Teen birth is contagious?

"Our results show that teen motherhood of the older sister has a significant positive impact on the probability that her younger sister will also have a teen birth. [The impact] is larger for siblings who are close in age, ...as we would expect any such effect to wear off as the age gap between the sisters increases. It is also higher for women from low income households where shared resources between siblings may matter more. We conclude that, within families, teen births tend to be contagious."

These conclusions are from researchers evaluating birth data from Norway during the 1960s.  So the conclusions may not be transferable to the USA of the present time.  However, the question is an interesting one.  If you have two daughters, close in age, and the elder daughter gets pregnant as a teen then it could be significantly more likely that your younger daughter will also also get pregnant as a teen.

So talk to your younger daughters about their older sister's pregnancy.  What does your younger daughter think about her older sister being pregnant?  Does your younger daughter often copy the behavior of your older daughter?  Do you need to change anything in your parenting so that your younger daughter has a reduced chance of becoming sexually active as a teen?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Sharing with family and friends” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Connect with your Teen...on Facebook!

78% of teens have a social media account (mostly on Facebook), so you need to connect with your teen there by getting your own account. The National Fatherhood Initiative has these suggestions.

1) Find out what your teens think about Facebook. What do they know about it? How do their friends use it? What do they think about it? Talk about things you see happen on Facebook. It might be anything from “hey, I noticed on Facebook that your friends on the soccer team won districts – that’s great!” to “It looks like your friend Amy broke up with her boyfriend. How’s she doing with that?” If you see behavior or posts by your teen or his/her friends that concerns you, you need to talk about that too and revisit what is and is not appropriate or safe.

2) Ask your teens their opinion on how much personal information you should post publicly on your own Facebook account. This will help you talk to them about the kinds of things they should and should not post. Help your teens understand how they are portraying themselves online. What do her pictures say about her? What do his posts communicate about how he thinks? Talk about the kind of reputation they want to have and how their online behavior shapes that. Remind your teen that potential employers or college admissions officers look at Facebook profiles too.

3) Create a Family Internet Agreement. How old do your kids need to be to join Facebook? How much time are they allowed to spend online? What are the rules for using the internet (i.e., no Facebook until homework is done)? Talk to your kids about the value of face-to-face time in building genuine relationships and how online communication can limit relationships.

4) Be Friends: Friend your kids. Friend their friends. Don’t be shy! Yeah, it might feel like you’re “stalking” your kids, but it’s your job as a parent to be aware of what is going on in your children’s lives. So much of teenagers’ relationships take place online now, so it’s good idea to be in that space with them. Talk to your teens about this – let them know that you’re not trying to spy on them, but that you want to be aware of what’s going on in their life because you care about them.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Tips for talking about tough topics

Need tips about talking to your kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol? The National Fatherhood Initiative offers these suggestions:

1) Lead by example.  Kids will model what they see you doing.

2) Know the difference between hypocrisy and growth.  If you’ve made mistakes in the past when it comes to drugs, sex, or alcohol, it’s not hypocritical to talk to your children about avoiding those same mistakes. You’ve grown and learned from your mistakes and your kids can learn from your experience.


3) Strengthen the emotional health of your kids.  Emotional pain easily leads to the use of drugs, including the use of sex as a drug.  Your committed presence in your kids' lives—your unconditional love, attentiveness, and, yes, even occasionally "getting in their face" in a loving way—will go a long way to boost their emotional stability and prevent them from becoming vulnerable to harmful activities.


4) Be age-appropriate.  Until they’re at an age when they need to know about sex, drugs, or alcohol in depth, don’t overexpose them to these mature topics by giving them too much information too soon. That being said, if you don't take the initiative to introduce them to these topics in an appropriate time and way, someone else who might not have the best of intentions will. Be discerning about what your kids need to know based on their age, but don't shy away from the topic if they ask questions before you think they (or you!) are ready.


5) Talk often and candidly.  Put your foot down firmly and have rules and boundaries, but know that there will be situations that you have to walk them through rather than keep them from. Having open conversations about the tough, awkward topics before you get to this point will make it a lot easier for you and your kids to work through the situation together when it happens.


6) Talk about the consequences clearly. A lot of what teens hear hides the truth about the long-term consequences. They’re told that having sex will make them a man/woman or that getting drunk/high is just about having fun – but not the reality that those activities bring serious emotional and physical risks. A characteristic of adolescence is the inability to think and plan long-term – guide your teens on the path to adulthood by helping them think through the lies they’re told and discern the long-term consequences and risks of dangerous activity.


7) Listen well and encourage your kids to talk openly with you. Preaching at your kids, not listening to them or inviting them to share or ask questions, and overreacting can shut down communication. When communication shuts down, teens cut themselves off from those who love and can help them the most—their parents. Keep those communication lines open by giving your kids a chance to talk about their experiences or concerns and ask questions. Make sure you listen respectively.

Getting rid of guilt

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a great little article called "5 Ways to Get Rid of Guilt".

As the parent of a pregnant daughter who is not married, it's a safe bet that you sometimes feel guilt. You may feel guilty because you think you weren't hard enough on your daughter, or maybe you've been too hard on her since you found out she is pregnant. Or maybe you feel guilty because you think you have failed as a parent.

You are not alone in your struggle with guilty feelings. God uses guilty feelings to point out to us that we have made bad choices. But once you confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and determine to not make that mistake again, any remaining guilty feelings need to be scrubbed out.

When dealing with guilt about your pregnant daughter, first ask God to forgive you for your failings. Then consider these points from the NFI:

1) Admit to your kids that you are not perfect. (They know it anyway.) But say it out loud to them and say you are sorry. Ask your kids to forgive you.

2) Don't compare yourself to other parents that you think are doing better than you. Focus instead on following God right now, and being the kind of parent your children need you to be. Be realistic... you can't accomplish everything, you can't be perfect. Be involved with your kids, be responsible, and be committed to them. Let the other things go.

3) Look forward. If you've confessed your mistakes and asked for forgiveness, then stop beating yourself up, stop dwelling on the mistake. Don't focus on the past. Instead, focus on who you want to become and how you would like your family to be in the future.

Application for permission to date my daughter

This is meant to be funny, but it makes a good point.

Application for permission to date my daughter
1. Name :__________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________
City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :______________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________
How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________

If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )

I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Signature (that means your name)________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.


The point of this joke is this: how well do you know the boys that your teen daughter is dating? For that matter, how well does SHE know them? What basic requirements would you like to insist upon for someone to date your daughter? What qualities are on her list of requirements for a dating partner? Talk to your children about this joke dating application. What is their reaction to it?

Stress busters

It is obvious that any family that has a pregnant teenager or pregnant college student will feel stress. The National Fatherhood Initiative offers their top ten tips for dealing with stress:

1) Exercise. Do some double duty and do exercise together as a family - take a walk, ride bikes, throw a ball or a frisbee, etc.

2) Eat right. Your pregnant daughter needs healthy food for herself and her baby, but the rest of you need healthy food too. Stop buying the junk food. If it isn't in the house, you won't eat it!

3) Get some sleep. Adults need a minimum of 6 hours of sleep every day. Eight is better. Go to bed at the same time every night in order to train your body.

4) List priorities. "Think about all the “shoulds,” “woulds", “coulds,” and “musts” in your life. Figure out which are worth keeping and which to get rid of and focus on what you feel is most important – don’t try to do it all."

5) Laugh. Having a pregnant daughter who isn't married isn't a laughing matter. So you'll have to be deliberate to find something to laugh at. Maybe the comics in the newspaper? Maybe a comedy show?

6) Vent your feelings. But find a safe time and place to do so. No need to hurt others simply by venting. Write in a journal. Talk to a counselor or religious leader. Get coffee and talk. Take a walk and talk. Share your feelings. Then talk about the problems and invent solutions.

7) Leave work at work. We often train ourselves to keep our home problems internal while we are at work. Try the same with work problems... leave them at work so they don't interfere with your family life.

8) Spend time with friends. This doesn't have to be hours and hours... just a quick coffee together. Or a walk. But don't isolate yourself from your support network. You may feel embarassed that your daughter is pregnant and not married. You may worry about what your friends will say (and it's true that they likely will say *something*), but you need friendships. Figure out which of your friends are trustworthy, and which are just gossips.

9) Volunteer/give. Volunteering to help others will help you get the focus off your stresses for a little while. You don't have to spend hours and hours on this. Often something simple but meaningful can be more therapeutic than a huge endeavor. Maybe you can get double benefit out of volunteering in some way. For example, maybe you and your pregnant daughter can babysit a young child for a few hours. This way your daughter can have a small glimpse at the skills she needs if she's going to parent; and it gives you and your daughter the chance to talk about approaches to parenting.

10) Pursue your hobby. An activity that can help you escape and have a bit of fun will help you relax and re-energize. So set aside a small time to do something you love: read a chapter in a fun book; pull weeds from the garden; take a class at the recreation center; etc.

Pick just one of these ideas to get started. Don't add stress by overloading yourself, even with things that are supposed to be stress relieving.

Teen pregnancy, poverty, and unfinished education

The January 2010 policy brief from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is on the topic of the link between teen pregnancy and poverty.

Talk to your kids about these statistics:

1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?

2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?

3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?

4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?

5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?

6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.

You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)

To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.

To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption

November is Adoption Awareness Month. Discuss the following information with your pregnant daughter, even if you and/or she currently are not even considering adoption.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption, by Adoptive Families Magazine.\

Facts:
As of the 2000 Census, there were 1.5 million children under the age of 18 in America who joined their family through adoption, 2% of all children in the U.S.

In the U.S., there are 5 million people today who were adopted. More than 100,000 children are adopted each year.

94% of all Americans view adoption favorably.

Myth: Birthparents are all troubled teens.
Reality: Most birthparents today are over 18, but lack the resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.

Myth: Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than birth children.
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.

Myth: Open adoption causes problems for children.
Reality: Adoptees are not confused by contact with their birthparents. They benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life but their forever families take care of and nurture them.

Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are not the result of nor guaranteed by biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.

Teen Ethics

In October, 2008, the organization "Junior Achievement" conducted a survey of 750 teens aged 12-17. The topic was teen ethics and whether teens felt they were ready to make ethical/moral decisions in the work environment.

46% of the teens said it is sometimes acceptable to lie to parents or guardians. 61% of the teens said they had lied to their parent/guardian in the last 12 months. Why was it acceptable? To cover up a situation, to help a friend, and peer pressure.

54% of the teens consider their parents to be their behavioral role model, but only 21% said they feel they are accountable to their parents for behavior.

An article titled "Ethical Fitness" by Elizabeth Foy Larsen in the October 2009 issue of Family Circle gives some tips:
1) Reinforce family values by having your "kids help you write a list of nonnegotiable values."
2) Sign your child up for a values-based group such as a religious organization.
3) Teach that achievements are earned, that they are not achieved by quick results.

Talk to your daughter about these statistics and tips. Did she lie to you about her sexual activity or the fact that she was pregnant? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving my daughter" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"

Adopting Your Daughter's Child

Recently there has been a lot of talk about Levi Johnston's comments to a magazine that Bristol Palin's mother had wanted to keep Bristol's pregnancy a secret and then adopt the baby as her own. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2004 over 2.4 million grandparents were primary caregivers for their grandchildren, though this is not always via adoption.

Formally adopting your daughter's child as your own child is definitely an option that can be considered. We talk about this option in the chapter "Should We Adopt the Baby?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". In our book, we say:

I am entirely opposed to grandparents adopting their grandchild IF they plan to pretend it is their own child and perpetuate a family secret. I have never found that family secrets bring good, but have often found they bring distrust, anger, and lie upon lie. Secrecy causes shame, guilt, fear, isolation and defensivness. If you plan to formally adopt your grandchild, the truth should be spoken from the beginning. The child's mother should be identified as such. One of the main complications with adoption inside the family is that when a daughter matures and is on her feet, she may feel that she has the right to reclaim her child. This can cause anguish and turmoil for everyone.

Whether you plan to adopt your grandchild or simply be the legal guardian, you need to talk with a lawyer to create the proper legal paperwork that supports this relationship.

In addition, the decision must rest with your pregnant daughter... she must carefully consider every option and make her own decision on what is best for her child.

Parents: You Matter! Webinar

Boys & Girls Clubs of America and The Partnership for a Drug Free America present a webinar on August 25, 2009 titled

Parents: You Matter!

The webinar will present parent-friendly tools and resources that will give attendees information about why kids use drugs and alcohol, and what parents need to know to help and protect their children. Resources will be made available to all attendees, including the presentation, annotated script and other tools. Sign up here.

Your Young-Adult Child

The National Fatherhood Initiative gives some pointers that can help you and your pregnant daughter improve her maturity and independance.

1) Legal documents. "Once turned 18, your son/daughter is legally an adult, able to enter into contracts and agreements without your permission." Talk to your daughter about her responsibility to read such documents carefully and to keep her end of the agreement. Offer to review any contracts or agreements for her before she signs them.

2) Making mistakes. Your pregnant daughter needs to move rapidly toward maturity since she is now responsible for her child's life in addition to her own life. She will make mistakes. You need to allow room for some mistakes that will help her learn valuable lessons, and be there to guide her as she picks up the pieces. You should not shield her from consequences..they are valuable to her growth as a person. On the other extreme, you may not need to impose extra consequences either.

3) Keeping records. Help your pregnant daughter set up a filing system to store her important personal documents such as her resume, bank statements, utilities statements, credit card statements, and other documents.

4) Focus on a goal. Talk to your pregnant daughter about her goal for the next 4 years. Does she need to finish high school? Finish college? Get vocational training? Get a job? Help your daughter get career guidance as soon as possible... this may be available at her school, or from a private counselor.

5) Relationships. Talk with your pregnant daughter about the important people in her life. Help her evaluate each relationship because she'll likely become more like the people she spends the most time with. Do her current friends act like the person she wants to be in five years?

6) Banking. If your pregnant daughter doesn't already have a checking account, go with her to the bank. Have her take the lead in setting up an account, but be there with her. Make sure she knows how to balance her account, and how to record transactions. Teach her about shopping for the best deals. Make a budget for her expenses. Go "window" shopping to start calculating how much money she will need to earn to pay for her baby's expenses.

7) Budgeting. Help your daughter write down a budget, even if you are paying all or most of her living expenses. "The important skill to develop here is minding money: how much and where it comes from, as well as where it goes. Encourage them to actively manage their money and find ways to save even a little for the “unexpecteds” that come everyone’s way." The chapter titled "Should she parent alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" has a list of items to put into such a budget.

8) Prioritize and plan. "Teens are notorious for putting off the serious “stuff of life,” because to them it gets in the way of life itself." Help your pregnant daughter write down a plan of the next five years of her life. Put dates on events and action items. Be specific in the things she wants to do over that time period.

Evaluating a relationship

Rose Publishing has a great booklet titled "100 Things To Know When Dating" (or "100 Things to Know Before Dating and Marriage").

This is well worth getting. It has discussion questions about goals and interests, character, personality, family and friends, and background. These questions help you determine if you really know the person well. The booklet also has a "risk quiz", advice from the Bible about courtship and marriage, and tips on how to make break-ups less painful and how to recover from a break-up.

Parents of tweens should discuss these questions in relation to the tweens friends... are the friends beneficial to your tween?

Parents of teens should discuss these questions in relation to current friends and especially potential dating partners.

Parents of pregnant daughters should discuss these questions in relation to the baby's father, regardless of the age of the pregnant daughter.

Some of the questions in the booklet are:

1. How often does his/her family get together?
2. Does this person get along with other people in his or her family?
3. Does this person seem to have a vital relationship with God or does he or she just say religious things? (1 John 2:3-6)
4. Does he or she joke or brag about doing wrong things? (Proverbs 10:23)
5. Does this person flirt with others or treat you with respect? (1 Corinthians 13)
6. Is he or she irritable, unforgiving, stubborn or looking for an opportunity to take revenge? (Matthew 5:38-39)
7. Does he or she talk about past relationships often?
8. Is their anything about him or her you would not want your parents or friends to know?
9. Does this person still live at home? Why?
10. Does this person do kind and loving things for others without being asked?
11. Does this person have odd opinions, poor manners, or trouble keeping friends?
12. Do you find yourself apologizing for his/her behavior?
13. Does he/she hold you down and tickle you when it is no longer fun?

14 Characteristics of Successful People

With your pregnant daughter, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen. Give yourself one point for each of these traits that you have, and your daughter gets a point for each trait she has.

According to productivity expert Jeffrey J. Mayer, successful people have 14 traits in common. They are:
1. have a dream
2. follow a plan
3. have specific knowledge
4. are willing to work hard
5. don't take no for an answer
6. are strongly motivated
7. are focused
8. learn how to get things done
9. take responsibility for their actions
10. make decisions
11. are self-reliant
12. look for solutions
13. cooperate with other people
14. are enthusiastic

What did each of you score?
Which success traits do you lack? Which success traits does your pregnant daughter lack? What actions can you and she take to improve these areas?
Which success traits do you possess? Which does she possess? Start by acknowledging your strong points and promising yourself to improve them. Experience shows that you'll make more progress by improving your strengths than by correcting your weaknesses.

1. have a dream. What are your daughter's dreams for her child? For her own education? For her career? For her personal life?

2. follow a plan. Sit down and write out a plan of how your pregnant daughter will reach for her dreams. Exactly how will she finish her education? Exactly what training does she need for a career that can support her? Exactly what does she need to do to improve her personal life? Be as specific as possible. Add dates where possible.

3. have specific knowledge. What does your pregnant daughter need to learn about in order to follow her dreams? What does she need to learn about in order to make a solid decision about parenting/adoption, and her relationships? Where can she get this knowledge?

4. are willing to work hard. How much time and effort is your daughter honestly willing to put into being successful as a parent/spouse/employee?

5. don't take no for an answer. Does your daughter get discouraged easily? How could she improve her self-confidence and resolve so that she can tackle the many challenges she will face in life?

6. are strongly motivated. What does your daughter feel are the things that motivate her? Money? Friends? Fun? A dream? Are these motivations enough to help her face obstacles?

7. are focused. What are the focuses of your daughter's life? Does she feel she needs to change her focus to other things? If so, what?

8. learn how to get things done. Does your daughter follow-through on tasks and complete them? Does she need to learn how to break down tasks so that they aren't so overwhelming?

9. take responsibility for their actions. Does your daughter take responsibility for her actions that contributed to her pregnancy and lifestyle?

10. make decisions. Has your daughter learned decision-making skills such as making pro/con lists so that she can evaluate a decision and then stick to it?

11. are self-reliant. Does your pregnant daughter expect everyone else to cater to her whims?

12. look for solutions. Does your daughter seek solutions to her problems, or simply whine about them and hope that someone else will take action?

13. cooperate with other people. Does your daughter allow other people to help her, and does she help other people in turn?

14. are enthusiastic. What topics is your daughter enthusiastic about? Is she enthusiastic about being a single parent? Or about getting married? Or should she look at adoption so that a family that is enthusiastic about being parents can pour their energy into her child?

Strategies for parenting teens

The National Fatherhood Initiative offers a few tips to help parents survive the teen years.

1) Remember that raising your kids is a journey, and that the teen years will end. Focus on growing your teens into responsible, mature adults. What skills does your pregnant teen daughter need to learn in order to face the challenges of being a mother? What guidance does she need in order to consider making an adoption plan for her child?

2) "Recognize individuality. Take time to get to know your teen and his quirks, interests, and moods and feelings. Recognize the individual she is and praise her unique qualities. The teen years are full of stress and insecurity, and your child needs your affirmation." Look for ways to praise your pregnant daughter when she makes good choices and demonstrates good behaviors now, even though her previous choices and behaviors were not so great. Find a way to encourage her character, not just her actions.

3) "Seek To Understand. Look at the magazines your teen is reading, the shows she is watching, and meet his friends. Taking note of your teen's world will help you understand what he/she is going through." The more involved you are with your teen, the better your relationship will be and the more likely that your teens will talk to you about problems before they become a huge mess.

4) Listen. Ask your kids about their hopes, dreams and interests. Help your pregnant daughter brainstorm on how she can reach her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her to refocus on her interests and finish her education?

5) "Love. Always look for the potential in your kids and let them know that you love them." You do not have to approve of all your daughter's actions in order to tell her that you love her. Let her know that she has potential for the future and help her examine choices that will lead her toward that potential.

Free Webinar: Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting

The National Fatherhood Institute will be offering a free webinar on Thursday, June 25, 2pm-3pm Eastern Time. The topic is "Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting"

Learn strategies for successfully balancing your life with your teen's, and for navigating the ups and downs of the teen years. This webinar will help you balance work and family priorities while developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with your teen(s).

The information on how to join the Webinar and to participate in the teleconference will be provided in a separate e-mail after you confirm your registration.

System Requirements
PC-based attendees Required: Windows® 2000, XP Home, XP Pro, 2003 Server, Vista
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5 Life Roles of a Teenage Mother

Your pregnant teen daughter needs your help with the five roles she is juggling. Your local pregnancy help center may have classes that can help your daughter with the information she needs.

1) Teenager. "Teenage mothers think and act like teenagers. Just like any other teenager, they can be self-centered and may find it difficult to plan for the future. ... Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, getting along with parents, and what to do after high school."

2) Mother. "Our society views motherhood as something special. We believe mothers should provide security and stability for their children. A mother must sacrifice many of her own wants and desires for the benefit of her child. But most teens have not reached this level of maturity. Teenage mothers may want to be good mothers but lack parenting skills (information on nutrition, child discipline, and other topics that will help teenage mothers rear and provide for their children)."

3) Student. "Finishing high school is a critical step toward independence for the teen mom."

4) Employee. "Many believe that it would be best if the mothers did not work and instead spent the majority of their time with their children. While this may be the ideal situation, the fact remains that many teenage mothers must work in order to provide for their children. In order to help those mothers who will need to work, ...cover such topics as: how to find quality childcare, how to dress for a job interview, how to interview for a job, and how to become a reliable and valued employee."

5) Seeker. "Finally, most teenage mothers are either unsaved or have wandered away from Christ. The primary problem for these teen moms is spiritual, even though they may not realize it at first. The teenage mother must be reconciled to Christ before she can experience the healing that comes from forgiveness and find the new purpose and direction she needs."

The information in this post is summarized from an article titled "The Five Life Roles of a Teenage Mother" by Christa March, in "At the Center" magazine, Winter 2004.

We discuss some of this information in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Supporting my daughter as she makes decisions", "The pregnancy resource center", "Completing school", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas

A recent article on CNN was titled "Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas" and says that "Latinas now have the highest teen birth rate among all ethnic and racial groups in the United States." The article listed several statistics:

• 53% of Latinas get pregnant in their teens, about twice the national average.
• 84% of Latino teens and 91% of Latino parents believe that graduating from college or having a career is the most important goal for a teen's future.
• "In 2007, the birth rate among non-Hispanic whites ages 15 to 19 was 27.2 per 1,000, and 64.3 per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black teens in the same age range. The teen birth rate among Hispanic teens ages 15 to 19 was 81.7 per 1,000."
• "Of the 759 Latino teens surveyed, 49 percent said their parents most influenced their decisions about sex, compared with 14 percent who cited friends. Three percent cited religious leaders, 2 percent teachers and 2 percent the media."
• "74 percent of Latino teens believe that parents send one message about sex to their sons and a different message altogether to their daughters, possibly related to the Latino value of machismo."
• "72 percent of sexually experienced teens say they wish they had waited."
• "34 percent of Latino teens believe that being a teen parent would prevent them from reaching their goals, but 47 percent say being a teen parent would simply delay them from reaching their goals."
• "76 percent said it is important to be married before starting a family."
• 69% of Latino teen moms drop out of high school.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics. Does she believe that graduation from college is an important goal for her life? Who does she think most influences her decisions about sex: you (her parents), friends, religious leaders, teachers, or the media? Does she feel that you send her one message about sex but a different message to her brothers? Does she wish she had waited to have sex? Does she think that being a mother will prevent her from reaching her goals, or simply delay her goals?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Who is the pregnant single mother?" and "Completing school" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

"God, Why?"

Yesterday we blogged about the possible dangers of a teen daughter dating someone who is several years older than herself. Earlier in the week we blogged about warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Here's a real-life example that appeared in "The Elliot Institute News" from the Leader in Post-Abortion Research, Vol. 8, No. 6 -- April 16, 2009.

"God, Why?"
One Woman Shares Her Personal Story

I was living in Texas, with my mom, dad, and four brothers. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother was sick most of my childhood life, in and out of hospitals and mental institutions.

Then in the eighth grade I met someone who was 19 years old (I was only 14 years old.) I think I leaned on him for support because my dad had moved to another state for job reasons and my mom was sick. In some ways I was a little mother for my four brothers.

My boyfriend abused me by slapping me and controlling everything I did. I was just a child. I didn't realize then how serious my situation was. We started having sex and I got pregnant.

My mother decided I should have an abortion and my boyfriend gave me the money to go. My oldest brother took me to Dallas to have the abortion. I was only four weeks pregnant.

When I walked into the abortion clinic, I remember seeing so many young, scared faces just like mine. …. I remember waking up in a room all alone and scared. I went home and little did I know that my trouble and pain were just beginning.

I was still being abused by my boyfriend and then my mother was sick. I had to live with an aunt I did not know.

My two younger brothers lived with different aunts and I and my older brothers stayed in Texas. I had lost my family and until then hadn't realized how my abortion affected me.

Time went by and I met new friends but I was still a very hurt and confused teenager. I was watching TV one evening and a show came on about conceiving a baby and how it grows inside the mother's womb. Then it talked about abortion.

For the first time in my life I realized what I had done. I started crying and screaming. I ran into my bedroom and hit the walls with my fists. I was sobbing, “God, why?” I cried for hours.

I am 33 years old now and still there are days when I cry. Every day of my life I have pain inside of me.

I think it should be a law for women, especially teenagers, to see a film on abortion before they decide to have one. I know it would have saved my baby's life.

I don't blame my mother because she still saw me as a child … I carry the responsibility and the pain.

~~~

Learn more: For more personal stories of abortion, including coerced, forced and unwanted abortions, visit www.TheUnchoice.com.

More personal stories and a reflection on the personal and social obstacles women often face before, during and after abortion, can be found in the book Giving Sorrow Words: Women's Stories of Grief After Abortion, by Melinda Tankard Reist.