Self-Esteem

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Building my self-esteem: self-talk skills". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

This lesson says that "Self Esteem is defined as the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the value that you place on those beliefs."

Did your pregnant daughter have a good level of self-esteem before she got pregnant? Or did low self-esteem play a part in her sexual activity that led to pregnancy? Does she value herself and her body? Or is she willing to trade her body in order to feel some sort of love or respect? How is her self-esteem now that she is pregnant? Ask your daughter what kinds of things she says to herself. Does she say to herself, "I made a mistake but I can fix that area of weakness" or does she say to herself, "I'm so stupid. I'm such a slut. I'm worthless. No one could truly love me unless I give them sex"?

How about your own self-esteem now that your daughter is pregnant? Are you telling yourself things like "I'm a failure as a parent"?

This lesson says that "High self-esteem is the realization that you can make mistakes and still like yourself despite your mistakes. Accepting your shortcomings and working on improving
yourself are important steps towards building your selfesteem."

Why is self-esteem important? Because when a "person believes that something is true about him or herself, it will affect his or her actions. Thoughts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The way we interpret other people’s actions and words will be based on what we think about ourselves. The way we feel about ourselves affects our relationships."

If your daughter believes that she is worthless, or that she is a slut, she will tend to act that way. She may allow herself to be in unhealthy relationships because she doesn't believe that she is worthy of a healthy relationship. Now that she is pregnant, your daughter's self-esteem may plummet because of the unkind things that people say about her at school, church, or even in your family. Yet her self-esteem is even more important now that she is responsible not only for her own life but for the life of your grandchild, her child, as well. For her own physical safety as well as the safety of your grandchild, your daughter needs enough self-esteem to help her feel worthy of getting out of any abusive relationships, taking care of herself by eating right and getting medical care, and making choices that can improve her future and her child's future.

Improving self-esteem takes time and effort, just like getting physically fit.

This lessons says that step one to improving self-esteem is to "first become aware of your beliefs about yourself and then actively work to change the ones that are untrue, irrational, and destructive to you." Have your daughter write a list of things she doesn't like about herself. Then she should pick one of the items and say outloud a statement that is the opposite. For example, if she wrote down a negative like "I am clumsy" then she should say something positive like "I am graceful." For each statement on her list of negatives, write down its positive. Read these positive statements outloud. When she notices that the tapes in her head are repeating anything negative, she should say outloud to herself the positive opposite instead. With enough repetition, she can replace the negative self-talk with talk that is more positive. If she can't start out with the actively positive statements, she should at least practice telling herself things like "I will do better next time," and "I can do this."

The above activity focused on weaknesses. Now lets look at strengths. Have your daughter write out these lists:
1) Things I am pretty good at:
2) Things other people compliment me on:
3) Things I have worked hard on (or am working hard on):
4) Things I am proud of about myself:
5) Things I accomplished this year:
6) A dream (goal) I am working on:

Step two is to imagine the person you would like to become. Have your daughter write a description of how she would like to be described five years from now. What qualities would she like to have? What kind of parent would she like to be? What kind of employee would she like to be? What kind of friend would she like to be? What kind of student would she like to be? Ask your daughter to start acting as if she were that person right now. In recovery groups, they use the phrase "fake it till you make it" to summarize this step. For example, if she wants to be more patient with other people, she should figure out what actions patient people take. Then when she feels impatient she should take patient actions even though she feels impatient. Over time, this will help her actually feel the emotion of patience.

Step three is to learn to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually. For each of these areas, have your daughter write down three things that she can do to improve herself. The first should be something she can do TODAY to improve that area. The next should be something she can do over the next month to improve that area. The third should be something she can work on for the next year to improve that area.

Parents, you probably have some areas of your life that could use a little improvement too. Complete these exercises yourself and see if your family life is more satisfying as the whole family makes changes.

You or your daughter may benefit from talking about this issue with an objective third party, such as a professional counselor, pastor, or peer counselor. See if you can spot the difference between low self-esteem in your daughter and depression. If your daughter is depressed, get her the medical and counseling help she needs as soon as possible.