The growing cultural divide

Charles Murray, whose book Losing Ground redefined the debate about welfare and the underclass thirty years ago, has a new book, Coming Apart. The book is about the increasing cultural divide among white Americans.

Murray shows clearly the growing cultural divide between white middle-to-upper class communities and white working-class communities. In 1960, the two communities, despite differences in income and educational attainment, were statistically-similar when it came to marriage, out-of-wedlock births, and religion. Around 1970, the gap widened, and by 2010 it was better described as a “chasm.”

Whereas 83% of those in upper-class communities are married, only 48% of those in working-class communities are married. 

While 6% of births among upper-class communities are to unmarried mothers, 44% of those in working communities are. 

And most surprisingly of all, middle-to-upper-middle class Americans are more likely to attend religious services on a regular basis than working-class Americans.

Source: Breakpoint

Talking with your teens

Need help with talking with your teens about various tougher topics?

The Center for Latino Adolescent and Family Health has a series of nine modules that you can download for free.  There is a parent booklet for each (in English and Spanish), and a teen booklet for two of the topics.

Families Talking Together - Parent Materials

Latino English Version
The Basics: What Parents Need to Know
Module 1: Linking Lives: Parenting Your Teens
Module 2: Your Teen's World
Module 3: How to Help Your Teen Grow Up
Module 4: Talking the Talk
Module 5: Can We Get Along?
Module 6: You Gotta Have Friends
Module 7: Self-Esteem and Your Teen
Module 8: Helping Your Teen Say "No" to Sex
Module 9: Should I Talk to My Teen about Birth Control and Protection?

Real Stories: Ashley Watts

Ashley Watts got pregnant during her freshman year in college.  "She had never wanted or planned to be a mother that early in life. She wasn’t ready for a child. However, she refused to do what everyone thought she would do; she refused to give up. Now, 24-year-old Watts is pursing her Master’s degree in criminal justice at the University of Alabama and is the proud mother of a 4-year-old."

Ashley notes that being a parent and a student is very difficult.  Some of the difficulties your pregnant daughter may face as a student and a parent include the feeling of isolation, and the recognition that her classmates have a very different lifestyle with less responsibility.

“One of the most common misconceptions I have faced is that everyone thought that once I became pregnant that I would just pack my bags and head back home,” Watts said. “They all thought I would just give up school, or take my daughter home to father to let him raise her. But that was never an option for me.”

Watts said her life is often overwhelming, but she continues to push through for her daughter.

“My daughter will know that no matter what life may throw at her, she can still come out on top,” Watts said. “Getting pregnant young does not have to be an ‘end of my life’ scenario. It is exactly what you make it, and I chose to rise above and be more than just another statistic.”

The University of Alabama has support for parents who are undergraduates and graduate students.  Does your daughter's school have a support program that would be beneficial to her?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Completing School”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Education on a budget

Your pregnant daughter's education level is crucial to her future money situation.  The more education she has, the more likely she will be to have a job that pays enough to keep her and her child(ren) out of poverty.  Feminists for Life has an article that contains tips on getting an education on a shoestring budget.

If your pregnant daughter has not yet graduated from high school, she needs to find a way to complete at LEAST that much education.

A GED (General Educational Development) certification is an alternative to a high school diploma that
allows your pregnant daughter to work while preparing for and completing the certification exam. More information about this can be found at www.acenet.edu, which has sample questions, study tools, and the latest information about the GED.

In order to attend school, your daughter will need someone to care for her child.  Will family and friends help her with free or inexpensive childcare while she attends class and studies?  Does your church or community group offer affordable childcare? 

Your daughter will also need transportation to school.  Does she have access to a reliable vehicle?  Can she share a ride with a friend or family?  Can she walk, or take public transportation?

After completing high school or a GED, your daughter should consider getting a college degree of some sort (a 2-year degree or a 4-year degree).  To reduce tuition expenses, your daughter should look at attending a local community college for a few years before transferring to a university to finish a four-year program.  She needs to research carefully to see which courses will transfer so that she doesn't waste time and money on classes that will have to be re-taken.

If your daughter thinks online education would work better for her, she can search for distance
education programs at www.distance-education.org.  She needs to be sure that her online school is accredited, and if she is interested in a profession that requires licensure (such as nursing, teaching, etc.), then she needs to be sure the online college offers this licensure as part of their program.

If your pregnant daughter has to miss a class because of pregnancy issues, sick children or other
family needs, she needs to have a designated buddy or two in each class to take notes or tape the class for her. She should get to know her professors right away by talking to them before and after class.  She should let them know about her situation and her intentions to meet their expectations. She should be sure to call her professors if she has to be absent (even if it’s a large class). This lets the professor know that she is dedicated to their class. It’s also a good tip for distance learners to go beyond email and actually have phone conversations with professors from time to time.

For breastfeeding mothers, find out if there are designated spots on campus for breastfeeding or pumping, or ask other student parents for the best spots.

How to finance her education?  There are many types of scholarships and loans available to
students: take a look at www.fafsa.ed.gov.  Only take on the minimum amount of loans necessary to pay tuition expenses. Singlemom.com also has a list of scholarships that are more specific to single mothers. Some employers will pay for part of college tuition. She should consider seeking employment that supports her education. Although working full-time and going to school can be quite the challenge, it is another option for those with support for these goals.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Completing School” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Childcare Resources

The National Association of Childcare Resource & Referral Agencies (NACCRRA) says there are 8.6 million families in the United States in which both parents are working, 5.6 million working single parents, and 14.3 million children under age six in need of childcare. On average, children under age five with working mothers spend 36 hours a week in childcare.

Feminists for Life's report "Kids on a Shoestring Budget" reports that the average annual fees for full-time center care for an infant range from $4,542 to $14,591. The cost of in-home childcare is slightly less. Infant care is the most expensive, primarily because the infant-to-caregiver ratio must
be lower. Full-time center care for a toddler or preschool child costs from $3,380 to $10,787.

A 2011 study by the Institute for Women's Policy Research found that student parents in the United States need more than one million childcare slots but that less than 5% of that need is being met at campus childcare centers. Though student parents make up about one-fourth of all postsecondary students, less than 20% of postsecondary schools offer on-campus childcare, and the children of students rarely get priority when facilities exist.

So what resources can help your pregnant daughter with child care while she attends school or a job?

For children who are not yet in school, see if your daughter and her child(ren) qualify for programs like "Early Head Start" and "Head Start".

Does anyone in your extended family live nearby that would be willing and able to help with free childcare?  Older siblings, grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc.?

Can your daughter swap babysitting with other women who are children of a similar age?

If your pregnant daughter will be employed full time after giving birth, does her employer offer on-site childcare?  Maybe they offer childcare assistance programs?

If your pregnant daughter will return to school after giving birth, does her school offer on-site childcare?

If your pregnant daughter is researching childcare, she should be very thorough in her consideration of every situation.  She should interview the childcare provider during business hours.  She should ask to see the results of background checks on the employees.  She should ask to see proof of licensing.  She should ask for references from the childcare provider (and actually call them and ask questions!).  And she should spend time observing the children in the environment.

Websites such as www.childcareaware.org and www.daycareproviders.com allow you to search for providers by name, city, or ZIP code. They provide checklists to guide parents through the search process, as well as sample interview questions to use with potential providers. They also offer
electronic newsletters for both parents and childcare providers. The Childcare and Development Fund (nccic.acf.hhs.gov) provides comprehensive information on state childcare providers.

Once your daughter's children attend school, they may need before-school and after-school care.  The YMCA (www.ymca.net) offers a school-age childcare program called Y-Care.  Boys & Girls Clubs is another nationwide agency that offers before- and after-school childcare options in many communities. You can search their website, www.bgca.org, by ZIP code to find a club near you.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Childcare Responsibilities”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Real Stories: Internet and sex

Marcus Thomas, 28 years old, traveled from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to Rapid City, South Dakota (about 1,500 miles).  Why? To have sex with a girl he met on the internet.  But it turned out that the girl he traveled to meet was only 15.  And she became pregnant from their encounter after he climbed through her window into her bedroom.

The girl is now a 16-year-old single mother, and Marcus plead guilty to fourth-degree rape and is serving probation.  Marcus must now send child support for this child in addition to the four other children he has with three other women.

Talk to your teens about this news article.  Marcus claims that he thought the girl was 18.  How do your teens represent themselves on the Internet?  What personal information are they giving out?  What rules has your family created for Internet use?  Should your teens only be able to access the Internet on a computer that is in a common room (not their bedroom) so that they can be monitored?  How about their cell phone Internet access? 

Research teen internet safety by searching online.  Talk to your family about rules such as these found in a Family Contract for Online Safety.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Restoring Sexual Integrity”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Real Story: Tanika Stevenson's murder

Tanika Stevenson (24) was murdered in 1997 because she refused to abort her third child with Derrick Clements (25).  Derrick was married to someone else and had three children with his wife.  Derrick had already paid Tanika to abort two of their children, and she refused to abort their third child.  So Derrick shot Tanika in the back of the head and stuffed her body into the trunk of her own car, then parked the car at the Dowdell’s Knob overlook in Pine Mountain’s Franklin D. Roosevelt State Park in Georgia.  He stole her ATM card and withdrew money from her account, telling police that he had paid her to have an abortion and he wanted his money back since she would not abort.

If your daughter is pregnant by a married man who is not her husband, talk to her about her safety.  Has he threatened her in any way?  Is he insisting on abortion?  Do they fight about her pregnancy?  If so, ask her to not see him in private at any time, to always have someone with her.  If he has threatened her, ask her to talk to the police and/or a lawyer about getting a restraining order against him.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy".

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Budget housing, furniture and utilities

Forget glamorous, spacious, and perfect decor.  Instead, focus on safe and affordable.  Feminists for Life has a great article giving tips about housing, furniture and utilities when you are on a shoestring budget.

Most towns have a public housing office, although it may be difficult to get placed because of long waiting lists and shortages of available housing in most places. The U.S. Department of Housing
and Urban Development (HUD) may have listings of low-income housing. Local HUD offices can be found by choosing your state from the pulldown menu at www.hud.gov.

Consider sharing a house or apartment with other families like yours. Make sure that house-sharers are safe people, mutually compatible and flexible people, and to plan the living space for privacy as well as togetherness. Be sure to check your local laws about how many people may legally share a bedroom.

The National Shared Housing Resource Center (www.nationalsharedhousing.org) can be a good starting point for researching shared housing options. Craigslist is another resource for finding people interested in shared housing. Coabode.com offers a “matchmaking” service for single mothers to share housing with other single mothers.


Many utility companies and charitable organizations offer financial assistance to low-income
households for utilities. Take action to keep utility costs down. The first step is weather-proofing: make sure there is caulk around window frames, weather-stripping on doors, and use plastic insulating kits on windows where there are no storm windows.  Keep showers short, turn off lights, unplug items that you aren't using, change the thermostat and adjust clothing layers instead.

When children are small, it is better to have sturdier, more durable furniture that can withstand
some wear and tear. Handmedowns from relatives or friends can meet the need. A mattress and box spring on a metal frame are just as good as an expensive bed frame, and a futon on the floor is even
cheaper. Check www.freecycle.org first for free furniture. If you can’t find anything there, try craigslist.com, or bulletin boards at religious community centers, supermarkets and businesses. Flea markets, auctions, garage sales and tag sales are also good sources, although they pose an impulse buy
temptation.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Should she parent alone?”in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy" to learn more about housing.

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Abortion and Mental Health

Up to 10% of mental health problems among women may be affected by a history of abortion, according to a new review published by the Royal College of Psychiatrists in their  British Journal of Psychiatry.

 

Publication of this new review, which included 877,181 women from six countries, has reawakened accusations that the American Psychological Associations Task Force on Mental Health and Abortion deliberately understated abortion’s mental health risks for ideological reasons.

The findings of the new review appear to contradict the conclusions published by the task force in 2008, which stated that a "single abortion" of an "unwanted" pregnancy for an "adult" woman did not "in and of itself" pose significant mental health risks.

According to an expert in the field, Elliot Institute director Dr. David Reardon, that carefully nuanced conclusion was designed to obscure rather than clarify the risks of abortion.  "If you pay close attention you will find reluctant admissions that certain subgroups of women are at higher risk."

For example, the APA review admits that multiple abortions may be problematic. But it then fails to mention that fully half of all abortions are second, third or fourth abortions.

Similarly, Reardon notes that the APA recognizes that abortions of wanted pregnancies, and cases where women feel pressured to abort by other people, are also clearly problematic. But these cases may account for 30% to 65% of all abortions. Abortions for minors are also known to be associated with elevated suicide rates.


The meta-analysis in this publication revealed that women with a history of abortion face higher rates of anxiety (34% higher) and depression (37% higher), heavier alcohol use (110% higher) and marijuana use (230% higher), and higher rates of suicidal behavior (155% higher).

The study also found that women who delivered an unplanned pregnancy were significantly less likely to have mental health problems than similar women who aborted unplanned pregnancies.  Women with a history of abortion were 55% more likely to have mental health problems than women who did not abort an unplanned pregnancy.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics.  If your pregnant daughter is a minor, and/or people are pressuring her to abort her child, she may be facing mental health consequences after the abortion.  With your pregnant daughter, learn more about the psychological impact of abortion.


You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Trying to Hide” and "Where is God in all of this?" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.


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Food and Nutrition for the Family - on a shoestring budget!

If you don’t have enough money for food, there are many ways of getting help.  An article called "Food and Nutrition for the Family" gives great tips on how to eat better when you are on a shoestring budget.  Read this article with your pregnant daughter and talk to her about these points:

• Learn about WIC (Women, Infants and Children), SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, formerly the Food Stamps program), the Child Care Food Program, and the School Meals Programs by going to www.fns.uada.gov
• Feeding America (www.feedingamerica.org) has a searchable online directory of food banks in your area.
• For a baby’s first four to six months, breast milk or infant formula provides all the nutrition she needs. Once a baby starts to eat solid foods, consider making your own baby food. Learn more at  www.wholesomebabyfood.com
• Cook at home more.  Find recipes at www.allrecipes.com, www.lowcostmeal.com, or
  www.cookforgood.com.
• Plan menus for a week and buy only the items needed.
• Drink water.

Talk with your pregnant daughter about your current food budget.  What items that are low quality foods can be removed in order to save money or to buy more nutritious foods?

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Infant Feeding

Breastfeeding? Formula feeding?  Feminists for Life has a great article "Infant Feeding" that teaches you about both.  Read this article with your pregnant daughter and discuss these points from the article:

• "The American Academy of Pediatrics (www.aap.org/breastfeeding/) recommends breastfeeding newborns for at least six months. Breastfeeding helps build babies’ immune systems and promotes bonding between mother and child. Breastfeeding mothers may find it easier to lose pregnancy weight, and breastfeeding contributes to reduced risk of breast and ovarian cancer."
• "Make sure the baby is allowed to latch on to the breast within the first hour after birth, if  possible, and breastfeeding will be easier for both mother and child. While in the hospital, don’t let staff give formula or pacifiers to your newborn."  Add this to your written Birth Plan if you want the staff to follow this.
• "Check the USDA website at www.fda.gov/cdrh/breastpumps/index.html for information about pumping and storing breast milk."
• "The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends iron-fortified infant formula if you are unable to breastfeed or if your baby is weaned before 12 months or needs supplemental milk."
• "Formula feeding allows fathers, partners or other family members to participate in nourishing and nurturing the baby, encouraging one-on-one time and allowing the mother some extra rest.
  (Pumped breast milk can also be used for this purpose.)"

Does your daughter plan to breastfeed? Or to use formula?  Share your own experiences with her.  Go to several stores and compare prices for formula.  How much money could formula cost each week?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “The Child is Born” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Free child safety seat for Virginia Residents

To qualify for a free child safety seat in Virginia, applicants must meet all of the following:

• Medicaid or FAMIS eligible or proof of meeting program income eligibility guidelines
• Resident of Virginia
• Parent, legal guardian, or foster parent of the child
• Last trimester of pregnancy, or provided for children seven years old or younger who fit within the program safety seat manufacturer's guidelines
• Available to attend a safety seat installation and use class
• Sign a waiver of liability release form

If you meet the above requirements you may contact your local distribution site to learn how to apply for the program. To use an interactive map to locate a distribution site where you live and learn how to apply to receive a free safety seat click here.
For more information concerning the program or for other technical assistance on child occupant protection and resource information, call 1-800-732-8333.

Maps for Dads

"Maps for New Dads" is a great brochure for the baby's father, covering both prenatal and newborn topics.  Print out a free copy and give it to the baby's father.  Use the brochure as a guideline for family talk times.  Your pregnant daughter and other family members may like a copy too so that they can participate in the discussion.

Topics covered in the brochure are:
Prenatal: Before Your Baby Is BornHow Do You Feel About Being a Dad?
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
The First Trimester
The Second Trimester
The Third Trimester
Dad Fears...There are Plenty!
Dads Make a Difference
Settling Down
Just the Facts
Get Involved and Stay Involved
Prenatal Visits: Why Are They So Important?
Making a Healthy Baby – Dad’s Part
Show Me the Money!
What You Can Do to Get Ready
What’s Up with the New Mom?
Chef Dad
What If My Baby's Mother and I Aren't Together?
What You Can Expect When the Baby Comes
Bonding With Your New Baby
Changing A Diaper!
Sleeping, Dressing, Grooming
Feeding
Crying
Never Shake a Baby
Newborn Safety
All About Cribs
Make Your House a Smoke-free Zone
Supporting Your Baby’s Mom
What Are Mommy Blues?
Make Dadhood Legal
Getting a Job and Going to School
Live Like Dad...Be There!

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Teen birth is contagious?

"Our results show that teen motherhood of the older sister has a significant positive impact on the probability that her younger sister will also have a teen birth. [The impact] is larger for siblings who are close in age, ...as we would expect any such effect to wear off as the age gap between the sisters increases. It is also higher for women from low income households where shared resources between siblings may matter more. We conclude that, within families, teen births tend to be contagious."

These conclusions are from researchers evaluating birth data from Norway during the 1960s.  So the conclusions may not be transferable to the USA of the present time.  However, the question is an interesting one.  If you have two daughters, close in age, and the elder daughter gets pregnant as a teen then it could be significantly more likely that your younger daughter will also also get pregnant as a teen.

So talk to your younger daughters about their older sister's pregnancy.  What does your younger daughter think about her older sister being pregnant?  Does your younger daughter often copy the behavior of your older daughter?  Do you need to change anything in your parenting so that your younger daughter has a reduced chance of becoming sexually active as a teen?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter “Sharing with family and friends” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Health Insurance resource

A pregnant woman needs and deserves prenatal care from the moment she learns she is pregnant. The State Child Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) provides free or low-cost health insurance for children up to age 18 as well as for pregnant women.

The program is designed for families who earn too much to qualify for Medicaid but not enough to afford insurance on their own. Requirements and provisions vary by state. Check insurekidsnow.gov for links to your state’s SCHIP resources, or call 1-877-KIDSNOW (1-877-543-7669).

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “First steps to take” in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

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Real stories: Allison Walsh

Allison Walsh, 21, was seven months pregnant and living with her 22-year-old boyfriend (Matthew Becker) and his family.  Matthew shot and killed Allison on August 12, and their unborn daughter died too.  Why did Matthew kill Allison?  His family says that Matthew was not happy that Allison was pregnant.  Allison had told her family that Matthew wanted her to abort the baby and that he had said that he would not help care for the child when it was born.  Matthew had a history of physically and verbally abusing his girlfriends.  Matthew also had a history of threatening his girlfriends with knives and guns, and was very controlling.

If your daughter's relationship to the baby's father has any similarity to the above, please help your daughter escape him and stay away from him.  Take his threats very seriously.  Get your daughter counseling for the verbal abuse so that she can stay away from him.  Talk to the police and to a lawyer about what you can do to protect your daughter and her unborn child.  Learn about domestic violence at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.

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Real story: Troy Gaines

Troy Gaines grew up in Akron, Ohio, in the 1970’s. He grew up without his father.

Troy has painful memories of not receiving any direction from his dad about school, sports, or any other part of his life. He was a star running back for his middle school football team that won three championships. He felt like if he did well at football that his father would take an interest in his life. He has vivid memories of waiting for his father to show up after each of his football games, only to be
bitterly disappointed.

In his own words, he “wanted to lash out.” Troy turned to other people and things to fill the void that his father had left in his life. As a result, he had several run-ins with police, and starting in 2002 he spent a year at the Summit County Jail. At the time he went to prison, he was leaving behind his 22 year old girlfriend, Stacey, and their one week old son, Xavier. Troy recalls thinking that Xavier would feel the same way about him as he felt about his own dad.

It took a tragedy in Troy’s life for him to really turn the corner. While in prison, Troy learned that his girlfriend, Stacey, was murdered by guys that came to the house looking for drugs. Distraught from the loss of his girlfriend, Troy realized he needed help on what it means to be a man and father. He had a renewed determination to be there for his son in ways that his father was not there for him. He was committed to breaking the vicious cycle of father absence.

It was at that point that he turned to a man named Frank Williams, who was leading the InsideOut Dad™ program, which is helping inmate fathers throughout the country reconnect with their children before they are released. Troy had asked Frank for help on how to be a better man and father, and Frank was more than willing to answer that call. (Frank leads the Man2Man Fatherhood Building Program in Akron, Ohio.)

Troy knew he was in the right place when he joined the InsideOut Dad™ program and became part of a community of men that could support, encourage, and challenge each other to be better fathers, even while incarcerated. Troy remarked, “The [National] Fatherhood Initiative program [InsideOut Dad™] helped me to realize you have to make some changes in your life because what you’re doing is going to affect your boy.”

When Troy was released from prison, his first two goals were to find a job and connect with his one year old son. Now that Xavier is 8 years old, Troy is committed to helping him with homework and football, the very things he desperately wanted from his own dad. In fact, Troy tries to attend every game and practice that Xavier has. The impact of Troy’s involvement in Xavier’s life can best be seen
when talking to Xavier.

“With my dad at my games, I feel better and I care more. I love him a lot because he is a very good dad. If you make a mistake, he’ll make you keep going and going and… make you lift your head up.”

Troy knows there is a lot at stake in what type of father he is to Xavier. “Kids do exactly what they see their parents do. If I didn’t straighten up how I did, he would probably follow in my footsteps because he wanted to be like me.”

Troy tells Xavier at least five times a day that he loves him.  We can tell that Xavier knows it when he says, “My dad loves me and would do anything for me.”

Troy’s moving story is featured in a video that was released as part of the Connections Project, an initiative to train practitioners around the country on how to better serve fathers in a corrections setting. To view the video of Troy’s story, please visit www.connectionsproject.org. The Connections Project is being funded by the Bureau of Justice Assistance, a component of the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Challenges faced by the baby's father

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, a noted international expert on child development, notes that expectant fathers often feel excluded. These feelings may show up because pregnancy is typically a time when family, friends and health care professionals focus on the mother.  His pregnant partner is asked repeatedly about her health and well-being, while few people, if any, think to engage him in an authentic way about his own experience. In addition, the expectant mother has a physical connection to the developing child that excludes the father.

This exclusion very often leads to feelings of competition. The expectant father now has to compete with his partner for attention from their friends and family. He has to compete with the pregnancy for attention from his partner. Also, because his prenatal experience may sometimes feel like it is largely one of observation, the expectant father may feel as if he has to rely on his partner for information about their forming child. If not deliberately approached from a place of inclusion, this situation can set up an unhealthy power dynamic, with the mother-to-be positioned as gatekeeper of “all things baby.”

Dr. Brazelton stressed the need for prenatal health care providers to draw the father out of his isolation and engage him in the pregnancy. He sees prenatal visits as a time to expose the father to his  developing baby’s heartbeat and sonogram, as well as an opportunity to ask the father questions about his worries and dreams for his baby. Dr. Brazelton recommends that practitioners show the expectant father how much his baby experiences in the womb as a way to predispose him towards later involvement in his infant’s development.

Another father-specific obstacle discussed throughout the conference is the difficulty many men have defining their role as the father in a family. Some men may have trouble because they lacked a strong father figure in their own home.  Another factor may be the increasingly ambiguous role of the father as experienced in and expressed by our society. The “provider” role is still a very dominant concept in the minds of many men and women, and it is an especially daunting one for un- or underemployed expectant fathers. Fortunately, the model of an involved father continues to broaden from mere
breadwinner and disciplinarian to include coparent, teacher, and nurturer, among others.

Still, there is a perceived disconnect between expectations of masculinity and what it is to be a caring father. For instance, David Johnson, a public health advisor from the Office of Family Planning, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, stressed the need to promote healthier behaviors as expressions of manhood. Yet another barrier to prenatal paternal involvement is that the existing public programs (in general) do not focus on the family as a whole. Programs tend to serve mother and child, while some serve fathers. It is a tough transition for programs to shift to serving the family as a whole system. Mr. Johnson also underscored the need to be prepared to serve various family structures (married, separated, cohabiting). He believes that we more effectively serve fathers when we approach them through an understanding of their own realities and challenges.

One final highlighted challenge is society’s broad disregard for the importance of father
involvement during pregnancy. Expectant fathers report great difficulty taking time away from work or school to attend prenatal appointments and classes. This is typically not the case for the pregnant mother. A recent National Fatherhood Initiative survey asked 701 American fathers about the obstacles they faced to being a good father. “Work responsibilities” was the answer most frequently given. Of the respondents who were not married to their child’s mother, the most frequent obstacle reported was resistance and lack of cooperation from the mother.  Whether an accurate perception or not, this information stresses the need to intervene and address the importance of father involvement from the earliest moment possible.

Source: report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

What men and women want from each other during pregnancy

Q: In all your conversations with single mothers, what is the most common theme you hear about what they wish their baby's father would have done during their pregnancy?
A: Get a suitable job, stay at home, and off the streets. Infidelity and domestic violence, which generally begin during this period, have long-term negative consequences and usually eventually lead to breakup.

Q: What about your conversations with men — what do you hear from them about pregnancy and their involvement?
A: They want these kids, respond more favorably to the news of an unplanned pregnancy, and are determined to stay involved. They are troubled by the amount of power the mothers hold over this key resource (the kid) and the lack of power they hold.

Typically, involvement falls off slowly as mothers and fathers' romantic attachment wanes, but not because of lack of interest on the father's part. Instead, maternal gate-keeping once the mother re-partners seems to be the primary cause. A secondary cause is fathers' new partnerships and parenting roles with subsequent children, which, for men with limited resources, can crowd out commitment to past children.

Source: Interview with author Kathryn Edin in report "The First Nine Months of Fatherhood".

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this quote.  What does she wish the baby's father would do during her pregnancy?  In her conversations with the baby's father, in what ways does he say he wants to be involved in her pregnancy and in their child's life?  What are their current plans for him to visit and care for their child?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group! 

Father involvement after birth

Unless the baby's father is physically dangerous, consider how he might be involved in the life of your daughter's child in some way.  With your pregnant daughter, talk about three categories in which the baby's father could be involved:

1) Engagement with their child: direct interaction with their child.  For example, will the baby's father participate in caregiving tasks, such as preparing food, feeding their child, putting the child to bed, and playing with their child?
2) Availability / Accessibility: the amount of time that the father is available to the child for interaction and the amount of time that the father is accessible to the child, for example, nearby but not interacting with the child.
3) Responsibility: taking charge of meeting the child’s needs for supervision, basic welfare, and health care. 

You may find it helpful to read the chapters “Where does the baby's father belong in all this?” and "The importance of a father" in our book “How To Survive Your Teen’s Pregnancy“.

If the baby's father will absolutely not be involved in the child's life, who in your family will pledge to be a substitute father?  If no one is available or able to make this commitment, would adoption into a man/woman married family be beneficial to both your daughter and her child?

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!