acting out, or being secretive? Is the individual avoiding eye contact, having ‘crying jags’ or getting ‘hysterical?’
• Has the individual recently started using alcohol or drugs?

How can you talk to your kids about dating violence? The Katie Brown Education Program offers these tips:

1. Think about the things you value in your own relationships - then share them with your kids.
How do we, as adults, expect men and women to act? How should people behave if they disagree? How should decisions be made in a relationship? Be sure that you can explain your reasoning and can support it with examples.

2. Reveal the "Unspoken Rules of Dating". Don't assume that your son or daughter knows how to behave in a dating relationship. Give them clear examples of appropriate manners, actions, etc. It's important to talk with them about what you expect of them, rather than letting locker room or slumber party talk be their only source of information.

3. Tell the whole truth...good and bad. Young people generally view dating very romantically - they are excited and expect their relationships to be filled only with pleasure and happiness. Support these expectations, but discuss some of the less positive things that may happen. It can be challenging to know how to act when strong feelings are involved, but give them a few suggestions or phrases to help them get out of difficult situations. For instance, "I'm not comfortable with this - can we talk about it?"

4. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness. One of the most powerful things we learn from our parents is to speak up for ourselves - to state our feelings, opinions, and desires clearly. Compliment your kids when they respectfully assert themselves.

5. Teach anger control. It's not realistic to assume that everyone will get along all the time. Help your kids recognize when they're getting angry and teach them to take a moment to stop and think before they act on that anger.

6. Teach negotiation. Help your teens to understand that compromising and "taking turns" are positive steps to healthy relationships. Also help them to understand that violence, threats, and insults have no place in respectful relationships.

7. Teach problem solving. When your teen is confronted with a tough issue, have them talk through exactly what happened and what may have caused the situation. Work with them to identify several different ways in which the situation may be resolved. Follow up with them to see which solution they chose and how it is working out.

8. Explain the WARNING SIGNS (above). No relationship goes smoothly at all times. However, there are signs that a relationship has more than the usual ups and downs. Know the warning signs, teach them to your kids, and help them to understand that any incidence of violence in a relationship is a predictor of very serious problems.

9. Keep no secrets. Let your kids know that while special shared thoughts are okay in a relationship, sometimes secrecy - particularly when it isolates them from other friends or family - can be the first sign of manipulation and coercion.

10. Be the ultimate role model. Talk the talk and walk the walk. If you want your kids to respect themselves and others, let them see your relationships as the ultimate examples of healthy relationships.

Most teen pregnancies caused by adult men

In the news article linked to in the title of the post, there is a quote that says "Half of the time, a teen pregnancy does not even involve two teens close in age. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy estimates 52 percent of the fathers are three years or more older than the moms; and about two-thirds of the fathers are age 20 and over."

The statistic which says that "about two-thirds [66%] of the fathers are age 20 and over" includes 19-year old girls who are pregnant by 20 year old (and older) men. It also includes very young teens who are pregnant by men who are not teens themselves.

The other statistic above says that 52% of the time, a teen girl is pregnant by a male at least 3 years older than herself.

The article continues with an example, "In Illinois, the largest group of fathers involved in fathering a child with a teenage mother were between the ages of 20 and 24 -- that age group accounted for 48 percent of teen births during 2006, the latest year available. Only 10 percent of the fathers were under age 18."

Is an age difference of three years or more a big deal? For teens it definitely is:
"The older the partner, the greater the risk for abuse. One in five American teen girls has had sex with a sexual partner who is three or more years older, according to a report released in April by Child Trends, an independent research center that focuses on children and families. Even if the relationship is consensual, there is a significant power difference that puts the man in a controlling role. The risk of unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease increases significantly with older partners because they are less likely to use condoms, the report said."

If your teen daughter is pregnant by a male three or more years older than her, you may decide to talk to a lawyer about the statuatory rape laws for your state. Are your other children dating people that are too old or too young for them (a three year age difference or more)? If so, consider intervening in that relationship. And talk to all your teens about dating and sex. We posted previously about how you can talk to your kids to help them avoid teen pregnancy.

"Is Marriage In Our Future?"

The topic of marriage has been on the minds of some of our readers recently, with queries such as "should pregnant christian people get married?", and "when daughter does not have blessing of marriage", among others. There is no single answer that fits all situations. Choosing to marry the baby's father is a decision that should be made with careful consideration, prayer, and outside counseling.

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Is Marriage In Our Future?". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson first lists a few facts about marriage:
"In 2000, 58% of all men and 54% of all women over the age of 15 were married. For people age 35 through 44, 69% of men and 71% of women were married. In 2000, 8.3% of all men and 10.2% of all women over age 15 were divorced."

"Many people have studied the effects of marriage on people and society. These experts found that people who are married:
• Are healthier, in general
• Live longer
• Tend to have more money and more financial security

They also found that children who live with their married parents:
• Get more education
• Have better marriages when they grow up
• Feel better about themselves and their lives

But healthy marriages are important. People with marital problems tend to be:
• More depressed
• Get sick more often
• Have children who get sick more often
• Have children who are not well adjusted

And if people divorce, their health suffers. For example:
• Divorced adults have a greater chance of dying earlier
• Children whose parents divorce live an average of four years less"

The lesson makes a good point that not everyone is a good candidate for marriage. You should not automatically get married just because you are pregnant. If your partner is abusive, you should get help to get away from them, not marry them. The lesson suggests these "yellow flags" as areas to get counseling about when considering a potential marriage partner:

Yellow Flags About Marriage:

• If your partner is often very depressed, unsure of himself or herself, and very anxious.
  
  
• If either of you ask over and over again, “Are you sure you love me? Do you really care about me?”
  
  
• If you spend most of your time together arguing and disagreeing.
  
  
• If your partner overreacts to simple problems or situations.
  
  
• If you keep thinking, “Things will be better when we get married.”
  
  
• If your partners wants to make all the important decisions and you resent it.
  
  
• If you are feeling pressure to get married but don’t want to.
  
  
• If you spend a day alone with your partner (not watching television), and you find you can’t stand it.
  
  
• If your partner does things you cannot stand but you are afraid to tell him or her because he or she will get mad.
  

The lesson also suggests a few "red flags" and encourages you not to marry a person with these challenges until they have been resolved:

"Red Flags"

• If your partner is an addict and not in recovery.
  
  
• If your partner physically or verbally abuses you or your children.
  
  
• If your partner is very controlling and you are fearful of him.
  
  
• If your partner demands that you drop all your friends and not see your family.
  
  
• If your partner gets angry easily and can’t control his or her temper.
  
  
• If your partner takes money that is needed to buy food and other necessities.
  

With your daughter, each of you write out a list of the positive traits a good marriage partner should have, and a list of the negative traits they should not have. Compare your lists. Then discuss how your daughter matches these lists and how the baby's father matches these lists. No one is perfect and each person will have a mix of positive and negative marriage traits. Try to be realistic and thorough.

The lesson suggests some questions to ask yourself:
• Do you believe that your future husband or wife will change if you get married? The facts show that most of us do not change very much or very quickly.
• Do you believe that you will be different when you get married? Do you hope that getting married will give you a fresh start and you can leave your problems behind? Most of us bring “baggage” with us into our marriages. If we had unhappy childhoods or don’t get along well with our parents, we will carry these problems into our marriage.
• Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, being overly sensitive to criticism, or having frequent mood swings? Get help with these problems before getting married. Work on building your relationship with your own parents.
• Are you closing your eyes to your own or your partner’s faults? Most of us tend to not see our partner’s faults before we get married. Then after we are married we notice every fault.

Finally, the lesson suggests a three things that help make a marriage more successful:
"1) A marriage lasts when couples are able to solve the disagreements and conflict that are a part of every relationship.
2) A marriage must have at least five positive moments for every negative moment between the couple. In other words acts of kindness need to outweigh criticism and other negative behavior by a ratio of five to one.
3) But it is not a matter of just being nice. Instead, it is learning to calm oneself, to listen and respond nondefensively, and to stick together even when the going gets rough.
So, a healthy marriage involves more than marrying the “right person.” It also involves learning to manage conflict, to talk to each other and to stay committed during the tough times. It means becoming friends."

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church".

Younger age at first intercourse may signal past abuse

Why do teens get pregnant? Some of them are the victims of sexual abuse. Some teens are pregnant directly by their abuser, and some are pregnant because of self-defeating behaviors that are a result of coping with abuse.

Sexually abused girls may initiate intercourse earlier than their peers and engage in a wide variety of high-risk behaviors, including substance abuse. The average age of first intercourse for abused girls is 13.8, in contrast to the national average of 16.2. If your daughter is pregnant or has been sexually active at an age lower than the national average, ask her if she has experienced sexual abuse.

How does child abuse affect teenage pregnancy and promiscuity? These statistics are from the Darkness to Light organization:

• Children who have been victims of sexual abuse exhibit long-term and more frequent behavioral problems, particularly inappropriate sexual behaviors.
  
• Women who report childhood rape are 3 times more likely to become pregnant before age 18.
  
• An estimated 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. The average age of their offenders is 27 years.
  
• Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous.
  
• More than 75% of teenage prostitutes have been sexually abused.
  

Talk to all your daughters about these statistics, and ask them to tell you about any abuse they have recieved. If your daughter has been abused, get her medical assistance, counseling, and talk to authorities about reporting the abuse.

Non-voluntary Sexual Intercourse

According to the Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. (PHS) 2006-1977. 174 pp.

In 2002, 8% of sexually experienced women 18–44 years of age reported that their first sexual intercourse was not voluntary.

+ Younger age at first sexual intercourse was associated with higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse. 20% of women who first had intercourse before 15 years of age reported their first intercourse as not voluntary compared with 4% of women who first had intercourse at 20 years or over. This relationship between earlier first intercourse and higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse is seen across Hispanic origin and race groups.

Nearly 23% of women aged 18–44 in 2002 had been forced to have intercourse at some time in their lives, about the same as seen in 1995.
+ About 5% of women were first forced to have intercourse at ages younger than 15 years; another 6% were first forced at ages 15–17 years and 4% at ages 18–19 years.
+ Women who were not living with both parents at age 14 were more likely to have experienced forced sexual intercourse at some time (31%) than women who lived with both parents (20%).

Talk to your daughter about these statistics. How old was she when she first had intercourse? Did she participate willingly? If not, make sure she gets counseling to heal this emotional wound, and medical care to check for STDs and any physical damage. If your pregnant daughter currently plans to be a single mother, brainstorm with her about ways that she can increase the protection of her child.


+ Of the women who reported that their FIRST sexual intercourse was not voluntary, 19% reported that they had been ‘‘pressured into it by his words or actions, but without threats of harm,’’ and this was the most common type of force.
+ The other types of force asked about, for example: 9% had been given alcohol or drugs, 8% reported ‘‘yes’’ to the item ‘‘Did what he said because he was bigger or grownup, and you were young,’’ 5% had been ‘‘physically held down,’’ and 3% had been ‘‘physically hurt or injured.’’

Talk with all your children about how they could try to get out of situations where they are being pressured to have sex by their partner's words or actions. What should they say? What should they do? Who should they later talk to about what happened?

"Seven Steps to Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

The following is a summary/outline of the points made by guest R.T. Kendall on the Focus On The Family radio program "Finding True Forgiveness."

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What Forgiveness is Not

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

There may be a lot of people you need to forgive when your single daughter is pregnant. You may need to forgive your daughter, the baby's father, his family, your friends and family for the way they react, yourself, and others.

How can we apply these steps to forgiveness to a Christian daughter who is single and pregnant?

1. "Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you." Okay, pregnancy is going to be obvious at some point, and this sentiment is not a support of abortion. To apply this one, let's instead focus on perhaps not complaining to everyone about how much your daughter embarrassed you, hurt you, angered you, or shamed you. How about not complaining to everyone about your daughter's character, or the character of the baby's father? If you really need to vent your frustrations, pick a mature, trustworthy person such as a counselor or pastor who will not gossip about what you share.

2. "Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you." Is your anger at your daughter a scary thing? Was she afraid to tell you she was pregnant because she guessed your reaction would be intimidating? Do you need to apologize to her for the way you've acted since discovering her pregnancy?

3. "Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty." Your daughter may feel guilty about her sexual activity. If she willingly participated, this guilt could be the Holy Spirit prompting her that she has sinned and needs to confess. Once she has repented and asked forgiveness, guilty feelings may be unhealthy (meaning that they are no longer pointing out the need for confession). Corrie ten Boom used to talk about God's forgiveness by saying that He placed our sins at the bottom of the ocean and then put up a buoy with a sign that says "No Fishing." If your daughter has repented, don't keep bringing up her sin. Don't fish. Leave it alone.

4. "Let them save face." Ask your daughter what this would mean to her. Does it mean that she wants to tell people about the pregnancy instead of you doing it? Or does it mean she wants you to tell people instead of her doing it? Does it mean she would like to live with a relative during the pregnancy? What would 'saving face' mean to her in this situation? Are any of her ideas for this realistic possibilities? If they are possible, pray and talk about making them happen.

5. "Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear." Talk with your daughter about this. What is her greatest fear about being single and pregnant? What is her darkest secret about this pregnancy? Brainstorm together about what kind of protection can be offered. For example, if she is in an abusive relationship is she afraid for her safety and the safety of her baby?

6. "It is a lifelong commitment." Forgiving your daughter for a particular thing may take a lifetime of upkeep on your part. You may have unforgiving thoughts and feelings resurface that you must choose to deal with again. You may have to repeatedly choose not to "fish" around and bring up her past sins that you say you have forgiven. Perhaps she will make the same mistake again in the future and you will have to choose whether or not to berate her for her past mistakes again.

7. "Pray for them to be blessed." When you are in the midst of anger and pain, this kind of prayer can seem impossible. You may not feel like your daughter deserves blessing because of the things she has chosen to do. You certainly do not have to pray that her sin be blessed, because sin cannot be blessed. However, the consequences of sin can prompt someone to repent and turn their life around. This in itself may be a blessing to the person whose life is changed. Repentance and a changed life can open the door to other blessings, and that is hopefully something you can pray for your daughter to receive.

Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must approve of her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. You can love your daughter and hate her actions. Forgiving your daughter does not mean you must excuse her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must pardon her willing actions: there may be consequences she needs to face, possibly even punishments depending on the situation. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must reconcile your relationship with her. For reconciliation to occur, you both have to be trustworthy people. You can forgive her even if she is not yet trustworthy for a relationship.

For more about forgiveness when your single daughter is pregnant, read the chapters in our book ("How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy") titled "Forgiving the Baby's Father," "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents," "Forgiving Myself," "Forgiving My Daughter," and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances."

Teen Dating Abuse

A recent article on CNN.com, "Survey reveals abuse in teen relationships" summarizes a survey showing that teens and preteens endure a significant level of abuse in their dating relationships, and that most parents are unaware of the abuse. Go here on loveisrespect.orgto see a PDF with more details and more study results.

• "69% percent of teens who had sex by age 14 reported some type of abuse in a relationship, with slightly more than one-third saying they had been physically abused."


• About "10% of the teenagers surveyed said they had had sex by age 14, while 20 percent said they had sex between the ages of 15 and 16."


• Nearly 50% of 11-14 year olds say they have been in a dating relationship. When did these very young people start dating? These dating relationships began at age 10 or younger for 9% of those surveyed, at age 11-12 for 28% of respondants, at age 13-14 for 35% of respondants, at age 15-16 for 25% of those surveyed, and after the age of 16 for 3% of those surveyed.


• "20% of 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend. 62% have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates."


• "About 51% say they are aware of the warning signs of hurtful dating relationship."


• "54% said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help."


• "Data reveals that early sexual activity appears to fuel dating violence and abuse among teenagers."


• More than 25% of tweens (age 11-14) AND parents say that sexual activity is a part of tween dating relationships. However, parents do not believe their own tween has engaged in these behaviors. 70% of parents who say they haven't talked to their tween about relationships say it is because their child is too young. However, take a look at the sexual activities tweens are engaging in:
  
  
  
  • 70% of tweens and 56% of parents say that kissing is a part of a tween (aged 11-14)dating relationship.
  
  
  • 49% of tweens and 39% of parents say that "making out" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 37% of tweens and 31% of parents say that touching & "feeling up" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 27% of tweens and 26% of parents say that oral sex is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 28% of tweens and 26% of parents say that sexual intercourse is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.


• Among 11-14 year olds who have been in a dating relationship,
  
  • 62% say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called names, put down, or insulted, whether in person or over a cellphone, instant message, or social networking site) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 61% had been been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 47% had been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 36% had been abused verbally by their partner.
  
  
  • 36% say they know friends who have been pressured by a boyfriend/girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do.
  
  
  • 16% say they know friends who have been hurt (kicked, hit, slapped or punched) by an angry partner . Among all teens who had sex by age 14, 69% report experiencing one or more types of relationship abuse. 34% of these tweens say they were physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, or choked). Among all teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner. Among all teens who had sex after age 16, 9% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner.
  
  
  • 15% say they know friends who have been pressured into having sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 34% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 22% said they had been pressured into sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to.
  
  
  • 13% say they know friends who have been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 36% said they had been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% had been pressured into oral sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% had been pressured into having oral sex.


• Being controlled by their dating partner is also reported.
  
  • 36% of teens report their partner wanted to know where they were all the time. 37% of teens report their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time. Among teens who had sex by age 14 (tweens), 58% report their partner wanted to know where they were, and 59% said their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time.
  
  
  • Other controlling behaviors included being told what to do, being pressured to do things they didn't want to to, the partner tried to prevent them from spending time with family and other friends, and the partner asked them to spend time only with him/her.
  
  
  • 23% of tweens know someone their own age who has had a partner threaten to spread rumors if they didn't do as they were told by the partner.
  
  
  • 29% of tweens know a peer who had a partner call to check up on them more than 10 times per day.
  
  
  • 24% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who texted to check up on them more than 20 times per day.
  
  
  • 18% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who called/texted to check up on them between the hours of midnight and 5am.
  
  
  • 9% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who shared private or embarassing pictures of them.
  
  
  • 8% of tweens know a peer who had a parter who made them afraid to not respond to a call/email/text message.

There is a LOT to talk about here!

• What is your definition of dating? What is your daughter's definition of dating?
• When does your daughter say she began dating? When did you think she began dating?
• What does your daughter think is abuse in a relationship? What do you think abuse is?
• What does your duaghter think are signs of power and control in a relationship? What do you think?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been abused in a dating relationship?
• Has your daughter been abused in a dating relationship? Is she currently being abused?
• What sexual activity does your daughter think is appropriate in a dating relationship at her age? What are your thoughts?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been pressured to do something they didn't want to do by a dating partner?
• Has your daughter been pressured by a dating partner to do something she didn't want to do? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been pressured into having oral sex or sex when they didn't want to?
• Has your daughter been pressured into having oral sex or sex when she didn't want to? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been controlled by a partner?
• Has your daughter been controlled by a dating partner? Is she currently being controlled?

Brainstorm with your daughter about ways that she can spot an abusive relationship. What should she do, who should she talk to?

If your daughter has been abused, or is being abused, get her the medical attention and counseling she needs.

Abusive Relationships

An article on ScienceDaily.com, "Teen Girls Report Abusive Boyfriends Try To Get Them Pregnant" summarizes a study "based on interviews with 61 girls from a variety of racial and ethnic backgrounds with a known history of intimate partner violence living in the poorest neighborhoods in Boston. The analysis included 53 girls between the ages of 15 and 20 who reported being sexually active and involved in relationships that included recurring patterns of physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a male partner. Twenty-six percent of these girls reported that their partners were actively trying to get them pregnant by manipulating condom use, sabotaging birth control use and making explicit statements about wanting them to become pregnant."

Talk to your daughter about the study mentioned above.

• Has her partner ever hit, pushed, shoved, or otherwise physically hurt her?
• Has her partner ever threatened physical violence against her?
• Has her partner ever sexually abused her?
• Has her partner told her he is trying to get her pregnant?
• Has her partner emotionally abused her? For example, by calling her names or humiliating her in front of others?
• Does your daughter need help escaping from this relationship?

If your daughter's partner is abusive, discuss with her what steps you both can take to improve her physical safety. Should a restraining order be sought against the partner? Also help your daughter get the counseling she needs so that she can address the mental wounds she has received and heal so that she does not find herself in another abusive relationship.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

This article on USAToday.com gives an overview of the upcoming new show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". This could be a golden opportunity to talk about tough issues with your entire family.

Teenager, which Hampton calls "7th Heaven with sex," opens with Amy (Shailene Woodley), a smart but vulnerable high school student, discovering she is pregnant after a first-time tryst at band camp. Her story opens the door to numerous character relationships involving students and their families. "It's a lot of people, but that means there's a lot of stories to pick and choose from," Hampton says. Amy would not have her baby until after the 10-episode first season, if Teenager is renewed. Ringwald, the '80s teen-movie queen (The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) who plays Amy's mother, says her role illustrates the variety of stories. "One of the reasons my character, who is pretty intelligent and fairly liberal, doesn't pick up on something in front of her is that she's focused on the demise of her marriage." In addition to marital problems and unplanned pregnancy, Teenager will explore other tough topics, such as a student who tries to deal with childhood sexual abuse. Some teens will be sexually active; a main character is a Christian committed to abstinence.

Hampton says Teenager will handle sex "in a very clean way," although some topics may be too much for preteens. The show is "a love story, but also a very long and interesting cautionary tale." Teenager can deal with those topics and still fit the network's family-friendly approach, Lee says. "We're going to tell it in an optimistic, relatable way, and we're going to be responsible about it. Our story lines are going to resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." Many of Teenager's topics, including pregnancy, aren't that different from the days of Ringwald's earlier films, says the actress, who played a pregnant teen in For Keeps?. Some parents "are still really unwilling to talk about sex frankly with their kids," she says. "It's so much better to talk about it with your kids, and I hope this show opens that dialogue. It really is perfect for ABC Family."

Consider watching this with your family and using it as an opening for discussion. The article above says the show will "resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." See if your family agrees.

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.