Dating Violence: Power and Control

February is awareness month for dating violence. BreakTheCycle.org points out that "the core of dating violence are issues of power and control." Talk to your kids about how "violent words and actions are tools an abusive partners uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner."

Talk about these kinds of power and control:

Peer pressure: for example, threatening to expose someone's weakness, spreading rumors, telling lies about a person to their peer group.

Anger and emotional abuse: putting you down, making you feel badly about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, mind games, humiliating you, making you feel guilty.

Using social status: treating you like a servant, the controlling partner making all the decisions, the controlling partner being the only one allowed to define men's and women's roles.

Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Minimize/Deny/Blame: the controlling partner making light of the abuse and not taking seriously your concerns about the situation, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying that you caused the abusive behavior.

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone. Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to the police. Making you drop charges. Making you do illegal things.

Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats in order to get sex, getting a girl pregnant in order to control her, threatening to take the children away, getting you drunk or drugged in order to have sex.

Isolation/Exclusion: Controlling what you do, controlling who you see or talk to, controlling what you read, controlling where you go. Limiting outside involvement from others. Using jealousy to justify actions.

If your child is being controlled in a relationship, please get them help. Tell your child you are concerned for their safety. Point out that what they are experiencing is not normal and that they deserve a safe relationship. Stress that you are on their side and that no one deserves to be abused. Help them develop a safety plan.