"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.
To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.
Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sexual purity, step 2
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?
Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?
All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?
Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?
All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sexual purity, step 1
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.
1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?
Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."
She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.
Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.
1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?
Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."
She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.
Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Friday, January 29, 2010
Building character early in life
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 32, Farrar repeats an anonymous quotation that "the formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a sceptor more potent than that of kings or priests."
She goes on to say, "Mothers also have a remarkable unseen power over marriages-to-come (that is, who their sons will choose to marry and not marry, and how they will relate to their future wives). ... Mothers contribute uniquely to the process of preparing their sons to become great dads."
Basically, the first years of a child's life are very important for building their character.
Discuss with your pregnant daughter:
What character traits does she wish her child to have?
What is her plan for teaching that character to her child?
Will she be the primary caretaker of her child during these important early years, or will the child be taught by someone else such as a paid daycare worker or another family member?
If she won't be the primary caretaker, what is her plan for how she will teach character during the time she has available?
If your daughter is making an adoption plan, what character traits would she like the parents of her child to have so that they are more likely to raise her child with the character she desires?
On page 32, Farrar repeats an anonymous quotation that "the formative period for building character for eternity is in the nursery. The mother is queen of that realm and sways a sceptor more potent than that of kings or priests."
She goes on to say, "Mothers also have a remarkable unseen power over marriages-to-come (that is, who their sons will choose to marry and not marry, and how they will relate to their future wives). ... Mothers contribute uniquely to the process of preparing their sons to become great dads."
Basically, the first years of a child's life are very important for building their character.
Discuss with your pregnant daughter:
What character traits does she wish her child to have?
What is her plan for teaching that character to her child?
Will she be the primary caretaker of her child during these important early years, or will the child be taught by someone else such as a paid daycare worker or another family member?
If she won't be the primary caretaker, what is her plan for how she will teach character during the time she has available?
If your daughter is making an adoption plan, what character traits would she like the parents of her child to have so that they are more likely to raise her child with the character she desires?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Teaching manliness to sons
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."
Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?
Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."
Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?
Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."
Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.
Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.
Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?
As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."
Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?
Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."
Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?
Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."
Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.
Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.
Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?
As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
Monday, January 25, 2010
Teen pregnancy, poverty, and unfinished education
The January 2010 policy brief from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is on the topic of the link between teen pregnancy and poverty.
Talk to your kids about these statistics:
1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?
2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?
3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?
4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?
5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?
6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.
You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Talk to your kids about these statistics:
1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?
2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?
3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?
4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?
5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?
6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.
You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
Monday, January 11, 2010
Review: Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti
"Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spahetti" by Chad Eastham with Bill & Pam Farrel
This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.
The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.
Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:
Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:
This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.
The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.
Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:
- The rebel dater who simply wants to show independence and gain freedom.
- "Dating for a daddy"...girls that are looking for love to replace the love they are not getting from their fathers. This may be especially true in single parent families.
- Serial dating... constantly jumping from relationship to relationship because the person feels they can't be alone.
- "Missionary dating" ..."This term describes people who date others with very different religious and social viewpoints from their own with the hope of 'converting' them."
Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:
- 96% of high school relationships will not last. Chad discusses the idea that dating in high school should strive not to involve deep committment and romantic emotions (and also be very limited physically) in order to protect yourself from heartbreak (due to the fact that so few of these relationships last). Talk about Chad's question with your kids: "If I were to tell you that you will date someone but that you probably won't marry that person, then what would you do differently in that relationship?" Most girls say they would be less likely to be sexual with their boyfriend.
- "The younger you start dating and the more often you date people, the higher your odds are of experiencing unhealthy relationship habits, negative feelings, depression, a poor self-image, sexual abuse, rape, less relationship satisfaction, and a higher risk of suicide."
- "The average age difference for married couples in the United States is just over two years. The average difference in age between teen girls who get pregnant and the guys who get them pregnant is 6.2 years."
The back of the book has a study guide that has questions that would be great conversation starters.
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