"Proudnana" on Bukisa.com wrote her beautiful story "How to survive a teen parent" about her pregnant teen. Under the Creative Commons copyright, her story is copied here (edited for punctuation, grammar and capitalization).
----Begin Article----
When the Doctor came into the room, I was not expecting those four words to come out of his mouth. "Your Daughter is Pregnant." I was dumb founded. I just sat there. All of a sudden tears just started flowing down my face and I could not stop it. I started down memory lane. I remembered the day she was born.
I was devastated. I had all these emotions: devastation, anger, bitterness. I must of cried everyday for a long time. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Then all of a sudden I thought, "Okay she is pregnant. Its not the end of the world. She is not dying she is having a baby."
I needed support through this but no one would listen. My daughter did not want me to talk to anyone about it. But I had to. You're going to have to do the same thing. If you are going through this just tell your daughter, "Look, I have to talk to someone about this and you are gonna have to trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt you."
I finally realized that it was not my fault. My daughter did not set out to get pregnant to hurt me. I was not there when they had sex. I could not be with her 24 hours a day or 7 days a week. It was not my fault. If I knew about [it] I would have stopped it. Everyone thought it was my fault. I lost a lot of friends over this and so did my daughter. Those friends were not really our friends.
I was devstated. I thought my daughter's life was over. My husband and I really thought that our daughter was not mature enough to handle this. To us she was still a baby. She wanted to keep her baby so we talked about it and decided to let her keep him. He was hers. No matter what she would always be his Mom. I knew the change in her eyes to look for. If you are a Mom you know the look I am talking about it. I knew what to look for. So when my grandson was born, I handed him to my daughter and immediatly she had that look of a Mother. She started to count his fingers and his toes. She kissed him and just held him in her arms. At that moment I knew she was going to be fine.
I felt like sometimes I was on a roller coaster and I wanted to stop to get off but it would not stop. Everytime I thought it was going to stop it just got faster and faster. Then other days I felt as though I was on a row boat without the paddles in the middle of a sea storm with the waves crashing down on the boat. I felt all alone. Like I was the only one going through this. No one would listen to me. No matter what I said to my daughter she did not want me to talk to anyone about it.
My husband -- well he is another story. He just acted like nothing was wrong. I thought at one time I was going to have slap him to see if he was still here with me. But when our grandson was born something changed within him... it was amazing. Something wonderful was finally coming from this world of darkness. I could finally see the light. It just dawned me one day to support my daughter.
To us we had no choice but to support our daughter. We took on that responsibility the day she was born. We were parents through bad times as well as good times. Every parent is there for their kids when they get good grades or bad grades, when they scrape their knees, when they get their heart broken. Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. Yes, it's a thankless job at times. But sometimes it's a rewarding job.
Every child is a gift from God. You don't choose your parents or your children -- God does. You don't choose when your children are born, God does. I know we do stuff all the time that God does not like. But does he turn us away when we do those things. No! He loves us regardless of what we do! I have been judged for supporting my daughter. I guess everyone thought I should have sent her away to give up her child or make her get an abortion. But it was not my choice to make. I was not the one who was pregnant, she was.
You as a parent to your teen parent have to realize that your teen is scared too. She feels like she is all alone during this. She is worried that no one will accept her or appreciate the decision she has made. It takes a strong person to go through something like this. Your daughter's or my daughter's life has not ended, it is just beginning a new chapter. Her dreams or your dreams for her has not died -- she will just to have to work harder for them and she will have to take her baby along with her. It will take her longer but she will get there. Telling her that she has just ruined her life or that her life is going to change now -- that is just ruining her self esteem. She will never do anything if you keep doing that. She knows her life is going to change. She is not stupid. You raised her to be a loving, generous person so show that to her. Practice what you preach. Take it slow, one day at a time. It will get better with time.
I read a book one time called "Daughters Gone Wild Dads Gone Crazy". Get it and read it and see if your daughter will read it too. You read the part for the dad and let her read the part for the daughter. It is amazing. It taught me a lot. Rev. Charles Stone and his daughter Heather Stone wrote the book together. In that book Charles Stone says to Remain Calm. Talk to your daughter and realize that the first thing you say to your daughter during a Major problem is what she is going to remember. Act like she is not your daughter but one of her friends that has just come to you with a problem. What would say to her. It takes one day at a time to handle this situation.
---- Article finished ----
All of the emotions Proudnana describes as she discovers her daughter's pregnancy are part of the grief cycle, which we discuss in the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News". Proudnana learned who were true friends, and we discuss "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances". Proudnana's husband reacted quite differently from her, and we discuss this in "Talking with My Husband". Proudnana talks about her daughter's feelings, which relates to the chapter "What Is My Daughter Feeling?" The advice to remain calm and pay attention to the first words out of your mouth is exactly what we recommend in the chapter "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
No comments:
Post a Comment