Anger is a very common emotional reaction in a family that learns that their single daughter (sister) is pregnant. As we've discussed on many occassions, anger is a normal part of the grief cycle. Your family is grieving many things related to a unmarried daughter's pregnancy. Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger. But DO learn how to express is appropriately, and how to manage anger so that it is not overwhelming. Anger should not control your actions or your decisions.
The lesson has a great worksheet to help people learn about their anger style. Print out a copy for each person, and have them score each of the questions. This is a copy of the questions on the anger survey:
1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way.
2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry with them.
3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to their face.
4. I disagree with others without attacking them on a personal level or becoming defensive.
5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems cannot be resolved.
6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry.
7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing my anger.
9. I have a tendency to be depressed or moody.
10. I look for mutually agreeable solutions when people disagree with me.
11. I politely, but firmly tell others when I am angry.
12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry.
13. I suppress my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or overeating.
14. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
15. I take some time to calm down before talking with others about disagreements.
16. I try not to let my anger show.
17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make people look bad or feel bad.
18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something.
19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something.
20. When I am angry I become silent, to make it obvious that I am unhappy.
Before you discuss your scores, talk about the main points of the lesson:
- Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.
- It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger.
- Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people experience it more intensely and more often than other people.
- Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.
- Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.
- Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.
- When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.
- Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.
Talk with your family about anger: Can anger result in something good happening? If so, give an example. Give an example of something bad that can happen when someone expresses anger.
Tally up each person's response to the anger survey, using the Key in the lesson. What is each person's current method of handling anger? Read the descriptions of each anger management style from the lesson. How has each person demonstrated their anger style during the stress of your daughter's pregnancy so far?
Anger management Style A - Open Agression: Using physical or verbal force to respond to a situation that makes you angry. Open aggression often leads to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving.
Style B - Suppressed Anger: Pretending that you are not angry, stuffing your anger and hoping it will go away. People who have this style of anger management may develop headaches,
ulcers, stomachaches, or other physical illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving.
Style C - Passive Aggressive: Showing anger in indirect ways, such as pouting, refusing to talk, slamming doors, stomping feet, sarcasm, and gossiping. These responses often lead to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving instead.
Style D - Assertive Problem Solving: First, be aware that you are angry. Express your anger in an honest and polite way. Confront people without making personal attacks. Don't become defensive. Brainstorm solutions to the problem that would be mutually acceptable. Release your angry feelings and forgive, let go of grudges and bitterness.
Assertive Problem Solving can be remembered by the acrostic ACTS:
A - Be AWARE of your anger. How does your body react when you start to get angry? Pay attention to how your body is feeling.
C - CONTROL your response. Think before you act. What reponse choices are available? What are the pros and cons of each? What solutions are available? What are the pros and cons of each solution? Your goal is to meet your needs without hindering the needs of others.
T - TALK about the problem in a calm, polite and assertive way. Talk about differences without using personal attacks and without becoming defensive. Use the "WIN" method of confrontation: "When...(something happens)", "I feel...". "I NEED/want...(particular action to happen)." For example, "When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.”
S - SOLVE the problem in a mutually acceptable way. If the situation is not solvable, then you have three choices:
1) Change your way of thinking about the event. So, in relation to your daughter's pregnancy, you might need to change your way of thinking about her pregnancy. She is carrying your grandchild, not just some blob of tissue. As difficult as life may become going forward, this child, your grandchild, will also be a blessing. Your daughter can't become un-pregnant. Abortion will not change the fact that she was pregnant. It will simply make her the mother of a dead child, and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild. So change your way of thinking about her pregnancy.
2) Get help and counseling. You can find resources and counseling for your pregnant daughter and maybe other family members at your local pregnancy help center, your church, private counselors, social services, charities, and your friends and family. Reach out to your support network and brainstorm positive solutions to the challenges your family faces. Avoid courses of action that will hurt and damage each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a time to pull together, not to tear each other down and destroy the family.
3) Withdraw from the situation. If you or your family member(s) are at risk of being physically abused by someone's anger, get help to escape from harm. If you feel angry enough to hurt someone, leave until you have calmed down. Avoid alcohol and drugs when you are angry - they can help you to act violently or in aggressive ways that are harmful to yourself and others.
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