Has your daughter been threatened?

Ebony Chatell Robinson, 21, was pregnant and found dead in December 2007. She was expecting to give birth to a boy in January 2008. The baby's father (aged 39) had threatened her when he found out she was pregnant, and later followed up on that threat by shooting Ebony in the chest three times. He plead guilty to first-degree murder.

News stories of this kind are all too common. Ask your pregnant daughter if she has been threatened by the baby's father. If so, take this seriously. His anger may blow over. But better safe than sorry, so take steps to protect your daughter if she has been threatened. Talk to your local police or to a lawyer to see what legal steps you can take to increase her safety. Brainstorm ways that your daughter can avoid being alone with the person who has threatened her.

Resource Focus: West Pasco Pregnancy Center

West Pasco Pregnancy Center is located in New Port Richey, Florida. The St. Petersburg Times recently published a small article about them.

They offer "limited medical clinic to do obstetrical ultrasounds for early pregnancy detection."

"Other services the center offers include pregnancy testing, confidential counseling, classes for pre-natal and newborn care combined with material assistance, childbirth classes, parenting programs, life-skill programs, post-abortion counseling, adoption support, STD/abstinence education and community referrals."

Call OptionLine at 800-395-HELP to see if there is a local pregnancy center that can help your family.

Mom is Hurt and Angry

A recent advice column titled "Help! My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant" by By Dr. Gail Saltz, TODAYShow.com contributor, gave a good overall response to the upset parent. The mother of the teen who has fathered a child with his girlfriend is hurt, crying, and angry. She appears to feel that his girlfriend got pregnant intentionally in order to get married. This hurting mother is very clearly in a grief cycle. Dr. Saltz says, "Your feelings are partly a manifestation of dashed hopes and dreams for your [child's] future." This is how parents on both sides of the situation may feel. You are in a grief cycle, but don't allow yourself to get stuck there!

Dr. Saltz continues, "But what’s done is done. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to berate your son or being cool toward his girlfriend. All you will do is drive him further away. ... Expressing your concern about the future is fine, but expressing hurt, anger and disapproval toward your son and his girlfriend will not get you anywhere. If you continue with such an adversarial position, you might end up with a son who hates you and a grandchild you never see." Find a safe friend, a pastor, or a counselor to whom you can vent your hurt, anger, and disapproval. When talking with your pregnant daughter or the baby's father, focus on problem solving and skills training, not on blaming and berating. Dr. Saltz recommends, "You can be kind, supportive and forgiving to your son [or daughter] at the same time you make it clear that he made a bad decision and must now deal with the consequences."

The mother in the advice column has a younger daughter, and she wants to give this younger daughter a very strong message. You may have children that are younger siblings to your pregnant daughter too. Dr. Saltz says, "I do agree with you that it will be important to make it clear to your young daughter why this was a poor choice on her brother's part and the ways this will make life difficult. .... You do not need to ostracize her brother and girlfriend to make this message clear."

"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can do your best in teaching your kids to make better choices, but you can’t control every choice they make. When they make a bad one, it's best to make your disagreement clear, but also to maintain an open door rather than cutting them off." You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" which has lots of tips on how to cope with this crisis.

Protect your daughter

A recent news article titled "Jury reaches verdict in death of pregnant teen" summarizes the story of Chelsea Brooks, a 14-year-old girl who was nine months pregnant when she was murdered in 2006. The baby's father was 22. It appears that the girl's parents had received a court order for the baby's father to stay away from their daughter, because he was convicted of "violating a protection from abuse order." In addition, the baby's father was convicted of capital murder, "kidnapping, rape of a child under age of 14, ... and indecent liberties with a child."

If your pregnant daughter is a minor and the baby's father is not a minor, talk to a lawyer about the statuatory rape laws for your state and pray about whether you should press charges. If your pregnant daughter has been abused by the baby's father, talk to a lawyer about a court order for her protection. Take time to consider the physical safety of your daughter if the baby's father poses a threat. The greater the age difference between your teen daughter and the male she is dating, the more possibility that he is in a threatening or controlling position over her. Don't allow your teen daughter to date anyone more than 3 years older than herself.

Money Matters

The National Fatherhood Initiative has some good times for teaching your children about money. Let's apply these tips to your pregnant daughter.

What are her money priorities? When she gets money, what is the first thing she spends it on? Now that she is pregnant, what new expenses does she have now that she didn't use to have?

Discourage debt. If your pregnant teen or college student has a credit card in their own name, how have they used that card? Is it maxed out? Have they paid it off each month? Have you been paying it off for them? Together, use a search engine to find online calculators that can show your daughter how long it would take to pay off a credit card, etc. If you are paying your daughter's credit card bills, discuss the rules: what can she buy on it? Under what circumstances would you take the card away from her (or refuse to pay any more bills)?

Help your daughter write out a budget that also includes saving something for the future and giving something to church or a charity. For more budget categories, you may find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Should she parent alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Three Times a Baby

When 22-year-old Mieisha learned she was pregnant, she was shocked. But discovering she was pregnant with triplets was more than she could handle - especially since she was teetering on the brink of homelessness. Life had not been easy for Mieisha. Growing up around crime-ridden Compton in inner-city Los Angeles, she already had a 3-year-old son. Two years ago she had an abortion which was an experience that shook her.

"I was sleeping on the floor with rats," she says, describing her life when she had her abortion. "My son and I were sitting outside at 3AM at the bus stop in the rain. I couldn't bring a baby into that." So before the abortion, she made a deal with God. "I got down on my knees and prayed," she says. "I told God that if he gave me another baby, I wouldn't do abortion again, no matter how hard it was."

That was a deal she knew she had to keep. But triplets? How could she manage?

Her situation seemed impossible. Although she currently lives with a cousin, the threat of homelessness is very real. Because of her difficult pregnancy, she cannot hold down a steady job. Despite her promise to God, she didn't know how she could support three more babies.

Then she went to the Grace Elliot Center.

An outreach of Trinity Chapel in Compton, the Grace Elliot Center is a CareNet affiliate. This program seeks to provide compassion, support, and the love of Jesus Christ to women in underserved urban communities where abortion clinics vastly outnumber pregnancy centers. Center Director Tera Hilliard's heart went out to Mieisha on the first day of their Life Skills class. "When she announced she was having triplets, the whole room just turned to look at her," Tera recalls. "And I saw the 'but' on her face. The 'I'm keeping them, but...' that meant there was still that window where she could possibly abort. "So I told her we wanted to help her in any way that we could," Tera says, "We serve a big God, and if He can handle one baby, He can handle three."

Things began to change for Mieisha. With the support she received from Tera and her new friends at the Grace Elliot Center, she decided not to abort her babies. She's keeping them - and to do that, she's learning how to get her priorities in order.

"My kids come first. I'm getting my foundation right," Mieisha says. She wants to start her own business as a way to support her family. And, most importantly - for the first time ever - she has hope. Mieisha wishes she had heard of the Grace Elliot Center before she had her first abortion. If she had, she probably would have kept that baby, too. That's something Tera hears often. According to Tera, L.A. County is broken into roughly a dozen Service Planning Areas, and Compton's area "has a high rate of everything: crime, abortion, infant mortality, diabetes...all the horrible things that go on in L.A. County." The young mothers there are not often aware that they have options - or hope. As for Mieisha, she's looking forward to the future that the Grace Elliot Center has given her and her babies.

The above true story is excerpted from the Fall/Winter 2008 edition of "Care Net Report" and was written up by Lisa Schmitt.

See if there is a pregnancy help center near you, by visiting OptionLine.org or calling 800-395-HELP.

Dating Dos and Don'ts

The National Fatherhood Initiative offers some tips to parents in the article linked in the title of this post.

1. First, Dads: Set a Good Example. "Treat the mother of your children with respect. Your sons will learn how to treat women well and your daughters will have good standards for the men that come into their life. It may seem trite, but it really is true - kids may learn more from your behavior than they learn from the words you say."

2. Practice listening. "Give your kids a chance to sound off about relationships and the opposite sex. Spend one on one time with your kids and earn their trust."

3. Speak the lingo. Take the time to learn about the sublanguage used in text messages and instant messages. Monitor the time that your kids spend online. Consider having all computers in a public room of the house, not in their bedroom.

4. Set Boundaries. "This point is crucial. Time, locations, activities, and required numbers (group dates vs. one on one dates) should all be included. Discuss how you came to these boundaries with your kids and let them join in the discussion as appropriate. Remember to adjust boundaries according to your kids' age and maturity levels."

5. Be In The Know. "Meet your kids' friends and their dates. Ask questions. No, your teen won't like it, but being a parent sometimes means you can't be a friend."

6. Start Early. Don't wait for the perfect moment to have a talk...it will never happen.

October is "Let's Talk" Month

A recent article titled "Parents encouraged to talk to teens about preventing teen pregnancy" reminds readers that according to the "National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens report that their parents influence their decisions about sex more than their friends, the media, or their siblings."

You, the parent, can make a difference!

The article says that

• "research shows that families that engage in regular, honest conversations about healthy relationships and sexual decision-making are an important part of preventing teen pregnancy."
• "a majority of teens agree that it would be easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents."
• “Kids who understand their parents’ beliefs and expectations are more likely to go along with those beliefs,” said Henderson-Shuppy.
• Parents can initiate conversations with simple questions such as, “What is the right age to begin dating?” or “How do you know if you’re in love?”"

So talk to your teens. And listen to your teens! Questions to get the conversation rolling:
-What makes a relationship healthy?
-What makes a relationship unhealthy?
-When is someone ready to have sex?
-Explain your beliefs and expectations about sex. Explain WHY you believe that way, and WHY you hold those expectations. Then ask what your teens think.
-What is love?
-What is infatuation?
-How can you tell the difference between love and infatuation?

Talking about sex

Parents sometimes ask "I was a bit "wild" in the area of sex when I was a teen. So now I feel like a hypocrite talking to my teen about sex. What should I do?"

Watch this short video answer by Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative.

I love what he says:

Hypocrisy is when you tell your kid not to do something that you’re still doing. So if you’re smoking marijuana, and you tell your kid, “don’t smoke marijuana,” you’re a hypocrite.

Growth is where you tell your kid not to do something that you once did that you learned from and that you found was inappropriate.

So when you’re having your discussion with your kids about sex, for example, this is one where, frankly, you might have growth in this area. What you want to make sure that you do with them is help them avoid the experiences that you had that were inappropriate. That’s what we do all the time.

Most teen pregnancies caused by adult men

In the news article linked to in the title of the post, there is a quote that says "Half of the time, a teen pregnancy does not even involve two teens close in age. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy estimates 52 percent of the fathers are three years or more older than the moms; and about two-thirds of the fathers are age 20 and over."

The statistic which says that "about two-thirds [66%] of the fathers are age 20 and over" includes 19-year old girls who are pregnant by 20 year old (and older) men. It also includes very young teens who are pregnant by men who are not teens themselves.

The other statistic above says that 52% of the time, a teen girl is pregnant by a male at least 3 years older than herself.

The article continues with an example, "In Illinois, the largest group of fathers involved in fathering a child with a teenage mother were between the ages of 20 and 24 -- that age group accounted for 48 percent of teen births during 2006, the latest year available. Only 10 percent of the fathers were under age 18."

Is an age difference of three years or more a big deal? For teens it definitely is:
"The older the partner, the greater the risk for abuse. One in five American teen girls has had sex with a sexual partner who is three or more years older, according to a report released in April by Child Trends, an independent research center that focuses on children and families. Even if the relationship is consensual, there is a significant power difference that puts the man in a controlling role. The risk of unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease increases significantly with older partners because they are less likely to use condoms, the report said."

If your teen daughter is pregnant by a male three or more years older than her, you may decide to talk to a lawyer about the statuatory rape laws for your state. Are your other children dating people that are too old or too young for them (a three year age difference or more)? If so, consider intervening in that relationship. And talk to all your teens about dating and sex. We posted previously about how you can talk to your kids to help them avoid teen pregnancy.

Stress and Support

A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year.

Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.

Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this statistic. Does she plan to be a single parent, or to marry the baby's father? What are her thoughts about how she can better handle the stress of being a parent after her baby is born? How will she maintain contact with friends and family? How will she get to church at least once a week? What social groups will she attend regularly? For example, does your church have a single parent's support group? Or a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group? Does your pregnant daughter have a history of depression? If so, she should be prepared to take quick action if she gets depressed after the baby is born.

If your family does not have the resources to help your pregnant daughter with these needs for emotional and social support and she does not plan to marry the baby's father, consider whether an adoption plan would provide benefits for both the child and your daughter.

Help your daughter get emotional support right now, during her pregnancy, by attending classes at your local pregnancy help center. Your daughter can learn about parenting and adoption, decision-making skills, relationship skills, and maybe even financial skills and job skills if those topics are available.

Single Moms Often Poor

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.

In 2002, 7.8% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4% of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If he is a safe person and has the potential to provide for his family and to learn parenting skills, your daughter should seek counseling about whether to marry him. I strongly recommend that any couple get good pre-marriage counseling that teaches them about managing expectations, communication skills, and gives the basics of financial skills such as budgeting and balancing a checkbook. In addition, the couple will need to be attending parenting skills classes so that they both participate in caring for the needs of their child. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?"

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure?

If no father-figure is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

If your daughter is determined to be a single mother, what job skills does your she currently have? How can you help your pregnant daughter improve her job skills? What kind of career could she train for quickly? What financial help for living expenses or career training expenses are available in your family? Where can she get quality childcare while she is at work? You may also want to read the "Childcare Responsibilities" chapter in our book .

Words Matter

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Words Matter- Positive Strokes ". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

Having a pregnant teen or college-aged daughter in your family can be very emotional for the entire family. Many of those emotions may be negative: fear, anger, shame, embarrassment, confusion, depression, blame, etc. Your entire family needs extra love and support during this experience. With so much emotion and possibly lots of negativity, each member of your family can feel wounded. This lesson looks at how your family can talk to each other to help support and heal each other rather than tear each other to shreds.

"People have a “hunger” or desire to have their human psychological needs met. One desire is the need to feel that others recognize the positive things about you."

While it may be true that your daughter has acted sinfully by being involved in sex outside of marriage, this action does not define her entire person. She still has many positive qualities despite her actions. Similarly, while it might be true that you were not the perfect attentive parent, this action does not define your entire person either. There are many positive qualities about you despite your parenting actions.

With your family and daughter, read over the worksheet in this lesson, titled "Strokes":
"Eric Berne points out in his book Games People Play that humans are “stroke hungry.” This means that in order to have a full and meaningful life, a person has to be acknowledged by others. A stroke is defined as a unit of human recognition. As infants, we receive most of our strokes through touch; in fact, studies have shown that infants have died because of a lack of touch. Touch remains a stroke throughout life, but as we mature, words and various non-verbal ways of getting strokes are added. If we don’t get enough strokes, we suffer from stroke hunger. It is important for us to understand that strokes are NOT A LUXURY BUT A BASIC NECESSITY for us to survive."

"Strokes can be positive or negative. A simple hug is a positive stroke and usually makes the recipient feel good. This is the kind of strokes we like to receive. When people do not get positive strokes, they would rather have negative strokes than none at all. For example, a person can learn to survive being yelled at or ridiculed more easily than being ignored or treated with indifference. With negative strokes, at least the individual’s presence is acknowledged. Positive and negative strokes can also be given for doing something, for behaving in a certain way. This is called a conditional stroke."

How do the various members of your family give out strokes? Pay more attention to the strokes your family members are giving and receiving today. What qualities in yourself do you wish your family would appreciate more? Do you give more negative or postivie strokes to your daughter now that she is pregnant? Do you tend to give out conditional strokes (focusing on behavior) rather than unconditional strokes? Could you think of ways to affirm your daughter as a person? What good qualities does she have? What positive actions has she taken recently?

The lesson also talks about "discounting":
"In order to increase our self-esteem, we must be aware of how we strengthen ourselves. The term 'discounting' means anything that devalues us as human beings. Discounting can have negative effects. When you receive a compliment, accept it as a positive stroke. Don’t discount the compliment by having negative thoughts or disagreeing. Some of the ways that people discount a compliment or positive stroke is to turn it into a negative. They might respond by looking embarrassed, shaking heads, looking down, or disagreeing with the compliment. For example, if a person tells you, “You look nice in those clothes.” A person who has low self-esteem may discount the compliment by blushing and responding with, “This old thing. It’s about ready for the rag bag.” Look for body language that indicates ways in which you or others discount positive strokes."

What habits do your family members have that they use to discount compliments? Talk about these habits. You and your family may find it helpful to get emotional support and counseling from a pregnancy help center, your church leadership, or a professional counselor. Don't let this experience of your daughter's pregnancy destroy your family: get the help you need!

Help your pregnant daughter eat right

CBSNews.com recently posted an article titled "Tips For Eating Healthfully While Pregnant". This article lists five foods that your pregnant daughter should avoid:

1. Avoid Alcohol. "In the not-so-distant past some doctors suggested moderate drinking during pregnancy might be OK. Not anymore. In an advisory issued by the U.S. government in February 2005, U.S. Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona, MD, MPH, issued a warning that no amount of alcohol can be considered safe during pregnancy."
   Why is alcohol dangerous during pregnancy? "Alcohol increases a baby's risk of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD) - a series of developmental problems that can affect a child's ability to learn throughout their lifetime. In its most extreme form fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) can cause varying degrees of birth defects and mental retardation."
   What if your daughter drank alcohol before she knew she was pregnant? "If your pregnancy was a surprise - and you unknowingly consumed alcohol during the first several weeks after conception - experts say don't panic. If you stop drinking the moment you discover you're pregnant, and meet your daily requirement of folic acid (400 micrograms) you can dramatically decrease your baby's risk of any serious consequences."


2. Avoid Saccharin. Why avoid this? "This is of concern since some animal studies have shown that in high enough amounts saccharin may increase the risk of bladder cancer. Since research on monkeys has shown that a developing fetus is much less effective at clearing saccharin from the blood than an adult, at least theoretically, amounts of the artificial sweetener can build to a dangerous level."
   What if your daughter consumed saccharin before she knew she was pregnant? "If you were consuming saccharin before you knew you were pregnant, don't panic. The risks are small during the early weeks of pregnancy. As long as you don't consume any more, your baby's health should not be affected."


3. Avoid Seafood with a high mercury level. "According to the March of Dimes, you can safely consume up to 12 ounces (two average meals) per week of fish that is lower in mercury. This includes shrimp, canned light tuna, salmon, pollack, and catfish. The FDA, however, suggests limiting albacore (white) tuna, and tuna steak to 6 ounces per week. These two contain more mercury than canned light tuna."


4. Avoid Too much caffeine. "There isn't anything definitive on caffeine but there is some suggestion it may increase the risk of miscarriage and low birth weight - plus, it's a mild stimulant and a diuretic, both of which are not ideal during pregnancy," says Aston. ... limit consumption to about 300 mg daily, the amount found in around 3 cups of coffee."


5. Avoid Unpasteurized Cheeses and Lunch Meats. Why? "The problem here is a form of food poisoning known as listeriosis . Caused by a bacterium known as Listeria monocytogenes, it can increase the risk of miscarriage, premature birth, or stillbirth. A newborn baby exposed to Listeria can become seriously ill and die." This bacteria has been in the news a lot recently.
   Where is the bacteria found? "This bacteria lurks in foods that are unpasteurized - particularly soft cheeses such as feta, Brie, Camembert, Roquefort, blue-veined, queso blanco, queso fresco, or Panela. Listeria can also be found in unpasteurized fruit juices, as well as hot dogs or deli meats such as ham, turkey, salami, or bologna."

There are some foods your pregnant daughter should be eating:

1. Eat bran cereal with extra fiber. "In research conducted at the Swedish Medical Center in Seattle, doctors found that 24 grams of fiber daily reduced risks of preeclampsia (a dangerous form of high blood pressure) by a whopping 51 percent. Plus, the extra fiber can reduce constipation and help you avoid another common pregnancy problem: hemorrhoids . Most important, many high-fiber cereals are also rich in folic acid. This is important to reduce the risk of birth defects. Cereals containing high fiber and 100 percent of your daily folic acid need include: Kellogg's All Bran, Total Wheat Flakes, Total Corn Flakes, Total Raisin Bran, Kellogg's Product 19, Multigrain Cheerios, and Smart Start."


2. Drink orange juice. "Just 2 cups a day can reduce your blood pressure by up to 10 points, according to experts at The Cleveland Clinic. This could be critical if your pressure rises during pregnancy. The high vitamin C count may also help reduce your risk of preeclampsia (see Banana Strawberry Smoothie). If you choose a brand fortified with calcium, such as Minute Maid or Tropicana, you'll be adding an additional nutritional boost. Orange juice contains a good amount of folic acid - about 15% of the recommended amount of folate each day in an 8-ounce glass."


3. Drink a banana-strawberry smoothie. "This drink is so packed with baby-friendly nutrients it could help reduce pregnancy complications . In a study published in the journal Epidemiology doctors found pregnant women who consumed lots of C-rich foods - such as bananas and strawberries - had a lower risk of preeclampsia. Studies from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill show women lacking vitamin C during pregnancy may have an increased risk of premature rupture of membranes - a leading cause of premature birth. Plus, experts say high-calcium foods like yogurt and milk may help control fluid retention which may further decrease your risk of high blood pressure. To make a smoothie: Combine strawberries and bananas with low-fat milk, or yogurt, plus some ice, in a high-speed blender. Blend until creamy and smooth - and drink up"


4. Eat salmon. "Although the FDA advises limiting salmon to 12 ounces per week, studies published in the BMJ showed just 6 ounces weekly reduces the risk of premature birth from 7.1 percent to just 1.9 percent. To help your newborn sleep soundly, try eating more fish during pregnancy. Indeed, research published in the Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed babies of mothers who consumed fatty acids found in fish during their last trimester, had healthier sleep patterns. The key component here is a fatty acid known as DHA, which is abundant in cold-water fish such as salmon."


5. Eat low-fat yogurt. "The obvious pregnancy benefits here include high calcium and high protein - both important to your developing baby. But these same foods might also help reduce muscle cramping, a sometimes troubling problem during pregnancy. Calcium can also reduce uncomfortable bloating and water retention. In addition, medical literature indicates that, anecdotally, eating yogurt during pregnancy appears to reduce the risk of yeast infections - another common pregnancy problem."

Take this list of foods with you to your daughter's next doctor's appointment and ask the doctor if all of these foods are appropriate for your daughter. If your daughter has an allergy to any of the beneficial foods, what could she substitute in order to get the nutrition she and her baby need? Help your daughter eat right by serving your entire family food that is healthy. Keep the junk food out of the house so that it doesn't tempt anyone.

Interracial pregnancy risks

A recent news articled titled "Pregnancy Risks Differ for Interracial Couples" reported results from a study on the pregnancy risks in Asian-White couples. Previous research studies have examined White & African-American couples.

Here are some of the study's findings:

• "Gestational diabetes rates were higher among Asian-white couples than among white couples regardless of which parent was Asian"
  
• "Caesarean delivery was least common for white-mother/Asian-father couples but most common when the mother was Asian and the father white"
  
• "Average birth weights were lowest for Asian couples (7.07 lb), highest for Caucasian couples (7.49 lb), and intermediate for mixed couples (7.40 lb for Asian-mother/white-father and 7.32 lb for white-mother/Asian-father)"
  
• "Interracial couples were at intermediate risk of having a baby who was large for gestational age, but the difference was of only borderline significance for Asian-mother/white-father couples and not significant for white-mother/Asian-father couples compared with white couples"
  

If the baby's father is a different ethnicity than your pregnant daughter, make sure her doctor knows this so that he can be aware of any potential risks related to both ethnicities.

Dieting and Pregnancy

A recent article titled "Women Who Diet Before Pregnancy Gain the Most Weight While Pregnant" was on WebMD.com.

"When they are not pregnant, many women are really trying to hold their weight down. But when they become pregnant the message they get is 'Eat for two; give in to your cravings,'" Siega-Riz tells WebMD. And thus the tend to eat too much and gain more weight than they should during pregnancy.

What's the big deal about gaining too much weight during pregnancy? Well, it exposes mother and baby to some risks: "Women who gain too much weight during pregnancy have more C-sections, more preeclampsia, and are more likely to have babies with growth problems.
Surprisingly, normal-weight women don't need much more food once they're pregnant:

Extra daily calories needed during the first trimester: 0
Extra daily calories needed during the second trimester: 340
Extra daily calories needed during the third trimester: 450

It's a different story only for women who are underweight before pregnancy, but who restrict their diets anyway. These women, Siega-Riz and colleagues found, did not gain enough weight during pregnancy -- and many likely suffer from eating disorders.

"Pregnancy doesn't require you to eat that much more calories -- just an extra glass of milk and an apple during the last two trimesters," Siega-Riz says. "But you have to make sure you are eating a nutrient-dense, healthy diet and not becoming physically inactive."

Was your pregnant daughter underweight or overweight before she became pregnant? Did you daughter diet often before she became pregnant? With your pregnant daughter, learn about nutrition and about the way she should eat while pregnant. Talk to her doctor and find out how much weight the doctor wants your daughter to gain during each trimester of her pregnancy.

Reducing Conflict and Anger

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Resolving Conflicts and Anger- Improving Situations Through Communication ". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your spouse, your family, your pregnant daughter, and maybe even the father of the baby.

You know that your daughter's pregnancy can stir up a lot of emotion in your family. We've discussed several times how each person in the family may be processing their own grief cycle of shock, anger, depression, and bargaining. This lesson teaches a method of communicating that may help your family reduce the conflict and anger.

First, let's look at the lesson's questionnaire. Have each person fill out the questions, then compare answers.

When I am having a problem, disagreement or am in conflict with someone, I usually… (Check all that apply.)

• Put off dealing with the situation
• Get mad, get loud so I get my way
• Try to meet the other person half way
• Criticize or attack the other person
• Give a lot of reasons to show I’m right
• Just give in but find another way to punish the person
• Treat the other person as if s/he is a child who needs a parent to explain how the conflict will be resolved
• Try to help the other person get what s/he wants
• Complain or sulk until I get my way
• Explain my point of view, ask the other person to do the same, and listen to his/her response
• Keep my ideas to myself
• Change the subject
• Find humor in the situation and try not to take yourself too seriously
• Try to understand the other person’s point of view
• Get another person to decide who’s right
• Try to work out a compromise that we both can agree to
  

The type of person I find it easiest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

The type of person I find it hardest to discuss a problem/conflict with is…

Because…

Ideally, I would like to communicate my needs during a conflict in the following way(s)...

Often times when people are angry, they don't communicate as carefully as when they are calm. Discuss the worksheets in the lesson, and see if your entire family can start practicing this way of communicating.

"Sometimes people in anger, begin a conversation or an argument with phrases like, “You always,” or “You never,” that make the receiver of the message very defensive."

"One communication strategy to help reduce conflict is to use the “W.I.N. Strategy.” WIN stands for: “When you..., I feel..., I need...”

"The WIN strategy changes the emphasis from an attack on the other person, to how the other person’s actions make the speaker feel."

The WIN strategy:

W = When you (state the specific behavior that bothers you)
I = I feel (express your feeling or thought)
N = I need/want (state the specific behavior you would like instead)