Talking with your teens

Need help with talking with your teens about various tougher topics?

The Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health has a series of nine modules that you can download for free.  There is a parent booklet for each (in English and Spanish), and a teen booklet for two of the topics.

Families Talking Together - Parent Materials

Latino English Version
The Basics: What Parents Need to Know
Module 1: Linking Lives: Parenting Your Teens
Module 2: Your Teen's World
Module 3: How to Help Your Teen Grow Up
Module 4: Talking the Talk
Module 5: Can We Get Along?
Module 6: You Gotta Have Friends
Module 7: Self-Esteem and Your Teen
Module 8: Helping Your Teen Say "No" to Sex
Module 9: Should I Talk to My Teen about Birth Control and Protection?

Recent teen sexuality statistics

In 2009, only 46% of high school students reported ever having had sexual intercourse.

In 2009, 32% of 9th-grade students reported ever having had sexual intercourse, compared with 62% of 12th-grade students.

Early sexual activity is associated with emotional and physical health risks such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs).  STIs, including HIV, can infect a person for a lifetime and have consequences including disability and early death.

Meanwhile, delaying sexual initiation is associated with a decrease in the number of lifetime sexual partners, and decreasing the number of lifetime partners is associated with a decrease in the rate of STIs.

Additionally, teen pregnancy is associated with a number of negative risk factors, not only for the mother but also for her child.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Sexual Activity".


You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Adolescent Births

Compared with babies born to older mothers, babies born to adolescent mothers, particularly young adolescent mothers, are at higher risk of low birthweight and infant mortality. They are more likely to grow up in homes that offer lower levels of emotional support and cognitive stimulation and they are less likely to earn high school diplomas. For the mothers, giving birth during adolescence is associated with limited educational attainment, which in turn can reduce employment prospects and earnings potential.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Adolescent Births", some of which are shown below.

There were 124,256 births to adolescents aged 15-17 in 2009, according to preliminary data. 

In 2009, 94% of births to females ages 15–17 were to unmarried mothers, compared with 62% in 1980.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Who is the pregnant single mother?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Why do teens send sexual text messages?

Why do teens send sex text messages on their cell phones?  HLN's Dr. Drew Pinsky looks into why kids are sexting.



Talk to your children about this video clip.  How do they define the word 'reputation'?  What kind of reputation do they want to have?  Do they think their online reputation could affect their chances of getting in to a good college or getting a good job in the future?  Have they sent sexual text messages on their phone?  Have they sent sexy photos of themselves?  Discuss the rules you want them to follow when using their phone and the internet.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Community College students and pregnancy

61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree,

according to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in a February 2011 report called "Briefly... Relationships and Contraceptive Use Among Community College Students" based on interviews with about 100 students.

6% of students interviewed reported that they or their partner became pregnant in the six months between the initial interview and the follow-up interview.

11% of students interviewed reported that they or their partner had a pregnancy scare in the six months between the initial interview and the follow-up interview.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics.  What are her thoughts about how to finish her education?   Has she had pregnancy scares before she confirmed she was pregnant this time?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, or join us on Facebook!

Teen pregnancy in the media

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy released their "With One Voice" survey in December. Here are some results.

Teens spend considerable time consuming media—nearly 45 hours a week according to one credible estimate. Given all the time young people spend with media, it is not unreasonable to conclude that media helps shape the social script for teens. Many adults believe that the media has contributed mightily to a coarser, more sexualized culture that has, in turn, negatively influenced young peoples’ attitudes and beliefs regarding sex and related topics.

Most teens (79% of girls and 67% of boys) agree with the following statement: “When a TV show or character I like deals with teen pregnancy, it makes me think more about my own risk of becoming pregnant/causing a pregnancy and how to avoid it.” Did your pregnant daughter think her chances of teen pregnancy were high before she became pregant?

Three-quarters of teens (76%) and adults (75%) say that what they see in the media about sex, love, and relationships can be a good way to start conversations about these topics. Yet when asked, "How often would you say you and your parents have talked about sex, love, and relationships because of something you saw in popular media like television shows?" Only 14% of teens say their parents Often talk to them about sex, love and relationships because of something you saw in the media; 33% of teens say Sometimes; 33% say Rarely, and 19% say Never. Which category do you think you fit in? Which category do your kids think you fit in?



Among those teens who have watched MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, 82% think the show helps teens better understand the challenges of teen pregnancy and parenthood and how to avoid it. Have you watched this show with your family? Do you think it fairly shows the challenges of teen pregnancy and parenthood? What does your pregnant daughter think about the teen parents in the show? How does she think she will avoid or overcome the challenges they face?

When asked how they would react to getting pregnant/causing a pregnancy, 24% of girls and 22% of boys said “it would make my life a little more challenging, but I could manage.” About seven in ten (69% of girls and 71% of boys) said “it would be a real challenge and I’m not sure how I would manage.” Which statement does your pregnant daughter agree with more?

Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, or join us on Facebook!

Sex and expectations

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy released their "With One Voice" survey in December. Here are some results.

Most teens (65% of girls and 57% of boys) who have had sex say they wish they had waited. Does your pregnant daughter wish she had waited to become sexually active?

Significant percentages of teens (63%) and adults (72%) agree that “teen boys often receive the message that they are expected to have sex.” What are your thoughts on this? What do your children think? What things do your kids think sends this message to boys?

Most teens (71%) and adults (77%) also agree that “teen girls often receive the message that attracting boys and looking sexy is one of the most important things they can do.” What are your thoughts? What do your children think? What things do your kids think sends this message to girls?

Most teens (93% of girls and 88% of boys) say they would rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend and not have sex rather than have sex but not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. In other words, a relationship is supposedly more important than sex.

Most teens (71%) and adults (81%) agree that sharing nude or semi-nude images of themselves or other teens electronically (through cell phones, websites, and/or social media networks) leads to more sex in real life.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.
Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, or join us on Facebook!

Parent Power

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unwanted Pregnancy released their "With One Voice" survey in December. Here are some results.

Teens continue to say that parents (46%) most influence their decisions about sex. By comparison, just 20% say friends most influence their decisions. There is a large body of social science research suggesting that overall closeness between parents and their children, shared activities, parent presence in the home, and parental caring and concern are all associated with a reduced risk of early sex and teen pregnancy. Teens who are close to their parents and feel supported by them are more likely to delay sex and to have fewer sexual partners.

80% of teens say that it would be much easier for teens to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents. Parents should consider clarifying their own attitudes and values by thinking about the following kinds of questions:
What do you really think about school-aged teens being sexually active? Who is responsible for setting limits in relationships and how is that done realistically? What do you think about your sons and daughters using contraception?

87% of teens agree that they think it is important for teens to be given a strong message that they should not have sex until they are at least out of high school. Do you find this surprising, considering how much media says that teaching abstinence is silly? When do you want your children to start having sex?

62% of teens wish they were able to talk more openly about relationships with their parents. Teens want to hear not just about biology, but about healthy relationships.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.
Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, or join us on Facebook!

2009 Birthrate data

The CDC recently released its preliminary report on birth data for 2009.

The birth rate for U.S. teenagers fell 6% in 2009 according to preliminary data, the lowest level ever recorded in nearly seven decades of tracking teenage childbearing (since 1940). The number of births to teenagers under age 20 also fell 6%. The rate for 2009 was 37% lower than in 1991.

The birth rate for teens aged 15-17 declined 7%, and is now 48% lower than the rate reported in 1991.

The birth rate for teens aged 18-19 declined 6%, and is now 30% lower than the rate reported in 1991.

The birth rate for college-aged (20-24 years old) women declined 7% during 2009.

The birth rate for unmarried women declined almost 4% from 2008 to 2009. This is the first time since 1996 that the total number of births to unmarried women declined instead of increasing. While the total number declined, nonmarital births to women aged 30 and older actually increased.

Teens accounted for just 21% of all nonmarital births in 2009, whereas in 1975 teens were 52% of nonmarital births.

High school clinic facilitates abortion

A Seattle, Washington, high school recently made the news because the in-school "health center" sent a 15 year old girl for an abortion during school hours. The teen took a pregnancy test at the school clinic, and at some point was put in a taxi and sent off to have an abortion. The mother of the teen says that the teen was told that if she concealed the abortion from her family that the abortion would be free of charge.

Washington state does not require a parent to give consent for a minor to have an abortion, nor does it require a parent to even be notified. Only a few states require neither parental notification nor parental consent: Connecticut, DC, Hawaii, New Hampshire, New York, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington.

If the high school your children attend has an in-school clinic, find out who runs the clinic... is it run by the school districit or by a separate medical provider? Exactly what services does the clinic provide? Are you able to opt-in to some services for your child, but opt-out of other services? What is the clinic's policy on pregnancy tests, abortion referrals, and other sexuality issues?

Discuss dating

The National Fatherhood Initiative has tips on talking to your sons and daughters about dating.

Talk to your teens about these items:
1) Set your expectations about behavior. Explain why you want to meet their date and ask them questions: that you understand and trust your children but that it is your job as a parent to protect them. So let your teens know you will want to talk to the people they date.

2) Follow through and ask those questions! Get to know the person that is taking out your child. How are they doing in school? What are their favorite and least favorite subjects? What are their goals following school? Are they currently working? Where? What are their beliefs? Do they attend religious services? Where? What do they like about them? What do their parents do for a living?

3) Tell your child and their date that you expect clear boundaries and be specific about what is off-limits. For example, explain your expected limits on kissing and touching; on being alone; on alcohol and drugs; appropriate places to go and activities; and on communcation (how often are they allowed to see each other? talk on the phone? text? etc)

4) Make sure your kids know they can always talk to you about dating. Listen when they talk, by not jumping to conclusions or immediately trying to solve the situation.

Sexual purity, step 3

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.

To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.

Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.

Sexual purity, step 2

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?

Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?

All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.

Sexual purity, step 1

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.

1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?

Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."

She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.

Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Review: Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti

"Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spahetti" by Chad Eastham with Bill & Pam Farrel

This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.

The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.

Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:

• The rebel dater who simply wants to show independence and gain freedom.
• "Dating for a daddy"...girls that are looking for love to replace the love they are not getting from their fathers. This may be especially true in single parent families.
• Serial dating... constantly jumping from relationship to relationship because the person feels they can't be alone.
• "Missionary dating" ..."This term describes people who date others with very different religious and social viewpoints from their own with the hope of 'converting' them."

Near the end of the book, Chad talks about sex. He reminds readers that guys and girls have sex for different reasons: guys give love in order to get sex, girls give sex in order to get love. Discuss this with your kids.

Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:

• 96% of high school relationships will not last. Chad discusses the idea that dating in high school should strive not to involve deep committment and romantic emotions (and also be very limited physically) in order to protect yourself from heartbreak (due to the fact that so few of these relationships last). Talk about Chad's question with your kids: "If I were to tell you that you will date someone but that you probably won't marry that person, then what would you do differently in that relationship?" Most girls say they would be less likely to be sexual with their boyfriend.
• "The younger you start dating and the more often you date people, the higher your odds are of experiencing unhealthy relationship habits, negative feelings, depression, a poor self-image, sexual abuse, rape, less relationship satisfaction, and a higher risk of suicide."
• "The average age difference for married couples in the United States is just over two years. The average difference in age between teen girls who get pregnant and the guys who get them pregnant is 6.2 years."

The back of the book has a study guide that has questions that would be great conversation starters.

Attitudes About Cohabitation

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"According to national estimates, the proportion of women that had cohabited by their late thirties has steadily increased from 30 percent in 1987, to almost 50 percent in 1995, to 61 percent by 2002."

The survey asked the question, "It is all right for an unmarried couple to live together even if they are not interested in considering marriage." 57% of survey respondants agreed with this statement, 19% were neutral, and 24% disagreed. 46% of married young adults agreed, 70% of young adults currently cohabiting agreed, 59% of those in a relationship but not living together agreed, and 60% of those not in any relationship agreed.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and family about these statistics. What are your opinions about marriage and cohabitation? What does your family think and why?

Attitudes About A Successful Relationship

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"The Add Health survey identifies four elements that may serve as barometers of the relationship quality of couples between the ages of 20 and 24: love, fidelity, lifelong commitment, and having enough money. Respondents rated the importance of these elements for a successful relationship using a 1-10 scale in which 1 indicates not important at all and 10 indicates very important."

81% of men and 91% of women responding to the survey agreed that love is a very important component of a successful relationship. Similarly, 85% of men and 93% of women said that being faithful is very important. 72% of men and 82% of women said that making a lifelong committment is very important to a successful relationship. "More than 90% of married respondants said that they regarded love and fidelity as important elements of a relationship."

Only 26% of men and 21% of women said that having enough money is very important to a successful relationship. "Young adults who were cohabiting were somewhat more likely to feel that having enough money was a very important element of a successful relationship." In my experience, not having enough money is a main reason why pregnant couples say they couldn't possibly get married. Maybe money isn't as important to their long-term relationship as they think it is.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. How important do they think that love, being faithful, and making a lifelong committment are to a successful relationship?

Types of Young Adult Relationships

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

Survey results show that 76% of young adults (ages 20-24) were in a romantic relationship of some sort: 35% said they were dating but not living together, 21% were married, and 20% were cohabitating.

Nearly 90% of the survey respondants said that they had had sexual intercourse at some point. If we subtract the 21% who are married (because I hope they have a healthy sexual relationship!), then 69% of young adults surveyed who are not married have had sex. The Brief says "The vast majority of young adults have had sexual intercourse", referring to the 90% figure, but they are casually including the married young adults in order to make this number look so huge!

October is "Let's talk" month

The National Campaign to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy reminds parents that October is "Let's talk" month, and encourages parents to have lots of little talks about sex and relationships, not one big talk. Here are Ten Tips they offer to parents:

1) Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions:
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active - and perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
What do you think about teenagers using contraception?

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell kids candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too.
Here are questions that kids say they want you to talk to them about:
How do I know if I'm in love?
Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
How will I know when I'm ready to have sex?
Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular?
Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work?
Can you get pregnant the first time?

Be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:
I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today's risks.
Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say "no"?
It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a teenager.
One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to unprotected sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but are also engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different - but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood - don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl - sometimes they even have money and a car to boot. But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant - or causing pregnancy - can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and to set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate" - think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?).
Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

---

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Teens with Older Sexual Partners

Child Trends published a fact sheet in April 2008 titled "Long-term consequences for teens with older sexual partners". This research examines whether having sexual intercourse before age 16 with a partner at least three years older was associated with becoming a teen parent or unmarried parent or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by young adulthood (post-high school through the early twenties).

Findings:
1) 18% (nearly 1 in 5) middle school and high school girls reported having sex with an partner who who was three or more years older than themselves. Only 4% of boys were in the same position.
2) 55% of girls and 61% of boys reported that they had not yet had sexual intercourse by middle school or high school.
3) Girls who had an older sexual partner were more likely to acquire an STD, and more likely to have had a baby outside marriage by young adulthood.
4) Girls who had sex before age 16 with a partner at least three years older were twice as likely to test positive for an STD in young adulthood.
5) 27% of the girls in the research study reported that they had had at least one nonromantic sexual partner during adolescence.

Talk to your teens and college students about the dangers of dating someone that is more than 3 years older than themselves while they are not yet adults. The maturity and power differences pose serious risks until your children are adults themselves. Read our other blog entries about this topic: "Age differences in dating", "Sexual Behavior in America's Children", and "Teen Dating Abuse".