Growing with your children

The National Fatherhood Institute reminds parents that your parenting skills must grow and change as your children grow. It may seem obvious, but it can be a challenge to learn how to parent teens effectively --- you may already know that too! In their article "Growing With Your Kids" they say that some things about your parenting must stay the same as the kids grow and others must change.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need to be committed to them and to be involved in their lives. This is so very true when your daughter is pregnant. You may be angry and threaten to kick her out of the house. Your finances may already be breaking before her child is born. But your daughter still needs to to be committed to her! Brainstorm with her about the challenges your family is facing so that the family can support each other, not tear itself apart.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need your love and encouragement, no matter how many mistakes they make. When your toddler wanted to eat candy off the floor over and over and over and over, you didn't stop loving her. Don't stop loving your daughter now just because her mistakes have bigger consequences. Believe in your daughter, and tell her that you believe in her. Find something encouraging to say, even if you have to look hard to find it.

Stay the Same: Teach. As a mother, you have a wealth of experience to teach your daughter about now that she is pregnant. Think back to when you were pregnant. Were you scared? Were you worried? You daughter is probably feeling these things too. Share with her the things that scared you and also how it turned out. Your family has many decisions to make about the life of your grandchild, so talk about how your beliefs and convictions can be lived out in this difficult situation.

Change: Listen more. Get your daughter talking by asking her open-ended questions instead of yes/no questions. Then listen for her emotions behind the words she says. See if you can figure out how her mind is working. Challenge yourself to really pay attention so that she will be wrong if she says "You never listen to me! You don't understand me!"

Change: Teach different things. Now that your daughter is pregnant, any abstract lessons you've tried to teach about responsibility need to become concrete very quickly. She is a mother now and needs to train for the responsibilities that entails. Your pregnant daughter needs to learn a lot of new skills: how to bathe a slippery infant, how to feed and dress a squirmy child, how to know when the child is ill, etc. She also needs more realistic lessons about money and budgeting: can she really afford Baby Gap clothes? how many diapers will she need each week? How will she get to doctor's appointments? How will she pay the doctor? How will she pay for babysitting while she is at work or school? Don't forget time management skills too: how will she finish school while caring for the baby? Who will get up for the 3am feeding?

Change: Setting goals. Now that your daughter is pregnant, she needs to re-plan her life. How does this grandchild change her plans for the next 12 months? 5 years? 10 years? Help your daughter set long term goals like finishing school, but also set short term goals like getting to her doctor's appointments on time.