Driving home from school one afternoon my birthdaughter turned to her mother and said, “Mom, if Julie gets married, do you think she’ll have me in her wedding?” Her mom smiled and said, “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask her.” Her mom later shared the conversation with me and we had a good laugh. Joking about my single status, I said my birthdaughter shouldn’t hold her breath, to which her mother replied, “It will happen one day, Jewel.”
When I chose to place my daughter into the loving arms of her parents, I knew she was going to a wonderful family who could give her the life I knew she deserved. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was gaining the friendship and love that her parents have never failed to show me. They have so generously shared their daughter’s life with me through pictures and regular phone calls. They have treated me with respect, and have given me a great sense of peace about having placed my daughter for adoption. They have never perceived me as a threat to their family, but rather an extension of it.
Placing a child is an incredibly difficult sacrifice. The immediate pain of separation is significant. But when a woman is called to place for adoption, the process is nothing short of sacred. To choose a family and entrust them with the care of your child takes a tremendous amount of faith: faith in yourself that you have made the right decision for your child and yourself; faith that the family who has come into your life will treat their responsibility with the utmost reverence; and faith that the hurt will subside and will one day be replaced with joy.
Many women I’ve counseled during their unplanned pregnancies have told me they could never “give their baby away.” Their language choice is unfortunate, but I understand their feelings. To a woman carrying a child to term, the idea of adoption can seem anathematic, especially when it is not what they desire. Sadly, many women throughout history have been pressured to relinquish their children against their will, suffering an injustice no human being should ever experience.
But when a woman freely chooses adoption as the best option for her, it can be an extraordinarily positive, life-affirming decision. Adoption is not an act of abandonment; it’s not a form of rejection; and it’s certainly not for lack of love. It comes from love, a force unlike any other, and it is pure.
When I discovered I was pregnant, there was pressure to get an abortion and certain circumstances made parenting an unlikely option. Fortunately, I was raised in a family that viewed adoption positively. There was no stigma or shame in making an adoption plan, and without that reinforcement, I might not have made the choice I made. Although the path has been difficult, I wouldn’t change a thing about my decision. I could not have found better parents for my birthdaughter, and I learned a lot about life and love in the process. And, most importantly, I gained the joy of knowing that there’s a little girl in the world who occasionally drives around daydreaming about my wedding day.
--Julia
You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."
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