Thankfulness

As the parent of a pregnant teen or college student, you might have asked yourself "What on earth is there to be thankful for this year?" When you are in pain or in grief, positive thoughts are less likely to leap into your head. But put your brain power into this for a few minutes...brainstorm aspects of your daughter's pregnancy you CAN be thankful for. Use this list as a jumping off point:

1. Your daughter is still living, she has not died. You are not mourning her physical death. That is something to be thankful for!
   
2. If your daughter is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
3. If your grandchild, the baby your daughter is carrying, is in good health, that is something to be thankful for!
4. If your daughter is not currently be threatened or abused by the father of the baby, that is something to be thankful for!
5. If your daughter is researching her choices for this baby's life, that is something to be thankful for!
6. If your daughter has not been physically or emotionally damaged by a secret abortion, that is something to be thankful for!
   
7. What can you add to this list, if you brainstorm?
   

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where Will We Be in a Year?", "Where is God in All of This?", "Beauty from Ashes", and "Our Hope for the Next Five Years" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"

American Attitudes towards Infant Adoption

In the National Council for Adoption's Adoption Fact Book IV, the article "American Public Attitudes Toward Infant Adoption" By Richard B. Wirthlin reports on a 2006 poll with the following questions:

1. For an unmarried woman with an unplanned pregnancy, sometimes choosing adoption is what it means to be a good mother. If you had been asked to agree/disagree with this statement before you learned your daughter was pregnant, how would you have responded? Now that you know your daughter is pregnant, do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to other pregnant women (not your daughter)? Do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to your own pregnant daughter? The article reports that 61% of those polled agreed with the statement, 23% were neutral, and 16% disagreed.
2. For an unmarried woman with an unplanned pregnancy, adoption is generally not the best option. If you had been asked to agree/disagree with this statement before you learned your daughter was pregnant, how would you have responded? Now that you know your daughter is pregnant, do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to other pregnant women (not your daughter)? Do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to your own pregnant daughter? The article reports that 16% agreed with this statement, 34% were neutral, and 50% disagreed.
3. For the child of an unmarried woman with an unplanned pregnancy, adoption is generally a positive option. If you had been asked to agree/disagree with this statement before you learned your daughter was pregnant, how would you have responded? Now that you know your daughter is pregnant, do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to other pregnant women (not your daughter)? Do you agree/disagree with this statement in regards to your own pregnant daughter? The article reports that 51% agreed with this statement, 30% were neutral, and 19% disagreed.

The poll also asked "If you felt you had a realistic opportunity to adopt an infant domestically, would you attempt to do so?" 32% of those surveyed indicated they would attempt to adopt, given a realistic opportunity. "With 55 million married-couple households in the United States, this percentage extrapolates to 16 million married couples who say they would attempt to adopt an infant domestically... Adjust that figure for the number of married couples who are of appropriate parenting age and there are at least 10 million couples who would likely attempt to adopt an infant domestically if they felt they had a realistic opportunity to do so." Compare these numbers to the less than 23,000 infant domestic adoptions that occur each year, and over 1 million abortions each year.



You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Birthmother's story

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

I chose adoption because, while I loved my daughter with all of my heart, I felt she deserved a better life than I could offer her. I was only a freshman in college when I became pregnant, and my relationship with the birthfather was not good. When I told him I was pregnant, he pressured me into getting an abortion. When I said I wanted to make an adoption plan, he threatened me by saying he wouldn't sign the papers. Although he ultimately agreed to place our daughter for adoption, his resistance in the beginning was significant. I knew that any man who would try as hard as he did to end my daughter's life didn't deserve to be a part of it.

In spite of his opposition, I continued the pregnancy. I had to leave school for two semesters, though I later returned. It was an extremely challenging time, but as my daughter grew inside of me, I knew I had made the right decision.

As I researched homes in which to place my daughter, I felt a tremendous sense of empowerment. I knew that the "perfect family" didn't exist, but there were some wonderfully committed couples who would do their best to raise my daughter in a loving environment, one in which she would flourish.

I was giving my daughter a chance in life, and as her birthmother, that was the greatest gift I could give.

======================

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Adoptive families are looking for...

Sometimes pregnant women think "no one would want to adopt my baby because ______." According to the National Council for Adoption's 2002 Adoption Fact Book IV, the article titled "Adoption and Demand to Adopt by Women: 2002 National Survey of Family Growth; By Jo Jones, Ph.D." reports that:

• 89% of women currently seeking to adopt would prefer or accept a mildly disabled child.
• 79% of women currently seeking to adopt would prefer or accept a child aged 2-5 years old.
• 75% of women currently seeking to adopt would prefer or accept two or more siblings.
• 84% of white women currently seeking to adopt would prefer or accept a black child, and 95% would prefer or accept a child of a race other than black or white.
• 75% of black women currently seeking to adopt would prefer or accept a white child, and 93% would prefer or accept a child of a race other than black or white.

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You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Rita, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

Rita's story: In most situations, a woman carrying a child does not have to grapple with the decision of adoption. In most situations, a child is born into a family ready and prepared to raise the child. And in most situations, from the time the child is a newborn, parents make difficult decisions and tremendous sacrifices out of love for their children every day.

In my situation, the decision to make an adoption plan for my child was no less an act of sacrificial love. The decision came from that same desire to give my child the very best that I could, to ensure her well-being, to give her both a mother and a father, and a chance for a good future in an uncertain world. My decision was both an act of love and an act of hope; because in my situation, the best for her meant separation from me.

Parents have a duty and obligation to raise the children entrusted to them in the best way possible. And my decision to place came from the deep and powerful understanding of the awesomeness of my duty and responsibility. I did not reject her. I did not “get rid” of her. And I did not “give her up.” Rather, I lovingly created a family for her so that she could have the security, permanency, and stability that I could not guarantee.

I placed my daughter for adoption because I refused to have her grow up in the circumstances in which I was living, circumstances that I could not change at the time. Authentic parenthood requires a heroic, selfless love. I loved my daughter, I love her still, and that is why I chose adoption.

--Rita

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You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Overview of Adoptions in 2002

The National Council for Adoption publishes an Adoption Fact Book from time to time, which can be ordered in print or accessed electronically as a PDF file. In the current edition (Adoption Fact Book IV), there are these statistics based on data available in 2002:

• As compared to 1996, the number of domestic adoptions has increased.
• In 2002, more domestic adoptions were adoptions of children who are not relatives than adoption of children that are relatives.
• Domestic adoption of unrelated *infants* has decreased.
• Births to unmarried women increased from 1996, while the rate of infant adoption placements by unmarried women decreased.
• In 2002 there were 22,291 adoptions of infants that were not relatives.
• In 2002 there were 326 abortions for every 1000 live births and only 17 adoptions for every 1000 abortions. There were 16.3 adoptions for every 1000 live births to unmarried women.
  

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Janelle, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

I had just turned 18 when I found out I was pregnant. Although I was young and it was unexpected, I felt an unbelievable amount of love for my unborn child. My parents pushed for adoption, especially since I was adopted myself, but I dismissed the idea because of the overwhelming connection I felt with the child inside of me. I made the decision to parent my child, even though I knew that the father wasn’t going to stick around.

In July of 1996, my son was born. He was everything I had envisioned him to be. He was my pride and joy. Then reality set in: I was responsible for giving this little human being the best life possible, and I had to do this as a single parent. I started to think about all of the things I had growing up with two parents – things he would not have. I wanted to go to college and better myself for him, but that would mean limiting the activities that he could participate in as well as limiting our time together. To raise him by myself meant that he would not have a dad to show up at his Little League game to watch him and cheer him on. All of these thoughts made me cry daily.

One day, when my son was about three months old, I broke down in front of him. He looked up at me and just smiled and giggled out loud. I will never forget that little face smiling up at me. I knew then and there that he deserved a better life. He deserved the life that my biological mother so selflessly gave me when she placed me for adoption.

Now, more than ten years later, I look back and smile at all of the happy memories that I hold. I think of the indescribable joy on the faces of his adoptive parents when they realized they finally had a child. I hold close to my heart the pictures and stories they have shared with me over the years. I remember, most of all, the unsurpassable amount of love that I felt for my son – a love I still feel – that led me to choose adoption.

--Janelle

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Summary of State Adoption Laws

Click for a summary of state adoption laws compiled by the Infant Adoption Awareness Training Project in an effort to provide useful information. These brief summaries include answers to the following questions:

1. Who may adopt?
2. Who may place a child for adoption?
3. Is birthparent counseling required?
4. May birthparents receive assistance with expenses?
5. How are putative father rights addressed?
6. When may the birthparent(s) relinquish custody and consent to adoption?
7. How much time does a birthparent have to change his or her mind after consenting to the termination of parental rights?



You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Julia Thornton, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

Driving home from school one afternoon my birthdaughter turned to her mother and said, “Mom, if Julie gets married, do you think she’ll have me in her wedding?” Her mom smiled and said, “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask her.” Her mom later shared the conversation with me and we had a good laugh. Joking about my single status, I said my birthdaughter shouldn’t hold her breath, to which her mother replied, “It will happen one day, Jewel.”

When I chose to place my daughter into the loving arms of her parents, I knew she was going to a wonderful family who could give her the life I knew she deserved. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was gaining the friendship and love that her parents have never failed to show me. They have so generously shared their daughter’s life with me through pictures and regular phone calls. They have treated me with respect, and have given me a great sense of peace about having placed my daughter for adoption. They have never perceived me as a threat to their family, but rather an extension of it.

Placing a child is an incredibly difficult sacrifice. The immediate pain of separation is significant. But when a woman is called to place for adoption, the process is nothing short of sacred. To choose a family and entrust them with the care of your child takes a tremendous amount of faith: faith in yourself that you have made the right decision for your child and yourself; faith that the family who has come into your life will treat their responsibility with the utmost reverence; and faith that the hurt will subside and will one day be replaced with joy.

Many women I’ve counseled during their unplanned pregnancies have told me they could never “give their baby away.” Their language choice is unfortunate, but I understand their feelings. To a woman carrying a child to term, the idea of adoption can seem anathematic, especially when it is not what they desire. Sadly, many women throughout history have been pressured to relinquish their children against their will, suffering an injustice no human being should ever experience.

But when a woman freely chooses adoption as the best option for her, it can be an extraordinarily positive, life-affirming decision. Adoption is not an act of abandonment; it’s not a form of rejection; and it’s certainly not for lack of love. It comes from love, a force unlike any other, and it is pure.

When I discovered I was pregnant, there was pressure to get an abortion and certain circumstances made parenting an unlikely option. Fortunately, I was raised in a family that viewed adoption positively. There was no stigma or shame in making an adoption plan, and without that reinforcement, I might not have made the choice I made. Although the path has been difficult, I wouldn’t change a thing about my decision. I could not have found better parents for my birthdaughter, and I learned a lot about life and love in the process. And, most importantly, I gained the joy of knowing that there’s a little girl in the world who occasionally drives around daydreaming about my wedding day.

--Julia

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Eight Myths About Adoption

Bethany.org has a short article that briefly talks about eight myths about adoption:

Myth: If I loved my child, I would never consider adoption.
If you consider adoption, you may think it means you are uncaring, selfish, or don't love your child. Maybe you're afraid that other people will judge you. Mothers who explore all of their options and those who make adoption plans have the courage to put their child's needs first and to consider what plan (parenting or adoption) best meets their needs.

Myth: No one could love my child like I can.
Good parenting is a matter of unconditional love, acceptance, and the consistent nurturing that puts the needs of the child first. Adoptive parents love their children as much as if they had given birth to them. Because you can choose and meet the adoptive family for your child, you can see firsthand how much they love your child.

Myth: People will think that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions.
You may think that choosing to parent is the responsible thing to do or the consequence for your unplanned pregnancy. If you're not sure that you are ready to parent, finding out what your options are and considering an adoption plan is being a responsible parent.

Myth: People think I should just move on and forget about my child.
If you make an adoption plan, you will not forget your child and you wouldn't want to. Your experience with your child becomes a part of who you are, whether you have an open adoption or not.

Myth: I will never know how my child is doing or that I made a good decision.
If you choose adoption, you may think that you'll never know how your child is or that you made the best decision that you could at that time in your life. Today's adoption offers a range of openness options so that you and the family you select build the type of relationship that you want.

Myth: I'll never get over the pain of giving up my child.
You may be frightened by the prospect of the intense sadness that comes with choosing adoption. The loss and grief cannot be denied. The reality is that adoption is full of both loss and possibility. You will never forget your child but, with time and knowing that your child is growing and thriving, your heart will heal.

Myth: A child doesn't really need a father.
Studies show that children benefit from having positive, nurturing parents who can provide both positive male and female role models. Relationships, self-esteem, and achievement can all be positively affected when a child is able to grow up in a loving home where both parents contribute to the child's development.

Myth: Adopted kids have more emotional problems than kids who aren't adopted.
Perhaps you've heard that adopted children have serious problems with drugs, alcohol, personal relationships, and mental illness-beliefs that are not supported by the research. Adopted kids may have additional issues related to identity to work through but, like other kids, most of them handle adolescence successfully, without serious problems.

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You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Jessica O’Connor-Petts, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

In the summer of 1996, shortly after graduating from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, I went to Atlanta to work at the Summer Olympic Games. In August, I became pregnant. The birthfather and I were not in a serious relationship, and I did not feel we would develop one. I faced two choices: becoming a single parent, or placing my child for adoption.

My first real challenge was telling my parents. I knew that they would be disappointed, but I also knew that I needed their love and support. Upon returning home to Charlotte, I began researching the adoption option through the local chapter of a national faith-based adoption agency. I wanted to have something constructive and positive to offer my parents along with the shocking news.

My parents had raised me to feel a strong sense of personal responsibility, coupled with strength and resilience. To me, adoption had always seemed a natural solution to an unplanned pregnancy, if birthparents were not ready, for whatever reason, to become parents. When I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents that I was pregnant, they were indeed upset, but they also made clear their unconditional love and support for me and for my choice, whether I decided to parent or to place my child for adoption.

Before graduating from college, I had planned to move to Washington, D.C., where I could pursue an interest in public policy and also continue rowing competitively. I saw no reason to change these plans, so I continued my job search and moved to D.C. in October 1996 after accepting a position with a nonprofit organization.

Other young people I met in the city did not know I was pregnant, and it wasn’t something I wanted to share with them. Later they told me they just thought I was a very quiet stay-at-home, since I constantly went to bed early or turned down opportunities to go out at night. It was in many ways a lonely period, despite frequent phone calls to my parents and close friends, but I did feel a sense of peace, knowing that I was taking care of myself and my child and doing the right thing.

My new job meant that I had insurance to cover my prenatal care; however, the combined pressure of starting a new position and not being able to tell my employer that I was pregnant was very stressful, particularly as I was arriving late every morning due to morning sickness. With each month that passed I struggled to hide the physical evidence of pregnancy, wondering when would be the right time to inform my boss, and worrying about what the response would be. Eventually I wrote a letter, informing my employers of my pregnancy and my intent to place my child for adoption. To my relief, they were more than supportive. They also confirmed that I was entitled to the same maternity leave as a woman who planned to parent.

Another worry I had was whether a medical provider would treat me differently, knowing my adoption plan. However, I worked with a fantastic group of midwives who were a crucial part of my support network and became my friends during pregnancy. I developed a birthing plan, which included keeping my child with me for several days after the birth, allowing me to breastfeed my child while giving me and my family a chance to know him or her before we parted. My adoption counselor fully supported me in this plan, despite any doubts she had over whether I would go through with the adoption, because it was an important part of my decision-making process; she knew that if I felt options were being closed to me, I would not feel empowered, and would not feel at peace with my ultimate decision.

Over the fall and winter months I worked with my adoption counselor to make sure I had thought through my decision carefully. She asked me to develop a parenting plan, just in case I changed my mind. I was at first reluctant to do so, not wishing to be dissuaded from my adoption plan, but this proved to be a valuable exercise. As I researched child care, transportation, costs of living, etc. and developed a budget, I saw that I could afford to parent. I was not being pushed financially into placing my child for adoption. However, I also saw how tight that budget would have been; there would have been nothing left over for piano lessons, swimming lessons, vacations, or many of the other valuable experiences which I had growing up and which I wanted my child to have. Most importantly, there would not have been a father truly present in the day-to-day life of my child, and my child would not have the chance to witness a loving adult relationship.

My parents also offered me a third option, letting me know that they could care for my child while I pursued a career, helping me to provide him or her with a loving family. I knew that their offer to take on a parenting role at a time in their life when they had already raised two children was a generous one, which comes only from true love. However, they also understood my concerns about what would happen when I eventually met and married someone, and what that would mean for continuity in the life of my child.

My birthson was born on May 15, 1997. My mother came to D.C. for the birth, and we subsequently traveled to Charlotte, where I spent the next two weeks with my parents, my little sister, and my birthson. This time was special to all of us because we were able to take him out to meet family and friends, and to acknowledge and celebrate him. When he was two weeks old I went back to work in D.C. and my mother came with me, caring for him during the day and bringing him to my office at lunchtimes.

The adoption placement ceremony took place when my birthson was four weeks old. I remember crying during the ride to the ceremony in the back seat of my parents’ car, and I remember my parents’ anguish at seeing my pain. I also remember the smiles on everyone’s faces as we watched him sleep peacefully in his new mother’s arms.

During the days and weeks that followed I experienced peace, punctuated by periods of intense pain. I missed my birthson’s smell and his little toenails scratching me in bed and his wide-eyed expressions. I felt guilty for having deprived my parents of their first grandchild, even though I knew they fully supported my adoption decision. I also struggled with depression later on when I was confronted with the sense that my activities and pursuits, which had seemed so valuable to me before I became pregnant, now paled in comparison with the joy and satisfaction of raising a child. I would see other young mothers with children the same age as mine and wonder what my life would be like in their shoes.

But as the years have passed and my life has followed its own full course, my family’s relationship with my birthson and his family has blossomed, and my confidence that I made the right choice has never wavered. When I speak with him and hear the excitement in his voice as he relays his latest accomplishments in swimming, or Odyssey of the Mind, or county choral society auditions, I know that he has a wonderful life. When I speak with his parents and hear the warmth and honesty of friendship in their voices as they describe their summer family vacation, I am grateful to have found such perfect parents for my birthson. When I see him and his little sister, also adopted, bounding around together in their living room while their parents watch amused, I am reminded of the joy that is adoption.

When I married in 2003, my birthson was our ringbearer, his little sister our flowergirl, and both his parents were presenters. My husband and I are now expecting a baby, and my 10-year-old birthson and his family are sharing our joy and looking forward to welcoming another child into this growing family.

Adoption has enabled me to provide a wonderful life for my son while giving me the opportunities to pursue my own aspirations, and I will always feel that my own life has been made richer through choosing adoption.
--Jessica

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Your Adoption Rights

Bethany.org, one of many adoption agencies, lists these Rights of Expectant Parents

In the past, many expectant parents have not chosen adoption because they have little control or influence on what the future will hold for their child. In today's adoptions, an expectant parent plays the central role in deciding on what type of an adoption plan is best for her and her child while being cared for throughout the adoption planning process. As an expectant parent considering an adoption plan, you have the right to:

1. Be treated with dignity and respect, not judgment or criticism.
2. Explore all of your options in a non-directive, non-coercive environment, including parenting and all levels of openness in adoption.
3. Be fully informed about your legal rights during the decision-making stage.
4. Choose the prospective adoptive family if this is what you want to do. (Almost all, if not all, states allow this).
5. Develop an adoption plan with your social worker and the adoptive family.
6. Spend time in the hospital with your baby.
7. Make the decision about adoption after the birth of the baby. Planning for adoption does not make it a definite decision and an adoption plan does not become definite until you sign legal papers releasing your rights.
8. Sign relinquishment (consent or release) papers when you are ready.
9. Have your questions answered honestly and completely, at any stage.
10. Have your relationship with your child acknowledged and your grief and loss recognized.
11. Change agencies or attorneys if you feel that your rights are not being respected.
12. Receive post -placement support.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Courtney Lewis, birthmother

This is a true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council for Adoption.

Finding out I was pregnant my senior year of high school was devastating. I did not want to believe it – it took three positive pregnancy tests to convince me that I was really pregnant. I had planned to go away to college in the fall, and I knew that having a baby would change everything.

First I told my boyfriend. He became very distant and cold. He asked whose child it was, and who else I had been with. It was obvious to me that he was not going to allow himself to believe that I was pregnant with his child. It was then that I realized we were no longer a couple, and he was not going to be a part of our child’s life.

Without the support of my baby’s father, and knowing that my divorced parents were not in a position to help me, I considered my options. I thought parenting my child would mean I had to throw away my dreams of going to college, and felt I was in no position to provide the kind of family and stability my child would need.

I considered abortion, because I thought it would allow me to continue on with my life as I had planned. I also considered adoption. Then I had a scary fall down a flight of stairs when I was just six weeks along, and my doctor conducted an ultrasound to find out if the baby had been affected by the fall. The monitor showed a blinking light, the baby’s heartbeat. It was then that my thoughts were transformed from “I’m pregnant” to “I’m carrying a child.” The heartbeat made it clear to me, this was life. At that moment, I made my decision to choose life – for myself and for my child. At that moment, I chose adoption.

Being seventeen and pregnant was hard. Four months into my pregnancy my mother remarried, unbeknownst to me and my siblings, and shortly after, she moved across the country to be with her new husband. I still felt that I needed her help, and she was gone. I had no idea what to expect in a pregnancy, how to care for myself and my child, and I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I moved in with my father, who became my rock, supporting me emotionally, helping me reason through difficult decisions, showing me unconditional love.

Going out in public was difficult. The common opinion of pregnant teenagers is not always forgiving. I began attending counseling sessions, both one-on-one and in a support group. Additionally, I had my dad and my younger siblings around, who allowed me to cry and laugh, pulling me through the hard times and praising me for the choice I had made. Without them, I may not have been able to plan for the adoption, and for my life afterwards without my son.
I began my search for the perfect couple to raise my son. Certain criteria were very important to me, certain things I felt were necessary of the adoptive parents. These criteria focused my intentions and helped me to identify an amazing couple. Shortly after reading their “Dear birthmother” letter, I contacted the adoption lawyers to let them know I had found the right couple. It was important for me to build a relationship with the adoptive parents, so that I could gain trust and appreciation for them. I was able to meet them for dinner, where I learned more about them and determined that yes, this was the couple I wanted to raise my son. We continued to talk on the phone throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, and I updated them on the health of the baby and learned more about how they planned to raise him.

At last the day came when I gave birth to my son, and his adoptive parents met me at the hospital. It was a very emotional time for all of us. They were beginning their life as a family, and I began my life as a birthmother.

I said good-bye to them, and to my son, but not for long – my first visit to their home was when my son was six months old, and I returned for another visit a year later. Since then there have been many visits. We keep in touch by letter, email, and phone. I am so grateful to know that he is in good hands and has a life that is so near what I wanted to give him, but couldn’t at the time.
Since the adoption, life has been true to course – with ups and downs. My son and his parents welcomed another son into their family, also through adoption. I was able to obtain my college degree, a career I love, and a life path of which I am proud.

Nothing is easy when you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. A lot of difficult decisions have to be made, no matter which option you choose. But adoption gave me a voice, and showed me that while I may have been too young and inexperienced to parent my child, I was mature enough to make some tough but rewarding decisions regarding his life and his future. I am so grateful for my son, for his parents, and for the lives we all have today.
--Courtney

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Adoption Interest Inventory by Mech

Please answer "Agree" or "Disagree" to the following statements:

1. I would be interested in meeting with other girls who are pregnant to discuss how to make decisions about resolving my pregnancy.
2. I would be interested in talking with other girls who have chosen adoption for their child.
3. I might consider adoption if I thought it would help me finish school and get a job that I wanted.
4. I might consider adoption if I though my child would have a better chance in life with another family.
5. I would be interested in talking to a family who had adopted a child.
6. I would be interested in talking to someone who was adopted.
7. If I could meet the prospective adoptive parents, I might consider adoption for my child.
8. I might consider adoption if I could have a part in choosing the adoptive family.
9. I might consider adoption only if I could see my child once in a while.
10. I might consider an adoption plan only if I could have information (pictures, progress report) of my child growing up and knew everything was alright.
11. I might consider adoption if I thought that in the long run it would help me reach my own vocational and career goals.
12. I might consider adoption if I was sure that the adoptive family would give my child love, security and a good home.
13. I might consider adoption if I knew it fulfilled my responsibility to the child and I could move on with my life.
14. I am considering adoption.

(Adoption Interest Inventory courtesy of the National Council For Adoption.)

If you answered "Agree" with several of the questions above, take the time to do some more research on adoption. Talk to several different people while you research. For example, talk to a peer counselor at a pregnancy resource center which is not affiliated with an adoption agency - they have no vested interest in your adoption choice. Also talk to an adoption lawyer and several adoption agencies - keeping in mind that they have a vested interest in your adoption choice, it is how they make a living.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

The Blessing of Adoption

This miracle of God's grace was shared by the adoptive mother, called Caitlin*, and the baby's birthgrandmother, Gene*, at the Assist Pregnancy Center Fellowship Dinner in September, 2000.

*=Names have been changed but the story is true.

September 20, 1997
Gene: A phone call after midnight? Is someone hurt or dead? Our friend says his daughter told him Lisa* (our daughter) is pregnant and she plans to get an abortion in the morning. This must be a nightmare...

Caitlin: I can't believe how God has blessed us. Mary*, our daughter, is growing into such a beautiful child. Two years ago, I feared we would not have children. Now, when I look at here, I dream of adding to our family...Will God bless us with a second miracle?

September 21, 1997
Gene: A dear friend from church is a Crisis Pregnancy Center counselor and she met with Lisa this morning. Afterwards, Lisa agreed that abortion was not an option. She was so scared she simply fell into the choice and saw it as the only way out. Our friend offered hope for what was ahead. But how can my baby be having a baby?

September 25, 1997
Gene: Our special friend at Assist met with Lisa and me today. She listened to our dilemma with such compassion and understanding. She helped us see that we were not alone in this awful situation and that God is still in control. Assist has so many ways to help and comfort ... from prenatal classes and support groups to baby clothes and equipment. Lisa will meet with a counselor regularly for a while. They may even put me in touch with other parents who have faced this. But how will our family survive this?

January, 1998
Caitlin: We decided to begin our search for another child. But where do we start?

Gene: Lisa's pregnancy is in the 5th month. It feels like 5 years. So many "foggy" days, filled with emotional turmoil. Assist has continued to work with us, offering love and support. Helping us think through the choice before us: Should Lisa choose to parent or to make an adoption plan for her baby? Assist gave us a workbook that we completed together. It forced us to talk through how we would support Lisa if she chose to parent. What does that cost? How would she earn money? Who would care for the baby while she worked or continued to study? We kept asking God to reveal His plan. We try to learn how others have responded to these circumstances. Oh, Lord, why did this happen to our family?

February, 1998
Caitlin: In February we felt a strong leading that God had a child for our family, but where was he? We spoke with a number of adoption agencies and sent out some pictures of our family to an adoption attorney, but we still had no clear direction.

Gene: Lisa keeps changing her mind. One day she thinks she will parent, the next day she wants to look at profiles of couples seeking to adopt. She insists that she will place only if she can have an open adoption and continuing relationship with the baby and family. This kind of arrangement is growing more common, say the counselors. I am losing hope after looking at profiles from more than 100 families. The due date is only 8 weeks away. Lord, what do you want us to do? Is there a couple who would want to share their lives with us this way?

Caitlin: We met with some wonderful people who assist couples to adopt orphans from Russia. The pictures were amazing, the children are so beautiful. Who do we pick? How do we find the child that God has selected for us? With these difficult decisions before us, Bill fasts and prays over the weekend, seeking a clear signal of God's will. If we receive no clear signal we have decided to commit to adopt a Russian orphan.

March, 1998
Gene: We met with a Christian attorney today to talk about legal implications of Lisa choosing to parent. What rights will the father have and what child support can she expect? As we ended the meeting, the attorney gestured to a stack of profiles, sent to her by people who are seeking children to adopt. The photo on top caught Lisa's eye and she noted the name of the family. Where will this lead us? Was that a "divine appointment," Lord?

Caitlin: March 16. I received a phone call. It looks like God has answered our prayers with a clear signal. The girl on the other end asked how I would like a brother for Mary. She saw a picture of Mary yesterday and fell in love with her. We will meet her and her family.

Gene: I am rejoicing, Lord! We met the most wonderful couple tonight. They visited us with their adorable 2-year-old daughter. It could only be described as love at first sight! They love the Lord and love children. Caitlin worked as a labor and delivery nurse before they had Mary. Lisa really likes this fine young couple. They seem willing to consider our desire for an open adoption and ongoing relationship. We feel like the Lord confirmed this family immediately as we are all in agreement.

Caitlin: Another miracle appears to be in the works. Lisa is a wonderful and beautiful girl. She is seeking the best for the child she is carrying and the thought that that may mean that we be his parents fills us with awe. How can we be worthy of such a blessing?

September, 2000
Nearly three years later, it still overwhelms me when I pause to think about it. This beautiful child before you is a miracle on so many levels.

Gene: Dear Lord, I can't believe it has been three years since we first learned of the pregnancy. How You have redeemed this painful situation and blessed all of us! Our grandson's adoptive parents have adopted our whole family! Our kids and their kids get along so well. Lisa visits and baby-sits for them when she is home from college and talks often with Caitlin by phone. Sometimes it seems like they are sisters. I still can hardly believe the amazing way You demonstrate Your love for us, Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of life.

---------------------
November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Adoption Terminology

Words not only convey facts they also evoke feelings. For example, when a TV or movie talks about a 'custody battle' between 'real parents' and 'other parents' this reinforces the inaccurate notion that only birth parents are real parents and that adoptive parents aren’t real parents. Members of society may also wrongly conclude that all adoptions are 'battles.'

Accurate adoption language can stop the spread of misconceptions such as these. By using accurate language, we educate others about adoption. We choose emotionally ‘correct’ words over emotionally-laden words. We speak and write in appropriate adoption language with the hopes of influencing others so that this language will someday be the norm.

Accurate Language	Inaccurate Language
Birthparent	Real parent, natural parent
My child	Adopted child; Own child
Choosing an adoption plan	Giving away, Giving up your child
Finding a family to parent your child	Putting your child up for adoption
Deciding to parent the child	Keeping your baby
Person / Individual who was adopted	Adoptee
To parent	To keep
Child in need of a family	Adoptable child; Available child
Parent	Adoptive parent
International or intercountry adoption	Foreign adoption
Child who has special needs	Handicapped child, hard to place
Child from another country	Foreign child
Was adopted	Is adopted
Birthrelative	Blood relative

(Courtesy of the National Council for Adoption)

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Adopted Three Times

This is Toni's story:

My mother, Rosalia, found herself single and pregnant at the age of 34. Post World War II Germany was a hostile place for a single, pregnant woman. Rosalia gave birth to me and later married a man who adopted me to give me his last name. Rosalia died before I was three years old and there is no information on why or when I became a ward of Catholic Charities and was placed in an orphanage.

At five and a half years of age, I was adopted by American parents, sight unseen. I arrived in the U.S. speaking not a word of English. My name was changed by my adopted parents, who had a son who was six years old.

Although I was not brought up in a Christian home, I did have a very religious background, having gone to a parochial school for 13 years. I had a strong belief in God. I knew He answered prayer, but I didn't have a personal relationship with Jesus. I wanted more than anything to be good and pleasing. I wanted God to approve of me. In my early 20s, I really started having serious doubts about religion, for nothing seemed consistent and true.

In 1971 I married Jack, a man I thought I had met purely by chance. I know now that God had chosen him for me and me for him. In 1973 we lost our first baby boy when I was six months pregnant. He lived only 12 hours. The grief was overwhelming then. Now I am comforted in knowing we will meet Ian again in Heaven.

After two beautiful, miracle children and 14 years of marriage, Jack and I separated. The five previous years of our marriage had been spent in serious trouble. We had drifted further and further apart. I decided that nothing could repair all the damage we had done to each other, so I moved with the children to start a new life.

During our separation, Jack came to the end of himself. By God's divine plan, he heard the gospel on Christian TV and gave his heart to the Lord. He started reading the Bible and claiming God's promises. The circumstances really looked dismal for any reconciliation between us, but Jack trusted God to bring us back together. And God did bring me back with the children one year later. It took time for me to trust this remarkable conversion as well as regain trust in our marriage relationship. But when I saw what God had done in Jack's life and how he had changed, I wanted to have the same experience. I committed my heart to Jesus in 1987. The Lord became my heavenly Father and I was "adopted" for the third time. I was now a child of God. After working for most of marriage, we decided that it would honor God if I "retired" from my career in the government and devoted myself to building our family. We all grew spiritually and we were able to pay off our huge debts.

During the summer of 1990, I started praying for God's direction in my life. Since I was the child of a crisis pregnancy, I wondered what I could do in the pro-life movement. I was moved by what I heard about CPC ministries at church. When I saw an announcement of a CPC volunteer training, I planned to attend.

I praise God for bringing me to Himself and for allowing me to be part of the ministry at Assist CPC. Counselling has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but the reward is knowing that in some small way, God has used me in the lives of the women to bring about life and not death, and to give them the opportunity to be adopted into the family of God.
--Toni

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

A Letter to My Son's Parents

A Letter to My Son's Parents
By Thomas' Mother

The beach - my favorite place! I am here on vacation, sitting on the sand thinking about myself and my summer as I watch the waves come in. This has not been a usual spring or summer for me by any means!

This is one of the hardest letters I will ever have to write but I guess by the ocean is just as good a place as any to write. Especially a letter with feelings such as this which has always been hard for me to put down on paper.

I am fifteen years old. I love sports, especially football. I love music and play the piano and clarinet. I am an "A" or "B" student, was a student government officer and a head cheerleader. I guess one of the reasons I like football so much is because I have been a cheerleader for eight years. I plan to go to college and hope to enter the medical field to be a doctor. As you can see I love people and being with them.

There are many great things I want from life and many things I want for my son. My son came into this world through a relationship with a boy that I cared for very deeply. My son's father and I are the same age and went to the same school. He was co-captain of our football team and a star wrestler. He also plays golf and runs track and has won awards in both.

Today's teenage society is very different from that of my parents some twenty years ago. My son "just happened" and I want much more for him than I can give him at this time in my life. He deserves a chance for the very best that life can offer and the family life I have enjoyed so much.

Being fifteen and single doesn't eliminate the feelings of love and caring that one has for their children. I have given a lot of thought to what it would be like to try to raise my son with my family and try to finish school.

It just wouldn't be fair to my son or to me. Yet I know I will always wonder if he is all right and what he is doing. I want you to know I am very proud of my son and not ashamed of him. I feel with your love and family and because you want him so badly, you will do many of the things with him that I have enjoyed with my family such as camping, fishing, family reunions, sporting events, etc.

Loving a baby is essential and placing my son with parents who love him and want him is my way of making a mistake into something good. This is a decision I can live with better than abortion or trying to be a good parent at fifteen. I thought of adoption from the time I accepted the fact I was pregnant. I don't think I could have lived with myself if I took away a life when I knew somebody out in the world wanted a child but couldn't have one.

It was and still is very hard for me to give him up after carrying him for nine months. I held him, cuddled him, played and "talked" with him several times in the hospital. I wish I could have somehow explained things to those deep, searching blue eyes, and have him understand. Life must go on and I want more for him than shattered pieces of life like pieces of shells torn and strewn on the beach. I would like him to be as whole and complete as possible.

I named my son Thomas because he just looked like a "Tom" from the first time I saw him. I only gave him one name in case you choose to add a name that the two of you have selected or you might choose to change it completely. With your permission, I would like to know what his name will be. I'd appreciate receiving a picture of him from time to time and any information you would like to send. I just want to know he's all right and what the combination of his father and I look like. Should Thomas ever need me for medical reasons such as a kidney donor, please make every possible effort to contact me.

I would possibly like to send something special just from me. I hope from the very beginning you will tell Thomas he is adopted and a chosen child so he can grow up with that idea. I know a child, now eight years old whose parents have never told him he is adopted and each day it grows harder to tell him. I feel Thomas should always know because "normal" adolescence is hard enough without parents dropping a bomb on him.

They say time heals all wounds. I hope with time and your reassurance that he is doing fine, I can feel totally content with my decision. I want to reassure you that I won't ever try to walk into your lives now that you are a family unless you need me. My time with Tom is gone and yours is just beginning. I have made peace with myself that you two are Tom's parents now.

Next week when you come to pick up Thomas and I'll be returning to school, my thoughts and hope will be with you and your new family. I wish you all the luck and happiness that life can offer. Today with the ocean waves, Tom is in my thoughts as he always will be. From time to time I shall return to the ocean and the gulls to think of this summer and Thomas. The pain will fade as each wave does but Thomas will happily live on.

My very best wishes go with Tom.
--Thomas's Mother

November is National Adoption Month, so this blog will feature adoption throughout the month.

Study: Link between TV sex and teen pregnancy

CNN recently had a video segment about a new study that shows teens (age 12-17) who watch sex on TV are twice as likely to be involved in a pregnancy.


One of the guest commentators is Lisa Boesky, author of "When to Worry: How to Tell If Your Teen Needs Help-And What to Do About It" which covers mood swings, rebellion and defiance, school difficulties, teen depression, ADHD, alcohol and drug use, self-injury ("cutting"), low self-esteem, delinquency, learning disabilities, out of control teens, worries/fears and stress, eating disorders, aggression, bipolar disorder, aspergers, teen suicide, and trauma.

The other commentator says that parents who are negligent are more likely to let their kids watch inappropriate TV and also more likely to not be supervising their kids in order to help them stay out of trouble.



What do you think of the viewpoints expressed in this video?

The video segment host mentions a few particular shows he thinks that teens would be better off not watching: "Sex and the City", "Gossip Girl", "Desparate Housewives". A commentator mentions some other shows: "Rock of Love", "Flavor of Love", "I Love New York", "Tila Tequila". Either way, make an effort to watch the shows your teen is watching. Discuss the situations, language, clothing, etc. seen in the show.