The growing cultural divide

Charles Murray, whose book Losing Ground redefined the debate about welfare and the underclass thirty years ago, has a new book, Coming Apart. The book is about the increasing cultural divide among white Americans.

Murray shows clearly the growing cultural divide between white middle-to-upper class communities and white working-class communities. In 1960, the two communities, despite differences in income and educational attainment, were statistically-similar when it came to marriage, out-of-wedlock births, and religion. Around 1970, the gap widened, and by 2010 it was better described as a “chasm.”

Whereas 83% of those in upper-class communities are married, only 48% of those in working-class communities are married. 

While 6% of births among upper-class communities are to unmarried mothers, 44% of those in working communities are. 

And most surprisingly of all, middle-to-upper-middle class Americans are more likely to attend religious services on a regular basis than working-class Americans.

Source: Breakpoint

Real stories: Ann Forster

Ann was 19 and a sophomore in college when she found she was pregnant.  She tells her story in the Fall 2007 edition of The American Feminist.  Here is her story; read it to your pregnant daughter and talk about it.

I went to my boyfriend and told him and he was also shocked —we’d done what we thought would prevent this—and dismayed—he was also a sophomore in college, and like me, loving the luxuries of lots of free time and not a lot of responsibility. He hugged me and told me we’d figure it out, and drove me to Taco Bell for a bean burrito.

We went to the doctor, who did an ultrasound, which confirmed that I was six weeks pregnant, and gave us a glimpse of a little beating heart. We then drove the 2½ hours to his parents’ house. They were the “accepting ones”; the ones that we were sure would react with disappointment at the timing, but not with anger at our “irresponsible behavior.” But that was not what we got. His parents immediately jumped to the conclusion that abortion was the solution.

To say I never considered abortion would be dishonest. Of course I did. It is portrayed as the quick fix. The solution that costs the least in time, money and responsibility. Of course I considered it. But that’s not what I had chosen. I felt betrayed, alone and angry. Especially angry that this boy who I loved, and who professed to love me, with whom I had been in a relationship for more than a year—this boy, in response to his family’s position, adopted a new one. He said, “I love you, but this is a bad idea. Make it go away or I will go away.”

His mother, a proud feminist, warned me I would never succeed if I had a baby in college; that we needed to “terminate the pregnancy” so that her son and I could move into life as “unencumbered adults.”

I told my parents—the ones we were convinced would not react well; the ones we were sure would react with judgment— but they responded with unconditional support. And a feeling of indignation rose up in me. “Can’t succeed?” I thought, “Really? Have I not been raised to be and strived to be a strong woman? A capable woman? Does this right to choose for which I have argued so vehemently mean I don’t really have a choice? Can’t succeed? Really? Let’s find out.”

And so I did. I went to school full time until May and Ada was born June 17th. I lived in the dorm—I was comically huge, but I had a housing scholarship that I was not willing to give up. My professors embraced my choice—excusing me as I ran to the bathroom with morning sickness, laughing with me as it got harder and harder to squeeze into a desk, but also demanding my best effort on papers, in discussions. One professor said, “You know, Ann Lowrey, if you are going to be a woman who succeeds professionally, a little old pregnancy cannot turn off your brain.”

While I was pregnant, I competed on the mock trial team I had founded the year before. After Ada was born, I served two more terms as president of that organization. I wrote weekly opinion columns for the school paper. Ada sat in my lap as I read philosophy treatises for my philosophy of law class. I laughed a lot.

I was not able to do this because I am super woman—or because being a single mother and a full-time student at 20 is easy. I was able to do it because of the support I received. The mounds of emotional support and the financial resources provided by my academic scholarships and my family. These resources ensured that we never wanted for diapers or baby food or child care.

Patricia Heaton, two-time Emmy winner, honorary chair of Feminists For Life and Debra on “Everybody Loves Raymond,” who currently stars on “Back to You,” says, “Women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserve unplanned joy.” I did not get to spend a semester in Vienna as I had planned. But I did graduate with honors, on time, with two majors, and I have the most wonderful little girl who, rather than ruining my life and preventing me from succeeding, has only created new challenges and ways in which I can succeed.  And along the way, I realized that while I never stopped being a feminist, I was now a pro-life feminist.

My best friend, Paul, and I married two years after Ada was born, two weeks before he and I both defended our senior theses—his on education and mine on the deliberate blocking by Planned Parenthood and NOW of any pro-life Supreme Court justice. He adopted Ada in June 2007. A few months after we married, Paul and I found ourselves expecting. Ada has a new baby brother, and I am more and more proud of my role as a mother. If we work to ensure that the thousands of young women who find themselves pregnant in college every year have the resources Ada and I had, there can be unplanned joy. Let’s do that together.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Ann's story.  How did your daughter's partner react when she told him that she was pregnant?  Did he change his mind later?  How did your daughter expect each set of grandparents to react to the pregnancy news?  Did she expect you to have a very difficult reaction?  What emotional and financial support are you able to offer your daughter?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Story: Nikki Parsons

Nikki Parsons tells her story:

She was 17 when she got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas Eve. She says she was scared to death. She was contemplating abortion, but "I knew in my heart I couldn't abort my child, and after seeing the ultrasound my decision was clear."

She kept her pregnancy hidden for three months. "My biggest obstacle was my own thoughts of shame and the betrayal of close friends. For many nights, I cried myself to sleep feeling so alone."

When she finally told everyone, her family and ex-boyfriend (father of the baby) were supportive, even though her mother cried and her father expressed his stress with chain-smoking.

The baby's father begged her not to abort but to give birth and let him raise the child if she didn't want to. She talked to him a few times, but had very little to do with him during her pregnancy. But after an emergency C-section birth, the baby's father re-entered her life to stay.

"Four weeks after bringing my daughter home from the hospital, I started my senior year in high school. My parents and boyfriend's mother would watch my daughter during the day while I was in class. Three years later, we married and now we have two more wonderful children. I am now 30 years old and am in the process of completing my bachelor's degree in social work. Life has not been easy, having many trials and tribulations along the way. My best advice to teenage mothers is never to give up hope on their dreams and love your children with all your heart because they are a blessing no matter what the circumstances."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Nikki's story. What were her feelings when she got a positive pregnancy test? Did she think about aborting her child? What does she think of Nikki's advice to love her child with all her heart because children are a blessing no matter the circumstances? While she was waiting to tell everyone about being pregnant, what were her fears of how people would react? What are your daughter's plans for finishing school? Does your daughter want to marry the baby's father?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Should They Marry?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, or join us on Facebook!

Return of Multi-Generational Homes

The Pew Research Center recently released its findings about multiple generations living in the same house together.

"As of 2008, a record 49 million Americans, or 16.1% of the total U.S. population, lived in a family household that contained at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of census data."

With a pregnant daughter, you may be a part of this demographic. Will your daughter and your grandchild be living in your house after your daughter gives birth? Or will you be raising your grandchild while your daughter lives elsewhere?

"Of the 49 million Americans living in a multi-generational family household... 6% are in a "skipped" generation household made up of a grandparent and grandchild, but no parent."

This situation, where the grandparents are raising a grandchild while the parent lives elsewhere, occurs about 7% of the time among Caucasians, 4% of the time among Latinos, 13% of the time among Blacks, and 1% of the time among Asians.

While the economy is a factor, another reason that multiple generations are living together includes the trend of young people getting married at an older age than previously.

"The typical man now marries for the first time at age 28 and the typical women at age 26. For both genders, this is about five years older than it was in 1970."

We've discussed housing issues several times in this blog. Click on the "Housing" topic link below for more entries about housing. We list discussion topics about housing in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Attitudes About Marriage

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"The median age at first marriage in 1960 was 20 for women, by 2006, the median age had risen to 26. Men marry later than do women, with a median first marriage age of 23 in 1960 and 28 in 2006."

"83% of unmarried respondents reported that they thought it was important or very important to be married someday, compared with 5% who considered it unimportant and 12% who felt it was only somewhat important."

But only 26% of young adults surveyed said that they would like to be married right NOW. 44% of young adults in cohabiting relationships reported that they would currently like to be married.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. What are their thoughts about marriage? At what age would they like to be married? Are they currently in a relationship that could lead to marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Should they marry?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" and discuss it with your pregnant daughter.

Attitudes About Cohabitation

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"According to national estimates, the proportion of women that had cohabited by their late thirties has steadily increased from 30 percent in 1987, to almost 50 percent in 1995, to 61 percent by 2002."

The survey asked the question, "It is all right for an unmarried couple to live together even if they are not interested in considering marriage." 57% of survey respondants agreed with this statement, 19% were neutral, and 24% disagreed. 46% of married young adults agreed, 70% of young adults currently cohabiting agreed, 59% of those in a relationship but not living together agreed, and 60% of those not in any relationship agreed.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and family about these statistics. What are your opinions about marriage and cohabitation? What does your family think and why?

Evaluating a relationship

Rose Publishing has a great booklet titled "100 Things To Know When Dating" (or "100 Things to Know Before Dating and Marriage").

This is well worth getting. It has discussion questions about goals and interests, character, personality, family and friends, and background. These questions help you determine if you really know the person well. The booklet also has a "risk quiz", advice from the Bible about courtship and marriage, and tips on how to make break-ups less painful and how to recover from a break-up.

Parents of tweens should discuss these questions in relation to the tweens friends... are the friends beneficial to your tween?

Parents of teens should discuss these questions in relation to current friends and especially potential dating partners.

Parents of pregnant daughters should discuss these questions in relation to the baby's father, regardless of the age of the pregnant daughter.

Some of the questions in the booklet are:

1. How often does his/her family get together?
2. Does this person get along with other people in his or her family?
3. Does this person seem to have a vital relationship with God or does he or she just say religious things? (1 John 2:3-6)
4. Does he or she joke or brag about doing wrong things? (Proverbs 10:23)
5. Does this person flirt with others or treat you with respect? (1 Corinthians 13)
6. Is he or she irritable, unforgiving, stubborn or looking for an opportunity to take revenge? (Matthew 5:38-39)
7. Does he or she talk about past relationships often?
8. Is their anything about him or her you would not want your parents or friends to know?
9. Does this person still live at home? Why?
10. Does this person do kind and loving things for others without being asked?
11. Does this person have odd opinions, poor manners, or trouble keeping friends?
12. Do you find yourself apologizing for his/her behavior?
13. Does he/she hold you down and tickle you when it is no longer fun?

Five Myths on Fathers and Family

The National Review recently ran an article titled "Five Myths on Fathers and Family" by W. Bradford Wilcox (a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia). Here are a few interesting tidbits from that article.

1) The 'Mr. Mom' Surge is a myth. America has 22.5 million married familes with children under the age of 15. Less than 1% of these had a stay-at-home dad in 2008, but 24% had a stay-at-home mom.

What does your single-and-pregnant daughter envision for her role as mother? Does she desire to be a stay-at-home mom?

2) Myth: Women want everything 50/50. While married mothers do want fathers to contribute to housework and childcare, most do not insist on 50/50 because they count his full-time job as a contribution to the household. "A 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20% of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72% of fathers with children under 18."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter desire to work full-time, or would she prefer to work only part-time or not at all? If the baby's father will be involved in raising their child, what expectations does she have about his contributions to childcare and support? Does the baby's father desire to work full time?

3) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper. "Experts now estimate that about 40% of American children will spend some time in a cohabiting household, either because they are born into such a household or because one of their parents cohabits after a breakup. ... On average, cohabiting fathers do not compare with married fathers. As Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland and Kermyt Anderson of the University of Oklahoma found in a recent study, married fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their children than are cohabiting fathers. In fact, from their research, they conclude 'that marriage per se confers advantage in terms of father involvement above and beyond the characteristics of the fathers themselves.' Married fathers are also much more likely than their cohabiting peers to stick around. One recent study by Wendy Manning at Bowling Green State and Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan found that 50% of children born to cohabiting parents saw their parents break up by age five; by comparison, only 15% of children born to married parents saw their parents divorce by age five. Dad is much more likely to stick around if he has a wedding ring on his finger."

Paul Amato's research summarizes results that cohabiting parents tend to "have less education, earn less income, report poorer relationship quality, and experience more mental health problems" than parents who are married.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about this research. Does she want her child's father to stick around? If so, what is keeping them from getting married?

4) Myth: Divorce doesn't hurt children; single-parenting doesn't hurt children. "According to research by Sara McLanahan of Princeton University and Paul Amato of Penn State, girls whose parents divorce are about twice as likely to drop out of high school, to become pregnant as teenagers, and to suffer from psychological problems such as depression and thoughts of suicide. Girls whose parents divorce are also much more likely to divorce later in life."

In Amato's article in "The Future of Children", he points out that children born to single parents "reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, and are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression" than children raised in a two-parent family.

Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur "found that 31% of youth with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared with 37% of youth born outside marriage," compared to 13% of youth whose parents were continuously married. "Similarly, 33% of daughters with divorced parents had a teen birth, compared to 37% of daughters born outside marriage" and 11% of daughters with continuously married parents. "Other studies that have compared offspring in these two groups yield similar results with respect to occupational attainment, earned income, depression, and the risk of seeing one's own marriage end in divorce."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? or at all? A father-figure is very important in the development of children. The statistics above indicate that children with married parents are less likely to have problems. They also indicate that children do a little better in a divorced family than in a single-parent family. What does your daughter think about these statistics? Do they encourage her to get married or to examine an adoption plan so her child can be raised by married parents?

5) Myth: Dads are dispensable. "Children typically do better in an intact, married families with their fathers than they do in families headed by single mothers."

"Fathers bring distinctive talents to the parenting enterprise. The work of psychologist Ross Parke, for instance, indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to engage their children in vigorous physical play (e.g., roughhousing), to challenge their children — including their daughters — to embrace life’s challenges, and to be firm disciplinarians."

"Not surprisingly, children benefit from being exposed to the distinctive paternal style. Sociologist David Eggebeen has shown, for instance, that teenagers are significantly less likely to suffer from depression and delinquency when they have involved and affectionate fathers, even after controlling for the quality of their relationship with their mother. In his words, “What these analyses clearly show is that mothers and fathers both make vital contributions to adolescent well-being.”"

"Linda Carroll at MSNBC has written an incisive story showing that involved and affectionate fathers play a crucial role in steering their daughters away from early sexual activity; in fact, it turns out that dads are more important than moms in protecting their teenage daughters from early sex."

Who will play the role of father-figure for your daughter's child? If no one is able or willing to make this commitment, she should consider making an adoption plan that involves a married couple.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

The connection between marriage and children

A recent BreakPoint commentary titled "An Unhappy Trend" summarized some recent statistics from the CDC:

• 40% of American babies born in 2007 were born to unmarried mothers.
• Compare this 40% to the statistic for 2002, when 34% of American babies were born to unmarried mothers.
• In 2007, only 23% of out-of-wedlock births were to unmarried teenagers.
• In 2007, 77% of out-of-wedlock births were to women in their 20s and 30s.
• In 2007, 60% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 20s.
• In 2007, 17% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 30s.

The commentary looks at how marriage and childbearing have been separated from each other.

Marriage is no longer seen as an institution whose ends have a communal, as well as personal, purpose. Instead, it is an expression of private affection whose ends are almost entirely about personal fulfillment. Thus, getting married is increasingly something you do after the rest of your life is arranged to your satisfaction. You go to school, find a job, get established in your career, and then you think about getting married. As a result, the average age when people first get married has risen by five years since 1970. But while our ideas about marriage have changed, our natures haven’t. One thing that Christians and dyed-in-the-wool Darwinists can agree on is that we are driven to reproduce ourselves. With a few exceptions, no matter how successful we might be, many feel that if we leave no descendants behind, all the striving is beside the point. What’s more, our biology doesn’t care about our sense of personal fulfillment. A woman’s most fertile period is her late teens to early 30s—precisely the time when young people are going to school and getting established in their careers. Thus, the longer we put off marriage, the more difficult it will be to fulfill one of our most fundamental instincts—have a child. Throw in the complications of meeting “Mr. Right,” getting to know him, and deciding that he’s the person you want to marry, and the “ticking clock” begins to sound like Big Ben.
So it seems that more and more women have decided to have children while they still can, regardless of their marital status.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about these statistics and this commentary. What does she think the purpose of marriage is? How does marriage fit into her plans for the future? What were you raised to believe about the purpose and timing of marriage? How do you feel now that your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they get married?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" (which can be helpful even if your single-and-pregnant daughter is not a teenager).

Money & Your Pregnant Engaged Daughter

Crown Financial Ministries has many free articles about money on their website.

When you and your pregnant daughter are evaluating whether the baby's father is a good candidate for marriage, the 11-page worksheet titled "Before you say 'I Do': Getting acquianted" is an excellent resource for looking at the money management aspect of the relationship. Get together with your pregnant daughter and the baby's father. Print out a copy of the worksheet for every person at the meeting. Read it outloud and do the exercises independently and then discuss each one together.

By completing this worksheet, everyone can learn about their own traits such as:

• Selfishness versus cooperation
• Pride versus humility
• Greed versus generosity
• Planner versus disorganized
• Patterns of decision making
• How you handle disagreements
• Trusting God versus independence

If your pregnant daughter and the baby's father have wildly different views of money management, this is an area that could cause massive conflict in a marriage and should be approached carefully.

Relationship red flags

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship say they have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner; one in four teen girls say their boyfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; and one in four teen girls say they have been pressured to go further sexually than they wanted.

Ask your teens (and your college student, and even your older child) if they have been hit/slapped/pushed by a partner. Are they currently in a relationship where that is happening?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have ever tried to control who they spend time with. Is that happening in the current relationship?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have pressured them to go further sexually than they wanted. Is that happening in the current relationship? For your pregnant daughter, was her sexual activity with the baby's father by mutual consent, or did he pressure her into it?

The booklet has some great questions to help you talk about relationship problems. Talk to all your kids about their current and past relationships, using these questions. For your pregnant daughter, these are very important questions to discuss about her relationship with the baby's father.

1) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend pressure you to make the relationship very serious or have sex quickly?

2) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend act jealous or possessive of you?

3) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend ignore boundaries of any sort that you have set?

4) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend insult you privately or in front of others?

5) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend not let you have your own identity? Do they try to control where you go, what you wear, or what you do?

6) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend IM or text you constantly?

7) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend refuse to consider your point of view or your desires, or simply doesn't listen to what you have to say?

8) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend keep you from talking to or spending time with close friends or family?

9) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend blame alcohol or drugs for their behavior?

10) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend threaten to hurt you, someone you care about, or themselves if you were to leave them?

These questions point out serious red flags about the relationship and indicate that the relationship is not respectful or caring. Help your kids know that they are worthy of respect and worthy of being treated with care.

Talking about relationships

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says,

FAST FACT: Teens say that the most important thing parents can do to teach them about successful relationships is to talk to them about relationships, not just about the birds and the bees. Teens report that the second most important thing that parents can do is to listen when
they talk about the people in their lives.

FAST FACT: Teens say that parents most influence their decisions about relationships—more than friends, the media, other family members, or even their own boyfriend or girlfriend.

FAST FACT: Teens say that trust is the most important part of a healthy relationship.

Read the scripts provided in the booklet to help you see how to start a conversation with your kids about their relationships. This type of conversation should not be a one-time event. Ask your kids every month about how their relationships are going currently.

This booklet has some great questions to ask your kids who are dating (regardless of their age):

1) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend understand how special you are and do they appreciate all those things that make you special? That is, do they respect you and all that you are?

2) Trust is important in all types of relationships. Do you trust your boyfriend/girlfriend and — just as important— does he/she trust you?

3) Open and honest communication is also a critical ingredient of any healthy partnership. Do you have ongoing, open, two-way conversations (not fights, not lectures) about topics that are
important to you? Do you discuss your feelings? Your goals?

4) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend support you through thick and thin? It’s easy to be on board during the good times, but what about when things get rocky? Can you count on him/her to be there for you?

5) Is your relationship a two-way street? Think about it: does one of you make nearly all of the decisions in your relationship? Do you only hang out with “his friends?” Do you only see romantic comedies or smash-em-up movies? Do both of you make important contributions to what is
happening in your relationship?

These questions make an great start to evaluating the relationship of your pregnant daughter to the baby's father. If that relationship doesn't stand up to even these simple questions, then it is more likely that the baby's father will not make a good marriage candidate. But if the relationship is solid based on these simple questions, it is worth doing more exploring.

Marriage Readiness

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a program called "Why Knot?" which is a marriage-readiness program for men. They offer a sample session on their website. Why not print it out and go over it with both your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Modify the questions for gender pronouns as necessary. The worksheets for the session are also printable.

The sample session asks "How ready do you think you are to be married today?" and gives a scale of 0 (not ready at all) to 10 (completely ready). Print out this page and give a copy to your pregnant daughter and to the baby's father. Have them fill it out seperately and then talk about how their answers are similar and different. Part of this page is answering the question "What's keeping you from reaching a 10?". The choices they can check are questions like:

• I'm not in a serious relationship.
• I don't have the money I need to get married. (Ask how much money they think they would need, and what the money is to be used for)
• I need to get a job or a better job. (Ask how much money they feel they need to make at their job, or what benefits they are looking for from the job)
• I need to finish school or some career training. (Talk about whether being married would be an encouragement and support during this training)
• I'd like to own a house before I get married. (Ask them to project how long it may take to reach this goal)
• I don't want to be tied down. I want to enjoy the single life. (Ask what they mean by this... do they just want free sex without responsibility?)
• I like to date more than one person at a time.
• I can't see myself having sex with the same person for the rest of my life.
• I can get sex without marriage.
• I'm happy (or would be happy) just living with my girlfriend/boyfriend.
• I have some fears about marriage. (Ask if they can express those fears)
• I think marriage will require too many changes. (Ask what changes they think may be requested)
• I'm not sure I'd make a good husband/wife.
• My parents were not married, or they divorced. I want to avoid divorce. (Ask what made the divorce difficult for them)
• I want to avoid the money problems that can result from a divorce. (Ask if they think these same money problems might occur if they are not married but the relationship ends)
• I don't want to have children. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about raising their child)
• I want to have children, but I want to wait until I'm older. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about being a parent at their current age)
• I haven't met the right woman/man.
• Other:

Another worksheet in this PDF is "My Marriage Model" and reminds us that we "may be affected by the attitudes of friends, co-workers, family members, the media, previous dating partners or even your own parents. How can you separate out what you really think?" There is a little chart that ask them to rate a few factors as either a positive influence on their attitude about marriage, a neutral influence, or a negative influence. The factors are:

1) Does the media you view, read, or listen to provide a good or bad view of marriage?

2) Did you parents have a good or bad view of marriage?

3) Do you friends or co-workers have a good or bad view of marriage?

4) Have your previous girlfriends/boyfriends had a good or bad view of marriage?

5) Do you have a good or bad view of marriage?

The next worksheet of the PDF asks them to identify their fears about marriage and think about how those fears can be handled.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success" and "The importance of a father" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Teen Marriage

Pregnancy and teen marriage is in the news again as we hear that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have ended their engagement.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy released a press statement in response. This press statement appears to quote research, but fails to give the sources for the "facts" listed. So they may be true, but there's no way to verify them.

• At the time of their child's birth, more than half of unmarried teen mothers say they are either "certain" or chances are "good" they will marry the biological father of their child. However, 8 out of 10 fathers don't ever marry the teen mother of their child. According to this, 2 out of 10 fathers do indeed marry the teen mother of their child. Since we don't know how many mothers "more than half" is, we still know that not all teen mothers were expecting to marry the father of their baby.
• Despite high expectations for marriage, fewer than 8% of teen mothers marry their baby's father within one year of the birth of their child. It would be interesting to know whether this percentage increases with time. For example, how many teen mothers marry their baby's father within 2 years? or 5 years? What percentage of teen mothers married the baby's father BEFORE the birth of the child?
• Teenagers who have a non-marital birth are also significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who do not have babies as teens. Wow, we have to go a long way out to get to age 35. How many teens with a non-marital birth are married by the age of 25? or 30?
• It is also the case that most single mothers of all ages who have a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy remain single and most cohabiting mothers either continue cohabiting or break up with their partner. How many is "most"?? Is that 51%? 99%? Somewhere in between? This type of statistic is practically useless.

Should marriage be encouraged for all teen mothers? Absolutely not. If the father of the baby is not a good person, they should absolutely not get married. If the father of the baby would have made a good husband when there was no pregnancy, then the couple should indeed carefully consider getting married.

Are teen marriages guaranteed to fail? Absolutely not! We wrote about this topic before, but here's some of that material again.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics released a report in December 2005 which was called "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth."

This statistical report from the government says that for people who marry under the age of 18, that 93% of those marriages are still intact one year later, that 76% are still going 3 years later, that 65% are still working 5 years later, and that 52% are still married after 10 years!

For teens aged 18-19 who get married, 90% are still married a year later, 80% are still married 3 years later, 72% are still married 5 years later, and 61% are still married after 10 years!

So teen marriages are by no means guaranteed to fail.

Even if a teen marriage ends in divorce, "marrying before the birth of a child may lead to greater paternal support, even if the marriage doesn't last. If couples marry, the male partner is likely to be a resident parent and have greater access to the child. Even if the couple eventually divorces, this early contact may lead to greater levels of financial support from the father." (Naomi Seiler, "Is Teen Marriage A Solution?" April 2002. Center for Law and Social Policy.)

ANY marriage, at ANY age needs the same thing: the physical, emotional, and spiritual support of their families. ANY person who marries at ANY age needs to be a responsible, safe partner. This applies to the woman and the man equally. The BOTH must be responsible and safe people.

Find a counselor or church that offers pre-marital evaluation and counseling. Have your pregnant daughter and the baby's father take the personality and compatibility exams that are available. If they have scores that suggest that there is a possibility of a good relationship, then do futher counseling and exploring of the topic of marriage. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" from our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Single Moms Often Poor

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.

In 2002, 7.8% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4% of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If he is a safe person and has the potential to provide for his family and to learn parenting skills, your daughter should seek counseling about whether to marry him. I strongly recommend that any couple get good pre-marriage counseling that teaches them about managing expectations, communication skills, and gives the basics of financial skills such as budgeting and balancing a checkbook. In addition, the couple will need to be attending parenting skills classes so that they both participate in caring for the needs of their child. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?"

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure?

If no father-figure is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

If your daughter is determined to be a single mother, what job skills does your she currently have? How can you help your pregnant daughter improve her job skills? What kind of career could she train for quickly? What financial help for living expenses or career training expenses are available in your family? Where can she get quality childcare while she is at work? You may also want to read the "Childcare Responsibilities" chapter in our book .

Not guaranteed to fail

In a recent opinion piece called "Odds are against teen marriage", the author, Carrie Stetler says that "marriage among couples in their 20s and 30s is far less likely to end in divorce." This makes it sound like teen marriages are practically guaranteed to fail, which just isn't true. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics released a report in December 2005 which was called "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth."

This statistical report from the government says that for people who marry under the age of 18, that 93% of those marriages are still intact one year later, that 76% are still going 3 years later, that 65% are still working 5 years later, and that 52% are still married after 10 years!

For teens aged 18-19 who get married, 90% are still married a year later, 80% are still married 3 years later, 72% are still married 5 years later, and 61% are still married after 10 years!

So teen marriages are by no means guaranteed to fail.

Even if a teen marriage ends in divorce, "marrying before the birth of a child may lead to greater paternal support, even if the marriage doesn't last. If couples marry, the male partner is likely to be a resident parent and have greater access to the child. Even if the couple eventually divorces, this early contact may lead to greater levels of financial support from the father." (Naomi Seiler, "Is Teen Marriage A Solution?" April 2002. Center for Law and Social Policy.)

ANY marriage, at ANY age needs the same thing: the physical, emotional, and spiritual support of their families. ANY person who marries at ANY age needs to be a responsible, safe partner.

If your teen daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy." There are also other posts about marriage on this blog, just click the label "Marriage" below or in the right-hand column.

Examining Relationships

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Making Your Choice" and it focuses on examining the realtionship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson asks some questions to help each person look at their relationship. These questions should be answered on paper, by your daughter and the baby's father separately. As a parent, write your own answers to some of these questions twice: once about your pregnant daughter and once about the baby's father [as you'll see, not all of them apply to you. For example, 'would you consider marrying this person?' However, you could rewrite them to work for you (for example, 'do you think your daughter should consider marrying this person')]. After everyone is finished writing their answers, get together (possibly with an outside counselor) and discuss everyone's answers. These also make good thought questions for your other children who are in dating relationships (some questions will have to be reworded to match their dating relationship instead of a parenting relationship).

• When you think of the baby’s father/mother, what are the major feelings you have?
• Would you consider marrying this person? Why or why not?
• What do you think marriage to this person would be like?
• What attracted you to him or her to begin with? Do the same things still attract you?
• Has the baby’s father or mother been a good or bad influence in your life?
• Do you love each other?
• What do you like best about him or her? Least?
• Who puts more into the relationship?
• Do you get along with his/her family and friends?
• How would you change him/her?
• Do you talk enough? Do you listen to each other when you do talk?
• Do you argue too much or not enough?
• Has the baby’s mother/father hurt you or your baby in any major way? If so, was it deliberate? Were his/her intentions good?
• Have you hurt him/her or your baby in any way?
• Does he/she limit you in any way? If so, how?
• What interests and friends do you share?
• How would you describe him/her as parent? Is he a good father or is she a good mother?
• What would you miss if you stopped seeing each other? What do you miss, if have already stopped seeing each other?
• What would you be glad about if you broke up? Or what are you glad about since you broke up?
• How does your relationship compare to the one you’d like?
• How do you see your relationship with him/her five years from now? 18 years from now?
• Are your present actions taking you there?
• What other concerns do you have about the baby’s father or mother?

Now that you have examined the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father a little bit, you can start to examine the options for their relationship going forward. There are a number of options which should be considered carefully. Make pro/con lists for each of these options. Then spend time thinking and praying about which choice to make. Basically, your pregnant daughter has the following choices for the relationship with the baby's father:

• Marry the baby's father 'soon' (within a year)
• Marry the baby's father at some point much later (years in the future)
• Have no contact/involvement with the baby's father: either be a single parent, marry someone else (at some later point), or choose an adoptive family for the baby
• Not marry the baby's father but he will be involved in parenting with you to some degree
• Not marry the baby's father at this time (and maybe never) and choose an adoptive family for the baby

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?".

Episode 8 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 8, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's grandmother, "Mimsy," arrives and greets Amy in the kitchen. When Amy looks embarrassed by Mimsy mentioning the baby, Mimsy says, "No shame. Not a moment of shame. Not with me, anyway, because I'm so proud of you. You are a wonderful girl! So, you're going to have a baby, so what? Who cares? Life must have wanted another beautiful creature on this planet. Who knows Life's plan? We don't know how this is all going to turn out...whether this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing, so don't worry about it, not a bit!" Talk to your kids about these sentiments. Are they in line with what they wish a response to pregnancy would be? What do you think of these thoughts?

At school, Ricky is talking to Adrian. He says he's been learning about babies. He says he cares about the baby. Adrian counters with, "Or, you just think you should care, so you're acting as if you care." Ricky replies, "What's the difference?" Talk to your kids about the difference. How could they tell if a boy was just pretending to care about them? If your daughter is pregnant, does she think the baby's father really cares about her and the baby or is justing pretending to care?

Next Ricky is talking to Grace and he tells her that Amy is going to her grandmother's house to live. He sneers, "She's running away like a child. It might be a good time to grow up. There are schools for girls like her." If your daughter is pregnant, what does she want to do about finishing school? How does she perceive school programs for pregnant teens? What does she think about the possibility of living with relatives during her pregnancy -- is it running away to do so? Being pregnant does mean that you have to grow up, regardless of what age you are when pregnant. What areas of life do your kids think need to become more adult when someone is pregnant?

At Amy's house, Mimsy has brought Amy a sweater that Amy's mom wore when she told Mimsy she was pregnant herself. Mimsy says she remembers telling Amy's mom (just as she has now told Amy) that "Adoption is not an option. We're a big family. We can take care of this baby. You and George and me and even Ashley. We can take care of the baby!" Amy's mom replies, "Well, mom, I don't know about that. We still have lots of time to think about what's right for Amy and the baby." Mimsy says, "Oh, well we don't need any more time. Amy and I have decided. We don't want adoption. We want to keep the baby." A wonderful benefit of not rushing into an abortion is that you have plenty of time to figure out how to overcome the challenges of parenting and adoption. Acknowledge to yourselves that you can change your mind about adoption and parenting many times during the pregnancy, and even for some period of time after the baby is born. But the fact that there is time to think doesn't mean you should wait until the last minute to become educated about both adoption and parenting. One teen we worked with had put this self-education off for later but she suddenly went into labor and gave birth nearly 2.5 months early. Amidst the scary birth of the premature baby, she wasn't prepared to make decisions about parenting and adoption because she assumed she had plenty of time to think about them "tomorrow." So start the process of learning and decision making as soon as possible. Talk to your kids about Mimsy's reaction that they whole family would help take care of the baby and thus adoption shouldn't be chosen. What does your whole family think about your daughter's pregnancy? What does each of them wish she would choose? Are they truely willing to help with middle of the night feedings? or babysitting while your daughter is in school? If your family is not available or not able to help with raising the baby, does that encourage you to examine adoption more closely?

Amy says that she wants to keep the baby, and "Mimsy agrees that Ben and I should get married, and possibly go on a honeymoon to Paris... a little wedding gift from Mimsy." Amy's mom is stunned and points out that Mimsy hasn't even met Ben and that they are both just 15 years old. Mimsy says, "Who cares how old they are?" This topic of teen marriage has come up in several episodes, so see our other posts about this show to find discussion questions about marriage. In this post, let's talk about weddings and honeymoons. What are your kid's dreams about their eventual wedding? Have them do research on the cost of their dream wedding. How would your family pay for it? Then have your kids develop ideas for a wedding that would be nice but the budget would be something that is easily affordable instead of needing a second mortgage or huge loan. We have worked with several women who had weddings that were so expensive that the loan wasn't even paid off when the couple divorced a few years later, in part due to the economic stresses they were unable to handle. Next talk about their dream honeymoon, and a honeymoon that would be nice but more affordable. If your daughter is pregnant, would it make more economic sense to save up for a five-year wedding anniversary trip instead of an extravagant wedding and honeymoon?

In the show, we start to see that maybe Mimsy is suffering from Alzheimer's, because she pulls out the silverware drawer and says the baby can stay in there for the first year or two, and then they can find something bigger like a dresser drawer. Later in the show, we learn that Mimsy has already moved into an assisted living facility and she will be touring Europe for a few months while she still can. Families often face stresses from multiple directions, just like this show. As a parent, you may have to cope with the stress of a pregnant single daughter at the same time as the stress of your own parent with failing health. Make sure that you too get any support or grief counseling you need to help you cope with all parts of your life as a parent.

At Grace's house, Ricky and Grace's brother have a talk because Grace's brother was adopted into Grace's family because his mother died. Ricky had told Grace earlier that he wasn't sure about adoption for his child because he didn't know what adoption was like. While you and your daughter are educating yourselves about adoption in order to cover all the bases, see if you can talk to a person who was adopted into a family. Make up a list of questions to ask them, including the things you are afraid of. For example, are you afraid the adopted person feels rejected by their first mother? Don't let myths and misconceptions rule your mind as you learn about all of your options regarding the baby.

Amy & Madison are talking about how they both wanted someone to desire them, even though they knew that Ricky was a horrible person. Lauren and Madison both admit they feel desparate to get a boyfriend. Talk to your kids about this natural longing to belong and to be loved. Ask them to describe how they feel. What do they imagine a perfect loving relationship would be like? What do they think the realities of relationships are like? Ask them to brainstorm all the different paths their longing for love could lead them down. Some of these paths may end up in a good place, and others will not. Ask them to describe the differences between infatuation, lust, and real love. There are lots of books that talk about these emotions..perhaps you could discuss one with your teens.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 8 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

"Is Marriage In Our Future?"

The topic of marriage has been on the minds of some of our readers recently, with queries such as "should pregnant christian people get married?", and "when daughter does not have blessing of marriage", among others. There is no single answer that fits all situations. Choosing to marry the baby's father is a decision that should be made with careful consideration, prayer, and outside counseling.

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Is Marriage In Our Future?". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson first lists a few facts about marriage:
"In 2000, 58% of all men and 54% of all women over the age of 15 were married. For people age 35 through 44, 69% of men and 71% of women were married. In 2000, 8.3% of all men and 10.2% of all women over age 15 were divorced."

"Many people have studied the effects of marriage on people and society. These experts found that people who are married:
• Are healthier, in general
• Live longer
• Tend to have more money and more financial security

They also found that children who live with their married parents:
• Get more education
• Have better marriages when they grow up
• Feel better about themselves and their lives

But healthy marriages are important. People with marital problems tend to be:
• More depressed
• Get sick more often
• Have children who get sick more often
• Have children who are not well adjusted

And if people divorce, their health suffers. For example:
• Divorced adults have a greater chance of dying earlier
• Children whose parents divorce live an average of four years less"

The lesson makes a good point that not everyone is a good candidate for marriage. You should not automatically get married just because you are pregnant. If your partner is abusive, you should get help to get away from them, not marry them. The lesson suggests these "yellow flags" as areas to get counseling about when considering a potential marriage partner:

Yellow Flags About Marriage:

• If your partner is often very depressed, unsure of himself or herself, and very anxious.
  
  
• If either of you ask over and over again, “Are you sure you love me? Do you really care about me?”
  
  
• If you spend most of your time together arguing and disagreeing.
  
  
• If your partner overreacts to simple problems or situations.
  
  
• If you keep thinking, “Things will be better when we get married.”
  
  
• If your partners wants to make all the important decisions and you resent it.
  
  
• If you are feeling pressure to get married but don’t want to.
  
  
• If you spend a day alone with your partner (not watching television), and you find you can’t stand it.
  
  
• If your partner does things you cannot stand but you are afraid to tell him or her because he or she will get mad.
  

The lesson also suggests a few "red flags" and encourages you not to marry a person with these challenges until they have been resolved:

"Red Flags"

• If your partner is an addict and not in recovery.
  
  
• If your partner physically or verbally abuses you or your children.
  
  
• If your partner is very controlling and you are fearful of him.
  
  
• If your partner demands that you drop all your friends and not see your family.
  
  
• If your partner gets angry easily and can’t control his or her temper.
  
  
• If your partner takes money that is needed to buy food and other necessities.
  

With your daughter, each of you write out a list of the positive traits a good marriage partner should have, and a list of the negative traits they should not have. Compare your lists. Then discuss how your daughter matches these lists and how the baby's father matches these lists. No one is perfect and each person will have a mix of positive and negative marriage traits. Try to be realistic and thorough.

The lesson suggests some questions to ask yourself:
• Do you believe that your future husband or wife will change if you get married? The facts show that most of us do not change very much or very quickly.
• Do you believe that you will be different when you get married? Do you hope that getting married will give you a fresh start and you can leave your problems behind? Most of us bring “baggage” with us into our marriages. If we had unhappy childhoods or don’t get along well with our parents, we will carry these problems into our marriage.
• Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, being overly sensitive to criticism, or having frequent mood swings? Get help with these problems before getting married. Work on building your relationship with your own parents.
• Are you closing your eyes to your own or your partner’s faults? Most of us tend to not see our partner’s faults before we get married. Then after we are married we notice every fault.

Finally, the lesson suggests a three things that help make a marriage more successful:
"1) A marriage lasts when couples are able to solve the disagreements and conflict that are a part of every relationship.
2) A marriage must have at least five positive moments for every negative moment between the couple. In other words acts of kindness need to outweigh criticism and other negative behavior by a ratio of five to one.
3) But it is not a matter of just being nice. Instead, it is learning to calm oneself, to listen and respond nondefensively, and to stick together even when the going gets rough.
So, a healthy marriage involves more than marrying the “right person.” It also involves learning to manage conflict, to talk to each other and to stay committed during the tough times. It means becoming friends."

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church".

Episode 2 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Episode 2 of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" had very few statistics in it. A lot of the plot circles around the rumors that are circulating about Amy & Ricky. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here. Here are a few points from the show, followed by some items to discuss with your teens.

• Amy hasn't told her parents that she's pregnant yet, and is planning to pretend it never happened. She says she figures she has two options: Tell her parents she's pregnant and "ruin the rest of her life", or pretend it never happened.
• Grace's mom talks to Grace about how many women blame themselves when their partner cheats on them, making excuses for his behavior.
• Grace's dad says the reason they gave Grace the promise ring isn't because they don't trust Grace, but because they don't trust the boys she might date. He says that teenage boys in high school are only interested in one thing: sex.
• Ben's friend says that the younger people are when they marry, the more likely the are to divorce, but she doesn't give any numbers.
• Ben tells Amy he doesn't want to know about her past relationships.

Talk to your kids:

• If they needed to tell you they were pregnant, what do they think your reaction would be? What do they wish your ideal reaction would be? What do you think your reaction would be? What do you wish your ideal reaction could be? If your teen needed to tell you they were pregnant, how would you like to be told?



• So far, Amy has been pretty unemotional about being pregnant. In this episode we see that she is firmly planting herself in denial, repeating "Never happened!" If your teen daughter is pregnant, ask her what emotions and thoughts she was having when she was at this point in her pregnancy (about 6 weeks). If your teens are not pregnant, ask them to imagine what they might be feeling and thinking if they were 6 weeks pregnant. When you first became pregnant with your child(ren), what were your thoughts and feelings?



• What do your kids think about being unfaithful in a relationship? Is Jack right that "just one kiss" should be quickly forgiven? (even though we know he's lying about this) What does faithfulness involve? How about "just looking, not touching" - is that cheating? Who is to blame when one partner cheats? Does lack of sexual activity make cheating excusable?



• Stereotyping all high school boys as being interested only in sex may be taking it too far. How is this fictional high school similar to the school your teens attend? How is it different? Are there predatory boys (like Ricky) or girls (like Adrian) in their high school that are looking for sexual conquests?



• What kinds of rumors circulate at your teen's high school? In a previous post, we summarized a recent research study that showed that one of the ways that abusive dates control their partner is by threatening to spread rumors about them. Do your teens know anyone who is being threatened this way? Has anyone ever threatened your teens by saying they will spread rumors about them?



• Thinking forward to when your teens get married some day, will they want to know the complete sexual history of their spouse? Will they want to keep anything hidden themselves? Do your teens think they will care about their spouse's previous sexual experiences? Does the idea of explaining previous sexual experiences to their future spouse cause them to reconsider any of their current activities?



• In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we have a chapter titled "Should They Marry?" which has a lot of facts about teen pregnancy and teen marriage. Here's a small excerpt: "Teen marriages generally have a bad reputation as leading to a guaranteed divorce. However, this reputation is not based completely on the facts. Data from the 2002 National Survey on Family Growth* shows that 48% of first marriages by girls under 18 years of age had dissolved by the 10th anniversary. This means that 52% of young teen marriages were still intact after 10 years! To balance the fact that waiting until the age of 23 to marry improves the chance of the marriage lasting 10 years, we have the fact that women who bear a child without marrying the father of the child have a 40% lower likelihood of ever marrying.**" What do your teens think about these statistics? Do they think that considering marriage when pregnant is a good idea or a bad idea? Under what circumstances do they think considering marriage when pregnant would be a good idea and when would it be a bad idea?



• Amy's best friends know she is pregnant and that she hasn't told her parents. If your teens knew their best friend was pregnant in high school, would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was struggling with alcohol - would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was taking drugs, or being beaten up by their date, or being hit by their parents?



• We've seen Amy go to her pediatrician in episode one. Where do your teens think they would go for medical help if they thought they were pregnant? Where would you want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? Is there anywhere you would not want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? What are the privacy rules regarding pregnant minors at your kid's primary physician? Would your minor's doctor be required to keep a pregnancy secret from you because of patient confidentiality? Do you know anything about the teen pregnancy related beliefs your teen's doctor holds? If you live in a state where there is no parental notification law and no parental consent law, would your teen's doctor offer your teen an abortion without your knowledge or consent? What about contraceptives?

References:

* "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth." Vital and Health Statistics, Series 23, Number 25, December 2005. U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics.

** Daniel Lichter and Deborah Roempke Graefe, "Finding a Mate? The Marital and Cohabitation Histories of Unwed Mothers," in Lawrence Wu and Barbara Wolfe (eds.), "Out of Wedlock: Trends, Causes and Consequences of Non-marital Fertility." New York: Russell Sage Foundation, 2001.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for this episode too (PDF file).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.