Local help

The Rolla Daily News recently had an article about their local pregnancy help center. That article tells this story of one of their real clients:

Baby Kaylee was just born not more than seven days ago. Kaylee’s parents Kelly and Casper admit their daughter’s birth would not have been if not for the Pregnancy Resource Center in Rolla.“I had scheduled an abortion two times and I’m so happy the Pregnancy Resource Center assisted me, because if we hadn’t met them, Kaylee would not have been born and we can’t imagine her not being here.” Kelly says it was the best decision she ever made to give birth to her daughter and she and her husband Casper couldn’t be happier with their new addition. Kelly says the Pregnancy Center not only helped her in making the right decision to have her daughter, but it assisted her throughout her entire pregnancy and is currently providing her with parenting classes. “They are there anytime we need to talk and they are even helping me finish school,” Kelly says with a smile on her face.

The Pregnancy Resource Center of Rolla offers "pregnancy tests, ultrasound services, crisis pregnancy counseling for both mothers and fathers, and education on abortion and adoption as well as abstinence." Have you called your local pregnancy help center (800-395-HELP) to see what services they offer that would be beneficial to your pregnant daughter and your family?

Teen sex and depression

A recent article on LifeSiteNews titled "Sexually Active Teenage Girls "Twice As Likely" To Suffer From Depression" is as follows:

Research which appeared recently in the Journal of Health Economics has found that young girls who are sexually active often experience feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, and are far more likely to suffer from depression than those who remain chaste.

The study, by Joseph J. Sabia and Daniel I. Rees, of 14,000 adolescents aged between 14 and 17, used data from the U.S. government funded National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health.

The study found that sexually active teen girls have more than double the rate of depression of those who are not sexually active - 19 percent compared to 9.2 percent.

The conclusion the study reached was that "sexually active female adolescents are at increased risk of exhibiting the symptoms of depression relative to their counterparts who are not sexually active."

Dr. Trevor Stammers, a lecturer on sexual ethics and chairman of the Christian Medical Fellowship in the UK, said the new study confirmed that most girls "retrospectively showed regret about early intercourse."

"It also shows as closely as we have been able to show so far that there is a genuine link between increased risk of depression and adolescent females engaging in sex," Dr. Stammers said in a British Daily Mail report. "My experience is that, for girls, depression, regret and shame are very common."

Link to full text of this study, titled, "The effect of adolescent virginity status on psychological well-being".

Talk with all your kids about this research. If your teens have not become sexually active, discuss how this research can help them say no to sex until they are married. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how this means more than simply waiting until marriage, but also includes a lifetime of sex the way that God intended it to be.

If your teen daughters have had sex, do they regret it? Have they had feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, or depression? If so, help them find counseling to heal the wounds caused by their sexual activity. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how they can choose to not have sex again until they are married. Sex outside marriage is like any other sin: it can be forgiven and put in the past. 1 John 1:9 promises that if we confess our sins, that He will forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. This means He promises to cleanse us of sexual sin too. Your daughters do not need to label themselves as shameful if they confess and ask forgiveness from God.

Folic Acid

A recent article titled "Women miss the message on folic acid" summarizes a research study that indicates that women of child-bearing age are most likely not taking the daily folic acid supplement they should be taking.

"Folic acid, a form of vitamin B, occurs in green plants, fresh fruit, liver, and yeast. U.S. Public Health Service guidelines call for women of childbearing age to take 400 micrograms of folic acid daily. Health officials say women should take folic acid for two months before pregnancy and during the first three months of pregnancy."

Why is it important that women take a folic acid supplement?
"Taking folic acid can help prevent specific neural tube defects, according to the March of Dimes. The neural tube is an embryonic structure that develops into the brain and spinal cord. Spina bifida, one of the two most common neural tube defects, is a condition in which there is exposure of part of the spinal cord and its coverings. The other is anencephaly, in which a large portion of the child’s brain is missing."

So read the label of your daily multivitamin and make sure it has the folic acid you need. Make sure your pregnant daughter is getting the folic acid she needs for the healthy development of her baby. Ask your doctor for information about the nutritional needs of your pregnant daughter, and help her eat healthily during her pregnancy.

Infant abandonment

The Buffalo News recently ran an article titled "Mother charged with killing infant daughter kept pregnancy a secret, police say". This article tells a small piece of the story of 19-year-old college student Alicia Zebrun who apparently hid her pregnancy from her family, gave birth alone at home, then put her newborn daughter into a shoe box where she died. According to a quote in the article, this type of incident happens about once per day in the U.S. This sort of situation is also the basis for the "Safe-Haven Laws" that all 50 states have where a newborn can be left at a specific location. See the National Safe Haven Alliance for more information about these laws and the details for your state. There has also been a recent set of articles about parents abandoning their older kids at Safe Haven locations.

Like pregnancy in teens and college students, there is no perfect stereotype for women who hide their pregnancy and then leave their child to die: any socio-economic group can be represented. In this article, neighbors said Alicia was a good kid and the children in the Zebrun family had a strong upbringing by "excellent parents" who were strict. Neighbors believe Alicia's mother and step-father would have helped her with the pregnancy and baby becuase they were "all about kids."

So why do some women do this?
One commentator in the article guesses that "For whatever reason, they were extremely frightened. They may have felt fearful about disclosing the pregnancy for whatever reason. We don’t know."

Another commentator in the article says "The girls and young women who kill or abandon their newborns generally are deeply ashamed and often refuse to acknowledge their pregnancies 'until the very end when it’s undeniable,' he said. Faced with a baby they don’t want, they do the unthinkable. 'They’re not thinking,' Kaye said. 'They’re acting.' "

So what can we do?
Kaye believes the only way to stop it is for parents and communities to be more involved with their daughters. He pointed out one case in which a girl said she hid her pregnancy from her family and ended up killing her baby because her father had told her he’d kill her if she ever came home pregnant. “The father broke down in tears,” Kaye said. “ ‘This is my fault . . . I didn’t mean it. But I actually said it,’ ” he recounted. “The community needs to say this is an example of us failing our kids,” Kaye said. “We need to do a better as a community rather than skapegoating this girl.”

Talk to all your children about this story. Tell them that while you will probably be angry or upset to learn they were pregnant (or were drinking or using drugs), that you would prefer that your kids talked to you instead of keeping a secret. You may have said something in the past such as "If you ever come home pregnant, I'll (kill you, kick you out of the house, etc.)." Do you really mean this? Would you really murder your own child? Or are you simply trying to express that you would be hurt, disappointed, and angry for a while? If you've ever said an extreme statement like this, tell your kids that you don't mean it and then tell them what you really mean instead. Tell your kids that you love them even when they make mistakes with serious consequences. Tell your kids that you want to help them when they have a problem, even if the news of the problem may be hard to hear. Be involved in your kids' lives so much that you would NOTICE if your daughter was pregnant. Brainstorm ways you can be involved in their lives without going to extremes. There is a balance in there somewhere so that you are neither a clueless parent nor an invasive parent.

In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", the chapter titled "First Steps" list three things you need to do as soon as you discover your teen or college student daughter is pregnant. First, get her the medical attention she needs, and then find her the emotional support she needs. For example, help your pregnant daughter get parenting classes and help her learn about stress management. Your local pregnancy help center may be able to offer your family these classes, and may also have peer support sessions and group sessions to help your pregnant daughter cope with the changes that are coming into her life.

Real Stories: Carla & Darlene

These are the stories of two real women who found help at the Darlene Bishop Home for Life. Their names have been changed.

Carla - "Growing up in an abusive environment, a dysfunctional way of life became my norm. This triggered a chain of self-destructive events and soon I began walking down a path of mutiny and rebellion. I became the definition of a defiant and "out of control" teen. Desperate for attention and the need to be loved, I became drawn to the wrong crowd and entered into many damaging relationships. Shortly after turning 18, I became pregnant. Only after hitting the point of complete desperation and on the verge of having an abortion, I finally accepted help. When I arrived at the Home for Life, I felt lifeless and drained. In the seven months of my stay I have surrendered my life to Jesus Christ and His plan for me. The tears shed washed away the feelings of guilt and shame being harbored towards my past. With newfound confidence, I have currently finished my second term in college and am on the Merit list with a 4.0 GPA. I'm very optimistic about my future with my child and family. I am very grateful for the opportunity to come to such a remarkable place. It has been a blessing from God Himself. When I have my baby, I will be returning home to my family. I will never forget the memories made and the moments spent at the Home for Life. It has truly been an unforgettable and lifesaving experience; one of which I wouldn't trade for the world!"

Darlene - "In August my daughter was born. Thanks to the Home for Life, we've made it thus far. I left an abusive marriage [last year] and found out a month later that I was pregnant. At first, I stayed with a friend, and then eventually went to a domestic violence shelter. I found the Home for Life when my case manager suggested that I look into a program like this. At five months pregnant, I took a bus to the Home for Life. I couldn't be happier. I grew up in abusive homes and I don't want to have that repeated for my daughter. She and I are here to allow God to work in our lives and bring healing."

Many maternity homes offer discipleship and spiritual guidance, help the pregnant woman pursue her education, and have support groups and life skills training. Would your pregnant daughter benefit from the structured environment of a residential program? Talk to your daughter and see if she would be open to this type of help. We keep a list of maternity homes in this other post. With your daughter, check them out. If she is interested in some of the programs but doesn't want to live at the maternity home, see if your local pregnancy help center can offer her the educational and support programs.

Get your pregnant daughter a Flu Shot

A recent article called "Pregnant Mom's Flu Shot Protects Baby" was on U.S. New and World Report. The article summarizes a research study that supports the current thinking about flu shots for pregnant women: pregnant women SHOULD get a flu shot. The research study indicates that a flu shot help the pregnant woman avoid the flu and also helps protect her preborn child avoid the flu during the first 6 months after birth. Babies under the age of six months cannot get a flu shot. Your pregnant daughter should get a flu shot because "maternal influenza infection during pregnancy carries health risks for the mother and her offspring, including fetal malformation and even infant death. In fact, "childhood deaths associated with influenza are most frequent in infants under the age of 6 months," the authors noted."

So start researching where your pregnant daughter can get a flu shot this season. If you don't have insurance, see if any of your local pharmacies or public health offices will be offering the flu shot in their clinic.

Time: The Truth About Teen Girls

Time magazine recently had an article titled "The Truth About Teen Girls".

One of the paragraphs in this article says,

We idealize youth and sexiness but recoil if our young want to be sexy. What has complicated things recently is that girls are literally getting older younger. Their bodies are hitting physical maturity sooner, often before they are ready to deal with the issues of sexuality that go along with it. According to Jane Brown, a journalism professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, "Twelve-to-14-year-old girls who start puberty earlier are more interested in sexual content in the media." Brown's studies found that adolescents whose media diet was rich in sexual content were more than twice as likely as others to have had sex by the time they were 16.

What is the sexual content of the media your teen (both boys and girls) consumes? The Time magazine article mentions shows like The O.C., with "multiple sexual partners, the cocaine use, and then at the end, they drink, they drive, they set fires, but all is well! There are never any consequences." Consider watching these shows with your teen and talk about the content. How do your family values relate to the content? How do your religious values relate to the content?

Some studies seem to show that "teens are less susceptible to media firestorms that galvanize the grownups, like those set off by a famous pregnant person or a seminaked tween star. But when most outlets say the same thing, the effect can be overwhelming. "We call this the drip-drip vs. the drench effect," says Brown." So, if any one particular episode isn't "so bad", there can still be a cumulative effect.

The article says that girls aren't necessarily trying to look sexy, just older, more grown up. "The real problems arise when the media unanimously suggest that hotness is the only identity worth trying on. And when they venerate physical desirability in young women without explaining how to use it responsibly. And when they define desirability in such a narrow fashion that many girls feel they have to amp up their sexual signals to measure up. One of the clear findings last year of the APA task force was that an early emphasis on sexuality stunts girls' development in other areas." Talk to your teens about identity. What are the components of their identity? Do some components have more value to them than other components do? In your family and your religious expression, what is the responsible use of physical desirability? What are the irresponsible uses of physical desirability?

The article continues:
Should girls fear that they don't have the requisite hotness, there's a surefire way to overcome that: find a boy to sleep with. "They're subconsciously looking for love," says Amanda Ireland, another Gloucester teen. "They think, If I have a baby, I'll be someone. It gives them an identity." What do your teens think about these statements? Are they looking for love? Do they feel that sex can buy them the love they want? What social credit would they receive from their peers if they were to become sexually active, or if they were to have a baby?

Bulimia and pregnancy

The Norwegian Institute of Health issued a recent news release titled "Pregnant women with bulimia have more anxiety and depression". Much of that news release is repeated here.

What is Bulimia?
Bulimia (bulimia nervosa) is episodes of binge eating combined with various behaviours to compensate for the large intake of food and to avoid weight gain. These behaviours include vomiting, use of laxatives, periods of fasting or training. Vomiting leads to disturbances in the body’s salt balance and enamel erosion of teeth. People with bulimia are often of normal weight or overweight. Approximately 30 percent of persons with bulimia have a history of anorexia. Eating disorders affect both young and old but often occur for the first time in adolescence. Anorexia nervosa and bulimia are about ten times more common among women than men.

Who were the women in the study?
Out of more than 41,000 pregnant Norwegian women, 96 (0.2 %) met the criteria for broadly defined bulimia (bulimia nervosa) in the first trimester of pregnancy. 67 (0.16%) of the women reported that they had also had bulimia six months before pregnancy, while 26 (0.06%) had developed bulimia after becoming pregnant. It is unknown whether these women had bulimia earlier in life.

What did the study show?
Women who have bulimia in pregnancy have more symptoms of anxiety and depression compared to pregnant women without eating disorders.

They also have lower self-esteem and are more dissatisfied with life and their relationship with their partner.

Women with bulimia reported a higher prevalence of life-long physical abuse, sexual abuse and major depression compared with others, says Cecilie Knoph Berg at the Division of Mental Health at the NIPH.

Women who had bulimia six months before pregnancy but who were symptom-free in the first trimester, experienced higher self-esteem and satisfaction with life compared to other women with persistent symptoms.

According to the American Pregnancy Association, bulimia in pregnancy can have serious consequences for both mother and child:

• Premature labor (labor before the 37th week of pregnancy)
• Low birth weight (baby weighing less than 5.5 pounds)
• Stillbirth or fetal death (preborn baby dies in the womb after the 20th week of pregnancy)
• Likelihood of Cesarean birth
• Delayed fetal growth
• Respiratory problems
• Gestational diabetes
• Complications during labor
• Depression
• Miscarriage (preborn baby dies in the womb before the 20th week of pregnancy)
• Preeclampsia (high blood pressure during pregnancy)

Talk to your pregnant daughter about her eating habits before pregnancy and now that she is pregnant. Has she often eaten a lot of food, and then purged in some manner? If so, what methods did she use to purge the food? How often has she done this? Does she still have this habit now that she is pregnant?

If your pregnant daughter may have an eating disorder, she needs professional medical help as soon as possible. Her own physical and mental health depend on her getting help. And the physical health of your grandchild, her child, depend on her getting help.

Waiting for the punch line

An Associated Press news article recently reported Lynne Spears (mother of Britney Spears and Jamie Lynn Spears) told the "Today" show how she discovered that Jamie Lynn was pregnant. Apparently, Jamie Lynn wrote her mother a note and asked her to read it alone in her bedroom.

Lynne Spears says her first reaction was shock, that she was "waiting for the punch line." This is a very common response, and is the normal start of a grief cycle. Lynne Spears that once she processed the shock for a minute, she started to cry.

"Lynne Spears said she blames herself for what happened. 'As a mother, don't we always blame ourselves? I mean, we're the first one that's gonna take the blame,' she said. 'We never get the credit, but we always question ourselves and say, `What did I do? We had this talk just a month ago.' I mean, I had no idea. I took a lot of the blame. I took all the blame.'"

How did your daughter tell you she was pregnant? If she didn't tell you, how did you discover the pregnancy? Was your first reaction also shock? Do you have the common thoughts that you are to blame, that you are a failure as a parent? When you hear news like this, take time to think before you react or take action. You are not alone in this situation. Get help and resources, take time to research all the options. Talk and pray a lot before you take any action.

Self-Esteem

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Building my self-esteem: self-talk skills". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

This lesson says that "Self Esteem is defined as the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the value that you place on those beliefs."

Did your pregnant daughter have a good level of self-esteem before she got pregnant? Or did low self-esteem play a part in her sexual activity that led to pregnancy? Does she value herself and her body? Or is she willing to trade her body in order to feel some sort of love or respect? How is her self-esteem now that she is pregnant? Ask your daughter what kinds of things she says to herself. Does she say to herself, "I made a mistake but I can fix that area of weakness" or does she say to herself, "I'm so stupid. I'm such a slut. I'm worthless. No one could truly love me unless I give them sex"?

How about your own self-esteem now that your daughter is pregnant? Are you telling yourself things like "I'm a failure as a parent"?

This lesson says that "High self-esteem is the realization that you can make mistakes and still like yourself despite your mistakes. Accepting your shortcomings and working on improving
yourself are important steps towards building your selfesteem."

Why is self-esteem important? Because when a "person believes that something is true about him or herself, it will affect his or her actions. Thoughts can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The way we interpret other people’s actions and words will be based on what we think about ourselves. The way we feel about ourselves affects our relationships."

If your daughter believes that she is worthless, or that she is a slut, she will tend to act that way. She may allow herself to be in unhealthy relationships because she doesn't believe that she is worthy of a healthy relationship. Now that she is pregnant, your daughter's self-esteem may plummet because of the unkind things that people say about her at school, church, or even in your family. Yet her self-esteem is even more important now that she is responsible not only for her own life but for the life of your grandchild, her child, as well. For her own physical safety as well as the safety of your grandchild, your daughter needs enough self-esteem to help her feel worthy of getting out of any abusive relationships, taking care of herself by eating right and getting medical care, and making choices that can improve her future and her child's future.

Improving self-esteem takes time and effort, just like getting physically fit.

This lessons says that step one to improving self-esteem is to "first become aware of your beliefs about yourself and then actively work to change the ones that are untrue, irrational, and destructive to you." Have your daughter write a list of things she doesn't like about herself. Then she should pick one of the items and say outloud a statement that is the opposite. For example, if she wrote down a negative like "I am clumsy" then she should say something positive like "I am graceful." For each statement on her list of negatives, write down its positive. Read these positive statements outloud. When she notices that the tapes in her head are repeating anything negative, she should say outloud to herself the positive opposite instead. With enough repetition, she can replace the negative self-talk with talk that is more positive. If she can't start out with the actively positive statements, she should at least practice telling herself things like "I will do better next time," and "I can do this."

The above activity focused on weaknesses. Now lets look at strengths. Have your daughter write out these lists:
1) Things I am pretty good at:
2) Things other people compliment me on:
3) Things I have worked hard on (or am working hard on):
4) Things I am proud of about myself:
5) Things I accomplished this year:
6) A dream (goal) I am working on:

Step two is to imagine the person you would like to become. Have your daughter write a description of how she would like to be described five years from now. What qualities would she like to have? What kind of parent would she like to be? What kind of employee would she like to be? What kind of friend would she like to be? What kind of student would she like to be? Ask your daughter to start acting as if she were that person right now. In recovery groups, they use the phrase "fake it till you make it" to summarize this step. For example, if she wants to be more patient with other people, she should figure out what actions patient people take. Then when she feels impatient she should take patient actions even though she feels impatient. Over time, this will help her actually feel the emotion of patience.

Step three is to learn to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually. For each of these areas, have your daughter write down three things that she can do to improve herself. The first should be something she can do TODAY to improve that area. The next should be something she can do over the next month to improve that area. The third should be something she can work on for the next year to improve that area.

Parents, you probably have some areas of your life that could use a little improvement too. Complete these exercises yourself and see if your family life is more satisfying as the whole family makes changes.

You or your daughter may benefit from talking about this issue with an objective third party, such as a professional counselor, pastor, or peer counselor. See if you can spot the difference between low self-esteem in your daughter and depression. If your daughter is depressed, get her the medical and counseling help she needs as soon as possible.

Managing Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Managing Anger". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

Anger is a very common emotional reaction in a family that learns that their single daughter (sister) is pregnant. As we've discussed on many occassions, anger is a normal part of the grief cycle. Your family is grieving many things related to a unmarried daughter's pregnancy. Don't beat yourself up for feeling anger. But DO learn how to express is appropriately, and how to manage anger so that it is not overwhelming. Anger should not control your actions or your decisions.

The lesson has a great worksheet to help people learn about their anger style. Print out a copy for each person, and have them score each of the questions. This is a copy of the questions on the anger survey:

1. I am blunt and forceful when things don’t go my way.
2. I avoid or withdraw from people when I am angry with them.
3. I complain about people behind their back, but not to their face.
4. I disagree with others without attacking them on a personal level or becoming defensive.
5. I don’t keep grudges or seek revenge when problems cannot be resolved.
6. I don’t like to let other people know when I am angry.
7. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
8. I feel uncomfortable expressing my anger.
9. I have a tendency to be depressed or moody.
10. I look for mutually agreeable solutions when people disagree with me.
11. I politely, but firmly tell others when I am angry.
12. I pout and feel sorry for myself when I am angry.
13. I suppress my anger by drinking, taking drugs, or overeating.
14. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
15. I take some time to calm down before talking with others about disagreements.
16. I try not to let my anger show.
17. I use sarcasm and “little jokes or names” to make people look bad or feel bad.
18. If I’m very upset, I’ll hit something.
19. If things are bad enough, I’ll throw something.
20. When I am angry I become silent, to make it obvious that I am unhappy.

Before you discuss your scores, talk about the main points of the lesson:

• Anger is a normal and necessary emotion.
• It is not wrong to experience feelings of anger.
• Everyone experiences feelings of anger; some people experience it more intensely and more often than other people.
• Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is your body’s response to an unmet need, expectation or belief. For example, you become angry when someone cuts in front of you in line because you believe that people should wait their turn.
• Anger can feel wrong to some people because they have been taught that feeling/expressing anger is not good.
• Anger can appear wrong when people express it in inappropriate ways, such as using violence.
• When expressed appropriately, anger can lead to having your needs met, without hindering the needs of others.
• Appropriate expressions of anger can lead to stronger relationships and more satisfying situations.

Talk with your family about anger: Can anger result in something good happening? If so, give an example. Give an example of something bad that can happen when someone expresses anger.

Tally up each person's response to the anger survey, using the Key in the lesson. What is each person's current method of handling anger? Read the descriptions of each anger management style from the lesson. How has each person demonstrated their anger style during the stress of your daughter's pregnancy so far?

Anger management Style A - Open Agression: Using physical or verbal force to respond to a situation that makes you angry. Open aggression often leads to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving.

Style B - Suppressed Anger: Pretending that you are not angry, stuffing your anger and hoping it will go away. People who have this style of anger management may develop headaches,
ulcers, stomachaches, or other physical illnesses because their anger is simmering below the surface. It also does not get rid of the problem that is causing the anger. It would be better to switch to Style D – Assertive Problem Solving.

Style C - Passive Aggressive: Showing anger in indirect ways, such as pouting, refusing to talk, slamming doors, stomping feet, sarcasm, and gossiping. These responses often lead to more anger and new problems. Try learning Style D - Assertive Problem Solving instead.

Style D - Assertive Problem Solving: First, be aware that you are angry. Express your anger in an honest and polite way. Confront people without making personal attacks. Don't become defensive. Brainstorm solutions to the problem that would be mutually acceptable. Release your angry feelings and forgive, let go of grudges and bitterness.

Assertive Problem Solving can be remembered by the acrostic ACTS:

A - Be AWARE of your anger. How does your body react when you start to get angry? Pay attention to how your body is feeling.

C - CONTROL your response. Think before you act. What reponse choices are available? What are the pros and cons of each? What solutions are available? What are the pros and cons of each solution? Your goal is to meet your needs without hindering the needs of others.

T - TALK about the problem in a calm, polite and assertive way. Talk about differences without using personal attacks and without becoming defensive. Use the "WIN" method of confrontation: "When...(something happens)", "I feel...". "I NEED/want...(particular action to happen)." For example, "When we don’t have enough money to pay our bills I feel angry. I want us to talk about how we can budget our money so that we have enough money to cover our bills.”

S - SOLVE the problem in a mutually acceptable way. If the situation is not solvable, then you have three choices:

1) Change your way of thinking about the event. So, in relation to your daughter's pregnancy, you might need to change your way of thinking about her pregnancy. She is carrying your grandchild, not just some blob of tissue. As difficult as life may become going forward, this child, your grandchild, will also be a blessing. Your daughter can't become un-pregnant. Abortion will not change the fact that she was pregnant. It will simply make her the mother of a dead child, and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild. So change your way of thinking about her pregnancy.

2) Get help and counseling. You can find resources and counseling for your pregnant daughter and maybe other family members at your local pregnancy help center, your church, private counselors, social services, charities, and your friends and family. Reach out to your support network and brainstorm positive solutions to the challenges your family faces. Avoid courses of action that will hurt and damage each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is a time to pull together, not to tear each other down and destroy the family.

3) Withdraw from the situation. If you or your family member(s) are at risk of being physically abused by someone's anger, get help to escape from harm. If you feel angry enough to hurt someone, leave until you have calmed down. Avoid alcohol and drugs when you are angry - they can help you to act violently or in aggressive ways that are harmful to yourself and others.

Examining Priorities

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Powerful Priorities". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

The lesson says, "We have many things in our lives that we feel are important. However, there is just a limited amount of time, energy, and money that is available to us. Often we have to choose between the priorities in our lives. We have to decide which of our priorities are the most important to us." Print out a copy of the following list of topics (or the worksheet in the PDF lesson) for each person in this discussion (yourself, spouse, daughter, father of baby, etc.).

List of topics:

• Education
• Wealth – Financial Security
• Health
• House (Clean, Orderly)
• Material Possessions (clothes, appliances, etc.)
• Spiritual
• Family
• Children
• Friends
• Good Looks – Attractiveness – Neat Appearance
• Spouse/Boyfriend/Companion
• Adventure
• Recreation – Leisure Activities
• Social Reform – Helping Others Less Fortunate
• Politics
• Other topics you pick:

Have each person number these topics in the order that they are important as priorities to that person. Before discussing the numbering, also number each topic with how you think another person would number them. For example, after picking her own priorities, your daughter should number the list according to how she thinks the baby's father would number these topics.

Now share why you numbered the topics the way you did, and talk about the differences in priorities that each person has.

Is the way that your daughter numbered priorities different from the way the baby's father did?

Is it okay for people in a relationship to have different priorities? Discuss how these differences in priorities might impact their relationship and their parenting.

Differences in priorities are the food for many fights. Discuss each difference on the lists: is the value of a particular priority vastly different between your daughter and the baby's father? If so, try to understand each point of view about that priority topic. Is there an acceptable compromise for that topic? You may choose to have these discussions with a religious leader or counselor so that they can provide an objective viewpoint and help keep the conversation on topic.

Eating fish during pregnancy

A recent article on The Boston Globe website reports that a new research study finds that pregnant women should go ahead and eat certain kinds of fish. The article says, "Fish are rich in DHA, an omega-3 fatty acid essential to brain growth, but many of the most commonly eaten fish are contaminated by mercury, a toxin that can damage the developing nervous system of a fetus and young child. As a result, the federal government advises pregnant women and nursing mothers to avoid fish with high mercury levels and eat no more than two servings a week of other fish."

The FDA has an overview of what you need to know about mercury in fish and shellfish. The FDA guidelines as of 2004 are:

1) Do not eat Shark, Swordfish, King Mackerel, or Tilefish because they contain high levels of mercury.

2) Eat up to 12 ounces (2 average meals) a week of a variety of fish and shellfish that are lower in mercury.

Five of the most commonly eaten fish that are low in mercury are shrimp, canned light tuna, salmon, pollock, and catfish.

Another commonly eaten fish, albacore ("white") tuna has more mercury than canned light tuna. So, when choosing your two meals of fish and shellfish, you may eat up to 6 ounces (one average meal) of albacore tuna per week.

3) Check local advisories about the safety of fish caught by family and friends in your local lakes, rivers, and coastal areas. If no advice is available, eat up to 6 ounces (one average meal) per week of fish you catch from local waters, but don't consume any other fish during that week.

Check with your doctor to see if this general advice is appropriate for your health situation.

Not just an issue for teens

Unplanned pregnancy outside of marriage is not just a teen issue.

In fact, "more than half (54%) of unmarried women who have an unplanned pregnancy are in their 20s" not their teens. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a brief overview called "Briefly: Unplanned Pregnancy Among 20-Somethings: The Full Story".

This brief says that:

• "In 2001, more than 2 million unmarried women had an unplanned pregnancy. This includes: 635,000 unmarried teens; 764,000 unmarried women in their early 20s (age 20-24); 367,000 unmarried women age 25-29; and 311,000 unmarried women over age 29 who had an unplanned pregnancy."
• "Over two-thirds of unmarried women having an unplanned pregnancy are not cohabiting. Only one-third of unmarried women who had an unplanned pregnancy were living with their partner when they got pregnant."
• "Among women having an unplanned pregnancy, cohabiting women and single, non-cohabiting women are more than twice as likely to have an abortion when compared to married women with an unplanned pregnancy."
• "Close to half of all unplanned pregnancies among women who were cohabiting ended in abortion compared to less than one in five unplanned pregnancies among married women."
• "About one-third of cohabiting women who reported having an unplanned pregnancy resulting in a birth ended that relationship within two years after the child's birth. Among married women, only 7% ended the relationship within two years after the unplanned child's birth."
• "Approximately two-thirds of unmarried women ages 20-29 who experienced an unplanned pregnancy were above the federal poverty level, and more than one-third had an income at or above 200% of the federal poverty level."
• "Most unmarried women who experienced an unplanned pregnancy have either graduated from high school or its equivalent, and four in ten have attended some college or more."
• "Close to half of all unmarried women who experienced an unplanned pregnancy are white, one in five are Hispanic, and about one-third are black."

Episode 11 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 11 (the Season One Finale), with some items to discuss with your teens.

Episode 11 was scattered on a lot of storylines: Ricky being in therapy; Adrian running away; Adrian not wanting her father to be involved in her life; Madison's gossiping; Lauren wanting to be special to Ricky; Henry & Alice deciding they just don't like having sex together; Ricky kissing Grace; Anne (Amy's mom) saying she wants to divorce George; Ben & Amy deciding they will wait to have sex. Talk to your kids about each of these situations. Did the characters handle things the right way? What could they have done differently?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 11 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Not guaranteed to fail

In a recent opinion piece called "Odds are against teen marriage", the author, Carrie Stetler says that "marriage among couples in their 20s and 30s is far less likely to end in divorce." This makes it sound like teen marriages are practically guaranteed to fail, which just isn't true. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics released a report in December 2005 which was called "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth."

This statistical report from the government says that for people who marry under the age of 18, that 93% of those marriages are still intact one year later, that 76% are still going 3 years later, that 65% are still working 5 years later, and that 52% are still married after 10 years!

For teens aged 18-19 who get married, 90% are still married a year later, 80% are still married 3 years later, 72% are still married 5 years later, and 61% are still married after 10 years!

So teen marriages are by no means guaranteed to fail.

Even if a teen marriage ends in divorce, "marrying before the birth of a child may lead to greater paternal support, even if the marriage doesn't last. If couples marry, the male partner is likely to be a resident parent and have greater access to the child. Even if the couple eventually divorces, this early contact may lead to greater levels of financial support from the father." (Naomi Seiler, "Is Teen Marriage A Solution?" April 2002. Center for Law and Social Policy.)

ANY marriage, at ANY age needs the same thing: the physical, emotional, and spiritual support of their families. ANY person who marries at ANY age needs to be a responsible, safe partner.

If your teen daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy." There are also other posts about marriage on this blog, just click the label "Marriage" below or in the right-hand column.

Grandparents take on parenthood, again

CNN.com recently posted the article linked in the title of this post, which tells the story of Rosa Foster, a 54-year old single parent raising her four grandchildren under the age of 19. About 2.5 million grandparents in America are the primary caregivers for their grandchildren. Obviously Rosa feels stress: emotional, and financial.

Rosa says grandparents should "make sure you're up for the challenge" before you seek custody of your grandchildren. "Because if you're not, you're going to break some kids' hearts. If those kids are torn up a second time, they're really going to be destroyed."

Her advice to grandparents who are raising their grandchildren:
1) Set priorities about your career.
2) Find financial help from state agencies, religious groups, and family.
3) Have a support network. Don't be the sole caregiver. Reach out to others and get help.
4) Take care of yourself so that you don't get overwhelmed, sick, and overly stressed. Make time to exercise. Eat right.
5) Get help with babysitting so that you can get a few hours alone once a week.

In addition to the challenges, there are rewards. "Explaining that she has put her own life on hold for 17 years, she added, 'I wouldn't have it any other way.'"

If you and your daughter are not able to raise her child for whatever reason, research whether adoption would be a benefit to the child. If your daughter is not willing or not able to raise her child but you are considering taking on the job, you may find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Should we adopt the baby?" in our book "How To Suvive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Allison's & Kimberly's stories

A recent newspaper article titled "Pregnant In High School: Teens On How Parenting Changed Them" tells the story of two teens who were pregnant in Florida high schools. Both Allison and Kimberly appear to have been 16 when they gave birth to their children. Both girls moved out of their mother's house because she was not supportive of them giving birth. They both moved in with their boyfriends and a different family member.

Florida has a program to help pregnant teens with "childcare services, classes and [emotional] support." This program "teaches young parents proper discipline and interaction with their children, socialization and what is developmentally appropriate for their babies and toddlers. It also teaches self-sufficiency, with the hope that young parents will have the tools they need to support themselves so they are not on public assistance. Students are expected to return to school two weeks after giving birth and are required to keep up with all of the classes and homework expected of other students - not to mention parenting courses and taking care of a newborn. 'When girls wake up after being up all night with their babies, they look exhausted,' Emmerman said. 'Most girls find it very difficult to adjust to being a parent.'" The article says that many teen parents in the Florida parenting program (in other words, those who did not drop out of school) are able to realize that they need to grow up, be responsible, get better grades, and stay out of trouble...for the sake of their child.

Help your pregnant daughter stay in school and finish at least her high school education. See if your county has a parenting program that can teach her the skills she needs. Many pregnancy help centers also have classes that educate women on child development and parenting skills. If your daughter does not see how she can stay in school and be a parent, research with her to see if adoption would be a benefit to her and her child.

I need help!

We often get asked general questions from our readers, such as "How should I respond to my pregnant daughter?", "Help! Our daughter is pregnant," "Christian parents with a pregnant teen," "Advice? Teen daughter pregnant," "Daughter is single and pregnant," "Please help, my daughter is pregnant," "Parents dealing with daughter's pregnancy," "Spiritual advice for parents of a pregnant teen," "First words to say to pregnant Christian daughter?" "Christian response to a pregnant teen," "Help me cope with my daughter's pregnancy," "Advice for mothers with young pregnant daughter?", "What to do when your teen gets pregnant?"

Answering these kinds of questions is exactly why we wrote the book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" and exactly why we write this blog.

Here are 10 important points for the parents of a pregnant single:

1. Assure your daughter of your unconditional love and concern.
2. Get your daughter to a supportive pro-life doctor as soon as possible.
3. Provide a peaceful environment.
4. Research and talk about all her current healthy options: Marriage, single parenting, choosing a family to adopt her child.
5. Help your pregnant daughter look to her future in 5 and 10 years.
6. Let her know you value education.
7. Clearly state in what ways you are willing to be involved in her life and the life of her child.
8. Live out your values clearly and consistently.
9. Stay connected to your spouse, other children, family and friends.
10. Grow spiritually yourself by staying involved in church life.

Is your pregnant daughter depressed?

A recent news report titled "Mood in pregnancy impacts early child development" summarizes a research study that is the first one focused on this topic. So while the research results are interesting, keep in mind that many other studies need to be conducted to verify whether or not these results are accurate. A single research study result can not be called conclusive.

The article says that of the 9,244 women in the research study, 14% of those women were depressed during pregnancy but not depressed 2 months after the birth of their child. So, some women are depressed during pregnancy but do not appear to also have postpartum depression. Is your pregnant daughter depressed? If so, make sure she talks to her doctor and to a mental health professional about how she is feeling. See if there are any local support groups for pregnant singles (perhaps at a pregnancy help center). Look into weekly counseling by professionals or mentoring by peers. Help your pregnant daughter not become isolated: attend church regularly, join Mothers of Preschoolers or other parenting support groups. If your daughter is choosing an adoption plan, she should be involved in individual and group counseling.

The research study indicates that children of mothers who were depressed during pregnancy are about 34% more likely to have a developmental delay at age 18 months. "A developmental delay is any significant lag in a child's physical, cognitive, behavioral, emotional, or social development, in comparison with established normal ranges for his or her age." The research summary does not tell us if these possible delays were small or big delays.

The article ends by saying that parents can do a lot to improve their child's development even if there is depression in the family.

First, learn about how a child develops. Your local pregnancy help center may have educational videos about this topic; you can also find a lot of information at your library, pediatrician's office, and health department.

Second, brainstorm with your daughter about how the entire family can help to encourage good development in her child. Her child will need lots of individual and undivided attention. Who will read to him/her every day? Who will play with him/her every day? Who will take the baby to appropriate activities outside of the house on a regular basis?

If the child will be in daycare, what activities do they offer to promote good development? How many children does one adult have to juggle? Are the staff trained in child development? You may find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Childcare responsibilities" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about choosing a good daycare provider.

If family is not available to help with lots of individual attention for the child, research whether an adoptive family would provide benefits to the child.

Real story: Jelysa and Kyje

The New York Daily News had an article recently, titled "Teen, interrupted: Youthful pregnancies, from 'Juno' to Juneau". One part of the article was a real story of a young mother:

"It's hard as a teen mom, but it motivated me ," says Jelysa Roberts, a Brooklyn mom who had her son Kyje when she was just 16. "I can't think about myself anymore. I'm thinking about somebody else, who is looking up to me to be their guide and protector. It really made me know I can't make any mistakes right now." So far, Roberts is succeeding. Now 19, she graduated high school with the rest of her class in 2006, despite having to switch schools. Roberts discovered she was pregnant just before she started her junior year at a Catholic school. When administrators found out, they suggested she attend a public school for pregnant teens and new moms. "I was used to competitive classes," Roberts recalls, explaining how the alternative school lumped her (then an 11th grader) into classes with kids from the ninth and 10th grades. "The classes I needed to keep on track with everybody else weren't available to me," she says. But Roberts stuck it out at the transitional school and eventually returned to her original school, and graduated with a Regents diploma. The dedicated mom is now a nursing student at Kingsborough Community College, where she's working toward her bachelor's degree while caring for 3-year-old Kyje.

If your teen daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her how she can finish her high school education at a minimum.

Episode 10 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 10, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy is apparently going to a new school, and her dad asks, "Amy, do you really want to go to school with a bunch of sluts?" Amy replies, "If you're calling them a slut, you're calling me a slut." Ashley notes that "You're only a slut for the two and a half minutes." Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a slut as a promiscuous woman, and defines promiscuous (in this context) as having had more than one sexual partner. So Amy is clearly not a slut - she's only had one sexual partner thus far (that we know of). And Ashley's comment doesn't seem right either...being promiscuous isn't a temporary situation, applying only during the time of sex.

There are a lot of slang terms and names that people can be called. You know that kids can be especially cruel to each other by calling names. And new terms are being invented all the time. I remember in 9th grade when someone called my mother a "M.F." to her face, actually using the initials not the full words. She didn't know what it meant. Are you a little out of the loop on current insults? Taking one topic at a time, talk to your kids about the names that people at their school would call them if they were pregnant, had bad grades, had good grades, didn't wear fashionable clothes, etc. Ask them what each term is supposed to mean or imply (in other words, why is it an insult?). Then, with your kids, look up the meanings of these words in a dictionary. Are the implied meanings accurate, or have the true meanings of the words been corrupted? For example, as discussed above, Amy can't yet be called a slut because she's only had one sexual partner. Ask your kids if the insult can be applied equally to boys and girls. For example, would a boy ever be called a slut? If not, what is the insult term for a promiscuous boy? If there isn't one, talk about this double standard.

When people call others names, they are often trying to make themselves feel superior by putting others down. This name calling is actually verbal abuse and bullying. Read this article about name calling and how to handle it in your own home. Examine the ways you talk to your own kids...do you use negative labels and names when you talk to them? As we see in this episode, Amy is right that when her dad labels a group (pregnant girls) negatively he is also labeling her negatively.

Later in the show, Adrian's mom tells Adrian that she got pregnant on purpose so that someone would love her. This idea is one of the reason that some teens get pregnant too. After Henry and Alice have sex, Alice says "I thought we would feel like we were in love if we just had sex." Talk to your kids about the realities of what love feels like and acts like. How can they tell the difference between lust, infatuation, and love?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 10 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

How does teen pregnancy impact the family?

In the swirl of commentary on Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's announcement that her 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant, we received a phone call from a reporter at a paper in New York. One main question they asked is, "what is the psychological impact of teen pregnancy on the family?"

The core answer is that a surprise teen pregnancy can cause each member of the family to begin working through their own grief cycle.

When the pregnancy is discovered, there is first shock and denial. Parents of a pregnant teen may feel stunned, especially if they are also learning that their daughter has been sexually active. Siblings of the pregnant teen also may feel shock. Everyone may feel like they don't know this person they thought they knew. It can be hard to accept a mental image of a loved one that is different than the image currently held. They may think to themselves, "Who is this person? Who are you and what have you done with my daughter/sister?" or "Are you sure you're pregnant? This can't be true. This can't be happening."

Once the family members accept the fact that the pregnancy is real, the next step of the grief cycle is anger. Everyone may feel anger at the baby's father, blaming him for the pregnancy. Fathers may feel anger at themselves, feeling that they did not protect their daughter. Parents may feel anger at themselves, saying "What did I do wrong?" Parents may start blaming each other, "If only you had..." Siblings of the pregnant young woman may feel anger that her pregnancy is causing them social embarassment or that the situation is soaking up so much time and attention. Anger can have symptoms in the physical health of the entire family: headaches, abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, irritability, impatience, heart problems, relationship problems, sleep disorders, uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, and compulsive behaviors. Siblings of a pregnant daughter may act out in their anger, creating new a crisis for the family to handle.

The next steps of the grief cycle are bargaining and depression. In bargaining, you may hear family members say "If you help me through this, I'll never let it happen again." In depression, family members may feel that there are no acceptable solutions to even the smallest challenge. You may wonder how you'll live through it all.

Each family member will walk through these steps at their own pace. It is very likely that everyone will revisit previous phases of the grief cycle several times. If a person doesn't get stuck somewhere in the above phases, they eventually move toward acceptance. Acceptance and resolution is measured by acknowledging that past decisions can't be erased, accurately taking responsibility for contributing factors (in other words, neither accepting too much blame nor denying all blame) and finding constructive ways to solve challenges, forgive, heal, learn new coping skills, and grow stronger rather than be destroyed.

If you analyze some of the commentary out there about the Palin family, you may notice that reactions of the people fit in with a grief cycle phase too: some are in shock that the Palins could have a pregnant daughter; others are angry at the Palins; others are depressed that Sarah Palin is the presumptive VP, given her family's situation. It will be interesting to watch as people continue to process their feelings about this one family's situation in the days and months to come.

The family of a pregnant teen or college student likely needs the opportunity to receive individual and family counseling to hash out their anger and depression in order to move to acceptance and resolution. If there is a pregnancy help center near you, see what services they can offer your family. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", particularly the chapter titled "Hearing the Shocking News" which describes the grief cycle.

Pregnancy Weight Gain

A column on the Boston Globe, titled "How much weight should women gain while pregnant?" discusses the various rules of thumb that are out there.

Take your pregnant daughter's pre-pregnancy weight and height to calculate her pre-pregnancy BMI. Then use that number to get an idea of the range of weight gain her doctor may suggest for her:

"In 1990, the gurus at the Institute of Medicine got worried about low birth weight babies and came up with guidelines that said that skinny women (who have a BMI, or body mass index, of less than 19.8) should gain 28 to 40 pounds. Normal women (BMI of 19.8 to 26.0) should gain 25 to 35 pounds, and heavy women (BMI of more than 26.0) should gain the least, 15 to 25 pounds."

Low birth weight babies are those babies born weighing less than 5 pounds 8 ounces. These babies may face serious medical challenges such as respiratory distress syndrome, bleeding in the brain, Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA) (a heart problem that can lead to heart failure), Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) (a problem with the intestines), and abnormal growth of blood vessels in the eye that can lead to vision loss.

So you see that any factors that contribute to a baby being born with low birth weight can be quite serious. The pregnant woman not gaining enough weight during pregnancy is just one factor that can contribute to the baby's low birth weight. Other factors include: Maternal high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart, lung and kidney problems; smoking; alcohol and drug use; infections in the mother or baby; problems with the placenta; and socio-economic factors. "Black women, and women under 17 and over 35 years of age are at increased risk" for giving birth to a low birth weight baby.

Bottom line: ask your daughter's doctor about her pregnancy weight gain at every visit. Your doctor should balance out all the factors your pregnant daughter faces to help point your daughter in the direction of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.