Bethany Christian Services has the following list of adoption questions to discuss with your pregnant daughter. She may still be exploring her options, or she may have already selected an option. Talk about adoption anyway, so that when parenting is tough you can both say that you thoroughly explored every option and made an informed choice. Play a what-if game: what-if your pregnant daughter were exploring adoption as an option...talk about these topics:
How can adoption be a good choice for my baby and me?
If you're not ready to be a parent, you can still give your baby the gift of life by choosing adoption. Ask your pregnant daughter what qualities, skills, and assets she thinks it takes to be a parent. What parenting skills does she already possess? What parenting skills does she not yet have? Does she have all the parenting qualities she would want to be a good parent? What assets does she have (job, education, saved money, insurance, committed relationship, etc.), and what assets does she currently lack?
Can I choose the family for my baby?
Yes! Most agencies have many adoptive couples who have been studied and approved. You might also want to choose a friend or someone who has been recommended to you. Maybe there's someone in your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who would be a good family for her baby? What qualities and assets would be on her wish-list if she were going to look for an adoptive couple?
How much contact can I have with my baby after the birth and after adoption?
You can spend as much time with your baby at the hospital as you choose. When you are planning your child's adoption, you can choose an open adoption plan that allows ongoing visits, or you can choose a less open adoption that keeps you informed through letters and photos. If you prefer not to have any contact, confidential adoption is also possible. You and your pregnant daughter may have already decided against adoption. But talk about this anyway. Play a what-if game. What-if you were exploring adoption, how much contact would she want with her child?
How soon after birth can my baby go to the parents I choose?
The timing of your child's placement depends on your preference, legal aspects, and the role of the birthfather. Many mothers want their baby placed with the adoptive family directly from the hospital, while other mothers choose interim care while they consider their adoption decision. How soon would your pregnant daughter want her child to be placed with her chosen couple?
How much will my child know about me?
Regardless of the type of adoption plan, you will want to provide a thorough social and medical history for your child. If you develop an adoption plan that includes ongoing contact, your child will know about you directly. Even if your pregnant daughter is not considering adoption, sit down with her and write out her social history and her medical history. If she were to consider adoption, what other things would she like her child to know about her?
Does the expectant father have any rights?
Both you and the expectant father have rights. If you disagree about adoption or you no longer have a relationship with him, your agency will work with him and/or the courts to determine his rights. What is the status of your daughter's relationship with her child's father? If he is still involved with her, what are his thoughts on adoption?
Can my child find me if he or she wants to search someday?
Searching may only be necessary if there has not been ongoing contact. The law in your state determines when and how your child may access the information in the adoption file, which your caseworker can explain.
How can I be sure that my child will be well cared for?
There are standards that every prospective adoptive family must meet which are set by both the agency and the state in which they live. Families are thoroughly assessed before being approved for adoption, and a caseworker will make visits to the adoptive family after placement to ensure your child's well-being.
Do I need an attorney, or do I pay my agency to assist me with the adoption?
In many states, you will not need an attorney, and most agencies provide services to you at no cost. If you do need an attorney, usually those costs are paid by the adoptive family.
Can I get help with medical and living expenses while I'm making an adoption plan?
Assistance with medical and living expenses is available through many agencies. For details about how your agency can help you in your particular circumstances, contact your caseworker.
You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
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