Which sin is worse?

As a parent, you've probably assigned different consequences to your children when they do something wrong. For example, when your child was younger you may have assigned a "time out" for one kind of offense and a removal of privleges for a more serious offense. As your child has grown up, you may have taken away the car keys for one type of offense, etc.

We tend to think that a more "serious" error requires a more serious consequence. And this is certainly true in some senses. In a court of law, we don't want to sentence a murderer to only 30 days in jail and we don't want to sentence a spelling test cheater to a death sentence. In God's Law (as written in the Old Testament) there were also different consequences for different sins, and different sacrifices to atone for those sins.

But in the big picture, all sins regardless of "seriousness" separate us from our Holy God who cannot tolerate any level of unholiness at all. To be reconciled to God, Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins. As Christians, we can receive forgivness of our sins and yet God does not also remove the Earthly consequences of our actions. If we lie, we can receive forgiveness from God but usually still have to set the situation right and receive our consequences. So while consequences vary, we need to remember that all sin is equal in God's eyes. The ground is level at the foot of the Cross -- we are all equally sinful and separated from God. So if your daughter sinned sexually, that sin is the same in God's eyes as any time that your daughter has gossiped.

Every one of us is a sinner, and God does not accept our behaviors even while He loves us and is constantly calling us to be more like Him. Both you and your daughter may have trouble mentally separating her behaviors from who she is as a person. So in your discussions, focus on reaffirming her (not her behavior) and telling her you love her (not her behavior). Talk to your daughter about repentence and pray with her about forgiveness. Then practice that forgiveness in your relationship.

Finding Support for Your Family

You probably feel pretty isolated when trying to cope with the news of your single daughter's pregnancy. The statistics show that you are not alone, but it is also the case that you and your family need special support during this challenge! You should not try to deal with this situation entirely on your own even though you may fear "airing the family's dirty laundry". It may be embarassing to admit you need help, but pregnancy outside of marriage is a crisis: there are changes to life no matter what course is chosen, and those changes will require new coping strategies.

Sit down and think about who your support circle is. List family, fellow church members, and friends who are trustworthy and wise. God created family to support each other. Likewise, God urges us to be active in a local church for spiritual, emotional and physical support. The body of Christ is called to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. And yet we are still fallen humans, so choose your initial support group with prayer and thought. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom about who to talk to and where to find help.

Find a local ministry that understands the issues and decisions involved in pregnancy. Call OptionLine (800-395-HELP, open 24/7) to see if there is a pregnancy resource center near you, or to talk to a phone counselor. OptionLine can also be reached via email and instant messenger, and can talk to both you and your daughter. You may also be able to find counseling help for your other children as they deal with your daughter's pregnancy.

Take the time to educate yourself and your family about the issues and decisions involved in your daughter's pregnancy. Obviously we recommend our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single", and there are other books and resources out there too. It is important to understand that there is rarely a single cause that led your daughter into sexual activity outside marriage, which led to her pregnancy. So don't place all the 'blame' on any particular person or thing. Talk to your daughter to brainstorm all the actions and decisions that contributed to her situation.

Find other parents to talk to. You may know another family at church who has had a pregnant daughter in the past. Call them and ask to meet for coffee to hear their experiences. You will likely find it very comforting to hear the story of other parents who have gone through similar struggles as you are now facing. Again, don't allow this challenge to isolate you from help when you need it most. Pray for God to bring you wise and trustworthy counsel, and ask God to give you wisdom. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

What did I do wrong?

If those tapes in your head are telling you that you're a bad parent, a failure, please know that you're not the only one who feels that way. Many Christian parents start to wonder what they did wrong in raising their Christian daughter that she would be sexually active and pregnant outside of marriage. Introspection can be healthy and it can also be unhealthy.

Healthy introspection can help you identify parenting choices that didn't turn out like you intended, so that you can take steps to make better parenting choices as you move forward.

Unhealthy introspection gets you stuck in the past, unable to move forward, focusing only on regrets and on blaming yourself and/or your spouse. You are not alone in these feelings, but remind yourself constantly that no parent is perfect just as no child is perfect. Your children make mistakes, just as you have made mistakes. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." (NLT) Every human on the planet today makes mistakes.

As you pray, ask the Lord to show you if there is anything you've done for which you need to ask your child for forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit search you and lead you to any revelations, rather than you micro-examining your memories. Use Psalm 139:23-24 in your prayer, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (NIV) God promises that when you seek Him, you will find Him. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (ASV) As God reveals shortcomings to you, confess them and embrace His forgivness, for 1 John 1:9 promises, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." (NLT)

When parents are dwelling on their pain, they often accuse each other of contributing to the problem. Actively work on talking to each other without accusations. In addition, don't give your spouse the 'silent treatment'...this is a time where you both need to share your thoughts and feelings and find support in each other. This is a time for your marriage to come together, not to push each other away. Pray outloud with each other. Share your journal entries. Read chapters from "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outloud together and discuss them. Work on these exercises from Marriage Enrichment, called "Knee to Knee - Dealing with Grief". Your daughter's pregnancy is a crisis that triggers a grief cycle for all involved, and normal grief feels abnormal. So take the time to talk. Don't try to cope with this alone.

Taking Time to Think

When you first discover that your single daughter is pregnant, you're probably overwhelmed with anger, pain, and disappointment. There may come a time in the future for tough love, but this is not it. You need to make the decisions surrounding tough love when you are calm and have had time to consider all the options, possibilities and consequences. Right now a formal confrontation of your daughter and the father of your grandchild will probably be simply an expression of your anger and pain, both of which may close the doors to further communication.

It is absolutely acceptable to tell your daughter that you need time to collect your thoughts and to sort through your feelings. In the same way that your daughter probably took time to figure out how and when to tell you that she was pregnant, ask her to give you time to figure out how to respond so that you are not simply reacting out of the emotion of the moment. However, focus on reaffirming your love now and in future conversations to help keep the lines of communication open. Your daughter will be more willing to hear your thoughts and feelings when she sees that you are not punishing her by withdrawing your love, that you are not passing judgment on her by withholding your love.

Share with us: How did your single daughter tell you she was pregnant? Is there anything you wish she had said or done differently in tell you this news?

Who is this person?

Your daughter is the same person you loved before you discovered she was pregnant. You may have learned some new facts about her that you had not know (such as the fact that she has been sexually active), but she is not suddenly a complete stranger. Focus on offering grace and acceptance to your daughter because she is a human of inestimable worth made in the image of God and because she is your daughter. You are not saying that you accept her behavior, simply that you accept her. Again, you can love the person and hate the sin. Focus on listening and reaffirming to your daughter that you love her and you love her child, your grandchild. This may be extremely difficult to do, so pray that the Lord will give you His love and strength to extend to her.

What did you say?

Parents are often not prepared to hear their single daughter announce her pregnancy. Hearing "Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant" can feel painful and make you feel confused about how to respond. On one hand you love your daughter and your grandchild, and on the other hand are many questions, emotions, worries, and fears for them both and the rest of your family. You may feel bewildered and overwhelmed, unsure of how to process your feelings and unsure of how to respond to your daughter.

Keep your perspective. It may be difficult, but remain as calm as possible. Remind yourself that God has a plan for each person including you, your daughter, and your grandchild, and that nothing catches Him by surprise. Focus on responding, not reacting.

Focus on listening. As painful as it was for you to hear this news, it was probably just as painful for your daughter to deliver the news. She has probably been agonizing over this moment, fearful of your reaction. Focus on listening, on staying present in the moment, and hearing her story. Try not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions while she tells her story. Let her open her heart to you. Try not to take control of the conversation or your daughter, but give her time to share.

Communicate your feelings. Take the time to collect your thoughts before you speak. Your daughter needs to hear about your feelings, and you need to try to share them in a way that is not intentionally hurtful or inflamatory. Share your feelings as calmly as possible. Avoid making accusations. Avoid condemnation and rejection (which is what your daughter is likely expecting and fearing from you). Your daughter probably already knows about your beliefs or what the Bible says about sex and pregnancy outside of marriage. Quoting Scripture which specifically address her behavior generally is not constructive at this time. Shouting an angry lecture about morals will likely only build a defensive wall between you. Try to focus on compassion for her situation. You can hate your daughter's sin without hating your daughter and your grandchild.

For more information about how to handle the news of your single daughter's pregnancy, see chapters 1 and 2 ("Hearing the Shocking News" and "The Importance of First Words") in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single".

Why Do Teens Get Pregnant?

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinal ran an editorial recently (3/5/2008) as part of their political coverage, titled "A Teen Mom's Advice: Its OK if you wait", where they tell the story of Tiera Smith. Tiera recently turned 18 and has a 6-month old son, Kamran. According to the article, Milwaukee ranks 7th in the nation in terms of births to teens.

Tiera talks about the realities of motherhood at any age: sleep deprivation, change in lifestyle (how often you go out and where), and financial concerns. These ring true across all age groups and marriage situations and are not unique to teen pregnancy. The reporter asked Tiera why she thinks teens get pregnant.

She validated some of the comments given earlier by a group of girls in the program about why girls, generally, get pregnant too early. It's too much the norm in some quarters, she said. "Sex is the popularity; it's the hobby," Smith said. "They've made it kind of a style. They don't think about the consequences." Smith, born to a teen mom, puts herself in that last category of not thinking about the consequences. She knows about contraception and said she knows how to get it. But she had unprotected sex. "I knew if I had unprotected sex, I knew I was going to get pregnant." She did, and she did. "I wouldn't have gotten pregnant if I wasn't so immature about it." It was a matter of "lust that we thought was love."

I think there are a couple of mature insights here. First, many people of any age group (not just teens) think of sex as recreation and do not connect sex with pregnancy or any other consequence like STDs. Sex is indeed seen as a hobby today. A pastime, just like watching TV or playing video games. There are lots of reasons that teens and college students get pregnant, and some are listed in Chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single". Brainstorm with your daughter all the factors (physical, emotional, and spiritual) that contributed to her sexual activity and pregnancy outside marriage. What changes can your daughter make in her future dating plans so that sex is saved for marriage? Leave us a comment with any tips you'd like to share with other parents.

Second, Tiera wisely understands in retrospect what many people have trouble with: lust is not love. Talk with your daughter about lust vs love. Ann Landers once wrote an interesting article about love vs infatuation. A modified verson of that article is found here. If your daughter is repentant of her sexual activity outside marriage, talk with her about restoring sexual integrity (see chapter 8 of "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"). Many non-marriage relationships do not stay together after the birth of a child...if that is the case with your daughter, is she in need of counseling to help deal with the abandonment, betrayal and rejection she may be feeling?
In the article, Tiera says she is trying to finish high school via a program that lets her attend at later hours and only four days a week, to accomodate child care arrangements. What can your school do to help your student finish their program? Share the experiences you've had with your daughter's college or school by leaving a comment.

Read other posts about "why teens get pregnant" by clicking on the "Why" tag below.