A Generation at Risk

How Teens Are Coerced and Manipulated Into Abortion

by Amy Sobie & David C. Reardon

Editor's Note: The following article is excerpted from the Jan.-March 2000 issue of The Post-Abortion Review.

Gaylene was 14 when she became pregnant. Too embarrassed to go directly to her parents, she turned to her high school guidance counselor for advice. She writes:

[The school counselor] was sympathetic and understanding. He felt there was no need to worry my family. He also explained about having a child, how tough it would be on me and that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to do. He said that the child would suffer because I was much too young to be a parent. He pointed out that the best thing for me to do was to abort the fetus at this stage so no one would be hurt. No mention was made of talking to my parents about this or carrying the baby to term. He indicated that adoption would be difficult and not an option for me.

. . . I felt as though I had no control over what was happening to me. I started to question what I was doing, but in my logic I’d refer back to what the counselor had told me, and then I would think he was right. But still today, I feel like I did not decide to have the abortion.¹

Gaylene’s traumatic reaction to her abortion experience included suicide attempts, alcoholism, drugs, crime, involvement in a cult and a major break with her family.

Sadly, Gaylene’s story is not unique. For teens, the possibility of developing psychological and emotional problems after abortion is substantially higher than for more mature women.² One reason that teenagers are more vulnerable is because their psychological defense mechanisms are not fully developed. Their emotional immaturity leaves them more susceptible to events and circumstances that can profoundly damage their view of the world, other people, and themselves. Consequently, abortion can be especially harmful for teens because this major, traumatic experience occurs at a critical time in the development of their self-identity.³

Researchers have found that teenagers who have abortions face a number of higher risks. For example, teens are more likely to feel pressured into abortion, to report being misinformed in pre-abortion counseling and to experience more severe psychological stress after abortion.⁴ They are also more likely to experience more intense feelings of guilt, depression and isolation after an abortion.⁵ In addition, while suicidal tendencies are higher for all women after abortion, teens are at an even greater risk for post-abortion suicide.⁶

Further, a study of teens with "unwanted" pregnancies found that teens who aborted were more likely to have subsequent trouble sleeping, to report using marijuana after abortion and to undergo treatment for psychological and emotional problems compared to those who carried to term.⁷

Deception and Misinformation

Many teens are simply not mature enough to understand the information they need to make such a life-impacting choice. As a result, in many cases they are not able to freely consent to an abortion.

Even some pro-abortion groups have acknowledged that teenagers need extra guidance when it comes to abortion. For example, a Planned Parenthood counseling guide stated that teenagers have few or limited problem solving skills; are more likely than adults to lack responsibility; are more vulnerable; are more anxious and distrustful; are lacking in knowledge; and have difficulty in communicating. As a result, “counselors need to be aware of and appreciate the fact that pregnancy counseling with teenagers can be very different from counseling adults . . . pregnancy counseling with teens is often a crisis situation.”⁸

Unfortunately, while Planned Parenthood counselors recognize the vulnerability of teens, they oppose laws that would give the parents of teens the opportunity to help them understand the risks of and alternatives to abortion. For counselors who seek to promote abortion as the best or even only solution, keeping teens away from loved ones who would counsel against abortion is an important part of maximizing their own influence.

This is why so many teens feel under such immense pressure to abort. Over and over, women who had abortion as teenagers use phrases like the following to explain how they ended up having an unwanted abortion.

My school counselor (Planned Parenthood counselor, teacher, pastor, boyfriend’s mom, etc.) told me that if I didn’t want my parents to find out, I would have to have an abortion . . .

My boyfriend threatened me if I didn’t abort.

Everyone told me I was too young to have a baby and that my only alternative was abortion.

Pressure to abort can also include coercion, emotional blackmail and violence from a sexual predator or even parents who want to make sure their daughter has an abortion.⁹

In addition, a secret abortion always disrupts family relationships. To protect their secret, teenagers must be constantly on the alert against any evidence or mood that may invite unwanted questions. They must hide feelings of depression, sadness, and even thoughts of suicide that might otherwise alert their parents to the problem. If they cannot repress these feelings, the source must remain hidden or their emotions transformed into anger and rebellion. This overarching need for secrecy accentuates their feelings of shame and will often lead to withdrawal from family intimacy and excursions into drugs, alcohol and destructive relationships.

Any of these problems can dramatically exacerbate normal family tensions. Kept in the dark, parents cannot know that their child is struggling to cope with his or her abortion experience. With no frame of reference for understanding their child’s disturbed behavior, parents are likely to become increasingly frustrated at being held at a distance. In turn, the parents’ frustrations are likely to fuel the distrust or rebellious nature of the teen because they “simply don’t understand” what he or she is going through.

Targeting Teens

Unfortunately school counselors, social workers and others in positions of authority can exert tremendous influence over a vulnerable teenager, steering and even coercing her into an unwanted abortion.

For example, William Hickey, a high school guidance counselor in Hatboro , Pennsylvania , was sued by the parents of a 16-year-old girl for circumventing the state’s parental consent law by arranging for the teen to have a secret abortion in New Jersey . The girl’s parents, Howard and Marie Carter, subsequently filed a lawsuit against Hickey and the Hatboro-Horsham school district, charging that Hickey pressured their daughter to have an abortion despite her expressed doubts and beliefs against abortion.

The Carters said that Hickey “engaged in a course of conduct which was inherently coercive, was intended to and did exert undue influence upon [a minor], and ensured that she refrain from discussing with her parents her pregnancy and whether to obtain an abortion.” They said that when their daughter told Hickey she had doubts about undergoing an abortion, he told her, “Someday you’ll look back on this and laugh.”

The lawsuit also stated that school officials refused to cooperate when asked to investigate the situation. Instead, the Carters say they were told that the school district “has deep pockets” to defend itself from a lawsuit. The case was eventually settled out of court.⁹

Other examples of manipulation and coercion abound. In 2002, a judge found Planned Parenthood negligent for failing to report the case of an abortion performed on a 13-year-old girl who was being sexually abused by her foster brother. The 23-year-old man took the girl to a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic in 1998, but Planned Parenthood did not notify authorities until the girl returned six months later for a second abortion. A lawsuit alleged that the girl was subjected to repeated abuse and a second abortion because Planned Parenthood failed to notify authorities of possible abuse when she had her first abortion. Her abuser was sentenced to five years in prison and lifetime probation.¹⁰

Conclusion

Unfortunately, there are few safeguards currently in place to protect teenagers from coerced abortions. As we pointed out in a previous issue, in states where parental consent is needed for an abortion, the judicial bypass system is seriously flawed.

Without a mechanism to provide for cross-examination of witnesses and the introduction of witnesses who would testify that the abortion is not in the girl’s best interests, how can judges make an informed decision? How can we be sure that the adults seeking permission for the young girl to abort without notifying her parents are not themselves manipulating or pressuring the girl to choose abortion?

In addition, as the Carter case discussed above demonstrates, even in states that require parental consent, it is all too easy for those pushing abortion to simply transport the girl across the state line. The Child Custody Protection Act would make it a federal crime for anyone except a parent or legal guardian to take a girl out of state for an abortion in order to avoid involvement in the situation by the girl’s parents.

Even this will only protect a few teens, however. Sadly, in many cases it is the parents who are pressuring or coercing their teenage daughters into abortion. Planned Parenthood, however, is remarkably silent regarding the problem of protecting teens from pressure or manipulation by parents who favor abortion. The only way to protect these teens is to pass laws that will make abortionists liable for failing to protect women, especially teens, from coerced abortions.

~~~

Originally published in The Post-Abortion Review 8(1) Winter 2000. Copyright 2000 Elliot Institute.

Citations

1. Reardon, D., Aborted Women, Silent No More ( Springfield , IL : Acorn Books, 2002) 37-38.
2. Rue, V. & Speckhard, A, “Post Abortion Trauma: Incidence & Diagnostic Considerations,” Medicine & Mind, 6: 57-75 (1991).
3. Deutsch, M., “Personality Factors, Self-Concept, and Family Variables Related to First Time and Repeat Abortion-Seeking Behavior in Adolescent Women.” Unpublished Doctoral Dissertation, Washington , D.C. : American University , 1982.
4. Franz, W. & Reardon, D., “Differential Impact of Abortion on Adolescents & Adults,” Adolescence, 27(105):162-172.
5. Biro, F., Wildey, L., Hillard, P., & Rauh, J., “Acute and Long-Term Consequences of Adolescents Who Choose Abortions,” Pediatric Annals, 15(10):667-672 (1986).
6. Mika Gissler, Elina Hemminki, Jouko Lonnqvist, "Suicides after pregnancy in Finland : 1987-94: register linkage study," British Medical Journal 313:14314, 1996; Campbell, N., Franco, K. & Jurs, S., “Abortion in Adolescence,” Adolescence, 23:813-823 (1988).
7. PK Coleman, “Resolution of Unwanted Pregnancy During Adolescence Through Abortion Versus Childbirth: Individual and Family Predictors and Psychological Consequences,” (2006).

8. Saltzman, L. & Policar, M., The Complete Guide to Pregnancy Testing and Counseling (Alameda, CA: Planned Parenthood, 1985) 113-114.

9. For more examples, see the book Giving Sorrow Words.
9. "Settlement announced in Pennsylvania Teen Abortion Case," press release from the American Center for Law & Justice, March 15, 2000.

10. "Planned Parenthood Found Negligent in Reporting Molested Teen's Abortion," Pro-Life Infonet, Dec. 26, 2002.

Pregnancy Myths and Urban Legends

There's a whole lot of misunderstanding about conception and pregnancy out there in the world. Some conception and pregnancy stories are true and some are not. For example, we often hear the young women believe that they can not get pregnant during their first sexual act. This is not true! The truth is that if an egg is available, then there's an opportunity for sperm to fertilize the egg regardless of whether its the girl's first sex act or not.

To see if some claimed story is true or not, you can see if it is a known urban legend by checking sources like Snopes.com Pregnancy Urban Legends.

You can also learn more about pregnancy myths at reliable medical sites. Some WebMD articles to read include:
"Separating Pregnancy Myths and Facts".
"Exercise During Pregnancy: Myth versus Fact".
"Sex and Pregnancy Myths".

Is the baby's father a gang member?

This recent report in the American Journal of Epidemiology finds that Latino girls (aged 14-19) whose boyfriend is in a gang are "twice as likely as their peers to become pregnant" (United Press International). Young girls who date a man who has been in jail in the past are also more likely than their peers to become pregnant. The report also points out that these girls face a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases. These findings, while based on research on Latino girls, are likely similar to trends in other ethnicities.

Ask your daughter about the men she is dating. Do her dates belong to a gang? Do they have a history of being arrested or being in jail? If so, make sure your daughter is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Talk to your daughter about her physical safety. Does a gang boyfriend put her safety at risk? If so, what steps can you take to improve her safety? Appendix A "Parental Authority Over A Minor" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outlines six actions that parents can consider when trying to protect their minor daughters from men who are dangerous to their daughter's well-being. Consider talking to a lawyer or the police about getting a restraining order if needed.

Abusive Relationships

Based on the search keywords in our stat logs, many parents are searching the web for information about how to help your pregnant single daughter get out of an abusive relationship. You might have noticed warning signs about her relationship, such as:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks


• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason


• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family


• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

First, talk with your daughter about what an abusive relationship is. Here's an article with info for teens in an abusive relationship, and an excerpt from that article:

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships. Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Ask your daughter is she is being slapped, hit or kicked. Ask her if she is being teased, bullied, or humiliated. Ask her if someone is threatening her or intimidating her, especially if there are threats that she will be harmed if she tries to leave the relationship. Ask her if the partner is trying to control her (what she wears, where she goes, who she talks to, etc.). Ask her if the person is making unwanted sexual advances, including saying things like "If you loved me, you would do ______."

Your daughter must first learn to realize that she is worthy of being treated with respect. She must learn to realize that the abuse is not her fault, that she does not deserve it. Listen to your daughter without judgement and ask her to explain the nature of her relationship. Affirm her that it takes courage to stop abuse and that she has your full support. Your daughter must learn to see that the relationship is dangerous for her. You will probably need a lot of patience in this process because many abused women are afraid to leave the relationship because of prior threats or because they are dependent on the abuser financially or emotionally. Is your daughter afraid that she will be judged by you (or friends or family) if she leaves this relationship? Is she afraid no one else can love her, so abuse is tolerable because of the positive moments? Help your daughter find the counseling she needs. Take her to the doctor for a physical examination, and to record any injuries. Together, seek counsel about her legal situation... should she press charges? Should she seek a restraining order?

For more information, look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) available 24 hours a day. For teens, look at the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline website, or call them at 866-331-9474.

Rebekah's Story

This is the real story of a young woman named Rebekah who was single and pregnant.

I am a living example of how being a born again Christian does not shield you from Satan’s power, if you do not walk with the Lord. My dad was a missionary pilot in the Philippines. I am a Bible college graduate. I was saved when I was 15 years old.

Yet a few years after graduating from college, I was in a good job, driving a nice sports car and had lost sight of God in the midst of my success. I became a very lonely person, spending my time looking for happiness in other areas of my life … partying, excessive drinking, sexual impurity, and looking for fulfillment with the wrong kind of men. Two years ago, after a long series of selfish choices, I had reached a point in a “roller coaster” of life where everything I had ever believed was challenged, and I made the wrong choice – I was pregnant and I chose to have an abortion rather than ruin my career or let my parents find out about my lifestyle.

For the next several months, I struggled alone with deep depression, suicidal thoughts, anger and the guilt and shame of what I had done. I had shattered my family’s trust in me, emerged from a destructive relationship barely intact and was so absolutely overwhelmed by my sins that I spent nights crying in despair, wondering how I had reached this point in my life and how God could ever love me back to Himself. 1 John 3:9 says that no one born of God can live at peace with sin and God finally had my attention. After a couple of months, I knew I could not do it alone anymore. I finally took the painful steps of telling my family what I had done and asking for their forgiveness. I also began attending a post-abortion Bible study at Assist Pregnancy Center and after many months of prayer and working through my grief, began to understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness. What impacted me through the Bible study at that time was this:

• I was encouraged to talk about my abortion experience and feelings without fear of judgment, was listened to and encouraged by other women in the course, and was reminded of God’s promises in Scripture.
• I was able to identify why I was feeling the emotions I was experiencing and began the slow process of working through them – unprovoked anger, bitterness, moments of denial, and overwhelming grief.
• I learned to identify the emotional triggers that prevented my healing.
• I learned how easily we buy into the world’s lies – how so many are told that abortion is an “easy solution,” “it’s the best decision for this time in your life”, “it’s over and done with” or “what will your parents think”.
• I learned how sexual immorality leads to a bondage of sexual ties in bad relationships, how to break those ties and repair the sexual damage I had done to my heart and soul.

Although the healing process takes a long time, I was emotionally better equipped to face my daily challenges at the end of our eight week course. I knew I could call on anyone at Assist for additional guidance or a hug anytime I needed it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason and God can work everything together for His purpose. I am now back in church, deeply involved with my small groups and growing again in my faith. It’s amazing to see how God brings opportunities for me to share my life experiences with others to be an encouragement. I am joyful, knowing that God will use my past and my story to help others understand His undeserved grace and unconditional love.

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for Parents of A Pregnant Christian Single," we share at least one true story in every chapter. You are not alone, and reading the stories of others who have been where you are is such a comfort!

Call 800-395-HELP to find a pregnancy resource center near you that can come alongside your family to support you all. Talk to your daughter about the pain that secrets can cause. Talk to her about how you may be hurt or angry when a secret such as a pregnancy or an abortion is revealed but that you love her and you don't want any secrets poisoning your relationship.

Amazon Kindle Version Available!

Chalfont House is excited to announce that the Amazon Kindle electronic version of "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" is now available!

By downloading this electronic version of the book to your Amazon Kindle, you can now start reading in under a minute! In addition, Amazon lets your sample the book for free.

Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression

After your daughter gives birth, help her monitor her emotional state. As a parent yourself, you know how exhausting it is to be a new mother, and you know how your emotions swirl as your hormone levels change following childbirth.

The continuum of depressive disorders after delivery ranges from "baby blues" to PPD. Although "baby blues" is more prevalent, the symptoms of this disorder (baby blues), which occur within the first few weeks after delivery, are less severe and do not require treatment. PPD can occur up to a year after delivery, is more severe, and requires treatment by a physician. PPD has important consequences for the well-being of mothers and their children. For example, in a 2006 study, mothers who reported depressive symptoms were less likely to engage in practices to promote child development, such as playing with their infant. PPD also might also be associated with discontinuation of breastfeeding.

So educate yourself and your daughter about postpartum depression (PPD) so that you can get help if needed. Read this article about baby blues and postpartum depression for more information. Here's an excerpt:

What is the difference between “baby blues,”postpartum depression, and postpartum psychosis?

The baby blues can happen in the days right after childbirth and normally go away within a few days to a week. A new mother can have sudden mood swings, sadness, crying spells, loss of appetite, sleeping problems, and feel irritable, restless, anxious, and lonely. Symptoms are not severe and treatment isn’t needed. But there are things you can do to feel better. Nap when the baby does. Ask for help from your spouse, family members, and friends. Join a support group of new moms or talk with other moms.

Postpartum depression can happen anytime within the first year after childbirth. A woman may have a number of symptoms such as sadness, lack of energy, trouble concentrating, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and worthlessness. The difference between postpartum depression and the baby blues is that postpartum depression often affects a woman’s well-being and keeps her from functioning well for a longer period of time. Postpartum depression needs to be treated by a doctor. Counseling, support groups, and medicines are things that can help.

Postpartum psychosis is rare. It occurs in 1 or 2 out of every 1000 births and usually begins in the first 6 weeks postpartum. Women who have bipolar disorder or another psychiatric problem called schizoaffective disorder have a higher risk for developing postpartum psychosis. Symptoms may include delusions, hallucinations, sleep disturbances, and obsessive thoughts about the baby. A woman may have rapid mood swings, from depression to irritability to euphoria.

This CDC report in Jama for May 2008 discusses PPD. Here are some of the points made in the report:

• Postpartum depression (PPD) affects 10%-15% of mothers within the first year after giving birth.
• Younger mothers and those experiencing partner-related stress or physical abuse might be more likely to develop PPD.
• Younger women, those with lower educational attainment, and women who received Medicaid benefits for their delivery were more likely to report postpartum depressive symptoms (PDS).
• Possible risk factors for postpartum depressive symptoms included in the analysis were:
  


• low infant birth weight
• admission to a neonatal intensive-care unit (NICU)
• number of previous live births
• tobacco use during the last 3 months of pregnancy (Women who reported smoking one or more cigarettes on an average day)
• physical abuse before or during pregnancy (were considered physically abused if they said that a current or former husband/partner had pushed, hit, slapped, kicked, choked, or physically hurt them in any way during the 12 months before or during the most recent pregnancy)
• and experiencing emotional, financial, partner-related, or traumatic stress during the 12 months before delivery.

These are the questions asked in the survey for this report. The response choices were "always," "often," "sometimes," "rarely," and "never"; women who said "often" or "always" to either question were classified as experiencing self-reported postpartum depression symptoms. Discuss these with your daughter:

(1) "Since your new baby was born, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless?"

(2) "Since your new baby was born, how often have you had little interest or little pleasure in doing things?"

Leave us a comment: What tips can you share about spotting the baby blues and postpartum depression? What steps have you taken that have helped cope with the baby blues or with postpartum depression?

Your pregnant daughter in your home

The topic of a daughter moving back in with you has been on the minds of readers recently, with queries such as "dealing with daughter with baby moving back in" and "living arrangements for pregnant teens".

CNN recently had an article about ways to cope when family needs to move in with you. You might encounter this situation when your daughter who was living away from home becomes pregnant and needs to move back in with you for any reason. So in addition to the stresses you and she face in making decisions about her pregnancy with your grandchild, you both now have the stresses of adjusting to a new housing arrangement. If she is moving back in with you because a relationship ended, or she lost a job, or some other emotional trauma, there is also that tension to deal with.

The CNN article gives some tips on coping. First, both sides should talk openly about their feelings about the new living situation. There is likely to be resentment on both sides, and feelings that personal freedoms have been invaded. If you can both recognize your feelings and share them openly yet politely, you can all be aware that everyone is making a sacrifice.

Second, while you may not decide to make a formal contract with your daughter, you should at least discuss and agree on several things ahead of time, such as the following. We discuss these issues in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single."

• Will your daughter pay you rent? How much?
• Will she share part of the expenses for utilities? How much?
• Will she buy her own groceries, or will she contribute to a grocery fund?
• Your daughter should not be considered a guest, and you are not her maid service. Thus she should do her own laundry (does she need to provide her own soap, or just pay you for soap used?), wash her own dishes (or take turns where you each wash ALL the dishes), pick up after herself, and help with household chores and errands.
• Schedule a regular family meeting time where you can have a "preventive, proactive conversation, which changes the whole tone from frozen no-talk to 'we're teammates and we want this to work.'" Don't let small complaints mushroom...talk about them quickly and brainstorm ways to change the situation.
• Talk regularly to plan an exit strategy. Talk about what housing options are available to her and how she could afford them to return to more independence. This exit may be several years down the road, and that's okay as long as you all keep talking about it and moving towards the goal in practical steps.
• Know that you're not alone. We mention this in nearly every post, related to nearly every topic. You are not the only family going through these trials. If you need someone to talk to, see if there is a support group at a local church, join a small group Bible study and get prayer support, get counsel from a pastor or Christian counselor, and reach out to your own extended family.

Don't allow hardships to destroy your family... be proactive in drawing the family together for mutual support. You can come out of this closer and stronger instead of wounded, if you make the choices to do so.

If your pregnant daughter is not able to live in your home for any reason, we've also blogged about her living with relatives, friends, and at a maternity home.

What problems have you found when your pregnant daughter moved back in with you? What tips do you have to share with other readers?

Listen In TODAY!

Today - join us good advice, compelling and inspired stories on Beyond The Bandaide with Joyce Zounis, featuring Linda Perry on May 19 & 28! Listen at http://www.nplr.net/ at 2:00 pm Central time, May 19 & May 28. Once there, click "Tune In Now", download the free Live365 internet radio player if you don't already have it, and you're ready to listen!

EDITED:
If you missed today's broadcast, you can tune in again on May 28. OR you can listen to and watch the 26 minute interview right here via streaming audio. In this interview, Linda Perry ...

• Shares her own story of how her peers urged her to abort her daughter in 1971.
• Gives an overview of the work of CareNet and the work of pregnancy help centers.
• Describes sexual integrity as the solution to avoid unwanted pregnancy.
• Talks about the support system that a woman needs when making a decision about the outcome of her pregnancy.
• Describes some of the resources available through ChalfontHouse.com for abortion recovery and surviving your single daughter's pregnancy.

Get a glimpse into one mind

Here are summaries from an actual blog belonging to a teen who is actively trying to get pregnant. You can see a bit of her thought processes and her motives, which are examples of answers to "why do some teens get pregnant." Obviously, not every pregnant teen feels like this, but some do. Entries have been summarized, but the underlying thoughts have not been altered. These entries are written over an 8 week period.



Day 1– She calls her boyfriend the "love of my life" and announces she is trying to conceive a baby with him.

Day 2 – She tells of a conversation with her boyfriend where he questions whether now is a good time to get pregnant since they are both still in school. She says, "But my best friend is pregnant and I feel so lonely." Some peer pressure here...she wants to fit in. She notes that she will try to talk him into agreeing to the pregnancy, that she doesn't want to wait until she's done with school.

Day 4- She notes that she should start saving money to care for the baby, commenting that her mother was poor when she was born and thus she ended up being raised by her grandmother. She promises herself that her baby will not be raised by its grandmother, her mother, and complains about the parenting she has received.

Day 6 – She reaffirms that she is intentionally trying to get pregnant. "I’m hoping by this time next year I'll have my own little bundle of joy." Either this is just a phrase, or she is hoping the baby will provide her with emotional fulfillment such as joy and unconditional love.

Day 8 – She tells the story of a previous miscarriage she had, and again hopes that she is pregnant. She has not finished grieving the lost child, and may be trying to replace the baby that was miscarried. When a woman has an abortion and then intentionally gets pregnant again, the new baby is called an 'Atonement child'. When trying to get pregnant again rapidly following a miscarriage, the baby is a 'Replacement child'.

Day 9 - She is very upset that she had a big fight with her boyfriend and they broke up. She says, "God, I hope I’m pregnant – it’s the only way to talk him back into loving me." Many women of all ages believe that they can restore a broken relationship by turning up pregnant with his child.

Day 14 – She is very upset because her old boyfriend has started dating someone else. She says, "I’ve never cried this much over a stupid boy. This must mean something. I’m praying a lot lately, asking God to forgive me and bless me and my ex-boyfriend - bless us with a child or make his parents love me or something. I’m praying for this life to stop being a wreck and for my heart to finally be whole." Many women of all ages believe that a child will fulfill all of the mother's emotional needs, which is a heavy burden to expect out of any human, and even more so for an infant.

Day 24 - She is analyzing every physical symptom she has, hoping that they indicate pregnancy. She ends the post with, "If I don’t get my period, then God loves me and wants my ex-boyfriend to be mine. If I do, then maybe it’s not meant to be or at least not right now." Again, she is hoping to hold on to the relationship by having a baby with him.

Day 28 - As it becomes clear that she is not pregnant, she is upset: "I’m about to cry - this was my last shot to get my ex-boyfriend back."

Day 54 - The next month, she has moved on and met a new boyfriend who is her age, and she wastes little time in building a relationship with him but instead says, "I’m considering trying to conceive with him."

Talk with your daughter about these thoughts. Is she feeling peer pressure to be sexually active? Are there aspects of home life she is trying to escape from by being sexually active? Is she believing that having a baby will get her out of the house? What is she hoping/expecting a baby to provide her emotionally? Is she trying to replace a child lost to abortion or miscarriage? Is she trying to hold on to a guy by getting pregnant?

Why? Perhaps she WANTS to be pregnant

In reading blogs today, I was given a pointer to a Xanga group where the participants are teens who are TRYING to become pregnant. Their blogs and profiles can provide insight into "why" some teens get pregnant -- they are actively trying to do so!

Some of the blogrings (there are a great many of them!) on Xanga are titled:

• Teens TTC (description "This blogring is strictly for teens that are TTC (trying to conceive). Just because we aren't adults yet doesnt mean we can't be excellent mommies and daddies. Screw being old-fashioned, its 2005, and times have changed.")
• So you wanna be a teen mom (description "You ever dream about having your own little bundle of joy...or maybe you just have this need in you...you need to parent!")
• Wants to be a teen mom (description "Yeah, you want to be a teen mother, you think you are going to be a good mother, and doesn't want to wait past the age 21 to have kids, and wants to have one as early as you can")
• Wannabe teen parents (description "If you are just dying to be a parent and you are younger than 20 please join")
• Teenz that want a baby (description "If you're a teen and you want a child")
• Bundle of love (description "This is for teens trying to conceive. If you want a baby and you're a teen, you're welcome here")

So the answer to the question "Why do teens get pregnant" is that for some of them, they wanted to be pregnant and tried hard to become so! The next job is to figure out what she hoped having a baby would do for her. Does she believe that a baby will provide her with unconditional love? Does she believe that she'll be able to leave home and live on government assistance on her own if she has a baby? Does she want a baby because some of her friends have a baby and she wants to fit in? Talk to your daughter and she if you two can brainstorm what benefits/rewards she hopes to receive by being pregnant. Did she actively try to conceive?

Is your pregnant daughter safe?

News from Italy on May 14 tells of a 14-year-old possibly pregnant girl (autopsy not finished at time of this post) who was murdered by the three boys who might have been the father of the baby. The boy's were afraid she would tell people that one of them was the father. So they killed her.

Also 14-years-old, Chelsea Brooks of Kansas (9 months pregnant) was murdered by a hit man hired by the father of the baby. That trial will start soon.

This ABC News story from 2005 discusses "Why Pregnant Women Are Targeted", and cites two horrible statistics:

A study published in the March 2005 edition of the American Journal of Public Health found that homicide was a leading cause of death among pregnant women in the United States between 1991 and 1999.

A 2001 study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association said 20 percent of Maryland women who died during pregnancy were murdered. Researchers found the same trend in New York from 1987-1991 and in the Chicago area from 1986-1989. According to the CDC, approximately 324,000 pregnant women are hurt by an intimate partner or former partner each year.

Why do men kill their pregnant partners? "The usual reason when it involves a man is the [unborn] baby. The baby is causing a complication in his life," said Pat Brown, profiler and chief executive officer of The Pat Brown Criminal Profiling Agency."

Consider talking to the father of your daughter's baby (and his family, if possible). Does he see the baby as "obstacle to the life he wants to lead, a burden, a lifelong obligation of child support"? If so, consider your daughter's physical safety. The article mentions that if the baby's father is trying to control your daughter, that this is a warning sign to keep in mind. Another ABC News story adds to this line of thought:

Despite the various motives, experts say all these killings have a common denominator: a need for control. Pregnancy can make domineering husbands and
boyfriends feel like they are no longer powerful and in control, especially in abusive relationships. Murder is the ultimate demonstration of control. "What we find with men who are violent toward their intimate partner is that he feels that he's lost control or possession over her or her body," said Cates. "He feels that he is not getting the attention that he deserves. He often feels … that he's lost his place to the baby."

Other reasons the father's baby may try to hurt your daughter include:

• He wants her to get an abortion, and she refuses
• He wants to keep the pregnancy secret
• He doesn't want to pay child support

Ask your daughter to be honest with you: Has her partner been abusing her verbally or physically? If so, get her the counseling and medical treatment she needs, and figure out what steps you need to take to keep her safe from the baby's father.

Why? Why? Why?!

Little children are not the only ones who constantly ask "Why?" The number one search phrase leading to this blog is also "Why", and it's also a question that haunts parents as they try to make sense of their single daughter's pregnancy.

The question is phrased lots of different ways (as taken from our stat logs):

• Why teens get pregnant
• Why do teens want to get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get pregnant
• Reason why teens get pregnant
• Why do so many teens get pregnant
• Why do teens get pregnancy [sic]
• Why do so many teenage girls get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get early pregnancy
• Book on why teenagers get pregnant
• Why girls get pregnant early
• Why do teens get pregnant at an early age
• Why do teens get pregnant early
• Reasons teens get pregnant
• The reasons teens get pregnant

The basic answer to all of these queries is "the reason teens get pregnant is that they are having sex." It may seem obvious to some, but not to others. We recently worked with a young couple where the girl was pregnant and all the boy could say (over and over and over) was "It was only sex! It was only sex!" He just could not get his mind around the fact that sex and pregnancy are intimately joined.

Our media has worked very hard to create the falsehood that sex is recreation only, that there are no consequences physically (pregnancy, STDs), emotionally (broken hearts and trouble trusting in future relationships), and spiritually (continuous intentional sin for singles having sex will lead to a hardened spirit). The 2005 "Sex on TV 4" report says

Across all scenes with sexual content in the teen sample, only 5% mention any risk and responsibility topics (see Table 22), almost the identical percentage observed for television overall (4%). Of the three categories of sexual risk and responsibility messages, the most common is sexual precaution, with 3% of sexual scenes addressing this topic, followed by the depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sex (2%), and sexual patience (1%).

So in analyzing TV shows popular with teens, only 5% of scenes mention the fact that there are consequences to sex. The most common approach is simply to talk about contraceptives or prevention of STDs. The second approach is depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sexual behavior. And the least common approach is to talk about abstinence or delaying sex ('sexual patience'). The "Sex on TV 4" report notes that "Sexual encounters that are presented without any of these elements certainly convey a much different message to the audience, and in
particular to young viewers, than portrayals that include them."

In chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words", in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", we have a list of other possible reasons that may be a factor in a single daughter's pregnancy. One possible reason on that list is that your daughter may have been a victim of someone who exploited her innocence. A 2004 study found that 44% of high school students think that boys at their school often or sometimes push girls to drink alcohol or take drugs in order to get the girls to have sex or do other sexual things (from the "National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse IX: Teen Dating Practices and Sexual Activity" by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University (http://www.casacolumbia.org/)).

Whether or not your daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her all the factors that contribute to her sexual activity. See if the two of you can figure out "WHY" she is having sex. Is she being pressured or exploited? Is she hoping to "buy" love by giving sex? Has she been tested for STDs with each new sexual partner? Get your daughter the medical and emotional help she needs to make better choices going forward.

"Young Parents Program"

This article tells the story of Jenna de la Cruz who became pregnant at 15 and hid her pregnancy from her parents for a time even though friends at her junior high school knew about the pregnancy. Jenna eventually enrolled in a program for pregnant teens which helped her focus on her high school studies.

Now 17, she graduated a year early and has two scholarships waiting, one to enroll at Salt Lake Community College and another for her planned transfer to the University of Utah, where she hopes to study to become a teacher. She has no regrets about keeping her child.

That special school has a high school graduation rate of 74%, which is an outstanding accomplishment. As we mention in the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", about one-third of female high school dropouts in America cite pregnancy as the reason they stopped going to school. You can also read more about "The Silent Epidemic: Perspectives of High School Dropouts", a report by Civic Enterprises.

Liliana Juarez, a 17-year-old from Kearns, said that before becoming pregnant, she often skipped school to party. Her 18-month-old daughter, Xitlaly, plus the Young Parents Program, has put her life back on track. "She [Xitlaly] needs a better life than me being a dropout with a $6-an-hour job," Juarez said.

Support your daughter in figuring out how she will at least finish high school! This will vastly improve her life and the life of your grandchild.