Talking with your teens

Need help with talking with your teens about various tougher topics?

The Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health has a series of nine modules that you can download for free.  There is a parent booklet for each (in English and Spanish), and a teen booklet for two of the topics.

Families Talking Together - Parent Materials

Latino English Version
The Basics: What Parents Need to Know
Module 1: Linking Lives: Parenting Your Teens
Module 2: Your Teen's World
Module 3: How to Help Your Teen Grow Up
Module 4: Talking the Talk
Module 5: Can We Get Along?
Module 6: You Gotta Have Friends
Module 7: Self-Esteem and Your Teen
Module 8: Helping Your Teen Say "No" to Sex
Module 9: Should I Talk to My Teen about Birth Control and Protection?

Real Stories: Ashley Watts

Ashley Watts got pregnant during her freshman year in college.  "She had never wanted or planned to be a mother that early in life. She wasn’t ready for a child. However, she refused to do what everyone thought she would do; she refused to give up. Now, 24-year-old Watts is pursing her Master’s degree in criminal justice at the University of Alabama and is the proud mother of a 4-year-old."

Ashley notes that being a parent and a student is very difficult.  Some of the difficulties your pregnant daughter may face as a student and a parent include the feeling of isolation, and the recognition that her classmates have a very different lifestyle with less responsibility.

“One of the most common misconceptions I have faced is that everyone thought that once I became pregnant that I would just pack my bags and head back home,” Watts said. “They all thought I would just give up school, or take my daughter home to father to let him raise her. But that was never an option for me.”

Watts said her life is often overwhelming, but she continues to push through for her daughter.

“My daughter will know that no matter what life may throw at her, she can still come out on top,” Watts said. “Getting pregnant young does not have to be an ‘end of my life’ scenario. It is exactly what you make it, and I chose to rise above and be more than just another statistic.”

The University of Alabama has support for parents who are undergraduates and graduate students.  Does your daughter's school have a support program that would be beneficial to her?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Completing School”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Education on a budget

Your pregnant daughter's education level is crucial to her future money situation.  The more education she has, the more likely she will be to have a job that pays enough to keep her and her child(ren) out of poverty.  Feminists for Life has an article that contains tips on getting an education on a shoestring budget.

If your pregnant daughter has not yet graduated from high school, she needs to find a way to complete at LEAST that much education.

A GED (General Educational Development) certification is an alternative to a high school diploma that
allows your pregnant daughter to work while preparing for and completing the certification exam. More information about this can be found at www.acenet.edu, which has sample questions, study tools, and the latest information about the GED.

In order to attend school, your daughter will need someone to care for her child.  Will family and friends help her with free or inexpensive childcare while she attends class and studies?  Does your church or community group offer affordable childcare? 

Your daughter will also need transportation to school.  Does she have access to a reliable vehicle?  Can she share a ride with a friend or family?  Can she walk, or take public transportation?

After completing high school or a GED, your daughter should consider getting a college degree of some sort (a 2-year degree or a 4-year degree).  To reduce tuition expenses, your daughter should look at attending a local community college for a few years before transferring to a university to finish a four-year program.  She needs to research carefully to see which courses will transfer so that she doesn't waste time and money on classes that will have to be re-taken.

If your daughter thinks online education would work better for her, she can search for distance
education programs at www.distance-education.org.  She needs to be sure that her online school is accredited, and if she is interested in a profession that requires licensure (such as nursing, teaching, etc.), then she needs to be sure the online college offers this licensure as part of their program.

If your pregnant daughter has to miss a class because of pregnancy issues, sick children or other
family needs, she needs to have a designated buddy or two in each class to take notes or tape the class for her. She should get to know her professors right away by talking to them before and after class.  She should let them know about her situation and her intentions to meet their expectations. She should be sure to call her professors if she has to be absent (even if it’s a large class). This lets the professor know that she is dedicated to their class. It’s also a good tip for distance learners to go beyond email and actually have phone conversations with professors from time to time.

For breastfeeding mothers, find out if there are designated spots on campus for breastfeeding or pumping, or ask other student parents for the best spots.

How to finance her education?  There are many types of scholarships and loans available to
students: take a look at www.fafsa.ed.gov.  Only take on the minimum amount of loans necessary to pay tuition expenses. Singlemom.com also has a list of scholarships that are more specific to single mothers. Some employers will pay for part of college tuition. She should consider seeking employment that supports her education. Although working full-time and going to school can be quite the challenge, it is another option for those with support for these goals.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Completing School” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Childcare Resources

The National Association of Childcare Resource & Referral Agencies (NACCRRA) says there are 8.6 million families in the United States in which both parents are working, 5.6 million working single parents, and 14.3 million children under age six in need of childcare. On average, children under age five with working mothers spend 36 hours a week in childcare.

Feminists for Life's report "Kids on a Shoestring Budget" reports that the average annual fees for full-time center care for an infant range from $4,542 to $14,591. The cost of in-home childcare is slightly less. Infant care is the most expensive, primarily because the infant-to-caregiver ratio must
be lower. Full-time center care for a toddler or preschool child costs from $3,380 to $10,787.

A 2011 study by the Institute for Women's Policy Research found that student parents in the United States need more than one million childcare slots but that less than 5% of that need is being met at campus childcare centers. Though student parents make up about one-fourth of all postsecondary students, less than 20% of postsecondary schools offer on-campus childcare, and the children of students rarely get priority when facilities exist.

So what resources can help your pregnant daughter with child care while she attends school or a job?

For children who are not yet in school, see if your daughter and her child(ren) qualify for programs like "Early Head Start" and "Head Start".

Does anyone in your extended family live nearby that would be willing and able to help with free childcare?  Older siblings, grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc.?

Can your daughter swap babysitting with other women who are children of a similar age?

If your pregnant daughter will be employed full time after giving birth, does her employer offer on-site childcare?  Maybe they offer childcare assistance programs?

If your pregnant daughter will return to school after giving birth, does her school offer on-site childcare?

If your pregnant daughter is researching childcare, she should be very thorough in her consideration of every situation.  She should interview the childcare provider during business hours.  She should ask to see the results of background checks on the employees.  She should ask to see proof of licensing.  She should ask for references from the childcare provider (and actually call them and ask questions!).  And she should spend time observing the children in the environment.

Websites such as www.childcareaware.org and www.daycareproviders.com allow you to search for providers by name, city, or ZIP code. They provide checklists to guide parents through the search process, as well as sample interview questions to use with potential providers. They also offer
electronic newsletters for both parents and childcare providers. The Childcare and Development Fund (nccic.acf.hhs.gov) provides comprehensive information on state childcare providers.

Once your daughter's children attend school, they may need before-school and after-school care.  The YMCA (www.ymca.net) offers a school-age childcare program called Y-Care.  Boys & Girls Clubs is another nationwide agency that offers before- and after-school childcare options in many communities. You can search their website, www.bgca.org, by ZIP code to find a club near you.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Childcare Responsibilities”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Real Stories: Internet and sex

Marcus Thomas, 28 years old, traveled from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to Rapid City, South Dakota (about 1,500 miles).  Why? To have sex with a girl he met on the internet.  But it turned out that the girl he traveled to meet was only 15.  And she became pregnant from their encounter after he climbed through her window into her bedroom.

The girl is now a 16-year-old single mother, and Marcus plead guilty to fourth-degree rape and is serving probation.  Marcus must now send child support for this child in addition to the four other children he has with three other women.

Talk to your teens about this news article.  Marcus claims that he thought the girl was 18.  How do your teens represent themselves on the Internet?  What personal information are they giving out?  What rules has your family created for Internet use?  Should your teens only be able to access the Internet on a computer that is in a common room (not their bedroom) so that they can be monitored?  How about their cell phone Internet access? 

Research teen internet safety by searching online.  Talk to your family about rules such as these found in a Family Contract for Online Safety.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Real Story: Tanika Stevenson's murder

Tanika Stevenson (24) was murdered in 1997 because she refused to abort her third child with Derrick Clements (25).  Derrick was married to someone else and had three children with his wife.  Derrick had already paid Tanika to abort two of their children, and she refused to abort their third child.  So Derrick shot Tanika in the back of the head and stuffed her body into the trunk of her own car, then parked the car at the Dowdell’s Knob overlook in Pine Mountain’s Franklin D. Roosevelt State Park in Georgia.  He stole her ATM card and withdrew money from her account, telling police that he had paid her to have an abortion and he wanted his money back since she would not abort.

If your daughter is pregnant by a married man who is not her husband, talk to her about her safety.  Has he threatened her in any way?  Is he insisting on abortion?  Do they fight about her pregnancy?  If so, ask her to not see him in private at any time, to always have someone with her.  If he has threatened her, ask her to talk to the police and/or a lawyer about getting a restraining order against him.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Budget housing, furniture and utilities

Forget glamorous, spacious, and perfect decor.  Instead, focus on safe and affordable.  Feminists for Life has a great article giving tips about housing, furniture and utilities when you are on a shoestring budget.

Most towns have a public housing office, although it may be difficult to get placed because of long waiting lists and shortages of available housing in most places. The U.S. Department of Housing
and Urban Development (HUD) may have listings of low-income housing. Local HUD offices can be found by choosing your state from the pulldown menu at www.hud.gov.

Consider sharing a house or apartment with other families like yours. Make sure that house-sharers are safe people, mutually compatible and flexible people, and to plan the living space for privacy as well as togetherness. Be sure to check your local laws about how many people may legally share a bedroom.

The National Shared Housing Resource Center (www.nationalsharedhousing.org) can be a good starting point for researching shared housing options. Craigslist is another resource for finding people interested in shared housing. Coabode.com offers a “matchmaking” service for single mothers to share housing with other single mothers.


Many utility companies and charitable organizations offer financial assistance to low-income
households for utilities. Take action to keep utility costs down. The first step is weather-proofing: make sure there is caulk around window frames, weather-stripping on doors, and use plastic insulating kits on windows where there are no storm windows.  Keep showers short, turn off lights, unplug items that you aren't using, change the thermostat and adjust clothing layers instead.

When children are small, it is better to have sturdier, more durable furniture that can withstand
some wear and tear. Handmedowns from relatives or friends can meet the need. A mattress and box spring on a metal frame are just as good as an expensive bed frame, and a futon on the floor is even
cheaper. Check www.freecycle.org first for free furniture. If you can’t find anything there, try craigslist.com, or bulletin boards at religious community centers, supermarkets and businesses. Flea markets, auctions, garage sales and tag sales are also good sources, although they pose an impulse buy
temptation.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Should she parent alone?”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy" to learn more about housing.

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Abortion and Mental Health

Up to 10% of mental health problems among women may be affected by a history of abortion, according to a new review published by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in their  British Journal of Psychiatry.

 

Publication of this new review, which included 877,181 women from six countries, has reawakened accusations that the American Psychological Associations Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion deliberately understated abortion’s mental health risks for ideological reasons.

The findings of the new review appear to contradict the conclusions published by the task force in 2008, which stated that a "single abortion" of an "unwanted" pregnancy for an "adult" woman did not "in and of itself" pose significant mental health risks.

According to an expert in the field, Elliot Institute director Dr. David Reardon, that carefully nuanced conclusion was designed to obscure rather than clarify the risks of abortion.  "If you pay close attention you will find reluctant admissions that certain subgroups of women are at higher risk."

For example, the APA review admits that multiple abortions may be problematic. But it then fails to mention that fully half of all abortions are second, third or fourth abortions.

Similarly, Reardon notes that the APA recognizes that abortions of wanted pregnancies, and cases where women feel pressured to abort by other people, are also clearly problematic. But these cases may account for 30% to 65% of all abortions. Abortions for minors are also known to be associated with elevated suicide rates.


The meta-analysis in this publication revealed that women with a history of abortion face higher rates of anxiety (34% higher) and depression (37% higher), heavier alcohol use (110% higher) and marijuana use (230% higher), and higher rates of suicidal behavior (155% higher).

The study also found that women who delivered an unplanned pregnancy were significantly less likely to have mental health problems than similar women who aborted unplanned pregnancies.  Women with a history of abortion were 55% more likely to have mental health problems than women who did not abort an unplanned pregnancy.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics.  If your pregnant daughter is a minor, and/or people are pressuring her to abort her child, she may be facing mental health consequences after the abortion.  With your pregnant daughter, learn more about the psychological impact of abortion.


You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Trying to Hide” and "Where is God in all of this?" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.


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Food and Nutrition for the Family - on a shoestring budget!

If you don’t have enough money for food, there are many ways of getting help.  An article called "Food and Nutrition for the Family" gives great tips on how to eat better when you are on a shoestring budget.  Read this article with your pregnant daughter and talk to her about these points:

• Learn about WIC (Women, Infants and Children), SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, formerly the Food Stamps program), the Child Care Food Program, and the School Meals Programs by going to www.fns.uada.gov
• Feeding America (www.feedingamerica.org) has a searchable online directory of food banks in your area.
• For a baby’s first four to six months, breast milk or infant formula provides all the nutrition she needs. Once a baby starts to eat solid foods, consider making your own baby food. Learn more at  www.wholesomebabyfood.com
• Cook at home more.  Find recipes at www.allrecipes.com, www.lowcostmeal.com, or
  www.cookforgood.com.
• Plan menus for a week and buy only the items needed.
• Drink water.

Talk with your pregnant daughter about your current food budget.  What items that are low quality foods can be removed in order to save money or to buy more nutritious foods?

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Infant Feeding

Breastfeeding? Formula feeding?  Feminists for Life has a great article "Infant Feeding" that teaches you about both.  Read this article with your pregnant daughter and discuss these points from the article:

• "The American Academy of Pediatrics (www.aap.org/breastfeeding/) recommends breastfeeding newborns for at least six months. Breastfeeding helps build babies’ immune systems and promotes bonding between mother and child. Breastfeeding mothers may find it easier to lose pregnancy weight, and breastfeeding contributes to reduced risk of breast and ovarian cancer."
• "Make sure the baby is allowed to latch on to the breast within the first hour after birth, if  possible, and breastfeeding will be easier for both mother and child. While in the hospital, don’t let staff give formula or pacifiers to your newborn."  Add this to your written Birth Plan if you want the staff to follow this.
• "Check the USDA website at www.fda.gov/cdrh/breastpumps/index.html for information about pumping and storing breast milk."
• "The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends iron-fortified infant formula if you are unable to breastfeed or if your baby is weaned before 12 months or needs supplemental milk."
• "Formula feeding allows fathers, partners or other family members to participate in nourishing and nurturing the baby, encouraging one-on-one time and allowing the mother some extra rest.
  (Pumped breast milk can also be used for this purpose.)"

Does your daughter plan to breastfeed? Or to use formula?  Share your own experiences with her.  Go to several stores and compare prices for formula.  How much money could formula cost each week?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “The Child is Born” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Free child safety seat for Virginia Residents

To qualify for a free child safety seat in Virginia, applicants must meet all of the following:

• Medicaid or FAMIS eligible or proof of meeting program income eligibility guidelines
• Resident of Virginia
• Parent, legal guardian, or foster parent of the child
• Last trimester of pregnancy, or provided for children seven years old or younger who fit within the program safety seat manufacturer's guidelines
• Available to attend a safety seat installation and use class
• Sign a waiver of liability release form

If you meet the above requirements you may contact your local distribution site to learn how to apply for the program. To use an interactive map to locate a distribution site where you live and learn how to apply to receive a free safety seat click here.
For more information concerning the program or for other technical assistance on child occupant protection and resource information, call 1-800-732-8333.

Maps for Dads

"Maps for New Dads" is a great brochure for the baby's father, covering both prenatal and newborn topics.  Print out a free copy and give it to the baby's father.  Use the brochure as a guideline for family talk times.  Your pregnant daughter and other family members may like a copy too so that they can participate in the discussion.

Topics covered in the brochure are:
Prenatal: Before Your Baby Is BornHow Do You Feel About Being a Dad?
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
The First Trimester
The Second Trimester
The Third Trimester
Dad Fears...There are Plenty!
Dads Make a Difference
Settling Down
Just the Facts
Get Involved and Stay Involved
Prenatal Visits: Why Are They So Important?
Making a Healthy Baby – Dad’s Part
Show Me the Money!
What You Can Do to Get Ready
What’s Up with the New Mom?
Chef Dad
What If My Baby's Mother and I Aren't Together?
What You Can Expect When the Baby Comes
Bonding With Your New Baby
Changing A Diaper!
Sleeping, Dressing, Grooming
Feeding
Crying
Never Shake a Baby
Newborn Safety
All About Cribs
Make Your House a Smoke-free Zone
Supporting Your Baby’s Mom
What Are Mommy Blues?
Make Dadhood Legal
Getting a Job and Going to School
Live Like Dad...Be There!

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Teen birth is contagious?

"Our results show that teen motherhood of the older sister has a significant positive impact on the probability that her younger sister will also have a teen birth. [The impact] is larger for siblings who are close in age, ...as we would expect any such effect to wear off as the age gap between the sisters increases. It is also higher for women from low income households where shared resources between siblings may matter more. We conclude that, within families, teen births tend to be contagious."

These conclusions are from researchers evaluating birth data from Norway during the 1960s.  So the conclusions may not be transferable to the USA of the present time.  However, the question is an interesting one.  If you have two daughters, close in age, and the elder daughter gets pregnant as a teen then it could be significantly more likely that your younger daughter will also also get pregnant as a teen.

So talk to your younger daughters about their older sister's pregnancy.  What does your younger daughter think about her older sister being pregnant?  Does your younger daughter often copy the behavior of your older daughter?  Do you need to change anything in your parenting so that your younger daughter has a reduced chance of becoming sexually active as a teen?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Sharing with family and friends” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Health Insurance resource

A pregnant woman needs and deserves prenatal care from the moment she learns she is pregnant. The State Child Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) provides free or low-cost health insurance for children up to age 18 as well as for pregnant women.

The program is designed for families who earn too much to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to afford insurance on their own. Requirements and provisions vary by state. Check insurekidsnow.gov for links to your state’s SCHIP resources, or call 1-877-KIDSNOW (1-877-543-7669).

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “First steps to take” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Real stories: Allison Walsh

Allison Walsh, 21, was seven months pregnant and living with her 22-year-old boyfriend (Matthew Becker) and his family.  Matthew shot and killed Allison on August 12, and their unborn daughter died too.  Why did Matthew kill Allison?  His family says that Matthew was not happy that Allison was pregnant.  Allison had told her family that Matthew wanted her to abort the baby and that he had said that he would not help care for the child when it was born.  Matthew had a history of physically and verbally abusing his girlfriends.  Matthew also had a history of threatening his girlfriends with knives and guns, and was very controlling.

If your daughter's relationship to the baby's father has any similarity to the above, please help your daughter escape him and stay away from him.  Take his threats very seriously.  Get your daughter counseling for the verbal abuse so that she can stay away from him.  Talk to the police and to a lawyer about what you can do to protect your daughter and her unborn child.  Learn about domestic violence at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

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Real story: Troy Gaines

Troy Gaines grew up in Akron, Ohio, in the 1970’s. He grew up without his father.

Troy has painful memories of not receiving any direction from his dad about school, sports, or any other part of his life. He was a star running back for his middle school football team that won three championships. He felt like if he did well at football that his father would take an interest in his life. He has vivid memories of waiting for his father to show up after each of his football games, only to be
bitterly disappointed.

In his own words, he “wanted to lash out.” Troy turned to other people and things to fill the void that his father had left in his life. As a result, he had several run-ins with police, and starting in 2002 he spent a year at the Summit County Jail. At the time he went to prison, he was leaving behind his 22 year old girlfriend, Stacey, and their one week old son, Xavier. Troy recalls thinking that Xavier would feel the same way about him as he felt about his own dad.

It took a tragedy in Troy’s life for him to really turn the corner. While in prison, Troy learned that his girlfriend, Stacey, was murdered by guys that came to the house looking for drugs. Distraught from the loss of his girlfriend, Troy realized he needed help on what it means to be a man and father. He had a renewed determination to be there for his son in ways that his father was not there for him. He was committed to breaking the vicious cycle of father absence.

It was at that point that he turned to a man named Frank Williams, who was leading the InsideOut Dad™ program, which is helping inmate fathers throughout the country reconnect with their children before they are released. Troy had asked Frank for help on how to be a better man and father, and Frank was more than willing to answer that call. (Frank leads the Man2Man Fatherhood Building Program in Akron, Ohio.)

Troy knew he was in the right place when he joined the InsideOut Dad™ program and became part of a community of men that could support, encourage, and challenge each other to be better fathers, even while incarcerated. Troy remarked, “The [National] Fatherhood Initiative program [InsideOut Dad™] helped me to realize you have to make some changes in your life because what you’re doing is going to affect your boy.”

When Troy was released from prison, his first two goals were to find a job and connect with his one year old son. Now that Xavier is 8 years old, Troy is committed to helping him with homework and football, the very things he desperately wanted from his own dad. In fact, Troy tries to attend every game and practice that Xavier has. The impact of Troy’s involvement in Xavier’s life can best be seen
when talking to Xavier.

“With my dad at my games, I feel better and I care more. I love him a lot because he is a very good dad. If you make a mistake, he’ll make you keep going and going and… make you lift your head up.”

Troy knows there is a lot at stake in what type of father he is to Xavier. “Kids do exactly what they see their parents do. If I didn’t straighten up how I did, he would probably follow in my footsteps because he wanted to be like me.”

Troy tells Xavier at least five times a day that he loves him.  We can tell that Xavier knows it when he says, “My dad loves me and would do anything for me.”

Troy’s moving story is featured in a video that was released as part of the Connections Project, an initiative to train practitioners around the country on how to better serve fathers in a corrections setting. To view the video of Troy’s story, please visit www.connectionsproject.org. The Connections Project is being funded by the Bureau of Justice Assistance, a component of the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Challenges faced by the baby's father

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a noted international expert on child development, notes that expectant fathers often feel excluded. These feelings may show up because pregnancy is typically a time when family, friends and health care professionals focus on the mother.  His pregnant partner is asked repeatedly about her health and well-being, while few people, if any, think to engage him in an authentic way about his own experience. In addition, the expectant mother has a physical connection to the developing child that excludes the father.

This exclusion very often leads to feelings of competition. The expectant father now has to compete with his partner for attention from their friends and family. He has to compete with the pregnancy for attention from his partner. Also, because his prenatal experience may sometimes feel like it is largely one of observation, the expectant father may feel as if he has to rely on his partner for information about their forming child. If not deliberately approached from a place of inclusion, this situation can set up an unhealthy power dynamic, with the mother-to-be positioned as gatekeeper of “all things baby.”

Dr. Brazelton stressed the need for prenatal health care providers to draw the father out of his isolation and engage him in the pregnancy. He sees prenatal visits as a time to expose the father to his  developing baby’s heartbeat and sonogram, as well as an opportunity to ask the father questions about his worries and dreams for his baby. Dr. Brazelton recommends that practitioners show the expectant father how much his baby experiences in the womb as a way to predispose him towards later involvement in his infant’s development.

Another father-specific obstacle discussed throughout the conference is the difficulty many men have defining their role as the father in a family. Some men may have trouble because they lacked a strong father figure in their own home.  Another factor may be the increasingly ambiguous role of the father as experienced in and expressed by our society. The “provider” role is still a very dominant concept in the minds of many men and women, and it is an especially daunting one for un- or underemployed expectant fathers. Fortunately, the model of an involved father continues to broaden from mere
breadwinner and disciplinarian to include coparent, teacher, and nurturer, among others.

Still, there is a perceived disconnect between expectations of masculinity and what it is to be a caring father. For instance, David Johnson, a public health advisor from the Office of Family Planning, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, stressed the need to promote healthier behaviors as expressions of manhood. Yet another barrier to prenatal paternal involvement is that the existing public programs (in general) do not focus on the family as a whole. Programs tend to serve mother and child, while some serve fathers. It is a tough transition for programs to shift to serving the family as a whole system. Mr. Johnson also underscored the need to be prepared to serve various family structures (married, separated, cohabiting). He believes that we more effectively serve fathers when we approach them through an understanding of their own realities and challenges.

One final highlighted challenge is society’s broad disregard for the importance of father
involvement during pregnancy. Expectant fathers report great difficulty taking time away from work or school to attend prenatal appointments and classes. This is typically not the case for the pregnant mother. A recent National Fatherhood Initiative survey asked 701 American fathers about the obstacles they faced to being a good father. “Work responsibilities” was the answer most frequently given. Of the respondents who were not married to their child’s mother, the most frequent obstacle reported was resistance and lack of cooperation from the mother.  Whether an accurate perception or not, this information stresses the need to intervene and address the importance of father involvement from the earliest moment possible.

Source: report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

What men and women want from each other during pregnancy

Q: In all your conversations with single mothers, what is the most common theme you hear about what they wish their baby's father would have done during their pregnancy?
A: Get a suitable job, stay at home, and off the streets. Infidelity and domestic violence, which generally begin during this period, have long-term negative consequences and usually eventually lead to breakup.

Q: What about your conversations with men — what do you hear from them about pregnancy and their involvement?
A: They want these kids, respond more favorably to the news of an unplanned pregnancy, and are determined to stay involved. They are troubled by the amount of power the mothers hold over this key resource (the kid) and the lack of power they hold.

Typically, involvement falls off slowly as mothers and fathers' romantic attachment wanes, but not because of lack of interest on the father's part. Instead, maternal gate-keeping once the mother re-partners seems to be the primary cause. A secondary cause is fathers' new partnerships and parenting roles with subsequent children, which, for men with limited resources, can crowd out commitment to past children.

Source: Interview with author Kathryn Edin in report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this quote.  What does she wish the baby's father would do during her pregnancy?  In her conversations with the baby's father, in what ways does he say he wants to be involved in her pregnancy and in their child's life?  What are their current plans for him to visit and care for their child?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Father involvement after birth

Unless the baby's father is physically dangerous, consider how he might be involved in the life of your daughter's child in some way.  With your pregnant daughter, talk about three categories in which the baby's father could be involved:

1) Engagement with their child: direct interaction with their child.  For example, will the baby's father participate in caregiving tasks, such as preparing food, feeding their child, putting the child to bed, and playing with their child?
2) Availability / Accessibility: the amount of time that the father is available to the child for interaction and the amount of time that the father is accessible to the child, for example, nearby but not interacting with the child.
3) Responsibility: taking charge of meeting the child’s needs for supervision, basic welfare, and health care. 

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

If the baby's father will absolutely not be involved in the child's life, who in your family will pledge to be a substitute father?  If no one is available or able to make this commitment, would adoption into a man/woman married family be beneficial to both your daughter and her child?

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Father involvement during pregnancy is important

Children in homes without fathers are roughly five times more likely to be poor and are twice as likely to drop out of school. Conversely, children with positive father involvement have fewer behavior problems and higher levels of sociability, and perform better in school.

While you may not want the father of your daughter's child to be around, recent research suggests that father involvement during pregnancy affects multiple areas of child and family well-being, from prenatal care initiation and mother and child health outcomes, to the likelihood that the father will provide ongoing financial and emotional support (Source: Report titled "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood").

• Women with involved partners are 40% more likely to receive prenatal care in their first trimester than were those without an involved partner.
• Pregnant smokers with involved partners reduced their cigarette consumption 36% more than those whose partners were not involved.
• Fathers who were involved during the pregnancy were more likely to establish paternity at the hospital and to continue to provide emotional and economic support to their child.
• Couples with positive prenatal father involvement were more likely to be together three years after the child’s birth.
• Expectant fathers can be influential advocates for breastfeeding, playing a critical role in encouraging a mother to breastfeed the couple’s newborn infant.
• Involving the father during the pregnancy increases his understanding of his child and the mother, which may help prevent violence.

So unless the baby's father is physically dangerous, talk about whether he could be involved with your daughter's pregnancy in the following ways:

1. Can he attend a doctor visit with your daughter
2. Can he be present during an ultrasound of their child
3. Can he listen to their child's heartbeat
4. Can he spend time talking to their child in the womb
5. Can he discuss the progress of pregnancy with your daughter
6. Can he buy things their child will need shortly after birth

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Michael Rice, Father and Student

Watch this video of Michael Rice, father of two children and a student at Ivy Tech Community College in Indiana.  He talks about being a parent and a student, and how his priorities had to change.



Talk to your pregnant daughter about some of Michael's points:

• The responsibilities that come with being a parent mean that you have to increase the amount of work you do to be successful as a student.  He talks about how he used to just wake up and dress himself, but now as a parent he has to get the children ready for the day and then deliver them to childcare or school before he can start his own day. Then, after school, he has to get the children fed and spend time with them before he can start his own homework.  With your pregnant daughter, write out a detailed schedule of a typical day for after her child is born.  What time will she need to wake up in order to take care of her baby before heading off to school or her job?  When will she be able to study?  Would an adoption plan help her accomplish her educational goals?
• Michael says that he does not regret having children, and that being a parent made him reset his priorities.  He says that children go to the top of his priority list and everything else gets bumped down.  With your pregnant daughter, write a list of her priorities before she became pregnant.  Then write a list of her current priorities as a pregnant woman.  Then write a list of her expected priorities after her child is born.  Talk about the changes that have occurred and will occur in her priorities.  How does she feel about these changes?  What ideas can you both brainstorm to help make the transitions easier?
• Michael says that part of being a parent is establishing a firm foundation for the children: medically, financially, and how you want them raised.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about these areas.  What foundation will she be able to give them medically, financially, and in how she plans to parent?  Would an adoption plan give her child a firmer foundation than she is able to provide?
• Finally, Michael says "Your life is not over because you become a parent.  You just might have to work a little harder than you would have, and be a lot more focused, but it's not impossible."  Ask your pregnant daughter how she feels about this quote.  Is she feeling overwhelmed?  How can she break the tasks ahead of her into more manageable tasks?  

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Completing School" and “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!  

Community College students and parenting

61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree.

Nearly half (48%) of community college students have ever been pregnant or have gotten someone pregnant.

15% of all community college students are single parents.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy curriculum for community colleges.

If she chooses to attend community college, she may have a higher level of emotional support from her classmates because they are more likely to be parents themselves.  However, every parent faces challenges when trying to attend school and be a parent at the same time (not to mention employment!).  Brainstorm with your pregnant daughter about how she can finish her degree instead of dropping out.  What creative solutions can you both come up with?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Completing School" and “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Have some ideas/solutions to share with us? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Adoption stastics

As of 2008, approximately 2.5% of U.S. children joined their families through adoption, including adoptions from foster care, private domestic adoptions, international adoptions, and stepparent adoptions.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Adoption", some of which are shown below.

In 2007, approximately 1.8 million children lived with adoptive rather than biological parents. Their adoptions may have been arranged privately within the United States (38% of adoptions into households without a biological parent), or their adoptions have been made from foster care (37%) or from international sources (25%).

67% of international adoptions and 59% of private domestic adoptions occurred before the child was age 2, compared with only 28% of foster care adoptions.

Do you think that adoption of white children is the majority?  Think again!
Adopted children, when compared with all children, were LESS likely to be White, non-Hispanic or Hispanic and were more likely to be Black, non-Hispanic or Asian, non-Hispanic.

Family income varied by adoption type: 93% of children adopted internationally lived in families with incomes over $43,500, compared with 53% of children adopted from foster care and 65% of children adopted privately within the United States.

Nationally, in 2008, 21.5% of adopted children were of a different race than their adoptive parent.

In 2007, 68% of adopted children ages 0–5 were read to every day as compared to 48% of all children in this age group.

Positive social behaviors were exhibited by 83% of children adopted from foster care, compared with 91% of children adopted privately within the United States.

94% of children adopted from foster care were continuously insured throughout the year, compared with 88% of children adopted privately within the United States.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Recent teen sexuality statistics

In 2009, only 46% of high school students reported ever having had sexual intercourse.

In 2009, 32% of 9th-grade students reported ever having had sexual intercourse, compared with 62% of 12th-grade students.

Early sexual activity is associated with emotional and physical health risks such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs).  STIs, including HIV, can infect a person for a lifetime and have consequences including disability and early death.

Meanwhile, delaying sexual initiation is associated with a decrease in the number of lifetime sexual partners, and decreasing the number of lifetime partners is associated with a decrease in the rate of STIs.

Additionally, teen pregnancy is associated with a number of negative risk factors, not only for the mother but also for her child.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Sexual Activity".


You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

2011 Report on Secure Parental Employment

Secure parental employment reduces the incidence of poverty, is associated with higher family income and greater access to private health insurance. One measure of secure parental employment is the percentage of children whose resident parent or parents were employed full time during a given year.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Secure Parental Employment", some of which are shown below.

In 2009, 83% of children living in families maintained by two married parents had at least one parent who worked year round, full time.

In contrast, only 54% of children living in families maintained by a single father and 44% of children living in families maintained by a single mother had a parent who worked year round, full time.

In 2009, 44% of children living in families maintained by two married parents who were living below the poverty line had at least one parent working year round, full time, compared with 88% of children living at or above the poverty line.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics.  If she plans to be a single mother, what type of job will she be able to keep right now?  Will she be able to have a full-time, year-round job?  Would an adoption plan be of benefit to both her child and herself?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

2011 Report on Child Poverty and Family Income

In 2009, 21% of all American children ages 0–17 (15.5 million) lived in poverty (family income of less than $21,756).

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Child Poverty and Family Income", some of which are shown below.


In 2009, the poverty threshold for a two-parent, two-child family was $21,756.  The income classes are derived from the ratio of the family's income to the family's poverty threshold.

A child living in extreme poverty is defined as a child living in a family with income less than 50% of the poverty threshold.  In other words, family income of less than $10,878 (50% of $21,756).

Below poverty, but above extreme poverty, is defined as 50–99% of the poverty threshold. (Family income of $10,878 to $21,756)

Low income is defined as 100–199% of the poverty threshold. (Family income of $21,756 to $43,511)

Medium income is defined as 200–399% of the poverty threshold. (Family income of $43,512 to $87,023)

High income is defined as being at or above 400% of the poverty threshold. (Family income of $87,024 or more)

In 2009, 31% of children lived in families with medium income; 22% of children lived in families with low income and 28% of children lived in families with high income.


The poverty rate for related children living in female-householder families (no spouse present) was 44% in 2009, an increase from the low of 39% in 2001. The poverty rate for related children in married couple families increased from 8% to 11% over this time period.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics.  Where does your family fall on the income scale?  If your daughter plans on being a single mother, how much money will she be able to earn?  Where will she fall on the income scale then?  Would an adoption plan be of benefit to her child and to herself, so that the child is raised in a higher-income family and so that she can finish school and get a better-paying job?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Should she make an adoption plan?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Adolescent Births

Compared with babies born to older mothers, babies born to adolescent mothers, particularly young adolescent mothers, are at higher risk of low birthweight and infant mortality. They are more likely to grow up in homes that offer lower levels of emotional support and cognitive stimulation and they are less likely to earn high school diplomas. For the mothers, giving birth during adolescence is associated with limited educational attainment, which in turn can reduce employment prospects and earnings potential.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Adolescent Births", some of which are shown below.

There were 124,256 births to adolescents aged 15-17 in 2009, according to preliminary data. 

In 2009, 94% of births to females ages 15–17 were to unmarried mothers, compared with 62% in 1980.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Who is the pregnant single mother?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Child care statistics

Many children spend time with a child care provider other than their parents.

The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Child Care", some of which are shown below.

In 2010, 48% of children ages 0–4 with employed mothers were primarily cared for by a relative—their father, grandparent, sibling, other relative, or mother— while she worked.

24% of children ages 0–4 with employed mothers spent the most amount of time in a center-based arrangement (day care, nursery school, preschool, or Head Start).

14% of children ages 0–4 with employed mothers were primarily cared for by a nonrelative in a home-based environment, such as a family day care provider, nanny, babysitter, or au pair.

Does your pregnant daughter hope to have a family member provide child care for her while she is in school or at a job?  Or does she plan to use a center-based or nonrelative child care program?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Childcare responsibilities” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Births to unmarrried women

Children of unmarried mothers are at higher risk of adverse birth outcomes such as low birthweight and infant mortality than are children of married mothers.  They are also more likely to live in poverty than children of married mothers.   Children are at greater risk for adverse consequences when born to a single mother, because the social, emotional, and financial resources available to the family may be limited.


The report "America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being: 2011" has current data about "Births to Unmarried Women", some of which are shown below.

In 2009, 41% of all births were to unmarried women.

Nearly half of first births were to unmarried women in 2009. Almost three-fourths of births to women under age 25 having their first child were nonmarital.


The percentage of all births to unmarried women rose from 18% of total births in 1980 to 33% in 1994. From 1994 to 2002, the percentage ranged from 32% to 34%. The percentage has increased more rapidly since 2002, reaching 41% in 2009.

Between 1980 and 1994, the birth rate for unmarried women ages 15–44 increased from 29.4 to 46.2 per 1,000.

Between 1995 and 2002, the rate fluctuated little, ranging from 42.9 to 44.3 per 1,000.

From 2002 to 2008, however, the rate increased from 43.7 to 52.5 per 1,000, before declining to 50.6 per 1,000 in 2009.

The birth rate among unmarried adolescents ages 15–19 declined between 1994 and 2005, increased in 2006 and 2007, and then decreased slightly in 2008.

Among adolescent subgroups, the rate for adolescents ages 15–17 declined from 31.7 per 1,000 in 1994 to 19.7 in 2005 and has changed little since (it was 20.6 in 2008).

For adolescents ages 18–19, the birth rate declined from 1994 to 2003 and increased annually from 2003 to 2007; the rate declined in 2008, when it was 61.9 per 1,000.

Birth rates for unmarried women in their twenties changed relatively little during the mid- to late 1990s. In the 2000s, for women ages 20–24, the rate rose from 70.5 per 1,000 in 2002 to 79.2 in 2008, and, for women ages 25–29, the rate rose from 58.5 per 1,000 in 2000 to 76.1 in 2008.

Birth rates for unmarried women ages 30–44 have steadily increased since the late 1990s.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Who is the pregnant single mother?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Choosing Adoption

A majority (57%) of respondents agreed with the statement “Sometimes choosing adoption is what it means to be a good mother.” (In a 2010 Harris Interactive Survey commissioned by the National Council for Adoption)

Research clearly shows that adoption is good for children, birthmothers, and families; outcomes for adopted children and birthmothers are generally very positive. Children adopted as infants display few indicators of high-risk behavior such as alcohol use, fighting in school, and trouble with the police. Adopted children also scored higher than did adolescents in the general population on indicators of wellbeing such as school performance, friendships, self-esteem, and social competency.

Most birthmothers who placed their children for adoption report feeling that they made the right decision. In particular, comparing teenagers who make an adoption plan with those who parent indicates that those who chose adoption are more likely to finish school, obtain a higher level of education, and attain better employment than their parenting peers. They are also less likely to receive public assistance or experience another pregnancy before they are married.


Both current research and public opinion support the fact that adoption can be a positive option for women, and yet providing information to women making pregnancy decisions often proves a challenge. If more women were fully informed and educated about the option of adoption and its positive outcomes for both birthparents and children, they might choose to make an adoption plan. Women facing unintended pregnancies should be provided with timely, accurate, non-coercive information about adoption.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Should she make an adoption plan?” and “Dedication Service” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Adoption statistics

The National Council For Adoption (NCFA) recently released the "Adoption Factbook V" which has statistics and articles about adoption.

While there has been a decline in the number of infant adoptions, the increase in overall
domestic adoption is due to a rise in adoptions by relatives as well as adoptions from foster
care.

Overall, domestic adoption has increased in recent years; In 2007, 133,737 domestic adoptions
were reported, an increase of 3,468 (2.6%) over the reported 130,269 domestic adoptions
in 2002.
 
Related adoptions (including step-parent adoptions and other family member adoptions)
have increased by 2,992 (5.5%), with 57,248 reported in 2007 compared to 54,256 in
2002.


55,684 children were adopted from foster care in 2009, an increase over previous years.  There are currently about 114,556 children in the US foster care system who are eligible for adoption.

The number of domestic infant adoptions obviously fluctuates from year to year, but it has been
on the decline since 1992, and the latest study by NCFA reveals that this is a continuing trend. 
There were only 18,078 domestic infant adoptions in 2007 (the most recent year for which this
study was able to obtain statistics), compared to 22,291 in 2002. This 18.9% decrease
indicates that there is still much work to be done in order to ensure that women facing
unintended pregnancies are fully informed, educated, and able to consider the option of
adoption on an equal basis with all other pregnancy options.

There were 11,059 immigrant orphan adoptions reported in 2010, a 35.8% decrease from 17,229 in 2008.  This also reflects an overall five-year decline in intercountry adoptions of 51.7% since 2004 (when 22,900 intercountry adoptions were reported).


While there has been a decrease in domestic infant and intercountry adoption over the past several years, there has been no decrease in the number of American families willing to adopt.  In fact, the opposite is true; many families wait for years in order to adopt children.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Should she make an adoption plan?” and “Dedication Service” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

2010 Most Popular Baby Names

The top 10 boy names for 2010 were:
1. Jacob
2. Ethan
3. Michael
4. Jayden
5. William
6. Alexander
7. Noah
8. Daniel
9. Aiden
10. Anthony

For girls, the top 10 names were:
1. Isabella
2. Sophia
3. Emma
4. Olivia
5. Ava
6. Emily
7. Abigail
8. Madison
9. Chloe
10. Mia

Birthmother's Day - May 7, 2011

Birthmother's Day was created by a group of birthmothers in Seattle, Washington, who wished to reflect on the choice they made and the life they gave.  While there is joy in knowing that life goes on for both birthmother and child, most birthmothers agree that there is also pain associated with Mother's Day, and they wanted to establish a day that would honor their birthmotherhood.

This year, please join us in honoring birthmoms.  Mark your calendar for May 7, the Saturday before Mother's Day.  (Yes, they have their own special day!)

More than just offering a card or a flower, we need to honor birthmothers with meaningful action. Actions are built on solid policies, and good policies start with listening to women. 


Any woman facing unintended pregnancy is entitled to a variety of resources empowering her to make a fully informed choice, the choice that is best for her and her child.  If she chooses to make an adoption plan, with or without the participation of the child's father, she needs practical assistance as well as emotional support and counseling before and after the adoption.

Unconditional support must come from parents, family and friends, counselors and adoption agencies, schools and workplaces, and prospective adoptive parents.

Unconditional support may take various forms, some included below. Every woman making an adoption plan for her child should feel that she is fully informed, and is not coerced by individuals or by circumstances or lack of support.  She must know that her personal and individual choices are honored from the beginning of her pregnancy and throughout the rest of her life.

Unconditional support means that she needs practical support to help meet living expenses, including housing, food, phone, and legal fees.

Unconditional support means that she needs understanding and flexibility from educators throughout her pregnancy. 

Unconditional support means that she needs support from her employers.  Birthmothers are entitled to the same pregnancy leave granted to other pregnant employees under the Family and Medical Leave Act.  A birthmother needs postpartum care for both her physical and emotional wellbeing, and she should have access to the same leave benefits, paid or unpaid, as those extended for recovery after any employee gives birth.

Unconditional support means that she needs quality medical care, including pre- and post-natal care, counseling, and education regarding birth and, if she chooses, breastfeeding.

Unconditional support means that she needs to know her options once the baby is born.  She may want time with the baby once born, a chance to introduce the child to family and friends. As Jessica said, "I had to say hello before I could say goodbye." There should be transition options such as an "entrustment ceremony." The birthmother needs to decide what sort of contact she would like to have with the adoptive family, including visits, cards, photos, etc., depending on the level of openness both birthparents and adoptive parents are comfortable with.  And she also deserves privacy and respect, and to have control over who is told about the adoption, what they are told, by whom, and when.

Unconditional support means that she is entitled to counseling both before and after the adoption takes place.  Responsible, ethical adoption policy requires that birthparents are fully informed and supported throughout the adoption process and after, and that they are given all necessary information regarding their legal rights and responsibilities.   

Unconditional support means that she should have access to ongoing support through counseling and birthmother support groups.

Unconditional support means that she deserves ongoing support and respect from each and every one of us.

While we honor birthmothers on May 7th, we must remember that their experiences are unique, characterized by mixed emotions, and that their feelings may change over time. For those women who have made the thoughtful, loving decision that adoption was the best choice for them and their children, we must also recognize another element, that there is still a loss. 

Every birthmother, like every mother who parents her child, is different.  Ask her what she needs from you.  It may be as simple as saying "thank you" or offering a hug, or as complicated as helping her find a qualified counselor.  

For some who may not fully understand the choice of adoption, it can be tempting to romanticize the birthmother, viewing her simply as a selfless hero and glossing over her actual feelings and experiences.  Yes, there is sacrifice made by every birthmother, and in order to appreciate that and truly support her, we need to listen to her fully and address her needs as best we can. 

There is no "one size fits all" solution for every woman facing unplanned pregnancy, or every birthparent who makes an adoption plan for her child.  

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should she make an adoption plan?" and "Dedication Service" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Story: Rosemary Newman's Death

Rosemary was 18 years old and would be giving birth to her daughter in a few days.  The baby's father was no longer in her life.  But then he suddenly invited her out to dinner, and she never came home from that date.  Rosemary's former boyfriend didn't want to be a father, so he and his new girlfriend strangled and beat Rosemary to death.

Parents, talk to your pregnant daughter about this story.  Be cautious if her baby's father shows up again suddenly after getting out of her life.  Be cautious if her baby's father has indicated that he doesn't want to be a father.  If the baby's father has made any threats against your daughter or the baby, talk to the police or to a lawyer about getting a restraining order against him.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Why do teens send sexual text messages?

Why do teens send sex text messages on their cell phones?  HLN's Dr. Drew Pinsky looks into why kids are sexting.



Talk to your children about this video clip.  How do they define the word 'reputation'?  What kind of reputation do they want to have?  Do they think their online reputation could affect their chances of getting in to a good college or getting a good job in the future?  Have they sent sexual text messages on their phone?  Have they sent sexy photos of themselves?  Discuss the rules you want them to follow when using their phone and the internet.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Importance of a Father

The secret heartache caused by broken families and father failure is frequently laid bare by the tabloids covering the lives of pop stars. Emptiness caused by divorce and absent or abusive fathers has been the catalyst for the ruin of many of Hollywood’s darlings. 

Hännah Schellhase, National Fatherhood Initiative's Development Specialist, wrote a great blog entry recently, titled "Fathers, be good to your daughters".  Go read the whole post and talk it over with your pregnant daughter.

Hannah writes, "John Mayer’s song "Daughters" won the 2005 Grammy for Song of the Year. The lyrics carry a rebuke to fathers for how they treat their daughters because of the profound influence a father’s actions have on the psyche of a daughter. Mayer has captured the cyclical nightmare that is created when a girl is mistreated or abandoned by her father. “Daughters” describes the emotional confusion daughters feel when their fathers are absent or uninvolved, either physically or emotionally.

A woman’s definition of her self-worth and the nature of love is often formed by early impressions of her father’s relationship to both her and her mother. Without a healthy family framework to define these things for her, a girl is often left scrambling to piece together meaning for herself, and has to work through significant emotional barriers in order to commit to a loving relationship or a healthy lifestyle for herself.  Taylor Swift’s new song "Mine" captures this struggle perfectly—learning to trust and love is an incredibly difficult thing for a daughter to learn if her father hasn’t modeled these things well.

Teen star Lindsay Lohan fell into drugs and alcohol and has ruined her career with courtroom scandals and immature behavior. Her mother is always at her side at court hearings—but where is her father? Michael Lohan spent Lindsay’s childhood years in and out of jail and in highly publicized affairs, finally divorcing her mother Dina in 2007. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but Lindsay’s first DUI was also that same year. Fathers, be good to your daughters.

R&B singer Chris Brown nearly ruined his career when his girlfriend, pop artist Rihanna, appeared in public with bruises in 2009. It turned out that Chris had beaten Rihanna several times during arguments, and he was later given a restraining order and five years of parole. Many fans were disgusted with his behavior—hitting a woman is despicable.  However, a father’s behavior is often shown to be a predictor of the behavior of his children, and Brown had spoken many times before the incident about how traumatized he had been by how his stepfather abused his mom. Brown grew up in a home where his mom was regularly beaten and verbally abused—and like most children, Brown later learned that it’s nearly impossible to break free from the cycle of "loving" like your family "loved."

Mayer’s song says “So fathers, be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do,” but sons learn how to treat women from their fathers—sons will love like their fathers do.  If more dads were dedicated to being involved, if more dads were careful with how they loved their daughters, there would be so much less heartbreak as children try to enter adulthood without any idea of what real commitment, unconditional love, or an unbroken family looks like. There would be less need for songs like P!nk’s "Perfect" or Bruno Mars' "Just the Way  You Are", as the women in these songs might have had the chance to understand their worth and beauty from the affirmations of a caring father.

 So read this article to your pregnant daughter.  Who will be the father figure for her child?  How will her son learn about how to to treat women by watching a string of boyfriends that your daughter dates?  How will her daughter learn self-worth without a father figure?  If your pregnant daughter is not going to marry her child's father, please talk to her about seriously considering an adoption plan so that her child can have a stable mother and father.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "The Importance of a Father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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