Reducing Conflict and Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Resolving Conflicts and Anger- Improving Situations Through Communication ". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

You know that your daughter's pregnancy can stir up a lot of emotion in your family. We've discussed several times how each person in the family may be processing their own grief cycle of shock, anger, depression, and bargaining. This lesson teaches a method of communicating that may help your family reduce the conflict and anger.

First, let's look at the lesson's questionnaire. Have each person fill out the questions, then compare answers.

When I am having a problem, disagreement or am in conflict with someone, I usually… (Check all that apply.)

• Put off dealing with the situation
• Get mad, get loud so I get my way
• Try to meet the other person half way
• Criticize or attack the other person
• Give a lot of reasons to show I’m right
• Just give in but find another way to punish the person
• Treat the other person as if s/he is a child who needs a parent to explain how the conflict will be resolved
• Try to help the other person get what s/he wants
• Complain or sulk until I get my way
• Explain my point of view, ask the other person to do the same, and listen to his/her response
• Keep my ideas to myself
• Change the subject
• Find humor in the situation and try not to take yourself too seriously
• Try to understand the other person’s point of view
• Get another person to decide who’s right
• Try to work out a compromise that we both can agree to
  

The type of person I find it easiest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

The type of person I find it hardest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

Ideally, I would like to communicate my needs during a conflict in the following way(s)...

Often times when people are angry, they don't communicate as carefully as when they are calm. Discuss the worksheets in the lesson, and see if your entire family can start practicing this way of communicating.

"Sometimes people in anger, begin a conversation or an argument with phrases like, “You always,” or “You never,” that make the receiver of the message very defensive."

"One communication strategy to help reduce conflict is to use the “W.I.N. Strategy.” WIN stands for: “When you..., I feel..., I need...”

"The WIN strategy changes the emphasis from an attack on the other person, to how the other person’s actions make the speaker feel."

The WIN strategy:

W = When you (state the specific behavior that bothers you)
I = I feel (express your feeling or thought)
N = I need/want (state the specific behavior you would like instead)