Apryl got pregnant at 16 while "just experimenting with sex with her first boyfriend" (who was 19). Parents, don't let your minor daughter "date" a man who is an adult! Apryl says that her boyfriend didn't pressure her into sex...that she "just wanted to know what sex was like." The power difference caused by the age difference is too dangerous for your daughter. Apryl may not have been explicitly pressured, but there may not have been a need for an adult man to pressure a 16 year old... the power level difference did all the pressuring for him. Ask your pregnant daughter how she came to be sexually active. How old was she and how old was her partner? Was she pressured? Was she experimenting? What other risk-filled behaviors has she experimented with or been pressured into? Has she experimented with or been pressured into smoking, drugs and alcohol?
At 16, Apryl was a high school junior taking honors classes and piano lessons, and participating in beauty pageants. She says "My mother was very protective, but I felt smothered. I wanted to experience things for myself." Ask your pregnant daughter if she felt like Apryl. Ask her how she would protect her daughter without her own child feeling smothered.
Apryl was scared to tell her mother about being pregnant, so she hid her pregnancy for 6 months until a cousin pointed out to her mother that Apryl had been gaining weight. Apryl's mom asked Apryl if she was pregnant. Apryl said, "When I confessed, it was such a relief." Ask your pregnant daughter what she was feeling in the time between discovering she was pregnant and you finding out about it. Was your pregnant daughter also relieved when the secret was revealed? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Hearing the Shocking News" and "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
Apryl and her boyfriend had talked about abortion, but "were on the fence about it." When Apryl's mother took her to an abortion clinic, they found that Apryl's son was too developed to be aborted in Virginia. When Apryl heard the explanation for how a second trimester abortion is performed, she said, "No, I'm not going to do that. I knew I couldn't live with myself. My mother understood, but at the same time, she was upset. She didn't talk to me for two months." Ask your pregnant daughter if she had investigated aborting her child. What were her feelings?
Apryl said that being pregnant in high school was difficult. The school administration wanted her to attend a different high school that had a program for pregnant girls and focused on parenting classes. But Apryl wanted to stay in her accelerated class program. Ask your pregnant daughter if she wants to stay at her current school or if she wants to attend a program that can teach her parenting skills. You might find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
The last week of her junior year, she gave birth to her son. Apryl's mother wouldn't let Apryl have an epidural because "She wanted me to experience the pain of labor, which was bad. That experience definitely made me think." A week after giving birth, Apryl was back at high school to take her final exams. Talk to your pregnant daughter about writing up a birth plan. Do research together to learn about hospital policies and about the areas where your daughter has options in the birth process. You might find it helpful to read the chapter "The baby is born" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Apryl returned to high school for her senior year and also had a part-time job. Apryl's mother "wanted me to experience motherhood, so she made it clear that she wasn't going to get up in the middle of the night to take care of my baby." Talk to your pregnant daughter about what kinds of help you will give and what things she must do for herself. Write down your list. Is your help dependent on anything (like good grades, etc.)?
Apryl's aunt ran a home daycare that took care of her son while she was in school, and the father's baby (who had joined the Army) sent part of his paycheck to help pay for daycare. Talk to your pregnant daughter about child care. Who will provide care while she is in school or at work? How will she pay for child care? What will she do when her child is sick and isn't allowed to go to child care? What help will the baby's father be providing? Will his family help care for their child, or will he contribute money? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Apryl graduated high school on time and with honors, and started college which she discovered was more difficult than high school. "At one point, I had to cut back with college and go only part time while working full-time as an administrative assistant." Talk to your pregnant daughter about her plans for college. How will she pay tuition? How will she pay for child care while she is in class or working?
Apryl says, "I never resented the baby, but I did begin to second-guess myself and wonder if I was ever going to finish school and accomplish my goals. When Avion (her son) was 2, I broke up with his father, who had gotten kicked out of the Army. I needed to be with someone who was ambitious because I had lots of things I wanted to do. I needed to be with someone more proactive." We recently wrote about the fact that most couples who have a baby outside of marriage have broken up before the baby is 5 years old. What are your pregnant daughter's hopes for her relationship with the baby's father? Does he have the qualities she is looking for in a husband and father to her child? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", "Should she make an adoption plan?" and "Our hope for the next five years" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Today, Apryl has been married and divorced. Her son, Avion, is 19 and in college full time with a full-time job. "He still has contact with his father even though his father wasn't around much at all when he was growing up despite the fact that we've always lived in the same city." Talk to your pregnant daughter about this... how will she feel if her baby's father does not participate in raising their child? How will she feel if he is in the same town as herself and their child yet he's not involved with them? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
At 36, Apryl looks back at her life and says, "Having a child so young forced me to grow up quickly. I wish I would have waited to be in a serious relationship and dated more, gone on trips and had the chance to go to movies, dances, and parties - all those fun things you do when you're in high school and college." Having a baby outside of marriage can mean the loss of many dreams. Talk to your pregnant daughter about her fears and her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her with her college dreams and also benefit the child with a two-parent family that is ready to support a child?
Apryl continues, "I don't feel the urge to make up for lost time, but I know I missed out on a lot because I had to stay home and be a mother. With Avion, I've worked on having a more open relationship than I had with my own mother. I want him to feel like he can tell me anything about sex, peer pressure, and dating. I've never tried to hide my experiences. I tell him that I don't regret having him because I believe it brought me to where I am today." Talk to your pregnant daughter about this comment. Tell your daughter how you felt when you became a mother... did you feel you missed out on things? Did you feel you had to stay home and be a mother? Do you feel that you've had a more open relationship with your daughter than you had with your own mother? Ask your daughter how she thinks she will parent differently. What would she do differently so that her child can talk more easily to her about sex, peer pressure, and dating than she was able to talk to you?
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