Would counseling help?

You and your family are in a stressful situation when your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage! You might want to seek counsel if you are feeling anxious, or if you need help making the multitude of decisions you face, or if you are working through the grief cycle, or if your relationships are being strained by the stress of your daughter's pregnancy. You could seek counsel from a religious leader, a peer counselor, a professional counselor, or trained mentors at a pregnancy resource center.

Would counseling benefit your daughter, your family, and you? You don't need to wait until you've hit bottom before you seek counseling, and you don't need to delve into the past if you don't want to... just have a conversation about what you're experiencing right now during your daughter's pregnancy.

The above tips were adapted from "A Conversation with a Counselor" by John Van Regenmorter, in the March/April 2009 "Stepping Stones" newsletter by Bethany Christian Services.

Uprooting Bitterness

An article in the September/October 1996 issue of Virtue Magazine was titled "Uprooting Bitterness". The article is by Nancy Carmichael, and it has some wonderful tidbits that are relevant to the Christian parents of a pregnant single.

"[Bitterness] comes from justice denied, a hope dashed, an expectation unmet, a belief that I deserved better than what I received, anger grown cold and unresolved - maybe from an offense at the hands of someone I love."

Do you feel this way regarding your daughter's pregnancy outside of marriage?
What hopes of yours were dashed when you discovered her pregnancy?
What expectations of your daughter were not met by this change in her life?
How about your spouse...what hopes and expectations were changed?
How about your pregnant daughter...what hopes of hers were dashed by this child's creation? What expectations of her own were changed?

"It's nasty stuff that easily takes root. It prods me to stew: 'He should have known better.' 'She needs to make restitution for this.' Or 'God could have prevented this from happening. And He didn't.' "

What thoughts have been stewing in your mind and heart regarding your daughter? Or the baby's father? Or God?

"It lures me to flog myself mentally for past mistakes, or the unrighteous people in our nation, thinking in some twisted way I'm doing God a favor by being mad at sinners."

Do you identify with this?

"How do I let go of offenses, the deeply rooted things that slowly but surely sap life from me?"

Ms Carmichael quotes Walter Brueggemann from "Finally Comes The Poet" when he says, "Keeping kills. Relinquishing heals... Return to the command, to the God who rests and gives rest, who sets free and satisfies. We do not yield easily. But if we do not yield, we shall die." The article also quotes an anonymous source that says, "Forgiveness is celestial amnesia; that is, letting go of all the memories of the past except the love we have given and received."

Will you take the effort to yield to the God who gives rest? Will you let Him set you free and satisfy you? Will you let Him help you focus on the love for your daughter and her child?

My Clock Was Already Ticking

Margaret Gunther wrote an interesting essay/testimony in the New York Times recently, titled "My Clock Was Already Ticking." Here are a few especially powerful quotes from her true story.

When she discovered she was pregnant at 34, she told her boyfriend. He told her to get an abortion.

"From the moment I told him I was pregnant, it became my “problem,” as in “What are you going to do about the problem?”"

"The truth, which came out after I’d expressed my desire to keep the baby, was more simply stated: “If you go through with this,” he said, “I want nothing to do with it.”"

She did it, even though she didn't want to, in order to save the relationship. "But I still wanted something to do with him, and I thought if I were to deal with “the problem” the way he wanted me to, we could go back to the way we were. "

Instead, he immediately gave her a clock as a gift and broke up with her.

She says, "It isn’t very often that you’re called upon to make a decision that you know will affect the rest of your life, a decision that is irrevocable and defining. I chose to end the pregnancy for what I thought were good reasons, chief among them being my boyfriend’s emphatic unwillingness to be a father. Although his initial reaction to the news was muted, he came out strongly against it once I announced my desire to keep the baby."

She continues, "I argued weakly with him that we could make it work. Without him, I didn’t see a way forward. I had no savings, and no family around to support or encourage me. I was terrified, and not just about being a single parent. I was afraid that with a baby I’d be off the market for good. And I wanted a husband as much as I wanted a baby, if not more. Maybe I knew instinctively that I wasn’t cut out for single parenthood. And I wanted what I wanted: husband, home, baby, in that order."

"What he didn’t have was an appetite for a family, at least with me. I was desperate and deluded enough to think I could change his mind."

"The payoff I’d hoped for, that we’d stay together and the [abortion] wound would be healed by his love and devotion, never came. I raged and wept and raged and wept for my stupidity, my failure, the betrayal of myself."

Later, she moved out of Los Angeles and married another man, who wanted to start a family right away. "The family did not come right away. In fact, the pregnancy I terminated at 34 turned out to be the last that would occur naturally. And none of the expensively produced pregnancies I managed after lasted longer than three weeks."

Margaret is one of the approximately 5% of women who will only conceive ONE child on their own in their entire life. If that ONE child is aborted...then how must she feel! "The children I did not bring into this world are ghosts, and they are symptoms. I’ve learned to live with them the way you do with the phantom pain of missing limbs."

Marriage Readiness

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a program called "Why Knot?" which is a marriage-readiness program for men. They offer a sample session on their website. Why not print it out and go over it with both your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Modify the questions for gender pronouns as necessary. The worksheets for the session are also printable.

The sample session asks "How ready do you think you are to be married today?" and gives a scale of 0 (not ready at all) to 10 (completely ready). Print out this page and give a copy to your pregnant daughter and to the baby's father. Have them fill it out seperately and then talk about how their answers are similar and different. Part of this page is answering the question "What's keeping you from reaching a 10?". The choices they can check are questions like:

• I'm not in a serious relationship.
• I don't have the money I need to get married. (Ask how much money they think they would need, and what the money is to be used for)
• I need to get a job or a better job. (Ask how much money they feel they need to make at their job, or what benefits they are looking for from the job)
• I need to finish school or some career training. (Talk about whether being married would be an encouragement and support during this training)
• I'd like to own a house before I get married. (Ask them to project how long it may take to reach this goal)
• I don't want to be tied down. I want to enjoy the single life. (Ask what they mean by this... do they just want free sex without responsibility?)
• I like to date more than one person at a time.
• I can't see myself having sex with the same person for the rest of my life.
• I can get sex without marriage.
• I'm happy (or would be happy) just living with my girlfriend/boyfriend.
• I have some fears about marriage. (Ask if they can express those fears)
• I think marriage will require too many changes. (Ask what changes they think may be requested)
• I'm not sure I'd make a good husband/wife.
• My parents were not married, or they divorced. I want to avoid divorce. (Ask what made the divorce difficult for them)
• I want to avoid the money problems that can result from a divorce. (Ask if they think these same money problems might occur if they are not married but the relationship ends)
• I don't want to have children. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about raising their child)
• I want to have children, but I want to wait until I'm older. (Since they already have a child by virtue of your daughter being pregnant, ask what things they fear about being a parent at their current age)
• I haven't met the right woman/man.
• Other:

Another worksheet in this PDF is "My Marriage Model" and reminds us that we "may be affected by the attitudes of friends, co-workers, family members, the media, previous dating partners or even your own parents. How can you separate out what you really think?" There is a little chart that ask them to rate a few factors as either a positive influence on their attitude about marriage, a neutral influence, or a negative influence. The factors are:

1) Does the media you view, read, or listen to provide a good or bad view of marriage?

2) Did you parents have a good or bad view of marriage?

3) Do you friends or co-workers have a good or bad view of marriage?

4) Have your previous girlfriends/boyfriends had a good or bad view of marriage?

5) Do you have a good or bad view of marriage?

The next worksheet of the PDF asks them to identify their fears about marriage and think about how those fears can be handled.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success" and "The importance of a father" in our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Exercise can be very beneficial

Make sure your daughter is getting appropriate exercise during her pregnancy. Her doctor will be able to give her feedback on the type of exercise that she may participate in, and for what duration and intensity.

Exercise that is appropriate will benefit both your daughter and her child, both during and after pregnancy.

The American College of Sports Medicine published a report ("ACSM Roundtable Consensus Statement: Impact of Physical Activity during Pregnancy and Postpartum on Chronic Disease Risk") which reviewed the research about pregnancy and exercise in 2006 and offered a summary of the benefits of exercise during pregnancy and after childbirth:

- Exercise Reduces Risk of Preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is a condition marked by high blood pressure, proteinuria (protein in urine) and edema in the mother, which makes her more likely to experience metabolic disturbances during this time similar to those with coronary heart disease and chronic hypertension. One study indicated women who were physically active on a regular basis experienced a 43% risk reduction of preeclampsia as compared to sedentary women. Also, risk appears to decrease as average time spent performing physical activities increased. A reduction in risk has been related to moderate activities most pregnant women can do, such as walking or climbing stairs.

- Exercise Treats or Prevents Gestational Diabetes. Gestational diabetes is a form of diabetes during pregnancy related to a shift in hormones causing insulin resistance and high blood glucose. Physical inactivity and obesity are risk factors. Exercise is considered an adjunctive therapy for this condition. For some women, exercise alone may be sufficient to control glucose levels due to increased insulin sensitivity. The panel noted guidelines for frequency, intensity, duration and type of exercise that will produce optimal outcomes for women at risk or with gestational diabetes are unknown with existing data, and more research is needed.

- Exercise Helps Manage or Alleviate Pregnancy-Related Musculoskeletal Issues. While virtually all women experience some musculoskeletal discomfort during pregnancy, exercise and previous physical fitness can help manage low back pain, pregnancy-related urinary incontinence, abdominal muscle disturbances, and joint and muscle injuries.

- Exercise Links Breastfeeding and Postpartum Weight Loss. Studies performed on breastfeeding women who exercise indicate benefits through improved aerobic fitness, plasma lipids and insulin response. It is the consensus of the panel that weight loss can occur through moderate exercise and calorie restriction without negatively affecting breast milk production and infant growth.

- Exercise Positively Impacts Mood and Mental Health. Most women experience negative mood symptoms during pregnancy and the postpartum period. Exercise has been shown to improve mood, increase vigor, reduce fatigue, stress and anxiety, decrease symptoms of negative mood and depression, and improve self-concept.

- Exercise affects Offspring Health and Development. Evaluation of the many types of exercise and physical activities performed by pregnant women indicate no increased risk of abnormal outcomes to the baby based on their activity. The panel advises that beginning or continuing recreational weight-bearing exercises during pregnancy has both short- and long-term positive effects on offspring growth and development.

So find out what kind of exercise your pregnant daughter can do, and then exercise with her!

Insurance

Does your pregnant daughter not have health insurance?

FoxBusiness.com recently ran an article titled "Women Without Employer Health Plans Pay a Big Price For Pregnancy".

The article says that "One common way insurers handle maternity coverage is to charge a rider on top of the regular monthly premium. The study found riders that ranged from $106 to $1,100 per month, required waiting periods of one to two years with either no or limited coverage during that period and capped total maximum benefits as low as $2,000 to $6,000.
Given that the average cost in 2006 of a hospital-based uncomplicated delivery was $7,488 -- although considerably higher for C-sections and more complicated births -- many women would end up spending less on maternity care if they paid all costs out of pocket instead of buying a rider."

Still want to buy insurance? When shopping for insurance for your pregnant daughter, the article recommends you ask these questions:

1. Is there a maximum out-of-pocket limit for maternity coverage?
2. Is there a waiting period for coverage to kick in?
3. What are cost differences between in-network or out-of-network services?
4. Is my favorite provider (obstetrician or hospital) in-network?
5. Is there a deductible or co-pay for prenatal, delivery and postpartum services?
6. Does the policy pay for a home birth or birth center delivery?

What can you do instead of buying maternity coverage? Do not skip doctors appointments just because you don't have insurance... getting care as early as possible can help make sure that any problems are found before they get out of control.

Apply for medicaid even if you think you're not elligible... let them make the decision.

Talk to your doctor's office and the hospital (in advance of giving birth) to see if you can negotiate a discount or payment plan.

There are a few discount programs (not insurance) that you can explore.

Take the effort to have the healthiest pregnancy possible: research how to eat right, get appropriate exercise, get lots of sleep, and find out what prenatal vitamin is right for you.

Teen Marriage

Pregnancy and teen marriage is in the news again as we hear that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have ended their engagement.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy released a press statement in response. This press statement appears to quote research, but fails to give the sources for the "facts" listed. So they may be true, but there's no way to verify them.

• At the time of their child's birth, more than half of unmarried teen mothers say they are either "certain" or chances are "good" they will marry the biological father of their child. However, 8 out of 10 fathers don't ever marry the teen mother of their child. According to this, 2 out of 10 fathers do indeed marry the teen mother of their child. Since we don't know how many mothers "more than half" is, we still know that not all teen mothers were expecting to marry the father of their baby.
• Despite high expectations for marriage, fewer than 8% of teen mothers marry their baby's father within one year of the birth of their child. It would be interesting to know whether this percentage increases with time. For example, how many teen mothers marry their baby's father within 2 years? or 5 years? What percentage of teen mothers married the baby's father BEFORE the birth of the child?
• Teenagers who have a non-marital birth are also significantly less likely to be married by the age of 35 than those who do not have babies as teens. Wow, we have to go a long way out to get to age 35. How many teens with a non-marital birth are married by the age of 25? or 30?
• It is also the case that most single mothers of all ages who have a child as a result of an unplanned pregnancy remain single and most cohabiting mothers either continue cohabiting or break up with their partner. How many is "most"?? Is that 51%? 99%? Somewhere in between? This type of statistic is practically useless.

Should marriage be encouraged for all teen mothers? Absolutely not. If the father of the baby is not a good person, they should absolutely not get married. If the father of the baby would have made a good husband when there was no pregnancy, then the couple should indeed carefully consider getting married.

Are teen marriages guaranteed to fail? Absolutely not! We wrote about this topic before, but here's some of that material again.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics released a report in December 2005 which was called "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth."

This statistical report from the government says that for people who marry under the age of 18, that 93% of those marriages are still intact one year later, that 76% are still going 3 years later, that 65% are still working 5 years later, and that 52% are still married after 10 years!

For teens aged 18-19 who get married, 90% are still married a year later, 80% are still married 3 years later, 72% are still married 5 years later, and 61% are still married after 10 years!

So teen marriages are by no means guaranteed to fail.

Even if a teen marriage ends in divorce, "marrying before the birth of a child may lead to greater paternal support, even if the marriage doesn't last. If couples marry, the male partner is likely to be a resident parent and have greater access to the child. Even if the couple eventually divorces, this early contact may lead to greater levels of financial support from the father." (Naomi Seiler, "Is Teen Marriage A Solution?" April 2002. Center for Law and Social Policy.)

ANY marriage, at ANY age needs the same thing: the physical, emotional, and spiritual support of their families. ANY person who marries at ANY age needs to be a responsible, safe partner. This applies to the woman and the man equally. The BOTH must be responsible and safe people.

Find a counselor or church that offers pre-marital evaluation and counseling. Have your pregnant daughter and the baby's father take the personality and compatibility exams that are available. If they have scores that suggest that there is a possibility of a good relationship, then do futher counseling and exploring of the topic of marriage. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" from our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Talk about it: Money

The news about the financial state of America can seem frightening. A recent email from the National Fatherhood Initiative was titled "You, Your Kids, and the Downturn." Here are the main points. Your kids may be wondering about the financial situation of your family. Ask your kids what they think about the news they hear, and what impact they've seen among their friends.

Tell your kids often that, no matter what the world is like, you love them and care for them and will do everything in your power to provide for them.

Talk to your kids honestly about your family's situtation. You don't have to share too many details unless you want to. Give age-appropriate overviews. Every age child should understand the purpose of a budget. Help your kids create their own budget for their money, and show them your budget. Help your kids see that money has to be earned before it can be spent. Help your kids who are old enough to work to find a safe part-time or summer job that can earn them the spending money they desire (instead of using your money).

Your pregnant daughter especially needs to create a budget for her expenses after her baby is born. How will she pay for baby clothing, food, diapers, doctor's visits, prescriptions, transportation, etc. in addition to her own expenses like her cell phone, gas money, car insurance, etc. How will she pay for babysitting while she is at work or school?

Have your pregnant daughter go to the store, not to buy but to write down the prices of the items her baby will need for one month. Add up all the costs, and compare them to the income she will have. What amount, if any, will you contribute to the care of her baby? What amount, if any, will the baby's father contribute? How much difference is there between the amount of income and the expected expenses? If the baby's father will not be helping with the baby and you are not able or willing to help with the baby, your daughter should investigate whether adoption would provide her baby with a better life situation.