Sexual purity, step 1

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.

1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?

Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."

She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.

Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)

To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.

To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.

"Let Go" by Sheila Walsh

The focus of "Let Go" is on the various things that we need deliverance from.

Each chapter starts with Scripture and also relevant quotes, followed by a (often corny) story that is supposed to illustrate the point. Then the meat of the chapter begins. The chapters end with a summary, some discussion questions, and a prayer.

Chapters and topics include: "Fresh-baked grace for the spiritually hungry" (on legalism), "This dead religion is past its sell-by date" (on judging), "Living in the past", "Look at the view ahead!", "The trap of unforgiveness", "Don't play fair - it will set you free" (about how life isn't fair), "The trouble with temptation is that it's just so tempting", "Let go and live in Christ's victory", "Shame on you!", "Shame on Him", "You are you for a reason", "I was made for this" (about purpose), "Sometimes my life feels like a cliffhanger" (about fear and trust), "God will prove it's a love story" (you are loved and you are never alone), "We are what we believe we are?" (about self-hatred), "Table for two, please", "No light at the end of my tunnel" (about depression), "The million-watt megabulb of God's hope", and "A long-awaited deliverance."

Some quotes that were meaningful to me, with a comment or two on how they might relate to you today as you deal with your single daughter's pregnancy:

Why is forgiveness hard?
"Fear: 'What if I forgive and they do it again?'
Mistrust: 'I've heard it all before, and I don't believe they're really sorry.'
Pain: 'How can saying 'I forgive you' take away the deep wound inside?'
Bitterness: 'Nothing can change what happened to me.'"

Do you relate to these thoughts in regards to forgiving your single-and-pregnant daughter? Or the baby's father?

"Forgiveness means we surrender our right to know the outcome. That is hard. We want to know that if we forgive, then the person will be sorry and never hurt us again. When we forgive someone and he turns right around and does the same thing again, not only are we wounded afresh, but we feel so foolish."

"Another reason we struggle with forgiveness is because we have cheapened what forgiveness really is. There is an element of sentimentality among many in the evangelical church who would suggest forgiveness is easy and quick. People apply forgiveness like a Band-Aid over a wound, without recognizing the wound has to be addressed, acknowledged, grieved over, and owned before forgiveness can ever be real and lasting."

"We can only really forgive when we acknowledge the depth to which we have been wounded and allow ourselves to 'own' the pain. By 'own' the pain, I mean face the truth that we are wounded. It is tempting to slough pain away, denying we are hurt. It can be embarrassing to be wounded. We feel weak or out of control. So we ignore it."

What wounds are you feeling right now in relation to your single-and-pregnant daughter? Write them down, and try to be as specific as possible, expressing the depth to which you have been wounded. Read your list to God in prayer, ask Him to help you grieve over them. Part of the grieving process is acceptance and resolution... ask God to lead you toward those parts of the grief cycle.

"One of the greatest issues I see is self-hatred ... Many prefer to call it low self-esteem. But, really, what those feelings are is a rejection of who we are; we believe that at least part of us is unacceptable. What else can it be called but self-hatred? The fallout of self-hatred is isolation."

Do you feel self-hatred because you are feeling that you've failed as a parent?

"When we allow our brokenness to make our choices, we withhold who we are and what we have to give to one another. One of Satan's tricks is to keep us so obsessed with what we USED to believe or what USED to be true that we don't live in God's grace RIGHT NOW. ... It keeps us wallowing in the past, alone and defeated."

Are you allowing your brokenness to make choices in your daughter's pregnancy?

Sheila talks about Luke 19:10 "For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost" and how 'lost' means 'broken beyond repair'. She says, "There have been moments in my life when I've thought, 'I'm not going to make it, Lord; I'm too broken, too despairing, too far gone.' I love this verse because it says to you and to me that if we feel that way we can take heart, because that's why Jesus came!"

Are you feeling broken? Despair? Take heart! Jesus came to find YOU and restore YOU.

"I was not put onto this earth to make myself happy. I was put here to learn to love and trust God and to let his love flow through me until we make it safely home."

As you and your pregnant daughter examine her options, make an effort to love your daughter, to love her child, and to trust God with this child she is carrying.

Uprooting Bitterness

An article in the September/October 1996 issue of Virtue Magazine was titled "Uprooting Bitterness". The article is by Nancy Carmichael, and it has some wonderful tidbits that are relevant to the Christian parents of a pregnant single.

"[Bitterness] comes from justice denied, a hope dashed, an expectation unmet, a belief that I deserved better than what I received, anger grown cold and unresolved - maybe from an offense at the hands of someone I love."

Do you feel this way regarding your daughter's pregnancy outside of marriage?
What hopes of yours were dashed when you discovered her pregnancy?
What expectations of your daughter were not met by this change in her life?
How about your spouse...what hopes and expectations were changed?
How about your pregnant daughter...what hopes of hers were dashed by this child's creation? What expectations of her own were changed?

"It's nasty stuff that easily takes root. It prods me to stew: 'He should have known better.' 'She needs to make restitution for this.' Or 'God could have prevented this from happening. And He didn't.' "

What thoughts have been stewing in your mind and heart regarding your daughter? Or the baby's father? Or God?

"It lures me to flog myself mentally for past mistakes, or the unrighteous people in our nation, thinking in some twisted way I'm doing God a favor by being mad at sinners."

Do you identify with this?

"How do I let go of offenses, the deeply rooted things that slowly but surely sap life from me?"

Ms Carmichael quotes Walter Brueggemann from "Finally Comes The Poet" when he says, "Keeping kills. Relinquishing heals... Return to the command, to the God who rests and gives rest, who sets free and satisfies. We do not yield easily. But if we do not yield, we shall die." The article also quotes an anonymous source that says, "Forgiveness is celestial amnesia; that is, letting go of all the memories of the past except the love we have given and received."

Will you take the effort to yield to the God who gives rest? Will you let Him set you free and satisfy you? Will you let Him help you focus on the love for your daughter and her child?

Proudnana's story

"Proudnana" on Bukisa.com wrote her beautiful story "How to survive a teen parent" about her pregnant teen. Under the Creative Commons copyright, her story is copied here (edited for punctuation, grammar and capitalization).

----Begin Article----

When the Doctor came into the room, I was not expecting those four words to come out of his mouth. "Your Daughter is Pregnant." I was dumb founded. I just sat there. All of a sudden tears just started flowing down my face and I could not stop it. I started down memory lane. I remembered the day she was born.

I was devastated. I had all these emotions: devastation, anger, bitterness. I must of cried everyday for a long time. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Then all of a sudden I thought, "Okay she is pregnant. Its not the end of the world. She is not dying she is having a baby."

I needed support through this but no one would listen. My daughter did not want me to talk to anyone about it. But I had to. You're going to have to do the same thing. If you are going through this just tell your daughter, "Look, I have to talk to someone about this and you are gonna have to trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt you."

I finally realized that it was not my fault. My daughter did not set out to get pregnant to hurt me. I was not there when they had sex. I could not be with her 24 hours a day or 7 days a week. It was not my fault. If I knew about [it] I would have stopped it. Everyone thought it was my fault. I lost a lot of friends over this and so did my daughter. Those friends were not really our friends.

I was devstated. I thought my daughter's life was over. My husband and I really thought that our daughter was not mature enough to handle this. To us she was still a baby. She wanted to keep her baby so we talked about it and decided to let her keep him. He was hers. No matter what she would always be his Mom. I knew the change in her eyes to look for. If you are a Mom you know the look I am talking about it. I knew what to look for. So when my grandson was born, I handed him to my daughter and immediatly she had that look of a Mother. She started to count his fingers and his toes. She kissed him and just held him in her arms. At that moment I knew she was going to be fine.

I felt like sometimes I was on a roller coaster and I wanted to stop to get off but it would not stop. Everytime I thought it was going to stop it just got faster and faster. Then other days I felt as though I was on a row boat without the paddles in the middle of a sea storm with the waves crashing down on the boat. I felt all alone. Like I was the only one going through this. No one would listen to me. No matter what I said to my daughter she did not want me to talk to anyone about it.

My husband -- well he is another story. He just acted like nothing was wrong. I thought at one time I was going to have slap him to see if he was still here with me. But when our grandson was born something changed within him... it was amazing. Something wonderful was finally coming from this world of darkness. I could finally see the light. It just dawned me one day to support my daughter.

To us we had no choice but to support our daughter. We took on that responsibility the day she was born. We were parents through bad times as well as good times. Every parent is there for their kids when they get good grades or bad grades, when they scrape their knees, when they get their heart broken. Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. Yes, it's a thankless job at times. But sometimes it's a rewarding job.

Every child is a gift from God. You don't choose your parents or your children -- God does. You don't choose when your children are born, God does. I know we do stuff all the time that God does not like. But does he turn us away when we do those things. No! He loves us regardless of what we do! I have been judged for supporting my daughter. I guess everyone thought I should have sent her away to give up her child or make her get an abortion. But it was not my choice to make. I was not the one who was pregnant, she was.

You as a parent to your teen parent have to realize that your teen is scared too. She feels like she is all alone during this. She is worried that no one will accept her or appreciate the decision she has made. It takes a strong person to go through something like this. Your daughter's or my daughter's life has not ended, it is just beginning a new chapter. Her dreams or your dreams for her has not died -- she will just to have to work harder for them and she will have to take her baby along with her. It will take her longer but she will get there. Telling her that she has just ruined her life or that her life is going to change now -- that is just ruining her self esteem. She will never do anything if you keep doing that. She knows her life is going to change. She is not stupid. You raised her to be a loving, generous person so show that to her. Practice what you preach. Take it slow, one day at a time. It will get better with time.

I read a book one time called "Daughters Gone Wild Dads Gone Crazy". Get it and read it and see if your daughter will read it too. You read the part for the dad and let her read the part for the daughter. It is amazing. It taught me a lot. Rev. Charles Stone and his daughter Heather Stone wrote the book together. In that book Charles Stone says to Remain Calm. Talk to your daughter and realize that the first thing you say to your daughter during a Major problem is what she is going to remember. Act like she is not your daughter but one of her friends that has just come to you with a problem. What would say to her. It takes one day at a time to handle this situation.

---- Article finished ----
All of the emotions Proudnana describes as she discovers her daughter's pregnancy are part of the grief cycle, which we discuss in the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News". Proudnana learned who were true friends, and we discuss "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances". Proudnana's husband reacted quite differently from her, and we discuss this in "Talking with My Husband". Proudnana talks about her daughter's feelings, which relates to the chapter "What Is My Daughter Feeling?" The advice to remain calm and pay attention to the first words out of your mouth is exactly what we recommend in the chapter "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not mean you approve.
Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the behavior.
Forgiveness does not mean you will feel good about the event.
Forgiveness does not mean you don't hold them responsible.
Forgiveness does not mean you no longer feel pain over the event.
Forgiveness does not mean you automatically forget.
Forgiveness does not mean you are no longer incensed.
Forgiveness does not mean you have to pursue a future relationship with the offender.
Forgiveness does not mean you are of no importance.
Forgiveness does not mean God doesn't see the offense as wrong.
Forgiveness does not mean that the offense will not have any consequences.
Forgiveness does not belittle the importance of the offense.

Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God.
Forgiveness is an act of gratitude toward Christ.


You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Forgiving the baby's father", "Forgiving the young man's parents", "Forgiving myself", "Forgiving my daughter", and "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Mom is Hurt and Angry

A recent advice column titled "Help! My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant" by By Dr. Gail Saltz, TODAYShow.com contributor, gave a good overall response to the upset parent. The mother of the teen who has fathered a child with his girlfriend is hurt, crying, and angry. She appears to feel that his girlfriend got pregnant intentionally in order to get married. This hurting mother is very clearly in a grief cycle. Dr. Saltz says, "Your feelings are partly a manifestation of dashed hopes and dreams for your [child's] future." This is how parents on both sides of the situation may feel. You are in a grief cycle, but don't allow yourself to get stuck there!

Dr. Saltz continues, "But what’s done is done. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to berate your son or being cool toward his girlfriend. All you will do is drive him further away. ... Expressing your concern about the future is fine, but expressing hurt, anger and disapproval toward your son and his girlfriend will not get you anywhere. If you continue with such an adversarial position, you might end up with a son who hates you and a grandchild you never see." Find a safe friend, a pastor, or a counselor to whom you can vent your hurt, anger, and disapproval. When talking with your pregnant daughter or the baby's father, focus on problem solving and skills training, not on blaming and berating. Dr. Saltz recommends, "You can be kind, supportive and forgiving to your son [or daughter] at the same time you make it clear that he made a bad decision and must now deal with the consequences."

The mother in the advice column has a younger daughter, and she wants to give this younger daughter a very strong message. You may have children that are younger siblings to your pregnant daughter too. Dr. Saltz says, "I do agree with you that it will be important to make it clear to your young daughter why this was a poor choice on her brother's part and the ways this will make life difficult. .... You do not need to ostracize her brother and girlfriend to make this message clear."

"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can do your best in teaching your kids to make better choices, but you can’t control every choice they make. When they make a bad one, it's best to make your disagreement clear, but also to maintain an open door rather than cutting them off." You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" which has lots of tips on how to cope with this crisis.

Teen sex and depression

A recent article on LifeSiteNews titled "Sexually Active Teenage Girls "Twice As Likely" To Suffer From Depression" is as follows:

Research which appeared recently in the Journal of Health Economics has found that young girls who are sexually active often experience feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, and are far more likely to suffer from depression than those who remain chaste.

The study, by Joseph J. Sabia and Daniel I. Rees, of 14,000 adolescents aged between 14 and 17, used data from the U.S. government funded National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health.

The study found that sexually active teen girls have more than double the rate of depression of those who are not sexually active - 19 percent compared to 9.2 percent.

The conclusion the study reached was that "sexually active female adolescents are at increased risk of exhibiting the symptoms of depression relative to their counterparts who are not sexually active."

Dr. Trevor Stammers, a lecturer on sexual ethics and chairman of the Christian Medical Fellowship in the UK, said the new study confirmed that most girls "retrospectively showed regret about early intercourse."

"It also shows as closely as we have been able to show so far that there is a genuine link between increased risk of depression and adolescent females engaging in sex," Dr. Stammers said in a British Daily Mail report. "My experience is that, for girls, depression, regret and shame are very common."

Link to full text of this study, titled, "The effect of adolescent virginity status on psychological well-being".

Talk with all your kids about this research. If your teens have not become sexually active, discuss how this research can help them say no to sex until they are married. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how this means more than simply waiting until marriage, but also includes a lifetime of sex the way that God intended it to be.

If your teen daughters have had sex, do they regret it? Have they had feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, or depression? If so, help them find counseling to heal the wounds caused by their sexual activity. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how they can choose to not have sex again until they are married. Sex outside marriage is like any other sin: it can be forgiven and put in the past. 1 John 1:9 promises that if we confess our sins, that He will forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. This means He promises to cleanse us of sexual sin too. Your daughters do not need to label themselves as shameful if they confess and ask forgiveness from God.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

"Seven Steps to Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

The following is a summary/outline of the points made by guest R.T. Kendall on the Focus On The Family radio program "Finding True Forgiveness."

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What Forgiveness is Not

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

There may be a lot of people you need to forgive when your single daughter is pregnant. You may need to forgive your daughter, the baby's father, his family, your friends and family for the way they react, yourself, and others.

How can we apply these steps to forgiveness to a Christian daughter who is single and pregnant?

1. "Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you." Okay, pregnancy is going to be obvious at some point, and this sentiment is not a support of abortion. To apply this one, let's instead focus on perhaps not complaining to everyone about how much your daughter embarrassed you, hurt you, angered you, or shamed you. How about not complaining to everyone about your daughter's character, or the character of the baby's father? If you really need to vent your frustrations, pick a mature, trustworthy person such as a counselor or pastor who will not gossip about what you share.

2. "Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you." Is your anger at your daughter a scary thing? Was she afraid to tell you she was pregnant because she guessed your reaction would be intimidating? Do you need to apologize to her for the way you've acted since discovering her pregnancy?

3. "Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty." Your daughter may feel guilty about her sexual activity. If she willingly participated, this guilt could be the Holy Spirit prompting her that she has sinned and needs to confess. Once she has repented and asked forgiveness, guilty feelings may be unhealthy (meaning that they are no longer pointing out the need for confession). Corrie ten Boom used to talk about God's forgiveness by saying that He placed our sins at the bottom of the ocean and then put up a buoy with a sign that says "No Fishing." If your daughter has repented, don't keep bringing up her sin. Don't fish. Leave it alone.

4. "Let them save face." Ask your daughter what this would mean to her. Does it mean that she wants to tell people about the pregnancy instead of you doing it? Or does it mean she wants you to tell people instead of her doing it? Does it mean she would like to live with a relative during the pregnancy? What would 'saving face' mean to her in this situation? Are any of her ideas for this realistic possibilities? If they are possible, pray and talk about making them happen.

5. "Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear." Talk with your daughter about this. What is her greatest fear about being single and pregnant? What is her darkest secret about this pregnancy? Brainstorm together about what kind of protection can be offered. For example, if she is in an abusive relationship is she afraid for her safety and the safety of her baby?

6. "It is a lifelong commitment." Forgiving your daughter for a particular thing may take a lifetime of upkeep on your part. You may have unforgiving thoughts and feelings resurface that you must choose to deal with again. You may have to repeatedly choose not to "fish" around and bring up her past sins that you say you have forgiven. Perhaps she will make the same mistake again in the future and you will have to choose whether or not to berate her for her past mistakes again.

7. "Pray for them to be blessed." When you are in the midst of anger and pain, this kind of prayer can seem impossible. You may not feel like your daughter deserves blessing because of the things she has chosen to do. You certainly do not have to pray that her sin be blessed, because sin cannot be blessed. However, the consequences of sin can prompt someone to repent and turn their life around. This in itself may be a blessing to the person whose life is changed. Repentance and a changed life can open the door to other blessings, and that is hopefully something you can pray for your daughter to receive.

Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must approve of her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. You can love your daughter and hate her actions. Forgiving your daughter does not mean you must excuse her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must pardon her willing actions: there may be consequences she needs to face, possibly even punishments depending on the situation. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must reconcile your relationship with her. For reconciliation to occur, you both have to be trustworthy people. You can forgive her even if she is not yet trustworthy for a relationship.

For more about forgiveness when your single daughter is pregnant, read the chapters in our book ("How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy") titled "Forgiving the Baby's Father," "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents," "Forgiving Myself," "Forgiving My Daughter," and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances."

Secrets

By blogging about alternative living arrangements such as maternity homes, and about adoption, we've touched painful places in people's lives. A Christian pregnant single faces difficult decisions no matter what she chooses: being a single mother can be difficult (see here, here, here, and here for example to see what challenges the single mother and child will need to solve), being married can be difficult (what relationship on earth does NOT have its ups and downs??), having an abortion can be difficult (see here, here and here), and making an adoption plan can be difficult. There are no easy paths, and these decisions affect not only the future physical, emotional and spiritual health of the woman and her child but also the baby's father, her family and the family of the baby's father. No decision should be made casually or quickly..they all require research, prayer, Godly input from outside sources, and time to think the decision over carefully.

Here are bits of the emails we got recently that we'd like to respond to.

As a Christian myself I was always raised with the belief that children were blessings from God. Certainly it was considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage, but that child was not the sin, simply the mother's actions. Certainly I'm not an adovcate of running around getting pregnant without being married, however it concerns me that you are encouraging parents (of WOMEN 25 and under...well above the legal minor age of 18), to continue to judge their daughters if they get pregnant.

We absolutely agree that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 is very clear about children, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 139 also discusses the wonder of children: "13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. " (NLT)

In this previous post (and this one, among others) we also agree that we should not love the sin, but should love the sinner. With social researchers and commentators saying that adolesence now persists into the mid 20s or even 30s (here and here, for example), with more and more college graduates (up to 50%) moving back in with their parents, with age 25 being the average age of marriage for women in America currently, parents of both teens and 20-somethings may find themselves with a pregnant single under their roof. Should these Christian parents be judging their daughters? (Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." and Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.") So no, judging is not appropriate as Christians. But parents do have to evaluate actions and consequences as with any other situation (Proverbs 10:17; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11; Revelation 3:19; and others). Christian families with pregnant singles do exist and some of them do desire advice from a Christian perspective. These are the families we're attempting to reach out to.

It seems as if your blog is promoting shame and secrecy, much like eras past where women were sent to maternity homes to hide their unwed pregnancies.

We definitely do not want to promote secrecy! Consider, though, that there are many reasons for a pregnant woman to live at a maternity home besides secrecy! Sometimes the pregnant woman is homeless for various reasons. Sometimes she needs to escape from damaging relationships. Sometimes she desires the in-depth counseling, education classes and skill building classes that many maternity homes offer. Sometimes she wants to live with other pregnant women so that she doesn't feel alone in her situation. Most maternity homes interview the pregnant woman...if she doesn't want to be there, they probably won't accept her into their program. Most maternity homes have waiting lists of women that actively want to be there and they will not allocate a bed to those who do not want the program they offer. As we mention in our post about maternity homes, "forcing" someone to live there makes many more long-term problems than it may solve short term.

Both the pregnant woman and her parents need to think and pray a lot about any decision about the preborn child where the main motivation is secrecy. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy," we talk several times about the fact that secrecy can be very damaging emotionally and spiritually. Two chapters, "Trying to Hide", and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in particular deal with this topic.

Thank you for reading our blog, we welcome your feedback!

Rebekah's Story

This is the real story of a young woman named Rebekah who was single and pregnant.

I am a living example of how being a born again Christian does not shield you from Satan’s power, if you do not walk with the Lord. My dad was a missionary pilot in the Philippines. I am a Bible college graduate. I was saved when I was 15 years old.

Yet a few years after graduating from college, I was in a good job, driving a nice sports car and had lost sight of God in the midst of my success. I became a very lonely person, spending my time looking for happiness in other areas of my life … partying, excessive drinking, sexual impurity, and looking for fulfillment with the wrong kind of men. Two years ago, after a long series of selfish choices, I had reached a point in a “roller coaster” of life where everything I had ever believed was challenged, and I made the wrong choice – I was pregnant and I chose to have an abortion rather than ruin my career or let my parents find out about my lifestyle.

For the next several months, I struggled alone with deep depression, suicidal thoughts, anger and the guilt and shame of what I had done. I had shattered my family’s trust in me, emerged from a destructive relationship barely intact and was so absolutely overwhelmed by my sins that I spent nights crying in despair, wondering how I had reached this point in my life and how God could ever love me back to Himself. 1 John 3:9 says that no one born of God can live at peace with sin and God finally had my attention. After a couple of months, I knew I could not do it alone anymore. I finally took the painful steps of telling my family what I had done and asking for their forgiveness. I also began attending a post-abortion Bible study at Assist Pregnancy Center and after many months of prayer and working through my grief, began to understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness. What impacted me through the Bible study at that time was this:

• I was encouraged to talk about my abortion experience and feelings without fear of judgment, was listened to and encouraged by other women in the course, and was reminded of God’s promises in Scripture.
• I was able to identify why I was feeling the emotions I was experiencing and began the slow process of working through them – unprovoked anger, bitterness, moments of denial, and overwhelming grief.
• I learned to identify the emotional triggers that prevented my healing.
• I learned how easily we buy into the world’s lies – how so many are told that abortion is an “easy solution,” “it’s the best decision for this time in your life”, “it’s over and done with” or “what will your parents think”.
• I learned how sexual immorality leads to a bondage of sexual ties in bad relationships, how to break those ties and repair the sexual damage I had done to my heart and soul.

Although the healing process takes a long time, I was emotionally better equipped to face my daily challenges at the end of our eight week course. I knew I could call on anyone at Assist for additional guidance or a hug anytime I needed it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason and God can work everything together for His purpose. I am now back in church, deeply involved with my small groups and growing again in my faith. It’s amazing to see how God brings opportunities for me to share my life experiences with others to be an encouragement. I am joyful, knowing that God will use my past and my story to help others understand His undeserved grace and unconditional love.

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for Parents of A Pregnant Christian Single," we share at least one true story in every chapter. You are not alone, and reading the stories of others who have been where you are is such a comfort!

Call 800-395-HELP to find a pregnancy resource center near you that can come alongside your family to support you all. Talk to your daughter about the pain that secrets can cause. Talk to her about how you may be hurt or angry when a secret such as a pregnancy or an abortion is revealed but that you love her and you don't want any secrets poisoning your relationship.

Get a glimpse into one mind

Here are summaries from an actual blog belonging to a teen who is actively trying to get pregnant. You can see a bit of her thought processes and her motives, which are examples of answers to "why do some teens get pregnant." Obviously, not every pregnant teen feels like this, but some do. Entries have been summarized, but the underlying thoughts have not been altered. These entries are written over an 8 week period.



Day 1– She calls her boyfriend the "love of my life" and announces she is trying to conceive a baby with him.

Day 2 – She tells of a conversation with her boyfriend where he questions whether now is a good time to get pregnant since they are both still in school. She says, "But my best friend is pregnant and I feel so lonely." Some peer pressure here...she wants to fit in. She notes that she will try to talk him into agreeing to the pregnancy, that she doesn't want to wait until she's done with school.

Day 4- She notes that she should start saving money to care for the baby, commenting that her mother was poor when she was born and thus she ended up being raised by her grandmother. She promises herself that her baby will not be raised by its grandmother, her mother, and complains about the parenting she has received.

Day 6 – She reaffirms that she is intentionally trying to get pregnant. "I’m hoping by this time next year I'll have my own little bundle of joy." Either this is just a phrase, or she is hoping the baby will provide her with emotional fulfillment such as joy and unconditional love.

Day 8 – She tells the story of a previous miscarriage she had, and again hopes that she is pregnant. She has not finished grieving the lost child, and may be trying to replace the baby that was miscarried. When a woman has an abortion and then intentionally gets pregnant again, the new baby is called an 'Atonement child'. When trying to get pregnant again rapidly following a miscarriage, the baby is a 'Replacement child'.

Day 9 - She is very upset that she had a big fight with her boyfriend and they broke up. She says, "God, I hope I’m pregnant – it’s the only way to talk him back into loving me." Many women of all ages believe that they can restore a broken relationship by turning up pregnant with his child.

Day 14 – She is very upset because her old boyfriend has started dating someone else. She says, "I’ve never cried this much over a stupid boy. This must mean something. I’m praying a lot lately, asking God to forgive me and bless me and my ex-boyfriend - bless us with a child or make his parents love me or something. I’m praying for this life to stop being a wreck and for my heart to finally be whole." Many women of all ages believe that a child will fulfill all of the mother's emotional needs, which is a heavy burden to expect out of any human, and even more so for an infant.

Day 24 - She is analyzing every physical symptom she has, hoping that they indicate pregnancy. She ends the post with, "If I don’t get my period, then God loves me and wants my ex-boyfriend to be mine. If I do, then maybe it’s not meant to be or at least not right now." Again, she is hoping to hold on to the relationship by having a baby with him.

Day 28 - As it becomes clear that she is not pregnant, she is upset: "I’m about to cry - this was my last shot to get my ex-boyfriend back."

Day 54 - The next month, she has moved on and met a new boyfriend who is her age, and she wastes little time in building a relationship with him but instead says, "I’m considering trying to conceive with him."

Talk with your daughter about these thoughts. Is she feeling peer pressure to be sexually active? Are there aspects of home life she is trying to escape from by being sexually active? Is she believing that having a baby will get her out of the house? What is she hoping/expecting a baby to provide her emotionally? Is she trying to replace a child lost to abortion or miscarriage? Is she trying to hold on to a guy by getting pregnant?

Which sin is worse?

As a parent, you've probably assigned different consequences to your children when they do something wrong. For example, when your child was younger you may have assigned a "time out" for one kind of offense and a removal of privleges for a more serious offense. As your child has grown up, you may have taken away the car keys for one type of offense, etc.

We tend to think that a more "serious" error requires a more serious consequence. And this is certainly true in some senses. In a court of law, we don't want to sentence a murderer to only 30 days in jail and we don't want to sentence a spelling test cheater to a death sentence. In God's Law (as written in the Old Testament) there were also different consequences for different sins, and different sacrifices to atone for those sins.

But in the big picture, all sins regardless of "seriousness" separate us from our Holy God who cannot tolerate any level of unholiness at all. To be reconciled to God, Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins. As Christians, we can receive forgivness of our sins and yet God does not also remove the Earthly consequences of our actions. If we lie, we can receive forgiveness from God but usually still have to set the situation right and receive our consequences. So while consequences vary, we need to remember that all sin is equal in God's eyes. The ground is level at the foot of the Cross -- we are all equally sinful and separated from God. So if your daughter sinned sexually, that sin is the same in God's eyes as any time that your daughter has gossiped.

Every one of us is a sinner, and God does not accept our behaviors even while He loves us and is constantly calling us to be more like Him. Both you and your daughter may have trouble mentally separating her behaviors from who she is as a person. So in your discussions, focus on reaffirming her (not her behavior) and telling her you love her (not her behavior). Talk to your daughter about repentence and pray with her about forgiveness. Then practice that forgiveness in your relationship.

What did I do wrong?

If those tapes in your head are telling you that you're a bad parent, a failure, please know that you're not the only one who feels that way. Many Christian parents start to wonder what they did wrong in raising their Christian daughter that she would be sexually active and pregnant outside of marriage. Introspection can be healthy and it can also be unhealthy.

Healthy introspection can help you identify parenting choices that didn't turn out like you intended, so that you can take steps to make better parenting choices as you move forward.

Unhealthy introspection gets you stuck in the past, unable to move forward, focusing only on regrets and on blaming yourself and/or your spouse. You are not alone in these feelings, but remind yourself constantly that no parent is perfect just as no child is perfect. Your children make mistakes, just as you have made mistakes. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." (NLT) Every human on the planet today makes mistakes.

As you pray, ask the Lord to show you if there is anything you've done for which you need to ask your child for forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit search you and lead you to any revelations, rather than you micro-examining your memories. Use Psalm 139:23-24 in your prayer, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (NIV) God promises that when you seek Him, you will find Him. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (ASV) As God reveals shortcomings to you, confess them and embrace His forgivness, for 1 John 1:9 promises, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." (NLT)

When parents are dwelling on their pain, they often accuse each other of contributing to the problem. Actively work on talking to each other without accusations. In addition, don't give your spouse the 'silent treatment'...this is a time where you both need to share your thoughts and feelings and find support in each other. This is a time for your marriage to come together, not to push each other away. Pray outloud with each other. Share your journal entries. Read chapters from "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outloud together and discuss them. Work on these exercises from Marriage Enrichment, called "Knee to Knee - Dealing with Grief". Your daughter's pregnancy is a crisis that triggers a grief cycle for all involved, and normal grief feels abnormal. So take the time to talk. Don't try to cope with this alone.