Bethany Christian Services has the following list of adoption questions to discuss with your pregnant daughter. She may still be exploring her options, or she may have already selected an option. Talk about adoption anyway, so that when parenting is tough you can both say that you thoroughly explored every option and made an informed choice. Play a what-if game: what-if your pregnant daughter were exploring adoption as an option...talk about these topics:
How can adoption be a good choice for my baby and me?
If you're not ready to be a parent, you can still give your baby the gift of life by choosing adoption. Ask your pregnant daughter what qualities, skills, and assets she thinks it takes to be a parent. What parenting skills does she already possess? What parenting skills does she not yet have? Does she have all the parenting qualities she would want to be a good parent? What assets does she have (job, education, saved money, insurance, committed relationship, etc.), and what assets does she currently lack?
Can I choose the family for my baby?
Yes! Most agencies have many adoptive couples who have been studied and approved. You might also want to choose a friend or someone who has been recommended to you. Maybe there's someone in your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who would be a good family for her baby? What qualities and assets would be on her wish-list if she were going to look for an adoptive couple?
How much contact can I have with my baby after the birth and after adoption?
You can spend as much time with your baby at the hospital as you choose. When you are planning your child's adoption, you can choose an open adoption plan that allows ongoing visits, or you can choose a less open adoption that keeps you informed through letters and photos. If you prefer not to have any contact, confidential adoption is also possible. You and your pregnant daughter may have already decided against adoption. But talk about this anyway. Play a what-if game. What-if you were exploring adoption, how much contact would she want with her child?
How soon after birth can my baby go to the parents I choose?
The timing of your child's placement depends on your preference, legal aspects, and the role of the birthfather. Many mothers want their baby placed with the adoptive family directly from the hospital, while other mothers choose interim care while they consider their adoption decision. How soon would your pregnant daughter want her child to be placed with her chosen couple?
How much will my child know about me?
Regardless of the type of adoption plan, you will want to provide a thorough social and medical history for your child. If you develop an adoption plan that includes ongoing contact, your child will know about you directly. Even if your pregnant daughter is not considering adoption, sit down with her and write out her social history and her medical history. If she were to consider adoption, what other things would she like her child to know about her?
Does the expectant father have any rights?
Both you and the expectant father have rights. If you disagree about adoption or you no longer have a relationship with him, your agency will work with him and/or the courts to determine his rights. What is the status of your daughter's relationship with her child's father? If he is still involved with her, what are his thoughts on adoption?
Can my child find me if he or she wants to search someday?
Searching may only be necessary if there has not been ongoing contact. The law in your state determines when and how your child may access the information in the adoption file, which your caseworker can explain.
How can I be sure that my child will be well cared for?
There are standards that every prospective adoptive family must meet which are set by both the agency and the state in which they live. Families are thoroughly assessed before being approved for adoption, and a caseworker will make visits to the adoptive family after placement to ensure your child's well-being.
Do I need an attorney, or do I pay my agency to assist me with the adoption?
In many states, you will not need an attorney, and most agencies provide services to you at no cost. If you do need an attorney, usually those costs are paid by the adoptive family.
Can I get help with medical and living expenses while I'm making an adoption plan?
Assistance with medical and living expenses is available through many agencies. For details about how your agency can help you in your particular circumstances, contact your caseworker.
You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Attitudes About Marriage
A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"The median age at first marriage in 1960 was 20 for women, by 2006, the median age had risen to 26. Men marry later than do women, with a median first marriage age of 23 in 1960 and 28 in 2006."
"83% of unmarried respondents reported that they thought it was important or very important to be married someday, compared with 5% who considered it unimportant and 12% who felt it was only somewhat important."
But only 26% of young adults surveyed said that they would like to be married right NOW. 44% of young adults in cohabiting relationships reported that they would currently like to be married.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. What are their thoughts about marriage? At what age would they like to be married? Are they currently in a relationship that could lead to marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Should they marry?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" and discuss it with your pregnant daughter.
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"The median age at first marriage in 1960 was 20 for women, by 2006, the median age had risen to 26. Men marry later than do women, with a median first marriage age of 23 in 1960 and 28 in 2006."
"83% of unmarried respondents reported that they thought it was important or very important to be married someday, compared with 5% who considered it unimportant and 12% who felt it was only somewhat important."
But only 26% of young adults surveyed said that they would like to be married right NOW. 44% of young adults in cohabiting relationships reported that they would currently like to be married.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. What are their thoughts about marriage? At what age would they like to be married? Are they currently in a relationship that could lead to marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Should they marry?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" and discuss it with your pregnant daughter.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
To "Let Go" Takes Love
To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)
To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.
To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.
To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.
To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
8 Myths and Realities About Adoption
November is Adoption Awareness Month. Discuss the following information with your pregnant daughter, even if you and/or she currently are not even considering adoption.
8 Myths and Realities About Adoption, by Adoptive Families Magazine.\
Facts:
As of the 2000 Census, there were 1.5 million children under the age of 18 in America who joined their family through adoption, 2% of all children in the U.S.
In the U.S., there are 5 million people today who were adopted. More than 100,000 children are adopted each year.
94% of all Americans view adoption favorably.
Myth: Birthparents are all troubled teens.
Reality: Most birthparents today are over 18, but lack the resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.
Myth: Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than birth children.
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.
Myth: Open adoption causes problems for children.
Reality: Adoptees are not confused by contact with their birthparents. They benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life but their forever families take care of and nurture them.
Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are not the result of nor guaranteed by biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.
8 Myths and Realities About Adoption, by Adoptive Families Magazine.\
Facts:
As of the 2000 Census, there were 1.5 million children under the age of 18 in America who joined their family through adoption, 2% of all children in the U.S.
In the U.S., there are 5 million people today who were adopted. More than 100,000 children are adopted each year.
94% of all Americans view adoption favorably.
Myth: Birthparents are all troubled teens.
Reality: Most birthparents today are over 18, but lack the resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.
Myth: Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than birth children.
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.
Myth: Open adoption causes problems for children.
Reality: Adoptees are not confused by contact with their birthparents. They benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life but their forever families take care of and nurture them.
Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are not the result of nor guaranteed by biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Attitudes About Cohabitation
A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"According to national estimates, the proportion of women that had cohabited by their late thirties has steadily increased from 30 percent in 1987, to almost 50 percent in 1995, to 61 percent by 2002."
The survey asked the question, "It is all right for an unmarried couple to live together even if they are not interested in considering marriage." 57% of survey respondants agreed with this statement, 19% were neutral, and 24% disagreed. 46% of married young adults agreed, 70% of young adults currently cohabiting agreed, 59% of those in a relationship but not living together agreed, and 60% of those not in any relationship agreed.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and family about these statistics. What are your opinions about marriage and cohabitation? What does your family think and why?
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"According to national estimates, the proportion of women that had cohabited by their late thirties has steadily increased from 30 percent in 1987, to almost 50 percent in 1995, to 61 percent by 2002."
The survey asked the question, "It is all right for an unmarried couple to live together even if they are not interested in considering marriage." 57% of survey respondants agreed with this statement, 19% were neutral, and 24% disagreed. 46% of married young adults agreed, 70% of young adults currently cohabiting agreed, 59% of those in a relationship but not living together agreed, and 60% of those not in any relationship agreed.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and family about these statistics. What are your opinions about marriage and cohabitation? What does your family think and why?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Attitudes About A Successful Relationship
A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"The Add Health survey identifies four elements that may serve as barometers of the relationship quality of couples between the ages of 20 and 24: love, fidelity, lifelong commitment, and having enough money. Respondents rated the importance of these elements for a successful relationship using a 1-10 scale in which 1 indicates not important at all and 10 indicates very important."
81% of men and 91% of women responding to the survey agreed that love is a very important component of a successful relationship. Similarly, 85% of men and 93% of women said that being faithful is very important. 72% of men and 82% of women said that making a lifelong committment is very important to a successful relationship. "More than 90% of married respondants said that they regarded love and fidelity as important elements of a relationship."
Only 26% of men and 21% of women said that having enough money is very important to a successful relationship. "Young adults who were cohabiting were somewhat more likely to feel that having enough money was a very important element of a successful relationship." In my experience, not having enough money is a main reason why pregnant couples say they couldn't possibly get married. Maybe money isn't as important to their long-term relationship as they think it is.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. How important do they think that love, being faithful, and making a lifelong committment are to a successful relationship?
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
"The Add Health survey identifies four elements that may serve as barometers of the relationship quality of couples between the ages of 20 and 24: love, fidelity, lifelong commitment, and having enough money. Respondents rated the importance of these elements for a successful relationship using a 1-10 scale in which 1 indicates not important at all and 10 indicates very important."
81% of men and 91% of women responding to the survey agreed that love is a very important component of a successful relationship. Similarly, 85% of men and 93% of women said that being faithful is very important. 72% of men and 82% of women said that making a lifelong committment is very important to a successful relationship. "More than 90% of married respondants said that they regarded love and fidelity as important elements of a relationship."
Only 26% of men and 21% of women said that having enough money is very important to a successful relationship. "Young adults who were cohabiting were somewhat more likely to feel that having enough money was a very important element of a successful relationship." In my experience, not having enough money is a main reason why pregnant couples say they couldn't possibly get married. Maybe money isn't as important to their long-term relationship as they think it is.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. How important do they think that love, being faithful, and making a lifelong committment are to a successful relationship?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Types of Young Adult Relationships
A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
Survey results show that 76% of young adults (ages 20-24) were in a romantic relationship of some sort: 35% said they were dating but not living together, 21% were married, and 20% were cohabitating.
Nearly 90% of the survey respondants said that they had had sexual intercourse at some point. If we subtract the 21% who are married (because I hope they have a healthy sexual relationship!), then 69% of young adults surveyed who are not married have had sex. The Brief says "The vast majority of young adults have had sexual intercourse", referring to the 90% figure, but they are casually including the married young adults in order to make this number look so huge!
This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.
Survey results show that 76% of young adults (ages 20-24) were in a romantic relationship of some sort: 35% said they were dating but not living together, 21% were married, and 20% were cohabitating.
Nearly 90% of the survey respondants said that they had had sexual intercourse at some point. If we subtract the 21% who are married (because I hope they have a healthy sexual relationship!), then 69% of young adults surveyed who are not married have had sex. The Brief says "The vast majority of young adults have had sexual intercourse", referring to the 90% figure, but they are casually including the married young adults in order to make this number look so huge!
Monday, November 2, 2009
One Flaw In Women
I got this in email today and found it inspirational. I hope you do to.
Women have strengths that amaze men...
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Women have strengths that amaze men...
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
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