The stories of Zoe, Demi, and Becky

The Guardian, a news outlet in the U.K. recently told the stories of three young teen moms. Zoe got pregnant at 15, Demi got pregnant at 14, and Becky got pregnant at 13. Each of them says that what they miss the most is going out of the house to hang with friends and have fun. Read these stories with your pregnant daughter and brainstorm with her about the life changes that the baby will bring. If she is not willing to cope with these changes, help her explore adoption to see if it would be of benefit to her and the baby.

Depression and Diabetes

A recent article at Forbes.com was titled "Diabetes linked to depression during and after pregnancy". Here are some points from the article.

• "Low-income women with diabetes who are pregnant or recently gave birth face almost twice the risk of depression compared to women without the blood sugar disorder."
• "It didn't matter whether the women developed diabetes before or during pregnancy, or if they were taking insulin or oral medications. The risk of depression was still much stronger for women with diabetes".
• "Women who'd never been depressed before appeared to be at risk, too. 'One in 10 women who had no indication of prior depression received a diagnosis of depression within a year following delivery'".
• "Post-partum depression affects about 10 percent of new mothers, usually between two and six months after birth, according to background information in the study. If left untreated, post-partum depression can affect the mother-child relationship as well as the child's development."
• "Risk factors for post-partum depression include a history of depression, troubled relationships, domestic violence, stressful life events, financial problems, lack of social or emotional support, a difficult pregnancy or delivery, and health problems with the baby."
• "No matter what your income, if you're expecting, you should try to set up a support system before the baby arrives. Try to set up extra help so you're not alone with the baby day after day".

If your pregnant daughter develops gestational diabetes, or had diabetes before her pregnancy, help her learn about postpartum depression and help her develop a plan of how she will get help to cope with a new baby. Ask her doctor to screen her for depression at every visit, both during pregnancy and at checkups after birth.

Saving some money

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a few ideas about saving some money which can be easily adapted for parents with a pregnant daughter.

1) Ask around. There are other families out there that also have a pregnant daughter. Can you connect with them at a local pregnancy resource center? Finding others in your situation can help you by giving you a place to vent, to trade ideas, and get support, but also to explore opportunities to save money by carpooling to doctor's appointments, or to trade clothing, baby items and other resources like babysitting.

2) Buy used. Many items for your daughter and her baby really do not need to be brand new! Clothing, bedding, and furniture are popular items to buy used. Look for cribs, swings, bouncy seats etc. at garage sales, church closet ministries, and thrift stores. Babies outgrow clothing very very quickly, so make it a game to see how little you can pay for used clothes instead of buying new. Again, your local pregnancy resource center may be a huge treasure trove of items and education.

3) Comparison shop. "If there was ever a time to do your research, it's now. Make sure you are buying groceries from the most economical grocery store, and check for sales before you purchase something you need." The cost of diapers can be enormous. Look for coupons and sales. Read reviews of other items, like car seats, and shop around in person and online. Some expensive brands are not clearly superior to cheaper alternatives. Seriously investigate breastfeeding education instead of expensive formula. Help your daughter learn to breastfeed for a minimum of a month before she gives up on it.

Pregnancy and Crack Cocaine

A recent news article titled "Children born to crack addicts have troubles, but they aren't doomed" give some hopeful news. If your pregnant daughter is using crack cocaine during her pregnancy, don't encourage her to abort the baby. Instead, help her quit using the drug and get medical treatment immediately.

This news article says "Are there actually drug effects? Yes," said Barry Lester, a professor of psychiatry at Brown University who directs the large federally funded Maternal Lifestyle Study. "But they're small, not huge. ... These kids are not damaged in the way we first thought."

What challenges does her baby face?

• "A small reduction of IQ; more difficulty in cognitive areas, such as planning and organization; some are harder to control at times; more issues at birth."
• "Cocaine exposure in the womb increases the risk of complications, miscarriages and stillbirths."
• "Their limbs would be stiff. Or they'd have problems keeping formula down. Sometimes it would be Parkinson-like trembling. "But those things tended to resolve within nine months," McMann said."
• "a pool of studies involving more than 4,400 children found no significant effect on IQ or language development. The largest of the studies showed an average four-point reduction in IQ at age 7."

"At Boston University, Deborah Frank agreed: "The differences are so subtle you can mainly only detect them in large groups, during a study. It's not like you can walk into a classroom and say that kid over there was exposed to such and such drug. But you can walk in and say that kid was exposed to alcohol and has fetal alcohol syndrome." After monitoring these children into their teen years, researchers believe cocaine exposure is less severe than alcohol and comparable to tobacco use during pregnancy.Less damage may result from a chemical circulating in the mother than in the poverty or poor parenting resulting from drug addiction in the home."

Help your pregnant daughter get medical treatment for any drugs she is using, including cigarettes. Help her stop using drugs and alcohol right away. There will be consequences to both her health and the health of the baby, but these may be manageable and are not good excuses to pressure her into an abortion.

Pregnant College Athletes

Does your pregnant daughter have a scholarship because she's an athlete on her college sports team? If her school is a member of the National College Athletic Association (NCAA), see if they are following the NCAA policy on pregnant and parenting students.

Wright State University is the origin of this policy, according to this article. The article says, "In 2002, when two female student-athletes at Wright State were pregnant, one was able to retain her scholarship, while the other lost her financial aid for the next year." School staff didn't like how the situation was handled, so they wrote a policy that is now the model for every NCAA school.

"What the booklet, titled, ‘Pregnant and parenting student-athletes, resources and model policies’, mainly tries to secure, is a protection of pregnant female athletes’ financial aid since the condition is temporary, like a mid-season injury."

This policy model is based on "Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, the legislation preventing any institution from discriminating against any athlete because of gender. Section 106.40 of the law reads, “A recipient shall not discriminate, or exclude any student from its education program or activity…on the basis of such student’s pregnancy, childbirth, false pregnancy, termination of pregnancy or recovery therefrom.”"

"The policy model is still just a model and doesn’t carry the force of a bylaw, meaning there is no penalty for not following it." But at least if your pregnant daughter is being threatened that she must abort her child in order to retain her athletic scholarship, you'll have some ammunition for talking to the school about a more reasonable decision.

Scholarships for Working Moms

Project Working Mom seeks to raise national awareness about the educational challenges facing many working parents. For instance, while 83% of single moms have high school diplomas, only 16 percent of them have a bachelor’s degree or higher. And, 35% of families in poverty are headed by single moms. Project Working Mom believes that online education is the answer to many of the challenges facing working moms and dads, both single and married, who want to further their education and lives.

A select group of online colleges and universities have teamed with eLearners.com to support Project Working Mom. The schools have committed to providing 65 full-tuition scholarships totaling up to $2 million dollars to working moms and dads to help them further their education and obtain their degrees.

You can apply to one of the scholarship sponsors for a “Project Working Mom ... and Dads, Too!” scholarship. Each scholarship sponsor will designate its own scholarship selection committee to select scholarship award recipients.

Scholarship Sponsors:
The following online online colleges and universities are sponsoring Project Working Mom:
Ashford University - www.ashford.edu - 10 scholarships to be awarded
Capella University - www.capella.edu - 10 scholarships to be awarded
Everest University - www.everest.edu - 10 scholarships to be awarded
Virginia College Online - www.vconline.edu - 15 scholarships to be awarded
Ashworth College - www.ashworthcollege.edu - 20 scholarships to be awarded

Eligibility Requirements:
“Project Working Mom ... and Dads, Too!” scholarships are for single and married working mothers and fathers who are interested in enrolling in an accredited online degree program. Employees (and family members) of scholarship sponsors or eLearners.com and their respective affiliates are not eligible to participate. All application materials submitted become the property of eLearners.com. One application per person.

Application Process:
To apply for a “Project Working Mom ... and Dads, Too!” scholarship, simply complete the online application, located at http://www.elearners.com/projectworkingmom/Scholarships/EntryForm.aspx?tsource=home&tid=200 where you will be asked to fill in the following:
Name
Age
Number of Children
Current Work Status
Email
Current Address and Phone Number
An essay of 1500 words or less, describing why getting your degree is important to you. Tell them about (a) your life, education, and/or career goal(s), (b) how education will ultimately enable you to achieve those goal(s), and (c) why online education is the right choice for you.
They strongly encourage you to discuss any personal challenges or obstacles you have had to overcome in your pursuit of getting your degree.

Selection Process:
Applications will be reviewed by Project Working Mom scholarship award committees of each of the online schools you designate in your scholarship application. The scholarship recipients will be selected based on the strength of the application and written essay as determined by each designated scholarship committee. Scholarship sponsoring schools and scholarship recipients are responsible for the details of the delivery and acceptance of the scholarship award including but not limited to any applicable tax obligations with respect to the award.

Deadline:
Applications must be received online by Wednesday, April 30, 2009 (5:00 P.M. ET). To be eligible for possible selection as a scholarship finalist to appear on The Tyra Banks Show in March or April 2009, applications must be received online by Sunday, March 8, 2009 (5:00 P.M. ET).

See details here.

Proudnana's story

"Proudnana" on Bukisa.com wrote her beautiful story "How to survive a teen parent" about her pregnant teen. Under the Creative Commons copyright, her story is copied here (edited for punctuation, grammar and capitalization).

----Begin Article----

When the Doctor came into the room, I was not expecting those four words to come out of his mouth. "Your Daughter is Pregnant." I was dumb founded. I just sat there. All of a sudden tears just started flowing down my face and I could not stop it. I started down memory lane. I remembered the day she was born.

I was devastated. I had all these emotions: devastation, anger, bitterness. I must of cried everyday for a long time. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Then all of a sudden I thought, "Okay she is pregnant. Its not the end of the world. She is not dying she is having a baby."

I needed support through this but no one would listen. My daughter did not want me to talk to anyone about it. But I had to. You're going to have to do the same thing. If you are going through this just tell your daughter, "Look, I have to talk to someone about this and you are gonna have to trust me enough to know that I would never do anything to hurt you."

I finally realized that it was not my fault. My daughter did not set out to get pregnant to hurt me. I was not there when they had sex. I could not be with her 24 hours a day or 7 days a week. It was not my fault. If I knew about [it] I would have stopped it. Everyone thought it was my fault. I lost a lot of friends over this and so did my daughter. Those friends were not really our friends.

I was devstated. I thought my daughter's life was over. My husband and I really thought that our daughter was not mature enough to handle this. To us she was still a baby. She wanted to keep her baby so we talked about it and decided to let her keep him. He was hers. No matter what she would always be his Mom. I knew the change in her eyes to look for. If you are a Mom you know the look I am talking about it. I knew what to look for. So when my grandson was born, I handed him to my daughter and immediatly she had that look of a Mother. She started to count his fingers and his toes. She kissed him and just held him in her arms. At that moment I knew she was going to be fine.

I felt like sometimes I was on a roller coaster and I wanted to stop to get off but it would not stop. Everytime I thought it was going to stop it just got faster and faster. Then other days I felt as though I was on a row boat without the paddles in the middle of a sea storm with the waves crashing down on the boat. I felt all alone. Like I was the only one going through this. No one would listen to me. No matter what I said to my daughter she did not want me to talk to anyone about it.

My husband -- well he is another story. He just acted like nothing was wrong. I thought at one time I was going to have slap him to see if he was still here with me. But when our grandson was born something changed within him... it was amazing. Something wonderful was finally coming from this world of darkness. I could finally see the light. It just dawned me one day to support my daughter.

To us we had no choice but to support our daughter. We took on that responsibility the day she was born. We were parents through bad times as well as good times. Every parent is there for their kids when they get good grades or bad grades, when they scrape their knees, when they get their heart broken. Being a parent is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. Yes, it's a thankless job at times. But sometimes it's a rewarding job.

Every child is a gift from God. You don't choose your parents or your children -- God does. You don't choose when your children are born, God does. I know we do stuff all the time that God does not like. But does he turn us away when we do those things. No! He loves us regardless of what we do! I have been judged for supporting my daughter. I guess everyone thought I should have sent her away to give up her child or make her get an abortion. But it was not my choice to make. I was not the one who was pregnant, she was.

You as a parent to your teen parent have to realize that your teen is scared too. She feels like she is all alone during this. She is worried that no one will accept her or appreciate the decision she has made. It takes a strong person to go through something like this. Your daughter's or my daughter's life has not ended, it is just beginning a new chapter. Her dreams or your dreams for her has not died -- she will just to have to work harder for them and she will have to take her baby along with her. It will take her longer but she will get there. Telling her that she has just ruined her life or that her life is going to change now -- that is just ruining her self esteem. She will never do anything if you keep doing that. She knows her life is going to change. She is not stupid. You raised her to be a loving, generous person so show that to her. Practice what you preach. Take it slow, one day at a time. It will get better with time.

I read a book one time called "Daughters Gone Wild Dads Gone Crazy". Get it and read it and see if your daughter will read it too. You read the part for the dad and let her read the part for the daughter. It is amazing. It taught me a lot. Rev. Charles Stone and his daughter Heather Stone wrote the book together. In that book Charles Stone says to Remain Calm. Talk to your daughter and realize that the first thing you say to your daughter during a Major problem is what she is going to remember. Act like she is not your daughter but one of her friends that has just come to you with a problem. What would say to her. It takes one day at a time to handle this situation.

---- Article finished ----
All of the emotions Proudnana describes as she discovers her daughter's pregnancy are part of the grief cycle, which we discuss in the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News". Proudnana learned who were true friends, and we discuss "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances". Proudnana's husband reacted quite differently from her, and we discuss this in "Talking with My Husband". Proudnana talks about her daughter's feelings, which relates to the chapter "What Is My Daughter Feeling?" The advice to remain calm and pay attention to the first words out of your mouth is exactly what we recommend in the chapter "The Importance of First Words" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

New research on depression after childbirth

As discussed in our previous posts about postpartum depression (here and here), teens and women under the age of 35 are more likely to develop depression after childbirth.

A recent research study found that "increased levels of corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH), which is produced by the placenta, identifies women who are at risk for developing depression after their pregnancy ends".

The article suggests that in the future, doctors may be able to pre-screen pregnant women to see if they are more likely to experience postpartum depression. This would allow earlier intervention. In the mean time, make sure you and your pregnant daughter learn about the symptoms of postpartum depression and make a list of resources in advance so that if your daughter gets depressed after giving birth you'll be able to get help more quickly.

Smoking in Pregnancy

Medical science has known for decades that women who smoke while they are pregnant tend to give birth to babies that don't weigh enough. Recent research suggests that low-birth weight may be because "Smoking during pregnancy reduces blood flow to the developing fetus and, in turn, retards growth."

Babies born to women who smoke during pregnancy tend to weigh less, have a smaller head size, and be shorter.

Help your pregnant daughter stop smoking right away, for her own health and especially the health of her preborn child.