According to a recent study, "27.6%) of American youth aged 12 to 20 said that they drank alcohol in the past month".
Talk to your kids about not drinking alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making it more likely that you will say or do things that you later regret doing, like having sex. Alcohol also affects decision-making skills, making it more likely that you choose to have sex when you otherwise would not have done so.
Statistics indicate that alcohol was involved in more than 97,000 sexual assaults among college students during the years 1998-2001, and more than 100,000 incidents of being too drunk to consent to sex. Was alcohol involved in the sexual activity that lead to your daughter's pregnancy?
"People who start drinking before age 15 are six times more likely to have alcohol problems than those who start drinking at age 21 or older, according to research." Now that your daughter is pregnant, is she still drinking alcohol? Print out this fact sheet about how alcohol affects your daughter's baby while she is pregnant, and talk to her about it. Get her medical help to stop drinking.
The effects of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) vary widely from person to person. Difficulties in an individual’s ability to succeed at home, school, work, and in social situations may arise at different ages. For many people with an FASD, brain damage is the most serious effect. It may result in cognitive and behavior problems. One obvious sign of brain damage in some babies born with FAS is a small head. We call this condition microcephaly. Individuals with FASD may have facial anomalies such as small eye openings, a smooth philtrum (groove under the nose), and a thin upper lip. When a person has all three features, together they are a sign of FASD. Other features, sometimes seen in persons with FAS, include a short nose, a flat mid-face, or a small upper jaw. However, people who do not have FAS can also have these features, so they are not by themselves a sign of FASD.
Due to damage by exposure to alcohol in the womb, babies with an FASD may be born small and underweight. Somehave difficulty nursing or eating and their growth continues to lag, resulting in failure to thrive. Some infants with an FASD may also have tremors, seizures, excessive irritability, and sleep problems. Physical effects of FASD may include heart defects, such as a hole in the wall of the heart that separates its chambers. Other effects are skeletal defects, such as fused bones in the arms, fingers, hands, and toes. People with an FASD may also have vision and hearing problems, kidney and liver defects, and dental abnormalities. Alcohol can damage the developing fetus from the earliest weeks through the end of the pregnancy. Other factors associated with women who drink during pregnancy are poor nutrition and lack of prenatal care. These factors may also affect organ and skeletal development.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Getting rid of guilt
The National Fatherhood Initiative has a great little article called "5 Ways to Get Rid of Guilt".
As the parent of a pregnant daughter who is not married, it's a safe bet that you sometimes feel guilt. You may feel guilty because you think you weren't hard enough on your daughter, or maybe you've been too hard on her since you found out she is pregnant. Or maybe you feel guilty because you think you have failed as a parent.
You are not alone in your struggle with guilty feelings. God uses guilty feelings to point out to us that we have made bad choices. But once you confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and determine to not make that mistake again, any remaining guilty feelings need to be scrubbed out.
When dealing with guilt about your pregnant daughter, first ask God to forgive you for your failings. Then consider these points from the NFI:
1) Admit to your kids that you are not perfect. (They know it anyway.) But say it out loud to them and say you are sorry. Ask your kids to forgive you.
2) Don't compare yourself to other parents that you think are doing better than you. Focus instead on following God right now, and being the kind of parent your children need you to be. Be realistic... you can't accomplish everything, you can't be perfect. Be involved with your kids, be responsible, and be committed to them. Let the other things go.
3) Look forward. If you've confessed your mistakes and asked for forgiveness, then stop beating yourself up, stop dwelling on the mistake. Don't focus on the past. Instead, focus on who you want to become and how you would like your family to be in the future.
As the parent of a pregnant daughter who is not married, it's a safe bet that you sometimes feel guilt. You may feel guilty because you think you weren't hard enough on your daughter, or maybe you've been too hard on her since you found out she is pregnant. Or maybe you feel guilty because you think you have failed as a parent.
You are not alone in your struggle with guilty feelings. God uses guilty feelings to point out to us that we have made bad choices. But once you confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, and determine to not make that mistake again, any remaining guilty feelings need to be scrubbed out.
When dealing with guilt about your pregnant daughter, first ask God to forgive you for your failings. Then consider these points from the NFI:
1) Admit to your kids that you are not perfect. (They know it anyway.) But say it out loud to them and say you are sorry. Ask your kids to forgive you.
2) Don't compare yourself to other parents that you think are doing better than you. Focus instead on following God right now, and being the kind of parent your children need you to be. Be realistic... you can't accomplish everything, you can't be perfect. Be involved with your kids, be responsible, and be committed to them. Let the other things go.
3) Look forward. If you've confessed your mistakes and asked for forgiveness, then stop beating yourself up, stop dwelling on the mistake. Don't focus on the past. Instead, focus on who you want to become and how you would like your family to be in the future.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
High school clinic facilitates abortion
A Seattle, Washington, high school recently made the news because the in-school "health center" sent a 15 year old girl for an abortion during school hours. The teen took a pregnancy test at the school clinic, and at some point was put in a taxi and sent off to have an abortion. The mother of the teen says that the teen was told that if she concealed the abortion from her family that the abortion would be free of charge.
Washington state does not require a parent to give consent for a minor to have an abortion, nor does it require a parent to even be notified. Only a few states require neither parental notification nor parental consent: Connecticut, DC, Hawaii, New Hampshire, New York, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington.
If the high school your children attend has an in-school clinic, find out who runs the clinic... is it run by the school districit or by a separate medical provider? Exactly what services does the clinic provide? Are you able to opt-in to some services for your child, but opt-out of other services? What is the clinic's policy on pregnancy tests, abortion referrals, and other sexuality issues?
Washington state does not require a parent to give consent for a minor to have an abortion, nor does it require a parent to even be notified. Only a few states require neither parental notification nor parental consent: Connecticut, DC, Hawaii, New Hampshire, New York, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington.
If the high school your children attend has an in-school clinic, find out who runs the clinic... is it run by the school districit or by a separate medical provider? Exactly what services does the clinic provide? Are you able to opt-in to some services for your child, but opt-out of other services? What is the clinic's policy on pregnancy tests, abortion referrals, and other sexuality issues?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Return of Multi-Generational Homes
The Pew Research Center recently released its findings about multiple generations living in the same house together.
"As of 2008, a record 49 million Americans, or 16.1% of the total U.S. population, lived in a family household that contained at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of census data."
With a pregnant daughter, you may be a part of this demographic. Will your daughter and your grandchild be living in your house after your daughter gives birth? Or will you be raising your grandchild while your daughter lives elsewhere?
"Of the 49 million Americans living in a multi-generational family household... 6% are in a "skipped" generation household made up of a grandparent and grandchild, but no parent."
This situation, where the grandparents are raising a grandchild while the parent lives elsewhere, occurs about 7% of the time among Caucasians, 4% of the time among Latinos, 13% of the time among Blacks, and 1% of the time among Asians.
While the economy is a factor, another reason that multiple generations are living together includes the trend of young people getting married at an older age than previously.
"The typical man now marries for the first time at age 28 and the typical women at age 26. For both genders, this is about five years older than it was in 1970."
We've discussed housing issues several times in this blog. Click on the "Housing" topic link below for more entries about housing. We list discussion topics about housing in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
"As of 2008, a record 49 million Americans, or 16.1% of the total U.S. population, lived in a family household that contained at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of census data."
With a pregnant daughter, you may be a part of this demographic. Will your daughter and your grandchild be living in your house after your daughter gives birth? Or will you be raising your grandchild while your daughter lives elsewhere?
"Of the 49 million Americans living in a multi-generational family household... 6% are in a "skipped" generation household made up of a grandparent and grandchild, but no parent."
This situation, where the grandparents are raising a grandchild while the parent lives elsewhere, occurs about 7% of the time among Caucasians, 4% of the time among Latinos, 13% of the time among Blacks, and 1% of the time among Asians.
While the economy is a factor, another reason that multiple generations are living together includes the trend of young people getting married at an older age than previously.
"The typical man now marries for the first time at age 28 and the typical women at age 26. For both genders, this is about five years older than it was in 1970."
We've discussed housing issues several times in this blog. Click on the "Housing" topic link below for more entries about housing. We list discussion topics about housing in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Discuss dating
The National Fatherhood Initiative has tips on talking to your sons and daughters about dating.
Talk to your teens about these items:
1) Set your expectations about behavior. Explain why you want to meet their date and ask them questions: that you understand and trust your children but that it is your job as a parent to protect them. So let your teens know you will want to talk to the people they date.
2) Follow through and ask those questions! Get to know the person that is taking out your child. How are they doing in school? What are their favorite and least favorite subjects? What are their goals following school? Are they currently working? Where? What are their beliefs? Do they attend religious services? Where? What do they like about them? What do their parents do for a living?
3) Tell your child and their date that you expect clear boundaries and be specific about what is off-limits. For example, explain your expected limits on kissing and touching; on being alone; on alcohol and drugs; appropriate places to go and activities; and on communcation (how often are they allowed to see each other? talk on the phone? text? etc)
4) Make sure your kids know they can always talk to you about dating. Listen when they talk, by not jumping to conclusions or immediately trying to solve the situation.
Talk to your teens about these items:
1) Set your expectations about behavior. Explain why you want to meet their date and ask them questions: that you understand and trust your children but that it is your job as a parent to protect them. So let your teens know you will want to talk to the people they date.
2) Follow through and ask those questions! Get to know the person that is taking out your child. How are they doing in school? What are their favorite and least favorite subjects? What are their goals following school? Are they currently working? Where? What are their beliefs? Do they attend religious services? Where? What do they like about them? What do their parents do for a living?
3) Tell your child and their date that you expect clear boundaries and be specific about what is off-limits. For example, explain your expected limits on kissing and touching; on being alone; on alcohol and drugs; appropriate places to go and activities; and on communcation (how often are they allowed to see each other? talk on the phone? text? etc)
4) Make sure your kids know they can always talk to you about dating. Listen when they talk, by not jumping to conclusions or immediately trying to solve the situation.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Application for permission to date my daughter
This is meant to be funny, but it makes a good point.
Application for permission to date my daughter
1. Name :__________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________
City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :______________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________
How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________
If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )
I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.
Signature (that means your name)________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
The point of this joke is this: how well do you know the boys that your teen daughter is dating? For that matter, how well does SHE know them? What basic requirements would you like to insist upon for someone to date your daughter? What qualities are on her list of requirements for a dating partner? Talk to your children about this joke dating application. What is their reaction to it?
Application for permission to date my daughter
1. Name :__________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________
City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :______________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________
How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________
If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )
I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.
Signature (that means your name)________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
The point of this joke is this: how well do you know the boys that your teen daughter is dating? For that matter, how well does SHE know them? What basic requirements would you like to insist upon for someone to date your daughter? What qualities are on her list of requirements for a dating partner? Talk to your children about this joke dating application. What is their reaction to it?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Stress busters
It is obvious that any family that has a pregnant teenager or pregnant college student will feel stress. The National Fatherhood Initiative offers their top ten tips for dealing with stress:
1) Exercise. Do some double duty and do exercise together as a family - take a walk, ride bikes, throw a ball or a frisbee, etc.
2) Eat right. Your pregnant daughter needs healthy food for herself and her baby, but the rest of you need healthy food too. Stop buying the junk food. If it isn't in the house, you won't eat it!
3) Get some sleep. Adults need a minimum of 6 hours of sleep every day. Eight is better. Go to bed at the same time every night in order to train your body.
4) List priorities. "Think about all the “shoulds,” “woulds", “coulds,” and “musts” in your life. Figure out which are worth keeping and which to get rid of and focus on what you feel is most important – don’t try to do it all."
5) Laugh. Having a pregnant daughter who isn't married isn't a laughing matter. So you'll have to be deliberate to find something to laugh at. Maybe the comics in the newspaper? Maybe a comedy show?
6) Vent your feelings. But find a safe time and place to do so. No need to hurt others simply by venting. Write in a journal. Talk to a counselor or religious leader. Get coffee and talk. Take a walk and talk. Share your feelings. Then talk about the problems and invent solutions.
7) Leave work at work. We often train ourselves to keep our home problems internal while we are at work. Try the same with work problems... leave them at work so they don't interfere with your family life.
8) Spend time with friends. This doesn't have to be hours and hours... just a quick coffee together. Or a walk. But don't isolate yourself from your support network. You may feel embarassed that your daughter is pregnant and not married. You may worry about what your friends will say (and it's true that they likely will say *something*), but you need friendships. Figure out which of your friends are trustworthy, and which are just gossips.
9) Volunteer/give. Volunteering to help others will help you get the focus off your stresses for a little while. You don't have to spend hours and hours on this. Often something simple but meaningful can be more therapeutic than a huge endeavor. Maybe you can get double benefit out of volunteering in some way. For example, maybe you and your pregnant daughter can babysit a young child for a few hours. This way your daughter can have a small glimpse at the skills she needs if she's going to parent; and it gives you and your daughter the chance to talk about approaches to parenting.
10) Pursue your hobby. An activity that can help you escape and have a bit of fun will help you relax and re-energize. So set aside a small time to do something you love: read a chapter in a fun book; pull weeds from the garden; take a class at the recreation center; etc.
Pick just one of these ideas to get started. Don't add stress by overloading yourself, even with things that are supposed to be stress relieving.
1) Exercise. Do some double duty and do exercise together as a family - take a walk, ride bikes, throw a ball or a frisbee, etc.
2) Eat right. Your pregnant daughter needs healthy food for herself and her baby, but the rest of you need healthy food too. Stop buying the junk food. If it isn't in the house, you won't eat it!
3) Get some sleep. Adults need a minimum of 6 hours of sleep every day. Eight is better. Go to bed at the same time every night in order to train your body.
4) List priorities. "Think about all the “shoulds,” “woulds", “coulds,” and “musts” in your life. Figure out which are worth keeping and which to get rid of and focus on what you feel is most important – don’t try to do it all."
5) Laugh. Having a pregnant daughter who isn't married isn't a laughing matter. So you'll have to be deliberate to find something to laugh at. Maybe the comics in the newspaper? Maybe a comedy show?
6) Vent your feelings. But find a safe time and place to do so. No need to hurt others simply by venting. Write in a journal. Talk to a counselor or religious leader. Get coffee and talk. Take a walk and talk. Share your feelings. Then talk about the problems and invent solutions.
7) Leave work at work. We often train ourselves to keep our home problems internal while we are at work. Try the same with work problems... leave them at work so they don't interfere with your family life.
8) Spend time with friends. This doesn't have to be hours and hours... just a quick coffee together. Or a walk. But don't isolate yourself from your support network. You may feel embarassed that your daughter is pregnant and not married. You may worry about what your friends will say (and it's true that they likely will say *something*), but you need friendships. Figure out which of your friends are trustworthy, and which are just gossips.
9) Volunteer/give. Volunteering to help others will help you get the focus off your stresses for a little while. You don't have to spend hours and hours on this. Often something simple but meaningful can be more therapeutic than a huge endeavor. Maybe you can get double benefit out of volunteering in some way. For example, maybe you and your pregnant daughter can babysit a young child for a few hours. This way your daughter can have a small glimpse at the skills she needs if she's going to parent; and it gives you and your daughter the chance to talk about approaches to parenting.
10) Pursue your hobby. An activity that can help you escape and have a bit of fun will help you relax and re-energize. So set aside a small time to do something you love: read a chapter in a fun book; pull weeds from the garden; take a class at the recreation center; etc.
Pick just one of these ideas to get started. Don't add stress by overloading yourself, even with things that are supposed to be stress relieving.
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