Getting baby's father involved

A recent study suggests that "Fathers who are involved in their children's prenatal care are more likely to be around for the long haul, whether they marry the child's mother or not." So if the father of the baby is someone your family would like to keep around, take action to involve him in the activities of your daughter's pregnancy: "buying things for the baby, helping with the mother with transportation or other tasks, or being present at the birth."

If the baby's father is no longer in the picture or your family does not want him involved for any reason, who will serve as the baby's father figure in the future? Consider asking this person to start being involved right away by taking on the above activities.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" that are related to the baby's father: "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Forgiving the baby's father", "The importance of a father", "Should they marry?" and "The baby is born."

Vitamin D

Make sure your pregnant daughter talks to her doctor about vitamin D. A recent study found that pregnant women who do not get enough vitamin D are more likely to have a cesarean section delivery. Your daughter can get more vitamin D in several ways: careful exposure to sunlight, "drinking vitamin D-fortified milk, taking vitamin D supplements and, for those at high risk (women with minimal sun exposure or dark-skinned women living at high latitudes) asking their docs for blood tests to make sure they're not deficient in the bone and muscle-building vitamin."

Mary's Crisis Pregnancy

The following devotional was written by Cyndi Philkill, and appeared in the book "From the Field", Edited by Linda Perry and Cyndi Philkill, 1989.



"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"

The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God...For nothing is impossible with God."

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:34-38)

This is the beginning of the most awesome crisis pregnancy of all time, as well as a wonderful example of the sanctity of human life and a servant heart. It is the story of the incarnation, God in flesh, Jesus Christ. Why did Jesus come into this world as a baby born of a woman? Why didn't God just zap Him down as a grown man, in the same manner He fashioned Adam? Jesus had to fulfill the Old Testament prophecies about the Savior coming from the line of David. He had to be fully human, to fulfill His mission. In order to be fully human, His life had to begin as all human life begins, at the moment of conception, not after He was "viable" outside the womb, or took His first breath or responded to external stimulus, but at the moment of conception.

What about Mary and her crisis pregnancy? Can you imagine what it would have been like 2,000 years ago to face a pregnancy outside marriage in a strict Orthodox Jewish community! Not only was she pregnant, but who would believe she was pregnant by the Holy Spirit and not by her betrothed Joseph? Young Jewish women were told the prophecy of the Savior of Israel, who would be born to a virgin. They had been waiting for hundreds of years. Why should they believe Mary was the mother of the promised Messiah? The scriptures don't go into much detail, but we can imagine how Mary must have felt. Even Joseph initially turned his back on her and wanted to end their engagement privately (Matthew 1:19).

An angel had given her words of encouragement before he announced her formidable mission. "Greetings...The Lord is with you...Do not be afraid. You have found favor with God...You will be with child...He will be great...His kingdom will never end." (Luke 1:25-33)

The angel verified her own wondrous experience by sharing the miracle of the pregnancy of her aged cousin, Elizabeth. When Mary visited Elizabeth, she received immediate acceptance and confirmation that she was a handmaiden in a miracle: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear!" (Luke 1:42b)

Elizabeth provided a safe harbor, full of love and encouragement to Mary as she prepared her servant heart for the difficult life she faced. Mary was able to say: "My soul praises the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant." (Luke 1:46-47)

It is said that you can find out if you have a servant heart by the way you respond when you are treated like a servant. Mary accepted her servanthood and praised God that He had ordained her for a life of service. May her example be an inspiration to us as we love our pregnant daughters.

Discipline with Integrity

In his book "Character Connections", Robert Baggett has an essay titled "Discipline with Integrity" in which he says:

Before you can discipline a child, you first have to discipline yourself. Parents who scream and make irrational threats like "I'm gonna kill you!" never get much respect. Children soon learn that such parents are too lazy and, perhaps, too apathetic, to follow through on much of anything they say. Wise parents know to think carefully about the consequences they impose because enforcing those consequences will require time and energy of their own.

What did you say when you discovered that your unmarried teen or college daughter was pregnant? Did you threaten to kick her out of the house? Did you threaten other severe consequences? There is no doubt that pregnancy outside of marriage automatically creates consequences for the entire family, not just the pregnant daughter. There may be reasonable consequence that you choose to add, but take the time to think carefully about them instead of reacting from your emotion.

T.H.I.N.K. before you speak

In the crushing emotions of discovering that your daughter is pregnant, you may have said some things you now regret. The stresses of her pregnancy will give you many many more opportunities to choose your words more carefully in the coming days. The following acronym from the book "Character Connections" by Robert Baggett may be helpful to you. Before you speak, remember to THINK:

T - Is what you're about to say True?
H - Is what you're about to say Helpful?
I - Is what you're about to say Important?
N - Is what you're about to say Necessary?
K - Is what you're about to say Kind?

If not, can you reword your thoughts or put them off until another time? Maybe they shouldn't even be said, just vented into a private journal or into a prayer.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not mean you approve.
Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the behavior.
Forgiveness does not mean you will feel good about the event.
Forgiveness does not mean you don't hold them responsible.
Forgiveness does not mean you no longer feel pain over the event.
Forgiveness does not mean you automatically forget.
Forgiveness does not mean you are no longer incensed.
Forgiveness does not mean you have to pursue a future relationship with the offender.
Forgiveness does not mean you are of no importance.
Forgiveness does not mean God doesn't see the offense as wrong.
Forgiveness does not mean that the offense will not have any consequences.
Forgiveness does not belittle the importance of the offense.

Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness is an act of obedience to God.
Forgiveness is an act of gratitude toward Christ.


You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Forgiving the baby's father", "Forgiving the young man's parents", "Forgiving myself", "Forgiving my daughter", and "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Sex and Technology

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy recently released the following press report about a survey they conducted.

One in five teen girls (22%)—and 11% of teen girls ages 13-16 years old—say they have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude images of themselves.

These racy images are also getting passed around: One-third (33%) of teen boys and one-quarter (25%) of teen girls say they have had nude/semi-nude images—originally meant to be private—shared with them.

15% of teens who have sent sexually suggestive content such as text messages, email, photographs or video say they have done so with someone they only know online.

What teens and young adults are doing electronically seems to have an effect on what they do in real life: Nearly one-quarter of teens (22%) admit that technology makes them personally more forward and aggressive.

More than one-third of teens (38%) say exchanging sexy content makes dating or hooking up with others more likely and nearly one-third of teens (29%) believe those exchanging sexy content are “expected” to date or hook up.

Sending sexually suggestive messages is even more prevalent than sending nude/semi-nude images. Nearly half of young people (49% total, 39% of teens, 59% of young adults) have sent sexually suggestive text messages or email messages to someone.

Even more have received sexually suggestive messages: 48% of teens and 64% of young adults (56% total). Fully one-third of young teen girls (ages 13-16) have received sexually suggestive messages.

Teen girls who have sent or posted sexually suggestive content provide a number of reasons why: Two-thirds (66%) say they did so to be “fun or flirtatious,” half (52%) did so as a “sexy present” for their boyfriend, and 40% as a “joke.”

Even though nearly three-quarters of young people (73% total, 75% of teens, 71% of young adults) say that sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences,” nearly one-quarter (22% total, 19% of teens and 26% of young adults) say sending sexually suggestive content is “no big deal.”

What can you do about this? Talk to your children about these survey results!

Talk to your kids about what they are doing in cyberspace. Just as you need to talk openly and honestly with your kids about real life sex and relationships, you also want to discuss online and cell phone activity. Make sure your kids fully understand that messages or pictures they send over the Internet or their cell phones are not truly private or anonymous. Also make sure they know that others might forward their pictures or messages to people they do not know or want to see them, and that school administrators and employers often look at online profiles to make judgments about potential students/employees. It’s essential that your kids grasp the potential short-term and long-term consequences of their actions.

Know who your kids are communicating with. Of course it’s a given that you want to know who your children are spending time with when they leave the house. Also do your best to learn who your kids are spending time with online and on the phone. Supervising and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts in real life and in cyberspace doesn’t make you a nag; it’s just part of your job as a parent. Many young people consider someone a “friend” even if they’ve only met online. What about your kids?

Consider limitations on electronic communication. The days of having to talk on the phone in the kitchen in front of the whole family are long gone, but you can still limit the time your kids spend online and on the phone. Consider, for example, telling your teen to leave the phone on the kitchen counter when they’re at home and to take the laptop out of their bedroom before they go to bed, so they won’t be tempted to log on or talk to friends at 2a.m.

Be aware of what your teens are posting publicly. Check out your teen’s MySpace, Facebook and other public online profiles from time to time. This isn’t snooping— this is information your kids are making public. If everyone else can look at it, why can’t you? Talk with them specifically about their own notions of what is public and what is private. Your views may differ but you won’t know until you ask, listen, and discuss.

Set expectations. Make sure you are clear with your teen about what you consider appropriate “electronic” behavior. Just as certain clothing is probably off-limits or certain language unacceptable in your house, make sure you let your kids know what is and is not allowed online either. And give reminders of those expectations from time to time. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust your kids, it just reinforces that you care about them enough to be paying attention.

New Study Links Abortion To Wide Range of Mental Health Disorders

A new study published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research found that women who have abortions are at higher risk for various mental health disorders.[1]

The study, led by Priscilla Coleman of Bowling Green State University, used data drawn from a nationally representative survey of mental health conducted by the University of Michigan. A subsample of 5,877 women were asked about their abortion history, stressful life experiences and other potential risk factors for various mental health disorders.

Researchers studied 15 different mental health problems that included anxiety disorders (panic disorder, panic attacks, agoraphobia and post-traumatic stress disorder), mood disorders (bipolar disorder, mania and major depression) and substance abuse disorders (alcohol and drug use and dependence).

The researchers wrote that, according to their findings, "For every disorder, the abortion group had a higher frequency that was statistically significant." After removing other factors, they found that abortion "made a significant contribution" for 12 out of the 15 disorders studied. Only mania and drug and alcohol use without addiction were not significantly associated with abortion.

Overall, mental disorders among women who had abortions were 17 percent higher than among women who did not have abortions. When researchers looked at specific disorders, the increased rate among women who had abortions ranged from 44 percent higher for panic attacks and 167 percent higher for bipolar disorder.

Abortion Increases Risks More Than Other Traumas

Women who had abortions were also more likely to report a history of sexual abuse and to have experienced stressful events in adulthood, such as miscarriage, physical violence or being in a life-threatening accident. The researchers noted that women who experience domestic violence are more likely to abort compared to women who are not in violent situations.

But the researchers also found that abortion was more likely to cause mental health problems among women than was a history of other traumas such as childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical violence or neglect.

"What is most notable is that abortion contributed significant independent effects to numerous mental health problems above and beyond a variety of other traumatizing and stressful life experiences," they wrote.

Abortion advocates and some researchers have argued that the increase in mental health problems among women who have abortions is caused by previous traumas or pre-existing mental health problems among women who abort. This study found otherwise, as did the findings of a 2005 New Zealand study which found that, even after controlling for existing mental health problems, women who aborted were more likely to later experience depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse and suicidal thoughts.

More Evidence of Abortion Trauma

Previous research has linked abortion to an increase in mental health problems such as suicide, depression, substance abuse, anxiety, sleep disorders, symptoms of post-traumatic stress and other problems. But this is the first study to identify links between abortion and agoraphobia, panic attacks and panic disorders.

The findings are especially worrisome in the light of other research and anecdotal evidence suggesting that many women and teens have unwanted abortions due to pressure, disinformation, lack of support, coercion or violence. According to one survey, 64 percent of American women undergoing abortions said they felt pressured to do so by others, while more than 80 percent reported they did not receive adequate counseling beforehand and more than half said they felt rushed or uncertain before the abortion.

Further, another survey found that 95 percent of women said they wanted to be informed of all the risks before undergoing an elective procedure such as abortion. Unfortunately, much pre-abortion counseling when it is offered gives women and their partners or families deceptive or inadequate information in order to reassure or sell them on abortion, rather than helping the woman find the best solution for her and her unborn baby.

This study adds more evidence to the need for meaningful help and alternatives to abortion, as well as a mechanism to hold abortion businesses liable for failing to screen for coercion and other known factors that put women and teens at risk for mental health disorders after abortion.

~~~
Citations

1. Coleman, PK et. al., "Induced abortion and anxiety, mood, and substance abuse disorders: Isolating the effects of abortion in the national comorbidity survey," Journal of Psychiatric Research (2008), doi:10.1016/j.jpsychires.2008.10.009.

This article is from The Elliot Institute News, Vol. 7, No. 23 -- Dec. 11, 2008

Growing with your children

The National Fatherhood Institute reminds parents that your parenting skills must grow and change as your children grow. It may seem obvious, but it can be a challenge to learn how to parent teens effectively --- you may already know that too! In their article "Growing With Your Kids" they say that some things about your parenting must stay the same as the kids grow and others must change.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need to be committed to them and to be involved in their lives. This is so very true when your daughter is pregnant. You may be angry and threaten to kick her out of the house. Your finances may already be breaking before her child is born. But your daughter still needs to to be committed to her! Brainstorm with her about the challenges your family is facing so that the family can support each other, not tear itself apart.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need your love and encouragement, no matter how many mistakes they make. When your toddler wanted to eat candy off the floor over and over and over and over, you didn't stop loving her. Don't stop loving your daughter now just because her mistakes have bigger consequences. Believe in your daughter, and tell her that you believe in her. Find something encouraging to say, even if you have to look hard to find it.

Stay the Same: Teach. As a mother, you have a wealth of experience to teach your daughter about now that she is pregnant. Think back to when you were pregnant. Were you scared? Were you worried? You daughter is probably feeling these things too. Share with her the things that scared you and also how it turned out. Your family has many decisions to make about the life of your grandchild, so talk about how your beliefs and convictions can be lived out in this difficult situation.

Change: Listen more. Get your daughter talking by asking her open-ended questions instead of yes/no questions. Then listen for her emotions behind the words she says. See if you can figure out how her mind is working. Challenge yourself to really pay attention so that she will be wrong if she says "You never listen to me! You don't understand me!"

Change: Teach different things. Now that your daughter is pregnant, any abstract lessons you've tried to teach about responsibility need to become concrete very quickly. She is a mother now and needs to train for the responsibilities that entails. Your pregnant daughter needs to learn a lot of new skills: how to bathe a slippery infant, how to feed and dress a squirmy child, how to know when the child is ill, etc. She also needs more realistic lessons about money and budgeting: can she really afford Baby Gap clothes? how many diapers will she need each week? How will she get to doctor's appointments? How will she pay the doctor? How will she pay for babysitting while she is at work or school? Don't forget time management skills too: how will she finish school while caring for the baby? Who will get up for the 3am feeding?

Change: Setting goals. Now that your daughter is pregnant, she needs to re-plan her life. How does this grandchild change her plans for the next 12 months? 5 years? 10 years? Help your daughter set long term goals like finishing school, but also set short term goals like getting to her doctor's appointments on time.

Abortion increases risk of mental health problems

The New Zealand Herald recently published a short article, which is linked in the blog post title above. The research summarized in the newspaper article found that "Women who have an abortion are more likely to suffer subsequent poor mental health." The study evaluated women for "major depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol dependence and illicit drug dependence."

While after-abortion mental health problems may only account for between "1.5 and 5.5 per cent of the overall rate of mental disorders in the general population", this research study is yet another piece of evidence that abortion can be harmful, not helpful.

The effect of this study in New Zealand is interesting because "over 90% of terminations were authorised on the grounds that proceeding with the pregnancy will pose a serious threat to the woman's mental health." And now here is proof that proceeding with a termination may pose a serious threat to the woman's mental health.

It is common that you, as the parent of a pregnant teen or college student, may feel panic, fear, or shame. You may hope that a quick, quiet abortion will return everything to 'normal'. But this is not the case. Even if your daughter does not suffer from depression, anxiety, or drug use after the abortion, she will still be the mother of a dead baby and not the exact teen she was before pregnancy. Abortion can make her unpregnant, but it can't undo the fact that she is a mother. Before you urge your daughter to abort your grandchild, take the time to research the physical and emotional risks that are involved.

Jamaican Woman Shares Regret Over Forcing Daughter's Abortion

A Jamacian woman has testified before members of her country's parliament about her pain and regret over pushing her daughter into an abortion 20 years ago.

Anne Arthur, now a grief counselor, testified during a debate over whether to legalize abortion in Jamaica. LifeSiteNews.com quoted her as saying that she "drove [her] daughter like a lamb to the slaughterhouse, against her will."

Arthur testified that, "I pressed my views on her and convinced her that she would be unable to care for the child while studying and an abortion would be the best thing to do, offering her no other solution or help …" She said that after the abortion, she knew she had "made the greatest mistake" of her life.

Arthur said her daughter is now married but has had trouble conceiving because of damage from the abortion, which was carried out legally in Germany. Arthur said she no longer supports abortion.

As reported above, many women and teens frequently face pressure, coercion or even force to get them to abort. And families and friends are often deceived into thinking that abortion is the only solution.

Legalization of abortion has made it easier for others to insist that a woman abort rather than giving her authentic support. And while some abortion advocates argue that legalizing abortion in countries like Jamaica will decrease the death rate from illegal and unsafe abortions, a pro-life doctor testified before parliament that illegal abortions make up a small part of the overall maternal death rate. Dr. Doreen Brady West testified that she believes that providing better health care for women during and after pregnancy, not abortion, is the solution.

Further, studies in the U.S. and Finland have found that women who abort face a 3.5 times higher death rate compared to women who give birth, while the suicide rate among women who had abortions was 6 times higher.

~~~

For more research on abortion risks, including coercion and trauma, visit www.theunchoice.com/pblresearch.htm.

This article is courtesy of

The Elliot Institute News
From the Leader in Post-Abortion Research
Vol. 7, No. 22 -- November 26, 2008

Visit them online: www.AfterAbortion.org

UnChoice Campaign: TheUnChoice.com

Talk about Twilight, the movie

A recent Breakpoint message "BreakPoint: Conversations with Your Daughter, 11/26/08" had some interesting talking points related to the hit movie Twilight that carry over very well into the topics of this blog.

The article says:

1. It is not romantic, or safe, when a boy spies on you, follows you, and sneaks into your room without your knowledge (and especially without your parents’ knowledge).
2. It is not romantic, or safe, when someone tells you he’s dangerous and he’s killed people, to give answers like, “It doesn’t matter,” and, “I’m not afraid.” Again, I’ve worked with repentant murderers in prison. I know firsthand that redemption is possible for them. But that doesn’t mean that what they’ve done doesn’t matter.
3. It is not romantic, or safe, to try to see how close you and your boyfriend can get to the edge of danger without going over.
4. And it is not romantic, or safe, to offer yourself up for a boy to do whatever he wants to you—symbolized in the movie by the young heroine asking the vampire to bite her so she can become like him.

Talk to your daughter about romance. What does she consider romantic? What do you consider to be appropriate romance at her age? What conditions does she attach to various romantic pursuits? What is the difference between true love, lust, and infatuation? How can she protect her physical and emotional safety better?

Shun? or Support?

The Chicago Tribune has an advice column called "Ask Amy". One of the recent columns was titled "Aunts feud over teen's pregnancy", which discusses the reaction that two aunts are having to a 15-year old niece's pregnancy. Emotions and reactions are almost always very strong when a teen or college student becomes pregnant.

I love what Amy says, "You and your sisters have an opportunity to mentor your niece by demonstrating the steadfastness of a strong family." The world is full of people that will be judging your entire family. Now is the time to pull together, not tear each other apart. You will each need the support of family as you cope with your daughter's pregnancy. Your family may or may not have been strong in the past. Hopefully the crisis of your daughter's pregnancy will at the very least help your family learn about supporting each other and the strength of family. You do NOT have to approve of your daughter's sexual activity in order to support her where she's at -now-. Being pregnant is not a sin in and of itself - it is how God created the female body to function. Pregnancy is a natural consequence of sexual activity. If your daughter is not married, then that sexual activity was a sin but the baby is not sinful.

In the column, Amy also says, "If you don't believe in shunning, then don't shun her." Think about this for a minute. What were your thoughts about supporting or shunning people before you discovered your single daughter was pregnant? Are you treating your daughter differently than you would treat other pregnant young women? Is sexual activity somehow different than other sins in your mind? Did you shun people for sexual activity outside marriage before your daughter became pregnant? Amy's statement reminds me of the bumper sticker that says "If you don't believe in abortion, don't have one." The sentiment behind both is similar: act out your beliefs and convictions with consistency. Don't let the fear, anger, guilt, panic and other emotions of the crisis convince you to act in a way that you would not have previously acted. If you don't believe in shunning, then don't shun. Act in a way that is consistent with your beliefs. Bring your family together to support each other, not tear each other down.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Forgiving my daughter" and "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".