Your pregnant daughter in your home

The topic of a daughter moving back in with you has been on the minds of readers recently, with queries such as "dealing with daughter with baby moving back in" and "living arrangements for pregnant teens".

CNN recently had an article about ways to cope when family needs to move in with you. You might encounter this situation when your daughter who was living away from home becomes pregnant and needs to move back in with you for any reason. So in addition to the stresses you and she face in making decisions about her pregnancy with your grandchild, you both now have the stresses of adjusting to a new housing arrangement. If she is moving back in with you because a relationship ended, or she lost a job, or some other emotional trauma, there is also that tension to deal with.

The CNN article gives some tips on coping. First, both sides should talk openly about their feelings about the new living situation. There is likely to be resentment on both sides, and feelings that personal freedoms have been invaded. If you can both recognize your feelings and share them openly yet politely, you can all be aware that everyone is making a sacrifice.

Second, while you may not decide to make a formal contract with your daughter, you should at least discuss and agree on several things ahead of time, such as the following. We discuss these issues in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single."

• Will your daughter pay you rent? How much?
• Will she share part of the expenses for utilities? How much?
• Will she buy her own groceries, or will she contribute to a grocery fund?
• Your daughter should not be considered a guest, and you are not her maid service. Thus she should do her own laundry (does she need to provide her own soap, or just pay you for soap used?), wash her own dishes (or take turns where you each wash ALL the dishes), pick up after herself, and help with household chores and errands.
• Schedule a regular family meeting time where you can have a "preventive, proactive conversation, which changes the whole tone from frozen no-talk to 'we're teammates and we want this to work.'" Don't let small complaints mushroom...talk about them quickly and brainstorm ways to change the situation.
• Talk regularly to plan an exit strategy. Talk about what housing options are available to her and how she could afford them to return to more independence. This exit may be several years down the road, and that's okay as long as you all keep talking about it and moving towards the goal in practical steps.
• Know that you're not alone. We mention this in nearly every post, related to nearly every topic. You are not the only family going through these trials. If you need someone to talk to, see if there is a support group at a local church, join a small group Bible study and get prayer support, get counsel from a pastor or Christian counselor, and reach out to your own extended family.

Don't allow hardships to destroy your family... be proactive in drawing the family together for mutual support. You can come out of this closer and stronger instead of wounded, if you make the choices to do so.

If your pregnant daughter is not able to live in your home for any reason, we've also blogged about her living with relatives, friends, and at a maternity home.

What problems have you found when your pregnant daughter moved back in with you? What tips do you have to share with other readers?

Listen In TODAY!

Today - join us good advice, compelling and inspired stories on Beyond The Bandaide with Joyce Zounis, featuring Linda Perry on May 19 & 28! Listen at http://www.nplr.net/ at 2:00 pm Central time, May 19 & May 28. Once there, click "Tune In Now", download the free Live365 internet radio player if you don't already have it, and you're ready to listen!

EDITED:
If you missed today's broadcast, you can tune in again on May 28. OR you can listen to and watch the 26 minute interview right here via streaming audio. In this interview, Linda Perry ...

• Shares her own story of how her peers urged her to abort her daughter in 1971.
• Gives an overview of the work of CareNet and the work of pregnancy help centers.
• Describes sexual integrity as the solution to avoid unwanted pregnancy.
• Talks about the support system that a woman needs when making a decision about the outcome of her pregnancy.
• Describes some of the resources available through ChalfontHouse.com for abortion recovery and surviving your single daughter's pregnancy.

Get a glimpse into one mind

Here are summaries from an actual blog belonging to a teen who is actively trying to get pregnant. You can see a bit of her thought processes and her motives, which are examples of answers to "why do some teens get pregnant." Obviously, not every pregnant teen feels like this, but some do. Entries have been summarized, but the underlying thoughts have not been altered. These entries are written over an 8 week period.



Day 1– She calls her boyfriend the "love of my life" and announces she is trying to conceive a baby with him.

Day 2 – She tells of a conversation with her boyfriend where he questions whether now is a good time to get pregnant since they are both still in school. She says, "But my best friend is pregnant and I feel so lonely." Some peer pressure here...she wants to fit in. She notes that she will try to talk him into agreeing to the pregnancy, that she doesn't want to wait until she's done with school.

Day 4- She notes that she should start saving money to care for the baby, commenting that her mother was poor when she was born and thus she ended up being raised by her grandmother. She promises herself that her baby will not be raised by its grandmother, her mother, and complains about the parenting she has received.

Day 6 – She reaffirms that she is intentionally trying to get pregnant. "I’m hoping by this time next year I'll have my own little bundle of joy." Either this is just a phrase, or she is hoping the baby will provide her with emotional fulfillment such as joy and unconditional love.

Day 8 – She tells the story of a previous miscarriage she had, and again hopes that she is pregnant. She has not finished grieving the lost child, and may be trying to replace the baby that was miscarried. When a woman has an abortion and then intentionally gets pregnant again, the new baby is called an 'Atonement child'. When trying to get pregnant again rapidly following a miscarriage, the baby is a 'Replacement child'.

Day 9 - She is very upset that she had a big fight with her boyfriend and they broke up. She says, "God, I hope I’m pregnant – it’s the only way to talk him back into loving me." Many women of all ages believe that they can restore a broken relationship by turning up pregnant with his child.

Day 14 – She is very upset because her old boyfriend has started dating someone else. She says, "I’ve never cried this much over a stupid boy. This must mean something. I’m praying a lot lately, asking God to forgive me and bless me and my ex-boyfriend - bless us with a child or make his parents love me or something. I’m praying for this life to stop being a wreck and for my heart to finally be whole." Many women of all ages believe that a child will fulfill all of the mother's emotional needs, which is a heavy burden to expect out of any human, and even more so for an infant.

Day 24 - She is analyzing every physical symptom she has, hoping that they indicate pregnancy. She ends the post with, "If I don’t get my period, then God loves me and wants my ex-boyfriend to be mine. If I do, then maybe it’s not meant to be or at least not right now." Again, she is hoping to hold on to the relationship by having a baby with him.

Day 28 - As it becomes clear that she is not pregnant, she is upset: "I’m about to cry - this was my last shot to get my ex-boyfriend back."

Day 54 - The next month, she has moved on and met a new boyfriend who is her age, and she wastes little time in building a relationship with him but instead says, "I’m considering trying to conceive with him."

Talk with your daughter about these thoughts. Is she feeling peer pressure to be sexually active? Are there aspects of home life she is trying to escape from by being sexually active? Is she believing that having a baby will get her out of the house? What is she hoping/expecting a baby to provide her emotionally? Is she trying to replace a child lost to abortion or miscarriage? Is she trying to hold on to a guy by getting pregnant?

Why? Perhaps she WANTS to be pregnant

In reading blogs today, I was given a pointer to a Xanga group where the participants are teens who are TRYING to become pregnant. Their blogs and profiles can provide insight into "why" some teens get pregnant -- they are actively trying to do so!

Some of the blogrings (there are a great many of them!) on Xanga are titled:

• Teens TTC (description "This blogring is strictly for teens that are TTC (trying to conceive). Just because we aren't adults yet doesnt mean we can't be excellent mommies and daddies. Screw being old-fashioned, its 2005, and times have changed.")
• So you wanna be a teen mom (description "You ever dream about having your own little bundle of joy...or maybe you just have this need in you...you need to parent!")
• Wants to be a teen mom (description "Yeah, you want to be a teen mother, you think you are going to be a good mother, and doesn't want to wait past the age 21 to have kids, and wants to have one as early as you can")
• Wannabe teen parents (description "If you are just dying to be a parent and you are younger than 20 please join")
• Teenz that want a baby (description "If you're a teen and you want a child")
• Bundle of love (description "This is for teens trying to conceive. If you want a baby and you're a teen, you're welcome here")

So the answer to the question "Why do teens get pregnant" is that for some of them, they wanted to be pregnant and tried hard to become so! The next job is to figure out what she hoped having a baby would do for her. Does she believe that a baby will provide her with unconditional love? Does she believe that she'll be able to leave home and live on government assistance on her own if she has a baby? Does she want a baby because some of her friends have a baby and she wants to fit in? Talk to your daughter and she if you two can brainstorm what benefits/rewards she hopes to receive by being pregnant. Did she actively try to conceive?

Is your pregnant daughter safe?

News from Italy on May 14 tells of a 14-year-old possibly pregnant girl (autopsy not finished at time of this post) who was murdered by the three boys who might have been the father of the baby. The boy's were afraid she would tell people that one of them was the father. So they killed her.

Also 14-years-old, Chelsea Brooks of Kansas (9 months pregnant) was murdered by a hit man hired by the father of the baby. That trial will start soon.

This ABC News story from 2005 discusses "Why Pregnant Women Are Targeted", and cites two horrible statistics:

A study published in the March 2005 edition of the American Journal of Public Health found that homicide was a leading cause of death among pregnant women in the United States between 1991 and 1999.

A 2001 study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association said 20 percent of Maryland women who died during pregnancy were murdered. Researchers found the same trend in New York from 1987-1991 and in the Chicago area from 1986-1989. According to the CDC, approximately 324,000 pregnant women are hurt by an intimate partner or former partner each year.

Why do men kill their pregnant partners? "The usual reason when it involves a man is the [unborn] baby. The baby is causing a complication in his life," said Pat Brown, profiler and chief executive officer of The Pat Brown Criminal Profiling Agency."

Consider talking to the father of your daughter's baby (and his family, if possible). Does he see the baby as "obstacle to the life he wants to lead, a burden, a lifelong obligation of child support"? If so, consider your daughter's physical safety. The article mentions that if the baby's father is trying to control your daughter, that this is a warning sign to keep in mind. Another ABC News story adds to this line of thought:

Despite the various motives, experts say all these killings have a common denominator: a need for control. Pregnancy can make domineering husbands and
boyfriends feel like they are no longer powerful and in control, especially in abusive relationships. Murder is the ultimate demonstration of control. "What we find with men who are violent toward their intimate partner is that he feels that he's lost control or possession over her or her body," said Cates. "He feels that he is not getting the attention that he deserves. He often feels … that he's lost his place to the baby."

Other reasons the father's baby may try to hurt your daughter include:

• He wants her to get an abortion, and she refuses
• He wants to keep the pregnancy secret
• He doesn't want to pay child support

Ask your daughter to be honest with you: Has her partner been abusing her verbally or physically? If so, get her the counseling and medical treatment she needs, and figure out what steps you need to take to keep her safe from the baby's father.

Why? Why? Why?!

Little children are not the only ones who constantly ask "Why?" The number one search phrase leading to this blog is also "Why", and it's also a question that haunts parents as they try to make sense of their single daughter's pregnancy.

The question is phrased lots of different ways (as taken from our stat logs):

• Why teens get pregnant
• Why do teens want to get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get pregnant
• Reason why teens get pregnant
• Why do so many teens get pregnant
• Why do teens get pregnancy [sic]
• Why do so many teenage girls get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get early pregnancy
• Book on why teenagers get pregnant
• Why girls get pregnant early
• Why do teens get pregnant at an early age
• Why do teens get pregnant early
• Reasons teens get pregnant
• The reasons teens get pregnant

The basic answer to all of these queries is "the reason teens get pregnant is that they are having sex." It may seem obvious to some, but not to others. We recently worked with a young couple where the girl was pregnant and all the boy could say (over and over and over) was "It was only sex! It was only sex!" He just could not get his mind around the fact that sex and pregnancy are intimately joined.

Our media has worked very hard to create the falsehood that sex is recreation only, that there are no consequences physically (pregnancy, STDs), emotionally (broken hearts and trouble trusting in future relationships), and spiritually (continuous intentional sin for singles having sex will lead to a hardened spirit). The 2005 "Sex on TV 4" report says

Across all scenes with sexual content in the teen sample, only 5% mention any risk and responsibility topics (see Table 22), almost the identical percentage observed for television overall (4%). Of the three categories of sexual risk and responsibility messages, the most common is sexual precaution, with 3% of sexual scenes addressing this topic, followed by the depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sex (2%), and sexual patience (1%).

So in analyzing TV shows popular with teens, only 5% of scenes mention the fact that there are consequences to sex. The most common approach is simply to talk about contraceptives or prevention of STDs. The second approach is depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sexual behavior. And the least common approach is to talk about abstinence or delaying sex ('sexual patience'). The "Sex on TV 4" report notes that "Sexual encounters that are presented without any of these elements certainly convey a much different message to the audience, and in
particular to young viewers, than portrayals that include them."

In chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words", in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", we have a list of other possible reasons that may be a factor in a single daughter's pregnancy. One possible reason on that list is that your daughter may have been a victim of someone who exploited her innocence. A 2004 study found that 44% of high school students think that boys at their school often or sometimes push girls to drink alcohol or take drugs in order to get the girls to have sex or do other sexual things (from the "National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse IX: Teen Dating Practices and Sexual Activity" by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University (http://www.casacolumbia.org/)).

Whether or not your daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her all the factors that contribute to her sexual activity. See if the two of you can figure out "WHY" she is having sex. Is she being pressured or exploited? Is she hoping to "buy" love by giving sex? Has she been tested for STDs with each new sexual partner? Get your daughter the medical and emotional help she needs to make better choices going forward.

"Young Parents Program"

This article tells the story of Jenna de la Cruz who became pregnant at 15 and hid her pregnancy from her parents for a time even though friends at her junior high school knew about the pregnancy. Jenna eventually enrolled in a program for pregnant teens which helped her focus on her high school studies.

Now 17, she graduated a year early and has two scholarships waiting, one to enroll at Salt Lake Community College and another for her planned transfer to the University of Utah, where she hopes to study to become a teacher. She has no regrets about keeping her child.

That special school has a high school graduation rate of 74%, which is an outstanding accomplishment. As we mention in the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", about one-third of female high school dropouts in America cite pregnancy as the reason they stopped going to school. You can also read more about "The Silent Epidemic: Perspectives of High School Dropouts", a report by Civic Enterprises.

Liliana Juarez, a 17-year-old from Kearns, said that before becoming pregnant, she often skipped school to party. Her 18-month-old daughter, Xitlaly, plus the Young Parents Program, has put her life back on track. "She [Xitlaly] needs a better life than me being a dropout with a $6-an-hour job," Juarez said.

Support your daughter in figuring out how she will at least finish high school! This will vastly improve her life and the life of your grandchild.