Ultrasound

Many times a pregnant teen may not know exactly how long she has been pregnant when her parents discover her pregnancy. This is especially common for younger teens.

An ultasound (or sonogram) can provide the age of the baby fairly accurately. If your OB/GYN is not able to see your pregnant daughter right away, your daughter may qualify for an ultrasound at a pregnancy resource center that provides limited medical services. Find your closest pregnancy resource centers by calling OptionLine at 800-395-HELP. Then find out if any of them offer ultrasound. Sometimes a pregnancy center that does not offer ultrasound directly at their facility can provide a referral to other resources that do offer ultrasound.

Baby's First Year - Instruction Videos

Parenting.com has several short videos to help teach new moms some basics of caring for their child. Watch them with your pregnant daughter, the rest of your family (so they can learn how to help), and the baby's father (if he'll be in the picture). Discuss each one... did you learn a different technique when you were raising your children? Who will help your daughter with each of the tasks shown?

Video topics include: Baby blues, baby's development, baby's early reflexes, baby's first checkup, bathtime, bottlefeeding, breastfeeding - latching on, breastfeeding positions, caring for cradle cap and baby acne, caring for the umbilical cord, creating a bond with older siblings, jaundice, installing the car seat, picking up your baby, leaving the hospital, recovery for new moms, swaddling, helping your baby be a good sleeper, colic, using a thermometer, changing a diaper, and diaper rash.

2009 Military Fatherhood Award

The National Fatherhood Initiative and Lockheed Martin Military Fatherhood Award recognizes a father who goes above and beyond his duties as both serviceman and dad to make sure he and his family stay connected and strong. The awardee and his family will be brought to Washington, DC for the awards ceremony where he'll receive a custom engraved award and mentions in local and national press! Show your dad just how much he means to you -- and that he's worthy of an award! Nominate a military father.

Travel arrangements subject to change based on awardee's deployment situation and location. Please see the NFI's full terms and conditions and their FAQs.

Priorities and Goals

The National Fatherhood Initiative has an article titled "Resolutions for All Your Roles." This makes a great discussion topic for your family meeting. If the baby's father will be involved with the baby, make him a part of this discussion too. Give each person a piece of paper and a pen.

1) Brainstorm all the roles each person plays, and write them down. For example, mother/father, husband/wife, brother/sister, employee/volunteer, student, sports team player, friend, etc.

2) Pick the five most important roles from this list.

3) Create goals for each role, for this year. See our previous post about making goals.

Example goals for mothers and fathers:

• Schedule time each week for kids
• Start or keep traditions
• Hug your kids each day
• Talk to your kids about tough stuff
• Teach your kids about money
• Be healthy together

Example goals for husbands and wives:

• Schedule a monthly date night
• Kiss your spouse every day
• Listen more
• Engage in conversation over dinner
• Help each other with taking care of the kids and household chores

Example goals for employees and students:

• Get organized
• Take the initiative on projects and assignments
• Create a plan to keep work/school in balance with family time
• Develop your leadership skills

Example goals for sons and daughters:

• Talk to your parents regularly
• Remember important family events like birthdays and anniversaries
• Plan ways to spend time with family regularly

Secret Life of the American Teenager - Season 1 Episode 15

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Videos"). Here are a few points from Season 1 Episode 15, with some items to discuss with your teens.

The summary for this episode reads "Amy has a chance to learn the sex of her baby. Ricky breaks up with Grace."

Ben wants to go with Amy to the doctor's appointment to be with her during the sonogram and take pictures. Ben's dad points out that this is a very personal and emotional moment, that Amy probably doesn't want Ben there. When Ben asks Amy, he is surprised to find out that his dad was right...Amy thinks it would be very awkward for Ben to be at the sonogram. Ben asks Amy to think about letting him be present at the birth of the baby, which she also feels would be very awkward.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about her thoughts about giving birth. Who would she be comfortable with being there? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "The baby is born" and "The dedication service" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" because they help your daughter make plans for her birth experience.

Amy's family learns that Ricky's dad is seeking to make a profit from the adoption of Amy's baby. Fortunately, the adoption process through a legal and reputable agency or lawyer is carefully regulated. The Complete Adoption Book: Everything You Need to Know to Adopt a Child has a section called "Supporting a Birth Mother Financially" (which you can read online here, look near the bottom of the page) which gives a good overview of what financial help a birth mother might be able to ask for. State law dictates what an adopting family can and can not pay for. This book section says, "All such financial assistance should be handled through your agency or attorney. Your attorney should give the final approval, with funds coming through his trust account. In most states, a judge must approve these expenses, usually at the time of the adoption hearing." So if someone interested in adopting your daughter's child is pressuring you to handle things differently, be very wary. Some expenses that your pregnant daughter who is choosing adoption may be able to ask for help with include: medical care (if she is not covered by insurance and does not qualify for medicaid), counseling during the pregnancy and up to six weeks after birth, living expenses (rent, phone, utilities, food, gas, etc.), and lost wages. Talk to your agency or attorney about your needs.

At the end of the episode, Amy starts making a video for her son, explaining her reasons for choosing adoption. She explains how her entire family loves him, and all her friends love him too. Amy says, "And that's why we want to make sure you have the best home possible, with the best family possible. I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make sure that happens for you. To make sure you get all that life has to offer, because that's what my parents did for me."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about this. What qualities does she desire for the "best home possible" and the "best family possible" for her child? Is she able to provide those qualities with your help? Is someone else in your family able to better meet those qualities? Or would finding an adoptive home better meet those qualities? No family is perfect. Urge your daughter to take the time to learn about adoption, to think about parenting and adoption, and take the time to make a careful decision no matter what she chooses.

Call your local pregnancy resource center to see what education they can offer on pregnancy, parenting, relationship skills, financial skills, adoption, and decision making skills. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?" and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for episode 15 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.

Early C-sections

A recent article titled "Study: Setting early C-sections puts babies at risk" summarizes a research study that shows that there are serious complications possible for babies born via an elective early c-section.

How early is too early? Waiting until after the 39th week of pregnancy is better, according to this research study. Babies born via elective c-section during weeks 37 and 38 had up to four times the risk of serious complications compared to elective c-sections after 39 weeks. Note the word 'elective' here ... these are c-sections that are timed for convenience, not for medically necessary reasons.

How much risk? The research study looked at 13,258 elective c-sections. 1,262 of those elective c-sections had some sort of complication: 15.3% chance of complication after 37 weeks, 11% chance of complication after 38 weeks, and 8% chance of complication after 39 weeks.

How often do these early c-sections happen? "The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has recommended since at least 1999 that patients wait 39 weeks or more before having an elective C-section". But more than 33% of the women in the research study had an elective c-section earlier than the 39 weeks recommended: 6% had one at 37 weeks, and 30% had one at 38 weeks.

Who has early c-sections? The women in the study who had an early c-section were white, married, and had medical insurance.

What complications are at risk?
For babies delivered during the 37th week: 4.2 times more likely to get respiratory distress syndrome (3.7% chance instead of 0.9% for babies born after week 39), 3 times more likely to be treated for hypoglycemia (2.4% risk vs 0.7% risk), and newborn sepsis (7% risk vs 2.5% risk). These babies were also twice as likely to be admitted to the neonatal intensive care unit, and almost 3 times likely to need more than 5 days of hospitalization.

For babies delivered during the 38th week: 2 times the risk for respiratory distress syndrome, 30-80% more risk of other serious complications.

Make sure your daughter talks to her doctor about the timing of an elective c-section. This procedure should not be taken lightly simply for convenience or because she is uncomfortable instead of true medical reason.

Dana's story

This real story (names changed) is exerpted from "Dana's Delight" written by Jeff Meredith, from the Care Net Report, Winter/Spring 2009. Copyright is held by Care Net.

When Dana found herself lost in Utica, New York, one night, the man who offered to help seemed nice enough. But it was a trap. He brutally raped her on the side of the road. It was a new low for a woman who had endured abuse and hardship her whole life. Yet in her darkest moment, God sowed the seeds of her redemption.

Dana suffered almost unimaginable cruelty growing up. By her early 30s, Dana had been married three times: including an adulterer, and an alcoholic who persuaded her to move to Alaska with him only to be devastated when he turned up in jail after a drunk driving arrest. The day he was scheduled for release, he was rearrested for a prior DUI and extradited to New York. Dana followed him to Utica, where she spent most of her lonely days at the jail waiting for visiting hours. It was just after a long day at the jail that the rape occurred. She had just moved to a new apartment and didn't know how to drive home. Police never caught the rapist.

Without friends of support, Dana suffered severe anguish. She would cry for days, entertain suicidal thoughts, and wash herself with bleach to "deal" with the rape. Two months after the rape, Dana received the biggest shock of her life. She was pregnant. Her husband urged her to abort the child, and her doctors also insisted abortion was her "best" option. So did her therapist. It seemed like circumstances couldn't get worse. But then a woman she had never met before called and said she was her husband's wife. That seemed utterly impossible. But when she confronted him, he admitted it was true.

With her "marriage" in tatters and pressure building on all sides to end her pregnancy, Dana felt lost. She wasn't sure what she needed, but she thought she might find it at a church. So one night, she decided to drive until she found one. When she stumbled into Calvary Gospel Church, she introduced herself to the pastor and met his wife. That kind, gentle woman listened to Dana's story and she told her she knew people who could help.

The very next day, the two of them went to a pregnancy center. For the first time in months, Dana felt safe and relaxed. Dana spoke to a peer counselor named Amy, unloading all of the conflicting questions plaguing her: "What if I can't love the baby? What if it looks like the rapist? Is it wrong to want to keep this child?" Amy listened and offered unconditional support. In the weeks and months ahead, Dana spoke repeatedly with Amy. She was always encouraged, but she still felt unsure. Three times she scheduled and missed abortion appointments. The first time, she came down with a cold. The second time she was rear-ended on the way to the appointment. Finally, on the third try, Dana realized the abortion clinic workers just didn't care about her. That's when she chose life.

Overjoyed, Dana told Amy about her decision. They rejoiced with her and helped her receive maternity clothes, baby clothes, and a bassinet. These wonderful gifts - strengthened by prayer, counsel, and friendship - finally helped Dana realize that out of that horrible rape and her anguished life, "God was creating something good."

The day her daughter was born, Dana felt overwhelmed with joy. As her labor ended and new life began, she suddenly understood what Amy had been sharing with her about God's unconditional love. Shortly after giving birth, Dana sent a note to Amy saying, "Thank you for sticking with me. I love my baby so much. If I had gone through with the abortion, I would be feeling so much despair. Instead I have so much love. I have never been happier."

Less than a year after her daughter's birth, Dana met a man who not only loves her but her daughter too. They've been married for four years now and he's adopted Dana's daughter. Today, Dana can say with total certainty that despite the unbelievable difficulty of her life, "I would do it all again for my baby."

Click here to watch a video of Dana sharing her story.

Dana's Story from Care Net on Vimeo.

Lydia's story

The following real story (names changed) is exerpted from the Winter/Spring 2009 Care Net Report, copyright by Care Net.

She was so poor, Lydia couldn't even afford electrical power for her tiny apartment. When she learned she was pregnant, she feared abortion was her only "realistic" option.

While searching the phone book for help, she discovered Care Net's OptionLine ad. A trained phone consultant encouraged her, and set up an appointment for her with a local pregnancy center.

When she arrived, a counselor began to show her that she had positive options. The pregnancy center helped her prepare for the practical issues of caring for another baby. And they referred her to a ministry that helps need families with utility bills.

It took time and payer, but Lydia finally chose life. Today she is the proud mom of a beautiful baby.

If you want to talk to a peer mentor, or you need help, call OptionLine at 800-395-HELP.

Jennifer's story

The following real story is exerpted from "Wanted: Someone to share the truth", an article written by Jeff Meredith, in the Care Net Report, Winter/Spring 2009. Copyright is held by Care Net.

Jennifer Dobbs is passionately pro-life because she understands firsthand the devastating emotional consequences of abortion. They almost destroyed her life. "When I was just 15," she says, "I learned I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, so I asked several of the adults in my life for guidance. Every one of them told me to get an abortion, because my child wasn't really a baby." I knew that wasn't true," she adds. "But how could I argue with grownups?" Not long after, she terminated her pregnancy. But that was never the "choice" she wanted to make. "What I wanted was the truth. I knew my baby was alive. But there was no one there to share that with me."

One year later, Jennifer found herself pregnant again. This time, she refused to have an abortion. She married the child's father and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. But the joys of motherhood – while genuine – were overwhelmed by the emotional pain and guilt she carried from the abortion. But in the midst of those struggles, God moved. When her daughter was four years old, "The Lord met me where I was, in my sadness and sin. He washed away the guilt and shame I couldn't deal with," Jennifer says. Then the Lord spoke clearly to her: "He wanted me to help others receive that same forgiveness for past abortion – and speak the truth about that procedure no one had shared with me."

Secret Life of the American Teenager - Season 1, Episode 14

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Videos"). Here are a few points from Season 1 Episode 14, with some items to discuss with your teens.

The summary for this episode reads "Ricky's father arrives in town with a plan for his son and the baby."

Amy is in the open garage talking to Ashley about how she can't find a job as a pregnant teenager. Amy wonders how she will support and raise a child without money from a job. Ashley asks why Ricky can't get a job, since he's not a pregnant teenager. Amy calls Ben to ask what he things about Amy calling Ricky to see what financial help he plans to provide. Ben says he doesn't want Amy to have anything to do with Ricky. Ben says he will get a job, but Amy says it's not his responsibility, it's Ricky's.


Talk to your pregnant daughter about this conversation. What are her current plans for supporting her child? What does her current job pay? If she doesn't currently have a job, what kinds of jobs is she qualified to get? What is the planned involvement of the baby's father? Will he be contributing financially?

As soon as Amy hangs up from talking with Ben, Ricky's dad Bob walks up the driveway to talk to Amy. Amy quickly closes the garage door. So Bob goes to the front door and talks to Amy's dad instead. Bob tells Amy's dad that Ricky is a liar and will not help Amy financially or any other way, no matter what he promises. Bob offers to help the family any way he can, including financially, which Amy's dad is very interested in.

Amy overhears the conversation and sits down with her parents to tell them about Ricky seeing a therapist to help him deal with being sexually abused by his dad when he was young (which is why he claims he's in a foster home). Amy's dad points out that they don't know any facts one way or another, and her mom asks Amy if making a family with Ricky is a good idea. Amy's mom asks, "Wouldn't it be better to find a more stable family? Two responsible adults who want a child, who can afford a child, and who can take care of a child?" Amy replies that she's been thinking about everything her mom has said, so she asks her mom to "Call whoever you call to get a baby adopted." Amy's dad says, "I'm not so sure we should have our grandchild adopted."

It can seem that every decision surrounding your daughter's pregnancy is full of emotion, drama, strong opinions, and hurt feelings. We recommend that every single pregnant woman carefully research all of her options: marriage, single parenting, adoption. That way she can feel confident that she made an informed decision, not just an impulsive or emotional decision. Then, when she has a tough day later, she can look back without saying "I wish I had chosen something else."

Adrian's dad shows up at her apartment and they get to talking about Ricky. Adrian says that Ricky told her he was in a foster home because his parent sold drugs, his mom lives on the streets and his dad is in prison. Adrian's dad says that Ricky's dad is on parole and that he'll be looking for Ricky. Adrian's dad tries to convince her that Ricky doesn't care about her, as evidenced by the fact that he's out on a date with Grace, has fathered a baby with Amy, and yet will be coming over later that night to have sex with Adrian. Ricky laters tells Adrian that his father was in prison for robbing someone. But then tells Grace that his dad was in prison for hitting him "as well as other things" that his mother didn't stop from happening because she was too high.

Ricky's dad finally find Ricky on his date with Grace and says that he met Amy and her parents. He tells Ricky, "You're not planning on keeping the baby, are you? They don't think you'd make a very good father. Neither do I."

Ben and Amy are talking about the baby. Amy says, "I have to consider letting the baby be adopted. Even though I don't want to. I want to marry you and have the baby and live happily ever after. But I know that the baby will have a better chance at happily ever after if I find the right parents for her or him." Ben says, "Why?" Amy replies, "Ben, my baby needs a stable, loving home of two adult parents! We're not adults. And you're not even the father. Ricky is. And his dad is the grandfather. I have to at least consider it." Amy continues, "This can not be a decision based on emotion. This has to be a decision based on what's best for her or him."

Amy then talks to Ricky about considering adoption. She says she wants Ricky to go along with it. She says its about what's best for the baby and Ricky replies, "What if what I think is what's best for the baby is to know his or her birthparents? Maybe what's best for the baby is to grow up in your home, with me coming to see him or her." Amy says, "My parents aren't going to just raise the baby for me." Ricky replies, "Yeah, why should they? Why can't you? Why can't you and me do it? It's not like they're going to kick you out of the house or anything, is it? You'll still have a place to live, food to eat." Amy points out that neither of them have a job or insurance. Ricky replies, "Half the country doesn't have insurance. Half the country doesn't have a job. They don't just put their sons and daughters up for adoption because they can't pay a few bills." Amy says, "We're teenagers. We're in high school. I would like to graduate high school and go to college, have a career and eventually marry Ben. I just want to have a normal life." Ricky says, "I thought this wasn't about you. Amy, you're not going to have a normal life. I don't have a normal life. Lots of people don't have normal lives." Ricky tells Amy and then Ben that he will not agree to adoption.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these conversations. What points does she agree with? What points does she disagree with? Share your opinions too.

Amy's mom is talking to the pastor about adoption. He asks if that's what Amy wants. Amy's mom says, "Not really. She wants me to raise the baby. She wants to leave the baby with me while she's in school, then when she comes home from school I'll have dinner waiting for her and the baby clean and fed and she can go do her homework and maybe practice her french horn. And then on the weekends she can hang out with Ben and nothing really will have chaged except that there will be a baby." The pastor helps her see that she is acting a bit like Amy, what with divorcing her husband and wanting to go back to school without a job or money and expecting everything to stay pretty much the same.

Call your local pregnancy resource center to see what education they can offer on pregnancy, parenting, relationship skills, financial skills, adoption, and decision making skills. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?" and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for episode 14 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.

Pushed to the limit

This real story is exerpted from an article titled "Pushed to the limit" by Jeff Meredith, in the Care Net Report, Winter/Spring 2009. Copyright is held by Care Net.

Childbirth is stressful under the best of circumstances. But when a family is struggling with extreme poverty and other hardships, the prospect of raising a child can seem overwhelming. Two years ago, Yvonne Aguero's life was spiraling out of control ... fast. First, her husband lost his job. Then, on her way to work one day, she was in a bad car wreck. With finances already tight, they couldn't afford to fix the car – and she could no longer commute to work. As a result, Yvonne says, "We were living at a motel – and we were not getting along at all. There were a lot of fights." Then Yvonne discovered she was pregnant.

Yvonne didn't want an abortion, but as her husband said, "I can't see having a baby in these conditions." The young couple didn't know what to do. Yvonne didn't want an abortion, but she already had two children she couldn't take care of who were living with her mother. And as her husband said, "I can't see having a baby in these conditions." Yvonne's family offered to help ... but only if she agreed to abort her baby. Yvonne knew abortion was wrong. But how could she argue, when she could hardly take care of herself – let alone the children she already had? "It was the most hopeless feeling I've ever had in my life," she says. "I wanted to die. I didn't see any way out." Even at her darkest moments though, Yvonne was certain "I can't live with an abortion. This child is mine and it's a blessing."

Yvonne found a pregnancy center in the yellow pages. When Yvonne discovered these resources were available for her, she called to make an appointment right away. Despite the crushing stress in Yvonne's life, that first meeting gave her the confidence she needed to choose life. The day after that meeting, Yvonne's situation already began to improve. That's when she and her husband were accepted to a shelter for families, and they were reunited with her two older children. When Yvonne gave birth to her daughter, it helped heal the rifts with her husband and family. "She's brought all of my family back together. She's been a blessing to her dad. It's just amazing."

Smoking and pregnancy

A research study will be published that gives pregnant women another reason to stop smoking.

This study shows that smoking changes the thyroid hormone levels in both pregnant woman and her preborn child. When thyroid levels are not where they are supposed to be, there is an "increased risk of miscarriage, premature birth, low birth weight and impaired neuropsychological development of the baby."

If your pregnant daughter smokes, talk to her about the dangers it holds for her and her child. Help her quit smoking, and brainstorm with her ways she can deal with the cravings and the habit she has developed. Help her set aside the money she would have spent on cigarettes to be used instead for her future baby expenses.

Understanding birth statistics

Recently there has been a lot of hysterical press coverage about the changes in teen birth data. Let's look at one aspect of the data: statistical significance. This looks like a scary math term, but it's really not that bad.

Wikipedia's article about "statistical significance" says the following. "In statistics, a result is called statistically significant if it is unlikely to have occurred by chance. "A statistically significant difference" simply means there is statistical evidence that there is a difference; it does not mean the difference is necessarily large, important, or significant in the common meaning of the word."

For a data point to be statistically significant, it has to be just larger than the cutoff point. For example, if the cutoff point was 0.05, then a data point of 0.05001 would be statstically significant. Interestingly, the cutoff point can be chosen by the researcher. There are standard choices, but the researcher can choose any of them.

Using the interactive tool that looks at the 2006 teen birth data, the following states had changes that were not statistically significant. In other words, the birth data changes for these states is small enough that it could be random fluctuation: Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico, Colorado, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Indiana, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachussets, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine.

Another point to remember is that the data represented in the interactive tool above includes both married and unmarried teens. As I posted the other day: Table 18 in the CDC report shows percent of births to UNmarried women:
Under 15 years of age: 98.3% (a few under age 15 are married!)
Age 15: 96.8% unmarried births (3.2% married)
Age 16: 93.3% unmarried (6.7% married)
Age 17: 90.0% unmarried (10.0% married)
Age 18: 84.4% unmarried (15.6% married)
Age 19: 77.8% unmarried (22.2% married, almost 1/4)

I wonder what would happen to the birth data in the interactive tool if we looked only at births to unmarried teens. Would some states drop out of the statistically significant change?

Secret Life of the American Teenager - Season 1, Episode 13

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Videos"). Here are a few points from Season 1 Episode 13, with some items to discuss with your teens.

The summary for this episode reads "Amy and Ben learn their marriage is not legal. Anne and George share a brief reconcilliation. Tom wants to marry his new girlfriend."

The show opens at the wedding parlor where Amy & Ben just got married. Ricky and Grace are talking to Grace's brother Tom and his new girlfriend. Tom wants to marry his new girlfriend Tammy, and Grace keeps saying they can't get married because they don't know each other. Talk to your kids about this. How long do they think they should know someone before marrying them? What kinds of things should they know about the person, and how would they find those things out?

Tom has given Grace's promise ring to his new girlfriend and Grace wants it back. Tom asks, "Why, are you afraid you're going to 'accidentally' have sex with Ricky?" Grace responds, "There's no such thing as accidental sex." Talk to your kids about this. Many people say that they didn't intend to have sex..it somehow 'just happened.' How does this happen? What can your kids do to avoid this?

Adrian is talking to her dad after the wedding and says that Amy is having Ricky's baby but now that she's married to Ben it's Ben's baby. What do your kids think about this logic? If your pregnant daughter will not be marrying her baby's father, what qualities does she want in her future husband? How does she imagine he will feel about raising another man's child?

When Ben is talking to the guidance counselor, Ben says he should have told Amy that he thought it was a bad idea to get married but that he loves her and wants to marry her. Mr. Molina (guidance counselor) says Ben is too young to get married and Amy's parents don't want her to get married. Ben replies, "I think that if she's old enough to have a baby, she's old enough to make this decision." Mr. Molina says, "You think it's a good decision to get married?" Ben answers, "If we had the support of our parents, I would certainly make that committment." Talk to your kids about this conversation. How old do they think they should be before they get married? What do they think about Ben's statement that if Amy is old enough to have a baby she's old enough to decide to get married? How important do your kids think it is that they have your blessing to marry someone? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Should they marry?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy's mom arrives at Ben's house to confront Amy & Ben about their 'wedding'. Anne says that love is more than a feeling, its about doing the right thing always. Talk to your kids about this. What is love? How can you tell the difference between emotions and real love?

Amy admits she thought that if she married Ben then his dad could pay for a nanny so that Amy could go to school and a job. Amy says that Ricky should help pay for daycare, since he's the father. Ben says he doesn't know if they want Ricky to be involved. Anne reminds them that Ricky is legally involved and he has said he wants to be involved. Amy asks if they can change Ricky's legal status and Anne says she doesn't think so since Ricky wants to be involved. Amy admits she thought that marrying Ben would remove Ricky from the picture. Talk to your pregnant daughter about this. How will her baby's father be invovled in the future? What kind of involvement does he currently desire? Does the baby's father desire co-custody of the child? See if you can work out an agreement (in writing) before involving a lawyer or the courts in any custody dispute. But if agreement is not possible, consult a lawyer. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" and "The importance of a father" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Anne says they need a plan that can be acted upon. She says Amy needs to figure out how she will arrange childcare so she can go to school and a job, or she needs to think seriously about adoption. Anne says, "Whatever choice you make, Amy, it has to be about what is right for your child, not what is easiest for you." Talk to your pregnant daughter about this conversation. What is her current plan for finishing school, working, and childcare? Has your daughter investigated adoption so she can make an informed decision about whether it is right for her child? You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should she parent alone?" and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for episode 13 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

8 Traits of Teens Who Abstain From Sex

The blog post in the title is on US News and discusses how abstainance provides better outcomes for teens though the same is true of any age group. At the bottom of the post, Dr. Healy lists 8 character traits that would really be of benefit to your pregnant daughter:

1. Future orientation, with a focus on long-term goals. Whether your daugher plans to marry the baby's father, parent alone, or choose a family to raise her child in adoption, help her figure out where she wants her life to be in one year, five years and ten years. What goals can she aim for that would motivate her to postpone current pleasure and to persevere? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" from our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
2. Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards. As a parent yourself, you know how often your daughter will need to practice this trait when she is mothering a child and must put the needs of the child first. If your daughter is choosing adoption, she is also practicing this trait.
3. Perseverance, as in the ability to stick to a task or commitment. Your pregnant daughter will need perseverance no matter what course she chooses. If she marries the baby's father, she'll need perseverance as she takes on the new roles of wife and mother. If she parents alone, she'll need perseverance to care not only for every need of the child but also to improve her own situation for a positive future. If she is choosing adoption, she'll need perseverance to stick to that committment even when it is emotionally painful.
4. A belief that current behavior can positively affect the future. Your pregnant daughter needs to believe that her current behaviors of healthy eating, appropriate exercise, finishing school, not smoking or doing drugs, etc. can have a clear affect on her future and the future of her child. If she doesn't see the connection between behavior and the outcomes of the future, she is not likely to make positive choices.
5. Impulse control, including ability to control emotions and desires. This is a vital behavior for all men and women who are parenting children. This is a vital behavior in any relationship such as marriage. How can you help your daughter practice thinking and self control before taking action?
6. Resistance to peer influence. I would add the adjective "negative" here...some peer influence can be positive and help your daughter make good choices, but she needs to learn how to resist negative influence that leads her down the wrong path.
7. Respect for parental and social values. I would modify this one too. Some social values these days just aren't healthy. Society seems to value only those who are very slim, beautiful, and sexy. These kinds of values do not help her have a positive sense of self-worth and personal dignity. Society's values often conflict with the family and religious values that have will a more positive effect on her life.
8. Sense of self-worth and personal dignity. The best source of an accurate sense of self-worth and dignity (neither too poor nor too over-inflated) comes from understanding how God views us as His creations.

If your children have demonstrated some of these characteristics in the past, point out these times to your kids and tell them you are proud of them. Praise your children when they demonstrate these characteristics now, and talk to them about what they could have done differently when they fail.

Final Birth Statistics for 2006

The CDC released their final analysis of birth data for 2006. Here are a few of the statistics they highlight in the report.

A total of 4,265,555 births were registered in the United States in 2006, 127,206 more births (or 3 percent higher) than in 2005. According to Table 5 in the report, the total breaks down into the following ethnic groups:
718,146 births to Mexican women in America (a 3.6% increase compared to 2005)
66,932 births to Puerto Rican women (a 5.7% increase compared to 2005)
16,936 births to Cuban women in America (a 5.4% increase compared to 2005)
165,321 births to women in America that are from Central and South America (a 9.3% increase compared to 2005)
71,742 births to women of other Hispanic origin in America (a 16.3% increase compared to 2005)
617,247 births to Black women (5.7% increase compared to 2005)
2,308,640 to White women (a 1.3% increase compared to 2005)

The number of births to teenagers aged 15-19 was 414,593 in 2005 and 435,436 in 2006.

The number of births to girls under the age of 15 was 6,722 in 2005 and 6,396 in 2006. In 2006, 98% of the 6,396 births in this group were to teens aged 13-14. 100 girls under the age of 15 gave birth to their second child, and 5 girls gave birth to their third child before the age of 15.

For college-aged women, age 20-24, 1,080,437 gave birth in 2006. About half of these college aged women had their first birth (518,540), while 359,744 gave birth for a second time, 143,499 gave birth for the third time, and 40,472 gave birth for the fourth time.

The above statistics include women that are married!
Table 18 in the CDC report shows percent of births to UNmarried women:
Under 15 years of age: 98.3% (a few under age 15 are married!)
Age 15: 96.8% unmarried births (3.2% married)
Age 16: 93.3% unmarried (6.7% married)
Age 17: 90.0% unmarried (10.0% married)
Age 18: 84.4% unmarried (15.6% married)
Age 19: 77.8% unmarried (22.2% married, almost 1/4)
Age 20-24: 57.9% unmarried (42.1% married)
Age 25-29: 31.0% unmarried (69% married)

The number of births outside marriage (for women aged 15-44) was 8% higher in 2006 than it was in 2005 and 20% higher than it was in 2002. The proportion of all births to unmarried women reached 38.5% of all U.S. births in 2006, up from 36.9% in 2005.

Teens and Dating Violence

According to the ABC news article linked in the title of this post, "one in 10 high school girls report being abused by a boyfriend, according to the Department of Justice. And high school girls are exposed to three times more abuse in relationships than adult women."

The National Violence Prevention Resource Center outlines warning signs for parents:

• Does the individual have unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries?
• Do you see signs that the individual is afraid of his/her boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend seem to try to control the individual’s behavior, making all of the decisions, checking up on his/her behavior, demanding to know who the individual has been with, and acting jealous and possessive?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend lash out, criticize, or insult the individual?
• Does the individual apologize for the boyfriend or girlfriend’s behavior to you and others?
• Has the individual casually mentioned the boyfriend or girlfriend’s temper or violent behavior, but then laughed it off as a joke?
• Have you seen the boyfriend or girlfriend be abusive towards other people or things?
• Does the individual seem to have lost interest or to be giving up things that were once important? Has he/she lost interest in school or other activities?
• Has the individual's appearance or behavior suddenly changed?
• Has the individual stopped spending time with friends and family?
• Have you seen sudden changes in the individual’s mood or personality. Is the individual becoming anxious or depressed, acting out, or being secretive? Is the individual avoiding eye contact, having ‘crying jags’ or getting ‘hysterical?’
• Has the individual recently started using alcohol or drugs?

How can you talk to your kids about dating violence? The Katie Brown Education Program offers these tips:

1. Think about the things you value in your own relationships - then share them with your kids.
How do we, as adults, expect men and women to act? How should people behave if they disagree? How should decisions be made in a relationship? Be sure that you can explain your reasoning and can support it with examples.

2. Reveal the "Unspoken Rules of Dating". Don't assume that your son or daughter knows how to behave in a dating relationship. Give them clear examples of appropriate manners, actions, etc. It's important to talk with them about what you expect of them, rather than letting locker room or slumber party talk be their only source of information.

3. Tell the whole truth...good and bad. Young people generally view dating very romantically - they are excited and expect their relationships to be filled only with pleasure and happiness. Support these expectations, but discuss some of the less positive things that may happen. It can be challenging to know how to act when strong feelings are involved, but give them a few suggestions or phrases to help them get out of difficult situations. For instance, "I'm not comfortable with this - can we talk about it?"

4. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness. One of the most powerful things we learn from our parents is to speak up for ourselves - to state our feelings, opinions, and desires clearly. Compliment your kids when they respectfully assert themselves.

5. Teach anger control. It's not realistic to assume that everyone will get along all the time. Help your kids recognize when they're getting angry and teach them to take a moment to stop and think before they act on that anger.

6. Teach negotiation. Help your teens to understand that compromising and "taking turns" are positive steps to healthy relationships. Also help them to understand that violence, threats, and insults have no place in respectful relationships.

7. Teach problem solving. When your teen is confronted with a tough issue, have them talk through exactly what happened and what may have caused the situation. Work with them to identify several different ways in which the situation may be resolved. Follow up with them to see which solution they chose and how it is working out.

8. Explain the WARNING SIGNS (above). No relationship goes smoothly at all times. However, there are signs that a relationship has more than the usual ups and downs. Know the warning signs, teach them to your kids, and help them to understand that any incidence of violence in a relationship is a predictor of very serious problems.

9. Keep no secrets. Let your kids know that while special shared thoughts are okay in a relationship, sometimes secrecy - particularly when it isolates them from other friends or family - can be the first sign of manipulation and coercion.

10. Be the ultimate role model. Talk the talk and walk the walk. If you want your kids to respect themselves and others, let them see your relationships as the ultimate examples of healthy relationships.

Health Risk Behaviors on MySpace

The Time magazine article linked in the title of this post summarizes a recent research study that looked at 500 MySpace profiles of American 18 years olds. "Nearly 54% of the selected profiles revealed details about risky sexual lifestyles, drug addictions and violent encounters with peers."

The Time summary points out that the research approach employed here seems unrealistic, but still shows that teens may be oversharing personal information on the Internet. Are your children being safe on social sites such as MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, and others? Internet predators are real. Time magazine had another article titled "How safe is MySpace?" which said "a survey conducted by the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire found that nearly 1 in 5 kids had received unwanted sexual solicitations over the Internet. And a March 2006 survey partly funded by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children reported that 14% of teens have actually met face to face with someone they had known only through the Internet. "

Ask to see your children's profile, and read the comments that others leave on your children's pages. This is not an invasion of privacy because your children are sharing this information with strangers on the Internet. Talk to your kids about their safety and the dangers of meeting people they know only from the Internet, especially if this person is a romantic connection.

Season 1 Episode 12 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Videos"). Here are a few points from Season 1 Episode 12, with some items to discuss with your teens.

The summary for this episode reads "After being informed that she will need to find a job to support her baby, Amy makes a rushed decision with Ben."

Amy comes into the kitchen where her mom is having coffee and orders breakfast as if she were at a restaurant. Amy's mom says that sounds good and she'd like the same thing. Amy is confused that her mom isn't making her food and says, "I'm pregnant. I've been in school all week and I'm tired." Mom says she's tired too, suggests that Amy could use some practice cooking, and reminds Amy that when she has the baby she's going to have to take care of the baby and herself too, that the baby is her responsibility. Amy says she thought she would do all of her normal activities (school, band, etc.) and that she assumed that her mom would babysit while she was at school. But Amy's mom says she has to get a job. Amy says, "But where's the baby going to be, Mom, if you're at work and I'm at school?" Mom says, "Well, that's up to you. And it's also up to you to pay for any childcare that comes with the baby, don't you think?" Amy replies, "No, not really."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about her current plans for childcare while she is at school or at a job. How much are you willing to help her with childcare? Will you charge her money for this service? What arrangements will your daughter need to make for the baby when you are not available to provide childcare?

What household activities does your daughter currently help with? Does she know how to cook for herself or the family? What other parenting skills like cooking and cleaning does she currently help with? What household activities does she need to start helping with so that she is able to take care of a family?

Amy's dad comes in to the kitchen and says, "I don't smell any breakfast in here. Grandpa needs a cup of coffee." Though it may be scary, have you started thinking of yourself as a grandparent yet? You should start getting used to this idea, because you are a grandparent now even though the grandchild is not yet outside the womb. Your daughter is also currently a mother, not a mother-to-be. You both need to start thinking of her as a mother and work on getting her the skills she needs to be a good mother.

Amy's mom tells her husband that she wants him to move out and that she wants a divorce. Though this couple has infidelity to deal with in addition to Amy's pregnancy, how is your daughter's pregnancy affecting your own marriage? Are you and your husband able to come together to talk and solve problems, or are you tearing each other apart with blame and anger?

Amy goes to a coffee shop to meet with Ben (saying that she's applying for a job there) and explains that her mom will be getting a job and can't provide childcare. Amy tells Ben they should elope with fake IDs, that same day. Ben agrees to the plan, saying "We were going to get married in a few years anyway, so why not!"

Amy's mom asks Amy how much she'll be making at the coffee shop job and how much childcare will cost. Mom says, "I really hope you can handle working and going to school and being a mother." How much does childcare cost in the various facilities and homes near you? Would a coffee shop job in your town pay enough to cover the childcare costs?

Amy & Ben's secret "wedding" spirals out of control, with the secret spreading rapidly around school as more and more friends seek fake IDs to take part in the wedding or reception. Teen marriages do have a chance to succeed, but only if both families are supportive of the couple and will agree to mentor their relationship.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for episode 12 (pdf).

You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", and "Childcare responsibilities" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

Free book and enewsletter

Sign-up for “nutrition e-news” and receive a complementary copy of the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". Register for your free book at DuetDHA.com.

Resolutions

The National Fatherhood Initiative suggests these resolutions for Dads in particular, but these are great for all parents (both yourself as a parent and your pregnant daughter as a parent):

1. SCHEDULE time for your kids. Don't let time with your children be whatever is leftover in your work schedule. Spending time is how you show love. So intentionally schedule blocks of time dedicated to your kids during the week and during the weekend, and then guard those appointments just as you would guard an important meeting or a doctor's visit. With a pregnant daughter, you need to make sure you spend emotional energy on your other children too...they need time when they are the center of your attention instead of worrying about all the issues surrounding your pregnant daughter.
2. Start traditions. "These don't have to be huge and/or time consuming. Bath time, bed time stories, helping with homework, weekend movies together - whatever it is, do it on a consistent basis."
3. Hug your kids, every day. Virginia Satir, a family therapist, said that "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
4. Talk to your kids about tough stuff. In addition to drugs, violence, and what's going on in the world, you have plenty of tough topics to address when you have a pregnant daughter! Your kids probably have questions. Spend some private time with each one and ask them what they are thinking about their pregnant sister. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the tough topics like how she will finish her education, whether adoption or parenting is best for her and the baby, and her future. Try to have frequent, shorter discussions rather than long exhausting debates!
5. Teach your kids about money. Show them how much the bills for your family are each month. Take out a calculator and have them figure out how many hours they would have to work to pay the bill at $6 an hour (and other wages). When they want to buy something, ask them to figure out how many hours of work that item represents before they put it in the shopping cart. Include lessons about tithing and saving, too! Take your pregnant daughter to the grocery store and compare the prices of formula versus breastfeeding, and of cloth diapers versus disposable ones.
6. Be healthy. Your pregnant daughter needs to be eating as healthy as possible, and getting appropriate exercise. Why not get your whole family to join her in her exercise and new eating habits?

Goals for the New Year

Rather than create a New Year's Resolution, sit down with your entire family and talk about each person's goals for this new year.

A goal is something that they can accomplish completely through their own effort. Compare this to a desire, which can only be accomplished with the cooperation of other people.

There are lots of areas in which you can set goals: Work, education, relaxation, relationships, spiritual, financial, health, etc.

First have everyone list some ideas on their own paper. Then review each one and decide if it is a goal or a desire.

Next analyze the goals, using the acronym SMARTPLUS. The quoted explanations below are from the book "Retire - And Start Your Own Business" by Dennis & Martha Sargent.

S = Specific. A goal should be focused.

M = Measureable. How will you know when the goal has been achieved?

A = Attainable. "If a goal is too easy, it's not likely to motiviate you. If it's too hard, you may give up hope. Only you can decide how to challenge yourself without going overboard."

R = Rewarding. "Achieving your goal should make you feel great. It doesn't matter if anyone else recognizes your achievement, as long as you do. It should be something you really want, not something that someone else things you ought to do."

T = Timely. "Setting a time frame for a goal will help to ensure that you spend time on it. You may have daily goals, monthly goals and lifetime goals."

P = Positive. "It's usually much more effective to stat your goals in a positive way" because it is a better motivator. State what you will do, not what you won't do.

L = Linked. "Link your goals to the balance of work, play, and learning you envision."

U = Unbundled. Does your goal contain subgoals that you can break out into steps?

S = Shifting. "A key to achieve your goals is maintaining focus, but don't think this means your goals are set in stone. Goals can, and do, change. That's why it's important to keep an eye on your progress and consider whether your goals need adjustment."

Now write out goal statements. For each goal, write answer to these questions: "I will know I've met this goal when:...." and "I will accomplishg this goal by/within:...."