Fathers Need Training & Support Too

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

Mothers are not the only ones who need training in child care skills and parenting skills. Fathers need this education too! Ask the baby's father or the man who is going to be a father figure for the child if they are willing to receive some training. Find fatherhood training classes at your local pregnancy resource center, a local church, or a men's group such as Promise Keepers.

The Dad E-mail is a weekly e-newsletter filled with helpful hints and tips just for dads! It offers relevant ideas for connecting to your children, balancing work and family, handling tough family issues, and more. Ask the father of your daughter's child to sign up for this newsletter. You can sign up for it too, and then discuss the newsletter each week.

The Fatherhood Initiative also has an online brochure with "Ten Ways to be a Better Dad". Read it and discuss it (with your daughter, family, and the baby's father). Here are the main points:

1. Respect your children's mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father's job is never done.

Talk with your daughter about these points:

• Does she feel that the baby's father respects her? What actions and attitudes does she think are involved in 'respect'? What are your thoughts about respect? In what ways does the baby's father respect her and not respect her? Does she respect the baby's father? What changes could each of them make to have/show more respect to each other? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will play this role of demonstrating respect for her in front of her child?
  
• With your daughter, write up a sample schedule for the typical weekday and another schedule for the typical weekend day. This schedule should be a projection for what life will be like after her baby is born, not what life is like right now while she is pregnant. Include sleep, school, work, chores, etc. Try to be as realistic (not optimistic) as possible. When will she schedule time to read to her child? Play with her child? Ask the baby's father to do the same exercise, and compare the schedules. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will spend daily time with her child? What is he willing to commit to on a daily basis to provide a father figure by spending daily time with her child?
• In "earn the right to be heard", the brochure says, "Begin talking with your kids when they are very young so that difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older. Take time and listen to their ideas and problems." Discuss with your daughter what it was like in your family when you were a child. Did your parents talk about difficult subjects with you? Did your parents have good listening skills? Now ask your daughter about her impressions of growing up: did you discuss difficult subjects with her when she was young? When have you had good listening skills and less than perfect listening skills? What concrete steps would she like to take so that she is a good parent in these areas? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be involved in discussing life issues with her child?
  
• There are lots of good parenting books out there which discuss discipline. Discuss with your daughter what the word 'discipline' meant when you were a child in your family. Did your parents discipline you with love? What limits and consequences did your parent set as you grew up? Then discuss what things you did the same as your parents, and what things you tried to do differently from your own parents as your raised your daughter. Ask your daughter what 'discipline' means to her. What does 'discipline with love' mean to her? Talk to her about the ideas you had about discipline before you became a parent, and how becoming a parent changed those ideas. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be help provide discipline to her child?
  
• Ask your daughter which man is a role model to her of what a man is supposed to be like. Which man is a role model to her of what a father is supposed to be like? What qualities do these men have that she admires and dislikes? What would a fictional perfect man & father be like, in her opinion? When you were growing up yourself, who were your man/father role models? What qualities did they have that you admired and disliked? Discuss the baby's father: what good role model qualities does he currently have? What does he need to improve? Is he willing to make any changes to become a better role model? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be a role model to her child?
  
• Does your family currently eat together at least once a day? It doesn't have to be dinner..it could be breakfast or lunch too. This is an important time to debrief. What can you all do to make it a habit that the family eats together once a day?
  
• Your daughter may feel like she's too old to be read to by you anymore, but what if you were reading a book about parenting skills, or pregnancy? Or if reading outloud to each other really is out of the question, what if you and she were reading the same book separately? You may not need two copies..just two bookmarks. Or, make sure to stay in sync in your reading, discussing as you go. Keep the book in a common place...the kitchen? dining room? living room? so that you might both see the book regularly. What are your daughter's plans to read to her child? She doesn't have to wait until the child is a toddler to be reading to him/her...she can start even now before the baby is born!
  
• Discuss with your daughter what it was like growing up in your own family in terms of the display of affection. What did your parents do to show affection to you? What did they do to show affection to each other? Ask her what she remembers about how affection was displayed to her as a child. What are her plans for displaying affection to her child? If the baby's father won't be involved in raising her child, which man will display affection to her child? What would she consider an appropriate display from this man, and an inappropriate display from this man?

As you can see, there's a LOT to talk and think about. Both mothers and fathers have a demanding job in raising children. Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.