Smoking and SIDS

US News & World report recently had an article titled "Mom's Smoking During Pregnancy Ups Preemie's SIDS Risk".

If your daughter smokes while she is pregnant, and then gives birth to a premature babie (born before 37 weeks), her baby "may be at higher risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) than premature infants born to nonsmoking moms".

Besides the risk of SIDS, "inability or delayed recovery from repeated low oxygen episodes can also be detrimental to brain development," Hasan noted. "There is increasing evidence that infants exposed to prenatal cigarette smoke are at high risk for developmental and behavioral disorders."

Help your pregnant daughter to stop smoking immediately, and also help her stay out of second-hand smoke. This may mean that your entire family needs to stop smoking around your daughter. If your daughter works at a restaurant or bar where there is smoking, help her find a different job during her pregnancy.

Finding help and local resources

"Programs help teen mothers" is an article from a recent Ohio town newspaper (you may have to scroll down the page some) that gives an overview of the programs available to help teen mothers in their town.

Their "GRADS" program helps pregnant teens develop a plan of how to finish their education and manage their parenting responsibilities, with the primary goal of helping girls stay in school and graduate. The program counselor "also talks with the teens about parenting skills, money management and career planning."

The article also discusses services offered by their local pregnancy help centers, which teach mothers about what to do if "the baby can’t stop crying, what’s the best way to communicate with the baby, how to play with the baby and first aid for the baby." The pregnancy help centers also have services for the parents of the pregnant teen, and the father of the baby: “The parents of a pregnant teen — they go through every possible emotion,” Dicke said, citing anger and frustration at the top of the list. “They (the teenager) need unconditional love and support. You have to go beyond the anger and the hurt, you still have to love them. That person is still your child.” Dicke said teenage boys involved in an unplanned pregnancy are often frustrated with the situation as well.“They’re upset that they made a mistake and that’s why they don’t want to tell their parents and hear about it again.”

See if your community offers a program like this that would be of help to you and your daughter.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Dealing with stress

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Dealing with Stress". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter. As you probably know very well, nearly every family member will feel stress when your teen or college age daughter is pregnant. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

"Stress is our body’s response to things that trigger an emotional reaction in us. It happens as a result of life’s demands (pleasant and unpleasant) and our ability to deal with them."

Each person's body responds differently to stress. The lesson lists a bunch of reactions. Which of these stress symptoms do you feel? Which do your pregnant daughter feel?

Physical: headaches, loss of hair, dry mouth, dizziness, face feels hot, appetite changes, lump in throat, heartburn, backache, sweat, skin rash, diarrhea, increased urination, nail biting, cold hands and feet, trembling, fatigue, insomnia, weight changes, colds, stomach aches, pounding heart, teeth grinding, restlessness, insomnia, increased tobacco/alcohol/drug use, neck and shoulders tighten and ache.

Mental: forgetfulness, dull senses, poor concentration, negative attitude, confusion, tired, boredom, no new ideas, depressed.

Emotional: anxiety, the “blues”, mood swings, bad temper, crying spells, irritability, depression, nervous laughter, worrying, easily discouraged.

Social: isolation, resentment, loneliness, relationship problems, lashing out, clamming up, sex drive changes, nagging, fewer contacts with people, using people.

Are you always aware of when your stress symptoms are happening to you? Why or why not? Can you stop them from happening? How? Do you see a pattern in your responses – are they mostly physical or do they usually involve other people?

Pick one thing that you are feeling stress about. Write about that topic using the following questions. Have your daughter complete this exercise too.

Something in my life that continues to bother me and makes me feel frustrated is:

I am upset about this situation because:

The change I would like to see is:

The obstacles that might get in the way of making this change is:

I can get rid of these obstacles by:

I will take the following steps toward making this change come about
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Consider getting counseling for yourself, your daughter, and any other family members who are feeling stress because of your daughter's pregnancy. A pregnancy help center may be able to offer peer counseling to your daughter and yourself. Does your church have a counseling ministry? Both your church and a pregnancy center may also have referrals to other counseling sources such as private counselors or social services.

Keep it simple

A recent article in the Boston Globe, titled "Easing Parent-to-be overload" discusses a new trendy consulting business called babyplanner (which is similar to a wedding planner). These expensive consultants target those mothers and fathers who do "not want to buy anything without first assessing safety, usefulness, and developmental appropriateness." I strongly recommend that parents pay close attention to product safety, usefulness, and appropriateness. Taking care of your children definitely includes watching out for their safety and avoiding products that are not beneficial. You should do research before you purchase products for anyone in your family. Yes, the number of baby-related products has skyrocketed, just as for any other age of child...there will always be one more thing your child "must have" throughout life. However, you can go overboard in this direction just as surely as you can go overboard in not paying attention to these factors.

First, consider the use of your money. I think its unrealistic to pay a fee of $250 to have someone walk through the baby superstore with you to offer advice on the pros and cons of various products. Look at this list of prices for other services: "Perfecting Expecting charges $100 for baby registry consultation and $500 for putting together a complete registry, $100 for help maternity shopping and $500 for baby shower preparation. The Baby Coordinators charge $250 to compile a baby registry, $300 to arrange and set up a nursery, and $200 to baby-proof a home." Wow.

One person in the article said, "To be a really good mom, you want to pick the best for your baby, and that takes a while." What this person seems to be misunderstanding is that babies really need time and attention, not THINGS. Not having the newest, best, most expensive crib or stroller will not ruin your child's life. But not getting your undivided attention, time and love will definitely impact their development.

Given the ever-growing number of products that are being marketed to pregnant women, you probably do need some help researching products. Ask other mothers about their experiences with the products they own. Read reviews from actual users online (instead of only reviews from review companies). There are several highly-recommended books that can help you...take them with you when you go shopping.

Setting Goals

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Planning and Preparing for My Choice" and it focuses on making goals and taking action regarding the relationship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

Goals are important in all areas of life: Goals give us a sense of purpose and direction. Goals help to move us to act. Goals help you decide what is most important to do first. Goals keep you focused on improving your life and not just doing for doing’s sake. Goals give you signs that you are making progress.

What kinds of goals might your pregnant daughter have at this point? The lesson gives a bunch of example goals. Discuss these goals with your daughter; have her pick out goals that are meaningful to her, given her specific situation.

Example Goals for building a strong family: To better manage my stress and anger. To spend time with my baby and other children. To take better care of myself so I can be a better parent. To visit my mom once a week with the baby. To earn enough money to care for my family. To learn new job skills. To set and work on goals for my family’s future. To keep a balance between my work and family responsibilities. To think about my baby first when getting involved with someone romantically. To find free or inexpensive things to do as a family. To find safe and affordable child care (Read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book). To get to know my partner’s other children.

Exampel Goals for involving my baby’s father or mother -- for parenting together: To prepare a parenting plan with my baby’s other parent. To set a time each week for my baby’s dad to see him or her. To find another man who can be a male presence (father figure) for my baby. To have my baby’s dad help take care of my baby. To get financial support from my baby’s dad. To help my child get to know his/her dad. To increase my partner’s involvement in making decisions about our baby. To work together with my baby’s dad to raise him or her. To get the family members of my baby’s dad involved. To set aside my negative feelings about my baby’s dad (Read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book).

Example Goals for creating a healthy relationship with my baby’s father: To patch things up with my baby’s father or mother. To open the lines of communication with my baby’s mother or father. To get ready to marry my baby’s father or mother, or another person. To learn how to talk to my baby’s father or other partner without being afraid. To learn good listening skills. To watch my body language and avoid giving mixed messages to my baby’s father or other partners. To listen and allow him/her to express his/her feelings when she/he does it safely. To spend time together alone. To be more assertive. To ask for help from my family or baby’s father or other partner. To leave the relationship because it is unhealthy and unsafe for me and my baby. To work toward a long-term relationship with my baby’s mother or father. To solve problems together about our baby. To say “no” and not feel guilty. To enjoy my life with or without a romantic relationship. To recognize my strengths. To nurture and take good care of myself. To find a partner that wants a healthy and loving relationship with me. To have a more positive relationship with my baby’s father.

If you don’t know what to do, set a goal: To decide what role my baby’s dad or mom should have in my baby’s upbringing. To decide your future involvement with my baby’s other parent. To decide the steps to make my family stronger.

Now that you have picked a few goals, write down your goal and how long it might take you to achieve it. Write down the three biggest strengths you have that will help you achieve this goal. Write down as many potential stumbling blocks as you can think of. Which of these stumbling blocks do you have control over? Brainstorm ways to handle the stumbling blocks that you have control over. Write down what this goal will cost you (What will you have to give up to get what you want? Money, time, relationships, present living situation, other choices?). Finally, write down action steps that move you toward completing this goal. Make one action step something you can do today, one step something you can do this week, and one step something you can do this month.

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "First steps to take", "Where will we be in a year?", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Examining Relationships

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Making Your Choice" and it focuses on examining the realtionship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson asks some questions to help each person look at their relationship. These questions should be answered on paper, by your daughter and the baby's father separately. As a parent, write your own answers to some of these questions twice: once about your pregnant daughter and once about the baby's father [as you'll see, not all of them apply to you. For example, 'would you consider marrying this person?' However, you could rewrite them to work for you (for example, 'do you think your daughter should consider marrying this person')]. After everyone is finished writing their answers, get together (possibly with an outside counselor) and discuss everyone's answers. These also make good thought questions for your other children who are in dating relationships (some questions will have to be reworded to match their dating relationship instead of a parenting relationship).

• When you think of the baby’s father/mother, what are the major feelings you have?
• Would you consider marrying this person? Why or why not?
• What do you think marriage to this person would be like?
• What attracted you to him or her to begin with? Do the same things still attract you?
• Has the baby’s father or mother been a good or bad influence in your life?
• Do you love each other?
• What do you like best about him or her? Least?
• Who puts more into the relationship?
• Do you get along with his/her family and friends?
• How would you change him/her?
• Do you talk enough? Do you listen to each other when you do talk?
• Do you argue too much or not enough?
• Has the baby’s mother/father hurt you or your baby in any major way? If so, was it deliberate? Were his/her intentions good?
• Have you hurt him/her or your baby in any way?
• Does he/she limit you in any way? If so, how?
• What interests and friends do you share?
• How would you describe him/her as parent? Is he a good father or is she a good mother?
• What would you miss if you stopped seeing each other? What do you miss, if have already stopped seeing each other?
• What would you be glad about if you broke up? Or what are you glad about since you broke up?
• How does your relationship compare to the one you’d like?
• How do you see your relationship with him/her five years from now? 18 years from now?
• Are your present actions taking you there?
• What other concerns do you have about the baby’s father or mother?

Now that you have examined the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father a little bit, you can start to examine the options for their relationship going forward. There are a number of options which should be considered carefully. Make pro/con lists for each of these options. Then spend time thinking and praying about which choice to make. Basically, your pregnant daughter has the following choices for the relationship with the baby's father:

• Marry the baby's father 'soon' (within a year)
• Marry the baby's father at some point much later (years in the future)
• Have no contact/involvement with the baby's father: either be a single parent, marry someone else (at some later point), or choose an adoptive family for the baby
• Not marry the baby's father but he will be involved in parenting with you to some degree
• Not marry the baby's father at this time (and maybe never) and choose an adoptive family for the baby

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?".

Episode 8 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 8, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's grandmother, "Mimsy," arrives and greets Amy in the kitchen. When Amy looks embarrassed by Mimsy mentioning the baby, Mimsy says, "No shame. Not a moment of shame. Not with me, anyway, because I'm so proud of you. You are a wonderful girl! So, you're going to have a baby, so what? Who cares? Life must have wanted another beautiful creature on this planet. Who knows Life's plan? We don't know how this is all going to turn out...whether this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing, so don't worry about it, not a bit!" Talk to your kids about these sentiments. Are they in line with what they wish a response to pregnancy would be? What do you think of these thoughts?

At school, Ricky is talking to Adrian. He says he's been learning about babies. He says he cares about the baby. Adrian counters with, "Or, you just think you should care, so you're acting as if you care." Ricky replies, "What's the difference?" Talk to your kids about the difference. How could they tell if a boy was just pretending to care about them? If your daughter is pregnant, does she think the baby's father really cares about her and the baby or is justing pretending to care?

Next Ricky is talking to Grace and he tells her that Amy is going to her grandmother's house to live. He sneers, "She's running away like a child. It might be a good time to grow up. There are schools for girls like her." If your daughter is pregnant, what does she want to do about finishing school? How does she perceive school programs for pregnant teens? What does she think about the possibility of living with relatives during her pregnancy -- is it running away to do so? Being pregnant does mean that you have to grow up, regardless of what age you are when pregnant. What areas of life do your kids think need to become more adult when someone is pregnant?

At Amy's house, Mimsy has brought Amy a sweater that Amy's mom wore when she told Mimsy she was pregnant herself. Mimsy says she remembers telling Amy's mom (just as she has now told Amy) that "Adoption is not an option. We're a big family. We can take care of this baby. You and George and me and even Ashley. We can take care of the baby!" Amy's mom replies, "Well, mom, I don't know about that. We still have lots of time to think about what's right for Amy and the baby." Mimsy says, "Oh, well we don't need any more time. Amy and I have decided. We don't want adoption. We want to keep the baby." A wonderful benefit of not rushing into an abortion is that you have plenty of time to figure out how to overcome the challenges of parenting and adoption. Acknowledge to yourselves that you can change your mind about adoption and parenting many times during the pregnancy, and even for some period of time after the baby is born. But the fact that there is time to think doesn't mean you should wait until the last minute to become educated about both adoption and parenting. One teen we worked with had put this self-education off for later but she suddenly went into labor and gave birth nearly 2.5 months early. Amidst the scary birth of the premature baby, she wasn't prepared to make decisions about parenting and adoption because she assumed she had plenty of time to think about them "tomorrow." So start the process of learning and decision making as soon as possible. Talk to your kids about Mimsy's reaction that they whole family would help take care of the baby and thus adoption shouldn't be chosen. What does your whole family think about your daughter's pregnancy? What does each of them wish she would choose? Are they truely willing to help with middle of the night feedings? or babysitting while your daughter is in school? If your family is not available or not able to help with raising the baby, does that encourage you to examine adoption more closely?

Amy says that she wants to keep the baby, and "Mimsy agrees that Ben and I should get married, and possibly go on a honeymoon to Paris... a little wedding gift from Mimsy." Amy's mom is stunned and points out that Mimsy hasn't even met Ben and that they are both just 15 years old. Mimsy says, "Who cares how old they are?" This topic of teen marriage has come up in several episodes, so see our other posts about this show to find discussion questions about marriage. In this post, let's talk about weddings and honeymoons. What are your kid's dreams about their eventual wedding? Have them do research on the cost of their dream wedding. How would your family pay for it? Then have your kids develop ideas for a wedding that would be nice but the budget would be something that is easily affordable instead of needing a second mortgage or huge loan. We have worked with several women who had weddings that were so expensive that the loan wasn't even paid off when the couple divorced a few years later, in part due to the economic stresses they were unable to handle. Next talk about their dream honeymoon, and a honeymoon that would be nice but more affordable. If your daughter is pregnant, would it make more economic sense to save up for a five-year wedding anniversary trip instead of an extravagant wedding and honeymoon?

In the show, we start to see that maybe Mimsy is suffering from Alzheimer's, because she pulls out the silverware drawer and says the baby can stay in there for the first year or two, and then they can find something bigger like a dresser drawer. Later in the show, we learn that Mimsy has already moved into an assisted living facility and she will be touring Europe for a few months while she still can. Families often face stresses from multiple directions, just like this show. As a parent, you may have to cope with the stress of a pregnant single daughter at the same time as the stress of your own parent with failing health. Make sure that you too get any support or grief counseling you need to help you cope with all parts of your life as a parent.

At Grace's house, Ricky and Grace's brother have a talk because Grace's brother was adopted into Grace's family because his mother died. Ricky had told Grace earlier that he wasn't sure about adoption for his child because he didn't know what adoption was like. While you and your daughter are educating yourselves about adoption in order to cover all the bases, see if you can talk to a person who was adopted into a family. Make up a list of questions to ask them, including the things you are afraid of. For example, are you afraid the adopted person feels rejected by their first mother? Don't let myths and misconceptions rule your mind as you learn about all of your options regarding the baby.

Amy & Madison are talking about how they both wanted someone to desire them, even though they knew that Ricky was a horrible person. Lauren and Madison both admit they feel desparate to get a boyfriend. Talk to your kids about this natural longing to belong and to be loved. Ask them to describe how they feel. What do they imagine a perfect loving relationship would be like? What do they think the realities of relationships are like? Ask them to brainstorm all the different paths their longing for love could lead them down. Some of these paths may end up in a good place, and others will not. Ask them to describe the differences between infatuation, lust, and real love. There are lots of books that talk about these emotions..perhaps you could discuss one with your teens.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 8 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

"Is Marriage In Our Future?"

The topic of marriage has been on the minds of some of our readers recently, with queries such as "should pregnant christian people get married?", and "when daughter does not have blessing of marriage", among others. There is no single answer that fits all situations. Choosing to marry the baby's father is a decision that should be made with careful consideration, prayer, and outside counseling.

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Is Marriage In Our Future?". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson first lists a few facts about marriage:
"In 2000, 58% of all men and 54% of all women over the age of 15 were married. For people age 35 through 44, 69% of men and 71% of women were married. In 2000, 8.3% of all men and 10.2% of all women over age 15 were divorced."

"Many people have studied the effects of marriage on people and society. These experts found that people who are married:
• Are healthier, in general
• Live longer
• Tend to have more money and more financial security

They also found that children who live with their married parents:
• Get more education
• Have better marriages when they grow up
• Feel better about themselves and their lives

But healthy marriages are important. People with marital problems tend to be:
• More depressed
• Get sick more often
• Have children who get sick more often
• Have children who are not well adjusted

And if people divorce, their health suffers. For example:
• Divorced adults have a greater chance of dying earlier
• Children whose parents divorce live an average of four years less"

The lesson makes a good point that not everyone is a good candidate for marriage. You should not automatically get married just because you are pregnant. If your partner is abusive, you should get help to get away from them, not marry them. The lesson suggests these "yellow flags" as areas to get counseling about when considering a potential marriage partner:

Yellow Flags About Marriage:

• If your partner is often very depressed, unsure of himself or herself, and very anxious.
  
  
• If either of you ask over and over again, “Are you sure you love me? Do you really care about me?”
  
  
• If you spend most of your time together arguing and disagreeing.
  
  
• If your partner overreacts to simple problems or situations.
  
  
• If you keep thinking, “Things will be better when we get married.”
  
  
• If your partners wants to make all the important decisions and you resent it.
  
  
• If you are feeling pressure to get married but don’t want to.
  
  
• If you spend a day alone with your partner (not watching television), and you find you can’t stand it.
  
  
• If your partner does things you cannot stand but you are afraid to tell him or her because he or she will get mad.
  

The lesson also suggests a few "red flags" and encourages you not to marry a person with these challenges until they have been resolved:

"Red Flags"

• If your partner is an addict and not in recovery.
  
  
• If your partner physically or verbally abuses you or your children.
  
  
• If your partner is very controlling and you are fearful of him.
  
  
• If your partner demands that you drop all your friends and not see your family.
  
  
• If your partner gets angry easily and can’t control his or her temper.
  
  
• If your partner takes money that is needed to buy food and other necessities.
  

With your daughter, each of you write out a list of the positive traits a good marriage partner should have, and a list of the negative traits they should not have. Compare your lists. Then discuss how your daughter matches these lists and how the baby's father matches these lists. No one is perfect and each person will have a mix of positive and negative marriage traits. Try to be realistic and thorough.

The lesson suggests some questions to ask yourself:
• Do you believe that your future husband or wife will change if you get married? The facts show that most of us do not change very much or very quickly.
• Do you believe that you will be different when you get married? Do you hope that getting married will give you a fresh start and you can leave your problems behind? Most of us bring “baggage” with us into our marriages. If we had unhappy childhoods or don’t get along well with our parents, we will carry these problems into our marriage.
• Do you struggle with depression, anxiety, anger, being overly sensitive to criticism, or having frequent mood swings? Get help with these problems before getting married. Work on building your relationship with your own parents.
• Are you closing your eyes to your own or your partner’s faults? Most of us tend to not see our partner’s faults before we get married. Then after we are married we notice every fault.

Finally, the lesson suggests a three things that help make a marriage more successful:
"1) A marriage lasts when couples are able to solve the disagreements and conflict that are a part of every relationship.
2) A marriage must have at least five positive moments for every negative moment between the couple. In other words acts of kindness need to outweigh criticism and other negative behavior by a ratio of five to one.
3) But it is not a matter of just being nice. Instead, it is learning to calm oneself, to listen and respond nondefensively, and to stick together even when the going gets rough.
So, a healthy marriage involves more than marrying the “right person.” It also involves learning to manage conflict, to talk to each other and to stay committed during the tough times. It means becoming friends."

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church".

Dads are Important, Too

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Dads are Important, too". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. If the baby's father will not be involved with your daughter and grandchild for some reason, discuss who could be a father figure for the child. If that person is currently available, have them join you to discuss this lesson. If you have not yet chosen a father figure for the child, maybe this lesson will help you brainstorm about the qualities you want that person to have. If no one your family knows would make an acceptable father figure, discuss whether adoption may provide the desired father for this child. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

"Your baby, your baby’s father, and you make up a family whether or not you are married to your baby’s dad. Together, you and your baby’s dad have brought a new person into the world. What kind of life do you want for your baby?" With your pregnant daughter and the baby's father, each of you write a list that answers this question, then compare your lists.

In several previous posts, we highlighted some of the research that shows that fathers are important to the health of mother and child, and have an impact on childhood obesity. Fathers also have an impact on alcohol and drug use, and child abuse prevention. Fathers can help teens avoid pregnancy, and have better educational results. Finally, fathers can help the family avoid poverty and being involved in crime.

The lesson asks you to write about what a father is, and lists some ideas: "Fathers are involved in the day-to-day lives of their children. Fathers show love, talk to their children, smile, and make them feel special. Fathers provide support for their children (money, care, time). Fathers give positive and appropriate discipline. Fathers spend time with their children on a regular basis. Fathers are a consistent part of their children’s lives." Make your own lists and discuss them. What kind of help will your daughter and the baby's father need in order to be better parents?

The next list you should each write out is to think about your own father and write out the good fathering skills he had and also the areas where he had weaknesses as a father. The lesson notes that "Many fathers parent the way they were parented by their fathers. That might be all they know. Most fathers want to do a better job at parenting than their own fathers did. Some fathers, when they become adults, improve their relationship with their own fathers. Others find this difficult to do and need help dealing with their feelings. We each learn a great deal by thinking about our own fathering but it is more important to move forward in a positive way." Discuss the lists you each made. Brainstorm ways that the baby's father can avoid some of the weaknesses he saw in his father.

The lesson talks about some of the barriers that fathers face sometimes. "When they were involved with the mother, fathers saw their children more often. When they were no longer romantically involved, they had far less contact. They reported disagreements with the children’s mother over money. Many men could not get jobs that paid them enough to
provide on-going support for their children. Mothers often nagged them about the lack of support and money. Men involved in the underground economy or illegal activities felt ashamed and didn’t want their children to know about it. Some had been in prison and had not had much contact with their children. Disagreements with the mother’s mother or grandmother often interfered with the father’s contact with his children. Although children were important to these men, they often were not able to do much for them in return, especially as the children got older." Discuss these items with your pregnant daughter and the baby's father. Brainstorm ways that these barriers might be overcome.

In looking at the role of a father figure, you may find it helpful to read the following chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "The importance of a father", "Should they marry?" and "Should she parent alone?"

Educate yourself and daughter about Shaken Baby Syndrome

A recent article on CNN.com was titled "New Year's baby's death shatters family, relationships" and shares the story of baby Camryn Jakeb Wilson who died just a few months later from Shaken Baby Syndrome.

It is very important that everyone in your family take the time to learn about Shaken Baby Syndrome. Make sure that the baby's father or father figure learns about this topic too.

"The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome estimates as many as 1,400 babies annually are injured or killed by shaking. According to the center, 70 percent to 79 percent of people convicted of killing or hurting babies are men. The average age of perpetrators is 24, and 82 percent are either the parent of the victim or the live-in boyfriend of the mother."

According to the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome, "Violently shaking an infant for just a few seconds can cause:
• Brain injury leading to paralysis, mild to severe cognitive impairment, cerebral palsy
• Blindness
• Broken bones
• Death
Normal activities such as bouncing a baby on one's knee, tossing it in the air or jogging with a baby on one's back do not cause shaken baby syndrome."



The #1 reason that people shake and damage babies is that they have been unable to figure out why the baby is crying.

How to cope with a baby who is crying and cannot be comforted:



Talk with your pregnant daughter about this information. Help her write a list of things she can do when she gets frustrated with her baby. Talk with her about screening the people who will care for her baby: are they trustworthy? have they been educated about shaken baby syndrome? are they prone to frustration, anger, or physical abuse? How can the safety of her baby be improved?

Episode 7 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 7, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy is talking to her mom about leaving to live with grandmother during her pregnancy. Amy says she doesn't want anyone to see her pregnant, even her family. Amy says she wants to do this all by herself, and her mom would prefer to be there with her and see her every day. Talk to your daughter about how's she's feeling as people start to discover that she's pregnant. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Trying to hide" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy's dad comes home to talk to Amy and says, "I should have talked to you more about personal things like where babies come from." The other day we posted about books that can help you talk to your children about sex.

Amy's dad says, "These things happen, mainly when guys talk young girls into doing things they shouldn't." Amy says, "It's not all his fault. I just let it happen." Her dad replies, "No, its his fault. He knew what he was doing." If your teen daughter is pregnant, was she taken advantage of by an older boy?

Amy's dad asks Amy if Ricky knows about the baby, and has she talked to him. Amy replies that she hasn't talked to him face-to-face and that she doesn't want anything to do with him. Her dad remarks, "Too late for that." Ricky is having a similar talk with his foster parents. He tells them he hasn't talked to Amy, that he doesn't want to talk to her, and that he doesn't want anything to do with her. His foster dad also notes, "You've already had something to do with her, son." Ricky reminds his foster dad that he isn't his father, and the foster dad replies, "I'm not your father, but I've tried to be a good father. Now you're going to be a dad. What kind of father will you be? It's time to have a conversation. Go talk to her." If your daughter is pregnant, have you met with the family of the baby's father? Has your daughter's partner abandoned her now that she is pregnant?

Amy's dad asks her what will happen after the baby is born, and Amy says she doesn't know and that she doesn't want to think about it now. While nine months of pregnancy can seem like a long time, it may pass faster than you expect, especially if the baby is born early. There are so many things to learn about and think about, that you really cannot delay for too long. Spend a little time each day learning about a relevant topic such as nutrition, fetal development, pregnancy, adoption, parenting skills, or decision making skills.

Ricky says Amy couldn't possibly come to school and have a baby and asks his foster mom if she can do something about that. She replies, "I encourage teenage mothers to stay in school." She encourages Ricky to take responsibility for this baby. He replies, "I'm not exactly the responsible type and neither is she - thus the baby."

Ben is talking to his dad about Amy wanting to leave town and not see him. Ben's dad replies, "She scared. She's scared, she's angry, and she's overwhelmed." Ben's dad tells Ben to go along with Amy's plan and to recognize that her plan will change many times. Talk to your pregnant daughter about what she is feeling. If she is scared, is she able to list all the things that worry her? Is she angry? If so, can she list the people she's angry at and why she's angry at them? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "What is my daughter feeling?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy & Ashley are talking about how Amy wants to be a normal teen and have a baby much later in life, after school & marriage. Ashley asks, "Then why did you have sex?" Amy replies, "I don't know. I didn't think about it. I didn't have a reason, I kinda just did it." Amy asks Ashley to promise not to have sex until she's married, but Ashley responds that she has condoms instead. Talk to your other children about how they are feeling with a pregnant sister. Are they embarrassed? How does their sister's pregnancy make them feel about sex outside marriage?

Amazingly (but who didn't see it coming?) Ricky and Amy's dad end up at Adrian's apartment. They talk. Amy's dad is angry at Ricky, but explains why he wants to talk instead of killing Ricky. Amy's dad then tells Ricky that Ricky is to have no part of Amy's decision making process at all. Amy's dad says that Ricky will go along with whatever Amy and her parents decide, and that if Amy choose adoption then Ricky will sign the papers releasing his child. Further, if Amy chooses to parent the child, then Ricky will pay support but have no parental rights because that's his punishment for taking advantage of an innocent 15 year old girl. Ricky agrees to this for the moment, but later talks to Amy and says he would like to be kept informed about her decisions at the minimum. Talk to your pregnant daughter about what involvement she would like from the baby's father. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 7(pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Pregorexia

The CBS Early Show had a segment recently on "pregorexia" - pregnancy anorexia. Watch the segment:



The CBS article says, "Mother's of average weight are advised to gain 25-35 pounds during pregnancy, Phillips adds. If you're overweight, you should aim for the lower end of that range, and if you're underweight before pregnancy you, should gain between 28-40 pounds. Moms of twins my gain 45 or more."

This article says, "The right level of exercise depends on how fit you were before pregnancy. Wear loose, comfortable clothes. Drink plenty of fluids and don't allow yourself to get overheated as this can be harmful to the baby. Take a gentle approach to exercises that put strain on joints and ligaments. Listen to your body. Dizziness and fatigue are not uncommon in the first trimester and some women lose their balance more easily later in the pregnancy. Don't exercise to lose weight during pregnancy as this may harm your baby. Don't exercise flat on your back as this can restrict the flow of blood to the womb. Don't use saunas or steam rooms. If your Body Mass Index was less than 19.8 before you became pregnant, you should aim for a weight gain of between 12.5 to 18kg, or 28 to 40lb."

How can new mothers lose extra weight after giving birth?

In an article called 'Celebrity Mamas Fuel Post-Baby Body Blues', "Most doctors don't advise extreme dieting or vigorous workouts immediately after giving birth. The La Leche League International, a breast-feeding support organization, recommends mothers not deliberately try to lose weight the first two months after having a baby to establish a good milk supply and let their bodies recover from childbirth. Women who want to lose weight still need between 1,500 and 1,800 calories a day to maintain good milk production, the organization says. On the flip side, nursing burns up to 500 calories a day so Junior can help you in your quest to shed pounds."

According to this article, new moms need help to get the sleep she needs! "One Harvard University study found women who sleep five hours or less when their babies are six months old are three times as likely to keep their baby weight six months later than moms who sleep seven hours a night."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about her body image. Does she worry about staying thin while pregnant? Is she eating properly for the health of the baby? Is she exercising to the point of exhaustion? Together, talk to her doctor about the appropriate kinds of exercise and diet for the health of her baby. Find out how much weight her doctor thinks she should be gaining during her pregnancy. What kind of help does your pregnant daughter need in order to get more sleep, eat better, and exercise appropriately?

Talking to your kids about sex

There have been quite a few books released recently about the sexualization of young girls. For example, see this interview/advertisement for "So Sexy So Soon" which gives teasers about topics such as how the "sexualization of childhood affects boys, as well as girls, negatively." The authors basically answer each interview question with "read our book...we couldn't possibly summarize our answers." The authors say parents should make age-appropriate rules for clothing and makeup, and start talking to their kids about sex as soon as possible. Instead of having one awkward talk, have hundreds of small talks that are incorporated into everyday life.

If you think that books for your kids would help open the door to conversation, here are some recommendations.

"God's Design for Sex: The Story of Me" is for ages 0-3 according to Focus on the Family, but read the reviews at Amazon where several parents say the content is probably better for ages 5-9.

The next book in that series is "God's Design for Sex: Before I Was Born", and Focus on the Family recommends this for ages 4-7. Again, read the parent reviews and see if this book is better for a slightly older child (8-10 perhaps).

The next book in that series is "What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex" and is for tweens, ages 8-12.

The final book in this series is "Facing the Facts- The Truth About Sex and You" and is for ages 11-14.

Either read those books with your kids and talk along the way, or read them before giving them to your kids and make sure to ask them questions about what they read.

Books for you, the parent, are also available:

Raising Your Kids to be Sexually Pure

A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex

How To Talk to Your Kids About Sexuality

Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation

Episode 6 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Episode 6 starts with Amy sitting in the kitchen one morning. When her mom notices her, Amy says "I'm having a baby." If your teen daughter is pregnant, how did she break the news to you? Amy's mom doesn't believe her at first, asking if this announcement is a school assignment. Amy's mom then says, "Amy, you can't be pregnant. That's impossible." Amy tells her mom that she has been to see Dr. Hightower about six weeks ago, but Amy's mom is struggling to accept the situation, asking if the pregnancy is a joke that Amy & Ashley invented to distract their mom from the situation with their dad leaving. As Amy's mom keeps asking questions, she sounds a little angry. This shock, denial, and anger is a natural start to a grief cycle, so don't beat yourself up if you experience these upon hearing big news like this. What would you like your kids to do to help break hard news to you, whether its a failing grade, a car accident, pregnancy or anything else that may be scary to admit to you? Overall, Amy's mom was relatively calm and accepting of hearing the news of Amy's pregnancy. How was your reaction to your daughter's pregnancy similar and different? What do you wish you had done differently when you first heard the news?

Amy then says, "I think I want an abortion." Amy's mom says, "I don't know. Let's just think about this, okay? Let's think about all of the options." If your single daughter is pregnant, take the time to be educated about the benefits and consequences of all her choices: abortion, adoption, and parenting. A pregnancy help center can counsel and eduacte both you & your spouse, your daughter, and the baby's father. Don't rush into any decision. Take time to read, talk, and pray. You may find the chapter "Supporting my daughter as she makes decisions" helpful from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy says, "Mom, if you don't let me have an abortion, I want to go somewhere. Aren't there like homes for teenage mothers? I need a home." Amy's mom says, "But honey this is your home." Amy says, "I can't stay here and have a baby!" Both Amy & her mom are crying now. Later in the show, Amy's mom says, "Maybe we can think about adoption. You can go away until the baby comes. What if you go to my mom's?" In the car with Adrian and Ben on the way to the abortion clinic, Amy makes it sound like its her mom that wants to send her away and she doesn't want to go. Often the best place for your pregnant teen is in your home. But if there are reasons why she wants to live elsewhere or needs to live elsewhere, she may be able to live with relatives, friends, or a maternity home depending on her situation. With your pregnant daughter, research all her housing options and make lists of the pros and cons of each possible choice. Again, take time to make a careful decision, not a rushed decision.

Amy's mom calls the school to tell them that Amy will not be in class for the rest of the week, that they are going to Chicago because a family member died. Amy doesn't want her mother to tell her dad that she's pregnant. Later in the show, Amy's dad calls Amy on her cellphone, wondering why he got a message from Amy's mom. Amy says he doesn't need to come home, that everything will be okay, but that she has something to tell him and she asks him not to be mad at her. Amy's mom takes Amy's cellphone and tells the dad that Amy is pregnant, and he hangs up quickly. If one of your kids shares hard news with you, how have you shared that news with your spouse? Does your spouse want to be told right away, even over a cell phone? Or would they prefer that you wait until they get home from work? You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Talking with My Husband" and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". These chapters discuss, among other things, how and when you tell family about your daughter's pregnancy.

Amy's mom tells Amy she's not happy that Dr. Hightower didn't call her to inform her that Amy was pregnant, and also she's embarrassed that Dr. Hightower's partner knows about Amy's pregnancy before she did. Talk to your kid's doctor about what health issues related to your minor child they will tell you about and what health issues they will hide from you under patient confidentiality. Do these policies depend on age, type of health issue, or some combination of factors? Also find out what your insurance company will tell you about your minor child's medical bills and what they will hide from you.

Amy says, "What if I just don't have the baby?" Amy's mom says, "You can think about that, and it's totally your choice. It's not a religious thing with me at all. It's how I feel about..I don't know...life." Talk to your kids about your thoughts about sex outside marriage, pregnancy outside marriage, abortion, and the life of the baby. What religous beliefs do you hold regarding these? What do your kids think about these topics?

Amy's mom says, "What happened to having a plan? You're supposed to have a plan for sex. You're supposed to have a plan that says you'll wait until you're older, so you can get an education and have a career before you settle down and start a family." Amy says, "I never thought about it." Ask your kids if they have thought about having sex outside marriage. Do they have a general plan for their life now (education, career, marriage, having children)? Do they have any dreams or goals about these topics? What are your preferences about their plans for sex, marriage, education, career, and starting a family?

Amy asks, "If I did end up having the baby, do you think I could get married? Ben said he would marry me." Amy's mom responds, "Is that how this happened? Ben said he would marry you if you got pregnant?" Later, Ben's dad and Amy's dad talk about the idea of Ben & Amy getting married. Neither of Amy's parents want her to get married at 15. Ben & his father also talk to the school guidance counselor about marriage. The counselor says that teen marriages dont have a "snowball's chance in hell." We gave a few statistics about teen marriage in a previous post about the show. Amy & her mom later also talk again about Amy marrying Ben. Amy's mom thinks Amy should try handling her pregnancy by herself instead of allowing Ben to rescue her. Amy's mom admits that she married Amy's father because she was pregnant with Amy and told her own parents that they had gotten married a year previous, and that allowing him to rescue her meant she felt like she was still trying to pay him back. Talk with your kids about their thoughts of people getting married because of pregnancy at age 15. What about getting married because of pregnancy at 18? or 21? or some other age? What factors do they think should be considered in deciding to get married, with or without pregnancy? If your daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy's mom tells Ashley that she should have informed her that Amy was "in trouble." Do you want your kids to tell you when one of their siblings is having trouble with something (sex, pregnancy, alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc.)? What if they promised their sibling not to tell? What do your kids think they should do?

At school, one of Amy's friends (Lauren) says that she's no longer allowed to go to Amy's house after telling her own parents that her friend Amy is pregnant. If your teen had a pregnant friend, what would your reaction be? What, if any, contact restrictions do your teens think would be appropriate? Lauren's parents have not contacted Amy's parents when they heard this news. If your teen told you a friend was pregnant, would you call the parents? Would you want your teen's parents to call you if they knew something about your teen's health? (such as alcohol use, drugs, smoking, pregnancy, etc.)

Lauren & Madison discuss how Amy has to make up her own mind what she wants to do about the baby. Lauren says they can have an opinion but if Amy wants to "terminate the pregnancy" it's her choice. Ricky is talking to Grace about Amy being pregnant and says, "Even though it [having sex] was her idea, I would never be irresponsible so there is no way she's having my baby." When Ricky tells Grace that Amy is possibly having an abortion, Grace says, "I will not let anything bad happen to your baby!" Grace & Ricky go to the Family Planning Clinic, where Grace is determined to confront Amy about having an abortion. Amy uses Ashley's cell to call Adrian to come and drive Amy to a "free clinic". Ben pays Adrian $250 to go with her to Amy's house. When Adrian & Ben pick Amy up, Ben tries to convince Amy not to have an abortion, "You thought the worst part was telling your parents, but now that they know, everything gets better. They love you." Ben encourages Amy to talk to her parents about her decision. In many states, a minor cannot have an abortion without their parents notification, or even consent. Find out the current laws for your state regarding a minor's access to abortion. Appendix B "Parental Rights Regarding Abortion" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" summarizes this information as of November 2007.

Adrian is encouraging the abortion, telling Amy that the decision is hers alone (no one should have input) and that adoption would be bad, saying "You don't want some weird couple raising your baby so it can track you down when your life is finally getting better." Adrian has a very negative view of adoption. Even single women who plan to parent should become educated about adoption so that they can say they made the choice to parent intentionally instead of by default. If your single daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should She Parent Alone?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?" and "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Amy's mom asks her what she's afraid of, regarding her pregnancy. Amy says she's afraid that giving birth will hurt, and that people will be mean to Ashley because of her being pregnant. If your single daughter is pregnant, talk to your kids about how people are reacting and talking. Your family may find that some people are hurtful and some people are helpful. How can you support each other during this emotional time, and not let this challenge destroy your family? Build a support network for your family. Look for supportive pastors, counselors, and community resources. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "How Will My Church Respond?", "Sharing with Family and Friends", and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 6 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Recent adoption statistics

The CDC National Center for Health Statistics recently released statistics about adoption, Adoption Experiences of Women and Men and Demand for Children to Adopt by Women 18-44 Years of Age in the United States (PDF), 2002. Series 23, Number 27.

One-third of all women 18–44 years of age had ever considered adopting a child. Of these, about one of seven had taken steps to adopt.

Women who had ever taken steps to adopt were more likely to be 30–44 years of age, to be currently married, to have used infertility services, and to be surgically sterile or with impaired fertility.

Overall, 1.6% of all women and 2.0% of ever-married women 18–44 years of age were currently seeking to adopt a child. Of these, approximately two-thirds were currently taking steps to adopt.

Higher percentages of Hispanic women and non-Hispanic black women were currently seeking to adopt a child compared with non-Hispanic white women.

Nearly 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002, whereas the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.

Talk with your pregnant daughter about adoption in general. Is she interested in her child being adopted by someone in the family, or by a non-related family she chooses? If she is interested in learning more about this possibility, get education from a pregnancy help center or an adoption professional.

Younger age at first intercourse may signal past abuse

Why do teens get pregnant? Some of them are the victims of sexual abuse. Some teens are pregnant directly by their abuser, and some are pregnant because of self-defeating behaviors that are a result of coping with abuse.

Sexually abused girls may initiate intercourse earlier than their peers and engage in a wide variety of high-risk behaviors, including substance abuse. The average age of first intercourse for abused girls is 13.8, in contrast to the national average of 16.2. If your daughter is pregnant or has been sexually active at an age lower than the national average, ask her if she has experienced sexual abuse.

How does child abuse affect teenage pregnancy and promiscuity? These statistics are from the Darkness to Light organization:

• Children who have been victims of sexual abuse exhibit long-term and more frequent behavioral problems, particularly inappropriate sexual behaviors.
  
• Women who report childhood rape are 3 times more likely to become pregnant before age 18.
  
• An estimated 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. The average age of their offenders is 27 years.
  
• Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous.
  
• More than 75% of teenage prostitutes have been sexually abused.
  

Talk to all your daughters about these statistics, and ask them to tell you about any abuse they have recieved. If your daughter has been abused, get her medical assistance, counseling, and talk to authorities about reporting the abuse.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

The Campaign for Our Children has a fact sheet called "The Effects of Teen Pregnancy" which lists the following statistics. Talk to your kids about these.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

50% of adolescents who have a baby become pregnant again within two years of the baby’s birth. We posted about this topic just the other day: "A Second (or Third) Teen Pregnancy". Talk to your kids about choosing sexual integrity.

Only 41% of teenage mothers complete high school, making it less likely for teen mothers to have the skills necessary to qualify for a well-paying job. Help your pregnant daughter finish school and get job skills. Help your daughter identify some goals for education and job training. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Almost 50% of all teen mothers and more than 75% of unmarried teen mothers begin receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child. Help your daughter find other community resources that can help too. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Nearly 80% of fathers of children born to teen mothers do not marry the mothers. How is the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Does your daughter hope to marry him, or has he disappeared? What challenges will your daughter face if she chooses to be a single mother? How could your whole family help her with these challenges? Is adoption an option that would be beneficial to your daughter and her child?

Teen fathers pay less than $800 in child support. With your pregnant daughter, figure our how much money she will need each month to support herself and her child. How much support will your family be able to help her with?

Children born to teen mothers are more likely to have low birth weight and related problems such as infant death, blindness, and mental retardation. Make sure your pregnant teen gets medical care right away. Your pregnant teen also needs proper nutrition for herself and her child.

Children of teen parents often receive inadequate parenting, are subject to abuse and neglect, and often have insufficient health care. Help your pregnant daughter start learning about parenting skills. Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Children of teen parents are 50% more likely to repeat a grade, perform poorly on standardized tests, and ultimately less likely to complete high school. If your daughter plans to parent her child, how can your family and other community resources help her child overcome this education challenge? Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Sources:
1. National Vital Statistics, Vol. 50, No. 50, 2002
2. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2002). Not Just Another Single Issue, Washington, DC.
3. Maynard, R.A. (1996). Kids having kids: A Robin Hood Foundation special report on the costs of adolescent childbearing. New York, Robin Hood Foundation.

Motherhood means....?

In a recent opinion editorial titled "Teens not ready for reality of parenting: Those who think that a baby will provide love have an awful lot to learn" by Elizabeth Davies, Ms. Davies presents her thoughts on the realities of parenting. Read her opinion article with your kids and discuss it with them. How much did your experience of motherhood match Ms. Davies' list of reality? How was your experience of motherhood different?

In the article, Ms. Davies says:

• "Some teen girls -- perhaps including those in Gloucester -- want to become pregnant. They do it on purpose. They see that child as a symbol of adulthood, as someone who they can rely on for love and devotion." Talk with your kids about the meaning of adulthood. What makes someone an adult? Are there shortcuts to being an adult? Does everyone over a particular age automatically become an adult? Talk to your kids about relationships: Is there a guarantee that all children will always show love and devotion to their parents? Is there a guarantee that married people always show love and devotion to each other?
• "Babies aren't capable of looking out for anyone but themselves. They are inherently selfish and incomplete. ... Besides, babies aren't all frills and giggles. They're messy, defiant, frustrating and exhausting." Talk to your kids about these descriptions of babies. In your experience, how accurate is this list? Is this list realistic, or negative? Does this list represent the entire picture of babies, in your opinion?

Ms. Davies also lists what Motherhood means to her:

• "Never sleeping in" and "Waking up at 5 a.m. if that's the time your little angel decides her day will begin." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced somewhat by going to bed earlier? Or designing caretaking shifts with spouse or family?)
• "Cleaning up vomit, even on your birthday." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced by having a support system such as a spouse, family members, friends, or support group?)
• Not going out to party on special occassions because no babysitter is available. (Maybe some advance planning would help, or have a party at your house with friends instead of going out?)
• Buying only clearance-priced clothes for yourself while splurging on designer clothes for the baby. (Maybe skip the designer clothes for baby, who can't appreciate them anyway and grows out of them after wearing them only once?)
• "Trying in vain to get your skinny jeans to fit again." (You may have to adjust your body image mentality a bit. Celebrities with nannies and personal trainers are apparently able to effortlessly regain their super-skinny body. For regular people, breastfeeding has been shown to aid women in losing weight after baby is born.)

Being a mother means that life changes. Motherhood is not all roses..there are definite challenges! But with some creativity and help from spouse and family, see if you can brainstorm ways to overcome these challenges.

Ms. Davies says, "The thing about kids is, you don't spend a whole lot of time being actively loved. Rather, you spend much of your day being needed: kissing battle scars, soothing hurts, filling bellies, fixing toys, driving the car and washing clothes. There are, of course, hugs and kisses and giant, sloppy grins. To a mother who has the time, energy and maturity to appreciate them, those are priceless. But if you're doing it right, motherhood is about giving 100 times more than you can ever receive in return. Once your children are grown and you have the wisdom to look back on their lives, the pride of raising quality adults is payment enough. Because getting pregnant isn't really about wearing maternity clothes and having a baby shower. It's not even about nursing a baby or shaking a rattle. It's about demonstrating honor, modeling love, teaching patience, building compassion. It's about raising someone who can change the world."

Talk to your kids about this quote. Ask them to write a job description for a Mother. What would be her duties? What would be her salary? Share with your kids the challenges and rewards you have experienced being a Mother.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Job Skills

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient. (Today's topic)

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Obviously, the exact skills your daughter needs in order to get a desirable job will vary depending on the type of work. But there are several general skills that will benefit her no matter what kind of job she is seeking.

First, finishing her basic education (a high school diploma or GED) is very beneficial. Read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" for more information. If your daughter does not know what kind of job would interest her, find career counseling for her. If she is in public school, do the guidance counselors have career interest surveys that can help her find an area of interest? Career guidance may also be available from paid professionals, counselors, and agencies.

The American Education Services lists these general employment skills:

Strong Work Ethic – Employers want workers who are reliable, dependable, and self-motivated. Have your daughter rate herself on these three traits. How reliable does she feel she is? Is she more reliable in some areas than in others? For example, is she reliable in picking up a friend on time, but less reliable in cleaning her room? On the job, does she show up on time? Does she get her job tasks done correctly and on time? How dependable does your daughter feel she is? If an unpleasant task really needs to be done, does your daughter do it or does she procrastinate? How self-motivated does your daughter feel she is? Does she require bribes to do her chores or get good grades? Does she have dreams, goals and plans for her future? On the job, does she pro-actively take care of problems, or does she only do what she is ordered to do?

Time Management Skills – Planning and following a schedule, listing the tasks you need to complete, and estimating how long it will take. Talk with your daughter about these skills. How would she rate herself on her ability to make and follow a schedule? Is she able to create to-do lists and successfully complete those activities? On the job, does she faithfully follow her work schedule? Is she able to coordinate her work schedule with other things like school and church?

Problem-Solving Skills – Be able to identify a problem, develop solutions, and implement the solutions. How does your daughter rate herself on her problem-solving skills? On the job, is she able to figure out how to solve problems that arise?

Communication Skills – Verbal communication includes speaking and listening. Written communication includes reading and writing. It is vital that your daughter develop ALL of these skills. How does your daughter rate herself on her verbal communication skills? How about her written communication skills? If one area is stronger than the other, brainstorm with her how she could improve her skills.

"People" Skills – The ability to work well with others, based on trust and mutual respect. How does your daughter rate her people skills? What could she do to improve these skills?

Computer Skills – Be able to use word processing and spreadsheet programs, e-mail, and the Internet. How does your daughter rate her computer skills? Many schools, libraries and other agencies offer free or low-cost classes to improve these important job skills.

To be economically self-sufficient, your daughter needs to figure out how much it costs to live and then figure out what kind of job would pay her enough to cover her expenses. The chapter titled "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" guides you and your daughter through the exercises of making a budget, and also developing a contract that specifies her privileges and responsibilities if she will be living in your home although many of these responsibilities should be reflected in her budget.