Understanding Child Support

All parents are legally responsible to support their children. Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) notes that child support must continue until one of these conditions is met:

• the child reaches the age of majority
• the child enters active military duty
• the child is declared emancipated by a court
• the parents' rights are terminated (for example, during an adoption process)

Your pregnant daughter and the baby's father might meet the child support requirements by one parent being the primary caretaker and the other parent paying monthly child support payments.

Each State has its own formula for calculating child support payments and often takes the following into consideration:

• how much time each parent spends caring for the child
• each parent's income and living expenses
• each parent's ability to earn income
• each parent's eligibility for welfare benefits
• the number and ages of children each parent is responsible for
• the ability of the parent to pay child support

Money received as child support payments is income-tax-free to the recipient.

All States specifically prohibit parents from withholding visitation just because the other parent owes child support money.

For your pregnant daughter to receive child support payments from the baby's father, the child must be born and then she must go to court to get a court order. This will definitely need a lawyer's involvement.

Once there is a court order, there will still be the battle of actually collecting the payments. Zemmelman notes that "On average, fathers paid between two-thirds and three-fourths of the awarded support, but their compliance with support orders fell off over time." In other words, many fathers don't pay the full amount they are ordered to pay, and they tend to pay even less (or stop making payments) as the child grows older. Zemmelman notes that the best way to improve the chance of receiving child support payments is for the father to be actively and consistently involved in the child's life. Research shows that fathers tend to "continue paying child support when they had regular and frequent visits" with their children and that the less involved with the child the less likely they were to keep paying support.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Grandparent as Psychological Parent

If you, the grandparent, will be raising your pregnant daughter's child, you are a "psychological parent".  Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) defines this as

"an adult who has formed a significant emotional bond with a child by contributing substantially to the child's care and upbringing.  These parents are sometimes also called 'functional parents.'  Psychological parents are not legally responsible for the care or support of a child, nor are they automatically entitled to custody of, or visitation with,  the child."

Since you, the grandparent, are not a legal parent of your grandchild, we strongly urge you to pursue formal and legal guardianship of any grandchildren for whom you are the primary caregiver.  Legal guardianship usually requires "a court order so that schools, hospitals, and other institutions understand that the guardian [you] has the legal right to make decisions about the child."

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Should we adopt the baby?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Child custody definitions

Your pregnant daughter may need to formally define the legal custody and physical custody of her child.   Legal custody is the authority to make decisions about the child. Physical custody is the physical care of the child. Some States merge these ideas together, but some states keep them separate.

Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) explains that in States where legal and physical custody are separate concepts, you may have the following situations:

1. Sole legal and physical custody: one parent has the decision-making responsibility, and the child spends most of their time with that parents.
2. Shared legal and sole physical custody: both parents must share decision-making responsibility, but the child spends most of their time with one parent.
3. Shared legal custody and shared physical custody: both parents must share decision-making responsibility, and the child must spend fairly equal time with both parents.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Parenting agreements

If your pregnant daughter will not be marrying her child's father, help her create a written parenting agreement.  The parenting agreement can be general or can cover specific scenarios in great detail, but it should at least describe how your daughter and the baby's father will meet their parental responsibilities. 

How will they take care of the child's needs: medical, psychological, educational, physical, social, and spiritual?
Who will make decisions about daily life and about large important issues?
How will they make sure that each parent spends time with the child?

The goal of writing a parenting agreement is to reduce conflict between your daughter and the baby's father and to help the child have a good relationship with both parents.  "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works" (by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman) has lots of good information (even though it is written mostly for parents that are divorcing) and has good templates in the back of the book.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

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Forcing your daughter to abort

Parents, don't force your pregnant daughter to have an abortion.

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Real Story: Apryl Roberts

Apryl got pregnant at 16 while "just experimenting with sex with her first boyfriend" (who was 19).  Parents, don't let your minor daughter "date" a man who is an adult!  Apryl says that her boyfriend didn't pressure her into sex...that she "just wanted to know what sex was like."  The power difference caused by the age difference is too dangerous for your daughter.  Apryl may not have been explicitly pressured, but there may not have been a need for an adult man to pressure a 16 year old... the power level difference did all the pressuring for him.  Ask your pregnant daughter how she came to be sexually active.  How old was she and how old was her partner?  Was she pressured?  Was she experimenting?  What other risk-filled behaviors has she experimented with or been pressured into?  Has she experimented with or been pressured into smoking, drugs and alcohol?

At 16, Apryl was a high school junior taking honors classes and piano lessons, and participating in beauty pageants.  She says "My mother was very protective, but I felt smothered.  I wanted to experience things for myself."  Ask your pregnant daughter if she felt like Apryl.  Ask her how she would protect her daughter without her own child feeling smothered. 

Apryl was scared to tell her mother about being pregnant, so she hid her pregnancy for 6 months until a cousin pointed out to her mother that Apryl had been gaining weight.  Apryl's mom asked Apryl if she was pregnant.  Apryl said, "When I confessed, it was such a relief."  Ask your pregnant daughter what she was feeling in the time between discovering she was pregnant and you finding out about it.  Was your pregnant daughter also relieved when the secret was revealed?  You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Hearing the Shocking News" and "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Apryl and her boyfriend had talked about abortion, but "were on the fence about it."  When Apryl's mother took her to an abortion clinic, they found that Apryl's son was too developed to be aborted in Virginia.  When Apryl heard the explanation for how a second trimester abortion is performed, she said, "No, I'm not going to do that.  I knew I couldn't live with myself.  My mother understood, but at the same time, she was upset.  She didn't talk to me for two months."  Ask your pregnant daughter if she had investigated aborting her child.  What were her feelings?

Apryl said that being pregnant in high school was difficult.  The school administration wanted her to attend a different high school that had a program for pregnant girls and focused on parenting classes.  But Apryl wanted to stay in her accelerated class program.  Ask your pregnant daughter if she wants to stay at her current school or if she wants to attend a program that can teach her parenting skills.  You might find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".



The last week of her junior year, she gave birth to her son.  Apryl's mother wouldn't let Apryl have an epidural because "She wanted me to experience the pain of labor, which was bad.  That experience definitely made me think."  A week after giving birth, Apryl was back at high school to take her final exams.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about writing up a birth plan.  Do research together to learn about hospital policies and about the areas where your daughter has options in the birth process.  You might find it helpful to read the chapter "The baby is born" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Apryl returned to high school for her senior year and also had a part-time job.  Apryl's mother "wanted me to experience motherhood, so she made it clear that she wasn't going to get up in the middle of the night to take care of my baby."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about what kinds of help you will give and what things she must do for herself.  Write down your list.  Is your help dependent on anything (like good grades, etc.)? 

Apryl's aunt ran a home daycare that took care of her son while she was in school, and the father's baby (who had joined the Army) sent part of his paycheck to help pay for daycare.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about child care.  Who will provide care while she is in school or at work?  How will she pay for child care?  What will she do when her child is sick and isn't allowed to go to child care?  What help will the baby's father be providing?  Will his family help care for their child, or will he contribute money?  You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Apryl graduated high school on time and with honors, and started college which she discovered was more difficult than high school.  "At one point, I had to cut back with college and go only part time while working full-time as an administrative assistant."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about her plans for college.  How will she pay tuition?  How will she pay for child care while she is in class or working?

Apryl says, "I never resented the baby, but I did begin to second-guess myself and wonder if I was ever going to finish school and accomplish my goals.  When Avion (her son) was 2, I broke up with his father, who had gotten kicked out of the Army.  I needed to be with someone who was ambitious because I had lots of things I wanted to do.  I needed to be with someone more proactive."  We recently wrote about the fact that most couples who have a baby outside of marriage have broken up before the baby is 5 years old.  What are your pregnant daughter's hopes for her relationship with the baby's father?  Does he have the qualities she is looking for in a husband and father to her child?  You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", "Should she make an adoption plan?" and "Our hope for the next five years" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Today, Apryl has been married and divorced.  Her son, Avion, is 19 and in college full time with a full-time job.  "He still has contact with his father even though his father wasn't around much at all when he was growing up despite the fact that we've always lived in the same city."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about this... how will she feel if her baby's father does not participate in raising their child?  How will she feel if he is in the same town as herself and their child yet he's not involved with them?  You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

At 36, Apryl looks back at her life and says, "Having a child so young forced me to grow up quickly.  I wish I would have waited to be in a serious relationship and dated more, gone on trips and had the chance to go to movies, dances, and parties - all those fun things you do when you're in high school and college."  Having a baby outside of marriage can mean the loss of many dreams.  Talk to your pregnant daughter about her fears and her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her with her college dreams and also benefit the child with a two-parent family that is ready to support a child?

Apryl continues, "I don't feel the urge to make up for lost time, but I know I missed out on a lot because I had to stay home and be a mother.  With Avion, I've worked on having a more open relationship than I had with my own mother.  I want him to feel like he can tell me anything about sex, peer pressure, and dating.  I've never tried to hide my experiences.  I tell him that I don't regret having him because I believe it brought me to where I am today."  Talk to your pregnant daughter about this comment.  Tell your daughter how you felt when you became a mother... did you feel you missed out on things?  Did you feel you had to stay home and be a mother?  Do you feel that you've had a more open relationship with your daughter than you had with your own mother?  Ask your daughter how she thinks she will parent differently.  What would she do differently so that her child can talk more easily to her about sex, peer pressure, and dating than she was able to talk to you?

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Connect with your Teen...on Facebook!

78% of teens have a social media account (mostly on Facebook), so you need to connect with your teen there by getting your own account. The National Fatherhood Initiative has these suggestions.

1) Find out what your teens think about Facebook. What do they know about it? How do their friends use it? What do they think about it? Talk about things you see happen on Facebook. It might be anything from “hey, I noticed on Facebook that your friends on the soccer team won districts – that’s great!” to “It looks like your friend Amy broke up with her boyfriend. How’s she doing with that?” If you see behavior or posts by your teen or his/her friends that concerns you, you need to talk about that too and revisit what is and is not appropriate or safe.

2) Ask your teens their opinion on how much personal information you should post publicly on your own Facebook account. This will help you talk to them about the kinds of things they should and should not post. Help your teens understand how they are portraying themselves online. What do her pictures say about her? What do his posts communicate about how he thinks? Talk about the kind of reputation they want to have and how their online behavior shapes that. Remind your teen that potential employers or college admissions officers look at Facebook profiles too.

3) Create a Family Internet Agreement. How old do your kids need to be to join Facebook? How much time are they allowed to spend online? What are the rules for using the internet (i.e., no Facebook until homework is done)? Talk to your kids about the value of face-to-face time in building genuine relationships and how online communication can limit relationships.

4) Be Friends: Friend your kids. Friend their friends. Don’t be shy! Yeah, it might feel like you’re “stalking” your kids, but it’s your job as a parent to be aware of what is going on in your children’s lives. So much of teenagers’ relationships take place online now, so it’s good idea to be in that space with them. Talk to your teens about this – let them know that you’re not trying to spy on them, but that you want to be aware of what’s going on in their life because you care about them.

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Pearl S. Buck "Every Life is a Gift"

Pearl S. Buck wrote the following essay in 1968, as the foreward to Robert E. Cooke's book "Terrible Choice: The Abortion Dilemma."  Note that the vocabulary used to respectfully describe persons with disabilities has changed since 1968 when this essay was published.

As the mother of a child retarded with phenylketonuria, I can ask myself, at this reflective moment, if I had rather she had never been born.  No, let me ask the question fully. Could it have been possible for me to have the foreknowledge of her thwarted life, would I have wanted abortion?

Now with full knowledge of anguish and despair, the answer is No, I would not.  Even in full knowledge I would have chosen life, and this for two reasons: First, I fear the power of choice over life or death at human hands, I see no human being whom I could ever trust with such power- not myself, not any other.

Human wisdowm, human integrity are not great enough.  Since the fetus is a creature already alive and in the process of development, to kill it is to choose death over life.  At what point shall we allow this choice?  For me the answer is - at no point, once life has begun.

At no point, I repeat, either as life begins or as life ends, for we who are human beings cannot, for our own safety, be allowed to choose death, life being all we know.  Beyond life lie only faith and surmise, but not knowledge.  Where there is no knowledge except for life, decision for death is not safe for the human race.

The principle thus established, I go to my second reason for rejection of abortion, in my own case.  My child's life has not been meaningless.  She has indeed brought comfort and practical help to many people who are parents of retarded children or are themselves handicapped.

True, she has done it through me, yet without her I would not have had the means of learning how to accept the inevitable sorrow, and how to make that acceptance useful to others.

Would I be so heartless as to say that it has been worthwhile for my child to be born retarded?  Certainly not, but I am saying that even though gravely retarded it has been worthwhile for her to have lived.

It can be summed up, perhaps, by saying that in this world, where cruelty prevails in so many aspects of our life I would not add the weight of choice to kill rather than to let live.

A retarded child, a handicapped person, brings its own gift to life, even to the life of normal human beings.  That gift is comprehended in the lessons or patiences, understanding, and mercy, lessons which we all need to receive and to practice with one another, whatever we are.

For this gift bestowed upon me by a helpless child, I give my thanks.

What do you think of Pearl's reasoning on abortion?

Real Story: Nikki Parsons

Nikki Parsons tells her story:

She was 17 when she got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas Eve. She says she was scared to death. She was contemplating abortion, but "I knew in my heart I couldn't abort my child, and after seeing the ultrasound my decision was clear."

She kept her pregnancy hidden for three months. "My biggest obstacle was my own thoughts of shame and the betrayal of close friends. For many nights, I cried myself to sleep feeling so alone."

When she finally told everyone, her family and ex-boyfriend (father of the baby) were supportive, even though her mother cried and her father expressed his stress with chain-smoking.

The baby's father begged her not to abort but to give birth and let him raise the child if she didn't want to. She talked to him a few times, but had very little to do with him during her pregnancy. But after an emergency C-section birth, the baby's father re-entered her life to stay.

"Four weeks after bringing my daughter home from the hospital, I started my senior year in high school. My parents and boyfriend's mother would watch my daughter during the day while I was in class. Three years later, we married and now we have two more wonderful children. I am now 30 years old and am in the process of completing my bachelor's degree in social work. Life has not been easy, having many trials and tribulations along the way. My best advice to teenage mothers is never to give up hope on their dreams and love your children with all your heart because they are a blessing no matter what the circumstances."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Nikki's story. What were her feelings when she got a positive pregnancy test? Did she think about aborting her child? What does she think of Nikki's advice to love her child with all her heart because children are a blessing no matter the circumstances? While she was waiting to tell everyone about being pregnant, what were her fears of how people would react? What are your daughter's plans for finishing school? Does your daughter want to marry the baby's father?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Should They Marry?” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Why do teens have kids? South-Central Idaho answers

A recent article about higher teen pregnancy rates in south-central Idaho asked several teens and others why they thought teens were having babies.

18-year-old mother Kiyana said, “We talked about having a baby, but we didn’t actually plan it. Some kids plan to have their babies now, big time. … I just get this vibe that they want to wanted and want to have a kid.”

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this quote. Did your pregnant daughter talk about having a baby with her partner? If so, what did they talk about? What were the reasons pro and con that they discussed? What did they think the benefits and downsides of having a baby together would be?

Did your pregnant daughter actually plan this pregnancy? If she did, what were her reasons? What benefits did she believe would be associated with having her baby at this point in her life?

Ask your kids, “What do you think someone means when they say they want to be wanted?” Does ‘being wanted’ mean love? Does it just mean sex appeal? Do they mean that they think the baby will need, want and love them?

A high school principal is also quoted in the article, explaining his opinion on why there are so many teen parents: “The social stigma [of having a baby as a teen] has gone by the wayside. … It’s a pretty cool thing to bring your child to school” as if the baby were a cute object to take to show-and-tell.

Talk to your kids about this quote. What are their thoughts about the social stigma of being a teen mom? Do they know people who agree that babies are a great item for show-and-tell?

Josh, an 18-year-old father of a 2yr old is also quoted in the article. His opinion about why there are so many teen parents is that “everybody just goes to parties. They get drunk and messed up and can’t control themselves.” Talk to your kids about this opinion. Do they agree that drinking and sex are frequently connected at the parties they go to? Are teens as young as 16 drinking alcohol at the parties they go to? Was alcohol involved in the situation that produced your daughter’s pregnancy?

Josh says that the schools teach abstinence in addition to sex education but that the messages don’t always get through to the teens: “It’s just how teenagers are. They don’t know what to expect and they don’t really care what happens. They just go for it. And we basically go in blind.” Talk to your kids about this opinion. Do the teens they know care whether or not they create a baby? Are they obsessed with sex so much that they don’t control themselves but just go for it regardless of consequences?

Finally, a sex education teacher, Janet, is quoted. Her opinion on why there are so many teen parents is that “Parents don’t do an adequate job. They think their kids are too young to know about sexual things.” What are your thoughts on this opinion? Do you feel you’ve talked to your kids about sex and relationships? Ask your pregnant daughter if she thinks you should have talked to her differently about sex. Consider her advice; do you need to have different conversations with her younger siblings?

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Why do teenagers have kids?

A few weeks ago, Time Magazine met with teens in South Bronx, NY, to find out why they think teenagers have children.

The article notes that "the stigma of single motherhood" is mostly gone.

Many of the teens interviewed "saw teen motherhood as a wonderful thing, but failed to appreciate..the cost until they had been mothers for a while."

Talk to your kids about these quotes.

Straight from the teens, on why they have kids:

17-yr-old girl: "I decided to have kids because it's just so amazing to watch them grow. It's an exciting feeling to teach them. I also love the fact that they will always love me no matter what."

Talk to your kids about how amazing it was to watch them grow and how exciting it was to teach them. Also talk to them about your expectations of whether they would always love you, no matter what. Did your children express that love to you in the way you expected? How is it unrealistic to expect babies, toddlers, children and teens to express unconditional love to mother at all times?

19-year-old father: "Becoming a dad feels great. I feel like it is a good blessing. I love to see my daughter's smile everyday! I feel my child's mother and I will be together for a long time, and may even get married. We don't live together but we are working on getting our own apartment. Since I became a dad most of my friends have kids on the way and they are still in good relationships. Could even get married. Married or not, it doesn't matter, you can provide the right love and more to a baby. I feel having a kid at a young age can help you become wiser and mature, and want to be more successful. However it depends on the person because if you are a teen who doesn't do anything for yourself you are not ready."

What does your pregnant daughter thing about this quote from a teen father? Does your daughter expect that being a mother as a teen will make her wiser and more mature? Does it make her want to be more successful? Does her baby's father act more wise and mature now that he is a father? Does he want to be more successful now?

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