February is awareness month for dating violence. BreakTheCycle.org points out that "the core of dating violence are issues of power and control." Talk to your kids about how "violent words and actions are tools an abusive partners uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner."
Talk about these kinds of power and control:
Peer pressure: for example, threatening to expose someone's weakness, spreading rumors, telling lies about a person to their peer group.
Anger and emotional abuse: putting you down, making you feel badly about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, mind games, humiliating you, making you feel guilty.
Using social status: treating you like a servant, the controlling partner making all the decisions, the controlling partner being the only one allowed to define men's and women's roles.
Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.
Minimize/Deny/Blame: the controlling partner making light of the abuse and not taking seriously your concerns about the situation, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying that you caused the abusive behavior.
Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone. Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to the police. Making you drop charges. Making you do illegal things.
Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats in order to get sex, getting a girl pregnant in order to control her, threatening to take the children away, getting you drunk or drugged in order to have sex.
Isolation/Exclusion: Controlling what you do, controlling who you see or talk to, controlling what you read, controlling where you go. Limiting outside involvement from others. Using jealousy to justify actions.
If your child is being controlled in a relationship, please get them help. Tell your child you are concerned for their safety. Point out that what they are experiencing is not normal and that they deserve a safe relationship. Stress that you are on their side and that no one deserves to be abused. Help them develop a safety plan.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month
February is awareness month for Teen Dating Abuse.
Break the Cycle says that as many as one in three teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship; and one in four eighth and ninth grade students reported being victims of dating violence.
Talk to your daughter about this video.
Break the Cycle says that as many as one in three teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship; and one in four eighth and ninth grade students reported being victims of dating violence.
Talk to your daughter about this video.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sexual purity, step 3
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.
To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.
Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.
To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.
Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sexual purity, step 2
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?
Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?
All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.
Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?
Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?
All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sexual purity, step 1
"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.
1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?
Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."
She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.
Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.
"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."
Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.
1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?
Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."
She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.
Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".
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