Breastfeeding

A recent news article titled "Study: Lack of breastfeeding costs lives, billions of dollars" says

• "If most new moms would breastfeed their babies for the first six months of life, it would save nearly 1,000 lives and billions of dollars each year."
  
• "The United States incurs $13 billion in excess costs annually and suffers 911 preventable deaths per year because our breastfeeding rates fall far below medical recommendations."
  
• The World Health Organization says infants should be exclusively breastfed for the first six months of life "to achieve optimal growth, development and health." The WHO is not alone in its recommendations. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Family Physicians and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention all agree that breast milk alone is sufficient for newborns and infants until they are 6 months old.
  
• However, a 2009 breastfeeding report card from the CDC found that only 74% of women start breastfeeding, only 33% were still exclusively breastfeeding at three months and only 14% were still exclusively breastfeeding at six months.
  
• Dr. Melissa Bartick, one of the study's co-authors, says the vast majority of extra costs incurred each year could be saved "if 80 to 90 percent of women exclusively breastfed for as little as four months and if 90% of women would breastfeed some times until six months."

Talk to your daughter about your experiences with breastfeeding. Then help her research the benefits of breastfeeding her child, and help her learn successful positions and techniques.

28% of US Kids Drank Alcohol in the last month

According to a recent study, "27.6%) of American youth aged 12 to 20 said that they drank alcohol in the past month".

Talk to your kids about not drinking alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making it more likely that you will say or do things that you later regret doing, like having sex. Alcohol also affects decision-making skills, making it more likely that you choose to have sex when you otherwise would not have done so.

Statistics indicate that alcohol was involved in more than 97,000 sexual assaults among college students during the years 1998-2001, and more than 100,000 incidents of being too drunk to consent to sex. Was alcohol involved in the sexual activity that lead to your daughter's pregnancy?

"People who start drinking before age 15 are six times more likely to have alcohol problems than those who start drinking at age 21 or older, according to research." Now that your daughter is pregnant, is she still drinking alcohol? Print out this fact sheet about how alcohol affects your daughter's baby while she is pregnant, and talk to her about it. Get her medical help to stop drinking.

The effects of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) vary widely from person to person. Difficulties in an individual’s ability to succeed at home, school, work, and in social situations may arise at different ages. For many people with an FASD, brain damage is the most serious effect. It may result in cognitive and behavior problems. One obvious sign of brain damage in some babies born with FAS is a small head. We call this condition microcephaly. Individuals with FASD may have facial anomalies such as small eye openings, a smooth philtrum (groove under the nose), and a thin upper lip. When a person has all three features, together they are a sign of FASD. Other features, sometimes seen in persons with FAS, include a short nose, a flat mid-face, or a small upper jaw. However, people who do not have FAS can also have these features, so they are not by themselves a sign of FASD.

Due to damage by exposure to alcohol in the womb, babies with an FASD may be born small and underweight. Somehave difficulty nursing or eating and their growth continues to lag, resulting in failure to thrive. Some infants with an FASD may also have tremors, seizures, excessive irritability, and sleep problems. Physical effects of FASD may include heart defects, such as a hole in the wall of the heart that separates its chambers. Other effects are skeletal defects, such as fused bones in the arms, fingers, hands, and toes. People with an FASD may also have vision and hearing problems, kidney and liver defects, and dental abnormalities. Alcohol can damage the developing fetus from the earliest weeks through the end of the pregnancy. Other factors associated with women who drink during pregnancy are poor nutrition and lack of prenatal care. These factors may also affect organ and skeletal development.

Getting rid of guilt

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a great little article called "5 Ways to Get Rid of Guilt".

As the parent of a pregnant daughter who is not married, it's a safe bet that you sometimes feel guilt. You may feel guilty because you think you weren't hard enough on your daughter, or maybe you've been too hard on her since you found out she is pregnant. Or maybe you feel guilty because you think you have failed as a parent.

You are not alone in your struggle with guilty feelings. God uses guilty feelings to point out to us that we have made bad choices. But once you confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and determine to not make that mistake again, any remaining guilty feelings need to be scrubbed out.

When dealing with guilt about your pregnant daughter, first ask God to forgive you for your failings. Then consider these points from the NFI:

1) Admit to your kids that you are not perfect. (They know it anyway.) But say it out loud to them and say you are sorry. Ask your kids to forgive you.

2) Don't compare yourself to other parents that you think are doing better than you. Focus instead on following God right now, and being the kind of parent your children need you to be. Be realistic... you can't accomplish everything, you can't be perfect. Be involved with your kids, be responsible, and be committed to them. Let the other things go.

3) Look forward. If you've confessed your mistakes and asked for forgiveness, then stop beating yourself up, stop dwelling on the mistake. Don't focus on the past. Instead, focus on who you want to become and how you would like your family to be in the future.

High school clinic facilitates abortion

A Seattle, Washington, high school recently made the news because the in-school "health center" sent a 15 year old girl for an abortion during school hours. The teen took a pregnancy test at the school clinic, and at some point was put in a taxi and sent off to have an abortion. The mother of the teen says that the teen was told that if she concealed the abortion from her family that the abortion would be free of charge.

Washington state does not require a parent to give consent for a minor to have an abortion, nor does it require a parent to even be notified. Only a few states require neither parental notification nor parental consent: Connecticut, DC, Hawaii, New Hampshire, New York, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington.

If the high school your children attend has an in-school clinic, find out who runs the clinic... is it run by the school districit or by a separate medical provider? Exactly what services does the clinic provide? Are you able to opt-in to some services for your child, but opt-out of other services? What is the clinic's policy on pregnancy tests, abortion referrals, and other sexuality issues?

Return of Multi-Generational Homes

The Pew Research Center recently released its findings about multiple generations living in the same house together.

"As of 2008, a record 49 million Americans, or 16.1% of the total U.S. population, lived in a family household that contained at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of census data."

With a pregnant daughter, you may be a part of this demographic. Will your daughter and your grandchild be living in your house after your daughter gives birth? Or will you be raising your grandchild while your daughter lives elsewhere?

"Of the 49 million Americans living in a multi-generational family household... 6% are in a "skipped" generation household made up of a grandparent and grandchild, but no parent."

This situation, where the grandparents are raising a grandchild while the parent lives elsewhere, occurs about 7% of the time among Caucasians, 4% of the time among Latinos, 13% of the time among Blacks, and 1% of the time among Asians.

While the economy is a factor, another reason that multiple generations are living together includes the trend of young people getting married at an older age than previously.

"The typical man now marries for the first time at age 28 and the typical women at age 26. For both genders, this is about five years older than it was in 1970."

We've discussed housing issues several times in this blog. Click on the "Housing" topic link below for more entries about housing. We list discussion topics about housing in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Discuss dating

The National Fatherhood Initiative has tips on talking to your sons and daughters about dating.

Talk to your teens about these items:
1) Set your expectations about behavior. Explain why you want to meet their date and ask them questions: that you understand and trust your children but that it is your job as a parent to protect them. So let your teens know you will want to talk to the people they date.

2) Follow through and ask those questions! Get to know the person that is taking out your child. How are they doing in school? What are their favorite and least favorite subjects? What are their goals following school? Are they currently working? Where? What are their beliefs? Do they attend religious services? Where? What do they like about them? What do their parents do for a living?

3) Tell your child and their date that you expect clear boundaries and be specific about what is off-limits. For example, explain your expected limits on kissing and touching; on being alone; on alcohol and drugs; appropriate places to go and activities; and on communcation (how often are they allowed to see each other? talk on the phone? text? etc)

4) Make sure your kids know they can always talk to you about dating. Listen when they talk, by not jumping to conclusions or immediately trying to solve the situation.

Application for permission to date my daughter

This is meant to be funny, but it makes a good point.

Application for permission to date my daughter
1. Name :__________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________
City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :______________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________
How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________

If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )

I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Signature (that means your name)________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.


The point of this joke is this: how well do you know the boys that your teen daughter is dating? For that matter, how well does SHE know them? What basic requirements would you like to insist upon for someone to date your daughter? What qualities are on her list of requirements for a dating partner? Talk to your children about this joke dating application. What is their reaction to it?

Stress busters

It is obvious that any family that has a pregnant teenager or pregnant college student will feel stress. The National Fatherhood Initiative offers their top ten tips for dealing with stress:

1) Exercise. Do some double duty and do exercise together as a family - take a walk, ride bikes, throw a ball or a frisbee, etc.

2) Eat right. Your pregnant daughter needs healthy food for herself and her baby, but the rest of you need healthy food too. Stop buying the junk food. If it isn't in the house, you won't eat it!

3) Get some sleep. Adults need a minimum of 6 hours of sleep every day. Eight is better. Go to bed at the same time every night in order to train your body.

4) List priorities. "Think about all the “shoulds,” “woulds", “coulds,” and “musts” in your life. Figure out which are worth keeping and which to get rid of and focus on what you feel is most important – don’t try to do it all."

5) Laugh. Having a pregnant daughter who isn't married isn't a laughing matter. So you'll have to be deliberate to find something to laugh at. Maybe the comics in the newspaper? Maybe a comedy show?

6) Vent your feelings. But find a safe time and place to do so. No need to hurt others simply by venting. Write in a journal. Talk to a counselor or religious leader. Get coffee and talk. Take a walk and talk. Share your feelings. Then talk about the problems and invent solutions.

7) Leave work at work. We often train ourselves to keep our home problems internal while we are at work. Try the same with work problems... leave them at work so they don't interfere with your family life.

8) Spend time with friends. This doesn't have to be hours and hours... just a quick coffee together. Or a walk. But don't isolate yourself from your support network. You may feel embarassed that your daughter is pregnant and not married. You may worry about what your friends will say (and it's true that they likely will say *something*), but you need friendships. Figure out which of your friends are trustworthy, and which are just gossips.

9) Volunteer/give. Volunteering to help others will help you get the focus off your stresses for a little while. You don't have to spend hours and hours on this. Often something simple but meaningful can be more therapeutic than a huge endeavor. Maybe you can get double benefit out of volunteering in some way. For example, maybe you and your pregnant daughter can babysit a young child for a few hours. This way your daughter can have a small glimpse at the skills she needs if she's going to parent; and it gives you and your daughter the chance to talk about approaches to parenting.

10) Pursue your hobby. An activity that can help you escape and have a bit of fun will help you relax and re-energize. So set aside a small time to do something you love: read a chapter in a fun book; pull weeds from the garden; take a class at the recreation center; etc.

Pick just one of these ideas to get started. Don't add stress by overloading yourself, even with things that are supposed to be stress relieving.

Dating Violence: Power and Control

February is awareness month for dating violence. BreakTheCycle.org points out that "the core of dating violence are issues of power and control." Talk to your kids about how "violent words and actions are tools an abusive partners uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner."

Talk about these kinds of power and control:

Peer pressure: for example, threatening to expose someone's weakness, spreading rumors, telling lies about a person to their peer group.

Anger and emotional abuse: putting you down, making you feel badly about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, mind games, humiliating you, making you feel guilty.

Using social status: treating you like a servant, the controlling partner making all the decisions, the controlling partner being the only one allowed to define men's and women's roles.

Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Minimize/Deny/Blame: the controlling partner making light of the abuse and not taking seriously your concerns about the situation, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying that you caused the abusive behavior.

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone. Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to the police. Making you drop charges. Making you do illegal things.

Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats in order to get sex, getting a girl pregnant in order to control her, threatening to take the children away, getting you drunk or drugged in order to have sex.

Isolation/Exclusion: Controlling what you do, controlling who you see or talk to, controlling what you read, controlling where you go. Limiting outside involvement from others. Using jealousy to justify actions.

If your child is being controlled in a relationship, please get them help. Tell your child you are concerned for their safety. Point out that what they are experiencing is not normal and that they deserve a safe relationship. Stress that you are on their side and that no one deserves to be abused. Help them develop a safety plan.

Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month

February is awareness month for Teen Dating Abuse.

Break the Cycle says that as many as one in three teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship; and one in four eighth and ninth grade students reported being victims of dating violence.

Talk to your daughter about this video.

Sexual purity, step 3

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.

To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.

Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.

Sexual purity, step 2

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?

Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?

All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.

Sexual purity, step 1

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.

1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?

Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."

She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.

Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Building character early in life

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 32, Farrar repeats an anonymous quotation that "the formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a sceptor more potent than that of kings or priests."

She goes on to say, "Mothers also have a remarkable unseen power over marriages-to-come (that is, who their sons will choose to marry and not marry, and how they will relate to their future wives). ... Mothers contribute uniquely to the process of preparing their sons to become great dads."

Basically, the first years of a child's life are very important for building their character.

Discuss with your pregnant daughter:
What character traits does she wish her child to have?
What is her plan for teaching that character to her child?
Will she be the primary caretaker of her child during these important early years, or will the child be taught by someone else such as a paid daycare worker or another family member?
If she won't be the primary caretaker, what is her plan for how she will teach character during the time she has available?
If your daughter is making an adoption plan, what character traits would she like the parents of her child to have so that they are more likely to raise her child with the character she desires?

Teaching manliness to sons

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."

Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.

Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.

Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?

As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Teen pregnancy, poverty, and unfinished education

The January 2010 policy brief from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is on the topic of the link between teen pregnancy and poverty.

Talk to your kids about these statistics:

1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?

2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?

3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?

4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?

5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?

6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.

You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Review: Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti

"Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spahetti" by Chad Eastham with Bill & Pam Farrel

This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.

The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.

Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:

• The rebel dater who simply wants to show independence and gain freedom.
• "Dating for a daddy"...girls that are looking for love to replace the love they are not getting from their fathers. This may be especially true in single parent families.
• Serial dating... constantly jumping from relationship to relationship because the person feels they can't be alone.
• "Missionary dating" ..."This term describes people who date others with very different religious and social viewpoints from their own with the hope of 'converting' them."

Near the end of the book, Chad talks about sex. He reminds readers that guys and girls have sex for different reasons: guys give love in order to get sex, girls give sex in order to get love. Discuss this with your kids.

Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:

• 96% of high school relationships will not last. Chad discusses the idea that dating in high school should strive not to involve deep committment and romantic emotions (and also be very limited physically) in order to protect yourself from heartbreak (due to the fact that so few of these relationships last). Talk about Chad's question with your kids: "If I were to tell you that you will date someone but that you probably won't marry that person, then what would you do differently in that relationship?" Most girls say they would be less likely to be sexual with their boyfriend.
• "The younger you start dating and the more often you date people, the higher your odds are of experiencing unhealthy relationship habits, negative feelings, depression, a poor self-image, sexual abuse, rape, less relationship satisfaction, and a higher risk of suicide."
• "The average age difference for married couples in the United States is just over two years. The average difference in age between teen girls who get pregnant and the guys who get them pregnant is 6.2 years."

The back of the book has a study guide that has questions that would be great conversation starters.