Words Matter

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Words Matter- Positive Strokes ". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

Having a pregnant teen or college-aged daughter in your family can be very emotional for the entire family. Many of those emotions may be negative: fear, anger, shame, embarrassment, confusion, depression, blame, etc. Your entire family needs extra love and support during this experience. With so much emotion and possibly lots of negativity, each member of your family can feel wounded. This lesson looks at how your family can talk to each other to help support and heal each other rather than tear each other to shreds.

"People have a “hunger” or desire to have their human psychological needs met. One desire is the need to feel that others recognize the positive things about you."

While it may be true that your daughter has acted sinfully by being involved in sex outside of marriage, this action does not define her entire person. She still has many positive qualities despite her actions. Similarly, while it might be true that you were not the perfect attentive parent, this action does not define your entire person either. There are many positive qualities about you despite your parenting actions.

With your family and daughter, read over the worksheet in this lesson, titled "Strokes":
"Eric Berne points out in his book Games People Play that humans are “stroke hungry.” This means that in order to have a full and meaningful life, a person has to be acknowledged by others. A stroke is defined as a unit of human recognition. As infants, we receive most of our strokes through touch; in fact, studies have shown that infants have died because of a lack of touch. Touch remains a stroke throughout life, but as we mature, words and various non-verbal ways of getting strokes are added. If we don’t get enough strokes, we suffer from stroke hunger. It is important for us to understand that strokes are NOT A LUXURY BUT A BASIC NECESSITY for us to survive."

"Strokes can be positive or negative. A simple hug is a positive stroke and usually makes the recipient feel good. This is the kind of strokes we like to receive. When people do not get positive strokes, they would rather have negative strokes than none at all. For example, a person can learn to survive being yelled at or ridiculed more easily than being ignored or treated with indifference. With negative strokes, at least the individual’s presence is acknowledged. Positive and negative strokes can also be given for doing something, for behaving in a certain way. This is called a conditional stroke."

How do the various members of your family give out strokes? Pay more attention to the strokes your family members are giving and receiving today. What qualities in yourself do you wish your family would appreciate more? Do you give more negative or postivie strokes to your daughter now that she is pregnant? Do you tend to give out conditional strokes (focusing on behavior) rather than unconditional strokes? Could you think of ways to affirm your daughter as a person? What good qualities does she have? What positive actions has she taken recently?

The lesson also talks about "discounting":
"In order to increase our self-esteem, we must be aware of how we strengthen ourselves. The term 'discounting' means anything that devalues us as human beings. Discounting can have negative effects. When you receive a compliment, accept it as a positive stroke. Don’t discount the compliment by having negative thoughts or disagreeing. Some of the ways that people discount a compliment or positive stroke is to turn it into a negative. They might respond by looking embarrassed, shaking heads, looking down, or disagreeing with the compliment. For example, if a person tells you, “You look nice in those clothes.” A person who has low self-esteem may discount the compliment by blushing and responding with, “This old thing. It’s about ready for the rag bag.” Look for body language that indicates ways in which you or others discount positive strokes."

What habits do your family members have that they use to discount compliments? Talk about these habits. You and your family may find it helpful to get emotional support and counseling from a pregnancy help center, your church leadership, or a professional counselor. Don't let this experience of your daughter's pregnancy destroy your family: get the help you need!