Secrets

By blogging about alternative living arrangements such as maternity homes, and about adoption, we've touched painful places in people's lives. A Christian pregnant single faces difficult decisions no matter what she chooses: being a single mother can be difficult (see here, here, here, and here for example to see what challenges the single mother and child will need to solve), being married can be difficult (what relationship on earth does NOT have its ups and downs??), having an abortion can be difficult (see here, here and here), and making an adoption plan can be difficult. There are no easy paths, and these decisions affect not only the future physical, emotional and spiritual health of the woman and her child but also the baby's father, her family and the family of the baby's father. No decision should be made casually or quickly..they all require research, prayer, Godly input from outside sources, and time to think the decision over carefully.

Here are bits of the emails we got recently that we'd like to respond to.

As a Christian myself I was always raised with the belief that children were blessings from God. Certainly it was considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage, but that child was not the sin, simply the mother's actions. Certainly I'm not an adovcate of running around getting pregnant without being married, however it concerns me that you are encouraging parents (of WOMEN 25 and under...well above the legal minor age of 18), to continue to judge their daughters if they get pregnant.

We absolutely agree that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 is very clear about children, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 139 also discusses the wonder of children: "13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. " (NLT)

In this previous post (and this one, among others) we also agree that we should not love the sin, but should love the sinner. With social researchers and commentators saying that adolesence now persists into the mid 20s or even 30s (here and here, for example), with more and more college graduates (up to 50%) moving back in with their parents, with age 25 being the average age of marriage for women in America currently, parents of both teens and 20-somethings may find themselves with a pregnant single under their roof. Should these Christian parents be judging their daughters? (Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." and Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.") So no, judging is not appropriate as Christians. But parents do have to evaluate actions and consequences as with any other situation (Proverbs 10:17; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11; Revelation 3:19; and others). Christian families with pregnant singles do exist and some of them do desire advice from a Christian perspective. These are the families we're attempting to reach out to.

It seems as if your blog is promoting shame and secrecy, much like eras past where women were sent to maternity homes to hide their unwed pregnancies.

We definitely do not want to promote secrecy! Consider, though, that there are many reasons for a pregnant woman to live at a maternity home besides secrecy! Sometimes the pregnant woman is homeless for various reasons. Sometimes she needs to escape from damaging relationships. Sometimes she desires the in-depth counseling, education classes and skill building classes that many maternity homes offer. Sometimes she wants to live with other pregnant women so that she doesn't feel alone in her situation. Most maternity homes interview the pregnant woman...if she doesn't want to be there, they probably won't accept her into their program. Most maternity homes have waiting lists of women that actively want to be there and they will not allocate a bed to those who do not want the program they offer. As we mention in our post about maternity homes, "forcing" someone to live there makes many more long-term problems than it may solve short term.

Both the pregnant woman and her parents need to think and pray a lot about any decision about the preborn child where the main motivation is secrecy. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy," we talk several times about the fact that secrecy can be very damaging emotionally and spiritually. Two chapters, "Trying to Hide", and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in particular deal with this topic.

Thank you for reading our blog, we welcome your feedback!