Your pregnant daughter in your home

The topic of a daughter moving back in with you has been on the minds of readers recently, with queries such as "dealing with daughter with baby moving back in" and "living arrangements for pregnant teens".

CNN recently had an article about ways to cope when family needs to move in with you. You might encounter this situation when your daughter who was living away from home becomes pregnant and needs to move back in with you for any reason. So in addition to the stresses you and she face in making decisions about her pregnancy with your grandchild, you both now have the stresses of adjusting to a new housing arrangement. If she is moving back in with you because a relationship ended, or she lost a job, or some other emotional trauma, there is also that tension to deal with.

The CNN article gives some tips on coping. First, both sides should talk openly about their feelings about the new living situation. There is likely to be resentment on both sides, and feelings that personal freedoms have been invaded. If you can both recognize your feelings and share them openly yet politely, you can all be aware that everyone is making a sacrifice.

Second, while you may not decide to make a formal contract with your daughter, you should at least discuss and agree on several things ahead of time, such as the following. We discuss these issues in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single."

• Will your daughter pay you rent? How much?
• Will she share part of the expenses for utilities? How much?
• Will she buy her own groceries, or will she contribute to a grocery fund?
• Your daughter should not be considered a guest, and you are not her maid service. Thus she should do her own laundry (does she need to provide her own soap, or just pay you for soap used?), wash her own dishes (or take turns where you each wash ALL the dishes), pick up after herself, and help with household chores and errands.
• Schedule a regular family meeting time where you can have a "preventive, proactive conversation, which changes the whole tone from frozen no-talk to 'we're teammates and we want this to work.'" Don't let small complaints mushroom...talk about them quickly and brainstorm ways to change the situation.
• Talk regularly to plan an exit strategy. Talk about what housing options are available to her and how she could afford them to return to more independence. This exit may be several years down the road, and that's okay as long as you all keep talking about it and moving towards the goal in practical steps.
• Know that you're not alone. We mention this in nearly every post, related to nearly every topic. You are not the only family going through these trials. If you need someone to talk to, see if there is a support group at a local church, join a small group Bible study and get prayer support, get counsel from a pastor or Christian counselor, and reach out to your own extended family.

Don't allow hardships to destroy your family... be proactive in drawing the family together for mutual support. You can come out of this closer and stronger instead of wounded, if you make the choices to do so.

If your pregnant daughter is not able to live in your home for any reason, we've also blogged about her living with relatives, friends, and at a maternity home.

What problems have you found when your pregnant daughter moved back in with you? What tips do you have to share with other readers?