The Secret Life of the American Teenager

This article on USAToday.com gives an overview of the upcoming new show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". This could be a golden opportunity to talk about tough issues with your entire family.

Teenager, which Hampton calls "7th Heaven with sex," opens with Amy (Shailene Woodley), a smart but vulnerable high school student, discovering she is pregnant after a first-time tryst at band camp. Her story opens the door to numerous character relationships involving students and their families. "It's a lot of people, but that means there's a lot of stories to pick and choose from," Hampton says. Amy would not have her baby until after the 10-episode first season, if Teenager is renewed. Ringwald, the '80s teen-movie queen (The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) who plays Amy's mother, says her role illustrates the variety of stories. "One of the reasons my character, who is pretty intelligent and fairly liberal, doesn't pick up on something in front of her is that she's focused on the demise of her marriage." In addition to marital problems and unplanned pregnancy, Teenager will explore other tough topics, such as a student who tries to deal with childhood sexual abuse. Some teens will be sexually active; a main character is a Christian committed to abstinence.

Hampton says Teenager will handle sex "in a very clean way," although some topics may be too much for preteens. The show is "a love story, but also a very long and interesting cautionary tale." Teenager can deal with those topics and still fit the network's family-friendly approach, Lee says. "We're going to tell it in an optimistic, relatable way, and we're going to be responsible about it. Our story lines are going to resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." Many of Teenager's topics, including pregnancy, aren't that different from the days of Ringwald's earlier films, says the actress, who played a pregnant teen in For Keeps?. Some parents "are still really unwilling to talk about sex frankly with their kids," she says. "It's so much better to talk about it with your kids, and I hope this show opens that dialogue. It really is perfect for ABC Family."

Consider watching this with your family and using it as an opening for discussion. The article above says the show will "resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." See if your family agrees.

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Secrets

By blogging about alternative living arrangements such as maternity homes, and about adoption, we've touched painful places in people's lives. A Christian pregnant single faces difficult decisions no matter what she chooses: being a single mother can be difficult (see here, here, here, and here for example to see what challenges the single mother and child will need to solve), being married can be difficult (what relationship on earth does NOT have its ups and downs??), having an abortion can be difficult (see here, here and here), and making an adoption plan can be difficult. There are no easy paths, and these decisions affect not only the future physical, emotional and spiritual health of the woman and her child but also the baby's father, her family and the family of the baby's father. No decision should be made casually or quickly..they all require research, prayer, Godly input from outside sources, and time to think the decision over carefully.

Here are bits of the emails we got recently that we'd like to respond to.

As a Christian myself I was always raised with the belief that children were blessings from God. Certainly it was considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage, but that child was not the sin, simply the mother's actions. Certainly I'm not an adovcate of running around getting pregnant without being married, however it concerns me that you are encouraging parents (of WOMEN 25 and under...well above the legal minor age of 18), to continue to judge their daughters if they get pregnant.

We absolutely agree that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 is very clear about children, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 139 also discusses the wonder of children: "13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. " (NLT)

In this previous post (and this one, among others) we also agree that we should not love the sin, but should love the sinner. With social researchers and commentators saying that adolesence now persists into the mid 20s or even 30s (here and here, for example), with more and more college graduates (up to 50%) moving back in with their parents, with age 25 being the average age of marriage for women in America currently, parents of both teens and 20-somethings may find themselves with a pregnant single under their roof. Should these Christian parents be judging their daughters? (Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." and Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.") So no, judging is not appropriate as Christians. But parents do have to evaluate actions and consequences as with any other situation (Proverbs 10:17; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11; Revelation 3:19; and others). Christian families with pregnant singles do exist and some of them do desire advice from a Christian perspective. These are the families we're attempting to reach out to.

It seems as if your blog is promoting shame and secrecy, much like eras past where women were sent to maternity homes to hide their unwed pregnancies.

We definitely do not want to promote secrecy! Consider, though, that there are many reasons for a pregnant woman to live at a maternity home besides secrecy! Sometimes the pregnant woman is homeless for various reasons. Sometimes she needs to escape from damaging relationships. Sometimes she desires the in-depth counseling, education classes and skill building classes that many maternity homes offer. Sometimes she wants to live with other pregnant women so that she doesn't feel alone in her situation. Most maternity homes interview the pregnant woman...if she doesn't want to be there, they probably won't accept her into their program. Most maternity homes have waiting lists of women that actively want to be there and they will not allocate a bed to those who do not want the program they offer. As we mention in our post about maternity homes, "forcing" someone to live there makes many more long-term problems than it may solve short term.

Both the pregnant woman and her parents need to think and pray a lot about any decision about the preborn child where the main motivation is secrecy. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy," we talk several times about the fact that secrecy can be very damaging emotionally and spiritually. Two chapters, "Trying to Hide", and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in particular deal with this topic.

Thank you for reading our blog, we welcome your feedback!

Picking An Adoption Organization

If your daughter has decided to make an adoption plan for her child, she has lots of different choices. First, will she work with a licensed adoption agency or directly with adoption lawyers?

Questions to ask the adoption agency or adoption lawyer:

• How many adoptions has the organization facilitated?
• How much choice can the birthmother have when selecting parents? How many waiting couples are currently in their portfolio? (Related question for you to decide: How much choice do you want? Do you have only general criteria, or do you have a long wish list that the waiting couple should match?)
• Can the organization arrange medical care or contribute towards medical bills? If so, how much and for what expenses?
• Can the organization arrange for you to receive monetary assistance for living expenses or school expenses? If so, how much and for what expenses?
• Can the organization arrange or provide counseling before, during and after the adoption?
• Does the organization provide adoption services only in your state, or in every state? (Related question for you to decide: Do you want to select a waiting couple that lives in your state or that may live in a different state?)
• Ask which adoption professional affiliations the organization is a member of.
• What are the adoption-related philosphies that are foundational to the organization? (Is adoption just a business to them? Has anyone on staff been a birthmother? Has anyone on staff been an adoptive parent? Is adoption facilitation based on religious ideals?)

Check up on the organizations that you are interested in. Contact the Better Business Bureau of the state where they are located and see if any complaints have been filed against them. Don't be shy about asking to see proof of licensing or any service review documentation. Ask if there are birthmothers who have worked with that organization that are willing to talk to you (even though these are likely to only be those women who are happy with their services). There are hundreds of adoption agencies and lawyers, so find someone you're really comfortable with!

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" has several chapters about different issues surrounding adoption, which you may find helpful: "Should She Parent Alone?", "Should We Adopt The Baby?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?"

Your Pregnant Daughter Should Be Tested for STDs

As you may know, there is a lot of misinformation out there about pregnancy and health. Talk with your daughter about this information, and make sure she gets the medical care that she needs. If you cannot afford a private OBGYN visit, your local public health office may be able to offer STD testing. From the CDC Fact Sheet:

Can pregnant women become infected with sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?

Yes, women who are pregnant can become infected with the same sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) as women who are not pregnant. Pregnancy does not provide women or their babies any protection against STDs. The consequences of an STD can be significantly more serious, even life threatening, for a woman and her baby if the woman becomes infected with an STD while pregnant. It is important that women be aware of the harmful effects of STDs and know how to protect themselves and their children against infection.

How common are STDs in pregnant women in the United States?

Some STDs, such as genital herpes and bacterial vaginosis, are quite common in pregnant women in the United States. Other STDs, notably HIV and syphilis, are much less common in pregnant women. The table below shows the estimated number of pregnant women in the United States who are infected with specific STDs each year.

STDs Estimated Number of Pregnant Women
Bacterial vaginosis 1,080,000
Herpes simplex virus 2 880,000
Chlamydia 100,000
Trichomoniasis 124,000
Gonorrhea 13,200
Hepatitis B 16,000
HIV 6,400
Syphilis <1 ,000

How do STDs affect a pregnant woman and her baby?

STDs can have many of the same consequences for pregnant women as women who are not pregnant. STDs can cause cervical cancer and other cancers, chronic hepatitis, pelvic inflammatory disease, infertility, and other complications. Many STDs in women are silent; that is, without signs or symptoms.

STDs can be passed from a pregnant woman to the baby before, during, or after the baby’s birth. Some STDs (like syphilis) cross the placenta and infect the baby while it is in the uterus (womb). Other STDs (like gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis B, and genital herpes) can be transmitted from the mother to the baby during delivery as the baby passes through the birth canal. HIV can cross the placenta during pregnancy, infect the baby during the birth process, and unlike most other STDs, can infect the baby through breastfeeding.

A pregnant woman with an STD may also have early onset of labor, premature rupture of the membranes surrounding the baby in the uterus, and uterine infection after delivery.
The harmful effects of STDs in babies may include stillbirth (a baby that is born dead), low birth weight (less than five pounds), conjunctivitis (eye infection), pneumonia, neonatal sepsis (infection in the baby’s blood stream), neurologic damage, blindness, deafness, acute hepatitis, meningitis, chronic liver disease, and cirrhosis. Most of these problems can be prevented if the mother receives routine prenatal care, which includes screening tests for STDs starting early in pregnancy and repeated close to delivery, if necessary. Other problems can be treated if the infection is found at birth.

Should pregnant women be tested for STDs?

Yes, STDs affect women of every socioeconomic and educational level, age, race, ethnicity, and religion. The CDC 2006 Guidelines for Treatment of Sexually Transmitted Diseases recommend that pregnant women be screened on their first prenatal visit for STDs which may include:
Chlamydia
Gonorrhea
Hepatitis B
HIV
Syphilis

In addition, some experts recommend that women who have had a premature delivery in the past be screened and treated for bacterial vaginosis at the first prenatal visit. Pregnant women should ask their doctors about getting tested for these STDs, since some doctors do not routinely perform these tests. New and increasingly accurate tests continue to become available. Even if a woman has been tested in the past, she should be tested again when she becomes pregnant.

Can STDs be treated during pregnancy?

Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, trichomoniasis, and bacterial vaginosis (BV) can be treated and cured with antibiotics during pregnancy. There is no cure for viral STDs, such as genital herpes and HIV, but antiviral medication may be appropriate for pregnant women with herpes and definitely is for those with HIV. For women who have active genital herpes lesions at the time of delivery, a cesarean delivery (C-section) may be performed to protect the newborn against infection. C-section is also an option for some HIV-infected women. Women who test negative for hepatitis B may receive the hepatitis B vaccine during pregnancy.

How can women protect themselves from STD infection?
The surest way to avoid transmission of sexually transmitted diseases is to abstain from sexual contact, or to be in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship (like marriage) with a partner who has been tested and is known to be uninfected.

Parents: You Do Make A Difference

Continuing our theme of talking with your children about sexuality, here are excerpts from this article. You may feel that your children don't want to hear from you about personal issues such as sex, but surveys continue to indicate that kids DO want you to share your knowledge and express your opinions.

In a 2007 survey commissioned by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 47 percent of young persons age 12 through 19 listed parents as having the most influence in decisions regarding sex. Among those age 12 through 14, parents were even more important. Nearly 60 percent of adolescents surveyed listed parents as most important. Friends came in a distant second with 18 percent of young people listing them as most influential and just 13 percent of those age 12 to 14. The survey involved 1,037 adolescents and teenagers and 1,162 adults.
"Year after year, teens cite parents as one of the most influential sources about their decisions about sex. They say it consistently and by large margins," said Bill Albert, the campaign's chief program officer. "It really goes hand in glove with very good social science research that has suggested kids who are closely connected to their parents are less likely to engage in destructive behaviors, including smoking, drinking and being sexually active," Albert said. "Parents really are critical. I don't think parents know that."

The article continues with this advice on talking points:

• Remember, young people view parents as the primary source about sex and development. Ask your daughter what her current sources of information about sex and development are. What topics would she like more information on?
• Talk to young people early and often, emphasizing the emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of sex. Ask your daughter to summarize her understanding of your beliefs about sex, then clarify any points with her. Ask her about her beliefs, including whether she disagrees with you on any particular point.
• Provide a clear message about values. Ask your daughter if she understands your values, and whether she also holds those values.
• Look for teachable moments throughout the day, including while watching TV or listening to music.
• Take the time to learn what your child is or is not being taught in school.
• Preteens often want to know what's "normal" and whether they qualify. Older teens are often looking for specifics.
• Keep communication open, but be ready to hear bad news. If a teenage child admits being sexually active, begin by welcoming the honesty. Get your child tested for STDs immediately. Ask your child to figure out why they are sexually active.
• Eat at least one meal together every day and turn off the TV.
• Avoid scare tactics, but be ready for a frank discussion about STDs. You can learn about them at the CDC website.
• Remember your work day is the prime time for adolescent sexual activity. Are your children supervised by an adult during the hours between school getting out and your arrival home from work? If not, what changes could you make?

Golden Opportunity

There has been a lot of press coverage and emotional reaction to the story of a high school in Massachusetts which has a cluster of pregnant girls. So far, I haven't seen any reports where the pregnant girls themselves have spoken...just school administrators, unrelated parents, unrelated peer students, and the community at large. Until we actually hear from the pregnant girls about their motives and their experiences, all we really have is speculation.

However, this provides yet another golden opportunity to have a discussion with your teens. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has "10 Tips for Parents to Help Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy". There are still wonderful discussion questions here even if your daughter is currently pregnant. The text below is taken largely from the above mentioned brochure, with comments and questions added in.

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers and college students being sexually active - and perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager or college student and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers and college students to abstain from sex?
What do you think about teenagers and college students using contraception?

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using the news, or situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell kids candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this - you know, "the talk." The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you'll always be able to talk again.

Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don't let your lack of technical information make you shy. Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that kids find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the "downside" of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers' minds.

Here are the kinds of questions kids say they want to discuss:

• How do I know if I'm in love?
• Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
• Should I wait until marriage?
• Will having sex make me popular?
• Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
• How do I tell my girlfriend/boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing them or hurting their feelings?
• How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend/boyfriend to have sex?
• Can you get pregnant the first time?
  

In addition to being an "askable parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:

• Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
• Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. How will you say "no"? How will you negotiate all this?
• One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to sex.
• Having a baby doesn't make you a man or a woman. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
• You don't have to have sex to keep a girlfriend/boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.
  

By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but are also engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different - but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood - don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl - sometimes they even have money and a car to boot. But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex.

7. Help your teenagers have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant - or causing pregnancy - can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and to set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate" - think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:

• Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
• Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
  Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
• Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
• Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
• Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
• Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.
  

A final note: it's never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate the great need that children feel--at all ages--for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.

Women, Infants and Children (WIC)

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) is a program that helps families by educating them on nutrition and helping them buy some of the healthy food they need.

Who Does WIC help? WIC is for all kinds of families. It is a short-term assistance for pregnant women, new mothers, and children under the age of five. Men can apply for WIC benefits for their children. Young mothers living with their parents and going to school may qualify. Children with working parents may qualify.

How Do You Qualify? WIC helps families with limited income. Many working families may qualify. Contact your local WIC office to make an appointment and find out which documents you need to bring with you. At your appointment, WIC staff will check to see if you and your family qualify.

What Can I Get Through WIC? You can learn about nutrition and health to help you and your family eat well. You can received special checks to buy healthy foods such as milk, juice, eggs, cheese, cereal, dry beans and peas, peanut butter, infant formula, and baby cereal. Women who breastfeed can receive extra food checks. WIC personnel can also help you find health care and other community services. WIC also provides support and information about breastfeeding, and may be able to loan you a breast pump.

Fathers Need Training & Support Too

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

Mothers are not the only ones who need training in child care skills and parenting skills. Fathers need this education too! Ask the baby's father or the man who is going to be a father figure for the child if they are willing to receive some training. Find fatherhood training classes at your local pregnancy resource center, a local church, or a men's group such as Promise Keepers.

The Dad E-mail is a weekly e-newsletter filled with helpful hints and tips just for dads! It offers relevant ideas for connecting to your children, balancing work and family, handling tough family issues, and more. Ask the father of your daughter's child to sign up for this newsletter. You can sign up for it too, and then discuss the newsletter each week.

The Fatherhood Initiative also has an online brochure with "Ten Ways to be a Better Dad". Read it and discuss it (with your daughter, family, and the baby's father). Here are the main points:

1. Respect your children's mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father's job is never done.

Talk with your daughter about these points:

• Does she feel that the baby's father respects her? What actions and attitudes does she think are involved in 'respect'? What are your thoughts about respect? In what ways does the baby's father respect her and not respect her? Does she respect the baby's father? What changes could each of them make to have/show more respect to each other? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will play this role of demonstrating respect for her in front of her child?
  
• With your daughter, write up a sample schedule for the typical weekday and another schedule for the typical weekend day. This schedule should be a projection for what life will be like after her baby is born, not what life is like right now while she is pregnant. Include sleep, school, work, chores, etc. Try to be as realistic (not optimistic) as possible. When will she schedule time to read to her child? Play with her child? Ask the baby's father to do the same exercise, and compare the schedules. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will spend daily time with her child? What is he willing to commit to on a daily basis to provide a father figure by spending daily time with her child?
• In "earn the right to be heard", the brochure says, "Begin talking with your kids when they are very young so that difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older. Take time and listen to their ideas and problems." Discuss with your daughter what it was like in your family when you were a child. Did your parents talk about difficult subjects with you? Did your parents have good listening skills? Now ask your daughter about her impressions of growing up: did you discuss difficult subjects with her when she was young? When have you had good listening skills and less than perfect listening skills? What concrete steps would she like to take so that she is a good parent in these areas? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be involved in discussing life issues with her child?
  
• There are lots of good parenting books out there which discuss discipline. Discuss with your daughter what the word 'discipline' meant when you were a child in your family. Did your parents discipline you with love? What limits and consequences did your parent set as you grew up? Then discuss what things you did the same as your parents, and what things you tried to do differently from your own parents as your raised your daughter. Ask your daughter what 'discipline' means to her. What does 'discipline with love' mean to her? Talk to her about the ideas you had about discipline before you became a parent, and how becoming a parent changed those ideas. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be help provide discipline to her child?
  
• Ask your daughter which man is a role model to her of what a man is supposed to be like. Which man is a role model to her of what a father is supposed to be like? What qualities do these men have that she admires and dislikes? What would a fictional perfect man & father be like, in her opinion? When you were growing up yourself, who were your man/father role models? What qualities did they have that you admired and disliked? Discuss the baby's father: what good role model qualities does he currently have? What does he need to improve? Is he willing to make any changes to become a better role model? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be a role model to her child?
  
• Does your family currently eat together at least once a day? It doesn't have to be dinner..it could be breakfast or lunch too. This is an important time to debrief. What can you all do to make it a habit that the family eats together once a day?
  
• Your daughter may feel like she's too old to be read to by you anymore, but what if you were reading a book about parenting skills, or pregnancy? Or if reading outloud to each other really is out of the question, what if you and she were reading the same book separately? You may not need two copies..just two bookmarks. Or, make sure to stay in sync in your reading, discussing as you go. Keep the book in a common place...the kitchen? dining room? living room? so that you might both see the book regularly. What are your daughter's plans to read to her child? She doesn't have to wait until the child is a toddler to be reading to him/her...she can start even now before the baby is born!
  
• Discuss with your daughter what it was like growing up in your own family in terms of the display of affection. What did your parents do to show affection to you? What did they do to show affection to each other? Ask her what she remembers about how affection was displayed to her as a child. What are her plans for displaying affection to her child? If the baby's father won't be involved in raising her child, which man will display affection to her child? What would she consider an appropriate display from this man, and an inappropriate display from this man?

As you can see, there's a LOT to talk and think about. Both mothers and fathers have a demanding job in raising children. Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: More healthy moms, babies, kids

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative summarizes the following independent research studies:

Father Factor in Maternal and Infant Health

- Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.
Source: Matthews, T.J., Sally C. Curtin, and Marian F. MacDorman. Infant Mortality Statistics from the 1998 Period Linked Birth/Infant Death Data Set. National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 48, No. 12. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, 2000.

- Based on birth and death data for 217,798 children born in Georgia in 1989 and 1990, infants without a father’s name on their birth certificate (17.9 percent of the total) were 2.3 times more likely to die in the first year of life compared to infants with a father’s name on their birth certificate.
Source: Gaudino, Jr., James A., Bill Jenkins, and Foger W. Rochat. “No Fathers’ Names: A Risk Factor for Infant Mortality in the State of Georgia, USA.” Social Science and Medicine 48 (1999): 253-265.

- Unmarried mothers are less likely to obtain prenatal care and more likely to have a low birth-weight baby. Researchers find that these negative effects persist even when they take into account factors, such as parental education, that often distinguish single-parent from two-parent families.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Public Health Service. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. National Center for Health Statistics. Report to Congress on Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing. Hyattsville, MD (Sept. 1995): 12.

- Expectant fathers can play a powerful as advocates of breastfeeding. Three-fourths of women whose partners attended a breastfeeding promotion class initiated breastfeeding.
Source: Wolfberg, Adam J., et al. “Dads as breastfeeding advocates: results from a randomized controlled trial of an educational intervention.” American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 191 (September 2004): 708-712.

- Fathers’ knowledge about breastfeeding increases the likelihood that a child will be breastfed. Children who fathers knew more had a 1.76 higher chance of being breastfed at the end of the first month and 1.91 higher chance of receiving maternal milk at the end of the third month.
Source: Susin, Lurie R.O. “Does Parental Breastfeeding Knowledge Increase Breastfeeding Rates?” BIRTH 26 (September 1999): 149-155.

- Twenty-three percent of unmarried mothers in large U.S. cities reported cigarette use during their pregnancy. Seventy-one percent were on Medicare.
Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Table 7. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 16.

- A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year. Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.
Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

- In a longitudinal study of more than 10,000 families, researchers found that toddlers living in stepfamilies and single-parent families were more likely to suffer a burn, have a bad fall, or be scarred from an accident.
Source: O’Connor, T., L. Davies, J. Dunn, J. Golding, ALSPAC Study Team. “Differential Distribution of Children’s Accidents, Injuries and Illnesses across Family Type.” Pediatrics 106 (November 2000): e68.

- A study of 3,400 middle schoolers indicated that not living with both biological parents quadruples the risk of having an affective disorder.
Source: Cuffe, Steven P., Robert E. McKeown, Cheryl L. Addy, and Carol Z. Garrison. “Family Psychosocial Risk Factors in a Longitudinal Epidemiological Study of Adolescents.” Journal of American Academic Child Adolescent Psychiatry 44 (February 2005): 121-129.

- Children who live apart from their fathers are more likely to be diagnosed with asthma and experience an asthma-related emergency even after taking into account demographic and socioeconomic conditions. Unmarried, cohabiting parents and unmarried parents living apart are 1.76 and 2.61 times, respectively, more likely to have their child diagnosed with asthma. Marital disruption after birth is associated with a 6-fold increase in the likelihood a children will require an emergency room visit and 5-fold increase of an asthma-related emergency.
Source: Harknett, Kristin. Children’s Elevated Risk of Asthma in Unmarried Families: Underlying Structural and Behavioral Mechanisms. Working Paper #2005-01-FF. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2005: 19-27.

Father Factor in Childhood Obesity

- National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children.
Source: National Longitudinal Survey of Youth

- Study that looked at family lifestyle and parent’s Body Mass Index (BMI) over a nine year period found:
- Father’s Body Mass Index (BMI) predicts son’s and daughter’s BMI independent of offspring’s alcohol intake, smoking, physical fitness, and father’s education
- Furthermore, BMI in sons and daughters consistently higher when fathers were overweight or obese
- Physical fitness of daughters negatively related to their father’s obesity
- Obesity of fathers associated with a four-fold increase in the risk of obesity of sons and daughters at age 18
Source: Burke V, Beilin LJ, Dunbar D. “Family lifestyle and parental body mass index as predictors of body mass index in Australian children: a longitudinal study.” Department of Medicine, Royal Perth Hospital, University of Western Australia, and the Western Australian Heart Research Institute; Perth, Australia.

- A fathers’ body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.
Source: Finn, Kevin, Neil Johannsen, and Bonny Specker. “Factors associated with physical activity in preschool children.” The Journal of Pediatrics 140 (January 2002): 81-85.

- Study that looked at dietary intake and physical activity of parents and their daughters over a two year period found:
- Daughter’s BMI predicted by father’s diets and father’s enjoyment of physical activity
- As father’s BMI rose, so did their daughter’s BMI
Source: Davison KK, Birch LL. “Child and parent characteristics as predictors of change in girls' body mass index.” Department of Human Development and Family Studies, The Pennsylvania State University, University Park, Pennsylvania 16802, USA.

- Study that looked at the relationship between parent’s total and percentage body fat and daughter’s total body fat over a two and one-half year period found:
- Father’s, not mother’s, total and percentage body fat the best predictor of changes in daughter’s total and percentage body fat.
Source: Figueroa-Colon R, Arani RB, Goran MI, Weinsier RL. “Paternal body fat is a longitudinal predictor of changes in body fat in premenarcheal girls.” Department of Pediatrics, General Clinical Research Center, Medical Statistics Unit, Comprehensive Cancer Center, University of Alabama at Birmingham, USA.

- Two studies that have looked at the determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children found:
- Obese children less likely to report that their father’s were physically active than were the children of non-obese children. This determinant not found for mothers.
- Father’s inactivity strong predictor of children’s inactivity.
Source: Trost SG, Kerr LM, Ward DS, Pate RR. “Physical activity and determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children. School of Human Movement Studies, The University of Queensland, Brisbane, Queensland 4072, Australia.
Source: Fogelholm M, Nuutinen O, Pasanen M, Myohanen E, Saatela T. “Parent-child relationship of physical activity patterns and obesity.” University of Helsinki, Lahti Research and Training Centre, Finland.

- Children who lived with single mothers were significantly more likely to become obese by a 6-year follow-up, as were black children, children with nonworking parents, children with nonprofessional parents, and children whose mothers did not complete high school.
Source: Strauss RS, Knight J. “Influence of the home environment on the development of obesity in children.” Division of Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, Robert Wood Johnson School of Medicine, New Brunswick, New Jersey 08903, USA.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Is she smoking while pregnant? Does she breathe in second-hand smoke? Many studies have shown how damaging this can be to her child. Help her find resources so she can quit smoking immediately. Don't let anyone smoke near her. Help her find a new job if her current one involves working in second hand smoke (such as at a bar or restaurant).
• Has your daughter gotten regular prenatal care? If not, find a way to get her to a doctor. Apply for medicaid; ask your church if they have a benevolence fund to help with medical bills; ask your hospital if they have a low-cost maternity clinic; ask her school if they have any maternity care on campus; look in the phone book to see if there are any charity clinics that could help her; call OptionLine (800-395-HELP) to get the name and phone number of a pregnancy resource center near you, then call them and see if they have any medical services or any referrals for medical help. There are several reputable internet sites that offer pregnancy healthy information so both you and your daughter should do a lot of reading about healthy pregnancy. Pregnancy resource centers may also be able to education your daughter on pregnancy health, delivery, and child care skills.
• Ask your daughter her thoughts about breastfeeding. If she currently does not plan to breastfeed, have her research the benefits of breastfeeding and then also write up a list of the pros and cons of breastfeeding vs. formula. If she chooses to breastfeed, make sure the hospital where she delivers her baby knows this so that they don't start the baby on a formula bottle in the nursery.
• Since single mothers report higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support, what steps can you both take to avoid these problems? Does your church have a single parents support group? How about a new mother's support group, or a MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group? What classes or community groups are offered from the hospital or local colleges?
• Talk with your daughter about family healthy histories: what health challenges are more common in your family (obesity, cancer, asthma, allergies, etc.)? What can she do to have a more healthy lifestyle both now and after the baby is born? What support will she need in order to make changes in her health and lifestyle?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father plans to be involved in raising the child, talk to him about these statistics too. What changes could he make now so that he is more healthy? In what areas is he a weaker role model and a stronger role model? What changes could he make to be a better father in the areas where he is currently weaker?

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Anti-Drugs, and Protectors

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse

- Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.
Source: “Survey Links Teen Drug Use, Relationship With Father.” Alcoholism & Drug Abuse Weekly 6 September 1999: 5.

- In a study of 6,500 children from the ADDHEALTH database, father closeness was negatively correlated with the number of a child’s friends who smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana. Closeness was also correlated with a child’s use of alcohol, cigarettes, and hard drugs and was connected to family structure. Intact families ranked higher on father closeness than single-parent families.
Source: National Fatherhood Initiative. “Family Structure, Father Closeness, & Drug Abuse.” Gaithersburg, MD: National Fatherhood Initiative, 2004: 20-22.

- Of the 228 students studied, those from single-parent families reported higher rates of drinking and smoking as well as higher scores on delinquency and aggression tests when compared to boys from two-parent households.
Source: Griffin, Kenneth W., Gilbert J. Botvin, Lawrence M. Scheier, Tracy Diaz and Nicole L. Miller. “Parenting Practices as Predictors of Substance Use, Delinquency, and Aggression Among Urban Minority Youth: Moderating Effects of Family Structure and Gender.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 14 (June 2000): 174-184.

Father Factor in Child Abuse

- Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- An analysis of child abuse cases in a nationally representative sample of 42 counties found that children from single-parent families are more likely to be victims of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with both biological parents. Compared to their peers living with both parents, children in single parent homes had:
- a 77% greater risk of being physically abused
- an 87% greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
- a 165% greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
- a 74% greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
- an 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
- overall, a 120% greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse.
Source: Sedlak, Andrea J. and Diane D. Broadhurst. The Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect: Final Report. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, D.C., September 1996.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Ask your daughter if she has smoked, drank alcohol or used drugs in the past. Is she using these substances now that she is pregnant? Were these substances related to her sexual activity? How many of her friends smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana?
• Ask your daughter if she feels she has suffered physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
• What are her dreams for her child? What kind of home environment does she want for her child?
• What plans can your daughter make to provide for her child's physical safety? The child's emotional safety?
  
• What plans can your daughter make to be actively involved in her child's life, to avoid neglect?
  
• What about the baby's father: How will he help provide for the child's safety and the meeting of the child's needs?
• If the baby's father will not be actively involved in raising her child, who will provide a father figure? Which man will help safeguard the child's physical and emotional safety?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Their Impact on Teen Pregnancy and Education

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Teen Pregnancy

Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.
Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.

- Separation or frequent changes increase a woman’s risk of early menarche, sexual activity and pregnancy. Women whose parents separated between birth and six years old experienced twice the risk of early menstruation, more than four times the risk of early sexual intercourse, and two and a half times higher risk of early pregnancy when compared to women in intact families. The longer a woman lived with both parents, the lower her risk of early reproductive development. Women who experienced three or more changes in her family environment exhibited similar risks but were five times more likely to have an early pregnancy.
Source: Quinlan, Robert J. “Father absence, parental care, and female reproductive development.” Evolution and Human Behavior 24 (November 2003): 376-390.

- Researchers using a pool from both the U.S. and New Zealand found strong evidence that father absence has an effect on early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Teens without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.
Source: Ellis, Bruce J., John E. Bates, Kenneth A. Dodge, David M. Ferguson, L. John Horwood, Gregory S. Pettit, and Lianne Woodward. “Does Father Absence Place Daughters at Special Risk for Early Sexual Activity and Teenage Pregnancy.” Child Development 74 (May/June 2003): 801-821.

Father Factor in Education

- Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center for Health Statistics. Survey on Child Health. Washington, D.C.: GPO, 1993.

- Father involvement in schools is associated with the higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A's. This was true for fathers in biological parent families, for stepfathers, and for fathers heading single-parent families.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- Students living in father-absent homes are twice as likely to repeat a grade in school; 10 percent of children living with both parents have ever repeated a grade, compared to 20 percent of children in stepfather families and 18 percent in mother-only families.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- Students in single-parent families or stepfamilies are significantly less likely than students living in intact families to have parents involved in their schools. About half of students living in single-parent families or stepfamilies have parents who are highly involved, while 62 percent of students living with both their parents have parents who are highly involved in their schools.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- In 2001, 61 percent of 3- to 5-year olds living with two parents were read aloud to everyday by a family member, compared to 48% of children living in single- or no-parent families.
Source: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2002. Table ED1. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2003.

- Kindergarteners who live with single-parents are over-represented in those lagging in health, social and emotional, and cognitive outcomes. Thirty-three percent of children who were behind in all three areas were living with single parents while only 22% were not lagging behind.
Source: Wertheimer, Richard and Tara Croan, et al. Attending Kindergarten and Already Behind: A Statistical Portrait of Vulnerable Young Children. Child Trends Research Brief. Publication #2003-20. Washington, DC: Child Trends, 2003.

- In two-parent families, children under the age of 13 spend an average of 1.77 hours engaged in activities with their fathers and 2.35 hours doing so with their mothers on a daily basis in 1997. Children in single parent families spent on .42 hours with their fathers and 1.26 hours with their mothers on daily basis.
Source: Lippman, Laura, et al. Indicators of Child, Family, and Community Connections. Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation. Washington, DC: US Department of Health and Human Services, 2004.

- A study of 1330 children from the PSID showed that fathers who are involved on a personal level with their child schooling increases the likelihood of their child's achievement. When fathers assume a positive role in their child's education, students feel a positive impact.
Source: McBride, Brent A., Sarah K. Schoppe-Sullivan, and Moon-Ho Ho. "The mediating role of fathers' school involvement on student achievement." Applied Developmental Psychology 26 (2005): 201-216.

- Half of all children with highly involved fathers in two-parent families reported getting mostly A's through 12th grade, compared to 35.2% of children of nonresident father families.
Source: National Center for Education Statistics. The Condition of Education. NCES
1999022. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Education, 1999: 76.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Have you raised your pregnant daughter as a single mother yourself? If so, talk to your daughter about her thoughts and feelings of being raised without a father present. Does she think this may have contributed to her sexual activity?
• What are your daughter's plans for marriage? Does she hope to marry the baby's father? If not, what are her ideas for finding a spouse who will accept her child as his own?
• Is your daughter considering dropping out of school because of the pregnancy?
• What ideas does your daughter have for how she will spend more than 1.26 hours with her child each day?
• What male could currently provide a positive male influence on her child when the child goes to school?
• What are your daughter's dreams for a father figure for her child? How realistic are these dreams? What steps can she and your family take to have an actively involved father figure in the life of her child?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Anti-Poverty and Anti-Incarceration

Yesterday was Father's Day, a day to honor them. When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Poverty

- Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor. In 2002, 7.8 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4 percent of children in female-householder families.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

- During the year before their babies were born, 43% of unmarried mothers received welfare or food stamps, 21% received some type of housing subsidy, and 9% received another type of government transfer (unemployment insurance etc.). For women who have another child, the proportion who receive welfare or food stamps rises to 54%.
Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 13.

- A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father.
Source: Sorenson, Elaine and Chava Zibman. “Getting to Know Poor Fathers Who Do Not Pay Child Support.” Social Service Review 75 (September 2001): 420-434.

- When compared by family structure, 45.9% of poor single-parent families reported material hardship compared to 38.6% of poor two parent families. For unpoor families who did not experience material hardship, 23.3% were single-parent families compared to 41.2% of two-parent families.
Source: Beverly, Sondra G., “Material hardship in the United States: Evidence from the Survey of Income and Program Participation.” Social Work Research 25 (September 2001): 143-151.

Father Factor in Incarceration

- Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds.
Source: Harper, Cynthia C. and Sara S. McLanahan. “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration.” Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.

- A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households. Approximately forty-six percent of jail inmates in 2002 had a previously incarcerated family member. One-fifth experienced a father in prison or jail.
Source: James, Doris J. Profile of Jail Inmates, 2002. (NCJ 201932). Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report, Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, July 2004.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

College and your pregnant daughter

Feminists for Life has a survey asking questions about services colleges provide to assist their pregnant students. See the survey results HERE in pdf format, or read them below. These are questions you should try to get answers for from your daughter's college.

Is there maternity coverage in my (student) healthcare plan?
Without healthcare coverage, a pregnant student will likely fear the cost of carrying a pregnancy to term.
77% of respondents did not know if their student health plan offers maternity coverage.
16% said maternity coverage is not available.
7% indicated that maternity coverage is offered as part of the student health plan.

What about a pediatrician?
Additionally, respondents were asked if insurance riders are available to cover the children of students.
79% said they did not know.
14% said students cannot obtain riders to cover their children.
7% said the school offers riders for student parents to obtain healthcare coverage for their children.
An analysis of the data yielded no statistically significant differences in the responses from students at state, religious, or private colleges on the questions pertaining to healthcare options and availability.

Where would I live?
46% said there is no housing available on campus for parenting students.
31% said they did not know if such housing is available.
22% said housing is available on campus for parenting students.

When asked who could benefit from this housing:
89% said this housing is open to graduate students.
87% said it is available for undergraduates.
73% said foreign students on an education visa would be eligible for residential housing.

What about off-campus housing?
74% of respondents indicated there is housing available near campus for parenting students.
15% said they did not know.
An analysis of the responses showed that students at private schools were less likely than those at state and religious schools to indicate that their campus had housing for parenting students.

Who will take care of my baby when I am in class?
Childcare is one of the most vital resources a college campus can provide for pregnant and parenting students.
45% said their colleges do not offer on-campus childcare.
30% said their schools offer on-campus childcare.
2% said plans are under way.
22% said they did not know if childcare is available.

Can I access on-campus childcare—or are some people’s kids more equal than others?
When asked who has priority access to on-campus childcare, respondents said:
faculty (87%),
administration and staff (83%),
graduate students (79%),
undergraduates (77%), and
foreign students on an education visa (55%).
Most students surveyed (66%) did not know if their school provides referrals to off-campus childcare.

Does anyone know if there is infant care, or how much it costs?
Another barrier to access to childcare for pregnant and parenting students is the issue of infant care, which entails additional staffing and other requirements.
27% of the respondents who affirmed that on-campus childcare is available said infant care is also available.
68% did not know whether their on-campus childcare center would accept infants.
5% stated that the childcare center has an expressed policy against accepting infants.

Who will watch the baby if we go to watch a game?
When asked if the college connects parents to volunteer or paid babysitters,
55% of respondents said they did not know.
27% said the college does not facilitate connections between student parents and babysitters.
17% percent said their college issues some kind of list of babysitters or otherwise facilitates connections between student parents and babysitters.
An analysis of the data showed that students at state schools were more likely than students at private and religious colleges to indicate that their campus offers childcare. Further analysis revealed that students at private colleges were more likely than students at state colleges to indicate that their schools help connect students with babysitters.

What about him?
When asked about child support,
46% of respondents said students are not generally aware of paternity establishment and child support enforcement laws that give fathers rights as well as responsibilities.
45% said they did not know if students are educated about these issues.
54% percent said they did not know if women on their campus are aware of the information they need to establish paternity if the father resists his responsibilities.
41% said they believed women on their campus are aware of this information.

You try walking to campus when you are eight months pregnant!
Ninety-one percent of respondents said their campus does not offer designated parking for pregnant women or parents with infants.
Only 1% said they had seen such designated parking on campus.

If I need to go across campus with a baby, how can we get around?
When asked if their campus is accessible for parents using strollers as well as people using wheelchairs,
87% of students said their campus has elevators, ramps, etc.
7% said their campus is not physically accommodating to those transporting children.
An analysis of this section showed that students at state schools were more likely than students at private schools to deem their college “stroller-accessible.”

And where could I go to change a diaper?
Respondents were also asked if diaper-changing stations are available in restrooms on campus.
23% said they are.
62% said they had not seen diaper changing stations in restrooms.
1 respondent said their campus has plans to install stations.

How would you like to nurse in front of fraternity row?
When asked if there is a private place for women to nurse or pump breast milk,
77% of respondents said “no.”
Only 3% said they knew of such a location on their campus.
20% did not know if their school provides a private place for nursing mothers.

What about flex time and telecommuting options?
Alternative scheduling is the most prevalent resource known or perceived to be available to pregnant and parenting students.
78% of respondents reported that their school offers flexible class times (evening, weekend classes).
53% said their school offers telecommuting or distance learning opportunities.
An analysis of the data based on the type of school indicates that more state schools offer flexible class times, telecommuting and distance learning opportunities.

I’ll be better able to take care of my child if I have a degree.
The financial affairs portion of the survey proved the most difficult for respondents to answer. When asked if loans or scholarships are made available specifically to parenting students,
69% of respondents answered, “I don’t know.”
25% said there are no such financial supports available.
6% said they knew of special loans or scholarships for parenting students.

When asked if loans or scholarships are made available to pay for family housing on or off campus,
67% of respondents said they did not know.
23% said that no such loans or scholarships are available.
9% said there is such financial support.
An analysis of the responses regarding financial aid showed students at state schools were significantly more likely than students at religious schools to indicate there are scholarships or loans available for family housing.

Respondents were also asked if student loans or scholarships are available for childcare costs.
70% said they did not know.
26% said there is no financial support for students seeking childcare.
3% indicated there are loans and scholarships available to cover the cost of childcare.

May I take a “time out”?
Respondents were asked if the athletic department has a protective “red shirt” policy for students on athletic scholarships who become pregnant, allowing them to avoid activities as needed for the duration of the pregnancy and still retain their scholarships.
79% said they did not know if there is such a policy.
4% said the red-shirt designation is applied to pregnant students,
16% said student athletes are not protected from loss of scholarship if they become pregnant.

So where’s our resident “know-it-all”?
When asked if there is a person or central office on campus responsible for helping pregnant and parenting students:
50% said they did not know.
33% said there is no central place for pregnant or parenting students to seek assistance.
16% said there is a person or office in charge of assisting these students.

When asked how they could find information about resources and support for pregnant and parenting students, respondents indicated there are few sources for such information.
40% said they could not find these resources on their campus website.
48% said they did not know if these resources are on the website.
62% said there had been no mention of pregnancy and parenting support in their first-year orientation.
45% said resources for pregnant and parenting students are not in the handbook.
45% did not know.

Educational materials and brochures are the most likely sources of information about resources and support.
17% of respondents said those sources were readily available on their campus.
42% did not know if their college provides educational handouts or brochures to pregnant and
parenting students.
38% said their university does not use educational materials and brochures.

The next most likely source of information about resources is ads and signs on campus.
15% of respondents said they had seen ads or signage on campus that provided information and support for pregnant and parenting students.
56% said they did not believe these materials are used on their campus.

Respondents were asked if resident assistants or residential advisers (RAs) were aware of the scope of pregnancy resources available on and off campus.
30% perceived the RAs to be unaware.
57% said they did not know if their RAs receive any information or training in this area.
In evaluating the differences in responses between students at state, religious, and private colleges, students at state schools were more likely than students at private or religious colleges to indicate that their school provided information for pregnancy support services on the
college’s website.

Feminists for Life encourages all colleges and universities to evaluate the resources available
for pregnant and parenting students on their campuses—as well as how they educate students about these resources—and begin to implement changes to better meet their students’ needs.

How does your college, university or alma mater rate? Take the Pregnancy Resource Survey for yourself!

Feminists for Life is committed to helping schools realize these goals and will continue to advocate for support for pregnant and parenting students across the nation. If you are a college administrator or student activist willing to help pregnant and parenting students on your campus, please contact Feminists for Life’s College Outreach Program Coordinator at coordinator@ffloncampus.org to tell us about the resources and support on your campus, to host a speaker, or to host a Pregnancy Resource Forum.

Living Arrangements - Friends

Your daughter may desire to live with friends during her pregnancy, instead of family. If she is legally old enough to do this (not a minor), you may have little influence on this decision. But if possible, talk to her about the following:

• Will the house/apartment be single-sex only? Or will males be staying the night or cohabiting?
  
• Are her friends a good influence on her? Will they help her eat correctly, exercise, get enough sleep, get to her doctor's appointments or the hospital? Will they help her stay away from smoke (even second-hand smoke), drugs, alcohol, and other things that are harmful to herself and her baby?
• Will she continue to live there after the baby is born? What do her roommates know about infants (how much they sleep and cry, for example)? Will her roommates be willing to learn about the correct ways to help bathe the baby, feed the baby, change diapers, etc?
• Pregnancy can induce mood swings... how do her roommates currently handle the stresses of living together? How likely is it that she will be suddenly kicked out of the house during an argument?
• What do her roommates think about her current plans (marriage, single parenting, adoption)...are they supportive? or will they be ridiculing or undermining her plans?

If your daughter is a minor, her parents or legal guardians are responsible for her care and living with friends (or a friend's family) will not be feasible unless a formal (and legal) guardianship relationship is set up. Talk to a lawyer about what kind of paperwork you and the other family will need for your situation.

Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut - Executive Summary

Obviously if your daughter is pregnant, she has engaged in sexual activity (whether she desired to be or not). But past sexual activity does not mean she has to continue to be sexually active. She can choose sexual integrity for her future actions. Sexual integrity encompasses much more than abstaining from sex outside of marriage. Sexual integrity also includes being faithful to her future spouse inside of marriage (both physically and mentally), staying away from things that can damage her sexuality and self-worth (like pornography, internet flirting, phone sex, internet sex, etc.), and practicing self control so that she is able to be pure at times when her future husband is sick or deployed or on business travel. Here is a recent press release (from the Institute for Youth Development) and Executive Summary of a review of medical literature reporting results from studies which show the benefits of waiting for sex until marriage.

Scientific Evidence Supports Sexual Abstinence as the Best Choice for Prevention

Review Emphasizes the Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut for Youth

Washington, DC (May 30, 2008) With all of the sexually permissive messages aimed at today’s adolescents from the mass media, America’s parents have made it clear that they desire a strong abstinence message for their children’s reproductive health education. “When scientific evidence continues to reveal that sexual abstinence provides youth with the best physical, psychological, social, and financial health, it’s hard to disagree with the vast majority of parents,” said Shepherd Smith, President of the Institute for Youth Development. “Research shows us when teenagers delay sexual initiation they have better life outcomes. From academic achievement to healthy relationships, the data is clear: Abstinence is the best choice for youth.”

Christopher Doyle, Behavioral Research Analyst with the Institute for Youth Development and author of the Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut, presents a compelling argument in this comprehensive review of scientific and medical research. “It presents a convincing argument for postponing sex, while encompassing some of the theories that have not received enough attention in the abstinence community, such as adolescent brain development and its consequences for decision making, society’s inconsistent messages on sexuality and how it affects teens’ behavior, the research behind self-control, and the importance of healthy relationships for successful marriage and well-being,” said Smith. “This comprehensive overview will undoubtedly benefit all those who work in the field of youth development.”

Here is the Executive Summary.
Today’s adolescents have an array of challenges before them that previous generations never faced. Fifty years ago, there were only a handful of STIs; today, sexually active teens are at risk for acquiring over two dozen. At the same time, the age at first marriage has steadily risen by 20-25 percent, cohabitations have increased 6.5 times, and sex before wedlock has become the norm, not the exception. If that’s not enough, combine the 24 hour media circus with a billion dollar internet pornography industry, Victoria’s Secret at every shopping mall, and Hollywood’s sex-saturated messages broadcast in your living room, and you have a sex-on-demand culture being digested by our children every day.

As this review of literature shows, the range of benefits that postponing sex offers young people is scientifically proven, but in order for adolescents to embrace this message, these concepts need to be communicated effectively and often within public education. Surveys indicate that parents desire an abstinence message for their children; however, U.S. culture is simply not reinforcing this value, making it difficult for youth to understand the reasons why they should wait for sex. Thus, educational strategies should focus on the following conclusions that can be drawn from the benefits of delaying sexual debut.

Premarital sex has a negative impact on the physical health of adolescents, and typically hurts girls more than boys. Although sexually active young men are at risk to acquire STIs, females (especially younger girls) are more vulnerable to these infections because of their biological makeup. Girls are also more likely to suffer physical abuse in sexual relationships, and research indicates that adolescent females have a higher probability of contracting an STI when their romantic partner is substantially older. Typically, girls do not report using condoms as consistently as boys; and neither gender’s brain is developed enough to make reasoned, future- oriented decisions about contraception. Girls also tend to pay a much higher price than boys when it comes to teenage pregnancy, as they are often left to carry and raise the child on their own.

Some of these physical consequences may also play a role in the psychological health outcomes of sexually active youth. For example, adolescent girls who are abandoned by their boyfriend after learning of a pregnancy may become depressed with the prospect of raising a child alone. Women also tend to make more of an emotional investment in romantic relationships, which could lead them down the path of seeking love through sex; this in turn may result in the vicious cycle of repetition/compulsion. On the other hand, boys typically suffer psychological symptoms only when combining sexual activity with other high risk behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use; and both genders are more likely to think about and commit suicide if they have initiated sex, especially those at a young age. However, if young people wait to have sex until marriage, they avoid these risks, and stand to benefit from the social and financial advantages that abstinence offers.

One of the best social outcomes that results from abstinence is the occurrence of healthy relationships. When adolescents choose to wait, they avoid premarital sexual bonds with other partners. This in turn makes them far less likely to get involved in cohabitations, which is a major risk factor for future marital infidelity and divorce. Healthy marriages also benefit the well-being of each spouse (especially men), and provide a nurturing environment for children.

Another social benefit that stems from abstinence is increased financial stability. When adolescents avoid childbearing outside of marriage, they are able to focus their attention on educational pursuits and future careers, without having to sacrifice the time and money that a family demands. Although research has not demonstrated a clear causal relationship between early sex and delinquency, many studies show that when teenagers abstain, they are less likely to get enmeshed in a problem behavior syndrome that includes poor academic performance, substance use, and other risk behaviors. It may very well be that abstinence acts as a protective barrier, insulating teenagers from an array of harmful behaviors that have the potential to create future problems.

Although the data is not clear for every single outcome, research does demonstrate that delaying sexual debut has a significant impact on the physical, psychological, financial, and social health of young people. Parents and policy makers alike should continue to embrace abstinence as a primary message for sexual education, develop strategies based upon the existing data, while building upon new research that continues to evolve in adolescent sexual health.
--End of Executive Summary--

Read the entire review of literature HERE. (PDF file, Adobe Acrobat Reader required). I urge you to read this literature review and talk to your children about the research:

• Has your daughter suffered physical abuse at the hands of her romantic partners?
  
• Has your daughter been abandoned by the baby's father? If so, does the thought of raising her child alone make her feel depressed?
  
• How much of an emotional investment does she feel she makes in her romantic relationships? Does she feel she could be seeking love through sex?
  
• Has she combined sexual activity with other high risk behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use?
• Was she the person who initiated sex? How old was she at her first sexual encounter? Has she felt guilt about her sexual activity? Has she thought about suicide?
• What are her hopes and dreams about marriage?
• Does she feel she has emotional bonds to her sexual partners? If so, what impact does she imagine that will have on her future marriage?
• What are her thoughts and feelings about cohabitation, which is a major risk factor for future marital infidelity and divorce?