Episode 5 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Episode 5 starts with Ben & Amy having a picnic and supposedly studying. While Amy is eating, Ben says, "I love you, Amy Jurgens." She replies, "Thanks, me too." Talk with you teens about love. Do your kids think that 15 years olds can experience real love? Or is it just hormones and infatuation? How can you tell the difference between love and infatuation? How long do your kids think it might take to realize love vs infatuation in a relationship? Ben & Amy have only been dating a few weeks...could Ben really be experiencing real love for Amy at this point? Remember, Ben started dating Amy because he wanted to have sex and he "had to start somewhere." Amy was picked out for Ben by his friend, saying that she was probably the only one desperate enough to be willing to date him.

There is a sequence of happy family images: a young couple is pushing their small baby in a stroller, an older couple is walking hand in hand, talking and smiling. Ben gets down on one knees, opens a ring box, and asks Amy if she will marry him. The silly plan that Amy's friends had dreamed up (getting Ben to marry her, pretending its his baby) appears to be happening. Talk to your kids about this scene. What do they think was realistic about it, and what was fantasy about it? What do they think of Ben's actions? What about his motives? Several generations ago it was common to marry in the teen years. Do your kids think there are any circumstances in which 15 year olds should get married these days?

Amy starts to cry. The small baby starts to cry, the older couple appears to fight. As Amy tries to ask Ben whether he knows she's pregnant, he keeps repeating that he loves her. Amy asks who told Ben she was pregnant, and he says his dad suspected. Amy says, "You're such a nice person. I'm such a whore." Talk to your kids about this. Amy obviously feels self-condemnation and regret. Do your kids think that Amy's sexual activity with Ricky was whorish?

Amy asks Ben, "What am I going to do?" He says, "Well, marry me of course." Amy replies, "I can't get married, my parents will never let me -- I'm only 15. I'm not even sure they're going to let me do this [indicating her pregnancy]. Maybe they'll want me to get an abortion or something." Ben replies, "No. No, Amy, you don't have to do that. I'm here for you." He continues that they can tell everyone that he is the father of the baby.

Amy says, "I am so stupid. And I lied to you. I had sex with Ricky. It was awful sex, though, I mean it only lasted like two seconds and I wasn't sure it even was sex until this happened."

Ricky is at Grace's house, talking to her brother. Grace's brother says "Guys play football for the same reason you play the drums: to get girls." What do your kids think about this? Why do they think that football players and drummers appear to have girls throwing themselves at them all the time?

In the kitchen, Grace is talking with her parents. Grace's mom says "We didn't say you could date [Ricky], in fact at this point we're not sure we'll ever let you date again." What do your kids think about this? Is not dating for a time a reasonable consequence for Grace having lied and snuck around to see Jack?

Amy & Ashley's dad is walking out the door when Ashley stops him to confront him. She asks if he is cheating on her mother and he denies it and says its time for her to grow up and realize that things don't alway work out like you want them to. Ashley tries to bargain with him, "Please don't go, okay? I promise I'll do anything you want. I mean, I'll wear long skirts or high jeans. I won't wear makeup, and I won't dye my hair and I'll get good grades and I'll make decent friends like you're always telling me to. Just, Dad, please." Ashley's dad says they're not getting divorced, just taking a break, just taking time alone to think.

Jack & Adrian are talking at her apartment, and Jack reveals that his step-dad is Reverend Stone. Adrian comments that the sermon had been about personal responsibility, and Jack replies that the sermon was about making Grace look good so that Grace's dad will continue to give money to the church. We later learn that Jack only dated Grace because Jack's dad wanted to make sure Grace's family was happy at the church. We learn that Amy & Ashley's dad has been having an affair with Adrian's mom.

Amy comes home and is talking to Ashley about their dad leaving. Amy says she doesn't think she can have the baby. Ashley agrees its probably a good idea not to have the baby. In the next scene, Ben & Amy are talking at her locker. Ben says, "Don't do it." Amy says, "I have to. I don't have any choice." Talk to your kids. What options does Amy have? Why does she feel like she doesn't have a choice?

Ben replies, "You do have a choice. I'm giving you a choice." Ben repeats that he wants to marry Amy. Amy says her parents will never let her get married, then, "They'll probably send me off to some home where the baby gets adopted and just tell all our friends that I had a disease and I went away for treatment." Ben says, "I'll tell them with you. And I'll tell them I want to marry you, and I'll even ask my dad to come if you think that will help. And no one is going to send you off to any other home other than mine. And no one can make you give up your baby if you don't want to." Amy asks, "Why are you so nice to me?" Ben says, "Because I love you." Amy replies, "Then please, help me get rid of this baby." Ben says, "No, no abortions." Amy says, "I'd rather do that than tell my parents. I never thought I could, but I think I have to. I know I'm being a coward, but I can't tell them, Ben." Why do your kids think Amy feels this way? If they were pregnant, would they rather have an abortion than tell you they were pregnant? What do you wish your kids would do if they were pregnant at 15 and you didn't know?

Ben says, "You have to make the decision, but I don't think this is a decision you want to make. You don't have to [abort]." Amy says, "Maybe it's what I want to do. Maybe it's the easiest thing." Ben says, "Maybe, but maybe not."

After Grace hears that Jack and Adrian did more than kiss, Grace bumps into Ricky. Ricky says, "Everyone has their own versions of the truth, and no one tells the truth all the time." Grace responds, "Still, there's only one truth no matter what story you tell. There's truth and then there's lies." What do your kids think about this. Is truth absolute or relative? Does each person have their own truth?

Amy is talking to her friends about whether people are talking about her being pregnant. One friend (Madison) suggests that Amy go home. Amy says, "If I left right now, in the middle of the day, I don't think I could ever come back. But if I stay, and nothing ever happens, then maybe people would think it was just a rumor and wasn't true." Amy asks her friends to help her get an abortion. Madison is Catholic, and is upset that Amy is talking about getting an abortion. Amy's other friend says, "It's her choice, and its a valid choice considering her age and the father." Amy's friend both encourage Amy to tell her mom that she's pregnant. Amy says she can't tell her mother because her dad left the family last night. Talk to your kids: If one of your kids was pregnant, what advice do they think their friends would give them? Would you want your daughter's friends to help her get an abortion without your knowledge?

Amy tells Dr. Hightower that she "already took care of it" and not to call any more. Dr. Hightower looks stunned. The school guidance counselor tries to get Amy to talk about being pregnant, but she denies that anything is wrong with her or at home. The guidance counselor then asks Ben if he is the father of Amy's baby. Assuming that Ben is the father, the counselor says, "It's not your decision to make. You might want to have some say in the decision. You might want to express your opinion. But it's not your decision to make. Encourage Amy to talk to her parents right away. And you go along with whatever it is she wants to do, or commit to taking responsibility for the next 18 years and beyond." What do your kids think about this? How much input should the father of the baby have in the fate of the baby? If one of your kids was pregnant, what would they want the baby's father to say and do?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also offers a discussion guide for episode 5 (PDF).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Improving Parenting Skills

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills. (Today's topic)
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

3. Improving parenting skills. Being a parent, you know that parenting can be frustrating at times, humorous at times, and exhausting at times. Teens who have not had extensive babysitting experience may not realize how tiring it is to supervise children. Teens who have done extensive babysitting may not realize that parenting is not always fun and games like it can be when caring for someone else's children for a few hours.

Help your pregnant teen or college student learn the parenting skills they need. Your local pregnancy help center may have a series of classes that covers infant care (bathing, feeding, etc.), child development (physical, emotional, mental), and parental coping skills (budgeting, time management, etc.). Other sources for these classes include local hospitals, schools, community centers, social services, churches, and other non-profit organizations.

Skills your daughter needs to develop as a parent:

1) Patience. Infants, toddlers, and children can all test a parent's patience in various ways.

2) Anger management. As children grow, they are constantly testing their boundaries. When parents lose their patience, they may become angry. Parents must learn to manage their anger so that they do not act abusively.

3) Communication. Infants start with very limited communication skills: basically, crying. After a few months infants learn to smile and laugh. As infants grow they learn to make speech sounds, but aren't yet speaking words and certainly not sentences. Your daughter needs to learn about the phases of communication her child will grow through and how she can communicate with her child at each phase.

4) Listening and responding. Listening skills are definitely part of communication, but they deserve special notice. True listening is not something we do naturally... it takes training to really listen instead of just wait until you can start talking. Likewise, responding is more than just waiting until you can get a word in edgewise. There is a difference between reacting and responding. Your daughter needs to learn how to respond, not react.

4) Health care. Your daughter needs to learn about how to take care of her child. She needs to be able to recognize sickness, how to handle accidents and injuries, and when she should call the doctor. Your daughter needs to follow through with immunization appointments for her child. Your daughter also needs to take care of her own health. For example, if your daughter becomes depressed after giving birth, she will have a difficult time being a good parent.

5) Teaching. Your daughter is a teacher for your grandchild... she teaches everything from reading to how to handle emotions to the difference between right and wrong.

6) Discipline. Discipline should be teaching, not punishment. Infants are not able to know the difference between right and wrong. Parents need to learn about appropriate discipline at each stage of their child's growth, and how to express discipline with love not anger. Responding (not reacting) skills are important in discipline.

7) Coping skills. Sometimes everything just gets overwhelming. How does your daughter cope when she is overwhelmed? Does she drink alcohol? Yell? Hit? All parents need to learn about how to cope with the frustrations of life.

8) Decision-making skills. As a parent, your daughter will be making hundreds of decisions a day. Some are small (what to wear), some are big decisions. Parents need to learn how to make decisions in a reasoned way, not merely following their emotions of the moment.

Learning how to be a good parent takes time. After all, the child keeps growing into new phases of development, which means a parent has something new to learn! Your daughter needs your help learning about good parenting skills. Help her find books, classes, support groups, and other resources that can help her become the best parent possible.

A Second (or Third, or...) Teen Pregnancy

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies. (Today's topic)
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

2. Preventing subsequence adolescent pregnancies. According to a report evaluating data from 2002, 20-25% of teen mothers give birth to a second child before they turn 20 years old. This report says,

"An additional birth to a teen mother shortly after her first birth appears to be associated with increased difficulties for the mother, for the outcome of the second pregnancy, and for her children. For the mother, an additional birth is associated with reduced ability to complete her education or to attain economic self-sufficiency. There may also be increased risk of preterm delivery, low birthweight, and infant mortality—although the evidence in these areas is mixed. If a teen mother gives birth again as a teenager or shortly thereafter, her children are more likely to have reduced educational achievement and possibly behavioral problems— problems that may be explained, in part, by the inadequate education of the mothers themselves or by the poverty and lifestyle of the family as a result of school failure and the inability to secure employment."

If your teen daughter should become pregnant another time before she turns 20, it may seem like abortion is a solution. However, abortion carries physical and emotional risks too. If your daughter aborts her second child and then feels deep regret and seeks to get pregnant again with an "atonement child" her situation was not improved by the abortion. A healthier solution is for your daughter to pursue sexual integrity. Sexual integrity is more than abstaining from sex until marriage, it is developing healthy attitudes and actions in all areas of human sexuality. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", read the chapter titled "Restoring Sexual Integrity". Sexual integrity, including abstinence until marriage, is the only 100% effective way for your daughter to avoid a repeat pregnancy and to avoid infection with a sexually transmitted disease. In addition, sexual integrity protects her emotions, unlike condoms and pills.

Dr. Doug Rosenau is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta. He is the author of A Celebration of Sex (Thomas Nelson). Dr. Rosenau has written overviews of "Eight Skills for Sexual Integrity", which are very worthwhile reading and discussing with all of your children. These articles are written for male readers, so discuss with your daughters how the same concept can be applied to them.

Sexual Integrity Skill One: Plug into God's thinking and power
Sexual Integrity Skill Two: Meet nonsexual needs nonsexually
Sexual Integrity Skill Three: Discipline sexual fantasies and surges
Sexual Integrity Skill Four: Embrace masculinity and enjoy moms, sisters and daughters
Sexual Integrity Skill Five: Cultivate covenant monogamy and passionate intimacy
Sexual Integrity Skill Six: Make positive pre- and post-temptation choices
Sexual Integrity Skill Seven: Run to God's ER when broken
Sexual Integrity Skill Eight: Create practical theologies for doubtful issues

Help your pregnant daughter with: Completing her education

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. We also talked about how education or job skills training would help your daughter and your grandchild long term. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation. (Today's topic)
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's behavior, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Lets look at each in turn. Today's topic is:

1. Help your daughter remain in school until graduation. To improve your daughter's chance at getting a job that pays enough to support her and your grandchild, your daughter needs at least a high school diploma or GED. If she can get some college completed (even a two-year associate's degree) it would be even better. Instead of college, your daughter may be interested in a certified job training program that can give her employable skills. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", read the chapter titled "Completing School" for ideas about how to pursue education goals. Your daughter will probably need to find child care in order to complete this education goal. Will you offer her free babysitting? Will you charge her for babysitting? Will she pay a daycare center? Is she eligible for day care assistance from the local/state government? Is there child care at her current school? Or at another school that she could transfer to? Read the "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" chapter titled "Childcare responsibilities" that gives pointers on how to evaluate childcare options.

Newsweek: "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style"

Newsweek recently had an online article titled "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style." Take a few minutes to read the article, then come back. We'll wait for you.

"It's the missing three C's: there's little commitment, no mention of contraception and rarely do we see negative consequences," says Jane Brown, a journalism professor at the University of North Carolina who runs the Teen Media Project. "What's missing in the media's sexual script is what happens before and after. Why are these kids getting pregnant and what happens afterward?"

Kids are getting pregnant because they are having sex. A better question might be 'why are these kids having sex?' Statistics say that slightly less than half of high school student are having sex, so why do we see so much teen sexual activity in the media? Talk to your kids about sexual activity and the "three C's" mentioned above.

• What does your family believe should be the connection between sex and commitment? What kind of commitment should be present before kissing? petting? oral sex? intercourse?
• What does your family believe about contraception methods and their use? Does a teen being on the pill or shot mean that she is encouraged to have sex?
• Research with your kids the physical and emotional consequences of sexual activity. The CDC says that 25% of female teens have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Some of our previous posts have discussed consequences: "Sexual Behavior In America's Children" and "Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut".

The Newsweek article then tells the stories of several teens who gave birth to their children, highlighting the negative consequences of being a teen mother. One teen dropped out of high school because of the social pressure. Another teen's mother felt judged at church because her daughter was pregnant. While some media make teen parenting look glamorous (Jamie Lynn Spears has money for nannies and enough to buy anything her child desires), other media (like this Newsweek article) focuses only on the negative aspects, saying they are bringing "reality." However, the Newsweek article seems to be saying that giving birth should be avoided because being a parent is too hard (thus subtly promoting abortion), not that having sex should be delayed until marriage. The Newsweek article also promotes condoms and contraceptives, but ignores the emotional consequences of sex outside of marriage. There is no condom or pill that protects the heart. Newsweek conviently ignores the painful consequences of teen pregnancies that end in abortion instead of birth.

One of the reader comments on the Newsweek site told her story:

Posted By: carefullmom @ 07/28/2008 4:17:04 AM
Comment: When I was just a fourteen year old child I was surprised to find myself pregnant. I knew how it happened, but I think I was so naive that I didn't think that it would happen. I don't recall my folks ever speaking to me about the subject. When they finally figured out what was going on with me, they drove me to a clinic and forced a decision down my throat. I don't really know what decision I would have made if it had been left up to me, I think I probably would have just gone on in childlike ignorance not believing that any of it was really happening. After the tears cleared and I realized what had happened, and took responsibility for what I had done, I became so angry that I became near obsessive about having another baby. At 18, I did. I moved out of my parents home at midnight on my 18th birthday and called them a few months later to tell them that they would soon be grandparents. They indicated that the 4 years of remorse that they had watched me endure had led them to believe that only having a child was going to help me begin to heal. I thank God for their support and believe that my daughter healed wounds in my family that might never have otherwise healed. With my folks support and personal drive resulting from wanting the very best for my daughter, I finished college, landed a good job, eventually married a great man who adopted my daughter, finished graduate school, and now have two more children. The first five years when I was going to college and being a mom were really challenging. Other students were going to parties and I was washing diapers and working a night shift to make enough money to pay my rent and buy food. My oldest daughter, now 20 and in college, and my middle daughter, now 14, know that they can come to me with anything and I will not judge them, but will help them no matter how difficult the situation. They tell me that I have given them a tremendous role model to strive towards in their own lives. We have spoken openly and honestly about birth control, sex, and the hardships of raising babies alone and in poverty for so many years now that I cannot remember when we started. I think teen mothers and mothers-to-be or perhaps not-to-be need more non-judgemental support to help them make a decision about whether they have what it takes to raise a child. And for those young women who do choose to keep their baby, government programs should focus less on hand outs that lead to dependence and more on high school completion programs and college credit programs such as childcare money for woman who take college courses to enable them to get good paying jobs. Judgemental and negative comments certainly won't help a young pregnant woman make healthy decisions. I thought Juno was a thoughtful representation of how a family dealt with a crisis, and how a young girl made a very brave, realistic, and generous decision for the well-being of her baby.

Read this real story to your kids, and talk to them about it. Do your kids have the typical teen attitude that THEY won't get infected with an STD, or that THEY won't get pregnant? Talk to your kids about this woman's emotional pain and remorse after abortion. This woman responded in a common manner and intentionally got pregnant to "replace" the aborted baby. This family gave incredible support to their pregnant daughter the second time, helping her get a college education. This woman was able to get married (unlike 40% of single moms). She also makes some suggestions of what social services could do differently so that pregnant women can become more independent instead of reliant on help.

Reality is that being a mother at any age has high points and low points. Mothers at any age have to change their lives and learn to balance new responsibilities and challenges. Talk to your kids about the positive experiences you had as a new mother, and the negative experiences you had. What was your situation when you became pregnant? How did this situation contribute to the positive and negative experiences?

Non-voluntary Sexual Intercourse

According to the Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. (PHS) 2006-1977. 174 pp.

In 2002, 8% of sexually experienced women 18–44 years of age reported that their first sexual intercourse was not voluntary.

+ Younger age at first sexual intercourse was associated with higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse. 20% of women who first had intercourse before 15 years of age reported their first intercourse as not voluntary compared with 4% of women who first had intercourse at 20 years or over. This relationship between earlier first intercourse and higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse is seen across Hispanic origin and race groups.

Nearly 23% of women aged 18–44 in 2002 had been forced to have intercourse at some time in their lives, about the same as seen in 1995.
+ About 5% of women were first forced to have intercourse at ages younger than 15 years; another 6% were first forced at ages 15–17 years and 4% at ages 18–19 years.
+ Women who were not living with both parents at age 14 were more likely to have experienced forced sexual intercourse at some time (31%) than women who lived with both parents (20%).

Talk to your daughter about these statistics. How old was she when she first had intercourse? Did she participate willingly? If not, make sure she gets counseling to heal this emotional wound, and medical care to check for STDs and any physical damage. If your pregnant daughter currently plans to be a single mother, brainstorm with her about ways that she can increase the protection of her child.


+ Of the women who reported that their FIRST sexual intercourse was not voluntary, 19% reported that they had been ‘‘pressured into it by his words or actions, but without threats of harm,’’ and this was the most common type of force.
+ The other types of force asked about, for example: 9% had been given alcohol or drugs, 8% reported ‘‘yes’’ to the item ‘‘Did what he said because he was bigger or grownup, and you were young,’’ 5% had been ‘‘physically held down,’’ and 3% had been ‘‘physically hurt or injured.’’

Talk with all your children about how they could try to get out of situations where they are being pressured to have sex by their partner's words or actions. What should they say? What should they do? Who should they later talk to about what happened?

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

Episode 4 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

In Episode 4, Amy's dad expects Amy to love the news video of Grace being attacked in a bad part of town at midnight "because we're family. You gotta dislike who I dislike. That's called loyalty. I dislike the Bowmans, so this is funny to me and to our family." What do your teens think about this? What does loyalty mean to them? How do they think loyalty should be expressed in a family? How do they think loyalty should be expressed between friends? Share your thoughts about these questions, too.

Dad continues, "These two high-faluting church-goers have a problem child on their hands." This kind of statement expresses rejection and may contribute to your teen not being honest with you, in fear that they too will be rejected. How could you reword this type of statement so that you reject wrong behavior without rejecting the person? What do your teens think a 'problem child' means? How would you define it?

Lots of parent-child confrontation in this episode. Amy's dad confronts her about whether she knows who the shirtless guy on the video is. Amy's dad confronts Ashley about her more modest outfit, accusing her of being on drugs and of lying. Grace's parents confront her about the video of her on the news in a bad part of town, and then sneaking around to date Jack. Ricky's foster mother confronts him about being shirtless and about lying about being home. Most of the confrontations we're shown are pretty calm, without shouting. What are confrontations like at your house? What could you change to make confrontations less painful? What do you wish your kids could change to make confrontation less painful?

Amy realizes that she'll have to tell her parents she's pregnant. She feels bad about her sister Ashley getting in trouble as a way of distracting her parents from her secret. Amy's friend tells her "Be responsible - talk to your parents, and get some help."

Grace temporarily gives up being on the cheer squad because that's the punishment she came up with for lying to her parents. What kinds of consequences do your kids think would be appropriate for Grace's sneaking around and lying?

Amy's mom says to Amy, "I'm not accusing you. You're perfect. Close to perfect. Both my girls are. Although I really don't know why Ashley wants me to think she's having sex. I don't think she's having sex. ... Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter." Both parents and kids sometimes have mental images of each other that are not entirely accurate. Very few of us are actually 'close to perfect.' On the flip side, both parents and kids who behave badly likely have good qualities to them somewhere. Both kids and parents can do a better job of being realistic about the good parts and bad parts of each other. Take care not to go to extremes of either putting someone on a perfect pedestal or of putting someone in the garbage dump. Talk to your kids - how would they describe you? How would they describe themselves? How do they think you would describe them? Do your kids think you never made any mistakes growing up? Have you been afraid to express your wishes about any topics because you made a mistake in that area when you were younger? Are you willing to share with your kids (at the appropriate level of detail for their age) about mistakes you made when you were growing up? There is some value in "do as I say, not as I do"...but how can this attitude be kept in balance?

Later in the show, Amy tells her dad that Ashley is not having sex but that Ashley is covering for someone. Amy tells her dad that she had sex and he responds angrily, "You did not have sex. I know you!" Amy replies, "Dad, you don't know me! I did have sex." Her dad is stunned, but the conversation is interrupted. When we learn something new about someone we love, the shock can make us suddenly feel like we don't know that person. The revelation that your child is sexually active or pregnant can easily trigger a grief cycle. Pay attention to your feelings and give yourself the room to work through your reactions. Seek counsel.

Jack is talking to Adrian and says, "Every relationship needs a good foundation. And if our relationship was Christ, I think even you and I could make it. I want a girlfriend, a real girlfriend. And in order for you to be my girlfriend, we need more than just being physically attracted to each other." Though Jack's motives in this conversation (to make Grace jealous) are pretty rotten, he makes some interesting points. Talk to your kids about what Jack said. What is a 'real' girlfriend/boyfriend? What things make a good foundation for a relationship? How important is physical attraction in the foundation of a relationship? How much of a role does physical attraction play in your kids current dating relationships? Ask your kids what happens to a relationship as they age and looks fail? What about 'missionary' dating (a believer dating a non-believer with the motive of trying to induce faith in the non-believer)? Does it seem like a good idea? In what ways might each of the people in such a relationship be affected by the other person, and how likely are those outcomes?

Later, when Jack is picking up Adrian to go to church, Adrian tries to seduce Jack. She asks, "Didn't you have a good time last time?" He says, "Yeah, I had a great time. But it wasn't worth all the guilt and trouble it caused." Adrian says, "Everyone's going to think we're doing something so we might as well be doing something, right?" Jack replies, "Wrong. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I care what I think. I think that sex before marriage is a sin." Adrian says, "Well, aren't we all sinners? ... We'll go to confession afterwards." Jack says, "We [protestants] don't have confession.... we have guilt, shame, regret." Jack says that they could make out, but couldn't do anything more than that, "anything more than that would be a sin." Adrian asks, "What, is it in the Bible?" Jack says it is, but has no idea where. So we hear that Jack says he is feeling regret for having sex. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, "Most teens who have had sex wish they had waited. Almost 70% of teens regret having had sex as early as they did." Ask your kids if they have had sex. If so, do they feel guilt, shame or regret? Do they need counseling from a religious leader to help them process these feelings? Jack says that making out is ok. Where do your kids think they should "draw the line" in sexual activity at their age? What about when they are unmarried college students? What limits would you prefer they follow?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide online for this episode (PDF file).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Depression After Childbirth

We've written about postpartum depression previously, but it's a topic worth covering repeatedly.

A recent survey found that many Oklahoma women suffer from depression after childbirth. These results are likely very similar to what would be found in other areas too. Here is the text of a press release from the Oklahoma Department of Health, with commentary added:

One in four (25%) new mothers in Oklahoma report symptoms of maternal depression after giving birth, according to a recent study conducted by the Oklahoma State Department of Health (OSDH).

Using the Pregnancy Risk Assessment Monitoring System (PRAMS), an ongoing statewide survey of maternal behaviors and experiences, OSDH officials found that 40% of Oklahoma mothers did not discuss postpartum depression, or PPD, with their health care provider.

Of special concern were adolescent mothers, who were 2.5 times more likely to indicate symptoms of PPD as mothers age 35 and older.

“These findings are of major concern to health care professionals and should place families on alert to watch out for signs and symptoms of depression in new mothers,” said Secretary of Health and Commissioner of Health Dr. Michael Crutcher.

The symptoms of postpartum depression include:

• loss of interest in pleasure in life;
• change in appetite;
• less energy and motivation to do things;
• having a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping more than usual;
• increased crying and tearfulness;
• feeling worthless, hopeless or overly guilty;
• feeling restless, irritable or anxious;
• and having unexplained weight loss or gain.
• Additional symptoms include feeling like life isn’t worth living,
• having thoughts of hurting yourself or worrying about hurting the baby,
• or someone else hurting the baby.

Among the stressors found to increase the risk of depression symptoms are:

• arguing with a partner more than usual during pregnancy,
• having bills one cannot pay, and
• having an unintended pregnancy.
  

Additional highlights from the Oklahoma PRAMS survey on PPD include the following:

• Women ages 20 to 24 were twice as likely to indicate symptoms of depression when compared to women 35 or older.
• Women with infants placed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) were at a higher risk for depression.
• Mothers are at special risk for postpartum depression when caring for infants born prematurely or infants with special health care needs.
• Women who did not receive a postpartum checkup were also at a higher risk for symptoms of postpartum depression when compared to women who did receive their postpartum checkup.
  

To address PPD, public health officials recommend the following:

Ask your daughter's doctor to screen your pregnant daughter for maternal depression before birth at a late-term prenatal visit.

Ask your daughter's doctor to screen your daughter for maternal depression at each doctor visit during the first year after the birth of her child.

Make sure your daughter understands the importance of returning for her postpartum checkup around six weeks after delivery.

If your daughter has an infant in the NICU, search for support groups near your home and in the hospital, and research more information on PPD.

Ask your Medicaid provider if there are any maternal and infant health licensed clinical social work services available to your daughter.

Ask your doctor, nurse, and hospital staff for education about PPD awareness, referrals for treatment and follow-up care.

Encourage new mothers with signs and symptoms of depression to call the PSI national hotline 1-800-944-4PPD. Information is also available at http://www.postpartum.net.

Ask your daughter's school counselors what support they can provide for pregnant and postpartum adolescents to cope with the stress of motherhood, schoolwork and feelings of isolation.

State Medicaid Information

One of the things that visitors to this blog are looking for is information about medicaid eligibility for their pregnant daughter.

Here are links to as many state medicaid websites as we could find. If there was a page on the website that had information about medicaid for pregnant women, that's the page we linked to here.

Alabama Medicaid Agency

Medicaid in Arizona - Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System

Arkansas - Arkansas Medicaid

Medicaid in California - MediCal

Medicaid in Colorado - Department of Health Care Policy and Financing

Medicaid in Connecticut - Department of Social Services

Medicaid in Delaware - Department of Social Services

Medicaid in Florida - Agency for Health Care Administration

Medicaid in Georgia - Department of Community Health

Medicaid in Idaho - Department of Health and Welfare

Medicaid in Illinois - Department of Healthcare and Family Services

Medicaid in Indiana - Indiana Health Coverage Programs

Medicaid in Iowa - Iowa Medicaid Enterprise

Medicaid in Kansas - Kansas Medical Assistance Program

Medicaid in Kentucky - Cabinet for Health and Family Services

Medicaid in Louisiana - LaMOMS program

Medicaid in Maine - Office of MaineCare Services

Medicaid in Maryland - Maryland Children's Health Program (includes pregnant women of any age)

Medicaid in Massachusetts - MassHealth insurance

Medicaid in Michigan - Department of Community Health

Medicaid in Minnesota - Department of Human Services

Medicaid in Mississippi - Mississippi Division of Medicaid

Medicaid in Missouri - Department of Social Services

Medicaid in Montana - Department of Public Health and Human Services

Medicaid in Nebraska - Department of Health and Human Services

Medicaid in Nevada - Division of Welfare and Supportive Services

Medicaid in New Hampshire - Department of Health and Human Services

Medicaid in New Jersey - Medical Assistance and Health Services

Medicaid in New Mexico - New Mexico Human Services Department

Medicaid in New York - Department of Health

Medicaid in North Carolina - Division of Medical Assistance

Medicaid in North Dakota - Department of Human Services

Medicaid in Ohio - Department of Job and Family Services

Medicaid in Oklahoma - Oklahoma Health Care Authority

Medicaid in Oregon - Oregon Health Plan

Medicaid in Pennsylvania - Department of Public Welfare

Medicaid in Rhode Island - Medical Assistance Program RIte Care

Medicaid in South Carolina - Department of Health & Human Services

Medicaid in South Dakota - Department of Social Services

Medicaid in Tennessee - Bureau of TennCare

Medicaid in Texas - Texas Health and Human Services Commission

Medicaid in Utah - Utah Department of Health

Medicaid in Virginia - Department of Medical Assistance Services

Medicaid in Washington - Department of Social & Health Services

Medicaid in Washington DC - Department of Human Services

Medicaid in West Virginia - Bureau for Children and Families

Medicaid in Wisconsin - Department of Health and Family Services

Medicaid in Wyoming - Department of Health

Challenges of poverty

In a report called "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" there are some recent statistics that highlight the challenges your single parent daughter may need help with. In a previous post, we noted the statistics that more and more women are choosing to be single parents. As you see below, many single parents live in poverty. So if your daughter is a single mother, know that you are not alone in the challenges you face!

Economic Circumstances
In 2006, children living in families with a female head with no husband present (female-householder families) continued to experience a higher poverty rate (42 percent) than children living in married-couple families (8 percent). If your single parent daughter and her child live below the poverty line, your grandchild is exposed to the possibility of several other challenges: education, health care, and housing. Will every single parent face these challenges? No. Will every family living below the poverty line face these challenges? No. But if your daughter is a single parent, these are possible additional challenges.

Children's Education Challenges
Children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold were more likely to be read to daily by a family member (65 percent) than were children in families with incomes 100–199 percent of the poverty threshold (60 percent) or those in families with incomes below the poverty threshold (50 percent) in 2005.

Dental Health Challenges
Good oral health requires professional dental care as well as routine personal care. The American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends regular dental visits beginning at 1 year of age. Among children living in families with incomes less than 200 percent of the poverty threshold, 68 percent had a dental visit in the past year, compared with 82 percent of children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold.

Housing challenges
Inadequate, crowded, or costly housing can pose serious problems to children's physical, psychological, and material well-being. In 2005, 40 percent of U.S. households (both owners and renters) with children had one or more of three housing problems: physically inadequate housing, crowded housing, or a housing-cost burden of more than 30 percent of household income. Cost burdens have driven significant increases in the incidence of problems since 2003, when 37 percent of households had one or more of these housing problems, as well as over the long term. Severe cost burdens—housing costs exceeding 50 percent of income—are especially prevalent among the lowest-income renters, affecting 45 percent of very-low-income renters with children in 2005.

Talk with your teens about these statistics. If your teen daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her about ways your family can address these possible challenges should they arise. In what ways do these possible challenges affect your pregnant teen's thinking about single parenting and her thinking about adoption? Does your community or church offer a support group for single parents? Does your community have a pregnancy resource center that offers support to single parents? Are there any housing options that your daughter's family could safely share with another single parent's family in order to reduce expenses? Does your single parent daughter have any interest in marrying? What could your family do to read to the children every single day? Brainstorm ideas for getting dental care for your daughter's children.

America's Birth Rates

CNN titled their article "Teen pregnancies up for first time in 15 years", based on data from this year's "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" from the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. CNN says that teen pregnancy went up for the first time in 15 years. But that's not explicitely what the data is saying! The data says live BIRTHS to teens increased. Was there an increase in pregnancy, or simply an increase in choosing birth over abortion? Or were there fewer miscarriages? Or was there an increase in multiple births? The data does not talk about any of these factors, so concluding that pregnancy is up is not proveable based on this data. The only thing the data proves is that births were up. It is quite possible that the total number of pregnancies was stable; the data does not say one way or the other.

There were 51 births (not just pregnancies, so these statistics do not include abortions and miscarriages) for every 1,000 unmarried women ages 15–44 in 2006, up from 48 per 1,000 in 2005 (figure 2) [1]. This increase in birth count has many influences: multiple births have increased due to infertility treatments, abortion rates may be lower, as demographics change we may see more births due to varied cultural values, etc. Since abortion rates are not a mandatory reporting category, we have no way to officially and formally compare births to abortions. Some agencies give estimated comparisons based on the limited data that is available. Note that this statistic does not count births to women under the age of 15. I don't know whether this information isn't collected or isn't tabulated, but procedures need to change to account for all births instead of assuming a particular 'childbearing age' range.

In 2006, the adolescent birth rate (to unmarried teens AND married teens combined) [3] was 22 births per 1,000 young women ages 15–17 (138,920 births), up from 21 births per 1,000 in 2005 (Figure 3). This was the first increase in this measure since the increase between 1990 and 1991 [4, 5, 6]. Again, the data is not proving an increase in total numbers of pregnancy, simply an increase in the number of women giving birth.

Between 1991 and 2005, the birth rate for Black, non-Hispanic teenagers ages 15–17 dropped from 86 to 35 per 1,000. The birth rate for this group increased in 2006. Are Black teens choosing birth over abortion slightly more than they did in the past?

Between 1991 and 2004, the birth rate for White, non-Hispanic teenagers dropped from 24 to 12 per 1,000 [4, 6]. The birth rate for this group increased in 2006. Are White teens choosing birth over abortion slithly more than they did in the past?


The birth rate for unmarried women has risen rapidly since 2002. [2]

• The rate had been relatively stable between the mid–1990s and 2002, following a long-term increase between 1960 and 1994.
• In 2006, 38 percent of all births were to unmarried women, up from 37 percent in 2005.

Between 1980 and 2006, the percentage of births to unmarried women rose sharply for women in all age groups:

• Among teenagers, the percentage rose from 62 to 92 percent for ages 15–17 and from 40 to 81 percent for ages 18–19. So apparently teens in the 1980s were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.
• The percentage tripled for births to women in their twenties, from 19 to 58 percent for women ages 20–24 and from 9 to 31 percent for women ages 25–29. Again, apparently 20-somethings were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.
• The percentage of births to unmarried women in their thirties more than doubled from 8 to 18 percent. Again, apparently 30-somethings were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.

If you are the parent of a daughter who is pregnant and single (at any age group), you are certainly not alone!

[1] Hamilton, B.E., Martin, J.A., and Ventura, S.J. (2007). Births: Preliminary data for 2006. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(7). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[2] National Center for Health Statistics. National Vital Statistics System. (2007). Unpublished tabulations.
[3] The birth rate for adolescents ages 15–17 includes married and unmarried teenagers.
[4] Martin, J.A., Hamilton, B.E., Sutton, P.D., Ventura, S.J., Menacker, F.J., Kirmeyer, S., and Munson, M.L. (2007). Births: Final data for 2005. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(6). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[5] Hamilton, B.E., Martin, J.A., and Ventura, S.J. (2007). Births: Preliminary data for 2006. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(7). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[6] Hamilton, B.E., Sutton, P.D., and Ventura, S.J. (2003). Revised birth and fertility rates for the 1990s: United States, and new rates for Hispanic populations, 2000 and 2001. National Vital Statistics Reports, 51(12). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.

Sexual Behavior in America's Children

Data from this year's "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" from the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics.

In the "Behavior" section of the America's Children report:

• Early sexual activity is associated with emotional [1][2] and physical health risks. (See also our post on the benefits of delaying sexual debut. Share the research studies with your kids and talk to them about the findings. What do your kids think about the study results?)



• The percentage of students in grades 9–12 who reported ever having had sexual intercourse declined from 54 percent in 1991 to 46 percent in 2001 and remained stable from 2001 to 2005. (In your opinion, does this decline and stability argue that abstinence education works or does not work?)



• In 2005, 18 percent of students in grades 9–12 who had sexual intercourse in the past 3 months reported that they or their partner had used birth control pills before their last sexual intercourse and 63 percent reported condom use. While there was no statistically significant change in the use of birth control pills, condom use among high school students has increased from 1991 (from 46 percent to 63 percent). (In your opinion, if abstinence education is a failure, why are more teens using condoms now?)

[1] Hallfors, D., Waller, M., Bauer, D., Ford C., and Halpern, C. (2005). Which comes first in adolescence—sex and drugs or depression? American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 29(3), 163–170.
[2] Meier, A.M. (2007). Adolescent first sex and subsequent mental health. American Journal of Sociology 112(6): 1811–47.

Episode 3 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, followed by some items to discuss with your teens.

• Ashley's mom comments on Ashley's tubetop and miniskirt outfit, saying "Be mysterious. Less is more." Clothing choices are not message-free. Look through catalogs with your kids and call out what message each outfit sends. Then go through your closets...what messages do your kid's clothes send? Ashley is 13, and a man stares at her, prompting mom to tell him he's a pervert. When do your kids think its okay for a girl to start dressing in revealing ways?
• Amy's clothes are starting to not fit. Later in the show we see she is having other pregnancy side-effects: swollen feet, growing breasts, nausea, appetite change
• Ben's friend Henry asks "If you're not going to kiss her, what's the point in going out with her?" What do your kids think the point of dating is? Is sexual activity of some kind a mandatory and expected part of dating?
• Jack taunts Grace, "How old do you think you'll be when you stop letting your parents make your decisions for you?" Talk with your kids about the process of gaining independence in your family. As they mature they should be taking on more decisions - what kinds of decisions do you think they are ready to make on their own right now, and what kinds should they still be obeying you? Later in the show, Grace's dad say his household is not a democracy, its a kingdom. What is your family like? Are there some areas where the family is a democracy and some where it is a kingdom?
• Jack continues, "All the guys think I'm a big wuss because they think you're in charge of me. You and your parents." Talk with your kids about this kind of attitude. What does masculinity mean to them? How should men and women interact in terms of 'being in charge'?
• Amy's friends say, "Eww. Don't say things like 'fetus' to us." Fetus is a latin term. Find out what it means.
• Amy's friend's brother Jason says, "You know mom and dad aren't going to let you hang out with her anymore when they find out." If your teen told you their friend was pregnant, what would be your response? Would you allow your kids to continue to hang out with them? Why/why not? What do your kids wish your reaction would be?
• Grace is talking to her family about Jack and says, "Sometimes liking someone doesn't always make sense. It isn't always logical. Maybe I have no reason to like this guy, but I do. We dated all summer and he never gave me or you any reason not to trust him." But her parents both say they do not want her dating Jack. Talk about the feelings and actions of infatuation, lust, and love. How are they different? How can you tell them apart?
• Dr. Hightower is talking to Amy on the phone and says, "Your mother is a very nice woman. She's going to be a big help to you. Once she gets past the news." She offers to help Amy tell her mother she's pregnant. Many parents are upset when they find out their teen daughter is pregnant. But they do also love their daughter and want to help her.
• Dr. Hightower continues, "Every day is important in a pregnancy... You're in charge of another life now." If your daughter is pregnant, help her get prenatal care as soon as possible.
• Ricky talks Grace into letting him help her 'sneak around' to date Jack without her parent's permission. A lot of lying is involved in order to get out the door. How would this behavior go over in your family?
• Amy admits to her sister, Ashley, that she is pregnant. Ashley promises not to tell their parents. If one child knew a big secret about another of your kids, would you want them to tell you?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide online for this episode (PDF file).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Being a mother means...

A recent article "How To Really Help Pregnant Teens" in the Christian Science Monitor, by Jeannette Pai-Espinosa summarizes a few reasons that teens intentionally get pregnant, from the book "Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage" by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas.

Edin and Kefalas interviewed 162 "single mothers living in poor neighborhoods at Philadelphia's urban core. They found that, to these women, being a mother meant:

• unconditional love;
• eliminating a sense of isolation;
• the ability to prove they are capable of maturity and high moral stature by being a good parent;
• and gaining control over their life.
• These mothers saw having a baby not as a burden, but as an opportunity."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these points:

• What does being a mother mean to her?
• What emotional needs does she think motherhood will meet?
• How would she define unconditional love in general?
• What would unconditional love look like from an infant towards its mother? (How would an infant display unconditional love to its mother? Is crying a display that the infant does not love its mother?)
• What would unconditional love look like from mother towards child? (How would a mother display unconditional love to her child?)
• Does your daughter currently feel isolated or that she doesn't fit in?
• How would your daughter define maturity? What attitudes and actions are a part of maturity? What does she believe are the benefits of being an adult? What responsibilities come with those benefits, in her opinion?
• Ask your daughter to write a "job description" of a "good parent." What skills does a "good parent" need? What tasks will they perform? What education or experience would be beneficial? What qualities make a "good parent"?
• Ask your daughter if she thinks her life is out of control currently. What would she like her life to be like, instead? In what ways would a baby add to her control of her life? In what ways would a baby take away from her control of her life?

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we talk more about some of the reasons teens get pregnant in the chapter titled "The Importance of First Words". You can also read other blog posts about this topic by clicking the link below that says "Why".

Episode 2 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Episode 2 of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" had very few statistics in it. A lot of the plot circles around the rumors that are circulating about Amy & Ricky. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here. Here are a few points from the show, followed by some items to discuss with your teens.

• Amy hasn't told her parents that she's pregnant yet, and is planning to pretend it never happened. She says she figures she has two options: Tell her parents she's pregnant and "ruin the rest of her life", or pretend it never happened.
• Grace's mom talks to Grace about how many women blame themselves when their partner cheats on them, making excuses for his behavior.
• Grace's dad says the reason they gave Grace the promise ring isn't because they don't trust Grace, but because they don't trust the boys she might date. He says that teenage boys in high school are only interested in one thing: sex.
• Ben's friend says that the younger people are when they marry, the more likely the are to divorce, but she doesn't give any numbers.
• Ben tells Amy he doesn't want to know about her past relationships.

Talk to your kids:

• If they needed to tell you they were pregnant, what do they think your reaction would be? What do they wish your ideal reaction would be? What do you think your reaction would be? What do you wish your ideal reaction could be? If your teen needed to tell you they were pregnant, how would you like to be told?



• So far, Amy has been pretty unemotional about being pregnant. In this episode we see that she is firmly planting herself in denial, repeating "Never happened!" If your teen daughter is pregnant, ask her what emotions and thoughts she was having when she was at this point in her pregnancy (about 6 weeks). If your teens are not pregnant, ask them to imagine what they might be feeling and thinking if they were 6 weeks pregnant. When you first became pregnant with your child(ren), what were your thoughts and feelings?



• What do your kids think about being unfaithful in a relationship? Is Jack right that "just one kiss" should be quickly forgiven? (even though we know he's lying about this) What does faithfulness involve? How about "just looking, not touching" - is that cheating? Who is to blame when one partner cheats? Does lack of sexual activity make cheating excusable?



• Stereotyping all high school boys as being interested only in sex may be taking it too far. How is this fictional high school similar to the school your teens attend? How is it different? Are there predatory boys (like Ricky) or girls (like Adrian) in their high school that are looking for sexual conquests?



• What kinds of rumors circulate at your teen's high school? In a previous post, we summarized a recent research study that showed that one of the ways that abusive dates control their partner is by threatening to spread rumors about them. Do your teens know anyone who is being threatened this way? Has anyone ever threatened your teens by saying they will spread rumors about them?



• Thinking forward to when your teens get married some day, will they want to know the complete sexual history of their spouse? Will they want to keep anything hidden themselves? Do your teens think they will care about their spouse's previous sexual experiences? Does the idea of explaining previous sexual experiences to their future spouse cause them to reconsider any of their current activities?



• In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we have a chapter titled "Should They Marry?" which has a lot of facts about teen pregnancy and teen marriage. Here's a small excerpt: "Teen marriages generally have a bad reputation as leading to a guaranteed divorce. However, this reputation is not based completely on the facts. Data from the 2002 National Survey on Family Growth* shows that 48% of first marriages by girls under 18 years of age had dissolved by the 10th anniversary. This means that 52% of young teen marriages were still intact after 10 years! To balance the fact that waiting until the age of 23 to marry improves the chance of the marriage lasting 10 years, we have the fact that women who bear a child without marrying the father of the child have a 40% lower likelihood of ever marrying.**" What do your teens think about these statistics? Do they think that considering marriage when pregnant is a good idea or a bad idea? Under what circumstances do they think considering marriage when pregnant would be a good idea and when would it be a bad idea?



• Amy's best friends know she is pregnant and that she hasn't told her parents. If your teens knew their best friend was pregnant in high school, would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was struggling with alcohol - would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was taking drugs, or being beaten up by their date, or being hit by their parents?



• We've seen Amy go to her pediatrician in episode one. Where do your teens think they would go for medical help if they thought they were pregnant? Where would you want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? Is there anywhere you would not want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? What are the privacy rules regarding pregnant minors at your kid's primary physician? Would your minor's doctor be required to keep a pregnancy secret from you because of patient confidentiality? Do you know anything about the teen pregnancy related beliefs your teen's doctor holds? If you live in a state where there is no parental notification law and no parental consent law, would your teen's doctor offer your teen an abortion without your knowledge or consent? What about contraceptives?

References:

* "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth." Vital and Health Statistics, Series 23, Number 25, December 2005. U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics.

** Daniel Lichter and Deborah Roempke Graefe, "Finding a Mate? The Marital and Cohabitation Histories of Unwed Mothers," in Lawrence Wu and Barbara Wolfe (eds.), "Out of Wedlock: Trends, Causes and Consequences of Non-marital Fertility." New York: Russell Sage Foundation, 2001.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for this episode too (PDF file).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

"Seven Steps to Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

The following is a summary/outline of the points made by guest R.T. Kendall on the Focus On The Family radio program "Finding True Forgiveness."

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What Forgiveness is Not

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

There may be a lot of people you need to forgive when your single daughter is pregnant. You may need to forgive your daughter, the baby's father, his family, your friends and family for the way they react, yourself, and others.

How can we apply these steps to forgiveness to a Christian daughter who is single and pregnant?

1. "Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you." Okay, pregnancy is going to be obvious at some point, and this sentiment is not a support of abortion. To apply this one, let's instead focus on perhaps not complaining to everyone about how much your daughter embarrassed you, hurt you, angered you, or shamed you. How about not complaining to everyone about your daughter's character, or the character of the baby's father? If you really need to vent your frustrations, pick a mature, trustworthy person such as a counselor or pastor who will not gossip about what you share.

2. "Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you." Is your anger at your daughter a scary thing? Was she afraid to tell you she was pregnant because she guessed your reaction would be intimidating? Do you need to apologize to her for the way you've acted since discovering her pregnancy?

3. "Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty." Your daughter may feel guilty about her sexual activity. If she willingly participated, this guilt could be the Holy Spirit prompting her that she has sinned and needs to confess. Once she has repented and asked forgiveness, guilty feelings may be unhealthy (meaning that they are no longer pointing out the need for confession). Corrie ten Boom used to talk about God's forgiveness by saying that He placed our sins at the bottom of the ocean and then put up a buoy with a sign that says "No Fishing." If your daughter has repented, don't keep bringing up her sin. Don't fish. Leave it alone.

4. "Let them save face." Ask your daughter what this would mean to her. Does it mean that she wants to tell people about the pregnancy instead of you doing it? Or does it mean she wants you to tell people instead of her doing it? Does it mean she would like to live with a relative during the pregnancy? What would 'saving face' mean to her in this situation? Are any of her ideas for this realistic possibilities? If they are possible, pray and talk about making them happen.

5. "Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear." Talk with your daughter about this. What is her greatest fear about being single and pregnant? What is her darkest secret about this pregnancy? Brainstorm together about what kind of protection can be offered. For example, if she is in an abusive relationship is she afraid for her safety and the safety of her baby?

6. "It is a lifelong commitment." Forgiving your daughter for a particular thing may take a lifetime of upkeep on your part. You may have unforgiving thoughts and feelings resurface that you must choose to deal with again. You may have to repeatedly choose not to "fish" around and bring up her past sins that you say you have forgiven. Perhaps she will make the same mistake again in the future and you will have to choose whether or not to berate her for her past mistakes again.

7. "Pray for them to be blessed." When you are in the midst of anger and pain, this kind of prayer can seem impossible. You may not feel like your daughter deserves blessing because of the things she has chosen to do. You certainly do not have to pray that her sin be blessed, because sin cannot be blessed. However, the consequences of sin can prompt someone to repent and turn their life around. This in itself may be a blessing to the person whose life is changed. Repentance and a changed life can open the door to other blessings, and that is hopefully something you can pray for your daughter to receive.

Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must approve of her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. You can love your daughter and hate her actions. Forgiving your daughter does not mean you must excuse her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must pardon her willing actions: there may be consequences she needs to face, possibly even punishments depending on the situation. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must reconcile your relationship with her. For reconciliation to occur, you both have to be trustworthy people. You can forgive her even if she is not yet trustworthy for a relationship.

For more about forgiveness when your single daughter is pregnant, read the chapters in our book ("How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy") titled "Forgiving the Baby's Father," "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents," "Forgiving Myself," "Forgiving My Daughter," and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances."

Teen Dating Abuse

A recent article on CNN.com, "Survey reveals abuse in teen relationships" summarizes a survey showing that teens and preteens endure a significant level of abuse in their dating relationships, and that most parents are unaware of the abuse. Go here on loveisrespect.orgto see a PDF with more details and more study results.

• "69% percent of teens who had sex by age 14 reported some type of abuse in a relationship, with slightly more than one-third saying they had been physically abused."


• About "10% of the teenagers surveyed said they had had sex by age 14, while 20 percent said they had sex between the ages of 15 and 16."


• Nearly 50% of 11-14 year olds say they have been in a dating relationship. When did these very young people start dating? These dating relationships began at age 10 or younger for 9% of those surveyed, at age 11-12 for 28% of respondants, at age 13-14 for 35% of respondants, at age 15-16 for 25% of those surveyed, and after the age of 16 for 3% of those surveyed.


• "20% of 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend. 62% have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates."


• "About 51% say they are aware of the warning signs of hurtful dating relationship."


• "54% said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help."


• "Data reveals that early sexual activity appears to fuel dating violence and abuse among teenagers."


• More than 25% of tweens (age 11-14) AND parents say that sexual activity is a part of tween dating relationships. However, parents do not believe their own tween has engaged in these behaviors. 70% of parents who say they haven't talked to their tween about relationships say it is because their child is too young. However, take a look at the sexual activities tweens are engaging in:
  
  
  
  • 70% of tweens and 56% of parents say that kissing is a part of a tween (aged 11-14)dating relationship.
  
  
  • 49% of tweens and 39% of parents say that "making out" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 37% of tweens and 31% of parents say that touching & "feeling up" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 27% of tweens and 26% of parents say that oral sex is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 28% of tweens and 26% of parents say that sexual intercourse is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.


• Among 11-14 year olds who have been in a dating relationship,
  
  • 62% say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called names, put down, or insulted, whether in person or over a cellphone, instant message, or social networking site) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 61% had been been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 47% had been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 36% had been abused verbally by their partner.
  
  
  • 36% say they know friends who have been pressured by a boyfriend/girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do.
  
  
  • 16% say they know friends who have been hurt (kicked, hit, slapped or punched) by an angry partner . Among all teens who had sex by age 14, 69% report experiencing one or more types of relationship abuse. 34% of these tweens say they were physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, or choked). Among all teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner. Among all teens who had sex after age 16, 9% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner.
  
  
  • 15% say they know friends who have been pressured into having sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 34% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 22% said they had been pressured into sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to.
  
  
  • 13% say they know friends who have been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 36% said they had been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% had been pressured into oral sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% had been pressured into having oral sex.


• Being controlled by their dating partner is also reported.
  
  • 36% of teens report their partner wanted to know where they were all the time. 37% of teens report their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time. Among teens who had sex by age 14 (tweens), 58% report their partner wanted to know where they were, and 59% said their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time.
  
  
  • Other controlling behaviors included being told what to do, being pressured to do things they didn't want to to, the partner tried to prevent them from spending time with family and other friends, and the partner asked them to spend time only with him/her.
  
  
  • 23% of tweens know someone their own age who has had a partner threaten to spread rumors if they didn't do as they were told by the partner.
  
  
  • 29% of tweens know a peer who had a partner call to check up on them more than 10 times per day.
  
  
  • 24% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who texted to check up on them more than 20 times per day.
  
  
  • 18% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who called/texted to check up on them between the hours of midnight and 5am.
  
  
  • 9% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who shared private or embarassing pictures of them.
  
  
  • 8% of tweens know a peer who had a parter who made them afraid to not respond to a call/email/text message.

There is a LOT to talk about here!

• What is your definition of dating? What is your daughter's definition of dating?
• When does your daughter say she began dating? When did you think she began dating?
• What does your daughter think is abuse in a relationship? What do you think abuse is?
• What does your duaghter think are signs of power and control in a relationship? What do you think?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been abused in a dating relationship?
• Has your daughter been abused in a dating relationship? Is she currently being abused?
• What sexual activity does your daughter think is appropriate in a dating relationship at her age? What are your thoughts?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been pressured to do something they didn't want to do by a dating partner?
• Has your daughter been pressured by a dating partner to do something she didn't want to do? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been pressured into having oral sex or sex when they didn't want to?
• Has your daughter been pressured into having oral sex or sex when she didn't want to? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been controlled by a partner?
• Has your daughter been controlled by a dating partner? Is she currently being controlled?

Brainstorm with your daughter about ways that she can spot an abusive relationship. What should she do, who should she talk to?

If your daughter has been abused, or is being abused, get her the medical attention and counseling she needs.