Importance of a Father

The secret heartache caused by broken families and father failure is frequently laid bare by the tabloids covering the lives of pop stars. Emptiness caused by divorce and absent or abusive fathers has been the catalyst for the ruin of many of Hollywood’s darlings. 

Hännah Schellhase, National Fatherhood Initiative's Development Specialist, wrote a great blog entry recently, titled "Fathers, be good to your daughters".  Go read the whole post and talk it over with your pregnant daughter.

Hannah writes, "John Mayer’s song "Daughters" won the 2005 Grammy for Song of the Year. The lyrics carry a rebuke to fathers for how they treat their daughters because of the profound influence a father’s actions have on the psyche of a daughter. Mayer has captured the cyclical nightmare that is created when a girl is mistreated or abandoned by her father. “Daughters” describes the emotional confusion daughters feel when their fathers are absent or uninvolved, either physically or emotionally.

A woman’s definition of her self-worth and the nature of love is often formed by early impressions of her father’s relationship to both her and her mother. Without a healthy family framework to define these things for her, a girl is often left scrambling to piece together meaning for herself, and has to work through significant emotional barriers in order to commit to a loving relationship or a healthy lifestyle for herself.  Taylor Swift’s new song "Mine" captures this struggle perfectly—learning to trust and love is an incredibly difficult thing for a daughter to learn if her father hasn’t modeled these things well.

Teen star Lindsay Lohan fell into drugs and alcohol and has ruined her career with courtroom scandals and immature behavior. Her mother is always at her side at court hearings—but where is her father? Michael Lohan spent Lindsay’s childhood years in and out of jail and in highly publicized affairs, finally divorcing her mother Dina in 2007. Perhaps it’s just a coincidence, but Lindsay’s first DUI was also that same year. Fathers, be good to your daughters.

R&B singer Chris Brown nearly ruined his career when his girlfriend, pop artist Rihanna, appeared in public with bruises in 2009. It turned out that Chris had beaten Rihanna several times during arguments, and he was later given a restraining order and five years of parole. Many fans were disgusted with his behavior—hitting a woman is despicable.  However, a father’s behavior is often shown to be a predictor of the behavior of his children, and Brown had spoken many times before the incident about how traumatized he had been by how his stepfather abused his mom. Brown grew up in a home where his mom was regularly beaten and verbally abused—and like most children, Brown later learned that it’s nearly impossible to break free from the cycle of "loving" like your family "loved."

Mayer’s song says “So fathers, be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do,” but sons learn how to treat women from their fathers—sons will love like their fathers do.  If more dads were dedicated to being involved, if more dads were careful with how they loved their daughters, there would be so much less heartbreak as children try to enter adulthood without any idea of what real commitment, unconditional love, or an unbroken family looks like. There would be less need for songs like P!nk’s "Perfect" or Bruno Mars' "Just the Way  You Are", as the women in these songs might have had the chance to understand their worth and beauty from the affirmations of a caring father.

 So read this article to your pregnant daughter.  Who will be the father figure for her child?  How will her son learn about how to to treat women by watching a string of boyfriends that your daughter dates?  How will her daughter learn self-worth without a father figure?  If your pregnant daughter is not going to marry her child's father, please talk to her about seriously considering an adoption plan so that her child can have a stable mother and father.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "The Importance of a Father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real stories: Ann Forster

Ann was 19 and a sophomore in college when she found she was pregnant.  She tells her story in the Fall 2007 edition of The American Feminist.  Here is her story; read it to your pregnant daughter and talk about it.

I went to my boyfriend and told him and he was also shocked —we’d done what we thought would prevent this—and dismayed—he was also a sophomore in college, and like me, loving the luxuries of lots of free time and not a lot of responsibility. He hugged me and told me we’d figure it out, and drove me to Taco Bell for a bean burrito.

We went to the doctor, who did an ultrasound, which confirmed that I was six weeks pregnant, and gave us a glimpse of a little beating heart. We then drove the 2½ hours to his parents’ house. They were the “accepting ones”; the ones that we were sure would react with disappointment at the timing, but not with anger at our “irresponsible behavior.” But that was not what we got. His parents immediately jumped to the conclusion that abortion was the solution.

To say I never considered abortion would be dishonest. Of course I did. It is portrayed as the quick fix. The solution that costs the least in time, money and responsibility. Of course I considered it. But that’s not what I had chosen. I felt betrayed, alone and angry. Especially angry that this boy who I loved, and who professed to love me, with whom I had been in a relationship for more than a year—this boy, in response to his family’s position, adopted a new one. He said, “I love you, but this is a bad idea. Make it go away or I will go away.”

His mother, a proud feminist, warned me I would never succeed if I had a baby in college; that we needed to “terminate the pregnancy” so that her son and I could move into life as “unencumbered adults.”

I told my parents—the ones we were convinced would not react well; the ones we were sure would react with judgment— but they responded with unconditional support. And a feeling of indignation rose up in me. “Can’t succeed?” I thought, “Really? Have I not been raised to be and strived to be a strong woman? A capable woman? Does this right to choose for which I have argued so vehemently mean I don’t really have a choice? Can’t succeed? Really? Let’s find out.”

And so I did. I went to school full time until May and Ada was born June 17th. I lived in the dorm—I was comically huge, but I had a housing scholarship that I was not willing to give up. My professors embraced my choice—excusing me as I ran to the bathroom with morning sickness, laughing with me as it got harder and harder to squeeze into a desk, but also demanding my best effort on papers, in discussions. One professor said, “You know, Ann Lowrey, if you are going to be a woman who succeeds professionally, a little old pregnancy cannot turn off your brain.”

While I was pregnant, I competed on the mock trial team I had founded the year before. After Ada was born, I served two more terms as president of that organization. I wrote weekly opinion columns for the school paper. Ada sat in my lap as I read philosophy treatises for my philosophy of law class. I laughed a lot.

I was not able to do this because I am super woman—or because being a single mother and a full-time student at 20 is easy. I was able to do it because of the support I received. The mounds of emotional support and the financial resources provided by my academic scholarships and my family. These resources ensured that we never wanted for diapers or baby food or child care.

Patricia Heaton, two-time Emmy winner, honorary chair of Feminists For Life and Debra on “Everybody Loves Raymond,” who currently stars on “Back to You,” says, “Women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserve unplanned joy.” I did not get to spend a semester in Vienna as I had planned. But I did graduate with honors, on time, with two majors, and I have the most wonderful little girl who, rather than ruining my life and preventing me from succeeding, has only created new challenges and ways in which I can succeed.  And along the way, I realized that while I never stopped being a feminist, I was now a pro-life feminist.

My best friend, Paul, and I married two years after Ada was born, two weeks before he and I both defended our senior theses—his on education and mine on the deliberate blocking by Planned Parenthood and NOW of any pro-life Supreme Court justice. He adopted Ada in June 2007. A few months after we married, Paul and I found ourselves expecting. Ada has a new baby brother, and I am more and more proud of my role as a mother. If we work to ensure that the thousands of young women who find themselves pregnant in college every year have the resources Ada and I had, there can be unplanned joy. Let’s do that together.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Ann's story.  How did your daughter's partner react when she told him that she was pregnant?  Did he change his mind later?  How did your daughter expect each set of grandparents to react to the pregnancy news?  Did she expect you to have a very difficult reaction?  What emotional and financial support are you able to offer your daughter?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Having plans for a future

Why do teens get pregnant?

"I believe girls choose to have babies when they don't have a vision of any other options," says Lisa Piscopo in an article in the Denver Post.

Karen Auge writes, "Teenage pregnancy is less a matter of morals or sex education or access to birth control than it is a matter of a girl — or boy— feeling that they have a future. Or not."

"Simply put, girls with prospects do not have babies. It is not just the disadvantaged, but the 'discouraged among the disadvantaged' who become teen mothers," Janet Rich-Edwards, a Harvard epidemiologist, wrote in the International Journal of Epidemiology.

Bill Albert of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy adds, "There's a mentality of 'I'm ready to have a baby, I love babies. I can buy clothes for them. They're so cute and wonderful,' and there's no connection to what's best for that child.  And they'll ask, 'Why wait? Wait for what? I'm not going to college.'"

Pregnancy can seem like an escape from an unhappy home life and can hold the promise of someone to love and to be loved by. That may explain, in part, the high rate of pregnancy among girls in foster care.  A University of Chicago study reported that by age 17, one-third of young women in foster care reported having been pregnant. By age 19, that proportion had risen to nearly half.  The study's author, Amy Dworsky, told a congressional panel that those girls want "to create the family they don't have or fill an emotional void."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these quotes.  What are her hopes for the future?  Did she felt she had a good future before she became pregnant?  Does she identify with the quotes above that talk about wanting a baby so that someone will love her?  Does your daughter want to attend college and start a career?

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Our hope for the next five years" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Joyce McCauley-Benner's pregnancy after rape

Joyce McCauley-Benner shares her personal experience with pregnancy after rape in an article "Victory over Violence" in the Fall 2007 edition of American Feminist (see page 10).

Like many college students, I wanted to move away from home and experience life on my own. I chose to move 1,100 miles away and I ended up working two jobs and surviving on financial aid to support this dream.

One of my jobs was at a restaurant. A cook in the restaurant started to show some favoritism towards me. The other servers were annoyed as my orders came out faster and better and my tips increased. I didn’t think much of it, until I was pushed inside a freezer and the cook made sexual advances towards me. No matter the number of times I broke free, it happened again.
Later that night, he raped me.

For the next several weeks, I tried just to keep my life barely intact and my classes at a passing level. About two months later I went to my on-campus health center for a check up. I asked the nurse if I was pregnant. She assured me I wasn’t and kept telling me the test would be negative. I wanted to believe in her confidence, but I had this nagging feeling that I was pregnant.

Five minutes passed. The clock ticked mercilessly, as I thought: “I don’t know how to take care of a baby! I’m not ready to be a mother, I don’t have medical coverage. I can’t do this now!” The nurse came back in a state of quiet shock and placed the positive test in front of me. I begged her to tell me what to do. She told me to take a prenatal vitamin, find a doctor, and be on my way. That was it.

I walked out in a daze. Was the cook this baby’s dad?  Some jerk who hurt me, for fun, in spiteful laughter, as he, when he was done, said “see ya round, bitch”? Could that moment, in all its ugliness, possibly have fostered a child?  Or did this baby belong to me and to my boyfriend, whom I loved deeply, who had been with me in loving times and fun-filled moments?  I had to wait until the birth to know.

Despair came in fast and furious. Either way seemed a dead end. Surely, either way was hard. Did I think about abortion? Sure. I wanted so badly for the pain to go away, the unknowing, but even abortion wouldn’t put the question of paternity to an end.

And I still didn’t know what to do. I was in a new town, no family, few friends close by, no health insurance and not a clue how to take care of myself during pregnancy.  One day, during a desperate call to a friend from home, I went over my so-called choices. She made a comment to me, “I know you are feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain and despair right now, but just know, no single feeling lasts forever. An abortion will.” That hit me like a ton of bricks.

Upon deeper reflection, I realized that while I did not know who the father of my baby was yet, I did know who his mother was. And that was me. There was as much of me inside this baby as there was the rapist, or my boyfriend. How could I allow yet another piece of me to be taken away?

I didn’t have much. But I had enough.  So I moved back home and had my baby boy. My boyfriend didn’t sign the paternity papers at the birth because he still didn’t know if he was the father and his friends and family encouraged him not to. It would take three months to learn who the dad was. But it didn’t matter to me any more, at least not as much. In Joshua McCauley’s eyes and tender hands I saw that part of me, fragile, needing love and support, but also full of life.

To learn later that women like Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton celebrated motherhood as a part of womanhood was very empowering. I was not going to be transformed from a woman to a mother, but rather my womanhood experience was expanding, enhanced by motherhood.

When I chose single motherhood, it was hard. Finding resources and returning to my hometown college were challenging. But I persevered through it all and tapped into a strength within myself I never knew I had. We, as women, can sell ourselves short sometimes. Some parts of society will tell us we can’t do it, we shouldn’t do it, or force us to choose between our dreams as women and our desires as mothers. But I am here to tell you, women deserve better choices than that.

If your daughter has been raped, get her the medical and emotional intervention she needs.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about Joyce's experience.  What is your daughter's reaction to the quote "I realized that while I did not know who the father of my baby was yet, I did know who his mother was. And that was me. There was as much of me inside this baby as there was the rapist, or my boyfriend. How could I allow yet another piece of me to be taken away?"  Joyce talks about being pressured to choose between "our dreams as women and our desires as mothers"... ask your pregnant daughter what her dreams and desires are.

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our new Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: Men Impacted by Coercion

Men are hurt by coerced and unwanted abortions too. Here is one man’s story:

For every woman who has had an abortion a man has been involved. For me it was two abortions.  My story begins at 16 when I heard that first “I’m pregnant” from my girlfriend. I can remember being scared and a little confused about how it all happened. I asked all of the questions like, “I thought you were protected,” and anything else I could think of to say rather than taking responsibility for my actions.

I can remember when the phone call came to my parents. My feelings of being scared and confused changed to terrified and ashamed. I don’t know how much time passed from the phone call until my parents came to talk with me, but it felt like an eternity. I remember putting on my headphones with the music cranked up, not wanting to face the consequences of my actions as my parents were trying to talk to me. I wanted it all to go away.

I’m sure my parents were just as scared and that thoughts of “what’s next” were running through their minds. Both sets of parents got involved, and it ended with the untimely death of Jonathan Michael, who would now be 30-plus years old and doing something I never gave him the chance to do.

I don’t remember thinking a whole lot about the abortion. In my busy, important life as a teenager, sex, drugs, and rock and roll took over with a steady diet of Pink Floyd and others. It didn’t take long for this life-style to catch up with me; I got myself in the same situation with another girlfriend.

I remember thinking, “Okay, this time I will be a man and take care of this baby. I know I’m only 17, but I’ll be 18 real soon and out of high school. I know I can work hard and make it work out this time.”

When we had the sit-down talk with my girlfriend’s dad, he proceeded to tell me I wasn’t ready for the responsibility of raising a child. After all, I was still in high school and I had no job stability. He continued for some time, but all I heard after that was, “You are not good enough; you’re a loser. What kind of idiot would get my daughter pregnant anyway? I can’t believe I even let my daughter go out with you the way you look, you long-haired loser.”

The result of that conversation was the decision by her parents for the abortion of Zachary Allen, who would be following his older brother’s lead in the life I didn’t fight for. That day ripped my gut out and closed my heart.

My role in two abortions has been long-lasting. I can tell you that the mental and emotional effects on a man are real and devastating. I really don’t let anyone get close to me because I don’t want to let them down. I’ve had a divorce, no current relationship with my two living sons, countless unfinished projects, and several jobs left before true success–mainly because I never felt I deserved it.

Where am I today? After hearing a woman’s personal story in our church of how abortion affected her, I felt like a hammer hit me between the eyes. I knew then it was time to start dealing with my past. Jesus Christ has forgiven my past and continues to strengthen me. I know that there is NO future looking in my rearview mirror and nothing in my past that I can change. My wife had nothing to do with my past, but she wants the best for our future and to fight and save as many untimely deaths as we can together. Her support has been immeasurable in the healing process.

 You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!

Real Stories: A teen's coerced abortion

Read this real-life experience to your pregnant daughter and talk to her about her reaction.

When I became pregnant, the father of the baby insisted on an abortion. He was scared, because his parents had to get married with him when his mother was sixteen years old. My boyfriend always felt like his dad resented him for “tying him down.” His father drank a lot, and would beat him and his mother and sisters. My boyfriend said he wanted to show his father that he could “do it the right way.”

But I wanted to have the baby. I didn’t know much about abortion, but as a Christian, I knew it was wrong. So I told my boyfriend that he could “get lost” and have no responsibility for the baby. If I felt that I couldn’t handle the baby, I could give him up for adoption.

There was one problem: I was so scared! I needed the help of a professional, so like many other girls, I went to Planned Parenthood.

After an examination, I talked with a counselor and explained to her that I wanted the baby, but I was scared and that my boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion. She seemed to think that abortion was the wise choice. All she said was, “Well, remember that it’s your body, and you have the final say about what happens. However, here’s the phone to call and make an appointment for an abortion. The clinic is very busy so you should call as soon as possible.” I told her I wasn’t ready to jump that fast, and left feeling lonely and helpless.

I knew I couldn’t fight against my boyfriend forever, and I was afraid to tell my parents. So, feeling hopeless, I made an appointment for an abortion.

I told the counselor I wanted to have my baby but my boyfriend wanted me to have the abortion. The counselor seemed quite upset with me and plainly told me that I was being “romantic,” while my boyfriend was being “realistic.” How could wanting to give birth to my baby be romantic? I knew it wouldn’t be peaches and roses, but the counselor had no right to put me down like that, either. It seems to me that these people are so involved in fighting for abortions that they forget to look at the young girls’ and their babies’ needs.

Anyway, eight weeks pregnant, I had a suction abortion. About six hours after the abortion, I experienced severe cramps and almost passed out. I’ve never felt pain like that before—it was as if someone was on the inside of my stomach, slowly cutting it away with a knife. I finally rocked myself to sleep on my hands and knees. When I woke up, the pain was gone.

The second day I felt all right. But on the third day after my abortion, the pain came back, and I had a lot of bleeding and clotting. Nobody told me it would be that bad. I was told to expect some bleeding, which they gave pills for, and some cramps.

I was also told that for a couple of weeks I’d feel an emotional loss, but after that, I should be over my experience. If I wasn’t, they said, I should seek further counseling, because normally these feelings of guilt, loss, etc. should be gone by then. Well, my symptoms weren’t over, but there was no way I was going back to them for counseling.

A year later, I married my boyfriend, who also had horrible guilt feelings [about the abortion]. We have regretted it every day since it happened. We keep wondering what kind of child he or she was: a future President? Someone with the answer to our energy problems? Quite on purpose, I got pregnant two weeks before we got married. I knew it was wrong, but the need for another child was so great that it was all I lived for.

About three months after we were married, I started changing emotionally, and could not stand having any kind of sexual relationship with my husband. I thought it was a hormone imbalance, due to my pregnancy.

When the problem didn’t get better after the baby was born, and went on for another year, I went to talk to a Christian friend who was studying to become a marriage counselor. He said I was probably trying to punish myself for what I did, and that I couldn’t accept God’s forgiveness. It wasn’t until two years later that I found out one of the major problems women face after an abortion is not being able to face sexual relationships. The emotional damage done by abortion goes so deep and into so many different areas that it is hard to understand.

I still have problems that need to be worked out. Nobody ever told me it would be like this. In fact, I thought I was abnormal until I read information from [a post-abortion support group], and realized that I’m not alone. Sad but comforting.

My husband has been great through all of this. Christ is teaching us so much, and because of what I went through, I have a “burden” to help fight this issue. Although I haven’t told my parents about my abortion, I’ll probably have to soon. I’m sure they wonder why I take everything about abortion so personally. I’ve already told my mother-in-law, and my husband is supporting me the whole way.

As a Christian, I know God was with me all the way, wanting to give me His strength to help me make it through my pregnancy. I was just too scared to reach out for His hand. I still should have gotten better professional help from those agencies. At the age of eighteen, the law says one is an adult. But emotionally, many eighteen-year-olds are not strong enough on the inside to stand up for what they really want.

I thank God with all my heart that He loved my husband and me and showed His love for us by giving us a second chance. We are blessed with three beautiful boys—I hope we can have three more!

You may also find it helpful to read the chapter "Where does the baby's father belong in all of this?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Have questions? Want to talk about this post or other issues? Write a comment, join us on Facebook, or talk with us on our Grandparent Support Group!