The connection between marriage and children

A recent BreakPoint commentary titled "An Unhappy Trend" summarized some recent statistics from the CDC:

• 40% of American babies born in 2007 were born to unmarried mothers.
• Compare this 40% to the statistic for 2002, when 34% of American babies were born to unmarried mothers.
• In 2007, only 23% of out-of-wedlock births were to unmarried teenagers.
• In 2007, 77% of out-of-wedlock births were to women in their 20s and 30s.
• In 2007, 60% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 20s.
• In 2007, 17% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 30s.

The commentary looks at how marriage and childbearing have been separated from each other.

Marriage is no longer seen as an institution whose ends have a communal, as well as personal, purpose. Instead, it is an expression of private affection whose ends are almost entirely about personal fulfillment. Thus, getting married is increasingly something you do after the rest of your life is arranged to your satisfaction. You go to school, find a job, get established in your career, and then you think about getting married. As a result, the average age when people first get married has risen by five years since 1970. But while our ideas about marriage have changed, our natures haven’t. One thing that Christians and dyed-in-the-wool Darwinists can agree on is that we are driven to reproduce ourselves. With a few exceptions, no matter how successful we might be, many feel that if we leave no descendants behind, all the striving is beside the point. What’s more, our biology doesn’t care about our sense of personal fulfillment. A woman’s most fertile period is her late teens to early 30s—precisely the time when young people are going to school and getting established in their careers. Thus, the longer we put off marriage, the more difficult it will be to fulfill one of our most fundamental instincts—have a child. Throw in the complications of meeting “Mr. Right,” getting to know him, and deciding that he’s the person you want to marry, and the “ticking clock” begins to sound like Big Ben.
So it seems that more and more women have decided to have children while they still can, regardless of their marital status.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about these statistics and this commentary. What does she think the purpose of marriage is? How does marriage fit into her plans for the future? What were you raised to believe about the purpose and timing of marriage? How do you feel now that your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they get married?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" (which can be helpful even if your single-and-pregnant daughter is not a teenager).

Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas

A recent article on CNN was titled "Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas" and says that "Latinas now have the highest teen birth rate among all ethnic and racial groups in the United States." The article listed several statistics:

• 53% of Latinas get pregnant in their teens, about twice the national average.
• 84% of Latino teens and 91% of Latino parents believe that graduating from college or having a career is the most important goal for a teen's future.
• "In 2007, the birth rate among non-Hispanic whites ages 15 to 19 was 27.2 per 1,000, and 64.3 per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black teens in the same age range. The teen birth rate among Hispanic teens ages 15 to 19 was 81.7 per 1,000."
• "Of the 759 Latino teens surveyed, 49 percent said their parents most influenced their decisions about sex, compared with 14 percent who cited friends. Three percent cited religious leaders, 2 percent teachers and 2 percent the media."
• "74 percent of Latino teens believe that parents send one message about sex to their sons and a different message altogether to their daughters, possibly related to the Latino value of machismo."
• "72 percent of sexually experienced teens say they wish they had waited."
• "34 percent of Latino teens believe that being a teen parent would prevent them from reaching their goals, but 47 percent say being a teen parent would simply delay them from reaching their goals."
• "76 percent said it is important to be married before starting a family."
• 69% of Latino teen moms drop out of high school.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics. Does she believe that graduation from college is an important goal for her life? Who does she think most influences her decisions about sex: you (her parents), friends, religious leaders, teachers, or the media? Does she feel that you send her one message about sex but a different message to her brothers? Does she wish she had waited to have sex? Does she think that being a mother will prevent her from reaching her goals, or simply delay her goals?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Who is the pregnant single mother?" and "Completing school" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Study: 'Friends With Benefits' Sex Common in College

A recent news article about casual sex in college summarizes a research study that was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The research study was conducted by Wayne State University and Michigan State University.

They found that "60% of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, but that the possibility for romantic feelings — and a lack of communication — can complicate such an arrangement."

Why would college students do this? "The main advantage of such a relationship was "no commitment" (reported by 59.7 percent of participants), which was followed closely by "have sex" (55.6 percent)."

What about consequences? "The biggest reported disadvantage of this recreational sex was the possibility that feelings would develop (65.3 percent). Other worries included "harm friendship" (28.2 percent) and "cause negative emotions" (27.4 percent). Concern over pregnancy and STDs, listed as "negative consequences of sex," came in at only 9.7 percent."

Talk to your pregnant college student. Has she had casual sex with friends? Is this how she became pregnant? Now that she's pregnant, what does she wish she had done differently? How can she abstain from sex in the future until she is married? Talk to your daughter about restoring her sexual integrity. Sexual integrity is more than abstaining from sex until marriage, it is developing healthy attitudes and actions in all areas of human sexuality. We've posted about sexual integrity before. You may also find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Psalm 23

Having a daughter that is pregnant outside of marriage can feel overwhelming. You may have many questions for God, or even anger or other emotion.

Take time today to read Psalm 23 and meditate on it. The following thoughts were in an inspirational email that I received.

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my Shepherd = That's Relationship!

I shall not want = That's Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That's Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters = That's Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul = That's Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That's Guidance!

For His name sake = That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That's Testing!

I will fear no evil = That's Protection!

For Thou art with me = That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That's Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That's Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil = That's Consecration!

My cup runneth over = That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That's Security!

Forever = That's Eternity!

Face it, the Lord is crazy about you. What is most valuable is not what we have in our lives but
WHO we have in our lives! Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to move your Feet. Even though you can't see Him, GOD is there for you. When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you!

Murder Is #1 Cause Of Death For Pregnant Women

In Maryland, murder is the number one cause of death for pregnant women, reports WJZ.com news.

The article says that the victims are typically young, single and African-American.

The perpetrator is typically the baby's father. Why does he kill his pregnant girlfriend? He is seeking to end her pregnancy.

Maryland is among the 36 states that have a law that allows prosecutors to charge the killer of a pregnant woman with two deaths: the woman, and the child she is carrying.

Talk to your single pregnant daughter about her relationship with the baby's father. Has he been strongly against her giving birth? Has he been pushing her to get an abortion? Has he threatened her? What was their relationship like before she became pregnant - was he abusive or violent even then? Ask your pregnant daughter to tell you immediately if the baby's father is threatening toward her, and then seek help from the police right away.

Jump Start House

The News Tribune (of Washington State) recently ran an article titled "Jump Start: Helping young moms set sail". This article describes the Jump Start house as "one of a very few in Pierce County designed especially for young pregnant women and their babies." It can house "up to four 18- to 25-year-old women who are either pregnant or have children" but is often full and turns away more than a dozen requests for housing each month.

Just like other maternity homes (see our previous post about maternity homes), there are rules:

• "Residents must pay a third of their income for rent, whether that comes from state welfare benefits or job earnings."
• "They’re also responsible for buying their own food, though they typically qualify for food stamps."
• "They must participate in weekly “house group” gatherings and individual meetings with case manager Seyler."
• "They must go to school or work 20 hours a week."
• "The women sign a lease to live in the home for one year, though the stay can be extended for an additional year."
• "They’re also subject to surprise midnight bed checks from case managers."
• "Boyfriends aren’t allowed to stay overnight."

The article concludes with information on other resources in that area: "Lakewood Area Shelter Association provides temporary, transitional and permanent housing and help with rent for people throughout Pierce County, including pregnant women ages 18 to 25. The association also accepts donations of single beds, cribs, dressers, vegetable starts and gardening equipment. For information, call 253-581-8689."

"New Beginnings Home in Puyallup provides housing for pregnant women, including those under 18 if parents make a voluntary placement agreement. For information, call Debi Musick at 253-232-7318."

If your pregnant daughter will be living at home with you during her pregnancy (and/or after the baby is born), you may consider making a contract with her that includes the ideas above. The contract could specify how much rent she will pay to you, her contribution to food and cooking duties, that she must attend counseling meetings once a week at a Pregnancy Help Center, that she must go to school and/or have a job, and other rules. We discuss contracts such as these in the chapter "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Michelle's story

Michelle Hall, a blogger for Examiner.com, told briefly of her two pregnancies when she was a teen:

Absolutely becoming a teen mother was the most difficult, stressful thing I have ever been through. I nearly died and my daughter as well. Here’s a little glimpse into my teen pregnancy: due to my age my pregnancy was complicated, I had a petite frame and upon finding a problem was put on bed rest and serious restriction. Out of fear, they chose to deliver her via cesarean section a month early. She was stuck between my ribs and my pelvic bone and they struggled to get her out, once they did her breathing was not strong and they wisked her away, I did not even get to hold her. As I went into recovery, the medications wore off and the hospital somehow ran out (stormy day, supplies didn’t come in) and I began bleeding to death, and screaming from feeling the pain of the c-section and delivery just hours prior. As they resolved that issue the staff wheeled my little tiny baby girl in (in an incubator) and informed me she would be flown by helicopter to children’s hospital to be better cared for, but I would have to remain in the hospital for the next three days. Not exactly an after-school special on teen pregnancy is it?

She talks about how it is important for parents to start talking to their kids about sex early in life and to keep talking about as they grow, going into more detail as they are ready for it. To be ready for these multiple talks, you need to have accurate information yourself, you have to be available to talk to, and you have to be aware of what is going on in their entire life.

Michelle also wrote a blog entry about how teen pregnancy is not an issue only for girls...there's a boy involved, too! In that entry, she says "If your family believes in abstinence, make sure your son is on the same page and talk to him seriously about the repercussions of even a onetime choice to have sex. Talk to them about STD’s, HIV and AIDS, they need to truly understand that one time can change their life-long plans. ... Make sure your son knows that he can come to you for anything, any question, and any time. Don’t be the judge and the jury, be the one they trust. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to protect and love them unconditionally."

Finishing High School

A recent article on CNN was titled "'High school dropout crisis' continues in U.S., study says". Some of the tidbits in this article are:

• "Nearly 6.2 million students in the United States between the ages of 16 and 24 in 2007 dropped out of high school"
• "The total represents 16 percent of all people in the United States in that age range in 2007"
• "Blacks and Hispanics of both genders are among those particularly prone to dropping out of high school"
• "Americans without a high school diploma have considerably lower earning power and job opportunities in today's workforce. Over a working lifetime from ages 18-64, high school dropouts are estimated to earn $400,000 less than those that graduated from high school."

Click to see the full report, "Left Behind in America: The Nation's Dropout Crisis". This report says that the mean annual earnings of all adults age 16-64 year (including zero earners/jobless all year) over the 2006-2007 time period are:
• No high school diploma: $11,031 per year
• High School diploma: $23,059 per year
• Bachelors degree: $50,863 per year
• Advanced degree: $76,091 per year

Help your pregnant teen to finish high school! This should be a very high priority for her if she is to ever be able to support herself and her child.

A GED is unfortunately still considered of less value than a high school diploma. The Left Behind in America report says, "National research has consistently revealed that GED holders, on average, do not fare as well in the labor market as regular high school graduates, and they are considerably less likely to obtain any type of post-secondary degree. Only a tiny fraction of GED holders (less than 10%) from the high school graduating Class of 1992 obtained a post-secondary degree by 2000 and an even lower share of young national GED holders have done so in recent years."

New pregnant teen program in Nevada

St. Jude’s Ranch for Children has responded to one of the greatest unmet needs for children in Southern Nevada with the opening of the Pregnant and Parenting Teen Program.

The Program provides “at-risk” mothers ages 10 to 17 years old the opportunity to receive training in parenting, job and life skills as well as social, academic and independent living skill development. Individualized and group therapy are also offered and all are delivered while focusing on the mother's health care needs throughout her pregnancy.

The facility is large enough to accommodate a teen mother in private quarters through the pregnancy stages and after the arrival of her new baby. In addition to a parenting curriculum, all the girls will attend the local public high school and receive individualized case monitoring provided by trained and caring staff. The Program residents will be able to stay until they are ready to transition to independent living or until they turn 20 years old. Working in the community and learning how to become a self sufficient and productive parent and member of society are core skills these young women will learn as residents of the St. Jude’s Ranch for Children Pregnant and Parenting Teen Program.

Money & Your Pregnant Engaged Daughter

Crown Financial Ministries has many free articles about money on their website.

When you and your pregnant daughter are evaluating whether the baby's father is a good candidate for marriage, the 11-page worksheet titled "Before you say 'I Do': Getting acquianted" is an excellent resource for looking at the money management aspect of the relationship. Get together with your pregnant daughter and the baby's father. Print out a copy of the worksheet for every person at the meeting. Read it outloud and do the exercises independently and then discuss each one together.

By completing this worksheet, everyone can learn about their own traits such as:

• Selfishness versus cooperation
• Pride versus humility
• Greed versus generosity
• Planner versus disorganized
• Patterns of decision making
• How you handle disagreements
• Trusting God versus independence

If your pregnant daughter and the baby's father have wildly different views of money management, this is an area that could cause massive conflict in a marriage and should be approached carefully.

Pregnancy and smoking

Recent news indicates that the antidepressant bupropion can help pregnant women curb their smoking. A research study was performed by Dr. Margaret S. Chisolm, and she found that women who are drug-dependent tend to continue smoking during pregnancy even though smoking is dangerous to their child just as the illicit drugs are dangerous.

Smoking during pregnancy increases the risk of miscarriage, low infant birthweight, fetal death, and infant death.

So if your pregnant daughter is smoking, ask her doctor if bupropion would be appropriate for your daughter to help her stop smoking.